How to Talk with Our Kids About the Difficult Parts of Their Stories

Talking about the difficult parts of our child's story, like abuse or prenatal substance exposure, can be overwhelming. Kelly Weidner, the co-founder and Executive Director of Haven Adoptions & Family Services in Ambler, PA. She has 28 years of experience in foster care, residential care, and adoption, which will help us navigate these challenging conversations with our kids.

In this episode, we discuss:

• What kinds of issues do we mean when we say “difficult parts” of a child’s story? What are some of the everyday challenging conversations that adoptive parents must tackle?
• Why is it necessary to introduce these potentially painful, complex issues to our kids?
• Why are parents reluctant to talk about these issues?
• What steps should adoptive parents take when choosing to start these conversations? Where do they start?
• What is a Lifebook, and how can parents use them to introduce and build on the story as their child grows?
  • What should be included?
  • How does a Lifebook differ between the types of adoption?
  • What if your child wants to bring their Lifebook to school or show it to people outside the family?
• What language can you use with young children to lay the groundwork for later, with more details filled in as they grow?
• How would a parent start the conversation about being conceived during a rape or abusive relationship, across several ages or stages, to build understanding?
• As another example, should we tell our kids about abuse or neglect that happened to them if they don’t remember it? How?
• Should you tell a child that her birth mother’s use of drugs or alcohol during pregnancy might be the cause of their learning disabilities? 
• How do you help your child understand how much of his story he should share with others outside the family?
• What if you don’t believe the birth mother’s story of what happened? 
• What if you don’t know the details of what happened, just that something “big” did happen?
• How can adoptive parents help their children understand that they are more than the difficult parts of their history and that they are not doomed to repeat their birth parents' mistakes?
• What are some practical tips for supporting our kids after we’ve had to share hard-to-hear information?

Resources:

• Suggested Books for Adoptive Families
• Using Lifebooks to Explain Complex Issues in Adoption to Kids
• Building the Framework for Adopted & Foster Children to Process the Hard Parts of Their Stories

Chapters

• 1:05 What kinds of issues do we mean when we say “difficult parts” of a child’s story? What are some of the everyday challenging conversations that adoptive parents must tackle?
• 3:12 Why is it necessary to introduce these potentially painful, complex issues to our kids?
• 4:19 Why are parents reluctant to talk about these issues?
• 7:45 What steps should adoptive parents take when choosing to start these conversations? Where do they start?
• 11:11 How can parents normalize these types of conversations ahead of time?
• 15:39 What is a Lifebook, and how can parents use them to introduce and build on the story as their child grows?
• 20:24 What if your child wants to bring their Lifebook to school or show it to people outside the family?
• 23:30 What language can you use with young children to lay the groundwork for later, with more details filled in as they grow?
• 26:12 How would a parent start the conversation about being conceived during a rape or abusive relationship, across several ages or stages, to build understanding?
• 28:06 As another example, should we tell our kids about abuse or neglect that happened to them if they don’t remember it? How?
• 32:17 Should you tell a child that her birth mother’s use of drugs or alcohol during pregnancy might be the cause of their learning disabilities?
• 37:20 How do you help your child understand how much of his story he should share with others outside the family?
• 40:33 What if you don’t believe the birth mother’s story of what happened?
• 42:58 What if you don’t know the details of what happened, just that something “big” did happen?
• 45:20 How can adoptive parents help their children understand that they are more than the difficult parts of their history and that they are not doomed to repeat their birth parents' mistakes?
• 47:03 What are some practical tips for supporting our kids after we’ve had to share hard-to-hear information?

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Raising an adopted child who has experienced trauma, abuse, neglect, or prenatal
substance exposure means learning how to talk to them about the hard things that
happened before they joined your family. These conversations can feel really
challenging for families to consider, and parents often feel overwhelmed about what to
tell their kids, when to tell their kids, and how to support their kids once
they've learned the information that a parent has to share. Welcome to Creating a
Family, talk about adoption, foster care, and kinship care. I'm Tracy Whitney, the
content director for Creatingafamily .org, and the host of both of Creating a Family's
weekly podcasts. I am joined today by Kelly Weidner, who will help us navigate these
difficult conversations with our adopted children. Kelly is the co -founder and
executive director of Haven Adoptions and Family Services in Ambler, Pennsylvania. She
has 28 years of experience in foster care, residential care, and adoption services.
Welcome, Kelly. We're so glad you joined us today. Thank you. Thank you so much for
having me. So let's start with a brief overview of some of the things that adoptive
parents would consider to be difficult parts of their child's story. What are some
of the challenging conversations adoptive parents are tackling? Sure.
I mean, conversations are going to be based on a variety of factors, but generally
a lot of adoptive parents see questions arise about why a child was placed for
adoption, information about their birth family, and then as they get older, more
details about their past. It's going to depend a lot on how old the child was when
they were placed or adopted, as well as, you know, what their past stories could
potentially look like. So as a child begins to feel safer in their adoptive home,
and that could take years for them to get to that place, right? They are going to
generally open up more about their past trauma. And then that goes into sharing
details. That can be incredibly difficult for adoptive parents to hear. So what are
some of the specific difficulties that adoptive parents may have to share that maybe
the child has not had fleshed out or explained to them before? Yeah.
So the choices around why their parents maybe voluntarily chose adoption,
addiction is a big part of a lot of children's stories. And if a child was older,
when they were placed in care and adopted, it could be surrounding neglect,
physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, as well as, you know, again,
addiction is a big part of a lot of children's stories and choices that their
parents made while struggling with active addiction. It's also pretty common to hear
about birth parents or have to tell your child about a birth parent's incarceration,
or maybe some circumstances that are challenging to talk about around the child's
conception, such as violence or rape, again, that prenatal substance exposure for a
child with its birth mother. Why are these even necessary topics that we should
consider introducing to our children? That's a great question. I mean,
our children are sponges. They take in everything around them. They hear and see, I
think, more than we think they do. And those memories of abuse and trauma could be
in them, even if they don't outwardly recognize and remember them.
So it's really important as these memories surface that they have a safe space in
their adoptive home to talk about it and process what happened. You know, children
who have experienced trauma, we know their amygdal of their brains is much larger
than children who have not experienced trauma, so they are on more high alert and
taking in even more. And inevitably, at some point, you know,
it is really important for the child to understand their history. And that does
unfortunately include a lot of, like you said, like really painful, complex issues
that stemmed from, you know, again, violence, neglect, addiction,
things like that. And I think I know the answer to this, but for our listeners,
why are some parents so reluctant to introduce these topics or to give the child
the full story? Fear, right? I mean, fear is often a factor in our reluctancy to
talk about any difficult issues, fear of answering wrong, fear of sharing too much,
fear of how the child is going to respond, and fear of what it's going to do to
their relationship, you know, a child responding with, why did you tell me this? I
didn't want to know this, you know, versus or how again it's going to impact their
relationship. We are, you know, as a mom myself, you know, we're mama bears and we
are very protective of our children. and that scary.
protection are two of the main reasons. I think another reason that I see is just
that unwillingness to strip innocence away from a child. And I think sometimes we
forget if they lived it, if they experienced it, they've already had their innocence
impacted. And it's up to us to flesh out that story in a way that they can cope
and process, but then also learn how to overcome or heal.
Sure. And that guarding of their innocence is crucial and important.
It's a very vital role in parenting, but if they've already had their innocence
impacted, we have to look at these conversations as an opportunity to kind of go
back and reframe so that they can heal. Yeah. And it's going to depend a lot on,
you know, where they are emotionally, mentally, physically. You know, one of my
favorite quotes of Glenn and Doyle is we can do hard things. And that's the purpose
of parenting, right, is to teach our children. It's not easy. It's not all going to
be easy. But we can do hard things. and we are doing them every day and to
empower children to know that and to be able to face that with the proper support
for sure. I want to interrupt this conversation for just a moment to let you know
that we want to get to know you better. Please use the link in your podcast player
or in the YouTube show notes to tell us who you are and maybe let us know what
your adoption story or your foster care story or your kinship story has been like
thus far in your journey. We also want to know where you listen to creating family
podcasts and what topics would you like to hear more about to equip your family and
strengthen your parenting skills. What kinds of things keep you coming back every
week to listen to our two podcasts over and over and over again? If you use the
link in your podcast player or in the YouTube show notes to introduce yourself, we
will use the information we learn from you to help improve what we're doing. And we
cannot wait to hear from you. And so let's go now back to our conversation with
Kelly.
So what are some of the foundational steps that adoptive parents should consider when
they know that it's time to start these conversations? Like where do they start.
Yeah, so that's a big question. It is a big question. You know,
when facing any difficult conversation with children, it's important for parents to
process their own feelings first, right, to make sure that they are able to put
aside their own judgment. Because again, as a parent, you hear these really difficult
stories about your child and what they went through. It is impossible not to be
judgmental, right, and to become protective. So putting those feelings of judgment
aside first in order to be able to come to the conversation with the child with an
open heart and an open mind. I always say any difficult conversation should start
with connection and a huge TBRI fan. So connecting with the child is imperative
because if you don't have a connection at that moment, the conversation is not going
to be nearly as beneficial as it would if the child is locked in with you and
connected. You know, the other thing I think is important for families to keep in
mind, too, is like, what works best for the child? Sometimes those big, like, let's
sit down and talk, conversations can be way too overwhelming for a child. So
depending upon what you're talking about, it might mean going for a walk, chatting
over dinner, and the conversation might need to be more casual. If it is a bigger
conversation, I always encourage.
It's really important that you be doing that groundwork kind of underneath the
surface of how you're handling what you're doing with your child. And I think the
other thing that's really important is knowing your child's ability and not focusing
on their chronological age and what educational experts or mental health experts might
say is developmentally appropriate for this age, but understanding what's
developmentally appropriate for your child. Because it's a really wide range in
typical children, but when you have a child who's been impacted by trauma or loss
or abuse or neglect, that range is different even for them. So knowing yourself and
knowing your child are two of the really their foundation the steps. I always
encourage foster parents as well as adoptive parents to have their own therapist that
they are able to process with because you're absolutely right. Those triggers that
can pop up at any time, unfortunately, can really negatively impact a conversation
that could be really important for the child. Can you give me a suggestion or two
for how parents can normalize conversations about adoption in general in their homes
so that when it does come time to have one of these hard conversations about that
child's specific adoption story, the children kind of already have that normalization
of adoption is normal in our family. I mean, if we're talking about a child who
was adopted from birth, you know, the, there should never be a,
oh, this is when we're going to sit down and have this big conversation, right? The
best answer a child can give is when did you find out you were adopted is, I've
always known. You know, you're teaching your child about adoption just like you're
teaching them about your parents and grandparents and, you know, the ins and outs of
daily living. So it should be a topic that is covered from the get -go and always
age appropriate. Right. So for the little guys, you know, you grew in somebody
else's belly, but you grew in our heart. There's so many wonderful children's books
out there to talk about adoption and to talk about their story. And you're just
always leaving the door open to have conversations. If you have any questions,
you know, we can always talk about it. You don't want to push too hard, right?
Like, it's not like, do you understand you were adopted? It just needs to be a
very natural conversation. And then for children who are older and adopted, you know,
through the foster care system and obviously know their story because they remember
when they moved into the home for the first time, it's going to be the same thing.
It's going to be leaving that door open to talk about any questions or topics that
they want to talk about from their past as well as, you know, being open and
honest about what adoption is. So you mentioned using books with kids. We are huge
fans of children's books to help introduce hard topics and new family members and
things like that. So we have some great, and I'll link them in the show notes. We
have some great book lists for talking about adoption with your kids. I think it's
always helpful to, especially when they're young, introduce kind of that third party
perspective. So if you're reading a book about a little animal who starts to
understand their adoption story, it's easier for the child to kind of put themselves
in the story because this very non -threatening, cute, fuzzy animal or whatever is
kind of telling the story. And they can relate to and identify with that. But I
think it's also really important as our kids get older to keep adding to our
library. So adding books, adding music, adding movies that center adoptive voices or
that have, you know, a main character that's experienced foster care or adoption in
healthy and positive ways and not always showing just the positive, but showing them
what's out there that represents adoption and foster care in society and characters
that they can see themselves in. And just making that part of your family's regular,
diverse library of media that's available to your children. I think those are also
helpful tools for normalizing. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, with, you know, one of the
hardest things for a child is to have that feeling of, I'm alone. I'm the only kid
I know that was adopted. I'm the only kid I know that's in foster care. And so
for families to be able to connect with other families who have adopted children,
who have children in foster care is especially crucial. But these books and movies
do that too. It's like, Oh, like, I'm not alone. I'm not the only kids that's been
in foster care or is in foster care. Yeah. I mean, we all want that, right? None
of us want to feel like we're alone and experience and whatever hard thing we're
facing. We want to know that there's other people that have done it and gone
through it and succeeded through it. Absolutely. Yeah. And that's the benefit, too,
like for older children who have access to, you know, the internet and they can
look out and see, oh my gosh, there are so many other people out there that are
like me, whether that means they're like me with the anxiety I face or the
depression I'm struggling with or, you know, my circumstances of life. Right,
right. Another thing about books that I'd love to talk about is life books or
scrapbooks that tackle the topics that may be hard to talk about with our kids,
adding information to those books as the child grows and in age -appropriate ways.
So let's kind of pull that back a little bit and tell us what a life book is and
how parents can use them effectively to talk about these difficult parts of a
child's story. Absolutely. So life books were created as a resource for the child to
know their history before they were adopted. So oftentimes it's during the child
preparation process. And what that is is when a child is in foster care and the
goal is moved towards adoption. The state provides support resources for the child to
really prepare their next stage of life, right? Like what does adoption look like?
What does this mean for me? And in that process, you're also answering a lot of
questions from their past too. Like, where did I come from? Where am I going? So
when the worker puts this, like, book together with the child, they're really helping
them understand their story and also where they're going. You know, what this future
looks like. I always say to families, I mean, imagine living in your home and
wondering, I don't know if I'm going to be in this home in a month or six months
or a year. And how devastating that would be as an adult. Our kids do this all
the time in care. So this is a really great opportunity for them to say, okay,
I'm finding my forever. This is going to be my forever. And in that, I'm going to
talk about my story. And it's going to help them grow in their self -esteem and
their self -worth by looking at all their strengths and accomplishments that the life
book is going to entail to really, it's all about them and we have a lot of
children who just have never had that right we've never had someone say okay let's
make this all about you yeah so talk about how a life book might be beneficial for
someone who did private infant adoption yeah and very similar in the way of which
you're going to include memories that they're not going to remember but are still a
part of their story, right? So we love to use, there's a lot of actually really
great story books right now where you can record your voice and we'll have birth
moms, you know, do that for the child. And in similar ways, so a lot of our life
books have become a little bit more interactive. So they might include not just
pictures, but videos, but that can include their birth certificate. They're a picture
of the hospital that they were born in, a letter from their birth mom, a letter
from their worker when they were born, a letter from their parents about the day
they were born. It's all going to be the same thing. It's encompassing their history
and their story. So families that are interested in lifebooks can go on a search
site like Amazon and just type in life books, but you don't have to have the pre
-made template that those offer, you can create your own just in a simple scrapbook
and just kind of do a chronological laying out of the child's story. And as the
child grows, then you can start to add the more difficult information and be more
transparent about the details of information that they deserve to have as they're
growing. Right. Yeah, going off the premise of, you know, more people to love a
child is never a bad thing, right? So for them to be able to have that connection,
especially if they have an open adoption with some of their biological family and
including in that pictures, you know, I mean, a lot of our open adoptions, they
have multiple visits a year. And so including pictures of their birth mom holding
them, right, as a baby. They're not going to remember that, but it's part of their
story. Creating family trees, not just of their adoptive family, but also their birth
family. And, you know, one of the other things we like to include in life books
for any, or a child of any age of adoption is, you know, that day and time,
you know, what was, especially as they get older, like, what was the price of milk,
like, who was president, you know, what was the most popular, you know, song of the
time. There's so many creative ways. Right. I know Pinterest is a big one that
people use. Yeah, Pinterest is a great resource. And then our staff loves to use
Canva in creating the life. Okay.
do if your kid wants to bring the life book to school or to share it, you know,
around the neighborhood when they're hanging out with their friends? Is that, is that
something that we should be prepared for or okay with? How do you handle something
like that? Well, in terms of prepared for, it's always good to be prepared for
everything. If possible, right? Wouldn't it be nice to have a guidebook and all of
the possibilities of what can happen with a child who's adopted. Yeah, you're never
going to be prepared for everything you need to know about an adopt and adopt and
child. Ever, ever, right? My oldest is 17 and I'm still learning every day, right?
So really kind of going back to what you were saying, it's going to depend on
their chronological and developmental ages because both are different, right? It's
going to depend on their understanding of their story and of adoption. You know,
it'll depend on how supportive their peers are, you know, or the people that they
want to share this with. It might be neighbors and things like that. So I would
always, in a situation like this, I would always encourage families to reach out to
their therapeutic support team, the child's therapist, to their own therapist, maybe
they have a family therapist to really work together and assess the benefits of this
for the child and any potential concerns that may eyes. And really when you're
talking to your child about it, it's, you know, this is a big part of your story.
And we want to make sure that we explain to our children that, you know, this is
something that is really important to you. And we want to make sure that the people
you're sharing it with are just as excited and supportive as you are. Especially as
you start layering in the harder details and the more complex information that may
not be understood by those that they would be trying to share it with. Because it's
a fine line. Oh, yes, a thousand percent. And that line is so different for every
child that we work with too, right? But with lifebooks, I mean, it's not a one and
done. It can grow with the child. You know, the child could be looking at it and
there might be, you know, there might be milestones. There might be letters in it.
There might be, you know, pictures that the child loved at one point and doesn't
anymore, and they say, I don't want this in my life book right now. You know, like
it can grow with the child so that it feels comfortable for the child too, which
is really important because it's theirs. Yep, I was just going to say that it's so
important. This is their story and their information and it's so important that we
be responsive and treat it as a living document. Absolutely. That ebbs and flows
with their ebbs and flows and changes as they need it to. Yeah.
We'd like to take a moment and say a special thank you to the Dave Thomas
Foundation for Adoption for sponsoring this podcast. The Dave Thomas Foundation for
Adoption believes that together we can ensure every child has a permanent loving
family. Read the stories of youth and families touched by adoption, including adoption
from foster care and access resources for parents, caregivers, and childwomen.
the difficult parts of that adoption story, say a child was abused,
you know, for several months before landing in your family. How do you start that
conversation when they're really young that gives them kind of the clue that there's
more to come and that you'll be walking with them through it along the way? So,
yeah, I mean, I think It is, obviously, we want to use language that makes sense
to the child, that isn't scary for the child, especially before talking about super
young children, right? So obviously we want to make sure the groundwork is there
that they understand they are adopted and what that means to them at that age.
And once you have that baseline, there are going to be questions that are just
naturally going to come up. Like, oh, why was that adopted? And, you know, with
younger children, I recommend really just keeping it very basic, like your, you know,
biological mom, whatever, if it's an open adoption, hopefully they have a name for
bio mom or bio dad, but let's say they, you know, they do know her first name,
you know, and they call her Peg. So, you know, Peg was going through a really hard
time and she wanted to make a decision that was going to be best for your life.
And she knew she wasn't able to support you and care for you the way that she
wanted to. And so now we have the framework of the adoption. We know I'm adopted.
Now we just built on a little bit of, you know, Mom, Mama Peg,
whatever we're going to call her. It wasn't in a good place. And then you just
continue to grow what that looks like, right? You're not going to talk to a four
-year -old about active addiction. Right. But you can explain, you know, you know, how
sometimes when you have a hard day, well, she had a lot of hard days and, you
know, and that made, you know, very difficult for her to make this very hard
decision, right? So then you're going into the fact that this was a decision. That's
for private adoption. For foster care, a lot of times it's not their decision. They
don't have the choice. They are involuntarily taken from them. And so again,
you're doing that same baseline framework of you're adopted. We were fostering you.
What does that mean? We were taking care of you. All your mom and dad were trying
to do what they could to get you back. And they weren't able to do that. And
again, so there's that baseline knowledge that you're just going to continue to grow
off of as the child gets older. That's good. So let's get kind of really practical
and talk about one of the probably most complex, difficult things that we could have
to share with one of our children. Let's have a conversation about how to start
talking to our kids about being conceived as a result of a rape or an abusive
relationship, starting and then kind of building as we grow. Yeah,
that is a tough one. That is a tough one. Again, not, it's not, there's not going
to be a blanket answer, yes, all children to know their past history of their
parents and conception. We should always assess the child's chronological age and
obviously developmental age. And then really kind of assessing like, what is the
purpose of sharing this information now? Is the child ready? Is this helpful for the
child in where they are in their life today? How are they emotionally able to
process this information. This is one where I would absolutely recommend utilizing a
therapist to be a part of the conversation with the child and the parents through a
family therapy session with that therapist support because that's why we have them,
right? That's why we have professionals because they know how to handle these very
delicate, very difficult conversations. Oftentimes it can really be helpful to start
those conversations too with a question to the child. Like it could be a general
question of, you know, if there isn't an open adoption or there isn't a lot of
communication with the biological family, like, what do you know about your biological
family? What do you remember if the child was old enough? Or it could be
specifically like, what do you know about your biological father? That can then open
up a conversation a little bit easier than we have to sit down and have this
really hard conversation with you. We're going to start with the, with the, with
the,
It's in their family of origin. Give me a key or two for how to start those
conversations. Yeah. Again, we're going to always go back to pens on the child and
their age and emotionally where they are and able to process it. You know, they
might not be ready to hear all of it until they're in their 20s, their 30s, their
40s, right? Like, it is important for people to know their history because it is
living in them. But, you know, again, working with a therapeutic support team can be
really important. That can be, I'm sorry, is crucial and important in making that
happen. But if, you know, for really more hard specific examples, if you're talking
to a child who's in their teens, let's say, I'm just going to go with teens. And,
you know, you are more familiar with their history of abuse and neglect than they
are. Maybe you adopted them pretty young and you and the team feel it's ready you
know the time is ready you want to stick as factual as possible keep judgment aside
understanding that this is what we know this is what was reported to us but the
reality is we're never going to know in a child's entire story and honestly a lot
of times the biological parents don't even remember because of their own coping
mechanisms of like pushing it out, right? That's a great point. So sticking with the
facts by, you know, in a compassionate, empathetic and loving way. And again, like
really keeping that judgment out of the conversation as best as possible. I think
another important part of that is when we don't know saying that to our children. I
don't know. I'm happy to try and help you find out more if you would like to, but
I don't know that information right now, and this is what I do know and offering
them what we do know. But being so honest, I think when we can be honest like
that and not make anything up or what I hear a lot of parents doing is making up
something that sounds softer and gentler, but in the kid's gut, they already know
that it's not necessarily soft and gentle. So just being as true to facts and
honest about what we don't know is possible. I mean, I'm in an adoptive situation
where I'm never going to know details about the life that my daughters lived,
the lives that my daughters lived before they came to me. I have had to get
comfortable with answering, I'm so sorry, I don't know that information. And then as
they've gotten older and more things have opened up in their country of birth saying
things like, but I can try and help you find that out. What's your comfort level
with that? And just being responsive to that, but being willing to sit with them in
how unpleasant it is to not know has been a huge factor in supporting them along
the way. That's hard. That's really hard. And it's hard for you too, right?
As their mom to say, I have to be okay and accept that. I don't know this,
this part of their story. And that's hard. Yeah. It's hard for all of us.
I don't feel it quite as keenly as they do. But There are days that,
like, Mother's Day is always a hard day to not know anything.
But the fact that you're able, I mean, to give yourself credit, to be able to have
those open conversations with them, truly, you know, and recognize that there are
going to be hard days and not judging them for that, but just showing up for them
is really commendable to you. Oh, thank you.
It's hard. There's, yeah, there's a lot about these stories that is hard to swallow
for all of us. So yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Should you tell your child that her birth
mother's use of drugs or alcohol were probably the primary cause of her current
learning disabilities? Now we're getting really into the new. Yeah. But, yeah, these
are situations our adoptive families face every day. Absolutely, yes,
absolutely. I mean, I would say it's really important to avoid definitively stating
your mom substance abuse caused your learning disabilities because it's really
difficult to directly link that, right? I would say nearly impossible. But what I
would say is sharing with your child like age -appropriate information to educate them
to understand and
old the child is, again, chronologically and developmentally in talking about
addiction. But, you know, I always say no one chooses to be active in addiction.
No one wants that for their lives. That's a great point. And I think if we can
say to our kids, especially as they're getting older and becoming more aware of
their learning challenges, we can say, hey, here's what we know about alcohol during
pregnancy. Here's what we know about opioids during pregnancy. Here's what we know
about the impacts of those things that could affect a child across the lifetime. But
the good news is that mom and dad are here to support you and help you find the
tools that will let you thrive in school and give you resources to learn the way
your brain is wired to learn. And I think when we can kind of elevate it to this
is your brain and this is how your brain learns best. We're then turning them
towards coping tools because everybody's brain learns differently and sometimes it's a
result of family history, sometimes it's a result of prenatal interruptions like drugs
and alcohol and it just gives them a way to say, okay, this is what it is.
And I can't change that, but I can cope with it and process with it and deal with
it. Yeah. And education and knowledge is power, right? We are just breaking the
surface as a society and learning the connections between neuroscience, brain
development, and mental health. Right. So I also encourage families when they are
talking with their children and sharing the knowledge they have is we're still all
learning. Like there are scientists out there that have multiple PhDs that still
don't have the answer to how all of this works, right? So we really want to make
sure that our children understand that there can be causal links, right? However,
you know, it is something that we continue to learn because The brain is not a
part of our body that we can dissect when it's working. You know, we don't get to
dive in and see and see how it works. And I think, too, really, again, in
educating our children of what trauma really is, because a lot of times kids will
say, well, that's not bad. Like, that, you know, there's other kids that have been
through far worse than and really understanding that trauma isn't about the event.
It's how your nervous system is affected by that event. And for children to really
understand that it could be one decision that your mom made at a very difficult
time that could be a cause, right? We don't know. But again,
really going back to that education and empowering them in, again, a very non
-judgmental way about their birth parents. And I will tell the listeners, if you need
to talk to your children about hard things in their story like a birth parent's
active addiction or a birth parent's prenatal substance exposure. We have tons of
resources on our website about how to understand prenatal substance exposure and how
to parent a child who is living with the impacts of or the potential impacts of
prenatal substance exposure. We've tons and tons of resources that are so helpful and
are in many different mediums. If you prefer to listen, we've got podcasts. If you
prefer to read, we've got articles. We've got workshops for active training and
workshops. So we've got lots of resources to help parents understand that. That's
great. How do you help a child who has these difficult parts of their story to
grapple with? How do you help them understand how much of that story they could or
should share with others kind of outside your family circle. Another really good
question and a difficult one. I would approach it in the same way I would approach
a child to what they want to share with anyone, right, about their story,
whether, you know, remembering that social media is even Snapchat,
all those things are forever. Someone can take a snapshot very quickly of what you
shared, are you okay with this being out there in the world forever? I would
honestly, that would probably be, again, depending on the child's age and
circumstances and emotional stability, that's really the big question is, are you okay
with the world knowing this information about you forever? And if there's any
hesitancy in that, it's like, okay, well, then let's keep talking about it, right?
And process with the child, what they're comfortable sharing. But I always also
recommend start small. So let's just start with sharing that you're adopted. Yeah.
And see the support and reaction you get from your friends and extended family,
school, peers, whatever. And let's see how that feels, right? And then you'll be
able to really hopefully learn the safe people that you feel comfortable sharing a
little bit more about. I always tell parents, though, too, it's their story.
So it's their decision about what they want to share and when they want to share
it with the parents and, again, the therapeutic support team's guidance. Yeah. I love
the running theme of including that therapeutic support team. We recommend it all the
time. We feel very strongly about that, but I appreciate that you just keep
reemphasizing that because we're not meant to do this alone, first of all. Second of
all, sometimes this stuff is so hard for us as adults to understand,
even when we've done the pre -adoptive education and preparation and we keep educating
ourselves. So to also then have to put it in the hands of our children,
it needs to be done with support and care and an understanding of what that
specific child can handle. Yeah. You know, our program,
our Fathen's foster care program is we do about 30 hours of training. And I think
people are like, oh, my gosh, that's so much. And I'm like, we scratch. It's not
near enough. I mean, I really, I tell that to parents all the time, we scratch the
surface on a lot of topics that I encourage families to continue to deep dive into.
And then obviously with creating a family, we've started incorporating so many of
your trainings and are just phenomenal trainings that are really supportive of our
families. But I tell them, I said, look, the therapist that you're going to went
through thousands of hours of education and training. Use that.
That's why they're Yeah. Yeah. Great resource if you can find one that's going to
stay with your family on the on the topics, the tough topic. Absolutely.
So this is a tough question, but it does happen sometimes.
What if you don't believe the story that the birth mother tells about what happened
or what didn't happen? How do you handle that when you're then trying to convey
those parts of the story to a child? Yeah, I mean, like I said,
I think the only person who's going to know the whole story is the birth mother.
And even then, the story is going to look very different probably in her eyes,
right, than what actually happened. So it really is going to come down to not as
much about, you know, whether or not we are giving factual information.
It's what knowledge is important for the child to have and how is it going to
affect them in their development. I would say if you really, if you really feel
confident that her story is not accurate, then don't share it with the child, right?
Share what you believe, you know, is real and true because you don't want to share
something with them. Let's give a tough example. If she did say that the child was
born out of rape and there's just inconsistencies with her stories and the team that
has been working with her through the adoption process feel that you know that her
story might not be true and it's not a story you need to tell the child right why
why open up a door that isn't you know is possibly very much not true right and
you could say something as simple as this is the story that your birth mother
reported and give kind of the brief summary. But we don't know yet all of the
details. And so I can only tell you what she told us. Yeah,
absolutely. Yeah. Again, like sticking with that fact, right? This is what I was
told. Yes. And doing it as gently and non mentally as possible because we don't
want to in any way reflect the birth parents negatively to the child because we
don't want the child to form an unnecessary negative opinion about their birth mother
or their birth father in the absence of all of those facts. Absolutely. Exactly.
Absolutely. Because you can't unhear something like that. You can't. I was just going
to say that. Yep. Yep. They can never unhear or what you just said. No, absolutely.
So what if you don't know any details about something from a child's story,
only that something really big or significant happened and that it was negative or
very difficult? How do you handle that then? For yourself first,
right, as an adoptive parent, this is where acceptance is going to play a big part
of your adoption journey, acceptance of not knowing. And it's out of your control
not to know that big information. So again, your focus is going to be on the child
and their well -being and what is helpful for them to know. And it can be, that's
where you really go back to that very general your mom was in a really difficult
situation. I don't know all the details to it. But what I do know is that she
made this decision out of love for you and for your best interest and that sort of
thing. So again,
whatever you call birth month. And, you know, again, it's, I don't know if you're
familiar with the book, the body keeps score, if not, I highly recommend it. It's
in the child, right? That trauma is there. It's just how it's going to affect them
as they grow. Right. And then having that, you know, their parents knowing that I
can look at mom and dad and say they will be with me throughout all of this. And
the door is always open for those conversations.
I want to interrupt just one more time to let you know about our library of 15
free courses. Thanks to the Jockey Being Family Foundation, we can offer you this
full library of free courses that are designed to strengthen your family. They will
build your parenting toolkit and help you handle the things that might be challenging
about your child's adoption story. You can go to Bitley slash JBF support.
That's BIT .L .L .Y slash JBF support to take one or all 15 of the courses,
if you wish. And now we're going to go back and finish up this conversation with
Kelly. So how can adoptive parents help their children understand that they are more
than those difficult parts of their story and that they are not doomed to repeat
their birth parents' mistakes because I think a lot of kids think, oh, if that's
what my birth dad was like, then I'm going to be just like him, you know, look at
the ways I'm turning out just like him already. So how do we help them understand
that they are more than just those really difficult challenging parts? So I love the
example. I don't know where I stole this. I'm going to be honest, I didn't come up
with it myself, but it's called like your self -circle, right? So the child's here
in that circle and every day that they grow in their self -worth,
in their self -esteem, whether it's activities, connections, succeeding in school,
doing a chore well, right? All of those little accomplishments and connections with
others, their circles growing, right? And that circle is going to grow and grow and
grow. So the difficult parts of their history are still in that circle. They will
always still be in that circle. They're just going to be a lot smaller. Right. So
as that child's self circle grows, it gets to the place that that's a smaller and
smaller part of their history and their story. And you're showing the child, look at
all these other amazing parts of your circle, right? Yes, you do have this little
part, but there are so many bigger parts of your story that make up who you are.
Yeah. And it goes to that conversation about the positive childhood experiences that
we can provide that buffer our children. Building on, yes, from all of the difficult
things that might be inside that little circle. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. So let's
wrap up by talking some practicals. Let's talk about the practical tips you can
offer
How do we be present and support our children to cope with the hard things that
we've had to unfold? Yeah, I mean, and you always want to start kind of assessing
how dysregulated they really are, right? You know, are they at a four? Are they at
a seven? Are they at a nine? Where do I need? I need to meet the child where
they are. The more disregulated they are, the more difficult it's going to be for
them to even communicate what they want or what they need at the time. I always
suggest, you know, again, we're always going to go back to connect first, asking the
child, like, what do you want to do?
And if the child is able to say, I need ice cream, okay, let's go get an ice
cream cone, right? But again, if the child's really dysregulated, they might not even
be able to answer that question. So we're giving them choices of things we know
that they love. Physical touch is a huge peak of that, just it could be a hug,
it could be cuddling on the couch, it could just be a hand on the shoulder, again,
meeting the child where they are. Making that eye contact, comfort foods, we all
know we have them, and then, you know, style of play. So giving them two or three
choices of, hey, that was really big. That was a really big, hard
some self -care right now, right? Let's, let's, do you want to cuddle on the couch
and watch a movie? Do you want to go outside and play? Again, keeping those choices
like two or three. And then if they say, you know what I want, I want to do
this, great. But again, they might not be able to, because they're so disregulated,
that just really keeping their choices to two or three. And then sometimes they're
not even able to make the choice. So you say, okay, you know what, I'm thinking
thinking, let's go cuddle on the couch and watch your favorite movie. I'll make some
popcorn, we'll stuggle under the blanket, you know, but really meeting them and
comforting them the way they feel best. And physical touch can be huge. I also say
too, like for children who struggle with physical touch because of past abuse,
physical touch can be really helpful with an animal. So like cuddling with a dog
or, you know, because they're still getting that, but it doesn't have to be as
scary. A favorite stuffed animal or a weighted stuffed animal. Those are always very
helpful also. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And then, you know, when you find that just
being fully present, you know, I know with the age of where we are and how we all
work from home and have 500 things going on, but really as the adaptive parent,
putting the phone away and just really being present and showing them, you realize
this was really hard and you have my full attention and giving those suggestions.
And then, you know, like you had said early in our conversation, just keeping that
door open, you know, at any point, I will say oftentimes parents report to me and
I see this with my own children after that, they don't want to talk. They're like,
we talk enough. I am good. that's sometimes true right so it might be a week or
so before it comes up when they say you know what I really need to to talk about
this and again you put everything down if possible and just keep that door open
yeah kind of that check -in policy you know stopping by their room after school or
stopping by the living room while they're watching a movie hey you're doing okay I
you don't normally watch this movie unless you're feeling really sad. Is there
something going on? Yeah. Yeah. And again, it's that being present,
not just present side by side in the moment, but being present enough to be aware
and assessing kind of that watchful assessment going on anytime you've had one of
those hard conversations. Yeah. And again, knowing your child and every child is
different, you know, I look at my degree and I know when my, my youngest is
struggling, her answer is, if I say, are you okay, I don't know. Okay. But that I
don't know also means she doesn't want to keep talking, right? And then, you know,
I have my, my oldest who I'll get the okay, is everything okay,
yes, you know, the short answers of, okay, you're clearly something's going on, but
you're not ready to talk about this. So you know that the door is open. Not, and
what I mean by that for both for those examples.
your own kids, but with the families that you're supporting and serving, because it
just shines through in how you talk about them. And I really appreciate your child
-centered approach to this conversation, because what's difficult for one kid may not
be that difficult for another kid, but it's all about knowing what that kid needs
and how to meet them where they're at with the difficult things that they do need
to know about their own story. I appreciate your time today so much. So thank you
again. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. It was a pleasure and really enjoyed
talking with you. Thank you.