A Hard but Helpful Step: Navigating Residential Treatment for Adopted Kids

Are you considering residential treatment for your adopted child? We speak with Daniel Hochstetler of Fair Play Camp in South Carolina about preparing our families for residential treatment, navigating the programs, and how to set our families up for success after treatment. 

In this episode, we talk about:

• Pursuing residential treatment is one of the hardest decisions adoptive families can face. Based on your experience, how should we think about residential treatment within the broader picture of supporting our adopted kids? (i.e., exists on the spectrum of resources and interventions)
• Before we get into the details, what do you want adoptive families to hear right away if residential treatment is something they think they may need to consider?
• When we say residential treatment in this conversation, what does that mean?
• How is it different from other supports families may have already tried, like therapy, out-patient programs, or in-home services?
• What kinds of needs is residential treatment for adopted kids designed to meet?
• In your experience, how can residential care be helpful for kids and families who are really struggling?
• What are some misunderstandings that make this option feel more frightening or confusing than it needs to be?
• This is where many parents feel stuck. What are some signs that a family may need to start thinking about a higher level of care?
• Who should be part of making this decision? How can adoptive parents make sure they’re not making it in isolation?
• When a family finds it necessary to move forward to placement in residential care, how can they talk with their child about residential treatment in a way that keeps the relationship intact?
• What reactions should parents expect, and how can they respond in ways that don’t escalate their child’s fear or shame?
• How can families stay connected while their child is in care?
• What helps parents partner well with the treatment team?
• Coming home is an important goal for parents and their kids to work toward. But it’s not a reset button that magically clears the cache. It is, however, another transition. And transitions can be hard on everyone.
• What can you help our listeners understand about the transition home from the child’s perspective?
  • How should we be talking with our kids before leaving the residential program?
  • What are realistic expectations for those first few weeks?
• What supports should already be in place before a child comes home? (work with caseworker from treatment, get recommendations, referrals, etc.)
• What are some simple ways to rebuild a connection without overwhelming the child?
• When old behaviors resurface—and they often do—how should parents respond?
• What does progress actually look like in real life during this phase?
• This experience affects everyone in the home. How can parents support siblings who may have been impacted by what’s happened?
• Parents are often exhausted by this point. What does realistic, doable support look like for caregivers themselves?
• If a parent listening today feels like they’re nearing this decision, what’s one step they can take to feel more grounded and prepared for the experience?

Resources:

• Parenting Children with Challenging Behavior (Resource Page)
• Accessing Residential Treatment Care for Adoptees
• Exploring Medication for Adopted Children
• Does Your Child Need Residential Treatment
• Get Residential Treatment for Your Child

Transcript

Tracy Whitney 0:01

Hello and welcome to Creating a Family. Talk about adoption, foster care, and kinship care. My name is Tracy Whitney, and I am the content director for Creating a Family and the host for today's conversation about residential treatment. We understand for many families that coming to the point of even considering residential treatment can be a very touchy topic. It can be very tender, it can be very painful, and so we want listeners to know that we're going to be presenting this information in a gentle and caring way that helps you consider what you need to consider. And so we're going to be doing this conversation with Daniel Hostetter. He is a camp director at Fair Play Camp in Westminster, South Carolina. And his passion is to help others find purpose, hope, and healing by processing the brokenness of our lives in ways that empower us to move forward. He's had the privilege of doing that as his main job for the past 22 and a half years at Fair Play Camp. So welcome, Daniel, to the show. We're so grateful to have you here and have your time with us today.

Daniel Hochstetler 1:08

Yeah, it's an honor to be invited. I feel like that's a special privilege. I'm excited about it.

Tracy Whitney 1:14

That's kind of you to say. So

How should we think about residential treatment within the broader picture of supporting our adopted kids?

Tracy Whitney 1:18

as I alluded to at the beginning, pursuing residential treatment for an adopted child is probably one of the hardest decisions that adoptive parents can face. And so based on your experiences, how should we think about residential treatment, framing this conversation within the broader picture of supporting our kids? Like where does it exist on the spectrum of supporting and caring for adopted children?

Daniel Hochstetler 1:44

Yeah, so I think often, you know, we think of residential treatment as kind of the last resort and the extreme, right? And it is that. But I think if families, if we can move it to where it's not just looked at as the last resort, like we we have nothing left to do other than this. But to look at it as a step in the journey of healing and the process of that, and often, you know, we're going to do everything that we can before we seek residential treatment. So it is naturally kind of the last resort, if you call it that. But I think if if you know we look at it as a helpful step in the in the journey of healing and not just we're kind of throwing up our hands and saying, we don't know what else to do. And so I guess we're going to just try this. Um, but to look at it as a step of healing.

Tracy Whitney 2:37

So reframing it that way for ourselves as adoptive parents can kind of take some of the pressure off of feeling like we've done everything we can do. So let's just, you know, throw it at the wall and see what sticks. But I think it also kind of softens it for us as adoptive parents and makes it more of a like, let's see who else we can collaborate with.

Daniel Hochstetler 2:59

That's correct. Yeah. Because I think often we we kind of put the idea of, well, if I if my child needs residential care, that means that somehow as an adoptive parent I've failed. Right. And that's totally not true. It just means that you're being courageous enough to say, what we've tried isn't working, and we need some extra support. And so I think reframing it, like you said, and going, maybe this can give us the support and maybe just a different perspective could give us the tools that we need and the confidence again. Because often when parents come to camp, they've lost their confidence because they've tried so many things and it just nothing seems to work. And so to try to have some hope and to go, yeah, first of all, it's this does not mean you've failed as a parent. This just means that you're being brave enough to look outside of what you've been able to give and just reinforce that.

Tracy Whitney 3:58

I love that encouragement for parents, and I hope that sets the stage for this coming conversation to for them to feel equipped and empowered, that there are other resources out there and that they're not seeking those resources from a position of failure. And I love that. That's

When we say residential treatment in this conversation, what does that mean?

Tracy Whitney 4:14

great. So, for purposes of the conversation going forward, let's define what we mean by residential treatment and how that plays out for a family.

Daniel Hochstetler 4:26

Sure. So, you know, in our program specifically, obviously residential treatment is going to mean that your child is living in a residential program. He's not going to be living at home. And I'm going to say he a lot because I deal with boys, right? So our camp is strictly boys. So I should probably say he or she, but if I do that, that's what I'm the context I'm coming from. But so residential treatment is your child's going to be placed in an out-of-home facility that is going to offer a variety of services.

How is it different from other supports families may have already tried, like therapy, out-patient programs, or in-home services?

Tracy Whitney 4:55

And how is that different from other supports that families may have sought out prior to choosing this option?

Daniel Hochstetler 5:03

Yeah. So a lot of, you know, in-home support, a lot of therapy support, all of those are going to be trying to surround you in your home setting. You know, a residential treatment center is then going to take that child and move him to that. So there's some separation. And sometimes that separation is good because while it seems hard and is hard, uh, some separation of just as a child, you need a new place to kind of restart. As a parent, you need some space to heal and some space to get some different perspective. And sometimes when you separate those a little bit, you kind of go, as a parent, I think it's helpful for a parent to go, I need a reset or I need to just a different perspective. And, you know, as a parent, even if your child isn't in, you know, outside of this conversation, sometimes as a parent, you have to go, okay, here's how I'm responding to everything, here's where I'm at. This is not where I want to be. And so moving to maybe a healthier version. And so residential treatment can help us get to a space where we can do that.

Tracy Whitney 6:10

Yeah. So in the foster system, excuse me, foster parents have the benefit of respite or things like that, you know, changing placements if it's necessary, if it's if the child is not a good fit for the family, or the family is not a good fit for the child. But obviously, in adoption, that's permanent. And so finding some sort of space or means to get that changed perspective and that reframing for themselves doesn't always come easily. Sometimes it's really hard to find as an adoptive parent. What

What kinds of needs is residential treatment for adopted kids designed to meet?

Tracy Whitney 6:45

are the kinds of needs that you see residential treatment designed to meet for adoptive kids?

Daniel Hochstetler 6:53

Yeah, so I think you you mentioned the respite part, obviously. You know, there's so many different types of residential programs, right? And so obviously, whatever residential placement that you as an individual family would feel like fits our needs and our child's needs is going to vary based on each family. But you know, when I think of residential treatment, I want it to, I want to look at it from the perspective of this isn't just we need a break and we're we don't know, we're kind of throwing our hands up, right? But it's a break that is gonna help us hopefully get back together to where this is not a permanent break. And and I know that there are cases where families have tried everything and they've tried all kinds of services and it's still just not working. And so sometimes that break is necessary for safety and for the health of the rest of the family. But I think again, reframing it a bit and going, this isn't just a respite, but it's it's a step that we're taking that's gonna help us get to a healthy place. So maybe my child needs to learn this and this and this so that he or she can be healthy at the same time as a family. We need to do this so that both of us, all of us, can be at a healthy place again.

Tracy Whitney 8:15

So it sounds like you're talking about coping skills for maybe dysregulation or communication skills for kids that really have had a hard time maybe identifying and expressing with language the things that are going on inside of them or helping them even identify what's going on inside of them.

Daniel Hochstetler 8:35

That's right. Yeah. And I think, you know, for residential treatment, often, you know, they're trained professionals, they're people that that's what they do. They're they eat and breathe that, where they're gonna be uh and I think for a child, it's a different voice, right? Like oftentimes, say here at camp, I'm not really saying that much different to that child than what that family has been saying. It's just that I don't have the history of all the hard, right? And so sometimes a different voice in that child's life is really just what he needs. And sometimes because I don't have all the history, I can actually say, we can actually say the hard things to a child that a parent isn't gonna be able to.

Tracy Whitney 9:23

Right.

Daniel Hochstetler 9:23

So I think that, you know, that's what residential treatment is designed to be.

Tracy Whitney 9:28

It sounds like a very compassionate, safe landing place for the kids, which then feels compassionate and safe for the parents because their utmost concern is their child's well-being.

Daniel Hochstetler 9:40

That's right. Yeah. Yeah.

What are some misunderstandings that make this option feel more frightening or confusing than it needs to be?

Tracy Whitney 9:42

So what are some of the misunderstandings about residential treatment that make this option feel kind of bigger or more frightening than it needs to be?

Daniel Hochstetler 9:52

Yeah, that's a great question. You know, specific to our, you know, to the camp is, you know, it's a wilderness setting. And so when you think of your child going to a wilderness setting, it's often confused with like a military camp or a juvenile delinquent camp or a scared straight type program. And it does seem like an extreme measure. Our goal, like you said, is we want to provide a safe, nurturing, family-like setting where a boy can overcome the hard things that life has dealt him. And it's not about survival, it's not about seeing who can be the toughest, it's about helping each other. And so, you know, if if you were a family looking at the option of camp, that's what I would want you to know is that we want to be compassionate, we want to be caring. But if you're just looking for a residential treatment and you're going, okay, what what fits us? I think you have to find something that that creates that same feeling for you as a family. That I tell families that, you know, you're not going to know everything about us, but you need to have a sense of peace that you're doing the right thing. And so whatever program you choose, rest in that, that you feel like you can connect with the staff, there's a sense of compassion. And also that what your child is being taught there, those principles have to be able to be transferred to your home setting. Otherwise, it's it's not going to work because what he's what he's learning over here, you have to take those principles and transfer them home. And so I think that's important for staff as well to know that what I'm what we're doing here, what we're trying to teach these children, a parent has to be able to, maybe the the application is slightly different, but the principal has to be a life principle. Or that child can perform in the program, but isn't going to be able to transfer the skills.

Tracy Whitney 11:48

Right, right. So that sounds like to me this is a good partnership then. You're looking for a program, whether it's a wilderness camp like yours or another residential program. You want a program that's going to be a really good partnership between home and the program, where communication between both sides is open and clear and transparent so that parents are learning at the same time that the kids are learning.

Daniel Hochstetler 12:15

I think that's one of the biggest keys is the partnership. We talk about that a lot in our program, that you know, we're we're looking to build a team. And it's really easy sometimes, I think, from the treatment side to go, okay, where's the problem? You know, and it's easy sometimes. I think parents then can sometimes feel like, well, we're the problem, you know, somehow we failed or we haven't done this, or we, you know, we should be better at this and shouldn't need, you know, this extra treatment care. But I think for a parent then to not be defensive. Um, but I think for the program and for the parents to be transparent and to be open and to know we're on the same team. So, you know, when a when we have a new family that's that's doing their pre-placement visit, that's we say our goal today is to see can we build a team that's going to work together, right? And and again, wherever you're going, that has to be foundational, that you you can build a sense of trust that we're working towards the same goal.

Tracy Whitney 13:19

I will add, when the children get older into the teen years, that team mentality may be a little bit harder to cultivate and kind of curry favor between because of the HIPAA laws and things like that that come into play right around 15, 16, 17. Every state kind of handles it a little bit differently. So parents should be aware of that and should feel free to question the camp or the program directors about the specifics of their child's age when they're looking at programs.

Daniel Hochstetler 13:50

Yeah, that's right.

Tracy Whitney 13:54

Listeners, I want to just take a quick break to tell you about our library of 15 free courses. Thanks to our partnership with the Jockey Bean Family Foundation. We have 15 free online courses that will do all of the things that we're talking about today in this conversation with Daniel Ho Settler. It's full of tools for talking with your kids, for managing meltdowns and rages, for learning how your attachment style impacts the way you parent your child, all of the things that will help you strengthen your family if you are in the season of considering residential care or welcoming a child home from residential care. So I hope you'll go check it out at bit.ly slash JBF support. That's B-IT dot L Y slash JBF support.

What are some signs that a family may need to start thinking about a higher level of care?

Tracy Whitney 14:49

Many families, when they are trying to figure out, like, should I be considering a residential treatment program, should I be considering, you know, out-of-home placement, they kind of feel stuck. Some of it is that defensiveness that you talked about. And so we have to do the internal work as parents to recognize where that defensiveness might be coming from and how it's serving or not serving the crisis or the situation in front of us. But what are some of the signs that we should be looking for when we are wondering should we be considering a higher level of care like residential treatment? What are some of the signs in our family dynamics?

Daniel Hochstetler 15:30

Well, I think safety is often, you know, safety is a big thing, right? And sometimes things have escalated to a point where it's just, it's not safe. Um, it's not safe for the child, it's not safe for the rest of the family. And so obviously that is a, you know, that's a big sign. But I think also when it just feels stuck, like you said. Like, you know, we've been trying, but we're not really, we're not, we're not moving forward anymore. Children often feel stuck too, right? Children don't verbalize it the way us families do or parents do. But that child most likely feels really stuck. Like, and often, you know, when a parent calls us here, they're gonna, they're gonna tell us like, this is all, these are all the things that are happening, these are the problems, and this is everything that's kind of wrong with my child. But often they can't help themselves. They go, but he's a really good kid.

Tracy Whitney 16:21

Right.

Daniel Hochstetler 16:21

But you know, his heart is really good, right? And so if you're still at that point, then there's a lot of hope because it's like, yeah, it's hard, and it is, you know, it it feels like we're at a really awful place, right? But you still have a sense, a little flicker of hope that we can work with where we can go, okay, we do want it to be better. And I think, yeah, the safety part, um, when it starts to spill over, like for some children, it's like home is kind of their safe place and they let everything out at home, but they're doing okay at school, or they might be doing it home, or they might be doing okay at church or whatever other community parts that you have. But when it just feels like you're at an impasse. When you've tried the things like therapy, where you're going say once a week or every other week, um, you've tried the other in-home support, I think the part that residential is designed for is it is a lot more intensive, right? Uh, like we tell families, we have the time to do the things that you don't have the time for because you have to go to work, right? This is our work.

Tracy Whitney 17:25

Yeah.

Daniel Hochstetler 17:25

And so when you get to a point where it's like, we don't, I I have to quit my job, or I my other children, I can't meet the needs of my other children, then I think you're at a spot where you need to go, what else is out there that we could use?

Who should be part of making this decision? How can adoptive parents make sure they’re not making it in isolation?

Tracy Whitney 17:42

So who should be part of making this decision on a child's team?

Daniel Hochstetler 17:47

That's a that's a good question. Again, who are the main players that have been a part of it? Like if there's a therapist, like who has connection with the child that knows the child really well, but also knows you as a family really well, right? Look to see who are the voices that have been a part, a positive part of your family, because there are going to be critics who say, What? You're gonna send your child to a residential program. Um but the the folks that know you well, that know your child well, that can speak positive into it, that can help kind of reframe it for your child or even for you, because it's a roller coaster of emotions, thinking of like, okay, it is this bad, no, it's actually going better. I don't think we need this after all. But someone that can be consistent through that, kind of an outside perspective. So I always look for, you know, if you're a person of faith, then you know, your pastor, your small group leader at church, guidance counselors at school, teachers, you know, maybe there's a teacher who has a really good connection with your child and that your child has a sense of trust with. Maybe that teacher could give you some helpful insight. So look for the people that can support you because you're gonna need those same people when your child comes back home. And so again, I think it's really, really important to partner with those people because you're gonna need them after care as well.

Tracy Whitney 19:13

And honestly, you're gonna need them while the child is away. That's right. It can be very lonely and isolating and scary for parents to not have everyday contact and everyday input or intervention in their child's lives. And so you need someone who's gonna walk faithfully with you through the time that they're away to help you heal and reset so that you can be ready to welcome your child home.

Daniel Hochstetler 19:39

That's that's 100% right. That's well said.

When a family finds it necessary to move forward to placement in residential care, how can they talk with their child about residential treatment in a way that keeps the relationship intact?

Tracy Whitney 19:42

So when a family does find it necessary to move forward with a placement in a residential program, how do they talk to that child about that plan, assuming that maybe the child has been involved in the plan along the way, how do they talk with their children about that final plan and how to move that forward while keeping their relationship intact?

Daniel Hochstetler 20:05

Yeah, that's a delicate space. Um, but I think it's all in how it's presented. Saying things like, what we're doing isn't working very well. Uh, we all need help. And so if you can make it more than just you're not listening and you're not doing what you need to do, but to reframe that and go, well, we all need help. Here's an opportunity for all of us to get better. And and I think the other part is if you haven't been engaged in setting healthy boundaries and limits for your child, then they're not going to take you serious when you say, we we need residential help to become healthy as a family. But again, I think if the program that you're looking for, if you can frame that as an opportunity and if you can look at it as an opportunity, not as, you know, we failed or you're doing a terrible job as a child, but here's an opportunity for all of us to get better. And so I think that is really, really important for a child. And, you know, no child wants to leave home and go, they might say that and they might live like they don't want to, right? But deep down, they don't want to go to a residential treatment any more than what you as a parent want to have to enroll them in a residential treatment. But I think for that child to know that you are the parent, you are responsible again for the safety of yourself, your children, the rest of your family, if there's other children in your family. And so that's a responsibility you have to take seriously. And so because things aren't working, we're willing to do this because we want things to work.

Tracy Whitney 21:45

Yeah. So starting the conversation by saying something like we love you and we notice that you're not really thriving right now. And we know we're not thriving right now, and we'd like to find some additional help that will help us all heal. Us all learn how to thrive. Because I think we sometimes forget that thriving is a learned skill in many, many of our kids' experiences. They don't just naturally bloom.

Daniel Hochstetler 22:13

That's right.

Tracy Whitney 22:14

And we have to figure out what supports we need to put around us as a family so that everyone in the family can thrive and bloom.

Daniel Hochstetler 22:22

Yes.

Tracy Whitney 22:23

And approaching it that way with our kids can help the conversation.

Daniel Hochstetler 22:26

Yeah. And I think this might be a little bit of a bunny trail, but you know, it's it's like, you know, when we talk about grief or even trauma, right? We say, well, we gotta, we want to help you get through this. And we don't ever really get through that, right? And you know that really well. But I think for, like you said, to go, we want to thrive. And thriving means, you know, some of these issues that these children are trying to process, they're gonna be still, they're gonna be triggers and things that they're gonna have to process at 40 years old because it is who they are. And so I think helping your children realize that we're not trying to change you. We're trying to help you learn skills so that you can thrive, not just here today in our home, but as an adult, in your own home, in your own family.

Tracy Whitney 23:17

Yeah.

What reactions should parents expect, and how can they respond in ways that don’t escalate their child’s fear or shame?

Tracy Whitney 23:18

And we all know that no matter how well we frame it and how gentle and compassionate we start the conversation, our kids are going to have a reaction to the conversation. What are some of the things that you commonly see as reactions from the kids before they're coming to your facility?

Daniel Hochstetler 23:36

Yeah. I mean, again, the first reaction to most boys is, I'm not gonna go there. Um, or, you know, you can't make me do that, or oh, you just want to get rid of me, right? So you kind of think fine, I don't need that. That's right, right. Yeah. Um, or fine, I'll leave, you know, because you don't want me in the family, right? But I think if you can kind of be prepared for that and then just stay consistent. And and you're gonna have to have the conversation more than once, right? And just continue to talk and allow that child, like typically by the time as a parent that you're ready to have the conversation with your child, think about the amount of time that you have processed getting to that spot, right? You have to allow your child that same time to kind of process and go, okay, mom and dad are right. I do probably, as much as I don't want this, I am willing. So I I think, you know, it's easy to kind of go, no, this is what you're gonna do, and kind of forget that as an adult, you've had months sometimes to kind of get yourself ready for that uh and still not feel like you're ready, your child's gonna feel the same way.

Tracy Whitney 24:47

Yeah. And you've probably at that point given yourself not just the months to process it, but the permission to feel all the feelings. Yes, yeah, the grief, the shame, the defensiveness, all those things. And our kids, part of what landed us all in this space is that our kids process all of those things imperfectly and sometimes in ways that we just cannot handle. But if we can, again, like you said, come to the conversation with the recognition that we've had lots of time to process this, but now we need to let our kids process this.

Daniel Hochstetler 25:20

That's right.

Tracy Whitney 25:21

And when our kid is, you know, reacting with rage, summoning all of your coping skills and all of your self-regulation skills so that you can lend them your calm at some point. They won't maybe necessarily borrow your calm right away, but at some point just continuing to work together and just de-escalating, you know, language about fear or about shame or any of those things, de-escalating those conversations so that they can acknowledge that it's okay to feel defensive or fearful or ashamed or embarrassed or angry, any of those feelings and just kind of being the calm. And I understand, I say that so compassionately because I understand that by the time parents get to this point where they have to say to their kids, I think we're gonna be enrolling, you know, your brother or you in a residential program. I just want to be so compassionate when I say we understand how hard regulating yourself in those conversations can be.

Daniel Hochstetler 26:25

That's right. At that point, calm sounds like a foreign language.

Tracy Whitney 26:29

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Daniel Hochstetler 26:31

I think another point to that too would be uh it may be helpful to again involve the voices that have been a part of your life, right? So if it's a therapist or a school teacher or a pastor or all of those people that we mentioned earlier, allow them to, you know, it may be helpful to have some of them present when you do the first initial conversation. Or it may be, you know, if it if it goes into a rage where you can say, hey, but let's go and talk to this person or let's get their perspective. And and you know, again, they can be that voice of reason that your child may listen to.

Tracy Whitney 27:08

Yeah. I do know many families that have chosen to have that conversation in the therapist office. Yes. Um, for safety reasons. Um, many of them have chosen it for that reason, but also for help with the language.

Daniel Hochstetler 27:21

That's right. That's right.

Tracy Whitney 27:22

Because when you feel your own emotions rising, because I mean, let's be honest, when a when a parent is at that point, it's probably still very emotional, even though they've processed, they're still very emotional about the topic.

Daniel Hochstetler 27:34

Yes.

Tracy Whitney 27:36

So let's um let's kind of move to now the child is in placement in a residential program like yours or the many other types that are out there.

How can families stay connected while their child is in care?

Tracy Whitney 27:47

How do families stay connected with the child? I know that connection with the team happens through emails and phone calls and things like that, but how do they stay connected with the child to start to rebuild and preserve that relationship?

Daniel Hochstetler 28:01

Yes. Well, I think, I think, first of all, do all the things that are required. Show up for every meeting, show up for every phone call, you know, write letters or whatever is designed into that program. Do all of those. Uh, because while it may seem really little and unimportant, because you're still working your job and you're still a parent and you're still living life, right? And it's easy to go, oh yeah, I forgot to send a card or I forgot this, or you know, but that matters to that child when he's away from home. And so, first of all, do all the things that are required and then do whatever extra things that you're allowed to do and that you can do, right? And and that doesn't need to be extravagant, right? But if you're allowed to write a letter or you're allowed to make multiple phone calls a week, if you can, you know, don't just make the one that you need to make every week, but if sometimes make the second one. But I and then I also think take active steps to make the changes that you talked about in the beginning with your child, right? Because, you know, for us here at camp, that you know, boys are gonna go home every six weeks for a home visit. And so it's an extended weekend where they're gonna go home to re-engage with their family, to practice the skills that they've learned. And so for a boy to go home and go, oh, mom and dad have made some changes. They, you know, maybe they've set a few different expectations. And sometimes, you know, as a child that you go, oh, well, now I have more rules, right? But they still can see that you're making attempts because that you're planning for them to come back home, right? I think the child has to feel like you're still engaged enough that you actually want them to come back home. So I think the worst thing that you could do is to just kind of go on with life as normal because it's not gonna be normal. It's gonna be different. Your child's gonna be different when their child comes home. Your home needs to feel different to that child. And it and I think that can give your child a sense of hope that, you know what, there's there's purpose to me working on these things because I can tell my parents want me to come back home because if they didn't, they would just pretend like I wasn't there.

Tracy Whitney 30:29

Yeah, yeah. I'm not the only one doing the hard work here.

Daniel Hochstetler 30:31

That's right. That's right.

Tracy Whitney 30:32

My dad are doing it too. Yeah.

Daniel Hochstetler 30:34

That's right, yes.

Tracy Whitney 30:35

Yeah. And that again, that speaks such hope to the to the child. But I think it also speaks to the child about the human capacity to change and grow.

Daniel Hochstetler 30:45

That's correct. Yeah.

Tracy Whitney 30:46

And I think a lot of times our kids think, oh, mom and dad are kind of static. They're done. And if that's the message that our kids are getting about us, then we've got some work to do because we always have room to grow. We always have room to heal, and we always have room to change based on the healing that we've experienced as adults. And so we we need to message that to our kids.

Daniel Hochstetler 31:07

That's right. Yeah, that's that's one of the best things we can model to them.

Tracy Whitney 31:11

Yeah.

What helps parents partner well with the treatment team?

Tracy Whitney 31:12

So, what are some of the things, like real practical things you mentioned that most programs have built into them that are going to facilitate that communication and make us be an active part of the child's team?

Daniel Hochstetler 31:26

Yeah, that's a good question. Um, I think a lot of that is going to be like at camp, it's the home visit, right? So again, if you can, you don't have to take off of work the entire visit, but you have to be present enough that that child feels important for that weekend.

Tracy Whitney 31:43

Right.

Daniel Hochstetler 31:43

So I think that's probably the biggest key is help your child feel like even though they're in treatment, in a residential treatment, that you haven't just forgotten or just kind of gone on. I think that's important. I think all of the other, you know, like the visits, the the calls, be engaged, be be present with those.

Tracy Whitney 32:08

Yeah. So you

How can parents prepare for the child’s transition home?

Tracy Whitney 32:10

mentioned coming home and coming home for the short visits, but also then the long-term goal is for the child to reintegrate back into their home life. It's a really important goal for parents and kids to work towards, but it is not a reset button. And you had said that kind of at the beginning that it's not just an automatic reset button. It can be transitions we know can be really hard on kids who've experienced trauma, neglect, prenatal substance exposure. So, what are some things that we can practice in advance of our children coming home to help prepare them for the transition and kind of guide them through how to transition back home?

Daniel Hochstetler 32:51

Well, I think, first of all, understanding that the transition home is probably as scary for the child as it is for you as a parent, right? And sometimes as a parent, that's a little hard to believe because it is, it has been really scary, right? Like if it's if you've been scared of harm and and your own safety, to think of your child coming back home is really scary. But I think uh preparing for that, again, communicate with your child what the expectations are gonna be. So, you know, simple things like, you know, we're gonna have bedtime at this time, or this is what your phone use is gonna look like, or this is what your, you know, your tablet time is gonna look like, and all those. So that way, regardless of what it was prior to your child going to residential treatment, sit down and just go, okay, here's here's what those expectations are gonna be. Here's the things that we feel like we've learned, here's some skills that we want to incorporate. And, you know, at CEO, we talk a lot about problem solving, we talk a lot about structure and routine, and uh we we try to plan ahead, right? And help that child know what's coming up and help that child be a part of those types of things. So the more you can incorporate and practice some of those things, like if you have visits where the child can come home for a weekend or has some extended time, practice those things. Even if it feels a bit clunky sometimes, it's okay. Because when you live normal everyday life like that, you want to be able to kind of go, we've practiced this, we've talked about this. At least practice might feel a little funny to your child, but at least to be able to say, hey, we've talked about this. Remember, we, you know, because when that incident comes up and that child responds in anger or goes, that's stupid, you know, why are you making me do this? You can go, you know what, this is the stuff that we were talking about back at that visit or you know, in that session, or whatever, so that you have some framework to come back to. I think too, it believing in the change that your child has made, that's that's so hard. Um, that blocked compassion and that, you know, you've been hurt so many times. I think the worst thing we can do as a parent is to go, nothing's changed.

Tracy Whitney 35:16

Yeah.

Daniel Hochstetler 35:17

And so, you know, I tell parents, never say that. You might think that, but never say that to your child because until you can't anymore, you have to believe that you're you have to believe in the changes that he's making.

Tracy Whitney 35:30

Some of those conversations need to start before the child leaves the program.

Daniel Hochstetler 35:35

Yes.

Tracy Whitney 35:35

Um, that would be typically in like a family therapy session.

Daniel Hochstetler 35:39

Yes. A lot of that would be in the, you know, for us, it's a lot of the home visits. But if you don't have a home visit where your child is coming home like that, then it would be like in the in the therapy sessions, like the family sessions, where again, that's that's a safe place to talk about those things, right? That gives that gives you the opportunity to give voice to what you want home to be like in a setting where if that child reacts in a negative kind of way, you have safety and support around you. But then, you know, if you can continue to have those conversations and even just write some of them down, set some goals, set goals as a family of like, you know, in the past, here's how we dealt with these things. In the future, here's our goal. We want to, you know, when difficult conversations come up or when there's an outburst, this is what we want to try to do. And I think again, helping your child know that you you understand that not everything is gonna be a hundred your child isn't coming home perfect, right? And so for your right, so I think just acknowledge are they coming home to perfect parents. That's right. So I think acknowledging the fact that we're all gonna make some mistakes, just like we did three months ago or six months ago, what you know, however long that your child has been away, uh, we're gonna make some of those same mistakes, some of those same tendencies and habits are still gonna be there. We just have different tools now, we have different skills. And so this is what we want to set as a new normal. So let's be patient with each other. You're gonna have to be patient with me as dad, and I want to be really patient with you, but we're not gonna allow things to go back to an unsafe. I think also kind of setting the boundaries of saying, you know, this is what was not working prior to placement, we're not gonna compromise that. Like we're not gonna compromise our safety. Uh, we're not gonna compromise these. But these are the things that are kind of the the non-negotiables.

Tracy Whitney 37:46

Okay.

Daniel Hochstetler 37:46

Uh again, setting those in a way that isn't just like, well, if I break those, then I'm gonna get sh I'm gonna get sent away, correct? Right. But setting them as like these are the foundational core things of our family that you you need to you need to live by. But then, yeah, acknowledge the fact that we all are gonna have to work hard to create a new normal.

Tracy Whitney 38:08

Right. That's

– What should parents look for in a residential program?

Tracy Whitney 38:10

great. So when parents are looking for programs, I'm hearing you say, number one, look for a program that defines what communication between home and family is going to be like.

Daniel Hochstetler 38:21

Yes.

Tracy Whitney 38:21

Um, look for a program that can define what the transition process before discharge is going to be like. And look for a program that will answer those questions and support you at both the entry and the exit of the program.

Daniel Hochstetler 38:38

That's right. Yes. And I think a program that that you can have a sense of trust with.

Tracy Whitney 38:46

Yep.

Daniel Hochstetler 38:46

That you feel peace about. I think support and partnership are really good words with that. Like a program that's going to support your vision for your family. Right. And that what your what your child is going to be focusing on and learning to change, that you can incorporate that back into your home.

Tracy Whitney 39:09

Right. So, what as we're getting

What supports should already be in place before a child comes home?

Tracy Whitney 39:12

ready to bring our child home after navigating the time that they're away, what are some of the supports that we parents can be putting in place to welcome that child home and support us while we're welcoming them home?

Daniel Hochstetler 39:27

Well, I would go back again to who's your team at home? Who's your team in your community, right? And if it's possible or practical with the program that you're working with, you know, like for us, as we get closer to graduation from camp on a home visit, we would encourage that family to take your son and set up a meeting at the school that he's going to go back to, right? That way, prior to him coming home for good, he's had a chance to go walk the halls of the school, to meet the school teachers, the guidance counselors, those kinds of people. You know, if it's uh a therapist that you've been using prior to treatment, um, set up a time where you can go visit with that therapist. Or, you know, if it's not a physical one, maybe you can do a video meeting with them. But start setting up the the pieces that you're gonna need for support. And then also look for, like again, for us, we're a wilderness program, right? So we're doing lots of outdoor educate educational things. We're doing experiential learning. So uh organizations like Boy Scouts or Trail Life, you know, some of those kinds of things, like what are there, what are positive ways for that child to use the things that he's learned, not just the therapy parts, but the actual skills maybe that he's learned in treatment, that he has a way to use them back home. That way he doesn't just go, well, that was kind of cool, but I'm never gonna right. So if you can find some groups like that that kind of tie back in with the experience that that your child has had, I think that can be really helpful.

Tracy Whitney 41:11

And and not to forget what new passions or interests they may have picked up in the different programs offered at residential care, because you know, some kids coming to your program may have never had any interest in outdoor life at all.

Daniel Hochstetler 41:25

That's right.

Tracy Whitney 41:26

And so they come home with this new passion for bugs or trees or whatever. But there's other programs offered at other residential programs meant to help kids find coping skills and de-stressing skills through art and music and things like that. So they may come home with some new interests, and then it's on us as the parents to say, hey, you know, what else did you learn? What, you know, what else can we get involved in? And then consider doing it with them.

Daniel Hochstetler 41:56

That's right. You need to suddenly have a passion for art or whatever.

Tracy Whitney 42:01

Yeah, don't just drop them off at Cub Scouts. Consider going with them to Cub Scouts. That's right. Take an art class together or something like that.

Daniel Hochstetler 42:08

Yes, yes.

Tracy Whitney 42:09

Um

What are some simple ways to rebuild a connection without overwhelming the child?

Tracy Whitney 42:10

when the child comes home, it just there's a lot of newness underneath all that familiarity. There's still some newness and change and differences. Um, what are some simple ways that we can work as parents to rebuild a connection without overwhelming the child with all of the new and different? Because we've already talked about boundaries, we've already talked about routines and some of the things that we need to have in place when the child comes home. But that connection between us really needs to kind of come to the to the forefront.

Daniel Hochstetler 42:43

Yeah, that that's that's an excellent thought process. So if you kind of, you know, for a lot of our families that we're talking about, they're going to be adoptive families, right? And so you think about the attachment that you first built when you're when you first adopted your child. It it's not a new attachment, but in some sense, it is a new attachment, and you need to treat it that way, right? So don't plan a trip to Disneyland. Um, don't plan a big kind of welcome home kind of party. You can have, you know, you can do small celebrations and you can, you know, have your support people, your extended family, and some of that. But your child's also gonna be a little self-conscious sometimes coming back home, right? And so if you do this really huge neighborhood party, you might be putting your child in a in a situation where he or she's going, I feel really kind of self-conscious about myself. And it probably isn't gonna, it might feel good to you, but it won't feel good to them. But plan some fun things. Do some fun things that you can do together that are simple. Maybe the whole family can go do it, um, do some one on one things. But I think the biggest thing is just to be intentional. I think also like acknowledging with your child that. We're going to try some things and we may change some things, right? Like we may start out like this for this first week, but let's talk about it at the end of the week. And if it's not working, we're gonna we're gonna adjust it a little bit.

Tracy Whitney 44:13

Yeah.

Daniel Hochstetler 44:14

That way that child's kind of prepared for that and knows that the same way that you're trying to figure it out, we're trying to figure it out too.

Tracy Whitney 44:22

Yeah, yeah. So predictability, routine, structure, consistency, intentionality, face-to-face activities if your child is comfortable with face-to-face, side by side, if they're kind of getting to those teen years, side-by-side activities are good. Anything that will put you guys in proximity with each other, being present with each other, it doesn't have to be a big agenda. It can just be presence together, sitting on the couch together, watching your favorite old movie. You know, things that you know aren't going to be triggering, but are maybe going to be comforting instead.

Daniel Hochstetler 44:56

That's right. And I think too, like if you kind of think through what the routines were at the facility that they were at or the program that they were in, if you can incorporate some of those same uh familiar times, you know, it might be that breakfast was always at a certain time or bedtime, or maybe they had a little routine that they did before going to bed. If you can incorporate parts of those or similar experiences, that can kind of ease some of that transition.

Tracy Whitney 45:27

Yeah. And it's a good safety net for parents as well. That's correct.

Daniel Hochstetler 45:31

That's correct.

Tracy Whitney 45:32

Yes. One more interruption just to let you know that if you are raising a child with challenging behaviors, or you're struggling to understand what is driving those behaviors, or you're just looking for some new resources to help you handle and manage and improve your child's behaviors, we have a parenting workshop for families whose children have been impacted by prenatal substance exposure to drugs and alcohol. We want to say thank you to our very generous partners who allow us to offer it this year for free. It's a three-session workshop that, again, is free of charge through the rest of 2026. You can learn more about it at bitly slash prenatal-exposure-training. You can also stay up to date on all of the other trainings and new content that we're bringing you for managing challenging behaviors or understanding prenatal substance exposure, and so on, when you sign up for our free newsletter at creating afamily.org slash newsletter. You can pick the free downloadable guide that serves your family best when you go to subscribe to that at that link, and it'll help you strengthen your parenting skills, better understand your child, and give you practical tools to implement at home also. Hope you take advantage of either or both of those links. And for now, we'll get back to the interview. Thanks so much. So

When old behaviors resurface—and they often do—how should parents respond?

Tracy Whitney 47:07

when those old behaviors resurface, and they often do, especially in the early transition time, um, how do we respond?

Daniel Hochstetler 47:16

Well, like I said earlier, you know, our first response typically is like, oh no, we've wasted all this time. We thought this was going to change everything. Right, right. Um, believe in the skills that you've learned, believe in the changes that your child has made, believe in the relationships that you've built, right? And sometimes that means that you have to, I think the some of the follow-up care can be maintain as is appropriate, obviously. Maintain the relationships that you and your child built, say, with the staff at the residential facility, right? Like we will often, sometimes when that first incident comes up, uh, we'll invite them to come back out to camp and just sit back in, you know, the office here where they're familiar, where they have had some difficult conversations and just go, okay, take a deep breath. You're gonna be okay, right? Uh, I think for a parent, too, like have some safe places that you can just maybe they call you and say, I just have to vent, right? Because all of those fears and emotions and all that stuff that you thought maybe you had processed and worked through, right? All of a sudden is right there again. And you just need to barfit somebody other than your child.

Tracy Whitney 48:28

Yep, yep, exactly. Yeah. So,

What does progress actually look like in real life during this phase?

Tracy Whitney 48:32

what does progress actually look like in real life for kids who've gone to residential treatment and um are coming home? What does what should we expect progress to look like?

Daniel Hochstetler 48:43

Well, I I think progress should be that the child is aware of what the triggers are, what the the tripping points are, uh, the things that trip them up, and even just their kind of personality tendencies, but then along with that, have skills that they can overcome those with, right? And and I think going back to some of like we're not just trying to get through this trauma or fix the trauma, but understand that those trigger points may trigger you at 20 and 30 and 35, or when you have your first child, or all of that. So I think progress needs to look like an awareness, uh, a willingness to work on it, but knowing that you you've developed some bad habits too, right? And here's some ways that we have overcome those bad habits and the new tools that we have so that we can all remind ourselves and each other that, hey, wait a minute, take a deep breath. You've learned something different. We're not gonna, we're not gonna respond that way anymore. We're not gonna just react this way anymore. We're gonna talk about it or we're gonna do this. I think that to me is what progress looks like. And and I think when we have those, then you have confidence, right? Because that, because as a family, you want to be confident that I can draw a line with my child or I can engage with my child and we can get through it, right? Your child needs to have confidence that I might blow up, but I have the skills to know how to come back to mom and say, Hey mom, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. And to just practice some of those things.

Tracy Whitney 50:34

And then I think another marker of progress would be being able to trust each other. Yes. That you're both working on it and you're both.

Daniel Hochstetler 50:41

That's correct.

Tracy Whitney 50:42

Yes.

Daniel Hochstetler 50:43

And I I, you know, we tell children, you know, for for boys that have say develop bad habits of just physical aggression or you know, abusive language or harm, you know, threats and those types of things, you may still get angry, but you have to be safe. And so I think for that child to kind of uh say, here's my bottom line, like I'm gonna, I might get really mad, but I will never threaten my mother again.

Tracy Whitney 51:12

Right, right.

How can parents support siblings who may have been impacted by what’s happened?

Tracy Whitney 51:14

So we know that the experience of residential care affects everyone in the home. How can parents and caregivers support the siblings who are also living in the home and may have been impacted by some of the things that have happened?

Daniel Hochstetler 51:30

Well, I think again, you know, your other children, while they may not be the ones acting out, they may need some therapy, right? You may need to do therapy as a whole family. But I think acknowledging the feelings of your other children, the fears of your other children, it's okay for your other children to go, I haven't really missed my brother that much, or I haven't really missed my sister that much because it has been traumatic for them. That doesn't mean they don't love them. That doesn't mean that they don't want them to return home, but I think it's a way of them saying, I it this has been really hard, right? And I think, you know, if you're at a spot where you you have a child that's needing to go to residential treatment, you know that you have put probably the majority of your energy into that child for a bit, right? So while your child is in residential treatment, put that energy into some of your other children because they probably haven't gotten some of the energy that they need. And so it's also a way to kind of to rebalance some of that or to recalibrate some of that. And that's okay. It's okay, it's still okay for you as a family to go on a vacation while your other child is in residential because that might be what your other children need. And I think it's okay to speak to that with the child in in treatment to say, you know, you're you're gonna have some fun experiences there that as a family we're not gonna be a part of, but we're also not gonna feel guilty. We've had this planned, we're gonna do this, because that's a way of breathing life back into your other siblings.

Tracy Whitney 53:16

Yeah, that's so good. So therapy for the other kids, therapy as a family while the child is away, um, one-on-one time, memory-making time, fun, just open, clear space to communicate whatever's going on inside of them to help them recalibrate and reset, also.

Daniel Hochstetler 53:34

Yeah. Because the oftentimes the focus has been so much on what's hard.

Tracy Whitney 53:38

Yeah.

Daniel Hochstetler 53:39

That if you can create some fun shared experiences, you can kind of move forward.

Tracy Whitney 53:44

Yeah. And that sounds like a big task because parents are often exhausted by this point, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, just physically exhausted.

What does realistic, doable support look like for caregivers themselves?

Tracy Whitney 53:55

So while the child is away during treatment, what are some things parents can be doing for themselves?

Daniel Hochstetler 54:02

Well, sometimes it's simple, just like self-care. Like maybe you maybe you used to work out every morning or you used to love to read or go on a walk or something like that. Yeah, but you haven't been able to because you've put all of that energy into keeping your child safe and your family safe. It's okay to like take someone told me one time that we need to be fierce about our own healing.

Tracy Whitney 54:31

And I love that.

Daniel Hochstetler 54:33

Yes. And sometimes as a parent, because we love our children so much, we're so fierce about their healing that we forget to be fierce about our own healing.

Tracy Whitney 54:44

Yeah.

Daniel Hochstetler 54:44

And obviously, you can take that so far where you're like, well, I gotta do this because, you know, I got to take care of me. But there is a lot of truth to that. Yeah. And so give yourself permission to just take a nap or catch up on some of those things and then do some fun things that you just haven't been able to do. Do some fun things with your spouse that you haven't been able to do. Because the same thing that we just said about our other children is also true for ourselves and for our spouses.

Tracy Whitney 55:14

Yep. Yep. Self-care is one of my soapboxes. Yes, yes. And, you know, I define self-care so differently than maybe like pop culture defines it. Like to me, meal planning and you know, a grocery service or, you know, a house cleaning service if you can afford it, things like that, those are things that can be self-care. Whatever nourishes me to the point that I feel like I can then be fueled to do the hard work of parenting is to me self-care. So that is really, really good.

Daniel Hochstetler 55:48

Yes, I I I love the way you because it's not it self-care isn't always just going to the beach.

Tracy Whitney 55:54

Right.

Daniel Hochstetler 55:55

Right. Or going on this extravagant vacation. It might just be that I'm gonna hire someone to clean my house today, right? Or I've and yeah, yeah, you said it well. That's that's excellent.

Tracy Whitney 56:06

I mean, who doesn't love a spa day? But that's not always the most nourishing.

Daniel Hochstetler 56:10

That's right. That's right. Yes.

If a parent listening today feels like they’re nearing this decision, what’s one step they can take to feel more grounded and prepared for the experience?

Tracy Whitney 56:13

So as we're wrapping up here, if a parent is listening today and feels like they're kind of nearing this decision point, yes, we probably need to consider residential care. What's one step that you think they can take today that will help them feel more grounded or prepared for what's coming?

Daniel Hochstetler 56:32

Well, I think just understanding that asking for help and making a decision that looks extreme, that takes courage.

Tracy Whitney 56:41

Yeah.

Daniel Hochstetler 56:41

And I think do what you feel the most peace about that fits your family the best. And then be prepared for criticism. Right. There's going to be people that say, You're doing that? You know, why you know you're I've never seen your child act like that. But I think trust your heart, trust your intentions, and trust that you love your child. And I think again, like we said in the beginning, making a decision for residential treatment does not mean that you've failed as a parent. It means that you're brave enough and courageous enough to be willing to say what other resources are out there and who can help us get to where we want to be as a family. So I think just believing in that and believing in the fact that you're doing what you feel, what you and your family, you and your spouse, what you feel like is the best and what's needed the most. And while that looks hard and extreme, trust yourself and do it.

Tracy Whitney 57:46

Yeah. Well, Daniel Houstetler, thank you for your very compassionate and gentle way of approaching the topic and for explaining what parents can expect and what parents should consider. We appreciate your time. We appreciate your service to all the boys who've come through Fair Play Camp. And uh we wish you well in many years ahead of continuing to change lives.

Daniel Hochstetler 58:12

Yes, and likewise to you. Thank you for all the resources you provide for families and all the ways that you support them. And again, it was an honor to be invited.

Tracy Whitney 58:22

Oh, thank you so much.