Open Adoption: Practical Strategies for Staying Connected with Birth Family

What does healthy openness in adoption really look like—and how can adoptive parents maintain meaningful birth family connections over time? In this episode, we talk with adoptive mom Annie Iverson about practical strategies for open adoption, including staying consistent when life gets busy, setting healthy boundaries, keeping your child’s needs at the center, and adjusting openness as children grow. We also explore how connection with birth family can support an adoptee’s identity and sense of belonging, plus ways parents can honor a child’s birth family and story even when direct contact is limited or inconsistent. 

Resources:

• Cards That Connect - use discount code Family20
• Open Adoption: Perspectives from the Triad
• #1 Secret for Navigating Open Adoption
• How to Handle Open Adoption Even When the Birth Parent Chooses to Close It

Transcript

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Tracy Whitney 0:01

Hello and welcome to Creating a Family. Talk about adoption, foster care, and kinship care. My name is Tracy Whitley. I am the content director here at Creating a Family, and I am excited to bring you this conversation about openness in adoption. My guest today is Annie Iverson. She is the mom of four, two biological children and two adoptive children. And she has navigated the beautiful and sometimes messy reality of open adoption firsthand. After struggling to stay consistently connected with her children's birth families, she created cards that connect, and we'll link those in the show notes for families to help make those connections simpler for every adoptive family. We'll share more about the resource later in the conversation, but like I said, we'll we'll link them in the show notes as well. So welcome to Creating a Family, Annie. I'm so glad you joined us. Thank you. I'm so glad to be here.

When people hear the term "open adoption," they often picture a specific arrangement. How do you define openness in adoption for our listeners?

Tracy Whitney 0:56

So when people hear the term open adoption, they often picture a very specific arrangement or set of arrangements. How do you define openness and adoption for our listeners today?

SPEAKER_00 1:09

Well, so I've been navigating this open adoption for almost 17 years now. My oldest will be 17, which is crazy because time just goes by so fast. But, you know, openness, I think I felt so much more different about it when I first started than I do now. I've learned a lot along these 17 years. And when I first thought about open adoption, I thought it was going to dinner together, having your birth mom over for birthday parties, um, you know, really open. But that's not it at all. I mean, there are some families, I have friends who do do that. But also I think openness really means a connection, honesty, creating that sense of awareness for my child to know where she comes from, where she belongs, the gifts, the talents that she's received. It's knowing all of that, that is openness.

Tracy Whitney 2:01

Yeah.

unknown 2:01

Yeah.

So, is openness primarily about contact, or is it about something deeper?

Tracy Whitney 2:02

So is openness primarily then about the contact or the relationship, or is it maybe about something deeper?

SPEAKER_00 2:11

Definitely, I think it is deeper. With my two girls, so my oldest is adopted, and then my youngest is adopted, and then my two middle ones are biological. And those both look very different. The openness is very different for both of them. It's not a one size fits all. I have a great example of this. Um, one of my daughters has this like amazing talent with music. She can just, she thinks music. And um, she's been a singer. She's eight years old now, and she has been singing since she was one year, one year old. Um, she loves to sing and she just has this talent. She can play the piano and hear music. And it's because we have this open relationship with her birth mom. And we found out that her birth dad is a performer, he's a singer, and he's a rapper. And so my eight-year-old can beatbox, and we're like, hey, that's you know, because your birth dad is a performer, you are definitely getting that talent from him. And she can look at her birth family and see herself reflected back, and that's identity, right? That's irreplaceable for her to be able to know that that's where that comes from is definitely a blessing for her to have that.

SPEAKER_02 3:25

Right.

SPEAKER_00 3:25

Um, but I do think that it's deeper. Um, it really is about like the identity and belonging. It's about telling the truth to your child, definitely at age appropriate, like the age-appropriate honesty, where they can um, as they grow, you can tell them more. But it's letting your child know that every part of them is worth celebrating. And it's nothing, their birth family is not something to be hidden or to be ashamed of, but it's what makes them them. And they should be proud of that, whether they know a little bit or a lot.

Tracy Whitney 3:58

Right. Right. So,

What are some common misconceptions about what openness is—and isn't?

Tracy Whitney 4:00

what are some of the misconceptions that people have about openness, what it is and what it's not? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

So I think the biggest misconception, one of them, is they might think open adoption is co-parenting. Like the birth mom is has a saying in how to raise the child, but that's not the case at all. You're the child or you're the parent, you get to raise your child how you want to. So I think that's a big one that people worry about.

SPEAKER_02 4:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:25

Another one is maybe it's all or nothing. It's like either all open, like you know, family birthday parties, things like that, yeah, or nothing. But there's so much in between that I think like a card twice a year, a text on the birthday, that means openness. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. And I think one more would be um it's for the birth mom's benefit, but really it's not. It's for our kids, it's for my daughters. They're the ones that are benefiting from being open. And I think we think it's sometimes more for the birth mom, but that's not the case. So there's a few, I think, standard misconceptions.

Tracy Whitney 5:02

Yeah, the the most common one we hear is the co-parenting one, but followed quickly behind that. We do hear quite frequently that it's it's it's what's it's what the birth parents need. And yes, in fact, that is there is some truth to that, but it is so much more than that. It's what the kids need, it's what's good for the kids. But honestly, it's also what's good for us as parents and caregivers. It exposes us to our child's uh context, their whole story, and it gives us insight to parent them well and to support them well and to help meet them where they're at, and to give them good launching ground for where they want to go because it opens their world. So when our world is opened and their world is opened, it's it's good for everybody.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

It's true. Yeah, and I do want to just highlight and mention that, you know, I'm very blessed because I get I get to have these open relationships with my birth mom.

SPEAKER_02 6:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:03

And I do realize that not everyone gets that. Um, I have good friends and they don't get to have an open relationship, and it's hard for them. But there's still ways, and I'll talk about it today, to honor that. But I I do want to say I'm very fortunate and I am aware of that, um, that not everyone gets to have it open. So this is specifically more for people that have the option to have it open.

Tracy Whitney 6:23

Right.

When families are making decisions about openness, what does it mean to keep the child's needs — not the adults' fears, preferences, or comfort — at the center of those decisions?

Tracy Whitney 6:24

So when a prospective family is making decisions about openness in a pending adoption, what does it mean to keep the child's needs and not our adult fears or our adult preferences or even our adult comforts at the center of those decisions?

SPEAKER_00 6:40

Yeah, that's such a great question. So I think a child-centered openness means asking, like, what will my child need to know about where they came from? Right? Adults have a lot of fears about open adoption. They have fears about setting boundaries, about fear of their birth mom and what she wants. And but those fears maybe are about us too and not about our kids. And when we put the child at the center, then those fears look very differently. And I think I have an example of this. My daughter, she was, I don't know, 16, I think. And she's like, Mom, my feet won't stop growing. They're size eight and a half at the time. And she's like, they're gonna be size 13, and she's just so worried about it. And I'm like, sweetheart, grab the phone and text your birth mom. And so she did. She grabbed it and she said, Hey, how big are your feet? And she wrote back and said nine and a half. And then my daughter's like, my feet aren't gonna be 13, size 13, right? She's just so worried about having these enormous feet. And sure enough, her feet stopped growing at nine and a half. And her birth mom was the only one that was able to answer that. Right. And just by having that door open, she was comfortable enough to ask that question. And that's what openness is, right? To be able to have that. And that that was an example of a child-center openness right there. Yep. Yep. So that's a great story.

Tracy Whitney 8:06

What

What questions should parents ask themselves about a child-centered approach to openness when they're unsure what the best path forward is?

Tracy Whitney 8:07

are maybe some of the questions that we prospective parents should be asking ourselves about that child-centered approach to openness when we aren't sure what the best path forward might be, or when we aren't sure what the birth family might be thinking we're looking for?

SPEAKER_00 8:26

Yeah, that's great. And I wrote a few down that I thought of. Um it's a question that you can come back to is what will my child want to know about their story when they're a teenager and adult? I mean, that's always comes back to that. It's what are they gonna want to know?

Tracy Whitney 8:40

Right.

SPEAKER_00 8:40

Um, is there someone in their birth family who they could ask questions to that I can never answer? Am I making this a decision based on what my child needs or based on what makes me comfortable? And I think that's a big one too. And then if my child asked me why we stopped communication, what would I say? I mean, I don't want to have to say, well, it's because I was too busy, you know? Yeah, yeah. And then um what do I want them to be able to say about how we handled this when they are adults? And I think imagine them asking me as an adult, like, I want them to, I want to be able to say to them, I fought for connection even when it was hard and it was awkward, even when I didn't get response back. I I did what I could to make sure that that door was stayed open.

Tracy Whitney 9:24

Yeah.

unknown 9:24

Yeah.

Tracy Whitney 9:25

Those are great questions and they're good to ask before the adoption occurs. And I would suspect that you would probably also recommend that they're good to ask along the way as you're navigating the journey of openness. Oh, for sure. Definitely. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 9:41

Yes, definitely.

You often hear people focus on what's working right now. How can adoptive parents think about openness through the lens of who their child will become and what they may need to understand about their story years down the road?

Tracy Whitney 9:43

We frequently hear families in our community talk about what's working right now. But I would love to hear your thoughts on how we adoptive parents can think about openness through the lens of where our child is heading or who they might become and what they might need to understand about their story down the road. Because you asked the question, what will my child need to know when they're a teenager? So kind of let's go there. What does a teenager or a young adult want to know about their adoption and openness that's different?

SPEAKER_00 10:19

Yeah. And I think that we realize that the decisions we make today is not just for the four-year-old sitting in front of you. It truly is for the 17-year-old that's trying to figure out who she is and what size her shoes can or her feet are gonna be. And, you know, the 25-year-old that's like, well, I'm, you know, dating someone and how much background do I share with them? And even I think of like a 30-year-old that's starting a family, like what medical history do I need to know? I mean, there's just so many things uh beyond the four-year-old just sitting in front of you, right? And I know this firsthand. Um we went into adoption really naive. We didn't know a lot at the time, you know, 17 years ago. And we just trusted the agency, right? And and I I didn't know the questions I should have asked, but it was unfortunate because we didn't know that um at the time it was closed for three years. We thought the birth mom wanted it closed, and she thought we wanted it closed. Oh my, yeah. I know. And three years later passed, and the agency reached out and said, the birth mom wants contact. I'm like, absolutely, yes. You know, I knew that I wanted that. And come to find out after talking to the birth mom, who's just amazing, she's like, I wanted to open. And we're like, no, we wanted to open. And we missed that three years. And it's sad because she actually placed another baby, and we could have had the option, tell her, like, hey, by the way, you know, and we missed that. And it was hard. I had to grieve that, mourn that that we missed that. And, you know, I know, I understand. She we had a baby right after, and she thought, Oh, you're you're busy with babies, and I wanted to bless another family with the baby. So I understand that she placed a baby with someone else for those reasons, but I felt like had it been open, it would have been a lot different, I think. And I knew when I adopted again, I did not want that. I wanted to know what questions to ask. I wanted to know, I needed to be educated more. And I wish I would have known what I knew now, right? Yes and had a podcast to listen to that's like, okay, ask yourself these questions because this is really important, and go in with these questions. So when I adopted again, I knew exactly what I wanted to ask. Like I did not want to lose three years again of knowing that. And luckily, my daughter's been able to catch up and we had this great relationship. But anyway, I you learn a lot, I guess, from going through this. Yeah. But it's asking yourself those questions, definitely.

How might today's decisions impact an adoptee as a teenager or adult?

Tracy Whitney 12:45

Can you speak a little bit more to how decisions we make today may impact our adoptee later as a teenager or as an adult? You kind of touched on a couple of them, but I'd like to kind of hone in on those a little bit more.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

Yeah, I think um, you know, a child that who grows up without knowing their birth story, they might fill in the blanks with something else, maybe something not as positive or, you know, they might something painful even. But a child who grows up with some consistent birth family connection, um, just even like cards or photos or knowing a little bit of information, gives them that stronger sense of identity of where they come from. And that is so key to when you grow up and become a teenager, an adult, to know those right from your background. Yeah, they don't have to wonder if like their birth mom's thinking about them because they just know, right? And I saw this firsthand with my oldest. She was able to connect with her biological half-sister. So a couple of years ago, she was able to get on FaceTime and her biological sister did not know about my daughter until she was older. And so they got on and they laughed and they cried and they got to know each other. And I got to see in real time her learning her story.

SPEAKER_02 14:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

And she is since connected with her biological brother too. And it's amazing to watch that connection. Like she sees that, she sees her identity through them, right? And so I think knowing that that really helps make those decisions for when they're older.

Tracy Whitney 14:20

Yeah. I mean, we always we often have access to their files where we can get a sense of their story and the foundation of their story, and we can share their story with them, but there is nothing like a biologically related person who had the same shared experiences engaging in that story with them and being able to say, yes, while you were experiencing this, I was experiencing this. And it's the same story, but different perspectives or point of view as the kids say POV on the story. It's a fantastic way to help them just not connect with, but feel connected to that story. Yeah. And their and their identity, like who they are.

SPEAKER_00 15:08

Yeah, yeah. A lot of emotions. And yeah, it's it's it was beautiful to watch. The the conversation with her biological brother, though, was awkward and it was like, but it was so sweet, you know. It was so so what she needed.

Tracy Whitney 15:24

Yeah, and it'll serve her so well as she's growing into adoption. Hey listeners, I want to interrupt this conversation about open adoption for just a minute to talk to you about our interactive training and support curriculum for foster adoptive and kinship families. One of the things that we find very helpful when you're trying to navigate issues like open adoption is being part of a connected group that is also experiencing what you're experiencing. And if you go to parentsupportgroups.org, you can see the curriculum library that we offer, and it's a turnkey, ready to use, easy to use, curriculum for support groups, small groups, training modules, anything like that, and topics that are right there at the forefront for every adoptive foster or kinship family that you might be working with. So, again, that's parentsupportgroup.org, and we hope that you'll go and check it out for your organization. Let's head back to the interview now with Annie.

Many families genuinely want to maintain connections with birth relatives but struggle with consistency. What practical, sustainable strategies have you found that help families stay connected over time?

Tracy Whitney 16:39

So many adoptive families want to maintain connection with birth relatives, whether it's the birth parents or birth grandparents, etc. But the consistency issue is the struggle. So, what are some practical and sustainable strategies that you've discovered or heard from other families as you're doing this work that can help families stay connected over time? Yeah, and this is where I've learned a lot.

SPEAKER_00 17:04

Because 17 years of doing this, I'm like, okay, we've got to figure out how to make this work. So consistency is something I struggle with, and a lot of people struggle with because we get busy. You know, I think the number one reason is life gets busy. I have four kids. Like I'm I'm barely staying afloat sometimes, right? And so it's like trying to add another this and this and this on, it's hard. It's really hard. Um, and so I'll talk about ways that have worked for me, but let me tell you why I think it's hard. Number one is the life gets busy. Number two is um you're not sure what to say. Like sometimes it's like, I don't know what to say. I it's it's awkward. I I don't want to offend anyone, I don't want to say too much or too little. I think that's really hard. And then also if it's been a while, then it feels awkward because you haven't reached out for six months or a year and you're like, how do I just like pick up? And the gap gets bigger. And so that's those are some reasons why I think it's hard to stay consistent and to keep going. But what I've learned and what's worked for me over the last 17 years, um, and this is where I you mentioned it in the beginning, I created something to help solve this problem. But before I get to that, the first thing I like to do is um it's called the four times a year rhythm. So birthday, I send something. Christmas, like winter holiday, I always send something. Birth Mother's Day or Mother's Day, I send something and then a random update. And when I say I send something, that means like either a card or a text message, some photos. On Mother's Day, we do send a box of chocolates to birth moms and birth grandmas. It's just a tradition that we've done every year. Um we write a little note, but it's four times a year that I connect with them. There's some type of contact. And then the second thing I do is like if there's like a band concert, if there's some type of um my daughter likes to be in, she does theater and she's in a play, I'll send a picture of her performing. Some big event, I'll send an update about how amazing, you know, she's doing. Or even if it's she looks beautiful on the couch reading a book, I was like, oh, that's a beautiful picture. I'll send that. But I also want to say, even if it's a blurry picture, a blurry picture is better than a perfect picture that's never sent, right? So always keep that in mind as well. So I think those two things, um, four times a year, special events. And then the third strategy that I have is my creative brain kicked in. And when my daughter was young, every birthday I would sit down and text my birth mom and say, you know, she's doing great. And I like couldn't think of things to say. And I'm like, what if I created cards that are prompted that we can just fill out together? And as she gets older, she can fill them out. And that's exactly why I created my cards. So it's they're prompted, one for every birthday. Um, and they just have fun, age-appropriate questions as they get older. So a five-year-old would be like, um, if you could have one toy come alive, what would that toy be? That's a fun one. Right. Just fun questions. And when they're 16, what's it like to drive? Are you scared? And then 18, what's your favorite memory of your childhood? So get to know you questions. And my daughters love filling them out because it's their voice, they get to say it. Yeah. And they also, birth moms, birth grandmas, even my grandparents, they get a card. They learn a little bit more about, you know, who my daughter is and a little insight of what they're thinking in a different way than she's doing great, everything's good. You know, it's like prompted for them to fill out. And so I did create those, and those have definitely helped stay consistent. Um, I've I even have more cards now, not just the birthday ones, but to send an update and more holiday ones where they're prompted. So those that feel like they don't know what to say or they're they don't want to stare at a blank page, these just help them. And I think it just really helps that consistency with knowing what to say to them. And then the last thing that I want to say too is even if it's been a while, just start. You don't need to apologize and say, sorry for the silence. It's been too long, nothing like that. Just say we've had a wonderfully full life, but here's what's happening, and just start. There's no reason to apologize, just start. Just dive in. Dive in. Yeah. So hopefully that answered that question for you. Yeah.

Tracy Whitney 21:33

Yeah.

What are some small actions in our daily routines that can make a meaningful difference in our family’s openness?

Tracy Whitney 21:34

So what are some of the small daily actions that we can take that will make a meaningful difference towards that spirit of openness that you're talking about?

SPEAKER_00 21:42

Well, the first thing is we always talk about open adoption or we always talk about adoption. And it's very open. We always are talking about their birth moms. Um, my one birth mom, she just had multiple surgeries, and so we're constantly sending her love notes and making sure she's okay and praying for her and our other. Um, a birth grandma, her house burned down during the Pasadena fires um in California. And so we were talking about her nonstop. I mean, so we just always talk about adoption, even since day one. They have different skin color than us, so it's obvious they were adopted. So we've never not talked about adoption. It's just part of what we do. So I think that's a big one where we just are always talking about adoption. I do a couple things to help. I always have pictures of birth moms in bedrooms. And if she sends me pictures, we I show my girls, you know, look at this is what they're doing. And um, so always just making them see, see everything that I'm seeing too. And then I make sure I set my calendar reminder to make sure I reach out to them. I built in the habit of sending the cards to them. I have a little folder on my phone that's like updates to birth moms, meaning I anything that pops into my head that one of my birth moms should know about, I do that. When I transfer photos off my phone onto my computer, I always send a bulk update of pictures. So different things like that help me remember like the degree of having that openness in our family.

Tracy Whitney 23:12

Right. Yeah. And for those of us who are raising children where open adoption, meaning contact and connection and conversation, isn't possible, the daily conversations about adoption are even more important. Yeah. I mean, my poor kids can't get away from it because I work in it as well as parent it. So they are always around conversations about adoption. But just kind of starting with the I wonder language. Um, one of my children is incredibly musically gifted. I wonder if you got that from your birth mom. Um one of them is a huge people person, she's just super outgoing and gregarious, doesn't know a stranger, and I will quite frequently say, I wonder which of your birth parents is so outgoing and gregarious like you are. Yes. Those are the kinds of conversations that keep openness as a tone in your home, even if connection and relationship is not possible.

SPEAKER_00 24:09

Yes, perfect.

Tracy Whitney 24:10

Yeah, absolutely.

One of the biggest concerns prospective and adoptive families have is balancing openness with healthy boundaries. How do you think about boundaries in a way that supports relationships rather than shuts them down?

Tracy Whitney 24:11

But on the conversation of an open adoption, we do hear frequently from prospective parents or waiting parents that balancing openness with boundaries is a big concern of theirs. How do you think about boundaries in a way that supports those relationships rather than shuts them down? Because I think sometimes people think boundaries means keeping out. And really boundaries is a different discussion than that. So how do you think about it?

SPEAKER_00 24:39

Yeah, like you said, I think people think that means boundaries, like I'm cutting you off. Like that's not the case. No, a boundary is like, here's what I can offer, and here's what I need in return for the relationship to be healthy. I mean, that's how I would describe it. I love that definition. So I mean, it, you know, it could look like um, we'll send you four updates a year, but we're not gonna have uh like unannounced visits, right? So you you set the boundaries of what you're comfortable with, right? But I feel like the goal of a boundary is to like protect the relationship, right? It's to make sure that you can show up consistently in a healthy, yeah, healthy way.

Tracy Whitney 25:20

And um And to protect your capacity. Yes, yes, but holding it loosely because capacity changes.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

Yeah, yeah, and it it builds trust over time. Yep. And you know, I think I there's an example of this too that I have with my my youngest. We were in the city of her birth mom, and we texted her and said, Hey, we're coming to your city. Do you want to, do you want to meet up? And she said, Yeah, that's great. Um, let's do it. And then the day of, she kind of ghosted us, and then like an hour before we were meeting up, she's like, actually, I'm not ready. And I I don't want to meet up. And we're like, that is fine. I mean, we could have gotten mad and said, but we arranged our whole day for you and we came here, and but we didn't obviously do that. We're like, thank you for being honest, thank you for telling us that. Because to me, that's what a healthy boundary looks like. She wasn't ready, we didn't push her, and now we went back two years later and we were able, she was ready. She's like, Yes, I'm ready now. And then we got to have this amazing experience with her. And I think it's just giving that grace, yeah, and not pushing, but respecting and knowing our limits.

Tracy Whitney 26:33

Yeah.

What are some signs that those boundaries might need to evolve?

Tracy Whitney 26:34

And what are some signs in the relationship that maybe the boundaries need to evolve or change and flex with time?

SPEAKER_00 26:40

And I I think as boundaries, as you get older, as you um learn more about each other, they should change, you know, with time. But definitely, I think if the birth mom's circumstances have changed, you know, with over time. My birth mom wasn't ready, but then she was ready. So it was she just needed more time, which we respect. The setup that you did at placement no longer fits your family, right? Um, that could and that changes over time as well. Maybe your birth mom has honored your boundaries and you're ready to like open up a little more and have different boundaries because you've built that trust and that relationship over time. Um, so those I think are some of the reasons why you would change the boundaries.

Tracy Whitney 27:23

Yeah.

What are some of the most common obstacles families encounter when trying to maintain openness, and what have you learned about working through those challenges?

SPEAKER_00 27:24

Yeah.

Tracy Whitney 27:24

What are some of the most common obstacles that you are hearing from families when it comes to maintaining openness? And what have you learned about working through the challenges that your own family has faced?

SPEAKER_00 27:37

The the blank page problem, I call it, like not knowing what to say. I think that's a big one. Um, it's a big one. Like it's so I sit down, I'm like, I don't know, but that's why I created my cards to help with that problem. Um, because that's it's a hard one to know what to say sometimes. Um, maybe the guilt spiral too, knowing like the longer the silence goes, the more guilt you feel, like I haven't reached out, I haven't done what I should. I do that as a mom in general with everything. And so it's like one more thing where I'm like, I should be doing more. I'm not doing enough. I think that can be really big obstacle to have. And then maybe also if it's one-sided, maybe you're not getting any responses back. Every time you reach out, there's it's there's nothing. But still keep sending them. Even if you're not getting anything back, I've learned you just keep sending because they really might be appreciating it and just can't express that back. Right. And then, you know, life gets busy, like I said, and there's no system in place, there's no reminders, there's nothing to help help you remember to make that connection. Yeah, yeah. And we all know life goes so fast, and so before you know it, another year has passed. And then it gets awkward as the child gets older. I think sending updates when they're two is a lot easier, yeah, for me at least, than when they're older, um, just because life gets busier. And but what I've found out though, I've let my kids, my girls lead. So they now, my oldest, she texts on her own now. She, it's her voice, which is really what matters the most. Yeah. And so as they get older, letting them lead and having them fill out the cards themselves. And I think that's really more powerful as they get involved.

Tracy Whitney 29:23

Another part of the difficulty when they get to adolescence is their changing preference for privacy, they're changing preference for using their voice, and their their need to be like all their peers, because quite frequently, if they are adopted, they do feel different than their peers, and they just don't want one more thing that makes them feel different. And so navigating that with very open hands and again that very open heart that recognizes that openness on the birth parent side might be a piece of cake right now, but openness on my child's side might be the sticky wicket.

SPEAKER_00 30:05

Yes, I'm glad you said that. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of layers, right? And we're a transracial family and we throw that layer in there, right? There's a lot of things that that complicate it. Yep, yep. Yeah, definitely.

Tracy Whitney 30:23

One more interruption, listeners, if I may. I would love for you to follow the podcast wherever you're listening today. And then if you could please leave us a rating andor a review if you were touched by something that you heard today, or if you have questions about something that you heard today, or you just want to tell us we're doing a great job, we would love to hear from you. When you follow us on that podcast player, you can also leave the rating and review there. So thanks for considering, and I will let you finish up the interview now.

For families where contact may be limited or inconsistent, what are some ways adoptive parents can still honor and preserve a child's connection to their birth family and their story?

Tracy Whitney 31:00

So if you are a family where contact and connection has been limited or inconsistent, what are some ways that we as adoptive parents can still honor and preserve our child's connection to their birth family and their story?

SPEAKER_00 31:16

Yeah, kind of like what I mentioned is to tell their story, talk about adoption all the time in your everyday conversations. Yeah, like you were mentioning you do with yours, I do that with mine as well. And I, like I said, I keep a photo, I keep lots of photos. One thing that I've done that I hope my girls will appreciate is I've had some really good text conversations with their birth moms, and I've screenshotted those text uh messages and I put them in a folder. And because I have so much good information that maybe one day when they're an adult, they're gonna want to look back and read those conversations that I've had. And so that's one thing I've done is I've make sure I take a screenshot of all the text messages. And I know it sounds like a lot, but I'm like, that's one thing I can do that maybe they'll appreciate later on. Um, you know, we've created a book for them that has all their adoption information in it, all anything that their birth moms have given us. And then I think the other thing is if you don't have contact, maybe reach out to the agency if it's been a few years, because you never know if things have changed with your birth mom or you're in a different situation and they do want connection, but they're just, you know, hesitant to reach out. But anyway, I think that also is something to think about as well. But yeah, I think keeping photos and talking about it, that's the best thing you can do.

Why is that so important for identity development?

Tracy Whitney 32:39

And what is it? Maybe drill down just a little bit more. What is it about doing those things that is so important for our child's development or their identity development specifically?

SPEAKER_00 32:50

I think it is um from knowing where you came from and you know, who you look like and where you are, like what your belonging was. Like everybody, every human wants that. And I think adoptees need to search for it a little bit more, right? Right. And so any type of connection, you know, photos, cards, conversations about birth families at home, tells your child a little bit more about their identity and that you're not hiding it from them, that it matters. Yeah, it's the foundation of like who they are. And just like with my daughter and singing, she knows she got her talent from her birth dad and her birth mom has played many instruments throughout her life. Like that's her identity. Like she knows she didn't, like I said, didn't get that from me. It's like that's her identity, and I think it's just acknowledging that. So she has that strong sense of yeah, identity, I guess. Yeah, yeah. That security.

Tracy Whitney 33:51

I look at it as just giving them more tools and more options to choose from when they are crafting who they want to be.

SPEAKER_00 33:59

Yeah.

Tracy Whitney 33:59

And it's doing it with more fullness to the story so there's not gaps and it's not like Swiss cheese for them. Yeah. It's a full, complete set of options to choose from. Because we all get to choose who we want to be. And some of that is uh shaped by where we come from, and some of it is shaped by what we experience.

SPEAKER_00 34:20

Yeah.

Tracy Whitney 34:21

We get to choose that. And we can look at those, and when we offer that to our children and we say, here's your whole birth family and everything I know about them, and here's relationship with them, it it tells them that those are options worth considering when crafting their future identity. Oh yeah, that's so valuable. I think that's a good analogy. Yeah. Yeah.

If you could offer one piece of practical advice to adoptive parents who want to strengthen openness in their family, what would it be?

Tracy Whitney 34:46

So if you could offer one really practical piece of advice to an adoptive parent who wants to strengthen openness that may already exist, but they want to bolster it, what would you say? Don't wait till you feel ready, just go for it.

SPEAKER_00 35:00

Don't overthink it. Um, you know, it's just consistency beats perfection every time. Like just go for it. Don't worry about what your mind, you're gonna say, oh, I don't know what to say. Is it gonna be enough? Is it and sometimes like I send pictures, I'm like, oh no, she's gonna judge me how my daughter's hair is, right? It's not perfect. And but I'm like, oh well, I'll just send it. And because it's that matters more, right, than the perfect scenario. Perfect pose pictures, yeah. Yes, yeah. So it's just pull your phone out, go for it. And like I said, don't I feel like don't apologize, just go for it, you know? Just say life's been great, and this is what we're up to today. And simple as that. Yeah.

When your children are adults looking back on their adoption journeys, what do you hope they will say about the way openness was practiced in your family?

Tracy Whitney 35:46

So when your kids are adults and that's not too far away now, um, and they're looking back on their adoption journey, what do you hope they will say about the way openness was practiced in your family?

SPEAKER_00 35:57

Well, I sure hope they say that they never had to wonder because I gave them all the information that I could. Um, I hope they say that, you know, thank you for keeping that door open so that I can ask my birth mom how big my feet are gonna be. Um, you know, and honestly, I hope they say like the cards that I created were fun to fill out and a great connection to send to their birth mom and birth grandmas. And, you know, that they're they saw the effort that I put in to help maintain that connection with them.

Tracy Whitney 36:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:32

Even when we have busyness and chaos happening. So I hope they see that I did what I could.

Tracy Whitney 36:38

Yeah. So you mentioned the cards again. Tell us whatever else you'd like us to know about your cards that we haven't already covered.

SPEAKER_00 36:46

Yeah, I I just they've been a such a blessing in my life. I'm glad that I created them because they've helped me and my birth moms love them and my birth grandmas and my mom and dad, and we send them to everyone because there's a digital format. So you can just go on and then email them to whoever you want. Great. But it's just been so fun to see my kids' answers. Like, and then I even created the book so that I can keep a copy too. Um, because I'm like, wait, I want all these answers because it's just amazing to see what goes on in their brain and to know what they're thinking. Because sometimes I'm like, oh, I've got my child figured out. Yeah. But then when they answer these questions, it's like, whoa, they were thinking that? Like, that's their fear in life or whatever the question is. And so um, I've loved these cards because it really has not only for okay, so I think these cards are good for people that have a little bit of connection and a lot of connection. They're they're for the full range because you can send these cards and there's no expectation of getting anything back. You don't have to respond. It's just, hey, here's a little glimpse into my child's world. They filled it out. If you want to enjoy it, you can type thing, right? It's yeah. For all birth moms and birth families and birth grandparents. Um, but I've also created other ones. I have months zero to 11, like the first year, and I have other holiday ones, and I have just to send an update. So if you're not sure ever what to say, um these are just a guided prompt to help you know what to say.

Tracy Whitney 38:21

And I also really loved the traditions book.

SPEAKER_00 38:24

Oh, yes, I sent that too. Yeah. That's on my website as well. I created a book. So again, my mind works how I have to write things down. Um, my websites write it and remember it because if I don't, I forget. And so every year I was recreating the will with traditions, and I'm big on traditions, and I'm like, what did I do last year? And so I created a book where I write it down so I know exactly the next year. We're eating this, we're doing this, and I don't have to think about it. It's done. And so, yes, I did um throw that book in as well. And and I did do a um a promo code for your listeners. It's family20, get 20% off for anything on my website to help any of these, you know, resources to help with make your life easier and create those connections with your birth families. I hope they do. They have for others, and we've had a lot of success.

Tracy Whitney 39:15

Yeah, I'll make sure that we uh add that into the show notes for people.

SPEAKER_00 39:19

Um good, good.

Tracy Whitney 39:20

So your website will be in our show notes, and on the website you can find the cards that connect in the the traditions book and the birthday book. Um, thank you very much, Annie, for sharing your time with us this morning, for sharing these creative ideas and then turning those creative ideas into tools that other families can use as well. I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_00 39:41

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you for having me.

Tracy Whitney 39:43

Yeah. Appreciate it. Thank you. Listeners, we'll catch you next week. Thank you.