I'm a Single Mom. How Do I Find Good Male Role Models for My Kids? - Weekend Wisdom

Question: As a single mom, how do I find good role models for my kids?

Resources:

• Finding Male Role Models for Kids of Single Moms
• Creating a Support Network as a Single Adoptive Foster or Kinship Parent
• 1 Yes, 4 S's: How a Post-Adoption Support Group Changed My Life

Transcript

Pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Hi, and welcome to Weekend Wisdom. I'm your host, Tracy Whitney. Weekend Wisdom is
one of the two podcasts from CreatingAFamily .org. The other one is an hour -long
interview format that drops every Wednesday morning, so I hope if you aren't already
a listener, you'll tune in over there. Today's question comes from a listener who
asks us, I'm a single mom, how do I find good male role models for my kids.
If you have a question like this listener about adoption, foster care, or kinship
care, also known as relative caregiving, please consider reaching out to info at
creatingafamily .org and we'll add your question to our cue. So let's head over to
our topic now and talk about male role models for kids that are growing up in a
single parent, single mom home. We're going to start more broadly and then we'll
drill down as
people they can look up to, people they can learn from, people that they can trust.
And when we are intentional about adding positive male role models to the company
that our kids are keeping, it helps them develop confidence,
emotional regulation skills, empathy, healthy social skills, and an openness to other
perspectives and learning from additional sources. These reasons all are true whether
the child's mother is single by choice, whether the child is adopted or in foster
care or being raised by a relative like a grandmother or an aunt. So when we are
exposing our kids to the full spectrum of safe adults around them, we're building
strong connections and capabilities that will serve them well into their identity as
they grow to adulthood. Now let's drill down a little bit and talk about how to
put a network around our kids of strong, safe, male role models.
And the first way to do that is to start with your existing network. Look around
and see who you might already have in your life. That would be your own family if
they are safe and reliable, which would be uncles, grandchildren.
group leader or if your kids are really into music, the worship pastor, things like
that. And then, of course, there's always the parents of your children's friends. And
if you're raising a child as a single mom and your kids are connected to things
like Boy Scouts or the theater group or things like that, then they're making
friends who have similar interests. And it's quite likely that those kids have dads
that are involved. And so that's a great place to look. Another way to get started
on building strong, healthy role models into your children's lives is to look for
community connections. And those can be, again, things like a faith group or a
community organization, temples, the VFW, the Rotary Club, other community mentors,
Boys and Girls Club of America, big brothers, big sisters, any of those organizations
that have that built -in older men teaching kind of a mentality or feel to it can
be great places for your kids to connect with safe, trusted, reliable adult men.
There's also the opportunity to find something like that at a school or an after
-school So a lot of schools offer rec sports or community learning opportunities,
music groups, art groups, theater clubs. Could also be coaches and tutors or program
facilitators. And you could check in with your local school district or the guidance
counselor in your children's building to kind of help you get started on that. And
then, of course, as I mentioned earlier, there are programs that specifically offer
mentoring relationships and they facilitate those mentoring relationships like big
brothers, big sisters, boys and girls clubs. Your local YMCA or YWCA often has some
sort of pairing type relationship going on to help kids find good safe role models.
It's important that you find people that will show up with consistency,
respect for you and respect for your child and a genuine interest in helping your
child grow and develop as they become who they're meant to be. A third thing to
keep in mind when you're looking for safe, healthy role models for your kids is to
be very clear about your values and your boundaries. It's really hard to trust our
kids with somebody that we don't know very well. But if you go into it with a
little bit of work on your front end, you can set up the opportunity for a
relationship that is really meaningful for your children. So looking for safe role
models includes asking a couple hard questions of yourself. Like,
can I trust this person? What are my instincts telling me about this person? kind
of go with your gut, so your comfort with the men in your children's lives really,
really matters. And so you need to figure out, do I feel safe and comfortable with
this adult? You also want to look at their patterns of consistency, look at their
patterns of reliability. Have they shown themselves to be consistent, predictable,
reliable men in other areas of their lives, not just in this relationship with your
child or potential relationship with your child? asked
this happens? Do I want it to be highly facilitated? Do I want it to be organic
and natural? And then finally kind of set some really strong, firm,
healthy boundaries around friendship and mentoring that are age appropriate for your
child, but also ability appropriate for your child because we all know that kids
who've had trauma or neglect or abuse or really hard starts to life can often be
emotionally and socially younger than their chronological age. So you have to set the
boundaries and the expectations that feel right for you and your kid on what's age
and stage appropriate, how much supervision occurs in this relationship and how much
structure occurs in this relationship. For example, if your child has a phone,
it might be wise to consider keeping all the communication between you and the
mentor and not between the child and the mentor. It just gives an added level of
safety and protection, particularly for young children or children that maybe have
some lagging social skills. Remember, you aren't looking for a perfect role model.
You do need a good man or two who can be healthy who can show up in dependable
and reliable ways and be consistent for your child. A fourth thing to consider when
you are looking for a healthy role model for your son or daughter is to create or
co -create mentorship opportunities. I realize that for some parents reaching out for
or asking for help can feel really awkward. And one of the ways to make that
awkwardness kind of decrease is to create a collaborative effort.
Sometimes role modeling happens organically through shared interests like shared
activities on a soccer field or shared community service projects or coaching
projects. You know, if your son is coaching soccer for the little kids and he's got
an overseeing coach that relationship will organically spring up.
For example, ask the dad of one of your kids' friends for help with the big
science project that's coming up and kind of observe what is developing out of that
work on that project and see if maybe that would be a good fit. You could also
ask a local dad to teach your son how to mow the lawn and that might yield a
healthy ongoing level of relationship or mentoring for your son. And number five,
you need to find support for you too. It's really important in the process of
finding support and care and healthy role models for your kids that you don't
neglect yourself in this process. If you are a single parent and you're juggling
things like therapies and school activities and your own job and home life for the
kids and helping create that safe space for your children, your support networks will
matter just as much as mentors and healthy role models do for your kids. So if
you're a single parent, whether by choice or by adoption or foster care or kinship
care, if you're raising a child by yourself, you should look for some parent support
groups, look for post -adoptive or foster care family groups, look for online
communities, get networked in with trusted friends or siblings in your life who are
providing care for their own families that you can kind of just tie into and
intentionally build supportive relationships. The fact is that many parents,
single or otherwise, report that connecting with other adults who understand this
journey that we're on as adoptive and foster and kinship parents can be really
challenging. And when you're a single parent, the challenge level goes up really just
by virtue of the fact that you're doing it all. You're the single parent carrying
the whole load. And so it leaves less time for building those connections with other
adults. We've seen it firsthand in our online big Facebook community group.
We've also seen it firsthand in the in -person and online kinship -focused groups that
we run and the post -adoption support groups that we run. The culture of peer
learning and support creates a space where we parents and caregivers can encourage
each other. And sometimes even just one conversation can change how we show up for
our kids because we're in a safe space with other parents who get it. When we're
raising adopted foster or kinship kids as a single parent, it's even harder,
but it can also be mitigated by that intentional choice to put yourself in
relationship with other parents and caregivers who get what you're going through. When
you have your own supportive community, you can get good ideas from other parents
and caregivers for how to find good role models for your kids, but you can also
just have a safe space to commiserate and talk about how hard it is and what
you're doing to take care of yourself and what you're doing to take care of your
kids. If this is interesting to you, please check out our group at Facebook .com
slash groups slash creating a family. As I said,
as well as for kinship caregivers. And so if you're a single parent looking for
connection, looking for a safe space, start with our Facebook group and then pay
attention for those special invitations that show up in the schedule. In closing,
here's some practical takeaways. I've got just three practical takeaways to kind of
summarize what we just talked about. Number one, start with what you already have.
Look towards your circle of family, friends, and neighbors. Number two, expand that
circle intentionally. Build yourself into relationship with community groups,
mentoring groups, and activities that will help you expand that circle. And then
number three, protect your safety and your values as you grow your circle. Be clear,
have strong, firm boundaries, and trust your instincts as you're looking for male
role models that will support and serve your kids as they grow into their own
identities. Listener, I applaud your intentionality to find healthy role models for
your children as you're raising them as a single mom. Being a single parent, mom or
dad is really hard work. When you look for those healthy connections to support your
child, you are also teaching them resilience, healthy interdependence and a great
model for personal growth as they become adults. And that in itself is a powerful
tool to offer your children. Thanks for listening today. I hope you'll consider
sharing this episode with a single parent in your circle of friends. If you want to
tell us about your adoption, foster, or kinship care journey, we would love for you
to do so. Tap the response link in our show notes, whether you're watching it on
YouTube or you're listening to us on another platform. We would love to hear from
you. So go ahead and hit that response link. And I will talk to you next week.
Thanks for listening.