Why Is My Foster Child Hiding Food Everywhere? - Weekend Wisdom

Question: We’re new foster parents and have noticed that our child is hiding food in their backpack, closet, and even under the bed. We make sure there’s always plenty to eat, so we’re confused and a little concerned. Is this something we should be worried about? Why might they be doing this, and how should we respond in a way that helps them feel safe?

Resources:

• Practical Solutions to Typical Food Issues with Adopted, Foster, & Kinship Kids
• Physical and Emotional Health Issues Common with Foster Kids
• Panel of Parents Adopting Older Kids: Surviving That 1st Year

Transcript

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Tracy Whitney 0:01

Hello and welcome to Weekend Wisdom. We have a new question this week from an anonymous listener who says, We are new foster parents, and our child is hiding food in backpacks, closets, and even under the bed. We always have enough food, so we're very confused. Why is this happening and what should we do about it? My name is Tracy Whitney. I am the content director for Creating a Family, and I am also the host of this podcast, Weekend Wisdom, and our other hour-long format where we interview experts in the field of adoption, foster care, and kinship care. That one drops on Wednesdays and it's called Creating a Family, Talk About Adoption, Foster Care, and Kinship Care. I hope if you're not already subscribing or following both podcasts, you will do so today. And let's go ahead and dive into this anonymous listener's question. They're hiding food. Your child's hiding food. And if this is happening in your home, you are not alone. It's not just foster kids, it's not just adoptive kids, it's not just kinship kids, it's any child that feels insecure or unsafe for some reason, and food has kind of become the thing that makes them feel safe. So, as strange as it may feel to find food in backpacks and under beds and stuffed in closets, the behavior actually makes a lot of sense when you think about the context of this child's story. This isn't usually about the actual behavior, it's usually about survival. So many of our kids that have come from foster care or other traumatic previous stories have experienced times in their life when food wasn't reliable. Its presence was not consistent. So maybe they didn't know when they were going to be eating next. Maybe they didn't know if there was going to be enough to satisfy them. And so their brains adapted to protect them and help them survive that experience. Hiding food, saving food, hoarding food, and even eating super quickly are all common ways that kids who've experienced challenges with food or unsafe previous stories have learned how to stay safe, how to keep themselves safe. So here's the key: even if your home has plenty of food right now, their brains may not believe that yet. And I say yet because there is hope for helping them understand that food will always be there for them. You may be asking, okay, but they are safe now. Why are they still squirreling away all this food? Sometimes safety takes time to sink in. Sometimes confidence that your needs will be met takes time to sink in and to build. So this child might still be thinking consciously or not, what if I'm hungry later? Or what if the food runs out? Or what if I'm not allowed to have it, but I really, really want it because I think that will satisfy the hunger that I feel inside. They aren't always thinking logically about these questions. They don't even necessarily know they're thinking them, like I said, unconsciously. Their brains are really just working to figure out how to process what they've already experienced to set a path forward for how they're going to survive future experiences. So trust builds really slowly through the same thing happening over and over and over and over again. That's the essence of attachment is consistent patterned responses every time the child expresses a need. The adult has that consistent patterned response to meet that need. So they're having to learn that food will always be there every time I need it. So let's talk about what you as a foster parent can do to support them and to build that trust. I have six tips that I think will help you support this foster child. And again, I want to emphasize that this is not just for foster kids. This may also be happening with adoptive kids, kinship kids, any kid who's really experienced some lack or scarcity or traumatic experience around food and having their physical tangible needs met. So, number one is to stay curious, not corrective. You want to say something like, hey, I noticed you're keeping food in your room. I wonder if you're worried about being hungry later. And don't try and answer it for them. Just kind of open the door to the conversation so that they start feeling curious themselves. Um, number two is to make food predictable. Consistency is everything for these kids. You want to show them and tell them you don't have to worry anymore. We've got you. So that includes regular meals, regular snacks, regular hydration, letting them know when food is coming next. Hey, dinner's in a half an hour. Hey, we're having breakfast tomorrow at eight, and then lunch will be at noon, and dinner will be at six. Messaging that so that they know that there's a plan. And then offering snacks frequently, even if you know dinner's coming in a half an hour, offering them snacks so that you're messaging them. We've always got food for you. We've always got food for you. We will meet your needs. The third tip is to give a little bit of control back to the child. And it may feel counterintuitive, but it helps if you offer them a measure of control over things like what time they may eat next, what type of food they can access, where they can access it. For example, some families will do a snack basket or a snack drawer in the fridge. Others will designate a whole shelf in the fridge for any family member. I've even met foster families that have kept small fridges stocked with favorite foods and drinks in their teens or tweens' bedrooms. A practical snack drawer might look like a bunch of protein bars and some of their favorite, you know, limited amounts of maybe their favorite candy, and access to fresh fruit and vegetables whenever they want it. A shelf in the fridge could look like single servings of yogurt, single servings of string cheese, dips if they like for their fruits and vegetables, things like that, single serves of juice or single serves of milk or single serves of chocolate milk, or things that you know will build a confidence in them that you're meeting their physical needs anytime they think they feel that need. You have to figure out how that looks for your family, but then you have to just consistently decide that that sense of control that they need is another way that you are making them feel safe. Sometimes meeting that need preemptively or with their buy-in, hey, does this drawer look adequate for the kinds of snacks you like to eat? Or does the food on this shelf in the fridge seem like something you really like? Is there other food that I'm missing that you might like more? Sometimes meeting that need reduces the behavior over time. Tip number four is to skip punishment around food, taking away food, banning food, you know, no dessert because you didn't do this. When the behaviors are coming from a place of fear, those kinds of punishments are actually going to probably backfire and make it worse. So if you do need to give them a consequence for something, it just should not be food related, even if the behavior was food related. So a logical consequence for you know leaving all the wrappers from food under their bed would be please clean up the wrappers under your bed. And that's that. Again, taking food away, banning food, or punishing related to food can just really backfire. So skip the punishment wherever possible. And related to that, keep food separate from discipline. Food should always feel safe and available to a child who's struggling with food issues. Never should food be something that's earned or lost. Again, taking away dessert after dinner for something unrelated to food is gonna backfire. It's just not gonna be helpful to that child. It's gonna deepen their sense of fear and mistrust more than build their sense of safety and trust. The goal here is to build the trust and build the confidence that you will always meet those needs. So try to remember that while food hoarding, hiding, and secrecy around food can be very frustrating and confusing for you, the caregiver, the parent, the foster parent, and sometimes downright messy and gross. Try to remember that your child isn't hiding or hoarding that food because they don't trust you. It's because they don't trust that food will be consistently provided for them. And again, that's not a personal thing about you. That's their brain saying, this is what happened in the past, and this is how we're going to deal with it now to protect myself. That's kind of what's going on here. So you're just helping them understand that while their past may have written the story, you're helping them rewrite that story by these five tips that you employ in your home. And remember that rewriting this story takes time. So that's a tip for you. You have to remember that every predictable meal, every calm response, every moment of understanding that glimmers between you and this child, it all adds up to building that sense of safety. You're building that sense of trust, you're building that sense of I am a safe place for you to land, and you will hopefully then see their behaviors start to fade. Listeners, I hope that this resonated with you. I appreciate this anonymous listener writing in and asking about this. And listeners, if you found something helpful in today's conversation, I would love to know about it. Drop me some fan mail in the link in your show notes or wherever you're listening on your podcast player. Tell us what worked for you when you were facing food issues with a foster or adoptive or kinship child. Ask other questions. We'd love to have other questions related to practical things like food. And let us know how we're doing. We hope that this information was helpful to our anonymous listener, and I'm looking forward to talking to you guys again next week.