How Your Attachment History Shapes Your Parenting

When we think about attachment in adoption and foster care, we usually focus on the child. But parents bring their own attachment histories and life experiences into the relationship as well. Dr. Chaitra Wirta-Leiker explores how a parent's past can shape their parenting, influence reactions to challenging behaviors, and impact family connection and healing. Dr. Wirta-Leiker is a licensed psychologist, transnational and transracial adoptee, adoptive parent, creator of the National Adoptee-Therapist Directory, and author of the Adoptees Like Me children’s book series.

In this episode, we discuss:

• When we talk about trauma and attachment in adoption and foster care, most of the focus tends to be on the child. Why is it equally important to explore the parents' history?
• What do parents sometimes miss about the role their own experiences play in parenting?
• Why can it feel uncomfortable or even threatening for parents to turn the lens inward rather than focusing exclusively on the child?
• Can you give us a working definition of what you mean by "attachment" so we are all on the same page?
• How does that relationship from our childhood influence our parenting style now? 
• The 4 major adult attachment styles, and what do they look or feel like in our parent-child relationship:

1. Secure
2. Anxious/Preoccupied
3. Avoidant/Dismissive
4. Disorganized/Unresolved

• Many parents hear descriptions of attachment styles and immediately start self-diagnosing. Why is that unwise or unhelpful? And what do you want parents to understand about using these concepts as tools for growth rather than labels?
• How do unresolved childhood experiences or trauma shape our parenting responses?
• Our kids with their histories of trauma, attachment disruptions, grief, losses, and trauma often bring those into our relationships. When these histories intersect with our unresolved experiences, both parent and child can feel triggered.
• What are some common ways our history of trauma may get activated—or "triggered"—by our adopted or foster children?
• How can we talk to ourselves when we feel that activation happening? Scripts we can use or messaging we can rehearse?
• Are there certain child behaviors that tend to be especially activating for parents with unresolved attachment or trauma wounds? 
• What is happening neurologically and emotionally when a parent feels disproportionately angry, hurt, rejected, or powerless in response to a child's behavior?
• Why do you think parenting in adoption and foster care is uniquely effective at exposing unresolved issues that a parent may not have known were there?
• How do our parental expectations—about bonding, gratitude, trust, or family life—sometimes become obstacles to connection?
• What are some signs we notice when we are responding from our own history rather than from what the child actually needs in the moment?
  • What signs can we notice in our kids to help us see that we may be responding from our own histories?
• What does healthy self-awareness look like for adoptive and foster parents?
• When parents recognize their own triggers, what practical steps can they take in the moment?
• How can parents begin exploring their own attachment history safely and productively?
• Is it possible to move toward a more secure attachment style as an adult? If so, how does that happen?
• What's one question parents should ask themselves when they find themselves repeatedly stuck in conflict with their child?
• Where would you encourage parents to begin if today's conversation has raised some difficult but important self-reflection?

Resources:

• Grow Beyond Words
• Understanding Attachment Between Parent and Child
• Adoptee and Foster Alum Voices resource page
• Therapy Resources for Adoptive, Foster, and Kinship Families

Transcript

Tracy Whitney 0:01

Hi, my name is Tracy Whitney, and I am the content director here at Creating a Family. Welcome to Creating a Family Talk About Adoption, Foster Care, and Kinship Care. I'm delighted to welcome Dr. Shaitra Werta Liker to our show today. She is a licensed psychologist, transnational, and transracial adoptee, an adoptive parent, and she specializes in providing mental health support focused on adoption, trauma, and racial identity work. She is also the creator of the National Adoptee Therapist Directory, which you can find linked in our Adoptee Voices page on our website. And she is the author of Adoptees Like Me Children's Book Series. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Appreciate you inviting me to join. I'm so glad to have you here.

When we talk about trauma and attachment in adoption and foster care, most of the focus tends to be on the child. Why is it equally important to explore the parents' history?

Tracy Whitney 0:54

When we talk about trauma and attachment in adoption and foster care, most of the focus tends to be on the child's attachment. Why is it equally important to explore the parent's history?

SPEAKER_01 1:08

We're all human, right? We all carry our own trauma, our own attachment injuries, our own interpersonal dynamics. And I like to say that when we think of the parent-child experience, there are really three entities involved in that. You have the child, the parent, and the relationship between the two. So it's important to know how all three parts of those things are influencing each other.

Tracy Whitney 1:36

Well, that's part of the reason we named the show, how your attachment history shapes your parenting. So I think it's a great way to kind of kick that off and give that working definition of all three entities. So thanks for setting that good foundation.

What do parents sometimes miss about the role their own experiences play in parenting?

Tracy Whitney 1:51

You often work with both adoptees and parents in your private practice. What do parents sometimes miss when you're working together? What do they sometimes miss about the role that their own experiences play in their parenting?

SPEAKER_01 2:06

A lot of times I think people are trying to focus so much on their child and prioritize their child's needs and have empathy for their experiences that they forget to have compassion for themselves and the hurts that they've experienced. And so, you know, they're they're trying so hard to be the best parent they can and they forget to be human too, that they get to bring a lot of things into that space as well.

Why can it feel uncomfortable or even threatening for parents to turn the lens inward rather than focusing exclusively on the child?

Tracy Whitney 2:35

So that begs a question: why does it feel uncomfortable or even threatening then for them to turn that lens inward rather than just staying focused outward on the child?

SPEAKER_01 2:47

I think that's vulnerable for parents and caregivers in any role, right? For any of us to look inward and to acknowledge that we may have limitations or shortcomings or unresolved trauma. And I think in adoption and foster care, especially, it becomes even more difficult to turn inward because it feels like there's already a spotlight on our parenting, this expectation that we should know better and do better and be perfect. And so, you know, that spotlight makes it even more difficult to not try and do things in the way you think others think you should, but to be really attuned and intuitive in your parenting.

Can you give us a working definition of what you mean by "attachment" so we are all on the same page?

Tracy Whitney 3:28

Well, you've done a great job of setting up the why we would even tackle a topic like this. Now let's get into some of the basics. I'd love it if you could give us a working definition of what you mean by attachment so that you and I and all of our listeners are on the same page with what attachment means.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

Yeah, it's one of those words that's definitely out there and used a lot. But I mean, in general, we're talking about the bond that's created in a relationship. And our attachment lens just influences how we perceive others, how we perceive the world in meeting our needs. So it it's just really kind of how we create that bond and that sense of self within the relationship.

How does that relationship from our childhood influence our parenting style now?

Tracy Whitney 4:12

So research suggests that that attachment relationship with our own caregivers is one of the strongest predictors of how we are going to be attaching to our children. How does that relationship from our childhood then influence how we parent our children?

SPEAKER_01 4:30

It's all part of a cycle that, right? Even if we're not intentionally trying to bring in the ways that we were parented, that's our default. That's the blueprint we have in mind. And so it's going to, those patterns are going to follow us even when we're not anticipating it. And sometimes because we're not looking at them, they follow even more strongly. So that self-awareness about the patterns we experience, the ways that they were helpful or hurtful to us and everything in between. And when we can bring that self-awareness in, it's easier to be really purposeful in how we parent our own kids gives us more of a kind of an idea of, okay, this is the blueprint, but what did I like about it or what would I change? And with a lot of the families I work with, we talk a lot about the reparenting process that we go through, that we can not only parent our kids to meet their needs, but a lot of times we're also healing our younger selves by parenting through meeting the needs of our younger selves, making sure we give back what we didn't receive at the time.

Tracy Whitney 5:38

Yeah. Can you share an example of what that might look like in a family's everyday experience? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:45

So for instance, a lot of the adults I work with may have grown up with parents who were of a generation where emotions weren't talked about. So if you felt distress, if you were sad, if you were worried, the tendency was just to shut it down or to even maybe mock it or say that it just wasn't important. But what parents can do now is consider what would they have needed to hear at that time? What would have been comforting or empowering? And they can become that person for their children. They can say things that welcome in all feelings and allow space to process emotions of any kind. And so it gives them an opportunity to be the person that they needed.

unknown 6:32

Okay.

Tracy Whitney 6:34

So I want to make sure I'm hearing this correctly. You're saying that by offering what we might have needed when we were struggling with a message that was hard to hear, that's a that's an opportunity not just to heal a wound inside of us, but then to offer healing to our child as well.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

Yeah. Yeah, it's breaking the cycle of things that were harmful to us and very consciously choosing to parent differently.

Tracy Whitney 7:01

That's fantastic. I like that idea.

What are the 4 major adult attachment styles, and what do they look or feel like in our parent-child relationship?

Tracy Whitney 7:04

Can you walk us through I from my own research, I know that there's kind of four major adult attachment styles, and we've talked about it before at creating a family. Can you give us a brief definition of each of the parenting styles, attachment styles, I'm sorry, and then help us understand again with a real life example of what that might look like in a parent-child relationship?

SPEAKER_01 7:29

Sure. So secure attachment is the thing we all tend to strive for. And that looks more like someone who is very self-aware and self-reflective, able to attune to their child, notice how they're reacting to their child, but able to take space so that they're responding very intentionally. And so it's not just coming from a place of reaction. So they really are clearly able to see their child's needs and not just react based on their own experiences. For instance, if a child is kind of having a meltdown, feeling really stressed out and crying or upset, a parent with secure attachment is likely to perceive that as, okay, my child has an unmet need right now. What can we do to meet that need or to figure out what it is? But then if we go to something like a more anxious attachment style or more preoccupied, those are parents who are more likely to constantly feel like they're failing, like they're never doing enough or they're never doing it right. So they're very critical of themselves. They can be very critical of their children. A lot of times there's again kind of that sense of a spotlight, like, oh, everyone's watching, or no one thinks I'm doing this well. So it adds this pressure. And so with parents who you know have a child who's upset in that situation, they're more likely to feel like they've done something wrong, they have to find a way to fix it immediately, or to blame their child, even to over-diagnose in some cases, to try and find pathology where it might not exist. And then another attachment style would be kind of avoidant or dismissive. And that's a parent who really doesn't like emotions, they are just too big for them. They prefer to stay away from emotions and especially big emotions, because their own tolerance level struggles to handle that. So if they have a child who's throwing a tantrum, they're more likely to walk out of the room, not say anything, or even perceive it as manipulative that the child is intentionally trying to do something wrong or trying to upset them. But it's really just their own system being activated by something that feels overwhelming.

unknown 9:55

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

And then the final kind of common attachment style is disorganized. And that one is more unpredictable. That tends to come from a place of a lot of chronic and unresolved trauma. And so there may be some times when a parent is able to attune and see their child's feelings as valid and be comforting. There may be other times when they're more avoidant or other times when they're more anxious. So it just feels difficult to know what to expect. And for a child, that shows up as a lot of inconsistency and oftentimes feeling like they almost have to be the parent or the adult in that situation.

unknown 10:37

Okay.

Tracy Whitney 10:37

And I would imagine then it also sounds like there that's where a lot of a child's survival skills would be kicking in because they don't quite know what to expect. And so they're going to just work to protect themselves regardless.

SPEAKER_01 10:50

Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes that is where a child can become very internalized too. They've learned to protect the fragility of others around them by not sharing what they're feeling.

unknown 11:03

Okay.

Many parents hear descriptions of attachment styles and immediately start self-diagnosing. Why is that unwise or unhelpful? And what do you want parents to understand about using these concepts as tools for growth rather than labels?

Tracy Whitney 11:04

So many of us will hear these descriptions of attachment styles and immediately start self-diagnosing. I understand the tendency, but I would love for you to talk about why it's unwise or unhelpful and then what you do want parents to do with what they're learning and what they're understanding about these tools.

SPEAKER_01 11:24

Yeah, diagnosis is definitely a double-edged sword. I'll admit I'm not really a fan of it overall. Because we use it in a very pathologizing way in our culture. And the truth is, all diagnosis offers is shared language, right? It's not something that gives you a fixed stance on who someone is or what they're capable of. It's just a way to get a sense of how someone experiences the world or to help them put words to it. But when it comes to attachment styles, I think it's also really important to recognize that no one holds just one attachment style all the time, that different relationships, right? Those three entities interact again. So different relationships can include different attachment styles. You might have someone that you're very secure with, someone where there's a more anxious attachment style, one where there's more avoidant. So I think when we can view them as fluid and evolving, it's easier to just be curious about what's happening instead of feeling like we have to diagnose it.

Tracy Whitney 12:31

Yeah, that's great advice about attachment and parenting in general. Just keeping things a little more fluid, not boxing it in, and being open and adaptive to what our kids present us with helps us meet them where they're at, but it also eliminates a lot of extra mental and emotional energy that we don't need to be expending when we can deal with what's right in front of us in the moment.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

Absolutely.

Tracy Whitney 13:25

If you like connecting with other people about this topic or other topics related to adoptive and foster and kinship parenting, I hope you'll consider joining us over at our Facebook group. You can go to Facebook.com slash groups slash creating a family. We're a pretty active community of adoptive parents, foster parents, kinship caregivers, birth moms, adoptees, foster alum, you name it, we've got it going on over there in the group, and we love to encourage each other and engage with each other's lives and share stories and share the journey together. So I hope you'll consider joining us over there. I'll let you head back to the interview now.

How do unresolved childhood experiences or trauma shape our parenting responses?

Tracy Whitney 14:10

So beyond the attachment patterns that we carry into our parenting from the way we were parented, we also have lived experiences that shape our attachment styles. How do some of those maybe unresolved childhood experiences or past traumas shape our parenting style now?

SPEAKER_01 14:32

I mean, any interaction we have can have an influence over our attachment patterns and our parenting styles. So, you know, certainly parents and mother figures are the most significant early on, but even teachers and coaches and aunts and uncles and grandparents and neighbors, I mean, so many other people have an influence over that. So when we can give ourselves, again, that permission to be self-reflective, to kind of look back on what was that experience for me and how did it help me? How did it hurt me? What would I do differently in my own parenting? You know, it's looking back on those with curiosity and again that permission to feel whatever we need to feel about it, give us the opportunity to move forward in a deliberate way.

What are some common ways our history of trauma may get activated—or "triggered"—by our adopted or foster children?

Tracy Whitney 15:21

So, our kids, um, this community of listeners are raising children with a history of trauma, attachment disruptions, grief, loss, chaos, any of those things that we they bring into relationship with us. And we have, as we've already stated, brought our own history into. When those histories intersect or sometimes collide, both the parent and the child can end up feeling triggered. And that can be a really painful experience that then creates, you know, a new set of experiences. What are some of the ways that our history of trauma might get activated by our children or triggered, if that's the word you want to use? And then what do we do about that?

SPEAKER_01 16:08

I mean, the truth is it would be so great if we had a formula for that, but anything can be activating to our nervous systems or can activate our own hurts from childhood. And so part of it is that acceptance of that, like knowing there are going to be things that get triggered and it's okay. That's normal. And it's more about building self-trust and navigating through those moments. That I don't have to have all the answers. I don't have to be able to predict and prepare and control everything. I just have to trust that as my child and I go through this together, we're going to figure it out together. And, you know, a lot of times for anyone who's seen my trainings, I love the Mr. Rogers quote: what's mentionable is manageable. Yeah. Because I think anything we can talk about openly within our families, especially the parent-child relationship, we can get through it together and come out the other side better for it.

unknown 17:11

Yeah.

Tracy Whitney 17:12

Oh, you had me at Mr. Rogers. Lovely, lovely messaging from him.

How can we talk to ourselves when we feel that activation happening? Scripts we can use or messaging we can rehearse?

Tracy Whitney 17:19

Speaking about messaging, what are some scripts that we can say to ourselves when we feel that activation happening or that triggering happening so that we can intentionally and purposefully walk through it with our child rather than leaving our child feeling abandoned or totally left to deal with their own stuff in the moment because we're over here dealing with our stuff. So, how do we kind of talk ourselves through that? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

I think one of the most important distinctions I offer to parents is to make sure you're coming from a place of self-compassion instead of a place of shaming yourself. Because so often that voice in our head and it it reflects the voices of people of our past who have caused harm. But it tends to be more of a why are you doing this, or why don't you know how to fix this? What's wrong with you?

SPEAKER_02 18:12

Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

And we need to instead, what I what I typically refer to as our baby brain, that younger part of ourselves or those younger versions. You know, how would we comfort a child in front of us who's struggling? How are we going to comfort our child when we can use language that reflects that to say, you're hurting right now? I can see that you're upset. I can tell that you've been harmed. Like, what do you need? I'm here for you. You know, I know you can get through this. Things that feel really kind and encouraging and empowering. The same things we want to say to our kids, we need to be saying those to ourselves.

Tracy Whitney 18:54

That's a tough one. That can be really tough. That that requires some maybe some next level intentionality as I'm hearing you say it. It's good though. It's it's a good reminder. It's a good reminder.

Are there certain child behaviors that tend to be especially activating for parents with unresolved attachment or trauma wounds?

Tracy Whitney 19:08

So when you're working with parents in in your practice and you're talking about attachment styles and attachment history and things like that, are there certain behaviors that you are hearing parents talk to you about that seem to be maybe more triggering that their children do? So, you know, full disclosure here, I'll say I am particularly triggered when one of my children lies to me. That's a trigger that I've had to work through. I've had to ask myself, okay, so what's gonna happen if they if they lie to me? Is the world gonna end? No, the world is not gonna end. We're gonna get through this, we'll talk through it. That kind of thing. So, what kind of behaviors are you hearing about that children do that make adults just go off the deep end?

SPEAKER_01 19:57

Yeah, yeah, you've pointed to exactly it's very personal, right? For some people, it might be lying, for some, it might be disrespect of other people or property, it might be a lack of cleanliness or organization. I mean, there are so many things. And what it really comes down to, what underlies all of those things, is if we're feeling unheard or devalued. So something that feels really important and matters a lot to us, if it feels like our child doesn't align with that, it can feel really activating. So that again comes back to that place of self-compassion, that it's okay to say, this feels really important to me, and it's upsetting that my child doesn't share that feeling. And it's okay, like you're like you said, right? That it's okay, the world's not going to end. It's all right if we're different in how we view this. But it puts you in a place of being willing to find compromise or negotiation when you can acknowledge how far apart you may be on a certain issue.

Tracy Whitney 20:59

Yeah.

What is happening neurologically and emotionally when a parent feels disproportionately angry, hurt, rejected, or powerless in response to a child's behavior?

Tracy Whitney 21:01

What's happening neurologically inside our brains when we are feeling maybe disproportionately hurt or angry or rejected in response to our child's behaviors?

SPEAKER_01 21:13

We're having that limbic system experience, that more primitive part of our brain has been activated. And that's the part that often holds implicit memories where we don't have words to describe what's going on. It's just sensory and emotional, and it feels like we're just really charged, but we're not quite sure where it's coming from or what to do with that. So again, when we can kind of step in and recognize, okay, I'm reacting, and the reaction is automatic, and that's okay. It's coming from other places that I can explore later. But in this moment, if I can say it's okay to feel that, and I want to respond differently than that, it gives us a chance to take a beat and consider what we need to do. To attune to our child in that moment. But it really does require first reflecting on what we're feeling and honoring that, and then being able to turn toward our child.

Tracy Whitney 22:11

Okay. All right.

Why do you think parenting in adoption and foster care is uniquely effective at exposing unresolved issues that a parent may not have known were there?

Tracy Whitney 22:13

Why do you think it is that parenting in adoption and foster care is maybe uniquely effective at exposing some of those unresolved issues that we may carry into our parenting experience?

SPEAKER_01 22:27

I think there's an added layer of pressure we put on ourselves as foster and adoptive parents, you know, that we've been screened and gone through this whole process and have been through classes. And so it feels like hypothetically we should know how to handle every situation.

Tracy Whitney 22:45

We host a podcast. We should know this by now.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

Yeah. It's one of those things, though, right? We're never ahead of the curve when it comes to parenting because no matter, even if we have multiple kids, they're all going to need different things. So we just have to accept like this is always evolving. It is a process. We're never going to hit a point where we figured it all out.

Tracy Whitney 23:07

Yeah. Yeah. So reminding ourselves that it is a process and we've got plenty of time to try and figure it out. And it's not something we're ever going to come to an end game on.

How do our parental expectations—about bonding, gratitude, trust, or family life—sometimes become obstacles to connection?

Tracy Whitney 23:20

How do we adjust our expectations? So many of us come into adoptive parenting with expectations about bonding or about, you know, building this sweet, trusting relationship, or building this sweet, loving family. We have expectations about gratitude. We have expectations about trust. We have expectations about healthy, secure attachment, because that's what we've been all of our pre-adoptive education has been talking about that. How can those things become obstacles to the actual real life experience of connecting with our children? And then what do we do about it?

SPEAKER_01 23:58

I think that's such a great question because expectations create agendas that really become the enemy of attunement. We we no longer get to use our intuition. Yeah. Instead, we're trying to follow something external and it gets into that place of shoulds instead of just what's happening right in front of me. What am I feeling? What does my child seem to need? You know, it's again goes back to that self-trust when we can just be in the moment. It really is easier to manage what everyone's feeling and what everyone needs than when we're doing what we think we're supposed to do.

Tracy Whitney 24:36

Yeah, I do think that sometimes all of that training and all of that pre-adoptive learning and trauma responsive education that we engage in sets us up for some pretty big expectations. Not to say that the training and the education and the preparing is a problem or a fault of the system. We should be doing that. But yeah, sometimes it can leave us more vulnerable to self-criticism and the should. I had a therapist say to me once that should is a shaming word. And she said, I'd love to see you remove it from your vocabulary.

unknown 25:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:15

I agree with her. Yeah, yeah. That's a tough one.

Tracy Whitney 25:19

That's a tough one.

SPEAKER_01 25:20

Well, and and I will say, I mean, uh, like you're describing, the things that we learn in trainings and from agencies, and they're useful tools. We can use them as resources, right? But they don't have to be a formula that we follow and they don't have to be a set agenda. So again, going back to that, things don't have to be fixed. We want them to always feel fluid so that we can be flexible in the moment and use our intuition to figure out what fits for us.

Tracy Whitney 25:50

Yeah. And when we see success in one of those small areas where we've been able to do that, using that confidence and that taste of success to push us forward to keep trying, balanced with the self-compassion that says, okay, so you didn't get it totally right this time. That's okay. This is not a checklist, it's not a pass fail. You've got plenty of room to keep trying and yeah. Yeah. Self-grace and self-compassion are not my strengths. I'm working on them. So, but these are good reminders. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:24

And parenting, there's no succeeding or failing. There's just experimenting.

Tracy Whitney 26:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:29

It's all an experiment.

Tracy Whitney 26:31

Yep.

What are some signs we notice when we are responding from our own history rather than from what the child actually needs in the moment?

Tracy Whitney 26:32

So, what are some signs that an adoptive or a foster parent might be responding from their own history rather than from what their child might need in the moment?

SPEAKER_01 26:43

A lot of times it's the intensity of the reaction.

Tracy Whitney 26:47

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 26:47

So it's not the reaction itself. It's if we're feeling it so strongly that it feels like it doesn't fit the situation. It usually means we're bringing some of our own stuff into that space. So yeah. And sometimes we're not the ones who are easily going to see our own reactions as intense. That might be where a partner, a friend, a neighbor, someone else who's there. And sometimes even our child is the one who can point that out for us.

Tracy Whitney 27:16

Yeah. Yeah.

What signs can we notice in our kids to help us see that we may be responding from our own histories?

Tracy Whitney 27:18

What are some things that we could look for in our kids' behavior that would help us see that maybe we aren't quite hitting it at the same level that they're at? We're, you know, responding from our own stuff and they're kind of here. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:35

Sometimes there will be obvious signs, like if your child gets really quiet all of a sudden or they look surprised or shocked, or if they sort of go into that hiding or freeze mode. Sometimes it might be that their reaction gets much bigger because they're trying to match what you're bringing to the space. But what I encourage, instead of being in that moment where you're already really activated and trying to mind read what's going on, I encourage you when everybody's calm to have a conversation with your child. Like, I want you to be able to let me know if you're feeling something about my reaction, like if it surprises you or if it feels really big. When we can give our kids explicit permission to also let us know how we're impacting them, then we become collaborators in that process. We can all figure out what's happening together.

Tracy Whitney 28:28

Right. And then it's us against the problem rather than us against our child.

SPEAKER_01 28:32

Exactly.

Tracy Whitney 28:33

Yeah, yeah. That's good. So

What does healthy self-awareness look like for adoptive and foster parents?

Tracy Whitney 28:37

summing up what you said, the goal is not perfection. We're not shooting here to be perfect parents, but we do need to develop some self-awareness skills. So what does healthy degrees of, what does a healthy degree of self-awareness look like for an adoptive or foster parent that's listening today?

SPEAKER_01 28:57

I mean, I think mostly it involves curiosity that we're always checking in with ourselves to go, why is that happening? Or what does that mean? Or how could I do that differently? That there should be this constant loop of self-reflection, you know, noticing how you've been impacted, checking in with how the people around you are being impacted, including your child, you know, being in that space of constant curiosity is what helps you to develop a sense of continuing to learn, continuing to grow instead of feeling like there's an endpoint.

Tracy Whitney 29:33

Almost like a quick inventory like, how does my blood pressure feel right now? How do I how does my stomach feel right now? Am I tensing up on my neck and my shoulders? Do I feel like a frown has settled in and is not going anywhere? It's said in concrete. So taking inventory of the physicality of the moment kind of is sometimes, well, for me, is sometimes the starting point for me to go, okay, what am I thinking and feeling that I'm not paying attention to because my body's paying attention to it. Yeah. But my my brain is catching up a little slow to this one. So that self-inventory kind of goes with the self-awareness for my for me.

SPEAKER_01 30:13

Yeah, I think that's a great way to go about it. I mean, for so many clients, we talk about this internal triangle of experiences that with everything where we have a reaction, there's a thought, feeling, and body cue experience. And so, you know, thoughts are the least reliable because they can be, you know, rationalized and justified and distorted in a million different ways.

Tracy Whitney 30:39

And forgotten very quickly.

SPEAKER_01 30:41

Right. Right.

Tracy Whitney 30:44

If you're a woman of a certain age. Right.

unknown 30:47

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 30:48

But when it comes to body cues and emotions, yeah, they never lie. They're always very honest with us. And they're much more, you know, body cues, especially, much more concrete and easier to notice.

Tracy Whitney 31:02

And if you ignore them long enough, then they start to feel concrete in your shoulders and your neck.

SPEAKER_01 31:06

Absolutely. Yeah. Our body will not let us get away with ignoring those things for long.

Tracy Whitney 31:12

Exactly. So

When parents recognize their own triggers, what practical steps can they take in the moment?

Tracy Whitney 31:14

when parents have practice and self-awareness and they're becoming more adept at that healthy self-awareness, they will start to recognize the things that activate them and the things that trigger them. What are some of the practical steps that they can take in the moment when they say, okay, I'm starting to feel activated? What do they do?

SPEAKER_01 31:34

So that's where talking to that baby brain part is so important in a compassionate way that, yeah, of course you're feeling upset by this. This is the way that that teacher scolded you. It felt exactly the same as the way your child is yelling at you right now for something they view as a mistake. You know, being able to connect with that younger self and again reparent it, give it what it needed at the time. That did you need to hear someone say, that's okay to make a mistake? Did you need to hear someone, you know, just be present and say, I still love you, and give you a hug? Really being able, and those are things that can happen so quickly. It can take just a few seconds in your mind to acknowledge that, and then you can turn that attention toward what your child needs.

Tracy Whitney 32:22

Yeah. Hey, one more quick interruption to ask you to please consider following our podcast wherever you are listening to it, and then maybe add a rating or a review to let us know how we're doing. We always really appreciate when our listeners actually subscribe or follow. It helps us in the algorithms to get more listeners to give them access to the great content that experts like Dr. Werta Liker offers to our community. It's just priceless information, and we want to make sure that we get it into the hands of or the ears of as many listeners as we can. So give us a follow, drop a rating in a review if you have the extra time to do so, and I will let you head back to the interview now. Thank you.

How can parents begin exploring their own attachment history safely and productively?

Tracy Whitney 33:18

So, for a listener who's curious about this process and curious about maybe their own attachment history, where can they start exploring safely and reliably start exploring their own attachment history?

SPEAKER_01 33:33

Yeah, I I like that you add it in safely and reliably because I think there are a lot of spaces of the internet now where we can find a lot of information that sends us down a rabbit hole and it does produce a lot of shame. So I think being able to find those really vetted resources that, you know, things like the resources you offer on your podcast, things like uh foster adopt Minnesota or Oregon post-adoption resources. They have libraries of information that you can look up topics. Um, I think people like Robin Gobel are you know great resources for learning more about how to manage your own experiences around parenting. But what I always encourage is find facilitated spaces. You know, a Facebook group, an Instagram profile, those are great things maybe to get a little bit of information, but a space where it's facilitated gives you the opportunity to learn but not become overwhelmed. There's some containment to it, so it feels paced more comfortably.

Tracy Whitney 34:42

Right. And guided with evidence and research versus somebody's lived experience that may be completely off the wall. Because this is big stuff that you're trusting your heart to, you know? Yeah. So that would be, you know, find a good therapist, find a good support group, uh, creating family has support groups if you're looking for them and you can find them on our website, parent coaching groups. I think that there's some really good reflective parenting practices out there and reflective parenting guides, even if you're a person of faith, a you know, a daily devotional that guides you through these conversations. We talk about a lot of this on the Creating a Family podcast, but we also have many other resources on the Creating Family website that you can look into if you're interested. And you can just use the search bar and just type attachment style, and you'll get lots of great resources that we've done over the many years that we've been around doing this.

Is it possible to move toward a more secure attachment style as an adult? If so, how does that happen?

Tracy Whitney 35:40

So is it possible? Loaded question, I think. Is it possible to move toward a more secure attachment style as an adult? And if it is, how do we do it?

SPEAKER_01 35:52

Well, I wish I had a really clear answer for that because I'd be billionaire right now. Right. But yeah, I mean, absolutely. It's always possible. I could say always evolving, always fluid, really depends on having safe people in relationships with us who are working on the same things and working towards the same goals. But you know, it there's nothing that says we can't change what our attachment style is like. There's plenty of evidence to show those can adapt and shift over time. And so it's again, it comes back to that self-awareness. The more we know about our reactions and understand where they're coming from, allows us to validate them and then very intentionally choose what we want to do with them and how we want to move forward in our relationships.

If a parent wants to heal some of their unresolved attachment issues, where should they start?

Tracy Whitney 36:42

If a parent is feeling like they really want to heal some of those unresolved things that are making it hard to pursue that secure attachment, uh, where would you suggest that they start?

SPEAKER_01 37:00

A qualified licensed therapist, I think, is a great safe place for that. One of the resources on my website is the National Adoptee Therapist Directory. So I think that's a great place to have the nuance of adoption understood if you're working with somebody who already holds that identity or understands that world. And being able to really lean into that. And I always encourage people to trust your intuition around therapy as well. That just because someone understands adoption doesn't necessarily mean they're the best fit for your personality and needs. So that relationship is the most important part of any therapy. So you need to feel comfortable and safe and feel like that's someone that you're willing to be vulnerable with.

Tracy Whitney 37:50

Yeah, we also have great resources on our website for understanding what adoption competent therapy is, how to find it, questions to ask to figure out if the therapist is a good fit for you. I'll link all of this stuff that we're talking about in the show notes so that it's easy for people to find. But we have a resource page of adoptee and foster alumni voices, including yours and other websites where adoptees are sharing their experiences, foster alumni are sharing their experiences, and in many cases have gone on to become therapists themselves or are parent coaches and you know, running seminars and teachings and webinars where parents and families can learn together. I think it's always a great experience if a family can learn this stuff together. We also have a resource page specifically for adoption competent therapy. Again, how to find one, questions to ask when you're interviewing to find one. One of the resources that we have is like questions when you're interviewing a therapist. I never know what to ask when I'm interviewing a provider for one of my kids' needs or for my own needs. So having a tool like that right in front of me made it really easy for me to find a therapist that would be a good fit. Yeah, it's a daunting task. It is so daunting. And it's not helped at all by the fact that there's not a ton of therapists that can validly and reliably say that they are adoption competent and adoption trained. So it does make it a little bit harder, but it's worth digging in there and finding, and we are always happy as an organization to provide resources to help families do that.

SPEAKER_01 39:42

That's fantastic.

What's one question parents should ask themselves when they find themselves repeatedly stuck in conflict with their child?

Tracy Whitney 39:44

So, what is a question that a if a parent is feeling particularly stuck in conflict with a child and just feeling like they are getting nowhere and they need to make some ground? They need to gain some ground here. What's a question that they should ask themselves when they are finding themselves in that position?

SPEAKER_01 40:05

I think one of the best reframes we can offer is to ask, how is my child trying to protect themselves right now?

Tracy Whitney 40:14

That's so good.

SPEAKER_01 40:15

Yeah. Yeah. So many things that we label as pathologizing or self-sabotaging or manipulative. When we can really get to that place of asking, what are they doing right now that's adaptive? How is this meant to be self-protective? It gives us empathy and it actually helps us to see their brilliance too, like how incredible it is, the ways that they've learned to survive. So when we can reframe it that way, it gives gives our child permission to feel empowered by the ways they take care of themselves too and gives them a choice in it.

unknown 40:51

Yeah.

Tracy Whitney 40:52

And I would imagine then turning that question on ourselves, how did we adapt? How did we survive when we were feeling stuck as a child? Or how are we adapting right now if we're feeling stuck with our kids? I would imagine that that's a helpful reframe also.

SPEAKER_01 41:09

Absolutely. Yeah. There's nothing we do that isn't meant to meet a need, right? Even things that seem really extreme. You know, if we take something like substance abuse, most people at face value would say, you're just, you know, you're hurting yourself. It's harmful. But when we can consider, oh, it's actually meant to offer an escape from a lot of pain to give relief, even if it's not the healthiest way of going about it, the intention is still loving, right? There's a way to try and protect yourself. So oftentimes we have to consider the circumstances may not offer a lot of ways to protect yourself safely or in healthy ways, but the more opportunities we have to learn different types of coping strategies, the easier it is to self-protect in healthy ways for ourselves and for everyone around us.

Tracy Whitney 42:03

And then remodeling that for our kids and they're learning healthier ways to protect themselves, healthier ways to advocate for themselves. Yeah.

Where would you encourage parents to begin if today's conversation has raised some difficult but important self-reflection?

Tracy Whitney 42:13

So if a parent or a caregiver is listening to today's conversation and this conversation has maybe brought up some hard stuff for them or some points that they go, oh, I should maybe be paying attention to that. Give us a couple steps that they should follow to pursue that and go forward with that.

SPEAKER_01 42:36

Yeah. Well, so most of them are probably not going to like this answer, but the first thing I would say is to sit with it. Okay. We get so set on problem solving mode, and especially for our kids, right? Finding all the resources, making all the appointments. And one of the hardest things to do is sit in the discomfort of it and to build our tolerance for that. But that's such an important step in all of this. If the next steps are going to be really intentional, to really listen to ourselves and attune to what we need so that the next steps can honor that.

Tracy Whitney 43:13

Okay. So what does sitting with it look like for someone who's maybe not used to sitting with it?

SPEAKER_01 43:20

Great question. That means noticing what you're feeling. So that triangle, what are your thoughts? What are your feelings? What are your body cues? What do all of those things telling you about what you're experiencing? How are they connecting back to things that have happened in your past or things you're noticing in your parenting now? And what do you want to do with that? Do some of those things feel okay? And if not, what are some of the things you'd like to change and how would you like them to be different?

Tracy Whitney 43:53

Okay. And when we ask ourselves, what do I want to do with this? What what are the next steps beyond that?

SPEAKER_01 44:01

So that's where a lot of those resources come in, right? Then you can go into problem solving mode of figuring out who's the therapist that's a good fit, what are the groups that I can attend, what's a training that I'm interested in going to? That's where you can start to do those more concrete things.

unknown 44:18

Okay.

Tracy Whitney 44:19

Dr. Shaitra Wurda Liker, I'm so grateful for your time with us today. And thank you so much for being flexible with scheduling. I know your schedule and mine are about four hours apart, so I appreciate your flexibility with that. But I also appreciate the wisdom and the expertise that you bring to this conversation to help parents understand their attachment style so that they can better meet the children that they're caring for, where those children need them to show up. So thanks very much. Yeah, thank you for having me.