Trauma-Responsive Practices To Set Your Kids Up for Success in School

What are trauma-responsive practices, and how can they impact your child’s behavior, emotional well-being, and success in school? In this episode, we speak with Dr. Brandy-Lea McCombs, founder of STL234 Outreaches and a frequent speaker on reviving resilience in children, drawing from her professional research and her personal journey as an adoptive parent.

Learn practical trauma-responsive practices for building connection during calm moments, responding to meltdowns, balancing empathy with healthy boundaries, and partnering with your child’s school. This conversation offers encouragement and actionable strategies for adoptive, foster, and kinship parents who want to strengthen resilience and help their children feel safe, supported, and ready to thrive.

RESOURCES: 

• Moving Beyond Adverse Childhood Experiences: ACES and PACES
• Wholehearted.org
• PACEs Connection
• Fostering Resilience in a World of Adversity

Transcript

Tracy Whitney 0:01

Hi, and welcome to Creating a Family. Talk about adoption, foster care, and kinship care. My name is Tracy Whitney. I am the content director for creating afamily.org, and I'm also the host of both podcasts. Our long one like this that drops every Wednesday, and then we have a short form that drops on Saturdays that's real practical, answers one specific question, and kind of gives real strategies that you can use in the moment. So we're glad you're here and we're excited for today's conversation about practicing trauma-responsive strategies in our homes to support our kids. This conversation is with Dr. Brandi Lee McCombs. She has a PhD in instructional leadership and decades of experience across public and higher education. She specializes in developing culturally centered, trauma-informed strategies for both pre-service teachers and foster and adoptive communities. She's also the founder of STL234 Outreaches and a frequent speaker on reviving resilience in our children, drawing from her professional research and her personal journey as an adoptive parent. So welcome, Brandy. I'm so glad that you're here with us today.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

I am very excited and I feel very honored to be around such an amazing community. So thank you.

Tracy Whitney 1:19

Oh, thank you. And I should tell the listeners, she did give us permission to call her Brandy. We're all about making sure everybody gets their props when they've done the hard work to earn that PhD. So we want to make sure that we acknowledge that, but also that she's given us permission to call her.

SPEAKER_01 1:35

I'm first a mom, so I am Brandy, so it's all good.

Tracy Whitney 1:40

Great.

Can you briefly share your background and what led you to focus on trauma-responsive practices?

Tracy Whitney 1:41

Okay. So, Brandy, let's get started with a brief background of what led you to the idea of trauma-responsive practices.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Yeah. So I knew at a very young age I was going to be a teacher, and I always desired to be a mom. So I pursued my bachelor's in psychology and in elementary education. I love to know how the brain works. So I knew that's where I was going to be. My personal story actually began in my own childhood. I navigated parental divorce, parental abandonment, and poverty. And so my heart has always been very open and sensitive to supporting communities that have risen out of hardship. So I've always taught at Title I schools, etc. And so, as my family, my husband and I decided to build our family. We first had biological children and then we concluded our family growth through adoption. And I knew how to be a mom of boys. I have four boys. I always joked. I live in a locker room. I'm surrounded by all these boys. And so when my youngest son was about three, I could see that developmentally things were a little bit different. And so I started kind of taking a step back and also looking at my students because again, I taught in a Title I poverty school, but then also the state in which I teach, if during a data cycle, if we don't lead out in childhood trauma, poverty, domestic violence, we're always within the top five. So I really started taking a step back and looking and started having intentional conversations with other educators to really see like the shift within childhood behavior. So that fueled me to pursue my master's degree in educational leadership and then also my PhD in instructional leadership, but specifically early childhood. I really wanted to know the beginning stages of brain development. And so through that, that has become my passion to walk alongside other families, foster, kinship, adoptive. But then also I want to empower our community leaders, specifically our classroom teachers and our school leaders, on how to meet the needs of our students who have had a more challenging upbringing than what we would want for any child.

Tracy Whitney 4:02

Yeah, that early history of adverse experiences and how it impacts the way they grow, the way they learn, the way they relate. Yes. Yeah.

For parents & caregivers new to this language, can you please define what trauma-responsive means?

Tracy Whitney 4:12

So for families who may be new to this language, a parent or a caregiver that's, you know, not had the conversation about trauma responsive practices, what does that mean?

SPEAKER_01 4:24

So it's a great question because unfortunately you can go into Google and you can get lost. So let me kind of scale it back and really break it down. So we as the parent or the caregiver, first of all, we recognize there has been a disruption in the child's developmental trajectory. So due to that disruption, parenting and support, it's going to look different. Now, the parenting strategies and the support provided to that child are unique and they're individualized for the developmental trajectory for that child. So therefore, the parent andor the caregiver, we are being responsive to the recognized disruption or the trauma that was experienced by the individual child.

Tracy Whitney 5:14

So we're recognizing that the disruption is the trauma, and then we're we're keying our response to that to the child and to the trauma that they experienced.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

Exactly. So, like for example, in my personal situation where I had twins the first go-around, then I had a singleton, and then we adopted. So parenting looked different. And so from my children's perspective, you probably know what phrase is going to come. Well, that's not fair. You would have never let us do that.

Tracy Whitney 5:46

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:47

You're correct. You are right. Because number one, I'm not the same parent I was when I was a cute little 23-year-old, didn't know anything. But now I've been around the block, but I actually understand more about brain development. And I understand my fourth child is on a different, unique journey. And so because I recognize that and I actually appreciate that, my response is going to be intentionally tailored to help that child.

Tracy Whitney 6:17

I heard something the other day that struck me when you were you were saying that it was a fairly famous psychologist said, each one of your children has a completely different parent. And I thought 100%. Wow, that is so true. Just thinking about in my situation, my interactions with my different children, I show up different for each kid.

SPEAKER_01 6:41

We do. And because we're evolving as people, we're growing.

Tracy Whitney 6:44

Yeah. And it's freeing to leave it at different, not different as a value judgment, just different. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

I agree. I agree.

When people hear ‘trauma,’ they often think of major events—how should parents understand trauma in everyday situations for kids?

Tracy Whitney 6:54

So when people hear about the word of trauma, they tend to think of big major events, you know, mom overdosed or mom and dad divorced or other big life events that impact a child. How should parents and caregivers understand trauma as an everyday situation for our kids?

SPEAKER_01 7:16

And you are exactly right. So in 1997, that's when childhood trauma hit the stage. And so it was all based upon the ACE study. And that's where we talk about like the big traumas, like what you're just describing. So it was all like sexual abuse, physical or emotional abuse, and then neglect, physical or emotional neglect. And then we had the household dysfunction, parental mental illness, incarcerated relative, a caregiver treated violently, domestic violence, substance abuse at home, and then, like you said, divorce. However, now we understand more. We even understand about environmental factors such like community violence, neighborhood safety, racism. This is a big one for our audience, living in the foster care system, bullying, poverty, and even traumatic experiences like being displaced from a natural disaster or like a medical if a child has had a stint with cancer or spending time in the neonatal intensive care unit. So we understand all those factors. However, we also need to take a step back and understand that these factors actually can compile together. And then also there could be experiences interpreted differently and uniquely by that individual child. So how I basically describe this to my parents who attend my trainings, it's not simply just the traumatic event or the household dysfunction that can potentially interrupt the child's developmental trajectory. It's literally an experience that the individual child interprets as stressful, chaotic, andor traumatic. So an everyday example of this, I would say, is bullying. There are some adults that might see bullying as like a rite of passage through childhood, but that to that child who experienced the consistent target of negative actions and behaviors, it's stressful and it could be potentially traumatic. And it could potentially disrupt the developmental trajectory. But then let's look at additional factors. Now, if that child is also living in a life of poverty, navigating divorce, self-perceiving the lack of emotional support from the present parent, now all these factors start piling up, and they can truly have a potential interruption in the development trajectory of the child.

Tracy Whitney 9:52

So what's

What’s happening in a child’s brain when they’re overwhelmed or triggered?

Tracy Whitney 9:53

going on in that child's brain when they're being overwhelmed by all of those factors or interplays?

SPEAKER_01 10:00

Okay, so that's a really good question. So basically, the best way to understand what's going on in the life of a child when there's high levels of stress and chaos and trauma is first of all, let's look at what's going on in a child who is not experiencing the high levels of stress and chaos and trauma. So typically what's happening is the child is thinking with their prefrontal cortex. They are thinking top down. So in our prefrontal cortex, and this is always doing this for my undergrads because I'm very uh TPR total physical response, the more movement I make, the more it sets in. So within our prefrontal cortex, this is where we process information. This is where we problem solve. This is where we as humans can stop and take a minute and move information around. That's what's happening currently between you and me right now. We're not in a stressful situation, we are focused, we're in the moment. For a kiddo who has processed and experienced high levels of stress, chaos, andor trauma, they are having to actually rely heavily on the reptilian part of their brain. So this is the basal gunglia, and it is also the where we have our flight, fight, freeze, and fawn responses. It's the most reptilian piece of our brain. It's literally big job is to keep us safe and keep us alive. And we need that. We definitely need that. So what's happening though is I always kind of describe it as a think of the large bodybuilder. The more we work this part out and utilize and overstress and rely heavily on this part of our brain, it's getting big time muscles. And so, therefore, when our kiddos who've had to navigate high levels of stress, chaos, and trauma, this part of their brain is really overworked, over-muscular. Where this part of their brain, think of literally like if I were to start this workout regimen right now, I'm puny, I don't have muscles, I'm just very underdeveloped. And so when our kiddos are having to navigate high levels of stress, high levels of chaos, inconsistency, and they're having to make very inconsistent, non-age appropriate decisions, that's when they're having to rely heavily on this part. And this part of our brain is not meant to process information or problem solve. It's meant to keep us alive.

What’s something parents often misinterpret as ‘misbehavior’ that’s actually a stress response?

Tracy Whitney 12:26

So let's put some feet to this. What is it? What is a misbehavior or something that a parent might misinterpret as a misbehavior that's going on inside of them that's actually a stress response to that overdeveloped section of their brain?

SPEAKER_01 12:42

So I'm gonna step on my own toes on this answer. Um a child not listening, eek. And so I'm again, my child, my youngest is 14, knocking on the door is 15. So we are well into the teenage hormonal years. But not listening is actually a stress response because again, my youngest had endured a great amount of textbook horrific trauma. And so, with that being said, again, think bottom up. That's how he was trained to think, bottom up. And so, with that in mind, auditory listening is actually heavily relying on top-down thinking. And so we as parents or we as caregivers or educators see you're not listening to me as a maybe you're defying me or you're misbehaving or you're bucking the system. But actually, they're probably just trying to catch up because unfortunately, um, we as adults, we like to use a lot of words and they just might be overstimulated, and so therefore they're relying more on the reptilian part. I would say another big misbehavior, and I definitely use the quotes, is just dysregulation or the inability to self-regulate. Because again, let me define self-regulation. Um, literally, self-regulation is for an individual, no matter what age, can read the room age appropriately and to be able to respond in a socially acceptable norm. And so, like a very strong, easy, easy example of that would be like a five-year-old painting a beautiful picture in the middle of their classroom. They've got the easel, they're just living their best life. A classmate accidentally bumps into them and like their arm moves, and so therefore the picture got ruined. And so a typical child on development would be disappointed. I mean, it's a five-year-old, be like, oh, but they would probably pull out like a Bob Ross moment and turn it into a happy cloud, or they would just choose another color, maybe quietly could get a new piece of paper. It like it wouldn't be a big production. A kiddo that's navigating some dysregulation possibly could throw the paint, um, the paint pen across the room, rip the paper, rip it up. So we see that as that's this, you know, that's misbehavior and oh my goodness. But having that just dysregulation, not being able to navigate my emotions, that is actually a stress response.

– What are some of the traumatic experiences that affect a child’s ability to succeed in the classroom?

Tracy Whitney 15:15

So, what are some of the common traumatic experiences that would directly impact a child's ability in the classroom to learn, focus, and succeed?

SPEAKER_01 15:27

So there's actually a lot because again, we're dealing with whatever environmental. So that's why I used to call it just trauma. But again, that's where I put in the phrase stress and chaos. Right. Because it's all based upon interpretations of the child. And that's why the human psychology and the human brain is so fascinating. And so this is why if you talk to parenting experts, read research on resiliency, we want as much consistency for our kiddos, even for kids who have not, like I think of my three biological children, they cross the finish line at age 18, like my husband, with big goose eggs as a zero for trauma. So they're quote, a score, like they cross the finish line. Where me and my youngest son, we I did not cross the age of 18 with a zero, and neither is he. So, with that being said, it's all interpreted by the child and the high levels of stress. But then I always tell my students here's the caveat to this if we want, like my three biological children, they were in quote, stressful situations, but they were age appropriate. No, that's a huge one. They were placed in a soccer game to where they got to have the running down the pitch and get the goal that won the game. And that was stressful. However, they were in a safe environment, it was age appropriate, and then guess what? They were surrounded by regulated adults afterwards. And that's what's the that's what is a big change about that, is because a lot of our kiddos, when they are navigating the stress and the chaos, it's not age appropriate, right? It's not in a safe environment, and they're not being surrounded by safe, regulated adults to help them navigate that. And so we could talk about specific instances, but really that's kind of like our checklist. We can kind of know that's what they're having to navigate.

Tracy Whitney 17:28

Listeners, I want to take just a moment to interrupt this interview and let you know about our library of free courses. Thanks to the Jockey Being Family Foundation. We can offer you 15 free courses that you take online. They're all designed to build up your parenting toolbox and strengthen your family. You can find them at bitly slash jbf support. That's B-IT.ly slash JBF Support. And I'll let you get back to the interview now.

So then, what does being trauma-responsive actually look like at home?

Tracy Whitney 18:02

So when we're trying to help them navigate those things, what does that look like at home? First, let's say what it looks like when we're it's when it's just a normal, regular, everyday interaction. What does that look like? And then we'll talk about the challenging moments.

SPEAKER_01 18:19

Yeah, so I would say normal, everyday the parent is regulated. So the parent, again, is recognizing the unique development of this child. So therefore, it may look a little bit different. Maybe we're not constantly having a television on in the background to help with sensory overload. Maybe the child at 10th grade, where the siblings already had a cell phone, maybe this 10th grader is not getting a cell phone. Maybe schedules are looking a little bit different to where we are consistent with our bedtime. We are consistent with our maybe certain diets. Like we we've noticed certain foods are a trigger and like we are very responsive to what this child needs. There's a lot of almost pre-work that goes into to make to help aid to have that safe, calm, and thriving environment. There's a lot of pre-work. In fact, I rely heavily on the PACES research, and it's um it's an acronym, P-A-C-E-S, protective and compensatory experiences. The research by doctors Jennifer Hayes Grudo and Amanda Sheffield Morris, it's literally, I passed that on to so many families because it's almost like a checklist where the ACEs were like the list of if you experience these things, the paces are the flip as well, wait a minute. You are an adult and you did have a chaotic upbringing, but how are you successful? And they were successful because they had these paces, and it's all about relationships. They had the unconditional love from a parent, they had a best friend, they had an adult outside the home that they could go to when in need. They were part of a sports club, they were part of an extracurricular activity, they lived in a home that was safe, clean, had enough food, they had access to education, they had an avenue for a hobby, they literally volunteered in the community, they had positive parenting practices, routines, and rules. That if we could, if I could ask any parent like how to raise a child, it would be paces. And we would want that for all of our kids. Right.

Tracy Whitney 20:36

So what I'm hearing you say is that that protective factor comes from the preventative, proactive things that we do, establishing routines, having predictable meal times and connected family times, and making sure they have plenty of safe adults. All of those things are what keep our daily interactions pleasant and regulated. We all know that goes off the rails sometimes, whether it's us or the kid. So let's talk about how to then kind of rein all that back in and get back to a point of regulation during a challenging or meltdown moment.

SPEAKER_01 21:14

Yes. And the meltdowns, like for example, full transparency. So our little one, he came with us at three months of age. So literally, we're knocking on the door at age 15. So we've been through the journey. Yep. We're not at the finish line yet because he's still growing. And again, did I did I mention hormones? They're a real thing. They are a real thing. Oh, I know. Oh, and I've got them too, because I'm perimenopause. So we've got hormones everywhere. So they're all over the place. So that's a real thing. And so, and also we're all human. We have so many factors. There, life is going to happen. We're we as adults are gonna have challenging days at home, or excuse me, challenging days at work, all the things. So, what do we do during a meltdown?

Tracy Whitney 21:56

Let's also add, I'm sorry to interrupt, but let's also add that some of the challenges. That we adults experience is from our own story of origin. And we need to make sure that we're aware of that. And that we're even if we haven't, you know, completely resolved it or healed it or whatever the word is that you use for that process, at least being aware of it. And oh, 100%. When the challenges come.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

Oh, 100%. And I I made the conversation to my husband many times because if we would have had our birth order of our children, I was not ready to be the parent for my youngest. Yeah. If he were my first. I would not have been the parent he needed. And our family dynamics, because our boys are all spread out. So two are already off and married out of the house, one's at college and kind of far away. So we are getting to be, not only do I have the experience of my other three boys being that mom, but I'm getting to focus on being his mom. And so it literally 100% because I had a lot of personal baggage that I had to navigate. And fortunately, I'm very, very blessed with my husband and his love for walking alongside other family members and individuals through counseling and through coaching to where we could link arms together to navigate that. And so 100%. And this is where when the moments come, because they will, my first thing, and this is where I'm having to preach to myself right now. I'm looking in the mirror, we have to be the regulated adult. Um, a dysregulated adult will never and can never regulate a dysregulated child. It just it does, the math isn't mathing. And so, number one, be regulated. And number two, we're gonna walk our, this is where we also have to build up our own personal toolbox to have those calming down strategies that are age appropriate ready. And I did many times with my kiddo, we would practice them when the stress response wasn't needed. So during the calm, regulated moments, right? We do a lot of reflective, like, hey, remember yesterday? Let's talk about that. And I am very transparent. Like, if I'm having a moment, I'm like, I I'm I was struggling yesterday. I messed up, and we have a lot of heart-to-heart open conversations of let's talk about some strategies because I'm not always going to be there with you. So, like, what breathing can you do? What do you like? Like a big one for my son is chewing gum. And when we figured that out in the third grade, and unfortunately, we we've been in schools where gum chewing has been allowed. And so I I've been very grateful for that because that's been a great stress release for my son to, and it doesn't bring attention in the public classroom where his peers see him. So things like that actually, like number one, being the regulated adult, number one, always keep your child safe, get through the meltdown, all the things around, breathing, and then also like crossover. There's all the research about our midline and interrupting our thoughts of our brain, like crossing over from our right hand to our left knee and left hand with our right knee. One of the other strategies that we had used with our son, it was about fifth grade and when state testing, that's when we really started seeing anxiety. He had never had anxiety until fifth grade. And so when we started figuring that out, that's when we started having all the conversations, even before we knew. So we knew the triggers. So as a as the parents, we have to wear a couple different hats. We have to sometimes be the coach to kind of prepare them and like do reflective and like, hey, this is what's coming up. But we also have to be a detective. We have to really kind of figure out and read our kids' clues and really see, okay, what is the trigger? Like we figured out, I want to say our son was in second or third grade. We figured out holidays was a huge trigger for our son. And I love holidays. Like I will go all because I just I had a very, as hard as my childhood was, I also had a very special, special childhood. My mom worked her fingers to the bone to make sure our childhood were just our holidays were incredible. And so that's been always dear to my heart. And so I had to really start pivoting some of the some of our celebrations because it would just, it was too much for my son. It was too much sensory, it was too much excitement. And so we had to pivot. And so I would say, in the meltdown moments, be regulated, be the regulated adult, hold on to some strategies that you know that works. Like again, I know gum chewing, breathing, going on walks, and then being that coach, being reflective, thinking, okay, let's walk through this. What were some triggers? How can we navigate this better? What can we learn from this? And then also just moving forward and saying, okay, could there be some things within our control that I can alternate or pivot to set my child up for more success?

Tracy Whitney 26:59

That's great. That's

How can parents balance empathy with boundaries?

Tracy Whitney 27:00

really good. And when we're doing this, how do we balance empathy with those boundaries or guidelines that we need to maintain just to keep everyone safe and keep our family moving forward? How do we balance empathy with boundaries?

SPEAKER_01 27:13

And that's a really good question because especially for our foster and our adoptive listeners, we weren't the ones that caused the chaos. And so, as humans, we can really go down the rabbit hole of using that empathy to almost feel sorry for our kids because their story isn't the magical childhood that we'd want for every child to have. And we we've got to really be self-disciplined and use our empathy to empower the boundaries because our research has shown time and time again, especially our kiddos who are thinking bottom up, yeah, they need boundaries, they need consistency, they need clear guidelines, they need clear expectations. And so that actually, the empathy should give us the personal drive and the energy to be like, you know what, we're gonna keep having this nine o'clock bedtime, even though I want to go, the family go do XYZ. My empathy, because I want this child to have the most consistent routine, I'm gonna set this child up for success. Because we want Adam yet to meet a parent that does not want their child to thrive as an adult. And that's that's what we want. We want our children to thrive. We want them to be able to leave our nest, be a functioning member of society with as little baggage that we're putting in their emotional suitcases as possible. But we want them to be able to have a job, choose and pick healthy relationships, have success and thrive as an adult. And so, because of that long-term goal, that's where we need to channel our empathy and to figure out how we can set our child up for success and what guidance, what coaching can we guide them through for that long-term goal.

Tracy Whitney 29:14

Yeah, I mean, sometimes the most compassionate and empathetic thing we can do is hold those lines firmly and be very clear with our expectations and be very clear with how the consequences may play out, but hold those lines, so to speak, with that vision of I'm doing this because I love you and I want to see you thrive and I want to see you succeed, and I know this is how we're gonna get there.

SPEAKER_01 29:43

And it's so easy to just go, okay, well, he's been doing so good here lately. And I I mean, I'm guilty of it. And so that's where I've had to have some hard conversations with myself and my husband and I. Like, we've had to have some private conversations of like, okay, we got this. Like we're in our own little mini locker room, like pumping each other up, like we can do this because, okay, now one, two, break, let's go. Because it it's hard. Yeah. It's hard.

Tracy Whitney 30:10

It's really hard. And one of the most trauma responsive things we can do is give our kids lots and lots of yeses. But sometimes those yeses are kind of like a covering for a no. We have to be willing to find creative ways to say no without saying no. Yes, but, or yes, and ways that we can again hold those guidelines and those guardrails. We call them guardrails in our house. So hold holding the guardrails in place so that this train is not going off the track.

SPEAKER_01 30:43

Yeah. Well, and I'll be very transparent again. So here's an example that we're navigating. So my son, again, is getting ready to be 15. So which 15-year-old in America doesn't have a cell phone? Well, the one in my house. And it's it's I've tempted because we've had to navigate me picking him up from school, communicating this. I mean, it's like we're from the 1900s. And so, like, we're having to navigate all of this. And I've had this little conversation in my head, okay, well, what if we were to do a cell phone, but we do this certain package, and then I have this other right of like research over here saying, Don't do it. He's not ready. And just because society, he's 15, doesn't have a cell phone, he's not ready. And that's where, and he he's actually navigating it better. The reason I'm leaning towards it is convenience on my part of him having that cell phone and just being able to live the life as a 15-year-old easier on mom. And that's where I'm having to, again, I've gotta, I've gotta keep again the big picture at the front of my mind.

Tracy Whitney 31:46

That's a great example, knowing what your kid needs and when they need it, and responding gently and compassionately and lovingly, but also firmly. And it's really hard to hold that balance.

What improvements or positive changes can parents or caregivers start to see when they begin trauma-responsive practices at home?

Tracy Whitney 31:59

Um, how can parents know that these trauma-responsive practices that they're employing at home are starting to make a difference, say in school?

SPEAKER_01 32:11

Yes. So, first of all, I would say personally, you're going to start seeing longer stents of time between the meltdowns or the quote negative behaviors. Like I would encourage start keeping a journal. I kept a little a track on my phone to where, like at this date, again, go back to being that detective of, okay, so this is what we are navigating. And that was where we even went through one time, a section of time where we were really focusing on is diet, trying to figure out things like that, because there's a lot of research out there too, processed foods and chemicals and dyes and all that. So you've got to figure out what works best. So I would say the longer stint of time in between the negative behavior to the next negative behavior and like communication with your teachers and your educators of hearing, that would that's been a huge like this is something that's working. And then also I would say is what you're seeing, what we have to understand and take into consideration from the school perspective. When our teachers are with our kids, they are kind of in their own little lab setting because our school system in our country is set up by the community in which you live in, unless you were to attend a private school, but a public school is typically the community in which you live in, and then they're organized by the DOB, the date of birth. So your teacher is seeing about 30 students in a classroom all within a calendar year of your kiddo. And so I tell that to parents to put it into perspective. So if we're getting those communications from the school of some some challenging, hard conversations of this is what's going on, this is the choice your student made, all the things. We've heard all the, I'm all the lingo. Yep. Just having the understanding that that educator knows that grade level and knows that age to where this is seen as atypical behavior. And so, therefore, taking that into consideration of okay, they're not against me, they're working for me. And so I would say when we're hearing from the teachers as to this behavior still going on, just reminding ourselves they're seeing this from a big picture for that grade level. And I would also say that once our we're implementing these practices at home, we are going to see the student actually utilizing those strategies themselves. And so that's where, again, like the gum chewing and the breathing, and we would even do finger touches, like his big thing when he was in the early elementary grades, challenges in lines. And obviously, in elementary and preschool and the early childhood grades, they're waiting in lines. They're having to wait to go to the bathroom, they're having to wait to do everything. And so, and me being an elementary ed teacher, I knew about that. So that was where I was like, okay, let's get some strategies. And so have a conversation with the kids, say with the kids' teacher and say, like, what are our, what's our number one, like, what's our hot point of the day, our hot area to where this is where my child is struggling? And then do some recreation at home to where you're putting the child actually in that little situation in a safe place at your home without all the distractions of the kiddo, of the other's peers, to where you can try to carry over the strategies that you're using at home and teaching at home. Now your kiddo is taking them and putting them in their backpack to use at the school.

Tracy Whitney 35:38

Yeah.

How can they take what they are learning and partner with their child’s school to better support their child?

Tracy Whitney 35:39

And I want to call out something that you said without actually saying it. This requires that parents welcome teachers and educators in the building as partners into this journey of raising this child. So approaching your school as collaboratively as you possibly can, sharing with them what you know works at home, assuming the best about them that they do know what they're talking about when it comes to grade level behavior and kind of the wide range of normal, um, and also assuming the best that they want your child to succeed. Um until they prove otherwise. And if they prove otherwise, then you have other steps that you should be following. But starting every new school year with this welcome to helping us raise Johnny. We're so excited to welcome you into this partnership with us. Um, and I think the other thing that I heard you talking a lot about was how much trust is being built at home between you and your child, when you are responsive to what they're struggling with and you're assuming the best about your child, you're building trust with them. So when you're saying the yeses wherever you can, or when you're turning the no's into what sounds like a yes wherever you can, when you're when you're present and responsive to what's going on for them, you're building trust with them. But then you're also building trust with the educators. And you're saying, I'm taking you seriously, I hear what you're telling me, and I'm trying to be trustworthy with how I support my child at home to back up what you're doing at school.

SPEAKER_01 37:22

Oh, 100%. And when I'm doing parenting seminars and parenting classes, I always encourage the parents stop and take an authentic look. How are you portraying the school and your kids' teachers in the home?

SPEAKER_00 37:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

If you disagree, that's fine. Have that adult conversation behind adult closed doors, but truly portray the education, the class, the school, the community to your child, just like you said, we're partners in this. And also, I would say expand that partnership to the medical team, to the pediatrician. And so that was one thing. It was when my son was in fifth grade, we had we had an mess up at school, 100% my kids' fault. Don't want to air his dirty laundry. But it just so taught, I mean, timing is wonderful. It just so happened to be the week that he saw his pediatrician. And our pediatrician at the time, she's retired, but she was she was more my therapist than the my kids' pediatrician. But she would always start off every appointment. So, how is school going? And so I knew this. So in the car, I said, now, bud, when we get in there, you know, Dr. So-and-so is going to ask you, how is school going? And he looked at me and he immediately just because it'd been like three days since the incident, and he just he he was already connecting the dots where I was going. He already knew. And I said, You you're in fifth grade. So you are old enough. Now you're the oldest grade in your elementary school. You are old enough to speak to your pediatrician because she's a professional and she is here for you. She's on our team. Because that's how I've always described it to him specifically, but I've never had to be so detail-oriented with my older three, but I've always described it as she's part of your team, and you're gonna explain the decisions you made this week. I didn't say mistakes, I just said the decision and choice you made this week. You're gonna explain that to her. So we get in there, she asks it right away, and I just look at him and I'm just very stoic, just like, here you go. And he he had to own up to it. And she said, Okay, let's talk about that. And I just I appreciated that partnership. And so I always tell parents exactly what you're saying trust until there's a reason not to trust.

SPEAKER_00 39:45

Right.

SPEAKER_01 39:45

And yes, if I I'm in I'm in education, I don't want to spend my time telling horror stories. We see that enough on social media and the news. Right.

SPEAKER_00 39:53

Right.

SPEAKER_01 39:54

Please trust and partner with them. They have a group of students that are within that age range to where they should they they technically they are the expert of that grade. Rely on their education, rely on their knowledge, and partner with them. And I would also suggest when chaos does happen at home, because again, we're human. Like we just went through a move in November. Um, I remember three years ago when my dad passed away, he was very close to my son. So we navigated that. I let his teachers know, and just to communicate to say, hey, like we're navigating this at home right now. We're doing everything in our power to keep things as consistent, but it's kind of it's it's a sad chapter right now in our family's life, but we're navigating it because we still have life.

Tracy Whitney 40:43

Right. Right and you have years of experiences behind you that say we can navigate this hard thing. 100%. Yeah. I was very, very fortunate when my kids were in the elementary years that when we did have challenges, I had the teachers' cell phone numbers and I could text and say, Hey, so-and-so is coming in hot this morning. Or so-and-so had a really, really rough night. And I could say that and I knew that it was being received without any judgment because life happens. And I also had the added benefit that these teachers were open to hearing about my child's life experiences prior to joining our home. And so they understood that there was more going on almost every time something happened than just the thing that happened.

SPEAKER_01 41:35

Right, 100%. And I've been on both sides of the coin because I've been the classroom teacher where I've received those text messages, and I'm so grateful because I was the classroom teacher that always advocated, like, please, I'm on your team. This is all confidential, please let me know. And just like you, I've been the parent that I've sent the emails, the messages through talking points, through group me, all the things of a Starbucks card is already in your email right now. Please know that it's just I did everything in my power. They they get it. They will. We're humans, and this is what's gonna happen. But yeah, it's it's a marathon. Yeah, it's not a sprint. That would be my other big advice from parent to parent. Don't take things personal. Yeah, I think, especially for me, being I have a PhD, I've raised three other boys, like I know how to be a parent. Why is this still not working? I cannot take my child's behavior personal, nor can I take a decision made at the school personal. And that's it's that's been a very um, what's the word? That's been a hard lesson for me that I probably I'm still learning, but it's it's just I as humans and especially me, my heart is always to the surface. And I've really had to like put that to the side and think with the logical brain to look from this teacher's perspective, look from my child's perspective, and really not take everything so personal.

Tracy Whitney 43:12

Yeah. And you're still learning that because this child's getting a different parent showing up than your middle child or your oldest child. Not just because you're evolving, but because you show up differently for each kid. Oh, yes. And it segues beautifully into something that I wanted to touch on. Again, life is hard. Things happen that make life harder. When you are raising a child who needs this trauma responsiveness from you, please make sure you are scheduling and planning and intentionally creating moments of nourishing self care. It is so crucial. You cannot support and serve your child and meet the needs in your home if you are depleted. So make sure you're exercising, make sure you're meeting a girlfriend for lunch, or going to your guys' group every week, or playing pickleball with a friend, whatever it is that makes you feel more like you, do those things to support yourself and care for yourself so that you can keep showing up for your kids the way they need you to.

SPEAKER_01 44:25

100%. And I will tell you, we live in this amazing digital world to where we can listen to a podcast in our car. We can pull up on our phone and see a social media group of other people who get it. And there's so much truth to that. I have a couple of friends that are in my inner circle that I can be 100% transparent. And I know they are not going to judge me. I know they're going to say, sister, okay, today's goal is just to keep everybody alive. Today's goal is not to have the Pinterest perfect dining room table, eat off paper plates, let the laundry go one more week. The sun's still gonna shine tomorrow. The point is keep everybody alive and everybody goes to bed with a smile on their face. It's a good day. And that's what I would always tell my undergrads when I'm getting them ready to go out to the classroom on their own. I said, a good day is when you start with the same number of kids you end with, and you end with the same number of students that you started with. It's a good day. And if every student leaves your classroom feeling loved and nourished, it's a good day. If everybody in my household goes to bed feeling loved and nourished, it's a good day. And so that's there's a healthy balance, but 100% really take care of yourself and really listen to your body telling you that you're overstressed, you need rest, you need to, you need to turn off some sensory things, you need to eat and drink different things. And just sunshine is powerful. Going on walks, powerful. So really, really listen to your body and to what it's telling you.

Tracy Whitney 46:13

One more interruption, if I may. Did you know that when you subscribe to our free monthly newsletter, you can also choose one of our free downloads? They are guides, e-guides designed to meet your family's specific needs. Whether you're raising a child of another race or ethnicity, you're parenting a child with a history of trauma, or you're navigating challenging behaviors, or several other topics. There are relatable, accessible information in these guides that will strengthen your family and give you practical strategies to meet your needs. If you head to creating afamily.org slash newsletter and subscribe for free today, then you can pick the download that's right for your family. And don't forget to tell a friend about the free newsletter and the free downloads. Thanks so much, and I'll let you get back to the show.

What’s the one takeaway you want every parent to leave with?

Tracy Whitney 47:06

So as we're getting close to wrapping up here, what is a takeaway that you want parents to understand about this trauma responsiveness that's kind of the serve and return process that happens? So the serve and return that we have in this trauma responsiveness with our kids, what's a what's one of the big takeaways that you want parents to hear today?

SPEAKER_01 47:29

I would say the big takeaway is to accept that every child's developmental trajectory is unique to them. Not right, not wrong. It's unique to them. And I think long are the days where we pull out this flow chart or we pull out this at by this date they should have done this. By this date, they should have done this. Scratch all that. The developmental trajectory that your child is on is unique. And look at it within the five developmental domains. We have cognitive, linguistic, physical, social, emotional. Because when we look at the big picture, sometimes we think our child's not growing, they're not advancing, we're still blah blah blah blah blah. When we stop and look at it, oh no, they they are thriving with their hand-eye coordination. Oh my goodness, socially, he can talk to adults, his peers, younger children. Okay, we are we are gaining. His journey is unique to him, her journey is unique to her. Not right, not wrong. It's just unique to them. And I think that would be my biggest takeaway. I think it frees us as parents to not put all this pressure. And I think it allows us to see the beautiful individual child that that individual is, and then we can serve and we can support and we can guide and we can respond to that child as that child needs.

Tracy Whitney 49:11

Yeah. And I would add to that to take advantage of the great tool that journaling is. You mentioned it earlier, and I wanted to touch on it then, but this is a great point to add it in. When you are trying to learn how to respond appropriately to the child that's in front of you, it is such a benefit to first take time, and it might be an extended period of time, where you're observing how they interact and cope with the world that they're in, whether it's in your home or it's in your church community or it's at school, taking time to observe all of those interactions and how they take it in and how they put it back out. Journal it before you ever spend time trying to fix it. And when you can do that, then you're looking at their behavior as kind of that manifestation or that expression of whatever it is that's going on inside. And you're using your thinking brain, you're modeling for them how to use a thinking brain, but you're also intentionally going after what that child's unique experience in your home is. Because it's different for every kid.

SPEAKER_01 50:27

Yes. And you are being regulated because you are getting to look at the situation for exactly as what it's worth and what it is, without putting again any personal and previous and historic experiences that we've had, any baggages and being a mom of four different individuals but three different ages, the comparison game is a real thing. And my pediatrician, who the one I was referring to earlier, who was my therapist, and now she's retired, she would always have to, we'd put our son in the hallway and she'd always have to have a conversation with me because she could speak very real to me, and I was very grateful for transparency. But she said, you have to stop comparing his growth to the growth of your biological children.

SPEAKER_00 51:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:16

Because the mat he is his own child. And even though I can read that in textbooks and I can be the quote expert, I'm a mom. When it's when you are in the trenches, we just we want the world for our kids. And I needed to hear that of you can't compare. He is his own unique person.

Tracy Whitney 51:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:38

And that's actually freeing for me. Yeah. Because then I can support him for him.

Tracy Whitney 51:45

Yeah.

Where can listeners connect with you or learn more?

Tracy Whitney 51:47

Well, Dr. McCombs, thank you for your time. Can you give us an idea of where people can get a hold of you? I you mentioned a couple of times that you do some webinars and teaching seminars and things like that. Where can our listeners get a hold of you? And we'll put it in the show notes for them.

SPEAKER_01 52:02

Thank you so much. So I am actually an assistant professor here in Oklahoma at Northeastern State University. So my love is education. And so at NSU OK.edu, you can find me McCombs B at NSU OK.edu. And then my husband and I do have a nonprofit. It sounds like St. Louis, S T L, but it stands for Show the Love 234 based upon Philippians 2, 3, and 4. So we have a Facebook page, STL234 Outreaches. And we basically, it started as supporting and providing items for homeless and impoverished families of Tulsa. Our whole ministry got turned upside down through COVID. And so now we've pivoted to supporting families through supervised visits, through trauma-responsive at-home practices and counseling sessions, along with drug and alcohol counseling. And so basically, we're trying to walk alongside families and help coach and support families as they are mended back together and helping as they support their own children.

Tracy Whitney 53:05

Wow, that's fantastic. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. And we'll put those in the show notes for our listeners who are intrigued or who live in that area and want to get involved somehow. So, Dr. McCombs, thank you for your time, for your passion for these kids, and for helping families strengthen their responsiveness to their children and helping kids thrive at school and at home and all the places. So we appreciate your time today.

SPEAKER_01 53:31

Thank you.