So You Want to be a Foster Parent

Have you considered fostering? What might be holding you back? Join us for a conversation with Laura, the Foster Parent Partner, to explore what it takes to be ready to foster, what the licensing and placement process looks like, and how to navigate relationships with the child's birth parents while providing a safe place for the child to land. Laura is the author of First Time Fostering and brings awareness and advocacy for foster families to social media spaces.

In this episode, we talk about:

• How can someone tell if fostering might be the right step for them?
• What are some common misconceptions about foster parenting that you often hear from people who are just starting to explore it?
• What mindset shifts do people often need to make before stepping into foster parenting, especially around trauma and reunification?
• Once someone decides to move forward, what does the licensing process look like?
• What tends to surprise people about that process?
• How should families prepare the people already in their lives—a partner, kids in the home, or extended family—for fostering?
• What kind of support system do new foster parents need?
• How can they start building that before they get their first placement?
• When you're waiting for your first placement, what are some basics you should have ready in their home?
• What is it actually like to get that first placement call and welcome a child into your home?
• In those first hours and days, what are some practical ways foster parents can help a child feel safe and supported?
• It’s important to remember that reunification is the goal of foster care. What does co-parenting mean for foster parents? Why is it a crucial element of fostering?
• In foster care, children often still have relationships with their families, especially when reunification is still the goal. How can foster parents begin building a respectful relationship with a child’s parent?
• How can foster parents help facilitate connection or healing with the child’s parents?
• How do foster parents navigate the reality and emotions of a child leaving their home, for another placement, or for reunification?
• How should they support their resident children for that loss?
• What are some of the other hard realities of foster parenting that people should be prepared for?
• What would you want a newly licensed foster parent to know before they say yes to their first placement?
• What keeps you anchored in this work and committed to supporting others?

Resources:

• Becoming a Foster Parent
• What Foster Care Alumni Want You to Know
• 23 Crucial Questions to

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

May is National Foster Care Awareness Month, and we are thrilled to bring you this conversation
that we're calling So You Want to Be a Foster Parent. Every state in the United States needs
reliable, safe, equipped foster parents who have been trained and educated well on what to expect.
The number of kids in the U.S. foster system is greater than the number of homes available and
open to receive them. We hope that today's show broadcast during National Foster Care Month helps
listeners consider that foster care can be a path that they choose for their family.
We hope that it gives them more information about how to get started and what it looks like to be
ready to open their hearts and their homes to the kids who need a safe place to thrive. Hello and
welcome to Creating a Family. My name is Tracy Whitney. I am the content director for Creating a
Family and I am thrilled today to have Laura, the foster care parent with us today.
She is going to walk us through what it looks like to become a foster parent. So if you're not
familiar with Laura, the foster parent partner yet, let me introduce her. She is a former
therapeutic foster parent and a social media creator. who supports and empowers new foster parents
as they navigate the licensing process and all the challenges that go with that. Through her videos
and social media posts, she provides practical advice, considerations about trauma-informed care,
and relatable stories to help others navigate the complexities of foster care. Laura's mission is
to raise awareness advocate for children in care, and inspire foster parents to feel confident and
prepared in their journey. Her new book, First Time Fostering, is available wherever you get your
books. So welcome, Laura. I'm so glad to have you here today, and I'm excited to talk about how to
equip and encourage foster parents and potential foster parents for the journey of foster care.
Amazing. Thank you so much for having me today. I'm so glad you're here. I found you on Instagram,
likely because my algorithm is full of foster and adoption care information.
And I just got to give you props. Your social media presence is very engaging and not just super
informative, but lighthearted and easy to take in in small chunks. And I'm sure that that's that is
my hope and ultimately my hope for the book as well, too. So thank you for that. Great. Well,
we sat back and kind of took a big picture view of what it looks like to become a foster parent.
And so I organized today's conversation in kind of the chronological order that one would follow if
they thought to themselves, I think I might want to look into being a foster parent. So along the
way, we'd love for you to share your insights, lived experiences and stories that will help our
listeners feel like this process is something they can do as well. So many people feel a tug or a
little bit of a twinge when they hear about foster care, and they're not sure if they're cut out
for that or if they're ready. How would someone be able to tell if fostering might be the right
next step for them? Yeah, I get this question a lot, to be honest. And one of the main reasons
people come to my page. And it is a little confusing. How do I know if I'm ready?
And I hate to say it, there isn't one point where you're going to be like, aha, this is it.
But I will say there's definitely some themes that come up from a lot of foster parents when
they've decided. And it starts with just having stability in your own life, like a reliable support
system. a job and reliable finances a home where you feel like you could you're going to be living
for many years stable relationships in your life that's sort of the basics and then from there
acknowledging that there is room for more in your schedule and in your life and in your home so can
you fit in extra appointments during the week do you have physical space in your home for another
child or a group of siblings. Those are kind of like the basics of, you know, okay,
we're ready. We have all of this lined up. And then comes, well, are we emotionally ready?
Is our family ready? Is our extended network of family and friends, are they ready as well?
Like, have we talked about it? Are we all aligned? And we're all ready to kind of take that leap
into fostering. So what are some of the maybe misconceptions that people have when they come to
this? initial conversation of, am I ready or might I be able to get ready?
Well, naturally, they're looking at their personal life and kind of saying, is this a fit?
So I hear a lot from single parents or single foster parents. Like, is that something that can
happen? Am I allowed to foster if I'm not married or have a partner? And the answer is yes.
Single foster parents have an important part within the foster parenting community and provide
unique care that is needed. People also are thinking about their work and career.
I hear that a lot. Can I work full time? You know, this day and age, usually everyone in the home
is working full time or that's pretty common. And it's something to think about because we have our
work commitments and then we have foster parenting responsibilities and commitments too, because
that's part work. And the short answer is, yes, you can. There's going to be always caveats of,
you know, do you have flexibility? Can you take some time off here and there? Can you come home and
do a half day or work from home? And those types of things are really good things to think about.
But those, I think, are the two main things. It's like, am I cut out for this? Could I actually do
it? Because these are the two things are flagging in my head. Right, right.
They are thinking through those two big things. Yeah. Well, you know, when you step into being a
foster parent, this is an act of public service, community service. You are providing your home and
your life in service of the kids and families impacted by foster care. That is disruptive and will
require you to make sacrifices and be flexible. And that is just the natural part of providing care
and supporting community members. Now, that doesn't mean that everything you care about has to
change and stop. Absolutely not. You have to hold on to the things that make you you and the things
you care about. But there will be moments where you have to make choices and be flexible in your
own personal life too. So it sounds like you're talking a lot about pretty significant self
-awareness and, and ability to be honestly assessing your skills and where maybe your skills need
to grow. If this is really something you want to do. Yeah. And it's, it's good to think about like,
what are my strengths as a person in this community? And as a parent, you know, I, for me,
I was a first time parent too. And so I. i didn't know like what would i be good at but it is
important to think about like what are some of your personal strengths and think through what are
some possible areas of need where do you need to grow or learn you know the learning never stops
And, but that is kind of a quality. Yeah. But you need to acknowledge that and have that,
you know, quality within yourself that you don't know everything. You won't ever know everything.
And there's always room for improvement. And that's just sort of the world that foster parents live
in. Yeah. So once someone decides, okay, I think that I'm willing to make those shifts and
adjustments. I think I am pretty self-aware. I can be pretty flexible. What does the licensing
process actually look like? And what do people seem to be most surprised by?
Yeah. So unfortunately in this country, every state and county handles.
licensing very different which does make it a little hard to kind of give direct answers but there
are definitely some themes and things to to think about that are common right so you're going to
have a ton of paperwork you're going to have your background check you're going to do those basics
because they need to know pretty much everything about you. There's going to be extensive
interviews. They need to make sure that you are a safe place. I mean, that is the reality. Are you
stable, safe, and you can show up and do the responsibilities of foster parenting? And then there
is pre-service training. So there's going to be classes. Now, this is where things vary depending
on where you are. This might be in person with three-hour chunks at a time. And you're learning
deeply about how the system works and how trauma affects children. While in other places,
we're definitely seeing training being scaled back a lot. And you're just getting the basics of
what you need to do. And so that really puts a lot of responsibility on the hopeful foster parent
to seek out additional training and information too. So there's training components,
there's paperwork, and then workers will come to your home. They need to see your home.
They need to make sure it's safe. And you're meeting minimum safety standards. that you have space
for them, and that everyone within the home is aligned and wants to do this because that's an
important piece too. So, you know, it can take a couple months, six months.
If you've lived out of state, it can take, you know, closer to a year. So it does take some time.
And depending on the workload of the caseworkers, there can be a lot of waiting periods and also
missing paperwork and mistakes that come up along the way too. Do you think that's the thing that
surprises people the most is how long this practice can take? Yeah. How long? Because they're like,
well, I thought there was such a need. Right. Here I am. I'm ready to go. So the length, but I
think also it's people's first introduction to the system. And you're going to see some of the
cracks right there at the beginning. Some things that feel unfair or things that don't make any
sense. You're like, why does this policy exist? For me, it was like, why do I need covered trash
cans? That just seems like, it was like a sticking point at our home inspection. Right, right. But
there's like all these little pieces and you start to see, oh, caseworkers do, they're dealing with
a lot. There's so much that goes into this. There's, you know, mistakes that happen. And so it's
your first introduction to maybe how the system is going to operate once you're licensed.
And I do know that not everyone, people stop there. Right. You know, they don't want to continue
with that. Yeah. And it's understandable if it reveals inside of you that you don't have an ability
to be flexible with systems that are broken. Yes. And patient with systems that are broken.
You're definitely stepping into a broken system. for sure and i'll add to you start to hear the
realities of what foster parenting will be like right so you're going to hear about how you're
going to be interacting with parents and supporting reunification you're going to hear about the
court system you're going to hear about working with the workers and how they're going to dictate
some things that you have to do in your home and those drips those little pieces can start to make
some families realize maybe not a fit right now for for us Right.
So how should, once people are in the licensing process, you know, doing all their documentation,
paperwork, home study, all of that, how should they also then be preparing the people already in
their lives, whether it's their partner that they're doing this with or the kids already in the
home, often we call them resident kids, or extended family for the fostering process?
Well, obviously these conversations usually start close, you know, with your partner. If you have
one, you're going to be talking about what this could really look like. What does this look like on
a day-to-day basis? What's going to happen when things are hard? What are some of the hard things
that make us feel a little scared and worried? You're going to look at your finances. See if this
is something that you can do. And then you're going to talk to your kids. What do they already know
about foster care? Is this their first introduction? Or do they have friends at school who are
impacted? And those conversations are super important at the beginning because you need to make
sure that you have these open relationships. You may think you have open communication with your
resident children, but this is really where you're going to start to talk about some harder topics
and then what to do if there's things that are troubling. Obviously, these conversations will
evolve and continue as you take in children. And then I also feel it's incredibly important to...
Tell your friends and family and your extended network that this is what's happening in your life
because no one can foster alone. It's not sustainable.
And this is something I hear from a lot of foster parents who are struggling. They don't have the
support they thought they did. And their community is not showing up for them in the way that they
need. And that is very difficult to continue fostering. And so it's good to...
Talk about the subjects. Ask your friends and family. What do they know about being a foster
parent? You're going to be educating them as well and setting some boundaries and some expectations
as you kind of learn in your training what's going to be happening. You can pass it along to your
friends and family and bring them in as well. So that segues nicely into the next question about
the importance of community. What kind of support system or community do new foster parents really
need? And how might they start building that up before they even get their first placement?
Yeah, you're going to need the people to vent to, right? That's just your close friends.
Whenever you do something new in life or something hard, you need your close friends. You can just
call and they'll listen. And you need people in your life practically who can maybe jump in to run
an errand or drop off meals or help you kind of brainstorm and process something or work through a
system issue. And then I also really believe you need other foster parent friends.
And this is something that you may not have right at the beginning, which I know I didn't. I didn't
know any other. people that we're fostering. That type of relationship does take work.
You got to show up to the trainings, be willing to either send a chat or, you know, because a lot
of Zoom training is happening now, or, you know, in-person events or in-person trainings,
chatting and getting to know others or asking the licensing worker, hey, do you know of any other
foster parents in my area, in my neighborhood? Could you connect me? And then there's also a lot of
online opportunities too to get to know other foster parents in your county through support groups
or online Facebook groups. But those people are the ones that are going to get it.
And until you're there, you don't really know what I mean. Right. But those relationships are
powerful and important, not just for your own mental well-being, but also just to help you
navigate because they've been there before you. Right. I would highly suggest that when you're
looking for that foster parent connection, you don't just find ones that have been doing it for a
while because that's a great resource for you, but also find ones that are kind of at the same
starting point that you are. It's a good point. Yes. So you just feel like you're linking arms with
someone and you're not always the one that's, you know, learning to catch up from the wiser,
older, more experienced ones. Have somebody you can link arms with. Thank you for saying that
because I have that person in my head right now. I linked arms with. And I'm truly so grateful for
that friendship. We went through a lot together for the first time. Yeah.
Listeners, I'd like to interrupt for just a moment and tell you that we would love to know more
about you. So go to the link in your podcast player or the link in your YouTube show notes and tell
us how you are connected to the topics that we're discussing here today. Have you been involved in
foster care? Are you thinking about foster care? Have you just been on the fence about whether or
not foster care is right for your family? What has your adoption or foster care or kinship care
journey been like so far? What topics are you most interested in hearing more about?
Anything you want to tell us about anything related to adoption, foster care, and kinship care, we
want to hear it. So please go to the link in your podcast player or the link in your YouTube show
notes and give us the lowdown on what's going on with you. Thanks so much. And let's head back to
the show.
When you're waiting for your first placement, so you've moved through the... Am I cut out for this
to the, I'm working on my licensing. Now you're waiting for your first placement because your
license has been approved. What are some of the basics that you should have ready in your home? And
we're going to talk like at this point of the conversation, let's make it really tangible,
practical. What are the basics you need to have in your home to welcome your first placement? Okay.
So you're going to. at that point you've already passed your safety inspection but you do need to
go through and child proof you need to go through and child proof your home so you're ready so
because not every safety inspection is child proofing right so um go through and make sure that
your house is kid friendly so you've got step stools night lights you know friendly faces stuffed
animals toys books that you know are have diverse covers make sure the home is is kid friendly and
warm yeah and then kind of in a practical sense i always recommend looking at kind of the age range
if you have an age range and thinking about what you might need in the first 24 hours so you might
want to be stocking up on toothbrush toothpaste for kids maybe you're going to grab some bulk pjs
you know in some general sizes you don't have to do too much because usually you have a few hours
or maybe even a day or two to prepare and run to the store But sometimes emergency calls come in.
It's good to have everything right then. And that includes like kid-friendly snacks, you know,
foods that a lot of kids generally like and having those on hand so that you're kind of ready to
say yes. You're not thinking about those items. If you have a little extra time to prepare, I
always recommend putting together a little bit of a welcome kit, like a little amenities basket
that can sit in the bathroom or the bedroom and just helps welcoming a child,
you know, helps them feel thought of and considered and gives them the things they need. right now,
right at their fingertips. So that would be things like your toiletries, maybe some comfort items,
some sensory toys, maybe some books or other toys if they're a little bit younger and snacks and
things like that. Always make sure you include a variety of soft, warm, comforting textures for
that first 24 hours, whether that's throw pillows or you mentioned stuffed animals, could be a
really soft textured blanket, things like that. And those are excellent. things that you can ask
that support network that you've been kind of curating in advance, those are great ways for them to
practically join this journey that your family is on and having them just bring like,
I need five of these for the next five welcome baskets. Yes,
absolutely. I think just walk through your home. Does it feel like it's ready for a guest,
a child, someone to come in and feel warm and safe? Obviously every kid is different.
So every kid is going to walk in that door and engage differently with your home, which is why I
say you got to kind of walk everywhere. Because some kids will go right to the playroom and just
dive in and, you know, start there. While others may want to go to the bedroom and shut the door.
And, you know, you don't hear from them for a few hours. And so it really varies. So you just kind
of have to be ready for anything, you know, at that point. Right. Yeah. So what is it like to get
that first placement call and welcome a child into your home for the first time? So I would say for
me, very nervous and anxious. And I think that is pretty universal. You can ask as many questions
as you want on those calls or get information via an email for that first child.
But it will always be a bit of a leap of faith. Things aren't always communicated exactly as it is.
And so, you know, it's important to just have that open mind. But I think that naturally brings a
lot of nerves. And I know for me, I probably was a little too anxious and nervous that first time.
And I've learned to kind of. tone down my demeanor and try to match what the kid is giving.
That's a great point. You know, if they're a little quiet, shy, scared, crying, you kind of have to
bring it down to that neutral, warm, comforting tone. Kids, they may come through running or
dumping or very kind of like up. You don't have to. be too up for them but you want to at least
acknowledge like okay yeah let's go play or you know what let's go outside let me show you the play
set let's start there right and so when you really can focus in on the child it does help kind of
calm the nerves because that's why you're doing this right for them and so that always helped me
when i was feeling super anxious is just let's just look at this child what do they need for me in
this very moment i can do that And when you can focus on that moment right now and what you can do
and what you can control, your nerves do subside a bit. So that's kind of the next question I was
going to ask you about. What are some of the practical ways that we can help a child feel welcome
in our home? You mentioned kind of matching their tone or matching their energy. Give me some other
practical things that you can do when they walk in the front door. Yeah, I mean, immediately
meeting their needs. right that sounds basic but i think it's important we we really are like
deliberate in thinking of that and that's for all ages whether that's changing a diaper and giving
a bottle all the way up to providing a snack kit and a cold water and just like getting a list of
their questions if they're concerned and worried and so just like really kind of like okay what are
the immediate needs that we have right now and that helps to build your connection build your trust
And, you know, kind of start those first few hours together. But, you know, they may also come late
and are asleep upon arrival. And now we're just kind of having a calm, kind of sleepy entry into
your home. So matching all of that, meeting those initial needs and, you know, kind of following
their lead. offering choices asking them questions like okay well which is which feels better for
you you know not too much we don't want to overwhelm right um and we also don't want to interrogate
it's more just like receiving like are they asking a ton of questions do they are they what are
they worried about um and how can i step in in that moment and i think those in those initial
moments initial hours is is the best way to help kids feel feel safe it's it's gonna be awkward
It's a stranger, you know, I think that's okay. You know, if you don't have this immediate,
like strong connection, I think that's about a myth, you know, we're just there to serve at that
point. Yeah. And as the adult in the room, as they say, it's on us to set that tone and set that
culture right away that this is a safe place to ask all those questions. This is a safe place.
to be as dysregulated as you need to be while you're figuring out this huge transition that just
took place. Yeah, absolutely. And I think it's important to note your demeanor when the worker is
there and when the worker leaves, you know, making sure it's consistent. You know, that was really
hard for me at the beginning because you kind of feel like a performance in front of workers. You
know, they're asking you a lot of hard questions. They're questioning you on a lot, but. Kids are
noticing these things and you don't want to give any signals that you might be untrustworthy if
you're changing demeanors dramatically. Or that the caseworker made the wrong choice. Yeah,
you know. You don't want the kid to feel that. Exactly. No, definitely. You may be thinking it in
your head, but you don't want the kid to feel that. Yes. So you mentioned a little bit ago that
reunification is the goal of foster care until it's not. Until that or if that goal changes,
foster parents are often asked to co-parent with a child's birth parents. So co-parenting sounds
really scary to a lot of people. And for good reason. It's usually because they don't fully
understand it in the context of foster care. What does co-parenting in the context of foster care
mean in most foster placement situations? I also think you're co-parenting with the government
too. It's kind of like a group parenting situation. Very good point. And it's complicated and
scary. So I appreciate acknowledging that something definitely I was fearful of because this is
another stranger. So it's important to kind of first acknowledge that that family,
that parent has also experienced trauma. You know, their child was removed. They may be currently
going through a difficult situation that they're not. out of yet or you know have gotten support
and so as we enter into these relationships it's important for us to kind of be conscious of that
trauma too they're very scared worried they're going to question us they may have heard or had
personal experience within the foster care system with with foster parents that didn't have the
best intentions so that is a good context as we enter into these new relationships i always
personally felt like you know a warm friendly professional tone you know you don't need to over the
top communicate or you don't need to disappear either you're there you're showing up you're
confident and you care about the kids focusing on the kids and i think that's a great way to begin
so sometimes co-parenting goes as far as just a communication journal at visits because for a
variety of reasons maybe you don't have direct access and the parent is not in attendance of a lot
of you know meetings with the children outside of foster care and so sometimes that is just giving
an update in a journal and that gets sent at the visit Maybe you are,
you know, a little bit further into that relationship and you're sending photos,
you're texting photos, or maybe there's phone calls with the child and their parent and you kind of
hop on, give a little update too. So there's a little bit more back and forth. And then there also
might be places where parents are joining in doctor's appointments at school conferences.
That gets a little bit more complex, of course, because there's different dynamics of who's
answering questions, who's in charge of this information. And that is all relationship work,
right? You're going to step here and sidestep here, but it's important to just have...
communication with them as well. Hey, listen, if you're ever worried about something, feel free to
just let me know and let's work through it. I would rather hear from a parent if they weren't happy
about something than hear it through the worker. And a lot can be accomplished by just working with
parents. That is not always the reality though. Sometimes we don't have access to parents and
sometimes parents don't want to have a relationship with us. There's a variety of dynamics at play.
And so I think just showing up where we can and in support and always focusing back on their child,
even just using that language, your son, your daughter, calling them mom and dad.
Don't call them bio mom. That's not who they are. They're mom. Just even those small nuances can be
a great starting point for that relationship.
more about the way we carry ourselves as the foster parents than it is about the actual practice of
co-parenting. Well, that's all we can control, right? Right. I was just going to say that.
And that's a lot of what I share in the book. This is what we can control. So much is out of our
control and it's not appropriate for us to try to control. And parents are working an entire case
plan. And there may be ups, downs, twists and turns for them as well. And at the end of the day,
all we can do is show up consistently, show up honestly and,
you know, with good intentions and a good heart. And, you know, that's what we can do.
And so I appreciate you calling that out because I do think that is, you know, show up for what we
can control and what we can do. And then. obviously as parents get more involved you know i've
heard from foster parents who have parent visits in their own home the parent comes to their house
and so it can take a lot of different forms but will be really dependent on you as a foster parent
what you're comfortable with what makes sense for the child right because they're going to have
their own feelings about their parent and how you interact with their parent right and then also
the parent themself what they're open to wanting out of this that is very variable,
you know. So practically speaking, when you're having that maybe first reach out or first contact,
I'm assuming that foster parents are usually requested to be the ones to initiate that contact.
Sometimes it can be. That's how it was for me. Sometimes there's formal icebreaker meetings where
you're having like a formal team meeting and the parent is there and the foster parent there.
Sometimes foster parents meet the parent at court. and you don't even know it's them until the
judge call or the bailiff calls and oh that person sitting right there is walking in i guess that
must be the parent you know like it can really vary which i mean i i prefer a little bit of
direction from the worker just because in theory they have more background and knowledge and can
advise on the best way to move forward but sometimes they'll just give you the number and they give
you theirs and you have a phone call or you know you meet at the visit Okay.
So using language like your child, your son, your daughter is a great way to start those
conversations off. Do you recommend that foster parents have maybe a separate email just for that
kind of communication or a separate phone number even for just that kind of communication?
Does that help? You certainly can do that. Yes, we did that. You know, you can have just a generic
email address that you and if you have a partner can both get that can be used for to communicate
or send pictures to the parent or send updates. You can set up a Google voice number or have a
completely separate phone, especially if there's calls between the parent and the child. You know,
sometimes just easier. Then you're not giving your phone for that. And I think it adds a little bit
of boundaries and kind of. distinguishes different parts of your life, which can be important.
And then as you get to know parents and they get to know you, and as those relationships deepen,
you can open up more of yourself or not. I mean, usually that is not required of foster parents.
helping the child build a relationship or repair a relationship with their family,
what are some of the things that a foster parent can do to facilitate that repair process and that
staying connected process? So family visits,
in theory, are the function of foster care that is supposed to support those and repair those
relationships. And that's where the foster parent or a transport worker takes the child to a center
or somewhere in public usually, and they spend a few hours with their parents. They can keep the
bond and all of that. Now, obviously, things have happened, right? And foster parents can just
start by just being there and listening to kids. All right, well, you know,
we have this visit coming up. What are you thinking about that? How are you feeling? Is there
anything you need there? Let's pack a bag together. And that will probably bring some things up.
You can say things like, you know, I don't really know what happened because we don't. But if you
want to share, I'm happy to listen or help you make sense of what might be going on and really kind
of taking their lead. They may be like, well, I don't. I hate my mom and I don't want you to talk
to her, any of that. And those are tricky conversations, but important ones. Talking about what
your job as a foster parent is and what you are required to do. And then also places where you can
respect their wishes. And as they restart or repair and navigate a relationship with their parent,
you can kind of be there as a support person and a steady person when they come back to help them.
you know, decompress or just chill out for the afternoon. And then obviously therapy as well.
You know, something foster parents can do is advocate for professional support. Kids have
experienced, you know, abuse, neglect. These are big things and often need a professional to come
in and help support the child, make sense, to process and heal from those experiences and
ultimately hear that, potentially heal that relationship with their parent. And so foster parents
can also play a role in advocating to get those services started up quickly. So when a family is
getting ready to reunify, that means that foster parents have to say goodbye.
Yes. So many prospective foster parents really fear the saying goodbye.
What if I get too attached? What do you have to say about that? Yeah, I think that that's
definitely a fear. And I think, unfortunately, you know, it's usually met with, well,
that's what you signed up for. You'll be fine. You'll get through it. It's okay. Yeah. And kind of
brushed over. Yeah. Dismissed. Dismissed. Thank you. And that leaves foster parents just kind of at
a place. They have to deal with it on their own, which, you know, never turns out well.
So, yes, you know, reunification comes. And often, I will say.
You have some warning. There are signs. Usually it means that visits are,
you know, extended to overnight or the weekends. Maybe there's an upcoming court date and someone
has talked about reunification. These are all, you know, little hints to start to prepare your
heart. Doesn't mean you're closing down. Doesn't mean you're shutting off because things can change
too. And also we don't, we never would want to do that, but it is good to start to prepare your
heart. you know and then prepare your community that's going to be there to support you some
reunifications are very hard and i think it's the end of foster parenting for some and because it
is so hard and i think no one says that out loud because it can happen but i will also say that's
less less often more often there is a there is this sadness There could be a grief period and you
need to go to support group or get a therapist to support you and your family. You have to think
about your children in your home and supporting them with that loss. That's a real loss in their
life. And so there's a little bit of coming together with your close family, your friends, and just
loving on each other. That is really restorative. Some foster parents take a break, which can be so
helpful. That break could be weeks or months. until you're really ready to start again.
Others don't feel as intensely. Doesn't mean you did not love and care for them, but they're able
to reorganize the home, maybe get out of town for the weekend and start again.
And so every reunification will look and feel a little different. And yes,
we all remember the kids we had in our home. They will always be like a part of the fabric of who
we are that changes you. This is a life-changing experience. But you do move through those
seasons. That is part of what we do. And, you know, it's an important reflection for someone who's
considering. If you're thinking right now, I could never do that, then it maybe isn't for you. And
that is okay too. Not everyone can sustain those losses and has the support and plan for after
those losses occur because it is hard. But I will say with many reunifications,
there's also this like kind of hopeful feeling. Right. And that is also not talked about.
Because you can hold on to that. You can see this family who has changed their circumstances, who
has done a ton of work. And the kids are so excited to go home. And we're cheering them on,
right? Yeah. yeah they're ready to go now you know like and and that is a bittersweet experience it
is a happy ending and that's what we want for our families is for their circumstances to change for
safety to be improved and for kids to be back with their parents that's ultimately why a lot of
people sign up to foster and so you do have to kind of hold back onto that yeah go back to those
reasons why are you doing this this work And this is it, right? So I think that can help get people
through those really sad seasons. But it's real. The feelings are real. Yeah.
And when you get to be connected to someone who's had a successful,
beautiful reunion and you see the hope and the excitement and the joy that they feel in that,
it can bring you back to your own why. Absolutely. Yes,
not every story is going to end like that. But yes, there is always hope that it can end like that.
And if we are living in this process without hope, I mean, that's just a dismal way to raise any
child. Yes. If we're living without hope. So our kids that we welcome into our homes,
they need to have that culture of hope that says, we believe that your mom and dad can heal.
And we believe that your family can go on to thrive and we're going to do everything we can, buddy,
to help that happen. Absolutely. Yeah. You have to hang on to that. And that is what gets you
through. And also, you know, there are other families who may need you too.
You know, I think. Opening your phone back up for calls and just hearing the stories or hearing
about kids who need somewhere to go tonight can also re-engage you with your why and bring you
back to like, okay, there's work to be done still. So there's just a lot of different avenues to
take when those moments happen. And I think it's important for people to really take those moments
day by day. You don't have to make long-term decisions, you know, and just focus on.
the things that help you feel better in life. So what are some of the specific strategies that you
employ when you do have a child leave your home and your resident kids are working through that
grief and that loss? How do you support your kids specifically? I hear from all different foster
parents how they manage it differently.
They're really plugging back in and spending that one-on-one time with their kids. Some kids do
well with a tangible outlet as well. So whether that's creating a photo collage or some artwork to
remember them, planting something in the garden or a garden stone so that we can have a tangible
way to think about those friends that we had and that we still care about. And sometimes kids in
the home do need therapeutic support as well. you know they've experienced a loss and just like any
other loss in life you kind of as parents you do have to step in to to greet those moments there's
a lot of books about losing loved ones that you can read with them to open the door for
conversation and it's it's good to let them have time to heal as well because We often hear from
foster families with kids in the home that those sibling relationships are important and strong and
life-changing for the kids in the homes. And so it's really important to honor those
relationships, make sure you're spending a lot of time together, really listening and plugging into
the kids and their feelings and not starting again too quickly until everyone is ready.
Yeah. So one of the hard realities is that kids leave. But what are some of the other hard
realities of foster parenting that a prospective foster parent should know about or be prepared
for? So the system, you know, we hear the cliche, the system is broken,
right? I think when you actually are now in it, in the weeds as a foster parent,
you really do see the red tape, the bureaucracy. the overworked,
you know, caseworkers, you see the realities of the system and that is hard and devastating and
it's easy to grow very bitter and angry. And when you know so clearly what this child needs and you
can't get it for them or they won't do it or it's not approved or, you know, kids are moved around
for reasons that you feel are not legitimate and not in the best. you know,
interest of the child, it's heartbreaking and frustrating. And it's part of the job.
It's part of just being in that system and advocating and writing things down and following up and
being the squeaky wheel, listening to the child, helping them advocate for themselves when needed.
It's just a lot of work and it's a heavy system. And I think a lot of people expect who don't know
and don't know about the system they expect it to operate like maybe their job or their work you
know you're like oh well i'd be fired if i did that it's like well there's all this other stuff
happening and as a foster parent i think this is another hard realization is you are not told
everything in fact confidentiality and privacy is baked into this system and so even though you
have this impression of what you are seeing experiencing there may be a world of information that
you are not privy to that is happening behind the scenes maybe information you feel you should have
you are not getting or information you are getting is false and there may be a reason why that
miscommunication has occurred but it can be incredibly challenging to be operating in a system
without all the information i mean that was one of my biggest shocks to the system is i'm asked to
care for these children and you're not telling me anything about them and this one doesn't even
have health insurance approved because their name was spelled wrong and we didn't realize you don't
realize that for weeks and so it just like it just was wild to me that kids would be dropped off at
my home and i have very little information about them that is shocking disappointing and hard it's
a it's a part of the work but it is hard And I think that also there's just,
you know, sour relationships can happen too. You know, sometimes working with workers or even
parents or, you know, the advocates, just these relationships are hard.
There's a lot of different experiences, different backgrounds, different ways that people
communicate. And it can be challenging. You're working with a multidisciplinary team.
And everyone has a different priority and everyone has different parameters they're working under
and it can be challenging. And so that goes back to that flexibility and being able to be flexible
and offer grace and all of that. It's important. It's hard though. And holding on to why you
started and what's best for the child. And focus on what you can control.
Yes, exactly. Exactly. I tell that to my kids all the time. You can only control you.
Yeah. You can control the care you provide. Yep. And the way that you advocate,
that's what you can control. And that is meaningful, by the way. And I think foster parents can't
lose track of that. Right. You showing up every single day or writing that note for that lunchbox
or lighting up when a child enters the room every single time is meaningful.
Yeah.
Listeners, I have one more quick interruption and that's to tell you about that free library of
online courses sponsored by the Jockey Being Family Foundation. These courses are designed to build
your parenting skills, to increase your confidence in your parenting skills, and to strengthen your
whole family. Thank you to the Jockey Being Family Foundation for partnering with us to provide
these. You can find them at bit.ly slash jbfsupport. That's bit.ly slash JBF support.
Thanks so much. And let's go finish the interview now. Creating a Family has some lists of
questions that you can and should be asking. caseworkers and things like that to help you prepare
to welcome the child, but also to help you navigate how to advocate for that child at school and at
medical appointments and all those other things. I'll link those in the show notes so that families
can have the list. But again, to your point, you can ask all the right questions and you still
might not get the answers you need or the way you need them. complete information towards what you
need. Yes. But I will say you're going to get something, right? Whether it's nothing or something,
you do start to learn how to interpret these answers and or lack of answers.
You know, that's something I've tried to also kind of outline in the guidebook a lot of like, I
didn't know what I didn't know. So that you can be a little bit more informed as you receive some
information, you know, but you do need a list to start. Absolutely. Use those lists because I think
the more information that foster parents have, the better that they can do it. It makes it more
sustainable. They're set up for success. Yeah.
Well, and speaking of setting up for success, what is one thing that you would like a prospective
foster parent to know before they say yes to their first placement? I would like them to know that
their life is about to change. This is a life-changing experience. You will not...
be the same person after that moment that child walks in and you are about to experience some of
the most incredible moments of your life that you will take with you for the rest of your life.
And it's okay to make mistakes. We all do. Kids don't need perfect parents.
It's okay if you have missteps or things are awkward. That's all normal.
We're all humans. It's important to remember that. And you, as you are today, showing up with your
warmth, your care, and all of the supports you're going to be providing is what the child needs.
And I am grateful for every single foster parent who is saying yes,
who is accepting that child, and is starting that life-changing moment.
Because... We need those moments. People are listening to this podcast today.
There are foster parents that have just said yes. And I'm so grateful that there are so many people
who are willing to come in and join us in supporting kids and family. So what are one or two things
about fostering that are those beautiful moments that you talked about that keep you motivated in
your own family's journey? I mean, the kids. The kids are amazing.
There are so many joy moments and so much we can learn from kids.
And what a wonderful, enriching experience to get to know all of these children with all these
different experiences and interests and things they care about and love and their little cute
things they say. I will say like my husband and I will still. do these inside jokes from kids we've
had, you know, five years ago. And like, I'm thinking about them, the huge smile on my face as I
think about those really special moments. And those things are really are powerful and keep you
going. And then as we said earlier, when you are able to see circumstances change and kids be with
family and, you know, those hopeful reunions. Yeah. That is what we're doing,
right? That's what's gonna, we're gonna come back to that every single time because not every
reunion will feel as hopeful, but when we can see those moments, we can really hold onto those and
have the hope for all the families that we serve. So listeners, there you have it.
You wanna be a foster parent and Laura, foster parent partner. gave us the whole rundown of how to
do that. And I hope- Thank you for walking through all the steps because I think that's important.
I love that. Thank you for doing that. It's a lot. I think that it was a great overview of grab it
onto a why and how to follow it through. And I hope that many listeners follow up on that instinct
or that little- tingle that they feel when they hear about, ooh, so you want to be a foster
parent. Laura, thank you for your time and your insight and the things that you shared with us
today. And listeners, if this resonated with you, look for her book, get it wherever you get your
books and go ahead and start your journey. And we look forward to hearing from you about what that
journey looked like. Thanks again, Laura. Thanks so much for having me.