We Parent So Differently! How Do We Manage the Differences? - Weekend Wisdom

Question: My partner and I parent really differently, especially with our adopted child. I’m more focused on connection and understanding behavior, and my partner is much more strict and consequences-focused. We keep arguing about discipline and routines, and honestly, it’s starting to hurt our relationship too. How do we stop fighting about parenting and work better together?

Resources:

• Prioritizing Your Marriage in Adoption, Foster Care, or Kinship Care
• When Your Child's Trauma Impacts Your Marriage
• Self-Care Isn't Selfish

Related Podcasts:

• Strategies for Maintaining a Healthy Marriage or Partnership While Raising Adopted, Foster, or Relative Children
• When Parenting Feels Uneven: Helping Your Partner Step In

Transcript

Copy

Tracy Whitney 0:01

Hi, and welcome to Weekend Wisdom. I'm Tracy Whitney. I am the content director for creating a family and your host for today's episode of Weekend Wisdom. Weekend Wisdom is our short-form podcast where we answer a specific question and we give what we hope are concrete practical strategies to help the listener who sent us the question. And today's question is from an anonymous listener. And when I say anonymous, you'll understand why. Nobody wants to throw their partner under the bus. So here we go. My partner and I parent very differently, especially with our adopted child. I am much more focused on connection and understanding the behaviors, and my partner is much more strict and consequences focused. We keep arguing about discipline and routines, and honestly, it's starting to wear on our relationship as well. How do we stop fighting about parenting and work better together? Well, listener, that's a million-dollar question. And I am not in any way going to make you believe that I have all the answers because I certainly don't. I know that in our journey of raising biological children and adopted children, this has been a work in progress for us as well. And we've been married 36 years. So I hope that you understand that that means you are not alone. I hope you understand that that means this is way more common than most couples would like to talk about. And I hope you understand that you feel some sort of support or connection in knowing that you are not alone. It is very common for partners to be on different pages with their parenting style, with their parenting philosophy. But I also know that it's also very, very stressful. Honestly, I think many couples feel ashamed to talk about it because they think everyone else has kind of figured out what they're doing and how to be this, you know, perfectly united parenting team. But in the adoption, fostering, and kinship spaces where we live, and I'm including you, listener, in that, parenting differences can feel magnified beyond belief. And I understand where that happens. One parent is maybe reading all the trauma books or listening to all the podcasts or trying really hard to connect with other parents who are trying to become trauma-informed and they're they're trying really hard to learn how to stay calm and stay connected. And the other parent is thinking, but we still need rules, we still need structure, they still need to be accountable for their actions. They need, they still need to learn responsibility. And before long, you're not just parenting your child differently anymore. You're reacting to each other. And then you start feeling alone and misunderstood and isolated and judged and maybe even resentful. But we can work through that if we're committed to this team mentality. Usually it starts by assuming that both of you are trying your best, trying to do what you know to do with the information you have. And that's the part that I wish more parents and more couples understood is that assumption that they really are trying their best. And I will, I'll be the first to admit that I have been guilty over the years of not assuming that about my partner. Just trying to understand that these conflicts don't happen because one of us loves the child more than the other, or cares more about the condition of our home and the tone of our home than the other, or is trying harder than the other. It's not a competition. Maybe it's that both parents are parenting from a place of fear or uncertainty or lack of understanding. Maybe one is afraid that the child will reject them if they do hold the line real hard or real steady. Maybe one is feeling as if the child is deeply misunderstood. Maybe one parent is feeling that things are getting chaotic and out of control because of the space and room for big feelings. Underneath all of those differences of one parent and the other parent is an argument that can be made that there's some level of fear, exhaustion, overwhelm going on for both parents. So, first, try and assuming the best about each other is a great starting point. Second, understanding that there's something else going on underneath is another good starting point. Honestly, parents like us who've experienced raising kids from histories of trauma or loss or prenatal substance exposure or really hard early life experiences, we know that this kind of parenting can put a real stress on our relationships. You're tired, your nervous system is fried, everybody in the house is just reacting instead of responding thoughtfully and intentionally. So while you're listening to this, I want you to just kind of pause. Take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and then let it out nice and slow. And understand while you're doing that, that this current state of being between you and your partner does not mean that your relationship is doomed. It does not mean you're failing your child or that you're failing in the act and practice of marriage or partnership. It means you're human. And I want you to just remember that and give yourself some space to take that deep breath and say, I'm not failing, I'm human. We recently did a podcast episode where we interviewed Josh Davis, Dr. Josh Davis, about parenting differently and trying to invite our partners into sharing the parenting load. And one of the things that he said several times in several different ways is that we can't force our partner to parent differently. We can't force our partner to change, but we can change the way that we listen, the way that we communicate, the way we show up for the other parent, and the way we influence each other. And I think it's really important to remember that because sometimes we unintentionally approach these conversations like a debate that we need to win. And I will be the first to raise my hand and say that that has been my past. I'm being really vulnerable here and I just wanted to win. I just needed to be the one that could say I'm right. But nobody wins when parenting relationships become about who's right or who's winning. The question that is better asked is how do we help this child together? And sometimes you have to ask that question every day. Sometimes you might be in a position where the conditions are that you have to ask it every couple hours. That's okay. Ask it. Because that shift, how can we help our child together really matters in where you go from here. One thing that can help you with that shift is to get curious instead of defensive. So instead of saying something like, oof, you were just way too harsh with Johnny, you could say, Can you help me understand what you want to see change in Johnny's behaviors? Instead of saying, you never support me, you could say, I think we're both overwhelmed right now. Can we talk about what's feeling particularly hard right now for each of us? That softer approach sounds really small, but it changes the entire feel of the conversation. And again, you can only change you. You can't change the way your partner is parenting. You can change the way you show up for these hard conversations. When people feel attacked, they defend themselves. That's we know that in our kids' experiences, they go into fight, flight, or freeze mode, but it's the same with adults. When an adult feels misunderstood, they kind of flip their lid and go into fight, flight, or freeze. When they feel understood, their whole demeanor can soften and they can be open-hearted and open-minded to hear a helpful dialogue. Another thing to remember is that our parenting styles quite frequently come from our own history of being parented by our parents. Maybe your partner grew up in a home where strictness felt safe and predictable. Those firm boundaries made the kids and the adults feel like this was our safe place. This is how we function and how we function well. Maybe you grew up feeling unseen or misunderstood. And now connection feels incredibly important to you. And that's why you look at his different parenting style or her different parenting style as a lack of connection. Neither of you came to parenting this child in this season as a blank slate. And honestly, sometimes just saying, I can see why that would matter to you, will significantly lower the temperature between you. I also want to say, because I think a lot of listeners need to hear it, that you do not and should not need to become identical parents to be a strong parenting team. It's not realistic for you to just switch your parenting style to match his, or for him to change the way he parents just because you said so, or because he feels the pressure to be like you. What is really important to remember is that our kids can handle parenting differences between us, meaning different styles. They can handle one parent being more communicative with, I see you, I feel you, I understand what you're going through, and the other parent being communicative with, yes, I understand that's how you feel, but we still need to get to school on time. Those different ways of verbalizing, the same goal, the same aim, the same mission, can be tolerated by our kids. And it's good for our kids to see differences because the differences between us are often where the richness exists. I don't think that that should be interpreted to mean differences in the way we hand out consequences, meaning one parent believes strongly in spanking and one does not. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about having the same goals, the same purpose, the same assumption of good, and then manifesting them differently with our kids. So I just want to give that disclaimer. What's really hard for our kids is when they feel caught in the middle of conflict or tension because of those differences. And that's kind of a fine line to parse out, but you need to be very aware of it. So try not to correct each other in front of the children. Try to save those conversations of how the differences played out for later, just between the two of you, even if you're disagreeing about them. And again, it's okay to disagree about them. It's okay to work through how to do it differently next time, but try to do it not in front of the children. Honestly, it might be also helpful to focus less on agreeing about everything and more on agreeing about the biggest things. What is the most important thing for you and your partner in how you're raising these children, biological or adopted, and then how those methods happen, those slight differences between you can start to play out because you each have different styles. So some of the big things will come to the surface when you start asking each other questions like, what kind of relationship do we want with this child long term? Or what values and character traits do we want to see come out in our family? What matters the most to us? What behaviors are truly the most important for us to address? And then hear each other on those things. He may have one view of a behavior that's critical to address, and I may have a different behavior that I feel like we need to prioritize. And so we need to talk together about that. And then a good fourth question would be: how do we want our home to feel emotionally to everyone who lives here? Because if there's tension between the two of you and conflict between the two of you, the kids are going to feel big feelings about that. And again, not just the adopted children, the biological children too. So anyone who's living in the home will feel that tension or that conflict between you. And rather seeing it as acceptable differences, they will see it as conflict or as tension. And so, how do you resolve that together as a couple? How do you work through your differences so that they don't become palpable tension or palpable conflict? These conversations can unite couples more than arguing over every little consequence that has to be meted out or every parenting moment that has to be navigated. And if one parent has done more of the learning about trauma, neurodiversity, adoption, parenting, any of those things, I will share from my own experience that it is not helpful to be the expert in the relationship. I learned that the hard way. Or would you listen to it and then let's sit down and talk about it later? Or you could say something like, Can we learn about this together? Or can we go to this webinar together? Or can we go to this parent retreat together? Instead of pulling rank, you're inviting them into your experience. You're inviting them into the experience of parenting a child with a history of trauma. Honestly, some of the best parenting conversations happen outside of the heat of the moment when you're just sitting down in the car, you know, when you're sitting in the car driving somewhere together, or over dinner when the kids are, you know, all occupied doing their own thing and you're still sitting at the table together. It's not going to happen during a meltdown. It's not going to happen during an argument. It's not going to happen when everyone in the house is dysregulated. That is a recipe for more conflict and more disaster. So maybe consider building a nightly walk after dinner into your family rhythms or take a drive, go out for ice cream, just the two of you. After the kids are asleep, sit down and instead of turning on the TV or you know flipping through reels on your phone, ask a question that's, you know, kind of been in the back of your mind. Express that curiosity, express that interest or that invite to parent with you instead of against you. You need to feel that space where you can reconnect as partners, not just co-managers of the chaos. Listeners, can you take a moment and share this episode with a friend? I know that the issues we covered are so common for all kinds of partnerships or co-parenting relationships in adoption, foster care, and kinship care. We want you to feel strengthened and supported and educated in your most significant relationships, and I'm sure you want the same for your friends. So take a moment to share this podcast with a friend. Thanks so much. Have a great day. One more thing before we wrap up. If the parenting that you're doing in your home feels uneven right now, there's a good chance that somebody in the house is carrying too much. Too much stress, too much information, too many action points without enough support. And so a good conversation would be how to navigate that uneven load. It could be you, it could be your partner, it could be that both of you are feeling that and you need to share each other's perspectives on the conversation to have a productive conversation rather than one more disagreement or one more point of contention between you. So figure out do we have the skills to sit down and talk about this together? Do we need a therapist to help us work through? Sometimes a neutral third party is the best thing that you can do to keep you guys on the same page. And again, even if your styles play out differently, you want your goals and your purposes and your intentions to be from the same page. Therapy can help, support groups can help, respite care can help. If you're fostering, you can reach out to your caseworker and say, hey, we could really use a respite weekend. Getting time together that isn't just about parenting, whether it's a hobby or a project or a weekend away, just the two of you, a night out of the house, just the two of you. Your child does not need you to do all of these things perfectly and perfectly in unison. They need parents who keep showing up, who keep learning, who model repair after conflict, who model a willingness to learn, and who treat each other with respect and dignity, even when they disagree. So how can we disagree but do it respectfully? And it's one of the most powerful things we can do for our kids. We live in a culture where disagreement is not tolerated because it pits everybody against each other. And we want to make sure that that is not infecting our homes. So you can have different styles, you can have different methodologies. But if you're parenting from a place of unity and giving each other grace and space for how you do it to play out a little differently, as opposed to not parenting from the same page or the same goals or the same intention. If you can do that and do that well, you're giving your child the gift of so many things like consistency, respect, dignity, honor, unity, all those things. So it's it's a really powerful way to positively impact our children and their view of adult relationships as they grow. If it's hard in your house right now, listener, you are not alone. And I want you to hear that from somebody who's been there and is still there and is still learning how to work through that. Feels like every age and stage that my children enter, it's a new way to figure out how to be on the same page as my partner. A lot of good parents are struggling with this quietly. A lot of them are looking for the same information and the same resources you are. So keep talking, keep asking questions, keep prioritizing curiosity about each other, give each other room to grow and learn, and remember that you are on the same team, even on the days that it doesn't feel like it. Thanks so much, listeners. I appreciate you joining us today, and I look forward to talking to you next week.