How Do I Handle All These Big Feelings & Big Behaviors? - Weekend Wisdom

Question: My 2nd grader, adopted domestically, has some pretty big, hard behaviors, like tantrums, clingy whining, and difficulty cooperating or sharing. We know there was prenatal substance exposure. I feel stuck to help them with their big feelings and big behaviors — what do I do to help them day to day?

Resources:

• 5 Tips to Save Your Sanity While Raising Kids with Prenatal Substance Exposure
• Prenatal Exposure, Part 1: Parenting Babies Through Elementary Ages
• Tantrums, Meltdowns, Whining, Oh My! How to Parent Challenging Behaviors
• Free E-Guide: Navigating Challenging Behaviors - Practical Strategies for Families

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Hi, and welcome to Weekend Wisdom. I'm excited to talk to you today about big feelings,
big behaviors, and how parents can handle them. We heard from Allison about her second grader,
and it's a perfect fit for Weekend Wisdom, which is the short podcast we offer every Saturday to
help you find answers to strengthen and support your adoptive foster and kinship family.
So here we go. Allison said, my second grader, adopted domestically,
has some pretty big hard behaviors like tantrums, clingy whining, difficulty cooperating,
and difficulty sharing. We know there was prenatal substance exposure, and I feel stuck to help my
child with their big feelings and big behaviors. What do I do to help this situation on the day
today? Well, Allison, it's... good to hear from you. We're thankful that you took a shot and wrote
in to ask for help. I want to let you know that I hear you and I see you.
It's really hard when we've got big feelings and big behaviors. It's exhausting.
It feels personal sometimes. But it's important to remember that these big feelings and big
behaviors are rooted in brain development and survival responses. Your child is not being naughty.
They are not bad. They are acting out on what's going on inside of them.
And they're doing it in an immature way because they don't have the skills and the language to do
it differently. So remember that you are not alone. Many families who have children with prenatal
exposure are walking the same path. Prenatal exposure can impact the developing brain,
leading to challenges like you're seeing in your home, emotional regulation, frustration tolerance,
impulse control. So these behaviors, again, are not intentional. They often reflect your child's
neurological struggle, their internal stress, and unmet needs. So we want to emphasize to you that
talking about reframing their behaviors as communication that is, what is the need they're trying
to tell us about that they can't tell us about, will help us go into puzzle solving mode rather
than offense or negative assumption that they're defying us or... taking their actions against us
personally. So it's probably time for a little bit of a mindset shift. Number one,
stop the blame game. Don't blame your child for what their brain can't do yet, but don't blame
yourself either. You have to understand that you don't know what you don't know.
And so when you can ditch the blame game, you can drain the negative energy from the situation and
you can more thoughtfully and intentionally start to address the behavior. Number two,
see yourself as a partner with your child on this learning journey, not as a fixer of your child.
So you'll want to try a couple of these day-to-day tools that will help you do those two things.
And we're going to break them down into three accessible practices. The first practice is to have
predictable routines that create emotional safety in your home. Children with any developmental
challenge, including the vulnerabilities of prenatal exposure, neurodivergence, trauma,
history of loss and chaos, they thrive on structure and predictability.
So when you have a daytime schedule that has clear, predictable steps, visual reminders to go with
those steps, and warnings ahead of the transitions that they might have to go through,
like leaving this activity to go to the next activity. you are helping them reduce their sense of
overwhelm and the sense of chaos that they feel internally. So the practical tip would be,
for example, before you leave for school every morning, or before you start homework every
afternoon, or anytime you're transitioning to a new activity or task, give your child reminders at
30 minutes, at 10 minutes, and then at five minutes. Using visual timers for this child,
especially if they're young, will be very helpful, like a little egg timer or something like that.
The second thing is to fuel their tank. Always look to see.
what you can do to build up their internal health system. So big behaviors will often come when
your child is feeling hungry or dehydrated, tired, overstimulated, rushed,
all of those things. So you want to preserve their needs, kind of get out at it ahead of time.
You want to create frequent regular snack times, water breaks, rest,
and movement breaks. Giving them accessible language like filling up my tank or fueling up my
engine will help them learn how to name their feelings and their needs, even if you're just
simplifying it down to I'm tired, I'm hungry, or I'm scared. But you're giving them language.
You want to start small with the language, but you're modeling it for them too. The third thing you
want to do when you're trying to address these big feelings and big behaviors is to think
connection before correction. Make preventative deposits into their little heart tanks and talk
about it that way. If he's really young, talk about it like you're making a deposit into his bank,
his little heart bank. Many of our kids' challenging behaviors are actually bids for closeness or
safety or a sense of control, bids for your presence. And so your short,
focused interactions can build emotional credit in their little banks. That would be like five
minutes of down on their eye level playing with them. Cars and trucks on a mat or sitting reading a
book together before bed, asking them to help you with a simple task that they can feel successful
at. Those small interactions can build that sense of emotional wellness that will help kind of ward
off big feelings and big behaviors. And in the moment of the actual big feeling or big behavior
that's kind of going off the rails. Always work to acknowledge the feelings first,
not the behavior. First, go after the feelings. I see you're feeling really frustrated right now.
Or if they're really young and they're still just using kind of the basic words, I see that you've
got some big mad going on right now. That's okay. I'm going to be with you. And then guide their
behavior. When we feel a big mad, we don't hit our brother. When we feel a big mad,
we talk to mommy. So there are four steps to remember when an actual tantrum or meltdown is going
and things feel like they're going off the rails. The very first thing is to do everything you can
to stay calm and predictable in yourself first. Your regulated presence will become their model for
emotional regulation. They're going to need to borrow that. So you've got to get yourself right,
as they say. Once you're sure then that you're in a... regulated state and everyone else around is
safe, validate the child's feelings. Like I said, I can see that you're having a really hard time
right now. I can see that you've got a big med going on right now before you offer any choice or
solution. And then when you've empathized with them and you've validated their feelings of struggle
and challenge, then you can say, well, we've got two options here.
You can pick your snack or pick the book, or you can say you can share this car or you can go play
with the Legos. Another choice. would be, I know you wanted crustables for lunch today,
but there are none left. And so I can make you peanut butter and jelly or grilled cheese.
And so you're using limited words and limited choices to help them re-regulate.
Your simple choices and limited words will help you also avoid power struggles.
You've acknowledged that this is hard for them, but you're setting the boundaries and you're
saying, this is where we're headed. And I'm inviting you to have the sense of control that you need
to feel better. If you need to, number four, step away for a minute to catch your breath.
Mommy needs a minute to calm down. And that signals to the children that everybody feels out of
control once in a while. Mommy's got tools for how to deal with it. And so you can just say, I need
five minutes. Or I need to go take 10 deep breaths out on the front porch. I'll be right back.
Whatever you can do to model, but then also maintain your regulation.
And lastly, I want to talk about self-care. Because when you are raising a child who's got big
feelings and big behaviors and is not yet adept at talking about how to manage what they're feeling
and it comes out in all those big meltdowns and tantrums and, you know,
dysregulation, it's exhausting, it's confusing, and it's overwhelming for you as the parent.
Yes, your child is feeling all that stuff too, but you're feeling tapped out. So remember,
you can't regulate a dysregulated child from your own dysregulation. So remember that quick...
-care is not selfish. It's sustaining. Give yourself time to take those 10 deep breaths out on the
front porch. Do one thing that you enjoy every day that refuels and recharges you,
whether it's reading a book for 15 minutes before you go to sleep or quiet prayer time in the
morning before everybody else gets up or a walk around the block to see all your neighbors blooming
flowers or something like that, that recharges and refuels you. Do that for yourself every day.
Something that you can look forward to. Quick self-care should also include connections with other
supportive friends or family or even mental health professionals who can help you find that space
of re-regulation and maintain it, tools for maintaining it, and just a safe space to vent because
you should be able to say, my kid's big behaviors exhaust me and say that safely somewhere.
You could also consider joining a support group or an online community. We have a great one at
Creating Family at facebook.com slash groups slash creating a family. In addition to that,
we have a post-adoption support group that meets in a smaller setting by Zoom once or twice a
month. And then we have a kinship specific group for kinship and relative caregivers that meets
once a month online by Zoom. And so you can find out more about that by reaching out to info at
creatingafamily.org. You should also maybe consider some professional support for safe spaces to
share and build your skills, a therapist or a parent coach or a parent coaching group,
and find somebody that is adept and competent in these issues of trauma and adoption and prenatal
substance exposure. I want to remind you in closing that you are not alone. I want to remind you
that you have the resources available to you to handle this. You are not without help.
And I want to remind you that you deserve self-care, even when you are in the thick of the hardest
big feelings and big behaviors. Your small changes and your consistency over time will...
out into big shifts and big growth for your whole family. Don't forget to celebrate your small
wins. Don't forget to take care of yourself along the way. And Allison, thank you for listening and
for sharing your question with us. I'm sure that many other parents and caregivers listening to
this have had similar challenges or similar experiences. Listeners,
if this resonated with you, please find the spot on your podcast player that offers the opportunity
to respond to us. In YouTube, it's in the show notes. In the other podcast players, it's a little
button that you can click. We want to hear from you. Did this resonate? Did this not resonate? What
are you struggling with? Where are your challenges right now? Wherever you are listening to your
podcasts, be sure to tune in to our regular hour-long guest expert interviews.
that come out on Wednesdays. Those are other tools that will support you and serve you along the
way. So thank you all for being here, for joining us today, and I will catch you next week.