When and How to Tell My Child About Their Conception Story - Weekend Wisdom

Question: How to talk to your child about their conception story when embryo donation/embryo adoption is involved in forming your family?

Resources:

• Embryo Adoption (Resource Page)
• Suggested Books for Children Conceived Through Embryo Donation
• Disclosing Donor Conception to Our Kids (podcast)

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Welcome to Weekend Wisdom. My name is Tracy Whitney, and I am the content director
for creating a family. We bring you two podcasts every week. One is an hour -long
format that drops on Wednesdays, and it's an interview with an expert in the field
to strengthen your family. This podcast, however, is a shorter podcast,
and it's very practical based on questions that our listeners send us. We had a
listener write in and ask for guidance on how to talk to their kids about their
conception story because embryo donation was involved in forming this family.
So whenever embryo donation, surrogacy, or any other third party reproduction is
involved, it's a topic that can make parents feel very unsure or nervous or
overwhelmed, kind of not really sure where to start, how to start, what to say.
And I want to start by saying the good news is that you, listener, are not alone
in this question. So let's get into kind of what parents want to talk about,
how to talk about it, and when to talk about it. So most parents worry about when
to tell how much to say and what if the child asks questions that the parents
aren't ready to answer yet. And the good news about this is, in addition to not
being alone on this topic, there doesn't have to be one big, scary conversation
around these issues. In fact, it's probably important to remember that sharing their
story of conception is a process, not a singular event. When a child has been
conceived through third -party reproduction, they deserve to know their story, just
like we say in the adoption and foster community that our kids deserve to know
their adoption story or their foster story. Children, conceived by donor conception of
any kind, deserve to know their whole story. We know from decades of family research
that secrets are damaging, even if they're kept with the very best of intentions.
And to be sure, we don't ever assume that parents have, you know, negative
intentions for keeping secrets. But we want to make sure that parents also know that
secrets can be harmful for children's sense of self and sense of their story and
their context. So if a child senses that something important is being withheld from
them, it's important to know that they would make that mean something about
themselves. And kids don't necessarily make that mean something good about themselves.
They tend to make it feel, make it be something shameful or guilty about themselves.
And the truth of the matter is they are eventually going to find out one way or
another, even if we choose not to tell them. So that could be a family member
making a joke or an underhanded comment. It could be a high school genetics lessons,
you know, when they do those graphs and charts in high school science classes, or
it could be a DNA test that they take without you knowing about just for fun. So
when our children learn the truth about their conception accidentally or later in
life, the pain very often comes not from how they were conceived or how they joined
your family, but from not being told sooner. And your child's conception story isn't
shameful. You know that. We adults know that. It's the story of how deeply wanted
and longed for this child was, but kids don't know that. And so they need to be
told. There tends to be two different ways to approach the telling of this story.
And so we're going to talk about those two different ways. The first one is
referred to as seed planting. And that's the act of telling them early and telling
them often the story in age -appropriate ways of how they came to join your family.
So this would begin when they're very, very young. Even toddlers, however old your
child might be when you sit them on your lap and read them a book, as early as
you can, start telling them the story of their life, their conception, how they
joined your family. So you start with very simple, loving explanations, and you add
the details in layering them as the child grows, kind of like you're layering a
foundation for a house. So at the youngest ages, the story might sound like,
we wanted you very, very much, or we needed help from a doctor, or a very kind
donor helped us make you. And they don't have to understand this information as much
as they have to understand the tone and the openness with which you are sharing the
information. So yes, a young toddler is not going to understand that a kind donor
helped us make you. But you're focusing on your tone and getting comfortable with
the language and you're focusing on making them feel like they belong and that they
are loved and that they are cherished. The seed planting method has several
advantages. Number one is that your child will never remember a time that they
didn't know their story. The second is that the information feels very normalized and
non -dramatic. And a third benefit is that the parents, we parents,
get lots of practice over the years of telling early and telling often about how to
have conversations about difficult topics in kind of low pressure ways.
It's pretty low pressure to sit in a rocking chair and read a story or tell a
story to a child. So the second approach that parents can consider taking or often
consider taking is waiting for the child's right time. Some families want to know
that the child is older and better able to understand the biology and the
relationships and the emotions involved in this story. And if that's the approach you
choose, it's really important to focus on your child's developmental readiness,
not just their age or what the textbooks say should be their developmental readiness.
So you'll want to ask yourself a couple questions. First, can my child understand
basic cause and effect. Second, can they handle emotional information without becoming
overwhelmed? And third, do they already ask pretty insightful,
thoughtful questions about the human body, about their body, about families and family
dynamics or reproduction? And you are the only one that will know the answers to
those questions that will require that you be very observant and very curious about
the stage and age that your child is at and their readiness for this information.
If you wait, be mindful not to wait too long. While it's never too late to tell,
disclosure is often easier when our kids are younger and more flexible in their
ability to handle information about their identity. No matter the age of the child
when you're telling this information. The basic ingredients of the story need to stay
the same. We wanted you very, very much. We had trouble getting pregnant. We got
help from doctors and from a donor. And we are so happy that you finally came home
and joined our family. It's super important that you start really simple. Don't over
tell. And then don't share every single detail in that very first conversation. Your
kids need to absorb the information gradually and the questions will come in
role in their life. This helps children clearly delineate and understand who their
parents are and always leave the door open for more questions or more curiosity on
their part. You can say something like, that's probably enough information for today,
but you can ask me questions anytime. I expect you'll have more as you think about
it or as you grow, and I'm here to answer any of those questions. One of the
easiest and most effective ways to start any of these conversations, whether it's the
seed planting method or the waiting for the child's developmental age and stage, is
to use children's books. We love children's books here at creating a family.
We think they're a great way to normalize any of these hard conversations that we
have to have with our children. It normalizes donor Conception by seeing another
character in the book, living the life like theirs, takes the pressure off the
parents to get the words just right because the author's done the words for you in
the book. And it also invites natural child -led questions, things that they think of
when they see the characters on the page or when they hear the words that you're
reading out loud to them. So you could read a book together and say something like
families are made in lots of different ways. This story is part of our story too.
Or our story is very similar to this raccoon's story with his family.
Kids love books with animals who are taking that central role that your child would
take. Books allow our kids to process this information at their own pace with the
visual supports that kind of cue their memory and cue the layering of information
that you've been doing. Books also give us and our child a shared language that we
can keep returning to over and over and over again as we're fleshing out the
details while they grow and while they grapple with what information they're
processing. It's real important to think about what your kids might be thinking
about. So let's cover some of the common concerns a child might have as you're
telling them their story in whatever method you choose. Number one, what if I want
to meet my donor? And it's important that parents recognize that this question is
more about curiosity than it is about replacement. They're not trying to get a
different parent out of the conversation. They just want to know What if?
So answer the honestly based on what you know. If identifying information about the
child's donor exists, the answer could be yes someday. Or maybe we could look into
it. If donor information is not available, you could say something like maybe and
it's kind of complicated right now, but we can talk about it as you get older.
Either way, it's really important to reassure your child that you'll support them in
answering some of those questions for themselves. Another concern that you might face
is a child who doesn't ask any questions. And it's really important that you know
that just because they're not asking questions doesn't mean they aren't thinking about
it. Children often take their cues from us. And if the topic feels uncomfortable to
us, then it's probably going to feel uncomfortable to broach for our children. So we
want to make sure that if our kids are staying silent on the topic, we're kind of
leaving a back door open for them to venture into it and express their curiosity
without any judgment or shame or fear of how it might make you feel. Checking back
in with these kids matters deeply. Bring it up gently and occasionally,
hey, remember how we talked about the way that you were made? Do you have any
other new questions? Or I wonder how you feel about that story we read the other
day. Do you feel like it connects to your story at all? Opening the door to that
curiosity and that wondering helps them realize it's okay to ask you questions.
It's really important that you remember that their story belongs to them. So pose
these conversations at home with your child in a sense of openness and love and
safety and offer them the conversation from a strength, a position of strength,
not confusion. But it's also okay to let them know that this is their story and
they can guard it however they want to or need to. None of this has to be done
perfectly. That's the good news, in addition to the fact that you're not alone. None
of this has to be done perfectly. You just have to do it. And you have to do it
honestly and gradually and gently and with your child's needs at the center of every
conversation that you approach. And again, it's not just one conversation. It's a
process of learning the information and grappling with it and then kind of going to
the next level with it. We hope that this helps our listener navigate their child's
conception story. If you have questions about adoption or foster care or kinship
care, send an email to info at creatingafamily .org with weekend wisdom in the
subject line. We love hearing from our listeners. We love finding ways to strengthen
your family with practical advice. And our bank or stash of weekend wisdom questions
is getting a little low. So we would love for you to bring us some new questions
and we will bring you support that's relevant and strengthening for your family.
Thanks for listening and I'm looking forward to seeing you next week.