Kids Do Well When They Can - Weekend Wisdom

Parenting kids exposed to trauma is hard. Sometimes, it is very hard, but these families can thrive. In an interview with Creating a Family, Dr. Ross Greene, a Harvard Psychology professor, stressed that it was crucial for parents of children exposed to trauma to realize that kids want to do well, and if they are struggling, it is likely because they are lacking a specific skill needed to succeed.

Resources:

• Helping Children Heal from Trauma
• Practical Guide to Parenting a Child Exposed to Trauma
• The Explosive Child by Ross Greene

Transcript

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Tracy Whitney 0:00

One of my favorite expressions or scripts that we use here at Creating a Family Frequently is kids do well if they can. We first heard it from Dr. Ross Green, who is a Harvard psychology professor and the author of the very well-known book, The Explosive Child. We're bringing you this archived Weekend Wisdom episode about parenting kids who have experienced things like trauma, loss, neglect, multiple placements, prenatal substance exposure, and other challenges because those things are really, really hard for kids. But when we can reframe their behavior from they are misbehaving to they lack skills to behave differently, it becomes the most significant shift that we can make to reframe their behavior, to strengthen our families, and to set our kids up for success. So I hope you take a few minutes to listen to this episode of Weekend Wisdom and consider where your child need some scaffolding to learn or improve skills to navigate the world.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

I love the expression, kids do well when they can, and it's corollary. Kids want to do well. I also love the subtitle to the book. I'm not wild about the explosive child, but I absolutely have lived the experience of understanding and parenting easily frustrating and chronically inflexible children. So perhaps it's because that's the reason it really speaks to my heart. So parenting kids exposed to trauma is hard and sometimes very hard. But these kids need parents, and these families can thrive. And in that interview with Creating a Family, Dr. Ross Green stressed that it's crucial for parents of children exposed to trauma to realize that kids really do what to do well. And if they are struggling, it's likely because they are lacking a specific skill needed to succeed. And in my life, it was revolutionary for me to shift my focus from the behavior itself to looking for the skill that the child was missing that was resulting in the behavior. So in the midst of dealing with a child whose behavior reflects their early life trauma, it's easy to think that the kid is intentionally driving you nuts because the kid may be driving you nuts. You may be going nuts. The intention part, however, that's likely not what the child is intending. And reframing their behavior to being a lack of a specific skill turns this into a teachable moment. And teachable moments give us power to help our kid improve. It was so hopeful for me when I was able to shift my perspective to understanding that. So in the explosive child, Dr. Green lists a number of skills that, let's just say, behaviorally challenged kids might be lacking. And I'm going to list some of them because I think it's helpful. You're now a detective, and you are trying to figure out what skill is my child missing that is resulting in the behaviors I'm seeing. And it could be any number of things. Here's some that he lists. Difficulty handling transition, shifting from one mindset or task to another. In my life and my family, that was a very big one. Another one, difficulty doing things in logical sequence or prescribed order, or poor sense of time. Or the child might have difficulty reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas simultaneously. The child may be having difficulty considering the likely outcome or the consequences of an action. Therefore, they're impulsive. The child may have difficulty considering a range of solutions to a problem. They may be the type of kid who gets fixated on one thing and then just doesn't have the ability to bump over and to pull back and see more options. They could have difficulty managing emotional responses to frustration. And when you're frustrated, we all know it's really hard to think rationally. They may have difficulty deviating from the rules, our routine. We've done it this way. So nope, now we need to go to the library now because if we don't, the library is going to be closed, but this is our routine. Some kids just don't make that transition well. Difficulty accurately interpreting social cues, not being able to read the room as we say in our house. A child may have difficulty appreciating how he's coming across or being perceived by others, not being aware of how his behavior is affecting others. So I'm going to encourage you to spend some time identifying what skills your child is lacking. When is her behavior at her worst? That can be a clue. Look for patterns for when she struggles the most. Most children are fairly predictable if we look for patterns. I would have said in my life that that wasn't true, but as soon as I started looking for them, I began to see them. But if you can shift your perspective to being a detective to identifying the skills that your child is missing, then you will stand a good chance of succeeding at helping your child and helping them improve. And let me mention that there is an excellent guide that creating a family has a practical guide to parenting a child exposed to trauma. I cannot recommend it enough. It is such a good resource. And it's available on our website, creating afamily.org. Before you go, let me tell you about the Creating a Family E newsletter. It's free, it's terrific. All you got to do is sign up for it, and you will every month get a newsletter in your inbox. And we curate four of the best resources that we have seen that month that would help you. And when you do, you get a free guide. So in this case, you can sign up at bitly slash CAF Guide. It's B I T.ly slash C A F Guide. Thanks for listening to this week's Week in Wisdom. If you liked it, please tell a friend to subscribe at wherever they subscribe to the creating a family.org podcast. Once you subscribe, Week in Wisdom automatically drops into your feed on Sunday.