Between Cultures: One Transcultural Adoptive Family's Story

What is it like to be the only biological child in a large transracial adoptive family? Our guest, Elaine Duncan, shares her story of how transcultural adoption impacted her identity and resilience. She is a writer, speaker, and strategist whose work bridges storytelling, healing, and social change. She has a passion for improving outcomes for underserved young people and is currently working on a memoir of her life journey.

In this episode, we discuss: 

• What did your home look like growing up, and what was it like for you to be the only biological child in a transracial/transcultural adoptive family?
• Families who adopt across race or culture often wonder how to bring all of those differences together under one roof. 
• How did your family handle conversations about race, culture, and identity?  Were these things openly acknowledged, celebrated, or avoided?
• How did your parents support (or struggle to support) you in building your own sense of identity — not just as their child, but as an individual?
• Did you ever feel overlooked or lost in the mix? How could parents avoid that happening for their kids?
• What were some of the biggest challenges you carried from growing up in this transracial/transcultural adoptive family?
  • How have those challenges shaped your adult life, relationships, or even your current work?
• What are the gifts or strengths you gained from growing up in such a diverse family?
• Are there ways your unique upbringing has given you perspective, resilience, or empathy that you now value?

Additional Resources:

• Intergenerational Trauma (podcast)
• The Impact of Fostering & Adoption on Kids Already in the Family (free on-demand course)
• Raising a Transracial or Multicultural Child (resource page)

Chapters

• 1:15 What did your home look like growing up, and what was it like for you to be the only biological child in a transracial/transcultural adoptive family?
• 9:31 - Families who adopt across race or culture often wonder how to bring all of those differences together under one roof.
• 13:37 How did your family handle conversations about race, culture, and identity? Were these things openly acknowledged, celebrated, or avoided?
• 16:50 How did your parents support (or struggle to support) you in building your own sense of identity — not just as their child, but as an individual?
• 28:15 Did you ever feel overlooked or lost in the mix? How could parents avoid that happening for their kids?
• 43:39 What were some of the biggest challenges you carried from growing up in this transracial/transcultural adoptive family? How have those challenges shaped your adult life, relationships, or even your current work?
• 45:55 What are the gifts or strengths you gained from growing up in such a diverse family?
• 47:44 Are there ways your unique upbringing has given you perspective, resilience, or empathy that you now value?

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Hello, and welcome to creating a family, talk about adoption, foster care, and
kinship care. Have you ever wondered what it's like for a biological child to grow
up in a family full of siblings from different races, cultures, or ethnicities?
You're in for a treat today. We have a conversation ahead of us about growing up
as the only biological child in a transcultural, transracial, very large adoptive
family. My name is Tracy Whitney, and I am your host for today's conversation of
growing up in a transcultural adoptive family. Elaine Duncan is a writer, speaker,
and strategist whose work bridges storytelling, healing, and social change. She began
her career in Morgan Stanley, where she rose to become vice president of marketing
for a Wall Street portfolio manager, before she transitioned into corporate social
responsibility and leadership roles in the nonprofit sector. Elaine has a passion for
improving out
Can you start us off with a brief summary of your family story, what your home
looked like while you were growing up, what role did adoption and cultural diversity
play in that family dynamic, and how it felt to be part of that big community
inside your home? Sure. So my mother had me when she was 21,
and she had two miscarriages before that. And when I was born,
she had to have an emergency cesarean, you know, to give birth to me, and then
stayed in the hospital for a few days. And her mother, my grandmother,
took me home from the hospital. So that was my first mother in a way.
And then, you know, my mother wanted to name me Sarah, and my grandmother named me
after her best friend Elaine, and kind of introduced me to her, you know, five days
after I was born. So my relationship with my mother started off in a really kind
of complicated way that, you know, I had no control over. And, you know,
looking back now, you know, I think that was probably the most impactful thing that
happened with my mother and I. My first brother was adopted when I was eight months
old. And he was an American adoption. And then about three years later,
they adopted my other brother from Korea. And then a sister, probably five years
later, who was named Sarah. So I was the oldest and the firstborn until the next
child, who was an older brother who was adopted from India. And then kids came
pretty much every year after that.
for right now. So, you know, back then, none of my peers were doing things like
that. And as I grew older, you know, I was a escort, you know,
four children. So, you know, I can remember flying back on Piedmont, you know,
with two babies in my arms and I was 10 years old. But I did have some really
unique experiences with her. And I always knew how lucky I was because she would
share that with me, and I had these personal experiences of working in orphanages.
So from a very young age, you know, I knew how lucky I was because I had seen
poverty, like real poverty. And I loved my mom. I mean,
I thought she was, she was larger than life. She was interviewed by so many people.
And we grew up in Baltimore, right outside of Baltimore, she was interviewed by
Oprah when she was an anchor in Baltimore and on the Donahue show and on Richard
Cher and, you know, she was a real trailblazer with international adoption especially.
And she spoke at conferences and oftentimes she would take me with her to, you
know, talk about being the only biological child. And she would prep me beforehand.
And it was always about how lucky I was. So over the years, my parents adopted 15
children and they came in at all ages from all areas. We also had foster children
and we had foreign exchange students and even a homeless couple that she brought in
when I was, I think 19. I was away at college and I came home for a weekend and
she had given my room away. And she literally said to me, because, I mean,
obviously, I was a little upset. And she said, you have had everything given to
your entire life. You can sleep on the couch in the living room. These people need
help. So no matter what was going on, I was always just expected to be grateful.
And I was never really allowed to be different. And,
you know, that had a pretty big impact, especially with my grandmother. And then at
one point, when I was eight years old, my mother converted our family to being
Mormon. And so that was a whole other thing. And, you know, that's probably another
podcast. Another topic entirely. But I think, you know, one of the reasons that she
did that is because she needed help. And the church helped us so much.
I mean, they brought over food and she was still traveling a lot. And my father
was working all the time. So, you know, the clothes and they hand me downs and the
food and that sort of thing. And I didn't even know how to feel about that, but
my grandmother had a lot of strong feelings about that. And I can remember her
saying to my mother, you know, you have this beautiful child and you don't even
take care of her and you keep adopting these kids. And so,
many ways and there were wonderful things and opportunities that I had that none of
my friends had and most kids didn't have. But it was also very confusing and,
you know, being bopped around and always being told that I should be grateful. You
know, it did create significant challenges for me as I grew older, especially not
knowing how to talk about my feelings. Right. So the thing that's resonating with me
right now is
without any acknowledgement of the losses that adoption brought to their life or how
they landed in this family that is now telling them they should be so grateful when
they've had to say goodbye to first language, first family, first community,
the first culture that kind of helped make them who they were. And It's interesting.
Any child who is made to feel as if they should be blanket statement grateful as a
condition of their belonging in that family and their identity is something that all
parents should take note of in this conversation and be concerned about and cautious
about. And you also mentioned issues of race and culture. So I wondered in your
extended family, those were complicated and fraught conversation.
And so conversations about race and culture need to be had, but can you give us a
kind of an inside look at maybe how your family handled those conversations? Sure.
So, you know, I do remember, I mean, obviously I was eight months old when my
first brother was adopted, but I do remember before we adopted my younger brother
from Korea and he came in as an infant. He was, I don't know, a couple weeks old,
actually. We did have the conversations of we're going to have a new child. We're
going to have. And obviously, they talked to my brother and I, you know, we were
we were three and four years old. So my mother tried to explain it the best she
could. And I remember when my brother came from Korea, I thought my parents had
gotten me a baby. I was so excited. You know, it was beautiful. And then when my
sister Sarah was adopted, it was the same thing. We all, we talked about it. And
they explained to us what was going on and that I was going to be a big sister
and all of those things. And then as the children came, that conversation kind of
went away. And, you know, I think it's also important to know that we also had
sets of siblings within our family. And because my mother kind of was running her
own show, you know, she was all over the place in Korea. She knew everyone.
I mean, Holt, Lutheran Child Services, you know, especially with Korea. I mean,
in the 80s, Korea was like wide open. And several of these children actually, they
knew who their mother was. And one of the sets of siblings. There were three,
two boys and a girl. And my mother met their mother who was very,
very poor. Her husband had been, you know, had passed away. And, you know,
she told them, like, I will take your daughter, who was severely handicapped to
America and give her a life. And, you know, my parents took her to Shriners
Hospital. And she got, you know, the care that she needed. And then she adopted the
two older boys. And I think for adoptive parents, it's really important to understand
that, you know, attachment theory. And if you adopt a child that is even five years
old that didn't have that or that knew their biological mother, it's very confusing,
you know, for them to just, okay, that's over now. I have a new mom. I have a
new dad. I'm in a new country. So there was a lot of just confusion, I think, as
the children came. And then we had, you know, my mother who wanted to be loved so
badly. And that came from her childhood. And these things were not talked about back
then, you know, childhood trauma and attachment theory. And,
you know, Even though she was a social worker who later became an LCSW, it wasn't
talked about. So, you know, I think as the children came,
you know, and we had this, we had a three -bedroom, two and a half bathroom home,
and my dad just kept building additions onto the home. And, you know,
I went from sharing a room to sharing a bed, And I would literally come home from
school and have another sibling. So by the time I was in middle school, that was
pretty much par for the course. So the conversations about the actual adoption and
building relationship and building connection and attachment weren't happening anymore.
No. How did your family acknowledge or honor or celebrate or not the different races
or cultures that were represented in your sibling group? Well, back in the 80s,
and I don't think it still exists, but, you know, my mother was one of the co
-founders of an organization called Face, and that was families adopting children
everywhere. You know, so she really became kind of an expert on these blended
families. And in her mind, it was just such a beautiful way to create a family
that was very diverse and, you know, all of the children would,
you know, know more about the culture in India and the culture in Korea and Costa
Rica, which, again, it was. I mean, we had such a unique perspective about loving
each other and not seeing differences, you know,
that We were all children of God. And that was really kind of like a, I think
that was really a Mormon thing, or I should probably say LDS. And I do remember,
you know, at our first house, the reason that we had to move was because, you
know, our neighbors. My sister was called a chink. My brother was called a nigger,
you know, from India. And it became a big problem. And also our neighbors thought,
you know, my mother was running a group home. So when I was in eighth grade,
we moved to an area called Columbia, Maryland, which was the first planned community
in the country. And the whole purpose of it was everyone living together, rich,
poor, handicapped, not black, white. And that was a really good thing for our family
because we weren't as unique. Not quite as conspicuous.
Exactly. So the conversation was always very positive that we had this very diverse
family. We were kind of like the model of it, especially for face. And my mother
talked about putting a family together that was so different. And I think people
thought that it was so beautiful. And in many ways, it really was. But it was also
pretty chaotic and confusing. And yeah. So,
you know, I think that I had a very unique experience. Yeah. It sounds very unique.
It sounds also as if maybe there wasn't quite as much attention on each culture's
beauty and identity, as much as it was, we're now a multicultural family and that's
our identity. Is that kind of a good summary of that? Yeah, that's right. And,
you know, these trips that I would go on with my mother, as more children came in,
I kind of got pushed aside. And that was, I think part of it was because of this,
you know, intergenerational dynamic. But it was very important to my mother that all
of the kids knew where they came from and knew what their culture was. And she
would start taking them. How did she accomplish that? Because she's crafted this
group identity as a multicultural family. But how did she help the children grapple
with their individual identity and culture of origin and things like that?
Well, you know, like I said,
except for me before. But that was important to her. And, you know, we always had
kimchi in our house and chop jay. And we went to a Korean grocery store. And we
all had a humbox. And we had Korean dolls that she would bring back.
So the culture in our family was really, it was more Korean than anything else. I
mean, most of my siblings were adopted from Korea, you know, but my brother who
came from India, he went back to India with my mother. And he was raised in a
Catholic orphanage. And, you know, my mother actually brought back one of the women
that worked in that orphanage. And she was kind of like our nanny, not in a Mary
Poppins way, you know, but she did our laundry. She made dinner for us.
We had curry all the time. I still don't like curry because it was basically my
food group. You know, curry and ranch.
experiences with foods, especially, you know, from Central America,
from India, from Korea. Yeah. So, I mean, she did a good job with that, actually.
But, you know, it was only when she was home. And she was rarely home. Yeah.
Because she was always in different countries, saving children and helping families
that wanted, you know, to have an international adoption. Yeah. So she would bring
her Indian child with her to India, her Korean children with her to Korea once you
were older and they were old enough to travel with her. Where did you learn about
and start to form your identity as an individual in the midst of all of this
multicultural going on? I don't know what your ethnic background is, for example,
I'm an Italian, Irish American. So we learned about that from both sets of family.
Where did you learn about some of those identities that you were born into?
Well, you know, my grandmother was Jewish. And that's a whole, again, a whole other
conversation. She never told anyone she was Jewish. And again, that generation just
kind of didn't. And so she married a Methodist, but also
Right. Because I was getting these special invitations to things. And I didn't know
at the time, you know, what what she was actually trying to teach me. So, you
know, there were several different identities. There was the identity that I had with
my grandmother and kind of that culture. And she cared a lot about what people
thought. And I have that. It's something I've worked on my entire life and always
wanting something better than, you know, the other kids. And she taught me about
quality and she taught me about, you know, how to how to clean myself,
how to wear, how to match things, you know, all of that.
And my mother never really taught me. So we, we all came with different
perspectives, even a six -year -old has a perspective of what life is like.
So from a cultural standpoint, you know, I was always, we were all very different.
Like in school, people thought it was so cool. And I can remember, especially in
ninth grade, they adopted my sister from a broken adoption situation.
And it wasn't talked about at all. It was like the next day she was there. Right.
And I had to bring her with me into high school and have her sit with me at
lunch and whatever. And I actually took a lot of pride in that. But there was a
lot of parentification going on the whole time where I felt responsible for helping
a child fit in, making sure they had what they needed. And so I grew up pretty
quickly, actually. But again, I was never really allowed to have my feelings. I
actually like the attention because it made me feel, you know, different and unique
that I had this family. But I was the only Caucasian in my family. So I kind of
didn't fit in in the biggest way. And, you know, and then add to that,
this dynamic with my grandmother that the other kids, I think, really kind of
resented. I think my grandmother really tried, and she was a kind person. But I
remember at Christmas, you know, she would get all of us a gift, but all the
adopted kids got pajama sets, which were brand new, very nice pajama sets.
And I would get like five presents. And one of them was not a pajama set. Yeah.
So she always kind of pulled me out as being unique and different.
Right. So you had some unique experiences as the only Caucasian and only biological
child in this family. And I'm hearing you say that there were times that you felt
very, very seen and understood. But then there were also times that you felt very
unseen, unheard, unacknowledged. How did you walk the balance of those two diverse
perspectives? That's a really good question. I don't think I even knew that I was
walking a balance. I had a very unique experience as an adult in my career.
I was running national action strategies for Colin Powell's Foundation, America's
Promise Alliance, and that organization was all about improving outcomes for young
people. And I had a conversation with someone on a work trip one time.
And, you know, we were talking about, I was going into boys and girls clubs. I was
going into all these places and talking to kids. And I was just sharing with him
that it's fascinating to me that, you know, we have this, you know, not my kid
kind of perspective in our culture and that I didn't understand it.
Like, how could anyone let a kid grow up this way with none of their needs,
Matt, and not having the resources? You know, living in a neighborhood that was a
depressed neighborhood and not being able to go to a good school and all these
things and that these children, like, what are they supposed to dream about if they
don't know what's out there? And it was a really robust conversation, but at the
end, he said, Elaine, you have a very unique perspective. You can go in and out.
Most people can't do that. You can meet with CEOs and you can hang out in boys
and girls clubs and talk to those kids. And that conversation really made me realize
how unique my skill set is and how unique my perspective was.
But that's what I had to do as a child. I was speaking at adoption conferences
with my mother and I was going back to this home, you know,
where I had to be the big sister. And even though my birth order bumped around a
lot, I was always kind of treated by my mother especially as the big sister as the
only biological child, as the one who should be grateful. She didn't make my
siblings feel that way, which is a flip to what you just said. It was always that,
you know, I was so lucky. You know, so I really did. I developed the skill of
kind of going in and out and being able to talk to anyone from any culture, you
know, which was pretty special. And it guided a lot of the pieces of my career.
But another piece of my career was that I was a massive overachiever because I
never felt seen. And we didn't have a lot of money. I still don't know how my
parents did it. I mean, honestly, I can remember going to the grocery store and my
mother having like three carts of groceries. And our community was very generous to
us. I mean, people knew that, you know, my mother had saved all these children and
they wanted to help with things like food and hand me downs and, you know, all of
that. So, you know, again, it was these two totally different worlds, but it gave
me a very unique perspective. And I had a lot of opportunities because of it.
So this way that I grew up, it really became my identity. I mean, I talked about
my family all the time as if it was like the coolest thing in the world. But deep
inside, I was never allowed to have my feelings. So that was the only way I knew
how to really talk about it. And that manifested in several ways.
Shows like this often prompt a lot of questions for hopeful, adoptive parents or for
those who are already raising kids of another racer culture in their home.
within the family that you're raising. And if you're looking for a supportive
community of other parents and caregivers who get the unique joys and challenges of
raising a transracial adoptive family or parenting transcultural foster kids,
please consider joining our online community. You can find us at Facebook slash
groups slash creating a family. And we would love to welcome you over there and I
think that you'll enjoy learning with our very active and caring community. It's one
of my favorite places to hang out, so we would welcome you over there if you're
interested. Let's go back to the interview now and learn more about growing up as
the only biological child in a transcultural family.
So you've shared with us a little bit about the challenges of being the only
biological child in a very large adoptive family. And then you just shared some
positive skill sets that came out of that. I wonder if you could kind of take it
practical for a moment and maybe offer a few pieces of advice for prospective
parents or parents who are already raising transracial adoptive families, how to
prevent or buffer their biological children or resident children, as we sometimes call
them, from feeling kind of overlooked or lost in the mix? You know,
I think there's a lot of ways that that can be done. And again, I just want to
say that, you know, that kind of thing was not talked about back then. And it's
still not talked about. And, you know, you and I have had several conversations
before this conversation. And I think one of the biggest things is,
you know, to acknowledge that biological child and to also, you know,
not just the biological child, but the siblings. And, you know, another thing that
my mom used to say was, we loved you so much that we wanted more children.
And that was kind of confusing, too. I see how that would be confusing, yes. Yeah.
So, you know, I think honoring that biological child, I mean, I was eight months
old when the first one was adopted. So that would have been a little tricky. But
we did, you know, as part of the LDS culture, we had something called family home
evening. And that was on Monday nights. And it was an opportunity for the whole
family to gather. And we did this, you know, we converted to that faith when I was
eight years.
how they were feeling. But it was never really, it was never really discussed any
further than that. Or acted upon, it sounds like. Yeah. Exactly. So I think they
did make an effort. Again, my parents were so young. I mean, I remember when I
turned 50. I was thinking about like, how old was I when my mother was 50? You
know, and thinking about she did so much of this in her mid to late 20s and 30s,
and I was an idiot in my 20s. You know, like, so it helped me give her a lot of
grace. A little perspective. Yeah. So, you know, I do think they really,
they tried, but the reality was with that many kids and with my mother's drive,
she wanted to be seen as different and unique. And she was. And she was a
trailblazer. I mean, she was so dynamic and, you know, could captivate a room.
And, and she did have the credentials. I mean, she became a PhD therapist, you
know, in her late 50s. So I think she really tried. But she also didn't do it
very well. And, you know, my father was just always working. And at one point,
especially when my mother was running the private adoption agent.
you know, snowball, they kept getting bigger. And at one point, I think it just
became almost unmanageable. And I think, too, looking back on it, generationally
speaking, they came from a generation that's still very highly prized assimilation and
everybody being like each other and not seen as different or unique or diverse.
And it sounds to me as if maybe there was some of that kind of carried into,
although she did seem to prize their country of origin and things like that, maybe
there was still some of that kind of lingering that made it hard to talk about the
differences and hard to address the individual child because it was more about the
family group. And how can you with that many children. With that many kids.
And, you know, I, I have had several conversations with adoption experts and
specialists. And, you know, the question always comes up, like, why would someone
adopt all those kids? You know, and I think one of the biggest things I think
about is looking at, you know, what is the parent's motivation?
Why do they want to adopt a child from an international situation. That's a very
practical.
and able to respond to what is happening, not what they had hoped or planned to
happen. It's a beautiful way to say it. Our former executive director used to say
you have to be managing your expectations enough that you can parent the child
that's in front of you, not the one that you thought you were going to get. It's
a beautiful way to say it. Because those children change just as much as we change,
just as much as we grow or stop growing, our kids change.
And the child you have when you first bring them home versus the child that you
have 10 years in, 15 years in, could be very, very different in their needs and
their expressions of those needs, hopefully are changing and growing as you're
changing and growing. And that nimbleness, I think that nimbleness comes from the
ability to be humble and say, what am I looking for out of this experience?
experience.
bed, barely being touched, you know, and actually one of my brothers,
he's, you know, 50 years old, he still has a flat head from literally being in a
crib for the first couple years of his life. What does that do to a child's
psyche? You know, what trauma are they bringing along in their cells? And that just
wasn't we talked about back then. We didn't think of it like that. So it's like
adopt this child and you're starting all fresh without even considering where the
child came from and what would be best for them and what do they need. The brother
that I just spoke about, you know, probably would have been better off being adopted
by, you know, a family with one or two children so that he could get the attention
that he needed. You know, we didn't have a lot of that attention. We kind of
raised teaching.
talked about that just back in the 80s it wasn't like that. Yeah, the study of
trauma, you know, into mainstream conversations is definitely newer than the adoption
culture is. I'm grateful for the benefits of learning what I've learned because I'm
newer in the adoption experience than obviously you are. But it's even newer than
that is the intergenerational trauma conversation. And we actually recorded a show
recently trying to remember who the guest was, but it was an excellent conversation
about intergenerational trauma. And we can link it in the show notes for people that
are interested in learning more because understanding trauma and how it impacts a
child's developing brain is crucial to adoptive and foster parenting across the board.
And then digging a little deeper into intergenerational trauma can give you insight,
not just to the child that you're parenting, but it can also give you great insight
into your own parenting style, your attachment style as you're trying to raise these
children. So I highly encourage perspective or hopeful adoptive parents to consider
adding conversations about intergenerational trauma to their parenting toolbox.
You know, just going back to the question of why, when I was 47,
and I did, I suffered from very quietly and privately suffered from depression for
most of my adult life. And the first one happened when I was 22 and a boyfriend
cheated on me. And it brought back, like, why wasn't I enough?
Why did you need to do that? You know, and I didn't understand it at the time,
but that's what was going on, this feeling of, wait, I thought you loved me. And
then, you know, even work things, you know, I said it before. I mean, I just, I
worked so hard. I had to pay for my own college. You know, I did whatever I could
to make money, you know, to be able to be successful and chased titles and chased
who I was working for and wanting to feel important. And, you know, my first
marriage, that's what it was. It was, you know, a really good guy who I knew would
never cheat on me. I knew when I came home, my house would look the same. And
that was pretty stressful growing up with so many children the house was wild and
and you know and again none of these things we knew I knew when I was growing up
but this sense of control that like if I cleaned something I wanted it to stay
that way and it didn't don't we all yeah and so you know I always had this like
trying to keep everything perfect and trying to be perfect myself. And that's a lot
to carry.
But when I was 47, I went to, I did the Hoffman Institute, which is called the
Hoffman process. And it's all about childhood patterns. And, you know, when we are
born, and I think this is an important piece, you know, a baby when it's born
starts mimicking its parent, whether it's its biological parent or it's adoptive
parent, you know, to almost say, I'm just like you. Do you love me now? And so we
start taking on these patterns as infants, you know, of the people that we were
raised by especially and really looking at all of that stuff and the generational
trauma and how it affected us as an adult. And I remember telling,
you know, you have to do like 15 hours of pre -work and that's how they kind of
match you with your teacher and i was really fortunate i had the founder of hoffman
was my teacher who is still a very important teacher in my life and he said to me
i have never heard a story like yours you should be in a mental hospital or dead
and i remember thinking what do you i mean come on you've heard a lot of stories
and he said no i've never heard anything like this. And I was not allowed to be
different or anything like that when I was growing up. So it was one of the first
times that I really felt seen like, wow, is my story that unique?
You know, and that happened very later in life. And the more I kind of understood,
you know, from the perspective of a very seasoned therapist that I did survive a
lot and that that was okay. I'm not a victim, but it was a lot to have to deal
with, you know, as a child. So I really do, I actually think something like that
would be important for any parent to do, but especially a parent that wants to
adopt children to really look at themselves before they take something like this on.
And it's really not talked about very often. Yeah. We also have fantastic tools in
our archives for understanding your attachment style based on the way that you were
parented. Oh, good. And we find many, many families appreciate the opportunity to
look at the challenges that they had growing up and how they were raised so that
they can make the adjustments and open themselves to learning and growing to better
parent the next generation. One more interruption, if I may. I'd love to tell you
about our 15 free courses at Bitley slash JVF support.
Thanks to the Jockey Being Family Foundation, we are able to offer you the library
of free courses that will strengthen and support your family through many of the
topics that you're hearing us talk about today, how to talk to your children, how
to talk about adoption, what's the impact of fostering or adopting on children who
already live in the home? Those are just some of the topics that these 15 courses
cover and I think you'll really appreciate the opportunity to take the courses, hear
from guest experts, and do it all for free. So thanks to the Jockey Being Family
Foundation for that. You can find the library at Bitley -J -B -F support.
That's b -it .l -y -slash -J -B -F support.
Let's go back to the interview now.
You've been Frank here about the challenges that you experienced growing up in the
home of 16 children, many from different cultures and races and parts of the world.
Could you highlight a couple of the things that were maybe challenges growing up,
but you've been able to kind of convey them into strengths or skill sets now?
You alluded to it a little bit at the beginning, but I'd like to hear kind of
like a summary of that part of things. Well, you know, again,
I had a
You know, and I also saw that, you know, in the work that I did with children in
inner cities. I remember one time I went into a Boys and Girls Club, and this one
was, I don't know, it was in a housing project, maybe a mile away from the White
House. Most of my career was in Washington, D .C. And I walked in and this little
girl said, oh, my God, I've never seen a real live white person. And I said,
wow, well, Do I look the way you thought I would look? And she put her hands on
my skin and she said, you're so shiny. And that is a reality. And that happened
maybe, I don't know, 20 years ago. But, you know, having this experience of like,
what do you mean you've never seen someone that doesn't look like you? So I think
that was really the most profound thing, but also this ability to go in and out.
Right. But I always had this kind of dual life, you know, like in.
to the challenges. You know, I feel like we've kind of covered that. But I did
have incredible opportunities in my career, especially, to really kind of weave in my
own childhood, you know, into the larger picture. And I also think it's important to
mention that, you know, before my mother died, she told people she had 37 children.
So after my parents got divorced, she remarried a man from Liberia,
and they went to Liberia and built schools, and this is when Charles Taylor was
still leading Liberia. And so there were a lot of war orphans. And, you know,
one of the children that she adopted, you know, this girl was oil and water with
my mom. And I just loved her so much. And I saw myself in her. And my husband
and I actually, she came to live with us when she was 14. So I helped, you know,
to raise her. So even as an adult, I felt a responsibility and an obligation to
help children that my mother was not taking care of. And that happened a few times.
You know, she had other children that, you know, she would say to me, well, you
never had children. I want you to experience this. You know, why don't you take
this one for the summer? And my father kind of had to get involved.
to many diverse people that you would come across as an adult.
I heard empathy, which is an excellent life skill for us to cultivate as adults.
But I also heard resilience. And I wondered if you could talk a little bit about
you have a memoir coming out that is going to kind of trace your life story and
talk about your path to resilience. I wonder if you could just give us a
perspective on how you see resilience and maybe some practical,
ended up with some practical thoughts on how to help our kids,
whether they're biological in our homes or adopted in our homes, how to create the
conditions for resilience. I don't think I really understood what resilience was until
I was older. And I, and I, you know, went to therapy. And, you know, I did a lot
of work on myself, only to try to figure myself out. I mean, again, these
depressions were, were pretty significant. And I didn't really understand them. So,
you know, you and I've talked about someone that you've had on your show before,
Dr. Jana Huntsley. And her research is fantastic. And I think everyone who's thinking
about adopting should read her research, but especially families that have biological
children. And I met her only a few years ago when I realized through writing this
book and looking at comparable titles that this story has not been told and that
the adoption community rarely talks And I think that, you know, part of that is
because people just make an assumption that the biological child is resilient because
they've kind of had to be. But all of her research made so much sense, you know,
invisibility, parentification, peacemaking, you know, I always want everybody to be
happy. And then the piece that I think is really important is that the biological
child oftentimes takes on the vicarious trauma of the adopted siblings.
And, you know, understanding all of those things really helped me to see kind of
the root of some of my challenges, but also these skills did help me to succeed,
to be able to pay for my own college, to be able to, you know, own a home and
all of those things. So, You know, I think I didn't have children.
So my focus was my career. And again, that was to feel important.
But it also, growing up the way I did, makes me an excellent collaborator. And,
you know, we had to come up with our own solutions all the time, whether it was
making dinner or what we were going to have for dinner or what we could like go
through to try to put some kind of a dinner together,
you know, to how are we going to, we all had chores. How are we going to split
that up? We actually all got along very well. You know, we helped raise each other.
And so I think I'm a really good leader because I had those experiences.
And I also just think having to ask myself a lot of questions. I think I'm pretty
in touch, but I absolutely am super. I have a lot of empathy,
and I've been told that, you know, I'm very empathic. And that comes from absorbing
other people's stuff. So as an adult, I've really had to be careful with my,
my energy. We had no boundaries in my house. So I've always kind of struggled with
that and also putting other people's needs in front of my own. But I was kind of
groomed to have that. And there are good things and bad things about all of this.
Right. And that's where resilience comes in. Yeah. I am grateful for having all
those skills. But I'm not going to say it wasn't easy, especially when I didn't
really understand. And, You know, I mean, now as an adult, and in writing this
book, which has been incredibly healing, and it's kind of three parts. I mean, the
first part is the childhood, because that's kind of the street cred, you know, talk
about what I want to talk about. You know, it was a very unique childhood. But
there were things, ways that it affected me as an adult that, you know,
I don't think I ever really would have all, you know, put together. And just these
practices that come now, especially around my feelings, I feel things in my body.
We all do. And where is that coming from? Yeah. You know, and really being mindful.
I'm a lot more present, I think. You know, I'm very fortunate to have a marriage
where I do feel like I'm the number one priority. and that was important to me,
even in my first marriage. And, you know, feeling seen and feeling like a priority
and feeling appreciated, you know, for what I bring to anything, you know, has been
a big theme for me in my adult life. So, you know, again, to go back to what
you're saying, I think that I'm very receptive, I'm very open. I've never really
been a big judger and, you know, just this feeling of collaborating and we're all
going to get there together and what do we need and, you know, that sort of thing.
So it definitely affected me in very positive ways, but also challenging ways. Yeah.
Well, I deeply appreciate your vulnerability in sharing the challenges and the
outcomes of your very unique experiences as the only biological child in a very
large transcultural family. I appreciate the touch points of encouraging parents in
particular to educate themselves. Some of the themes that I heard were educating
yourself about trauma, educating yourself about your own attachment style, educating
yourself about the individual needs and cultures of the children that you're bringing
home or planning to bring home. And I think all of those, we're an education
-focused organization. So those all resonate with me. And we will link some of those
topics in the show notes for families who are looking to deepen their education and
raise their awareness so that they can be nimble and they can be responsive to
their individual children's needs, whether those children are biological and have been
in the home for, you know, their entire lives or their,
can reach out to us and let us know about its publication date so we can share it
with listeners who are interested. Thank you. Thanks so much.