Understanding Attachment Between Parent and Child

Is the idea of attachment parenting new to you and your family? Or could you use a refresher on what secure attachment is and why it matters? Listen to this conversation with Samantha Farris, LMSW, from the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development. She's helping us understand the basics of building secure attachment between parent and child to strengthen our families.

In this episode, we talk about:

• How would you describe attachment in the simplest, most hopeful way for a caregiver who’s new to the idea of parent/child attachment? Or who may feel overwhelmed by what they’ve heard and are unsure where to start or start over?
• Can you walk us through an overview of the attachment cycle and how it typically develops in infancy and early childhood?
• What are some everyday signs caregivers would see that indicate a secure attachment is developing? (even if it’s not “perfect”)
• Why does attachment matter so much — not just in childhood, but across a person’s lifespan?
• What happens in the brain or nervous system when a child feels securely connected versus chronically disconnected?
• How does adding the practice of being “trauma-informed” change a parent or caregiver’s approach to forging that connection with their adopted or foster child?
• What are the types of experiences or stressors that kids in our (adoptive, foster, relative caregiving) community may interrupt the natural flow of attachment development?
• What are the different attachment profiles or styles, in addition to secure attachment?
• What are three common signs that a child might be struggling with attachment?
• How might attachment challenges show up differently in toddlers vs school-age children vs. teens?
• When a child comes with a history of instability, what helps establish a sense of safety and a foundation of trust? 
• What are three things newly adoptive or foster parents can do to nurture attachment in the early days of meeting or welcoming a child home?
• When a child needs professional help for attachment challenges, what kinds of therapy or supports have you seen be most healing?
• If a parent feels disconnected, what are two things they can do starting today to begin building attachment?
• What is one piece of advice you’d give to a brand-new parent or caregiver who has never had to think intentionally about forming attachment before listening to this?

Chapters

• 1:11 How would you describe attachment in the simplest, most hopeful way for a caregiver who’s new to the idea of parent/child attachment?
• 3:08 Can you walk us through an overview of the attachment cycle and how it typically develops in infancy and early childhood?
• 8:41 What are some everyday signs caregivers would see that indicate a secure attachment is developing? (even if it’s not “perfect”)
• 14:26 Why does attachment matter so much — not just in childhood, but across a person’s lifespan?
• 16:04 What happens in the brain or nervous system when a child feels securely connected versus chronically disconnected?
• 20:12 How does adding the practice of being “trauma-informed” change a parent or caregiver’s approach to forging that connection with their adopted or foster child?
• 27:44 What are the different attachment profiles or styles, in addition to secure attachment?
• 30:09 What are three common signs that a child might be struggling with attachment?
• 36:55 When a child comes with a history of instability, what helps establish a sense of safety and a foundation of trust?
• 44:49 What are three things newly adoptive or foster parents can do to nurture attachment in the early days of meeting or welcoming a child home?
• 47:37 When a child needs professional help for attachment challenges, what kinds of therapy or supports have you seen be most healing?
• 52:51 If a parent feels disconnected, what are two things they can do starting today to begin building attachment?
• 57:35 What is one piece of advice you’d give to a brand-new parent or caregiver who has never had to think intentionally about forming attachment before listening to this?

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Hello and welcome to creating a family, talk about adoption, foster care, and kinship
care. Today we're diving into a topic that is kind of an intro to or an attachment
101 kind of conversation. We're going to revisit some of the basic principles of
attachment. We're going to talk about why attachment matters and how to build secure
attachment with children that might have experienced trauma or neglect or abuse or
prenatal substance exposure, or any of the things that would maybe be inhibiting to
health
what strong nurturing relationships can look like and how we as adoptive foster and
kinship families can get there. So welcome, Samantha. We're so glad to have you with
us today. And we're excited to dive into this topic today. Thank you so much for
having me, Tracy. It's an honor to be here. We appreciate that. How would you
describe attachment in the simplest, most hopeful way for a caregiver who's either
new to the ideas of parent -child
kind of psychological or emotional bond between a child and their caregiver that is
developed through patterned interactions over time. The key word here being patterned.
So we'll talk about this a little bit later, but these patterns can look really
different. There are different types of attachment patterns, which we may or may not
get into later on. But I think fundamentally, when we're talking about attachment,
attachment is really a function of survival. Infants, babies all across the world
from all of history, right, learned the best ways to keep their caregiver or
caregivers close so that those caregivers could keep them safe, right? Keep them
live. So attachment is fundamentally a function of survival and to help that baby
stay close and connected so that they live and develop. And so I think that's
really important to bring ourselves back to is this is a survival function based in
really brilliant adaptations that babies made to stay close and connected to their
caregivers. Sometimes we refer to attachment as a dance between a parent or caregiver
and a child. And again, this is a process that's developed over time through
patterned interactions. So can you walk us through that dance, kind of the attachment
cycle and how it may typically develop during infancy and early childhood? Yes,
absolutely. So in terms of the attachment cycle. Like I said, this can develop in
some different ways. And I think that maybe the easiest way to start is to talk
about what this looks like in kind of an optimal or a secure pattern. So I'd like
to think of attachment. If we think of this circle, right, this kind of cycle,
where at the top, I'll kind of talk about this in reference to my experience with
my toddler. I have one biological child. We've also been foster parents.
And so I have gotten to do this dance a little bit differently with each of the
kids that I've had the privilege to care for. And so I can start with my little
guy who I birthed, who I had the opportunity to do this dance with from the
beginning. And so thinking about this attachment cycle, at the very top,
we have kind of an expression of a need, right? And so for a baby, let's say I'll
call him Baby J, my son, this might be in the middle of the night, right? He
wakes up crying. Let's say he's six months old, okay? So he wakes up crying and
because he has a need, right? He's, let's say he's hungry. So he vocalizes, he
calls out, he cries out. And my job as that caregiver.
If I'm going to respond in this secure way, I'm going to go to my baby.
I'm going to go to baby Jay, right? I'm going to pick him up. I'm going to kind
of reflect back to him how he's feeling. Oh my goodness, buddy, you're hungry.
So I'm going to pick him up. I'm going to bring him close. And I'm going to meet
that need both physically and emotionally. So we have this kind of rich sensory
bath, too. We pick up that baby. We're going to bring them close. We might rock or
bounce. And I'm, of course, going to meet his physical need. And so, okay,
buddy, let's go get a bottle, right? And so we have this serve and return. He's
going to cry. He's going to express this need. His fists may ball up, right? His
cheeks might get red. And what we know is when this need is expressed, kind of at
the top of that attachment cycle, something really profound is happening in the body
and in the nervous system, right? So we have this sympathetic nervous system
activation. So those stress hormones of cortisol and adrenaline are kind of flooding
that baby's brain, right? I'm hungry. I'm cold. I'm scared. Whatever that might be.
And that caregiver is going to come and need that need, right, physically and
instrumentally. So, okay, so I've got baby Jay and I've, you know, fed him.
I've been able to attune to his state, right? Oh, buddy, yeah, you're so hungry.
Okay, here we go. Mama's got you. Okay. Well, then eventually I hadn't been able to
pat him, right, get him back to sleep. Now, in the middle of the night, if your
baby is anything like mine, he was up a lot. So I'm exhausted and but what
happens? and so I lay.
looks like a cry. Not always, right? This can look like a gesture. It can be our
attunement to their other little bodily signals, but let's just say for simplicity,
he cries out again, okay? What do I do? I'm tired. I'm going to go back in there.
I say, oh, buddy, right? I'm so sorry, I forgot to burp you. Make him up again.
I'm going to bring him in close. I'm going to rock, right? There are all these
things that we do, right? We go, shh, shh, pat their little booty, whatever it is.
I actually, as the caregiver, by my warmth, my sensitivity,
my presence, by meeting that need, I actually release or activate the release of
neurotransmitters in his brain, these calming neurotransmitters of serotonin and
dopamine and help his little body say, oh, okay, I'm okay,
right? So this cycle is really all about this need expressed, this need met,
right, and calming of the stress response cycle or this kind of completion of the
stress response cycle. And this pattern, this little dance, right,
this is going to happen hundreds of thousands of times in that first year of life
and far beyond that, right? And so this really establishes the foundation for how we
do relationship, how we approach relationship, and even kind of that neurochemical
balance in our brain. And so maybe in a little bit we can talk about how that
really sets the stage for voice and trust, but we'll get there in a minute. So
what are some of the signs that we could be looking for when those call and
responses are happening, what are some of the signs that a caregiver or parent would
see in, say, that optimal situation that secure attachment is forming? Yes,
that's a great question. So this can look a lot of different ways. Babies and
children, right, have unique temperaments, unique personalities. And so a secure baby
doesn't have to look one particular way. However, what we're going to see in a
secure baby is this kind of healthy balance of exploration and connection.
my emotional needs. And so I can feel confident to go out and explore the world,
right? I can venture out utilizing that caregiver as a secure base because guess
what? When I venture out and something goes wrong because it will, right? I know
who to run back to. Right. Yeah. And I actually got to witness this knowing that I
was going to be having this conversation with you over the holidays, I got to watch
my grandsons venture out and explore the space around them. We were in a, in one
situation, we were in a huge family gathering. And the little guy was in the middle
of this big crowd of all these adults adoring and fawning over him. And he got a
little freaked out. And he immediately started looking for Mama and he crawled right
to her. And As soon as she picked him up and held him close, you could see his
whole body calmed. It was really fun to see that. In light of knowing that this
conversation was coming, it was fun to see that in action and go, oh, there's the
attachment cycle going on in healthy ways. And how many ways, you know, how many
times even in that day or in that hour did that dance happen, the serve and
return? And what we know about secure babies, right, is that when they feel safe,
their attention is toward the environment, the physical environment, the social
environment. How can I explore and master the physical and social world? And then
when they're in distress, their attachment is toward that attachment figure. So we
see this, again, this balance of connection and exploration in a secure baby or
child. We also see this kind of transparency in a secure baby or child.
So this baby has learned over time that my voice matters because even when I cry
in the middle of the night, 30 times my caregiver comes, right? I learn I must be
pretty darn important. I learn to have a voice. I learn I can trust that the
people that I, that are entrusted trusted to care for me are in fact going to meet
my needs, I learn that my full self is acceptable and delightful to my caregiver.
So a secure baby feels confident to express their full range of emotion, whether
they're sad or mad or confused or overwhelmed or,
you know, happy or excited, they feel confident that They can bring that full range
of their inner experience to their caregiver. And so a secure baby or a secure
child, they're transparent. What we see on the outside is what's happening internally.
If they're mad, they're going to show mad. If they're sad, they're going to show
sad. If they're happy, they're going to show happy. And one thing that's really
beautiful, I kind of set the stage for this. But in terms of those repeated, that
cycle that happens over and over, this baby gets the experience of having their
nervous system co -regulated all the time, distress to calm, distress to calm over
and over and over. And so this baby is going to learn, ultimately,
over time, I will be okay. Because I know that my people got me. I know that my
grown have got me. And so eventually that baby might learn to be a bit more
flexible and to delay gratification. And their brains can develop stronger executive
functioning skills, which we hope for all of our kids, right? And thinking through
the impulse control, organizing. There's so many things that go into executive
functioning. But if I have that foundational safety in the lower parts of my brain,
I can eventually develop those stronger skills of kind of flexibility and
responsiveness based on whatever environment I'm in. Let me interrupt for just a
moment to say that we want to hear from you. We would love to know what app
you're listening to today's episode on or where you're from. We want to know where
in your adoption or foster care or kinship care journey you are, what are you most
interested in when it comes to topics around adoption, foster care, or kinship care,
and why you listen here at creating a family, what makes you keep coming back and
listening week after week. If you go to the link in your podcast player or to the
link in the YouTube show notes, you can tell us what you think and tell us what
else you want us to know about you, our listener. This information helps us craft a
path forward, and it also helps us connect to and engage with you, our listeners,
because you are really the ones that matter in this conversation. Thanks so much,
and let's go back to the interview with Sam.
So help us connect a little bit more tangibly than why attachment matters so much,
not just for the infant and their sense of security, but across a person's lifetime
into adulthood. Yes. So what we know about attachment is that it really sets this
blueprint for how we learn to do relationship. And so like I referenced earlier,
there are kind of four patterns or classifications of attachment. So of course, we've
been talking about the secure pattern, but there are other ways that the cycle can
go depending on what pattern we come from. But in each kind of pattern, this is
going to look a little bit different. And what it does, though, regardless of the
pattern, is we learn to do this dance. We learn how we can stay as close and
connected as possible and as safe as possible in relationship. And so based on those
early experiences, our brain is really wiring around those experiences.
We know the first three to four years of brain development really set the kind of
foundational architecture for the brain, not just attachment for many things. But we
learn to kind of internalize what, you know, John Bolby would call like an internal
working model of the world. Right, right. I learn how to approach relationship. I
learn, you know, to perceive the world in a particular way, how to perceive adults
and others in a particular way. And this becomes kind of the way that I mentally
represent relationships based on kind of which pattern I come from.
So moving into the community that we are servicing and supporting,
what happens in the brain or in the nervous system when a child's not securely
attached or is chronically disconnected. Yeah, that's a great question.
And so if you remember that kind of circle or the cycle we are talking about, what
can happen is all of our babies are going to express needs. And when I'm saying
babies, I'm referring to six months old, 16 -year -olds, right? So I'm going to use
baby kind of universe. All the babies. All the babies, whether they're two or 22,
right? So that baby is going to express a need. But what happens,
and again, this is going to look a little different depending on what pattern we're
talking about, what that caregiving history looks like. But let's say that baby
expresses a need and that caregiver either does not meet that need or maybe meets
that need inconsistently or maybe addresses just kind of the physical need,
but maybe not the emotional need. What happens is that our babies can kind of get
stuck at the bottom part of the cycle, right, where that sympathetic nervous system
is activated, adrenaline, cortisol. We have these stress hormones, this activation of
the attachment system. Now, depend again how that meat is met or not met,
our babies might be kind of stuck. They didn't get that completion of that caregiver
bringing that warmth and sensitivity in meeting both those physical and emotional
needs. And so their brain is still having this experience of chronic cortisol and
adrenaline kind of flooding through. Right. And so their little bodies and brains,
we're not able to return to that baseline. And so we can end up with kind of
neurochemical imbalance. So in all of the insecure patterns of attachment,
we often will see anxiety, right? Because again, this is a neurochemical thing. So
this can look a lot of different ways, right? But typically there's underlying kind
of anxiety. And of course, also this impacted ability to trust,
right? Because if I have a need and my caregiver can't meet that need or doesn't
meet that need for whatever reason, I learn, oh my goodness,
like, I can't trust that my grownups are going to respond to me.
And so I might learn, I got to meet my own needs, right? Or I might not have an
organized strategy to ensure that closeness or connection with my caregiver. So I'm
sure we'll get into that and a little bit more. That's kind of a basis. And to
help with the visual that you're describing of the attachment circle, I heard one
professional explain it that the circle is just that, a circle, but when the needs
are not met fully or met consistently or predictably or anything like that,
the circle changes shape. Yeah. And when the child gets stuck in that misshapen
circle, maybe all the weight of it is down here and it's maybe like an egg shape,
it's really hard to kind of write the ship and get things back to circle. Totally.
Because all the heavy stuff is down here in that stuck position. And that visual
never left me because it gave me like that sense of the weightiness of what
happens. You know, when he talked about it as like an oblong with a, you know, the
weight of the egg at the bottom, it really, it struck a chord with me and it
helped me put that in perspective for what the healthy circle that we're shooting
for should look like and that was very helpful. So for those of us who are
listening or watching the podcast and our visual learners, hopefully maybe the visual
of that will help you too. Yes. When we are talking about secure attachment and
helping our kids build that attachment between us, the parent -child attachment
connection, how does the practice of being or becoming trauma -informed,
change our approach to forging those connections with our children. Yes,
deeply. So we talked about how that secure baby internalizes the sense that my needs
matter, and I can trust. Dr. Karen Purpose would say the first year of life, this
is the lesson is I can trust, ideally. Right. Now, for those of our kids who many
of us are caring for, who did not experience that optimal secure attachment cycle
and many of us ourselves, right, may have not experienced that optimal attachment
cycle. If we didn't have that optimal experience, it's going to be really hard for
us to trust that a safe grown up is going to meet my need. It's also going to be
really hard for me to believe that my needs are worth meeting. Right. And so if I
didn't have a voice and I didn't have choice, the way that our baby's brains, all
babies' brains develop is what we call in this egocentric fashion, which sounds like
a negative thing. It's not. It's just how we develop. We interpret external events
as having been directly a result of who we are right and so for the kids that
come into our care who've had histories of separation and or harm there is this
sense that I can't trust right and and and maybe perhaps I might be unworthy of
this care and connection if my bodily and lived experiences have been that,
that my caregivers cannot meet my needs in this predictable, organized way. Yeah,
they take it to mean that it's something about them. Exactly. I'm the fault here.
Yes, yes, exactly. And so if we are going to adopt a trauma -informed lens,
we have to be very developmentally and biologically respectful. We have to move at
the speed of trust, and trust takes time in an optimal,
secure, healthy relationship or attachment, that baby, it takes about 12 to 18 months
with a particular caregiver for that attachment pattern to really be consolidated.
Right. Okay. And so many of the kids that we are caring for experienced disruptions
prior to that time, right? Many of them were not afforded the continuity of a
caregiver for 12 to 18 months. Some of them were, right? So this depends so much
on the child. But we have to be really curious about their attachment history.
And we have to be very biologically respectful because disruptions in attachment,
disruptions in the caregiving system at particular points in time and development are
going to have different implications. So, for example, babies, infants typically aren't
even able to differentiate themselves or recognize that they're a separate being from
their biological mother until about six to nine months of age when the beginnings of
object permanency really start. And so if we experience separation from our biological
mother prior to that point in time, right, that's a really big deal attachment -wise.
That is a profound disruption. So the path forward for that child is going to look
different. Now, if we had a baby who had the opportunity to develop a secure
relationship with a caregiver in that first year of life, and then perhaps that
caregiver suddenly passes away, if that child is able to have another caregiver who
is secure or healthy, right, who allows that child to grieve that loss, this picture
is going to look really different because this baby have learned how to do that
dance of security. And so if allowed to grieve, right, this baby knows that dance
of open -heartedness and communication of their needs. And so I just say that to say
each of us listeners, right, we all have kids with really different stories.
And so the importance of being trauma informed is that as much information as we
are able to have, I know that's not often known. Sometimes we don't know and that's
okay. But as much as we can find out about their attachment history,
who were those caregivers? At what point in development were those connections or
attachments severed, right and that's going to be really critical for for kind of
how we move forward but regardless what we know is the kids who are are coming
into our care at the very least have experienced profound loss and or harm right
and so as the caregivers we have to assume that this is going to take time.
Attachment's not something we're entitled to, which is really hard, right? It's
something that we work for, we fight for, right? And it takes time.
Like I said, it's 12 to 18 months for a secure baby to even consolidate that
pattern. So having this future vision and this ability to say,
okay, they have a unique history. Yeah. I myself have the union.
should look like very loosely, especially while you're still getting to know this
child and understanding how their history prior to coming to your home has impacted
their ability to attach or their capacity for attachment. What are some of the
common signs that we might be looking for to know if our child is struggling with
attachment. Great question. And I should have said this at the beginning. So I'm
going to I'm going to go back here first and say, like I said, there are those,
you know, different attachment patterns. Yes. And so based on what pattern our baby
comes from, you know, what pattern they develop with their caregiver, we're going to
see some different things. So I'll just kind of say that. And I should have said
earlier that none of the patterns of attachment are good or bad, that they simply
are. And they are based in these really
might see. So we talked about the secure, you know, baby, this secure baby typically
will become the kind of secure or free autonomous adult. The confusing thing in the
research is that these patterns have different names in infancy than they do in
adulthood. So if anyone feels confused about that, you are not alone. It gets a
little tricky here. So we have the secure or free autonomous pattern. We have the
anxious avoidant baby, which would be called dismissing in adulthood. We have the
anxious ambivalent baby who would become preoccupied or entangled in adulthood. And
then there's a separate classification that is called disorganized. And this gets a
little tricky because a baby who maybe has some attachment disorganization would also
be given a stable classification underneath. And so I'm not sure we're going to get
into those nuances today, but just know that the disorganization can happen when
there's this harm or threat of harm typically or severe neglect. And so this can
render a child unable to develop kind of organized, predictable strategies to stay
close and connected. Whereas in the other patterns, even if they're insecure,
there's an organized pattern. And so in adulthood, also,
people can also have something that we call unresolved, which can be in regards to
trauma or loss or abuse. And so again, it's kind of a distinct classification that
can co -occur with any of the other underlying stable patterns. So again,
I know It is very nuanced, and so we don't have to dig deep into those. But just
for folks to know that, again, with this attachment cycle, based on whatever pattern
we're in, that dance looks a little bit different based on that pattern. Great.
That's a great way to kind of give that overview. And if people are interested in
learning more, there's certainly many, many resources out there for learning about the
different attachment styles and where you might fit as your history comes to the
table and then, you know, what you might be seeing in a child that you welcome to
your home. So go ahead and talk about some of the common signs that maybe a child
is, is struggling to attach or is not securely attached.
Absolutely. So there are lots of things we can see. I will name a few. So one
thing that we might see is some kind of difficulty orienting to the attachment
figure. So like I talked about the secure baby can venture out and explore the
world and come running back to that caregiver when there's threat or stress. So if
there are difficulties in the attachment process, that baby, that child may struggle
to do that checking back in. And so when they are in distress, they may not seek
the care or the, the nurturance of their caregiver when their attachment system gets
activated. Or, right, this can look like difficulty really receiving that physical and
emotional affection from the caregiver. This might look like kind of indiscriminate
seeking of different relationships, something that we call it, right, like a little
lack of stranger danger. So that child might run up to strangers or other folks so
they're not familiar with. Right. And again, kind of struggling to orient back to
that attachment figure, that primary attachment figure. Yeah. Some parents call it
mommy shopping or parent shopping. You know, when a child's doing it kind of in an
extreme way, just looking to attach to anyone that will help them solve the that
they're feeling inside of course right so they're all of our kids all of us humans
are bidding for connection right we're trying to figure out a way to get our needs
met and again it's pretty brilliant our babies have learned to survive right and and
that's incredible and so of course we know the secure pattern is the healthiest and
so that's what we're going to help to kind of reorganize but this might look like
seemingly kind of contradictory behaviors in the attachment relationship. So this could
This could also look like a child who looks more emotionally reserved, or maybe
there's more of a flattened affect or difficulty with that real intimacy. And so,
again, lots of ways that this can look could be really intense clinginess or intense
aggression and everything in between. It could look like a child who's kind of
dampening their own emotional expression because they learned in their history that
their full range of emotion wasn't acceptable.
as soon as I get close and I start to trust that closeness, they push me away.
And sometimes it's that the closeness feels too threatening to our children. They
don't quite know what to do with it. And sometimes it's because they just don't
have that same expectation for what closeness means that we have.
Exactly. Especially if we're coming at it from the trauma -informed, you know,
healthier perspective of our own secure attachment and we're seeking that we want the
best for our kids. We want the healthiest relationship we can have with our kids.
And then we feel that and it kind of puts everybody off. And again, kids make
those things to mean something about themselves. Absolutely. And so then another
challenge that we might see, especially into adolescence, would be identity issues.
Yes. struggling with self -confidence, struggling with self -esteem, not really wanting
to take responsibility for or accountability for the things that they say or do in
those moments of insecure or anxious attachment, but then feeling like,
well, you should be doing the hard work to come back to a relationship with me.
And it's that, again, push, pull. And I loved the way you said it, you know,
pulling them close and then biting you because that happens when they're teenagers
too. They may not physically bite you, but you pull them close for that moment and
then there's a bite and you can feel it and you notice it and they just don't
know what to do with what all of it they're feeling inside. Yeah. Yeah. I think
too as, you know, foster adoptive kinship caregivers, we live in this paradox of we
represent on.
that if I let myself love you and trust you,
you might leave me and you might harm me because if that has been my lived and
bodily experience, I'm terrified, of course, right? And so I think really stepping
back and saying, wow, like any inkling that I get from my child of them moving
toward me, that is a massive risk that that child is taking. Right,
right. And I will just never not be moved by that. Like that to risk loving and
being loved again after profound harm or loss is just, that just will never be lost
on me. And I hope that that, this recognition for us as caregivers to say,
I have all this love to give, right? I adore this kid. I want the best for this
kid. And I deeply desire this attachment relationship. And we have to remember,
like, this intimacy has historically posed the greatest threat to them. And so I see
that in terms of helping support our own self -compassion, because this stuff is so
hard and to support this compassion for our child, right, who is risking it all.
And so I just think that's always important for us to center and remember. Such a
great reminder. So good. Yeah. So when a child comes to us with that history of
interruption between them and their primary caregiver or that history of instability
or neglect, what are some of the things that we can do to kind of right off the
bat, establish a sense of safety and start laying the bricks for the foundation of
trust? Yes, great, great question. Obviously,
the way that our kids come into our care looks really different. If you have had
the opportunity to know that child before they come into your care or build some
relationship with them prior, that's really ideal. And I know that doesn't often
happen. But if that is possible, I would encourage folks to start slow and to meet
that child in the context of their current caregiver so that there's this bridge
between caregivers and we go slow. We go slow.
Because again, if we could be potentially really terrifying. And even,
you know, sometimes the intensity of our deep desire to connect, the intensity of
the intimacy is too much right away. And so this might look really different
depending on the age of your child. But again, as many reps and as kind of slow
connection as we can build over time prior to placement is ideal. Again,
not often possible if that child comes into your care and it's the first time
you're meeting them in either of those scenarios what we want to do is we want to
lower ourselves into that child's line of vision okay simply thinking power right it
in leveling power dynamics how can i make myself less threatening of course i want
to seek eye contact and be able to reflect warmth and to be like, hey,
hey, buddy, right? I want to be gentle in my tone. I am going to seek eye contact
now. If they reciprocate that, wonderful. If not, that's okay. We go at their pace.
So if they give eyes for a second, great. They look away, we look away. Awesome. I
might have some sort of object or artifact ready. This might be a stuffed animal.
This might be a snack. Think about relating through the senses too. How does our
home environment look? Can I help orient that child to the physical space?
And can I, in the meantime, meet kind of a physical need, right, whether through a
snack or this kind of offering of an object that kind of shared attention to say,
whoa, like, I thought you might like this. I think it's really, really, really
important. This might look different depending on the age. But if we have older kids
with language, right, I think we must say,
right, and acknowledge what their experience might be in that moment. And not that
we assume, but we might wonder and say something like, hey,
buddy, like my name is Ms. Sam and this is this is our house and I imagine this
is probably really, really scary and overwhelming for you right now. And so my job,
right, you know, is going to be to help you feel safe. And I know that's going to
take some time. So I want to kind of show you around our house.
I want to show you some of your things that I have ready for you and where you'll
be staying, right? I want to show you where the bathroom is. I'm going to show you
where the kitchen is. I'm going to introduce you to the people that live here,
right? We have to be willing to name the fear,
the pain, the overwhelm, the sadness, the grief that this child is experiencing,
okay. And not try and fix it. And not try and fix it. Just acknowledge it,
be there with them through it. Exactly. You know, even say, hey, buddy, I know,
this really stinks. Yep. And I'm so sorry that you're going through it.
And I'm just hoping that you'll let us go with you through it. Yeah.
Yeah. And whatever this looks like and for however long you're going to here. You
know, my job is to to keep you safe and to meet your needs the best way possible.
And I, you know, whatever questions you have along the way, right? Like, I'm going
to kind of be your person, right? And that, especially at meeting, that's going to
set a really important stage. Get us off to a start. And again,
this, I keep coming back to this idea of like slow and respectful. I also sort of
laugh at myself when I say that because I know from experience that those first
days feel anything but slow, right? It's the fan and you're off running.
But what I mean in terms of slow and respectful is relationally. It's this
invitation. It's this bridge. I want to learn what that child in,
right? And I'm going to join them and sit with them and let them lead play for 10
minutes, right? I'm going to notice and observe, what do they gravitate to? What are
they moving away from, right? Are there pupils really dilated? Are they scanning
their environment? Again, like I said, we can pretty much assume that this child is
grieving and terrified. And so looking for their unique bodily signals as you kind
of welcome this child into your care over time is really important. And I will add,
it sounds silly and maybe the obvious, but if this is a young person like puberty
age and older, have snacks and water. Absolutely. Lots of snacks,
whether it's homemade cookies or a basket here. Hey, buddy, here's our kitchen and
this is your snack drawer and you can go in and eat whatever you want, whenever
you want. Snacks are on the house all the time. Connecting with kids at that age
and stage when their bodies are just demanding so much fuel. And then this stress
just demands so much more fuel. And it's just so vitally important that we recognize
that and always offer that first as soon as we can in just a warm and gentle way.
Yeah, yeah. And we know that our, you know, our kids will come into our care.
Again, if they didn't have that optimal, you know, secure attachment cycle, the kind
of neurochemical balance in their brain is going to be a little bit different and
maybe more sensitive to spikes in blood sugar and dehydration and sensory processing.
And so I love that idea, Tracy, because we can set up our environment in a way
that is structured and predictable and sensory rich so that we can see what our
kids are gravitating toward and help support their physical body, right? Their
physiological needs while we begin this long -term dance of attachment,
right? Right.
One final interruption to tell you about our library of free courses thanks to the
Jockey Being Family Foundation. If you go to Bitley slash JABF support,
you can see 15 free courses that we offer thanks to the support and sponsorship of
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your family, build your practical parenting skills and give you tools to help you
raise your adoptive, foster, or kinship family. Again, that's EIT .L .L .S .J .J .F.
Support.
So in addition to snacks, what are maybe two or three other really practical things
that a brand new adoptive or brand new foster parent can do or a new kinship
caregiver can do when they're welcoming a child home, say the first couple days.
Real practical strategies. Very practical. Yep. So a lot of folks have probably heard
of the idea of like cocooning, right? Yeah. Yep. Yep. If at all possible, it's not
always possible, but if at all possible, clear your schedule.
Think about that child's perspective, realizing they might be meeting total total
strangers. They might not, right? You might be kinship. You might know this child
deeply. And so that, again, that dance is going to look different. But do your best
to simplify your schedule and create kind of patterned predictable routines.
So we often, visual schedules have been huge in my household, right?
How do we give this kind of sense of predictability for what's going to happen. And
again, it's going to take a long time for our kids to feel safe and trust that
routine. But think as much predictability as I can, that's what I want to give.
And specifically visually, that's going to be really helpful, especially if they're
younger kids, but older kids too. So think like visual schedule of your daily
routine. Think pairing down the social calendar, the work calendar,
if at all possible, to stay home, to simplify. Because this is really a big,
like, observational period. You are, for both of you. Right, right.
How do we do this dance? How do we do relationship?
What kind of food do they eat here? I absolutely would emphasize in those first
days or prior to if you have the opportunity, find out as much as you can about
what is that child like? What do they hate? Right. What foods are they familiar
with? If there's anything familiar, you can loop in. That's going to be really
important. So we talked about snacks, hydration, have some sensory items available
that might look like a platform swing, a trampoline, that might look like fidgets,
that might look like a sit and spin, and kind of cue in and notice. Really,
our kids will show us what they need if we are willing to pay attention. And if
we have the time and space and capacity to deeply attune. Which is why cocooning is
such a great idea. Exactly. Exactly. So those are among some of the few things that
I would recommend. Yeah.
When your child, whether it's a foster child or an adoptive child or a kinship
child, relative that you've welcomed home, like a grandparent, raising a grandchild,
needs additional help for their attachment challenges. What do you recommend families
do? What kinds of therapies do you see most supportive? How does a parent or a
caregiver go about seeking support for that family? Yes, that's a really good
question. I would first, I think it's really important to,
because attachment is diatic, that means it's between two people. The way that they
form and develop attachment relationships with each caregiver is going to look
different, right, based on our own attachment history and theirs. And so first and
foremost, if you are in the process of becoming licensed for foster care or
adoption, you're in the early phases of adoption, I would really recommend you take
some time reflecting on your own attachment history. You know, how did your
caregivers attune to and respond to your needs, both physically and emotionally,
how did I learn as the caregiver, you know, when I was a child, how did I learn
to express my full range of emotion or not, right? Or how did I learn to negotiate
my needs or not? Right. How did I learn to seek relationship and distress?
Yeah. or not. And And so that is a really critical first part of this attachment
dance because the attachment pattern of the caregiver has a heavy influence on the
pattern that that child develops with you specifically. And so this is the hardest
work. I'm just going to say it right now. This is the hardest work. Self work is
the hardest work. And so I think it's really critical so that we're not thinking,
I'm going to send my kid to therapy and they're going to fix their attachment
stuff, right? That's not realistic. That's not going to happen. So, like, first,
think my own work. So that might be seeking individual and or couples therapy.
If you have a partner with a therapist who specializes an attachment, there are a
lot of wonderful resources that I think you'll get to Tracy, but also, so think
that me work first and then think diatic. Okay. So, so again,
we can't send our kid to therapy and hope they're going to get better attachment
-wise, right? Unfortunately, right, we got to be part of the process.
And so think methods like therapy, okay? Think TBRI.
That's probably not a surprise, given where I work, right? But think infant parent,
child parent, psychotherapy, you know, think Circle of Security, just a few. But the
thing I want to hit heavy on is emphasizing the dyad or that specific relationship.
Because you're going to need help and support recognizing this new baby's cues. You
didn't have that experience with them from the beginning to know, oh, this little
wiggle means they're hungry, or this cry means their diaper is dirty versus this cry
means they need me because they're cold, right? We can do that thing of
differentiating these signals when we've had that early history. And so it's okay.
You're going to need help to understand and decode some of those cues that this
child is going to have when they're trying to get their needs met through your
relationship with them. I would add that when you are seeking therapy for an older
child, especially if they're new to your family or new to relationship with you, be
very respectful of the fact that they may not want you in that therapy room,
especially not to start. And that's okay. Yep. Because, yes, the diatic element of
that is crucial. It's so important that we have that support for both of us as
we're building this relationship. But it's also really important that they have a
safe space. It is. But I would also add to that, it's really important to look for
a therapist who does support that and will, especially when there's an attachment
wound, turn the child back to the parent, turn the child back to the parent over
and over again, which is why family therapy and parent child therapy is so
important. We do have a
included a link to a directory where the therapists identify as adoptees and practice
from that perspective, which I really appreciate as I've now got adult children who,
you know, want to hear from adult adoptees and feel that connection there. So, yeah,
so we'll link that in the show notes. Awesome. So you mentioned that adoption is a
two -way street, meaning that we also need to feel attached to the child as the
child is feeling attached to us. What are some of the things that we can do to
kind of overcome that sense of disconnection? And again, some of it goes back to
that self -work. But what are some of the practical things that we can do as
parents to kind of overcome that sense of disconnectedness that may be on our side
of the relationship? Sure. Yes. such a profound one.
caregivers that we can do for ourselves to support our availability to our kids,
our emotional availability, is finding our folks who have similar lived experience and
can continue to affirm both our preciousness and the preciousness in our child and
name and identify the remarkable effort that both of you are making in that
relationship. And so that experience, you know, I know just personally in my own
journey, it's been really important for us to center the voices of former foster
youth and of adult adoptees as well as seeking professional help from folks with
lived experience as either or both, you know, adult adoptees,
former foster youth and or foster adoptive kinship parents because that that shared
space of being witnessed, being seen,
being held psychologically, right? That experience of I'm not alone in this thing is
going to help keep my heart open toward my child and help sustain the bumps and
the roller coaster that is inherent to parenting. That would be one thing is just
encouraging those safe connections. Another thing I would recommend is really
structuring up your own, like, micro moments of self -care.
Okay. So I know you've talked about this Tracy and prior episodes of like, this
doesn't mean, it could mean, but doesn't have to mean like a massage or a spa day.
Those are wonderful. If you have the resources and the space to do it, go for it.
But what I mean is, okay, I am going to get up two minutes before I usually do
to take five deep breaths before I hear my kids footsteps, right?
Before I start the day. This means I have a water bottle next to me at all times,
right, to support my own hydration. This means I am feeding myself every two hours
too, healthy protein, healthy fats, right? Helping, thinking really basic,
but like structuring up your own rhythm of those micro moments of self -care that
are really essential and that are sustainable, Right. And so every time I go to the
bathroom, I'm going to take three deep breaths, right? I'm going to post a mantra
on my mirror, on my refrigerator that says, Sam, you are the adult now,
right? You get to decide how this thing goes down. Right. It might be something
like, I'm a good mom. I got this. Right. It might be, I'm the adult and it's my
job to regulate, right? Whatever that script looks like for you, put it somewhere
you can see it so that I can adult today. I can adult today, right? Like,
exactly.
I hold the multitudes, you know, whatever that that is, or I'm still learning.
That's my favorite mantra in my household is, is I'm still learning. And So those
mantras, those scripts, structuring your own environment to set you up for as much
neurochemical balance as possible, again, knowing this is the long haul,
this is a journey. And so a couple of those things, those safe spaces where you
feel seen and held and deeply understood that can affirm the preciousness of you and
your child and structuring up your own rhythms of micro moments of self -care.
Yeah.
What is one piece of advice that you would give to a brand new parent or caregiver
who has never had to think intentionally about forming attachment? And I'm speaking
mainly of, say, families that are blending biological children with foster or adopted
or, you know, welcoming a grandchild or a niece or nephew into their home. And so
they've done
would give is this understanding that relational trauma can only heal in the context
of healthy relationship. So continuing to remind yourself of that is really critical.
And this beautiful way that we were designed as human beings to develop,
it's called like the neurosequential model, right, of development where things develop
kind of in a certain order. And so we know that trauma can
the development of function. And so in really, really practical ways,
we can realize how our kids are showing us, maybe what they missed early on,
and we can go back. So my advice would be, don't be afraid to go back to the
beginning and meet that need. So if we have a four -year -old who is wanting to be
held and rocked and drink from a bottle, do it. Awesome. Go there. Don't be afraid
of that kind of regression. We want to both notice what our kids are showing us,
right? And be willing to meet them at that place at that developmental stage in
real time. And this might look really weird or really funny to your average person
who's watching. And I will just say from a neurodevelopmental lens from a relational
neuroscience lens you have my permission not that you need it but to go back to
the beginning to again at their pace at their capacity go back and rock those
babies if they're seven rock them to sleep right if you can if they'll let you if
not you sit on the floor and rock them in the rocking chair right that's what we
did with some of our kiddos yeah so don't be afraid to to to go back in order to
move forward and that can look really practical and really tangible and they will
show you i promise that's great advice so good i think i would add to that piece
of advice not to be afraid to be curious and then follow the curiosity even if it
feels like a rabbit trail might just be really surprised what you uncovered.
feels like it's really important. So I'm going to put my anxiety and stress aside
for just now. I'll deal with it in a little bit. But I want to stay on this
track of curiosity. And I want to wonder about what's going on and why they're
behaving this way. Yes. Yes. All behavior is communication. Yeah.
Yeah. A reflection of an unmet need or a lagging skill or a problematic system. And
yeah, that that curiosity is going to take us a long way, a really long way. Yeah.
Well, Samantha Ferris, thank you so much for your time and your curiosity and your
willingness to give us this overview of what the attachment cycle looks like and how
to step into it and help mitigate and remediate and lead our kids towards healing.
Understanding the attachment cycle is really good for anyone who's raising a kid,
but it's even more imperative for those of us that are raising kids who've
experienced trauma. And so understanding it and then learning some of these practical
strategies to get that secure circle back on track for our kids' benefit has been.
It's been a great conversation and I really appreciate it. Yeah. Thank you so much
Tracy. I appreciate it too.