Strengthening Foster Families

Foster families are doing significant work to support both the children in their homes and the parents of those kids. What do they need to thrive in this work? We talk with Cathleen Bearse, a licensed therapist, foster mom, and the creator of Fearless Fostering. She supports foster and adoptive parents with practical tools, emotional guidance, and trauma-informed strategies with her real-life experiences and clinical expertise.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Your organization is called ‘Fearless Fostering’ – what does that mean to you right now in the work that you do with foster families every day?
• What makes fostering profoundly worth it in your life and in your family, even when it’s hard?
• What are some unexpected joys in fostering that people don’t hear about enough?
• When things feel heavy, how do you recommend resource parents reconnect with their ‘why’?
• What are the challenges that catch foster parents off guard the most?
• Where do you see foster parents becoming depleted or overwhelmed?
• What is often misunderstood about the emotional weight of fostering?
• How does isolation show up in foster parenting?
• How can fostering strain a household without the right support?
• What patterns have you seen in marriages or partnerships under stress?
• How does chronic stress show up in foster parents’ mental and physical health?
  • What early warning signs should families not ignore?
• If you could give every foster parent four supports, what would they be?
  • Community
  • Therapeutic Space
  • Permission to Unschedule
• Permission to Focus on “Just You”
• What does realistic self-care actually look like for foster parents?
• Where should foster parents begin if they realize they need more support?
• How can they pursue continuing education without becoming overwhelmed?
• What would you say to someone who wants to foster but fears they aren’t strong enough?
• What is one message you want every foster parent to hear today?
• Finally, what would a strengthened foster family look like five years from now if we truly supported them well?

Resources:

• Self-care for Foster Parents
• What is Respite Care and How Do I Access It?
• What Foster Parents Want You to Know About Fostering

Transcript

Your organization is called ‘Fearless Fostering’ – what does that mean to you right now in the work that you do with foster families every day?

Tracy Whitney 0:01

Welcome to Creating a Family. Talk about adoption, foster care, and kinship care. May is National Foster Care Awareness Month, and I'm thrilled to bring you this interview with Kathleen Bierce that talks about what foster families experience and how we can come around them to strengthen and support the work that they're doing. Kathleen is a licensed therapist, foster mom, and creator of Fearless Fostering, where she supports foster and adoptive parents with practical tools, emotional guidance, and trauma-informed strategies. She blends her own real life experiences with her clinical expertise to help families feel steadier, more connected, and less alone. Welcome to Creating a Family, Kathleen. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so glad to have found you. Your organization is called Fearless Fostering. So, what does that mean to you right now as you're building that business and the work that you do with foster families every day?

Cathleen Bearse 0:56

I love this question because it's different than when I first started it. I first started sharing on Instagram under the name at Fearless underscore fostering in 2020, early 2020, before anything. We knew before we knew anything about the world that was going to happen in 2020. And I was already sharing online as a therapist prior to that. I was sharing resources for women, for mental health, for anxiety. And then our foster care journey, it was something I started sharing just bit by bit because I really believed that A, it was important for me to kind of process through what our family was experiencing. And B, a lot of women and especially women, were coming up in my DMs and saying, Can you share more about your foster care journey? We're thinking about foster care, or I am in foster care trenches right now and I don't have any mental health resources. What would you do in this situation? So that's when my, you know, I said like maybe I should shift this to just focus on foster families because it was so important to me, still is. So when I started, I was like, well, the name fearless fostering sounds really good, like alliteration. Who doesn't love that? And then I mean, I what's what it's what I wanted to embody was that we can do hard things and we can do them without fear. Um, and the more I was in the journey, and I the the name was just like, okay, fearless is how I want to show up and I can, but it's not something it's something that I have to work towards and for because so much of foster care feels uncertain, unknown. So it was kind of the both of like, this is how I want to embody my foster care journey. Um, and I believe it's possible, but I also know that realistically for most foster parents, including myself, this is maybe feels like a misnomer on a lot of days.

What makes fostering profoundly worth it in your life and in your family, even when it’s hard?

Tracy Whitney 2:32

I appreciate that honesty and that transparency. Um, what is it about your fostering work that makes it so profoundly worth it for you, for your family, and for even the work that you do in addition to fostering?

Cathleen Bearse 2:49

Yeah, I think, you know, for us, it was we heard the story of a 19-year-old woman who was speaking at this conference that had nothing to do with foster care, my husband and I. And she had disclosed that in two of the three foster homes she grew up in, she was sexually abused. And we just held each other's hands and kind of like both had tears in our eyes and didn't talk about it for the rest of the day. And we got home and he was like, What do you think about the conference? And I was like, I think we need to do foster care. And he was like, Yeah, me too. And like months later, we started the journey, started the classes. And I think that was it. That was it's our why is like we can be a safe home for kids that need it. And yeah, for goodness sake, like foster home should be the safe place, right? And so if you're hearing about stories, unfortunately, where sometimes that's not the case, it's even more like jarring of like, well, we have the safety, the love, the space to offer a kid or however many in need that we can open our hearts and home to. So that's was our why initially. And then through our foster care journey, like once we we knew we had said, like, we're gonna open our home to as many kids as need us through foster care, up to if two need permanency through adoption, we would adopt up to two because we had two biological kids already. And that was just what we felt like we could handle in our home at one time. And so when we closed our home, both of our, it just happened that the first two kiddos that came to us were full bio siblings that both needed permanency through adoption. So our foster care journey looked very different than we initially expected that it would, but we still wanted to hold that boundary. But when that close came, I was like, there's never gonna be a time in my life where I am, I don't want to be doing this work. I am so passionate about helping, coming alongside foster parents and the families and the kids who are in the system and navigating it, there's so much to unpack with that that I think the work's never gonna be done, the need's never gonna not be there. So I can never, like in good conscience, step away from it.

What are some unexpected joys in fostering that people don’t hear about enough?

Tracy Whitney 4:40

That's profound. I appreciate you sharing that. I think that so many foster parents who might be listening right now, or those who are interested in fostering who might be listening right now, can kind of find a lot of hope and a lot of, oh, I can do that too, in everything that you just shared. And I appreciate that as your why and and what kept you sticking to it. We would like to thank the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption for sponsoring this podcast. The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption believes that together we can ensure every child has a permanent loving family. Read stories of youth and families touched by adoption, including adoption from foster care, and access resources for parents, caregivers, and child welfare professionals at Dave ThomasFoundation.org. I would love to talk about the unexpected joys that your family experienced in the foster system and in the foster process because we don't often hear enough about the joys in this work that we do. As you said, it is hard work, it's heartbreaking and heart-heavy work. But I want to talk about some of the joys before we get into the challenges. What are some of the unexpected joys that you guys experienced?

Cathleen Bearse 6:05

I love that question so much because it's so important. There is so much heaviness to any hard thing that we step into, right? But there's so much joy to be found in foster care. And you're right, it doesn't get talked about enough, in my opinion. Um, our one of my biggest joys was seeing my older bio kids embrace the journey and with us. Like there were so many times where they were, my oldest was in third grade, and my second was in kindergarten at the time we opened our home to foster care and to my to our first placement, our son, who was um six months old at the time. And goodness, like the wisdom that came out of the kindergartner and the third grader in those moments, they're like, you know, we had court today, we're like, we're gonna we're always gonna tell you what we know in an age-appropriate way, but we just there's so much that we don't know, so we just have to all kind of hold that together. And I remember one day we came back from court and it was just, I think it had just been continued. Like it was just a, you know, we thought something was gonna happen or something was gonna move, and it just didn't. And it's just felt so like defeating, you know, you're just like, what in the world? We have to live in this uncertainty again for this maybe six more months or whatever. And my kindergartner looked at me and he was like, Mom, he was like, God loves him so much more than you do, and he's gonna be okay. And I was like, What okay? You are six. Like, how did you just say that to me? And that was a joy. And then even ongoing, I would say, like, they would ask questions sometimes, like, why can't like their mom take good care of them right now? So we would have those conversations. And for me, the joy was also in the in the difficulty of explaining, like, look, you're you're not coming against some of the most hard, difficult things in the world right now because of where we live, because you know, of choices that dad and I have made. But it's important that you know that they're there. It's important that you know we don't stay away from hard things, we step into them. That's what you want to do, and we want to teach that and model that from a young age. So that was also a huge joy. And then, of course, the joy of parenting these beautiful, beautiful gifts from God that you're just like, who knows how long you'll be here. But you, every day that I get to parent you is such a gift. And it really is. Like, even I, you know, I say I had a C section with my second son, and it was so difficult. I didn't, that wasn't my experience the first time giving birth. I was like, oh my word, right after it happened, I was like, I could never do this again. Like that was just so difficult. And I remember like changing my son's diaper on his first birthday, being like, I would do that 600 more times just to have you. And I'm like, that's how I feel about foster care. Like I really would do it 600 more times to have the kiddos in our home. And I know that's the experience of so many mamas that I talk to as well.

When things feel heavy, how do you recommend resource parents reconnect with their ‘why’?

Tracy Whitney 8:41

Yeah. Yeah, that really resonates. I think when we push ourselves to do the hard thing, even it's even when it's an unexpected hard thing, the joy we get on the back end of it is indescribable. Totally. So when things are feeling heavy and you're working with, you know, resource parents and foster parents, how do you help them reconnect to their why?

Cathleen Bearse 9:06

Yeah, that's the most important thing. And I kind of will just ask them that question off the bat. I'm like, okay, tell me why you first decided to do this. Something in you clicked. What is your story? And coming back to that is usually the most powerful thing that they can kind of get recharged by. But then I also say I try to remind them, I'm like, look, it's so easy to when we're fostering, make our whole identity about foster care. And that's just not, that is gonna burn us out and drain us so quickly because we were a person before we started fostering, even before we became a mom, if that was our story. So what is it about who you are as even as a child? What did you love to do? Can you, how can you in some small way reconnect to that? And I'll just ask them questions like, you know, what did you love to do when you were a kid? What did you want to be when you grew up when you were like nine? You know what I mean? Just kind of reconnecting to who you were. Because I think even just especially as women, we don't, we're just go, go, go, we're grinding through the day. And especially as foster parents, it's very typical to hear that. And I felt that way too. But just to remind ourselves that we're way more than that and we're gonna show up way better to the kiddos in our life and to everyone else if we are able to say, I need to get a, I need to reclaim a bit of myself back from this journey. That's not selfish. It's just how I can show up in a way that is not resentful, it's not bitter. There's so many things outside of my control, but what can I do? You know, if I wanted to, like my example is like I always ask people, and this is from a book called The Artist's Way, but it was a question was like, what other five lives would you live? If you could live any other lives. So I was like, okay, that's such a cool question. Mine would be like a Broadway singer, even though I can't sing at all. Um, you know, like I would want to be like a pioneer on the prairie or like a, you know, I don't know. I think I even said like a 1950s housewife because I don't know why. It doesn't just really appeal to me. It doesn't, but just whatever it is or oh, I wanted to be an author, like a YA author at some point. I'm like, okay, so what is that really saying about me? Okay, I really like creativity. I like creative arts, and I don't, where is that showing up in my life right now? Right. It's it's not. So how can I make a little bit of space? I don't have to ditch my career, I don't have to ditch my family. Yeah, you don't have to close your house to fostering. Exactly. You can do those things along the way.

What are the challenges that catch foster parents off guard the most?

Tracy Whitney 11:15

Yeah. Those small, healthy habits that you insert into the day can help you reconnect with your why, but also reconnect with yourself. I love that. I love that. What challenges are you observing that will catch a foster parent kind of off guard the most? Things that they just really did not expect to be a challenge when they were fostering.

Cathleen Bearse 11:36

Yeah, there's a few. One, the main one is just how quickly a case can turn a different way. So I think this was something that I didn't expect. And it happened to us on with both our son and our daughter. It's like, okay, it's going, it's looking like it's towards that. The goal is concurrently reunification and adoption. So that they're still trying for reunification, but adoption's on the back burner. Then all of a sudden, swoop, like a relative out of state is like, nope, we're gonna go ahead and try for the kids or try or take that. You know what I mean? It's like, and you're like, okay, that's cool. They're biofamily. That's in essence a good thing. But you're like, it just the the swiftness with which it happens. Okay, so unexpected and so jarring for so many. You think this is gonna happen this way, even though you know it's uncertain, our brains love certainty, our brains love a story that is true, right? And so that's just how we're wired. And foster care just is like, nope, that's not an option. Like, you know, it'll it'll bring it confront you right away with how quickly things can change and how um how little control you do have. And another one is is that that's like when you show up to court, I mean, there were court dates where major decisions are being made about my kids' future, and I wasn't in the room, I was in the waiting room. Strangers were making the decisions, you know, a judge who had never met them, who didn't know us, who didn't know the bonds of our family or the needs, specific needs of our kids, and that just felt like, what is happening? You know, that can be super, super tough.

Tracy Whitney 12:57

So are those also the same areas in which you see foster parents becoming easily depleted or overwhelmed?

Cathleen Bearse 13:04

Yes. I think the twists and turns and the back and forth is the main one that's like, okay, for you know, we have uh a date for our TPR trial, or we have a date for when reunification's gonna happen, then all of a sudden they're literally asking you within a few weeks' notice, hey, sorry, that's not gonna happen anymore. Reunification's not gonna happen. Are you willing to adopt? We need to know right now. And it's like, what? Like we were preparing for this thing, and now all of a sudden you're like, hurry, make a decision about a life, right? Like that's just it's so heavy. It's just so heavy.

Tracy Whitney 13:37

And I would guess too that the the weight of making that decision on behalf of a child, especially a child, like if it goes that way from reunification, switching over quickly to adoption, a child that you were previously preparing for reunification, and now all of a sudden you have to prepare them for adoption.

Cathleen Bearse 13:59

Right, exactly. And depending on the age of the child, that looks very different. And maybe they knew that they were gonna reunify, or maybe they didn't, and what is that? I mean, just so many things. Right. Yeah.

Tracy Whitney 14:10

So related to that, what do kind of we on the outside maybe of fostering misunderstand about the emotional weight that foster parents carry?

Cathleen Bearse 14:21

That's like one of my favorite questions ever. And I think it's such it's such an important one because my main, my main answer to that and my main experience of that was the weight never goes away. That I think that like there's so many willing, kind, loving people that came around us in the beginning when we first got our son came to our door, and it's exciting to them. You know, there's a baby here, we obviously know the weight of it is like someone doesn't have their child right now, and that's terribly difficult and sad. But we hold all of that, and then they're like, you know, let me do a meal train for you. Let me, you know, how can I pray for you? What can I do? What can I bring you? And it's not like we need things, but just like even just people to understand that that emotional weight is something that we carry every single day. It doesn't go away, it doesn't stop being difficult once we're in a routine. Like it's difficult for sure in the beginning, you're recalibrating and finding your new normal. But I remember talking to my therapist during my foster care journey, and I was describing this very thing to him, and he said, it's kind of like a pebble in your shoe that you always are aware of. And I was like, that is such an apt description of what I feel. It's it's never something that I'm not thinking about. Forgive the double negative. You know, it's just it's always there. So I think it's an if people could understand that, not that we need you to keep giving us meals or keep doing things, but just to keep checking in on us, really. We won't turn it away. We won't turn it away. I love a meal train, I love coffee. Bring it over.

Tracy Whitney 15:43

Yeah, I mean, those are one of the very practical, tangible ways that we can help strengthen the foster families in our community. Truly. And forgetting that once the newness wears off, the everyday can sometimes be way harder than the newness.

How does isolation show up in foster parenting?

Cathleen Bearse 15:57

Because you're sitting in that unknown for those big gaps in between court dates and between case reviews. And I had a friend, a dear friend, who she well, my daughter started having a real difficult time going to visit. She was about a little over one, and it just wasn't like they were like taking her off of me screen. Like it just was horrible. And so I was like, this isn't good for her, it's not good for me, you know, it's not good for anyone. So I'm gonna start driving her to visits. It was like 45 minutes each way. Um, and the visit was like an hour. And my my good friend said to me, Would you like me to come with you on those visits? And we'll just sit at Starbucks and we'll do. And I was like, I would never have thought to ask for that. Right, right. It was amazing. It was amazing. And then my father-in-law said, 'I'll watch your son who's not going to visits, and I'll come to your house on one every Wednesday.' And I'm like, those are the tangible things where you're like, just to be in it with you, just to see, like, hey, how can I make this a little bit easier for you? And you might have to ask that question because the foster parent might not know exactly what they need. I never would have asked for someone to give every Wednesday to come sit with me in a Starbucks, but it saved my sanity on those days. Yeah.

Tracy Whitney 17:08

Which leads very well into the next question. Why and how does isolation show up so often in a foster parent's experience?

Cathleen Bearse 17:16

Yeah, I think there's so much that we can't share or we we won't want to share because it's our kids' story. We want to respect it. We want to respect that birth family, which is so good to do. But then there's just also that inevitable, you know, no one can know what it feels like unless they've lived it. And that feels isolating. Even if you have amazing support around you, which I was very, very blessed with. It felt like it felt like I needed other foster moms to talk to during it, to have community with other foster moms because I felt because I didn't want to talk about it either. I was like, sometimes I just want to go out and my kind, loving friends are like, hey girl, how's the foster care journey? I'm like, la. I'm like, I don't want to talk about that right now. I just want to be a normal person. I don't, I want to not be a foster mom right now. I just want to have fun and how am I relatable? Yes. And so it's just, it's hard. And they're trying to be a good friend, you know, they're not, they're like just trying to be supportive. And I'm like, I don't want to talk about that. So I think it's nice too when you also when you have foster parents that you can talk to where you're not having to explain everything because that can feel exhausting. The system is so wonky and weird, and there's so many things and even state to state, right? Like that it's it's different. So to just have a place where you just could show up and say, ugh, like visits got you know changed again to this day and this day, and I just can't anymore. And the people are not judging you, and they're like, I get it, girl, I understand. You know, that's just huge.

Tracy Whitney 18:40

Yeah. Listeners, I hope you heard that. That if you are doing this fostering journey or even an adoptive parent journey or a kinship journey, yeah, don't do it alone. Find your people, find people who can get what you're going through and can sit with you, whether you want to talk about it or not, and and meet you where you're at, and be that network or that support or that tapestry that we can fall into safely. Because just as much as the kids that we're caring for need safety, we need safety. So I hope all of our listeners caught that. Hey listeners, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I wanted to let you know that all of our prenatal substance exposure training workshops are free this year, thanks to the support of several generous grantors. We are in these workshops learning more about the symptoms and common behaviors associated with prenatal exposure to alcohol and drugs. And we also learn effective parenting strategies across all the ages and stages of childhood. When you go to bitly slash prenatal dash exposure-training, that's bit.ly slash prenatal dash exposure-training, you can register for one of the workshops that fits your time frame and your schedule. There's several coming up ahead and registration moves pretty quick. So if you see a timeline that you are interested in, sign up for it fast. And in line with keeping up with all of the latest news and information about when the workshops are scheduled or other events that creating a family is participating in, you should subscribe to our monthly newsletter. It's creating a family.org slash newsletter, and you can choose one of the free downloadable guides that's listed there as our thank you for subscribing. But it's a great way to keep up with everything new and exciting from creating a family and what we're doing to support and strengthen families like yours. Let's go back to our interview.

Cathleen Bearse 21:12

Yeah. It's really, I've seen it so many times. And honestly, even in my own marriage, like my husband and I, I feel like foster care made us so much stronger as a couple. And I just noticed it, it came to my attention so much how differently we process things. And so even though like we were going through the same situation exactly, he processes internally, I process externally. And my first thing was like, I am I'm getting a therapist. Like, I need a therapist for this. Like, this is gonna be, and he's like, Okay, go ahead and do you, you know, like that's not what I want to do. I'm just gonna keep it in. And he was so supportive to me, but I was the one always like word vomiting about how I was feeling. And he was just like, Oh, that's hard. And he would like, you know, leave me a supportive text or, you know, super, super, you know, holding space for everything I was feeling, but an agreeing me. Agreeing, like this is how I also feel, but not really. He just didn't, he just kept it in more. And I hear that so much, the dynamic, especially between um married couples, that it's like one is keeping it in, and the other one is the one that's like, I gotta get this out somewhere. And sometimes it's like, I want to get it out somewhere else. Like, you know, like you, I've said all the things to you, and I still need more, I still need to say more. So that's again where the community comes in. Yeah. I feel like too, like regular date nights for um couples is so hugely important. That was it something that was just like we have we have to have this because again, you don't want to just be a foster couple. You want to be a couple. Right. You were a couple before you started fostering. How do you find that again? How do you stay in that spot a little bit? Because otherwise, it's just so logistical. It's so like, this is all we're doing is like passing like ships in the night of trying to who's getting dinner, who's picking up the kids, who's taking to visit, who's are you coming to court? Did you take off work? You know, all of those things are important and need to happen, but to find time too. And I hate to even say find time because I know foster most of what I hear from foster families, what I also experienced was it's how do I find the time? I'm already stretched to my capacity. And so one thing I will say is like, it's not finding time, it's fighting for time. We all have to just, we if it's the dishes don't get done tonight, they don't get done so that I can talk to my husband on the couch for 20 minutes after the kids go to bed and we can connect that way. It's, you know what, I'm sending out the laundry, or I'm just this the week this week, or I'm gonna hire a cleaner once a month, or I'm just not gonna care as much, really. Like, I'm gonna let my standard, it's gonna be okay.

Tracy Whitney 23:28

Figuring out what you can strip away.

Cathleen Bearse 23:30

Yes, delegate, delete everything that you can. And don't, it's not the time. This is what I always say too. I'm like, the foster care is not the time to be the room mom or like the PTA president. It's just I know some people that fills your cup, but I would just challenge against that a little bit of like you're gonna be, you're gonna have so many other things tugging at you. I think it's a time when you can kind of, but I would just always say, like, play the foster care card. I'm like, I'm not available for that right now. Like I can't bring, I can bring paper plates, but I can't like plan the whole party kind of thing, you know, and just being aware of that and being okay with it.

What patterns have you seen in marriages or partnerships under stress?

Tracy Whitney 24:01

Yeah. One of the strains that I I see is the um outside pressures always pressing in. And if you haven't developed the skill for saying, no, I'm sorry, I'm not available right now, if you haven't developed the skill of I need help, and here's the help that I need, if you haven't developed the skill of just boiling your calendar down to the bare minimums, especially in those very early days when the placement has first happened, you're gonna be fighting so much harder than is really necessary for you to fight. It's one of the reasons that we recommend some form of or some version of cocooning when a family first accepts a placement or when a family first comes home with a newly adopted child. Like just shrinking your world and bringing it down to the bare bones of what's necessary. It's absolutely necessary the other kids keep going to school. It's absolutely necessary that you go to work, but if you can take some time off of work, it's not a bad time to do that. And it's absolutely necessary that you stay plugged into, say, your faith community or any other regularly connecting community that brings you life. Those are the bare necessities. And then the rest of it, you can kind of farm out for a little while if you have to, and give yourself that gift. Because in giving yourself that gift, you're also meeting the needs of the children while they're adjusting and settling. And our conversation today is primarily focused at supporting and strengthening foster parents, but the parents set the tone for how the whole family adjusts and settles in. So developing those skills, it's so important. Before you foster if you can. Totally. Yes. Please not trying it out for the first time when you yeah. So, what are some of the patterns that you've seen? Um, you already mentioned one where one tends to be like an internal processor and the other one is an external processor. What are some of the other patterns you've seen commonly in um marriages or long-term partnerships when they're under stress in a fostering situation?

Cathleen Bearse 26:21

Yeah, sometimes I I've I've walked couples through, you know, one parent is really like, yes, I'm here to be an adoptive resource for this child, and the other is not, or not fully on board, and that's so hard. Or another is like, I want to f I think we should stay open. I think we should another one's like, no, we should close our home at that capacity. So those are just really difficult. If you're anytime you're not seeing eye to eye on something huge like that with a spouse, and where your heart is so fully feeling one way, um, that can be super difficult. And your and your spouse or partner is feeling a different way. You both feel so like this is what I need. Um, and I just would, you know, encourage people who are maybe in that situation to talk it out with a therapist or have a third party that you trust, especially one if you, if if possible, who understands the nuance of foster care, to be able to really just process through what you're feeling because so many times there's something else underneath, right? There's some fear from your own childhood, there's some attachment wound that you're carrying that you don't even maybe aren't aware of, right? Or something from one or both of your past that you're just like, I, yeah, this is triggering that for me. And so just being able to have a neutral space and a neutral party to process that with is very important and good. And I also think as much as people are willing to, I know sometimes people like roll their eyes when I say journal, but I do think it's a really good way to process through outside of a therapist's office, just even a stream of consciousness. What am I feeling right now? It might start out as your grocery list, but set a timer for 20 or 15 minutes and just go and see where you land. And then do I feel comfortable sharing this with my spouse right away? Maybe not. Talk to a therapist then where can I share this? Because it's important for you both to be fully transparent with each other and on the same page.

Tracy Whitney 28:05

Yeah. Another pattern we commonly see here at creating a family, probably because we are an education-focused organization, is that one parent is much more keyed into the need for education and preparation and ongoing education than the other parent. It's pretty common to have one parent be the one carrying the weight of the educational excellence and the educational preparedness. Are there any other patterns that you see? No, that's a really good one, too. I'm trying to think if there's more. I'm sure there are more. It's a challenging one.

Cathleen Bearse 28:39

It is a challenging one. And even like just one person's carrying them the weight in general. I think that kind of happened. My husband kind of said that to me. He's like, I know that you're the one doing the visits every week. I know that you're the one, you know, doing the educational piece, you know, all that stuff. So it's one, it's easy because I wasn't working full-time and he was. So it was just easy to fall into that. So even just the validation of one partner to another, of like, I see all that you're doing, and I really appreciated that can go a long way.

How does chronic stress show up in foster parents’ mental and physical health? What early warning signs should families not ignore?

Tracy Whitney 29:06

That's really good. That's good. How are you seeing the impacts of chronic stress showing up in some of the foster parents that you work with?

Cathleen Bearse 29:15

Yeah, a lot of it is it can be a somatic type thing where they're feeling, you know, sick all the time, or they're feeling just like so lethargic and just not well in their bodies because we know the brain and the body are so connected. That's a big one that I see. Another one that I hear commonly and that I experience during my foster care journey, if I'm being honest, was like just like irritability and on edge, hyper-vigilant type, you know. I remember sometimes I would say to my husband, and this I see with other foster moms too, I'm like, I my chest hurts. I'm like, oh, like I feel like I'm like, oh, like, I don't know, man. I don't think I think I might not be okay. And he's like, You're stressed. And I was like, no, I feel okay. I don't feel stressed. I feel like I'm not having stressful thoughts. I feel great. And he's like, because it'd be like on vacation. He's like, no, you're stressed. Like, and it's like, I'm the therapist, you're not supposed to know this, but it was true. Like, I was like, you're right. I my body is holding this, and maybe on vacation is when my body felt safe enough to show that to me, right? Like it's gonna, it's maybe it doesn't have to be at the same time that you're experiencing a stressful, like court day or a stressful, you know, transition plan happening. It's just it's gonna show up when it shows up. I definitely see that a lot with other foster mamas, just where it how it presents in the body and just mentally the load of it all is what I mostly hear from them.

Tracy Whitney 30:30

Yeah. We might also see sleep disturbances, either way too much sleep or not enough sleep. In most instances, it's not enough sleep. Things that are, you know, anxious thoughts racing through your mind, and you just can't fall back to sleep, or falling asleep, but not being able to stay asleep. Those are some of the symptoms of chronic stress that we should be paying attention to. What are some of the early warning signs that you know this chronic stress is taking a toll and we need to pay attention and do something?

Cathleen Bearse 31:07

I think that's a great question. One of them definitely is like racing thoughts, or like you said, if you can fall asleep easily, but you're not able to stay asleep and your thoughts are, you know, kind of going a mile a minute. I always ask if I'm like, check in about your your 2 a.m. thoughts, or you're like, I say your 2 a.m. or your 20,000 feet thoughts. Those are the times you're like, your brain is not its best self. And so if you're having a lot of, you know, unless you're a really good flyer, I'm not. So for me, they're 20,000 feet thoughts. Just anytime you're like, okay, my thoughts are racing and they're a lot to do with foster care, or even just like what I have to do, the perpetual, like chronic busyness, I think is also another one trying to really fill your schedule and stay busy so that you're not thinking about it, you're not giving yourself time to process through. Um tendency to want to shut down or shut out if it happens a lot. Sometimes, again, you don't want to talk about foster care. But if you're really like socially isolating yourself, that's a huge sign. You're just like, I just want to be done. I want to get through my day, and then, like you said, go to bed and be done. Just get done, you know, get through the day. Um, if you're starting to feel that way a lot, those are some definite early warning signs.

If you could give every foster parent four supports, what would they be?

Tracy Whitney 32:12

Good. So let's shift a little bit to a conversation about the things that foster parents need the most. We've talked about some of the challenges that they face. Um, let's talk about what they need. If you could give every foster parent four basic supports, what would those four things be?

Cathleen Bearse 32:34

Oh, I love this question. Okay, one would definitely be community, like we talked about. First and foremost, I think I've never done anything in my life where I needed empathy. Like I craved it in a way that was foreign to me and new. So for sure, community that gets it. Um, then I would say, I would say therapeutic support, even if it's once a month, you know, check in with a therapist or a coach of some kind, yep, to be able to go into a room and say absolutely anything and not feel judged, not feel like you're a bad person. Cause I think that can be a setting that a lot of us default to. I would say permission to have one day of the month where you're you're not scheduled. There's nothing on the calendar. Just a day of you don't have to do like a face mask and a bubble bath and you know, meditate that day, but well, you can, but just whatever you whatever, just a day where you don't have something on the calendar, because that would be, I would look at the calendar sometimes and be like, like I my eyes are glazing over with all there's no space, there's no margin. So start with one day a month. If you could get more than that, amazing. Um, that would be a gift that I would want every foster parent to have. And then the last one is just like permission, like I said, to do something just for you. Just find something that you love and carve out a little bit of space for it. Carve out 20 minutes a week if you can, if you need to start with that. But just something that's just for you. It could be exercise, it could be creative, but just something that makes you feel like yourself again.

What does realistic self-care actually look like for foster parents?

Tracy Whitney 34:02

Yeah. Yeah. We've unpacked the whole concept of community pretty well, but let's talk a little bit about self-care. You alluded to the pampering and the spa and the things like that. But let's let's talk about a more realistic or kind of holistic view of self-care.

Cathleen Bearse 34:20

Yeah, I loved that so much. I self-care was actually my Instagram handle before I started the fearless fostering, was it like self-care bestie. I was like, we should talk about self-care because it's so important. It's so important for everyone, especially important for foster and adoptive parents and kinship caregivers. So, I mean, to me, it's a non-negotiable. It's just how a lot of people are like, yes, I agree, self-care is a good idea, but how do I find the time for it? Um, and for again, it's like fighting for the time for it. She's like, well, that might mean that I have to wake up half an hour early. But I think, you know, sleep is awesome and good. And like, don't deprive yourself of that. But think about what that 30 minutes would do for you for the rest of the day. Oftentimes I think we feel like this scarcity mindset of like, well, I'm not gonna have enough sleep then. Well, just try it out. You can always try something. And I always say, like, foster care journeys are you're constantly adjusting the sales. So what and what like self-care might look for you in the beginning of your foster care journey might dramatically shift over the course of it. And that's okay too. It doesn't have to be like this prescriptive thing. So one thing that I like, an exercise that I like to give people to do around self-care is like make a list of 20 things that you love. Just it could be like for mine, I'm like palm trees, hydrangeas, hot coffee, clean sheets on my bed. Like these are real examples from mine. But just don't filter yourself. Just quickly do 20 things that you love. They could be free, they could cost money, doesn't matter. And then do 20 things that you like to do. Just 20 things. So I'm like, for me, I'm like going to the movies, reading a book, taking a walk outside, listening to a sermon. Those are things on my list. So think of 20 things for each. And then look at those two lists and be like, okay, where could I? These are things that I obviously are meaningful to me. And think about like, when was the last time I did one of those or saw one of those? When was the last time I intentionally, and if it's been a really long time, how can I grab one or two of those this week? How can I grab one or two next week? And if you put it on the calendar too, I find that you you have something to look forward to. I in again in the book The Artist Way, the author talks about having an artist date where it's just like you take yourself out of the house away from people just by yourself for two hours a week. And then I was fostering when I started this, and I was like, there is no way I could do two hours a week out of the house by myself. And I was like, there is, if I'm willing to fight for it. And so I would just go to like a coffee shop by myself with a journal and have a coffee. And the fact that it was so restorative when I did it, I did all different things. I went to the botanical gardens one day. I did, it was just things I would never let myself have permission to do. I was finally letting myself have permission to do, and it was a game changer, not only in the moment or the day of or the day after, but the whole week looking forward to it, knowing that this is a hard moment. This court date's hard. Today's visit went sideways. And at the end of the week or on this day, I have two hours. I can just be a human again. And it's it's really a game changer.

How can they pursue continuing education without becoming overwhelmed?

Tracy Whitney 37:17

Yeah. Another way to incorporate the habit of self-care, if doing, you know, an hour or two hours once a week seems too much, a really accessible way is to have something really small every day that you look forward to. So for me, it's sitting down and crocheting. And so when I get up from my desk and I'm done work for the day, before I start dinner, or before if I've been really smart and started dinner earlier in the morning, which is a form of self-care for me, I can get up from my desk and go sit and crochet with some quiet music for even if it's just half an hour. And it just resets something inside of me. And I look forward to it every day. Some people, it's you know, a small piece of dark chocolate at the end of the day. Also a lovely treat for oneself. Yep. And it doesn't matter how small it is, the act of being able to look forward to it and then realize it is excellent self-care. And I love that it's modeling for our kids that we deserve to treat ourselves well. We deserve to take care of ourselves well because those are skills that when a child's growing up with impacts from trauma and neglect and abuse and chaos, that is not something that they experienced before they came to our homes. And so we have to sometimes really intentionally and tangibly teach them how to take care of themselves. And if we're not taking care of ourselves, they are not gonna catch the lesson that we're trying to verbally teach because we're not doing it. Totally. One final interruption, and that's to tell you that we have added several new courses to our free online library of parent training courses. Thanks to the Jockey Being Family Foundation. You can head over to bitly slash JBF Support. That's B I T dot L Y slash JBF Support to see the full list, and you can take one or all of them today or over the next couple weeks to strengthen and support your family. Thanks for listening, and we'll let you get back to the end of the interview. I think one of the important parts of self-care and sustaining oneself to go the distance in fostering is ongoing education. Of course, you're required to do educational experiences before you foster. And if you're part of the foster system, you are required to do continuing education. But education, in and of itself, for the sake of the child that's in your home, is so vital to keep yourself fresh, to keep yourself learning. What is something that a kind of stressed-out, overwhelmed foster parent can do to keep learning without feeling overwhelmed?

What would you say to someone who wants to foster but fears they aren’t strong enough?

Cathleen Bearse 40:33

I love any resource that is audio, like this podcast. It's so nice. And that was like feedback that I got early on too. It was like, can you do a podcast? Because it's like we have to be able to kind of fold laundry while we're doing the education, but we're able to, you know, do those things. So anything that's accessible on the go, I think, is super important. Or just while you're, you know, relaxing. I think anything, if you if you have a video resource, that's also, you know, amazing that you can, if you have the time and space and energy to put that on. But you're right, it's so important. And it really does make our lives easier as foster parents, the more that we know, right? We when we start fostering, there's so much that we don't know. And every case is so different anyway. So what what you what can you do to learn more about trauma? What can you do to learn more about, you know, all the things that that our kids have experienced, right? It helps us the more we know, the better we can show up for them. And then that in turn makes it easier for us because we're we're having more tools in our toolbox kind of thing. That's great.

Tracy Whitney 41:33

So, what would you say to someone on the other side of that who's not fostering yet and is looking into the fostering space, saying, I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I've got the chops for that. What would you say to them?

What is respite care?

Cathleen Bearse 41:47

I would say you're a normal human and I felt the same way. And most women that I've talked to who have done it felt the same way. That's normal to feel that way. It is a hard thing, and it's just so worth it. And I would just say this you know, you don't have to make a decision about foster care. Like it's not like one day all of a sudden you're like, we're gonna be foster parents. You just go one step at a time. You say, Oh, yeah, I'm gonna sign up for the initial class. It's usually like an open house, and they'll just teach you a little bit about what it might look like to even take the classes. Do you even have the time commitment to take the classes that are necessary to become a foster parent? And maybe along that journey you say, Oh, you know what? We could actually be a respite parent instead of a foster parent. You might have a different, you know, journey ahead of you, or you might start taking the classes and say, maybe we want to do this in another year or two, or you know, but I would just encourage people, you don't have to make the decision today. You can always keep changing your mind about it, really. Um, and keep thinking about just taking the next step and learning more. You can always back away, but I think being willing to lean in and learn more is the first step. And it's yeah, it's one that I think if more people were willing to do, we would have way less of a foster care problem in our country. Um, because I think more people would understand oh, this isn't just like angelic superhumans that are doing this. This is regular people that are just willing to say yes. And so I think that's a huge, a huge thing.

Tracy Whitney 43:10

You mentioned respite, and um, I would love to talk a little bit about what respite is. So for people who don't know, let's let's approach it from that standpoint first. What respite is, and then what does it look like when you're actually doing it? Like an what would an everyday respite experience look like for a family?

Cathleen Bearse 43:31

Yeah, so respite care is a great resource available to all foster parents. Usually it's up to two weeks and you don't have to use them all at once, but you have you know that for a year. At least that's how it was in Connecticut where I live. Um it could be different state to state or agency to agency, but you have this time where you're like, okay, our family or myself and my husband, we need to recalibrate. We need to break a little bit of a break. So it's like you respite carers are people who are licensed to foster. But so their homes have been checked out, they've had background checks, fingerprints, everything like that. And the state or agency has okayed them to care for children, just as a foster parent would, but it's just for a short-term time. So it's up to, it's like two days to um two weeks up to that time. So if you're, you know, sometimes families are going on vacation and a biofamily or a judge or whoever says, no, sorry, the child can't go with you. Ugh, what do I do? You know, okay, so respite is a good choice for that. And if you're a respite carer, you know, it could look you could say yes or no to any placement. You never have, you're not forced into anything. So you could say, I want to do respite care. I want to provide that short-term care and that break for foster families, um, which what really what you're doing is enabling the foster family to keep going and not burn out. So thank you to all the respite carers. Absolutely. Yep. You guys are awesome. And we need more of you. But there's always, you can always say, Oh my gosh, like our family is going on vacation in July. So July is gonna be too much for us to do respite. I can't do it then. And then in August, you can say yes again, whatever works for you. So the great thing about respite care is it's very flexible. You always can say yes or no, and it's a short, short time. So it works for a lot of people, and that's a good first foray into foster care for many people. They're like, I don't know if I could do a long-term placement, but I know I could handle four days or a long weekend or two weeks. So I'll try that. And then you can always say, Oh, yes, this is for me. I want to do more or no, I think we're good.

Tracy Whitney 45:25

Yeah. And it's really important to know that respite carers have been given the same level of training that foster parents have been given, so that they will be equipped to and prepared for what you might think as a foster parent are just big behaviors or, you know, challenging issues. They are prepared, they're trained, they've got the, you know, the rubber stamp from the agency that says they can do this. And so I think more foster parents should be willing and able to look for respite care and say, Yep, that's one of those places where you need to be willing to say, yes, I need some help. But more people should be willing to step into the respite care space and say, Yeah, I can do this for a long weekend. I can do this for two weeks every summer or, you know, once a weekend every month. Um, yeah, I love hearing about people jumping into respite care. And you're right, it can be a gateway to full-time fostering. It doesn't have to be, but it can be because you get that passion and you realize, oh, I can I can be a safe place for a kid. And it feels pretty dang good to be able to do that in our community.

Cathleen Bearse 46:33

Yes. And if you are listening to this and you want to support foster parent that you know that's currently fostering, ask them, would it be helpful if I became a respite parent or a respite resource for you? Because I guarantee you they will say yes.

What is one message you want every foster parent to hear today?

Tracy Whitney 46:44

Yes, and amen. Awesome, great plug. I'm so glad you thought to throw that in. That's a good one. So, what is one message that you want foster parents to hear from you today about strengthening themselves and finding that community that strengthens them?

Cathleen Bearse 47:03

Yeah, I would just say check in with yourself honestly right now. Like after you're done listening to this, um, give yourself some time and space to check in with yourself and see how you're really doing. Be honest. It's not, it's just for you, but it's it you can self-assess what do I need right now? One thing that I ask people to think about foster moms, especially is how am I feeling right now and how do I want to feel? And what are some ways that I can feel that feeling? Even if I can't, I can't change my circumstance, I can't change the case, I can't change the outcome, but I can decide if I want to feel peaceful today. Yeah, it would be great if my I knew the next six months of my foster care journey. That would make me feel peaceful. But what else would make me feel peaceful would be taking a walk outside, you know, listening to some classical music, you know, hanging out with a good friend over a cup of coffee, whatever it is for you. And I can choose one thing from that list and do that. So that at least for a little bit today, I'm getting the feeling that I wish I was feeling, the feeling that I want to be feeling more. It's easy, I think, to become a little bit of a martyr sometimes, at least it was for me, of like, oh man, my life is so hard. This is so heavy. And it is, that's not wrong, but we also have power. We can also choose something different. And I think that's just an important distinction.

Finally, what would a strengthened foster family look like five years from now if we truly supported them well?

Tracy Whitney 48:17

I think it's also easy to become kind of numb to the gap between that exists between how I'm feeling and how I want to feel. And when we feel maybe paralyzed by our circumstances or numb to that gap, we we don't go anywhere. And then nothing ever changes. And then it just kind of deepens and furthers that sense of numbness. So that advice to stop after after this podcast is over and you're done listening, just stop and check in with yourself. I love that. That's probably a good daily practice, um, not just for foster parents, any of us who are raising kids who've been impacted by trauma or neurodivergence or prenatal substance exposure, any of those hard things that our kids have experienced, checking in with ourselves, how do I want to show up? And am I actually showing up that way? And minding that gap. That's really good. So, in your view, kind of paint us a picture of what you think a strong, robust, vibrant foster family looks like in right now or maybe five years from now, if they start putting all of this into practice and we're all supporting them well. I love that.

Cathleen Bearse 49:35

I think, you know, it's a it's a family where everyone's voice can be heard and everyone feels safe to share how they're really feeling, and that there's regular check-ins for how are you really feeling. It's easy to get into the day-to-day grind, you know, no matter what each of our kids' stories are, however they come to us, even biologically, but just to have a regular time and say, listen, what do you need right now? What how are you feeling right now? And that and you're creating space for them to feel safe. A practice that I think is really important to that end is for a parent to spend one-on-one time with a child. I just do once a month with my kids. I have four kids and that's what I can give right now. And I also work full time and do a lot of other things. So there's no judgment around how often or how long, but I to make it simple for myself so my brain can remember, I just do the day that they were born, like that day of the month. It's I put it on the calendar as mom and Sam time, mom and Josh time. Nice. And that they know to expect it, and I know to expect it. And then I say to them, okay, what do you want to do? And the little ones are like, let's go to the toilet store. I'm like, oh my gosh, you know, again, exactly. I'm like, this isn't about buying stuff, this is about spending quality time. Um, but just like to have that, that they expect it. I mean, and they do. They're my youngest are five and seven, and they'll literally be like, Whoa, it is the 22nd. It's my mom and Lena time. I'm like, okay. So I think that's a really good and fun practice. And just to have that time where at least I'm offering you my full undivided attention this particular moment so that you can feel safe and I can check in with you and say, Hey, how are you doing? Some months you might not want to talk about it. Some months, you know, my teenagers that are older are like, Mom, oh my gosh, we just want to eat this burger and fries. Yeah. Um, and that's okay too, because that's creating, you know, the safety and the connection and they they know um that they can always talk to you.

Tracy Whitney 51:24

Yeah, that's great. What about a strengthened foster family in terms of a marriage or a partnership? What would that look like?

Cathleen Bearse 51:32

I think that's a huge, you know, always adjusting the sales as well. I think checking in with each other constantly, making sure that you have it doesn't have to be like a weekly or monthly date night, but just whatever works for you, just whatever you feel. And even to ask that question again, like how am I feeling in our marriage or partnership? How do I want to be feeling in our marriage or partnership? And I think, I mean, marriage is such an ever-changing, you know, relationship. You have to continue to be willing to put the work in. And so I think, you know, being willing to just have those conversations and to be honest in them. To be, you know, some sometimes the internal processes are like things are fine. Like, are they really? You know, um, what do you need? Do you need more time out of the house by yourself? Do you need more connection with friends? Do we need more connection? And just being able to ask that of the other person and then creating space for it because you realize how important it is. That's the bedrock of the family. Is that is that um, you know, partnership, that marriage relationship.

Tracy Whitney 52:31

Yeah. Well, Kathleen, thank you so much for joining us today to talk about how and why foster families deserve and need to be strengthened. I love this concept of building that community and and checking in with ourselves. The value of that is inescapable. And when we're strengthening foster families, then we're strengthening kids, and kids can then go on to live these big, beautiful lives that we get to be, we get the privilege of participating in. So thank you for your time. Listeners, don't forget that May is National Foster Care Awareness Month. And so if you're looking for foster care support and resources for your family, come to creating afamily.org and check us out. We've got tons of resources that specifically talk about strengthening your marriage, strengthening your parenting, building connection with your kids, all those things that go into building strong, robust foster families. So, Kathleen, thank you for your time. We really appreciate it. And uh look forward to hearing from you again in the future. Thank you so much.