I Need Some Concrete Ideas to Build a More Secure Attachment! - Weekend Wisdom

Question: My child is in upper elementary school, and we’ve been together for a while, but they still keep me at arm’s length. What are some concrete things I can do now to help build a more secure attachment?

Resources:

• Establishing Secure Attachment with Your New Foster or Adopted Tween or Teen
• Understanding and Improving Parent-Child Attachment
• The Power of Curiosity: Helping Kids Feel Safe to Grow
• Understanding How Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs) Help Kids Thrive

Transcript

Tracy Whitney 0:01

Hello and welcome to Weekend Wisdom. My name is Tracy Whitney. I'm the content director for creating a family, and I am the host of this and our other hour-long podcast called Creating a Family Talk About Adoption, Foster Care, and Kinship Care. Weekend Wisdom is our opportunity to answer short questions with kind of quick, easy answers that will get you started on implementing new strategies in your family right away. So we're going to jump into a question that came in from Nicole. She says, My child is in upper elementary school and we've been together for a while, but they still are keeping me at arm's length. What are some concrete things I can do now to build a secure attachment? So, Nicole, I first want to acknowledge how hard this probably feels for you. I well understand the sense that you're being held at arm's length. I understand that sense of emotional distance. And I want to call out what you're doing well. You're showing up, you're trying, and you're thinking deeply about things that you can do on your side of the relationship to improve and change. And those things all matter way more right now for you and for this child that you're trying to build relationship with. That's all really good stuff on your part. And I want you to kind of go into this conversation with that sense of, I am doing something well and I am doing something right. But the truth is, for our kids who've been through really hard life experiences before joining our families, they don't always move toward connection. They don't even sometimes know how to move toward connection, because sometimes keeping that distance is how they learned to survive or how they learned to stay physically or emotionally safe. So instead of trying to pull them closer to us and having that like tugging sense going on in our relationship, we really want to work on becoming a place that feels safe enough, safe enough that they want to come towards us and feel closer over time. And that's the essence of secure attachment in our everyday lives. We want to be that safe place that draws them in, that just gives them a safe place to mentally and emotionally process who they are, who they're becoming, what they've experienced, and have a safe place to connect in ways that will bring healing and regulation and stability to their lives. So there's five things that I kind of pulled together from our archives, and you can find more information about those archives in our show notes that I've listed for you. But these are five things that I think might help you build the more secure attachment that you want in your relationship. And they're all from your side of the relationship. So concrete idea number one, one of the most helpful things that you can do is to take the pressure off of what connection is supposed to look like. It doesn't have to be deep, meaningful talks. It doesn't have to be long, extended hugs and snuggle time, or, you know, laying in bed reading a book together. It doesn't have to be that. It can be really simple, quick, quiet, normal stuff like sitting next to them while they're playing a video game or watching a show with them that they like or taking a ride in the car together and just being. We just keep showing up. We just keep being present. We just keep being present with no agenda. Because kids who are struggling and feel fearful or unsafe can sense an agenda a mile away. So you just want to take the pressure off of what connection is supposed to look like and focus on being present. And there's a lot of connection that can actually grow out of that presence. Concrete idea number two, because when they do keep us at a distance, I know it happens, it can sting really deeply. We have to shift into curiosity instead of hanging in that painful feeling of taking it so personally. We want to try and shift into curiosity. So that's concrete idea number two. So instead of saying, why are they doing this to me? You could say, I wonder what's going on underneath that behavior. Or you could say, you know, you seem a little out of sorts right now. If you'd like some company, I'm happy to sit with you. Or you could say something like, Wow, that seemed like a really tough moment. Are you okay? And just stop. Just let it be what it is. Your curiosity doesn't just open a door for you to understand what's going on with them, but it opens a door for them to think, maybe there's something else going on that I'm not in touch with yet. Sometimes it just might mean staying close and quiet in that curiosity, not helping them answer it, not trying to answer it for them, or not forcing them to answer your curiosity. We want to show them that we're safe without asking anything from them. So concrete number three, concrete idea number three is that I want to encourage you not to underestimate the small stuff that happens in that presence and in that curiosity. A quick check-in before bedtime, um, bringing them a couple cookies while they're studying, sharing something that made you laugh today, or sharing a sweet memory that you have of them from last year or the year before. Um, those are all small, low pressure moments that build threads of connection between you and again are without agenda, they're present, they're, you know, kind of in that vein of curiosity. And it's kind of these concrete ideas are building on each other. There will be times when we have to lean in and be a little bit more intentional with our words, but those are gonna be fewer and farther between if you're focusing on your side of the equation and how to build this concrete attachment. And those times that we do have to lean in, sometimes they'll still pull away. And that's the reality that we're facing. And again, it's gonna be you focusing on your side of the equation, so to speak. And it doesn't mean that what you're doing isn't working, it just means that they're still trying to process what connection and relationship and attachment means for them. And it doesn't mean that they're rejecting us. It just means that they're kind of all up inside their own head and in their own heart, trying to figure all this out. Figuring it out will be easier if we are consistently showing up in those ways, showing up with our presence, showing up with our curiosity, showing up with small, itty bitty little moments of connection, just stopping by their room and saying, Hey, I'm heading off to bed. Just wanted you to know that I had a great day with you today. No need, no answer required, just moving on. So again, that consistency of showing up again and again and again, even the small ways, will really matter. Um, concrete idea number four is to remember that as they age and develop their own identity and their own understanding of their story, their preferences and methods of connecting will shift and will change. So, for example, at a young child's age, you might see more sense of connection when you're sitting on the floor playing with them, or sitting on the floor while they're playing, even if they don't want you to play with them. And in the tween years, you might see more sense of connection or more, let me say it this way, more openness to connection when you're doing things side by side, like riding in the car or sitting on the couch while they're playing a game, or asking them to teach you how to play a game. Face-to-face at the tween and teen years is super intimidating, even without a history of trauma or a history of disconnection or unattached relationship. So when you add in the layers of trauma and hard life experiences, face-to-face can be even more intimidating and kind of overwhelming for our kids. So, again, that side by side rather than face-to-face, less talking, more just being, stopping for ice cream after you pick them up from practice, um, hanging out on the couch while they're watching funny reels on their phone, um, sharing a funny reel or cat video that made you laugh today, things like that. You're giving them some space and you're meeting them where they're at in a way that feels most comfortable to them at their age and stage. And being mindful of how that is shifting as they're growing will help you again keep showing up and keep being present. So, concrete idea number five, and I know this might be a little hard to hear, but when you're feeling that distance and it hurts, it's super challenging not to take it personally. But that's concrete idea number five, is to just try really hard not to take any of this personally. So that means, practically speaking, that you have to find other places to find a safe way to vent and share what's going on in your life. You need other safe relationships where you're getting your emotional and mental relationship needs met and therefore are not putting any of them on your child because they're not able to. It's not that they won't, and it's not that they don't want to, it's that they are just not able right now. And so you should go to someone like a good friend or your spouse or your partner, um, find a therapist that can offer that safe place for you to just kind of feel connected, feel affirmed, share what's going on inside your heart and your mind about your processes and how you're handling these five concrete tips. Just make sure you're doing things to gird yourself up for not taking it personally. It's almost kind of like you have to have this like permeable armor on where you are hearing the essence of what they're saying, but you're not letting it really hit home. So when your tank is a little fuller in those ways, it then becomes easier to have that armor up and not take it so personally or feel the stress or pressure of what they're saying or maybe not saying in their attempts to push you away. And when I say armor, again, I mean something to the effect of guarding your heart so that you don't take it personally, not armor so that you're keeping them out also. When you don't force closeness, then you can be patient to build it up slowly every time you show up in the smallest way. So if you see them starting to move closer on their own, you know that kind of some of what you're doing is working. So it might be just standing next to you at the kitchen counter while you're chopping carrots. That's them moving closer because they feel safe to do so. Maybe it's you sitting on the couch watching, you know, one of your family's favorite movies, and then all of a sudden you find them sitting at the other end of the couch with you, and you didn't invite them and you didn't make a big deal of them showing up, but they're there. And that's again, them moving towards you in connection. It's really, really small steps, and sometimes it feels hard to be patient for those small steps. But if you're patient to build it slowly, every time you show up steady and safe and consistently, they will see that they will feel safer and they will eventually learn how to process what it means to move towards you on their own. I appreciate you writing in, Nicole. I know that it's kind of a vulnerable place to be. I know it's a hard place to be. And I'm sure that you are not the only foster parent, adoptive parent, or kinship caregiver who feels this distance and the tension of this distance. I hope it hits home for you. And listeners, if you heard something in here today that resonated and hit home with you, please drop us some fan mail. We would love to know what you thought about today's episode or other questions that you might have as a follow-up to today's episode. You can look for the button that says drop us some fan mail. It's in the show notes on YouTube, it's um on whatever podcast player you're listening to right now, and we would love to hear from you. Thank you for being here today. Thank you again, Nicole, for your question, and I will catch you all next week.