Help! My Foster Child Is Being Bullied! - Weekend Wisdom

Question: Help for a youth dealing with being bullied because they are in foster care?

Resources:

• 5 Steps to Effectively Advocate for a Child Who is Being Bullied
• Are Transracial Adoptees More Likely to Be Bullied?
• Helping Our Kids Cope with Bullies at School
• StopBullying.gov

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Hello and welcome to Weekend Wisdom, a podcast brought to you by CreatingAFamily .org.
My name is Tracy Whitney, and I am the content director of Creating a Family and
your host for this episode. Weekend Wisdom is our opportunity to answer your
questions about adoption, foster care, and kinship care. So if you have a question
and you would like to be included in an upcoming episode, please send a question to
info at Creatingafamily .org. Today's question is from a listener who prefers to
remain anonymous, and she's asking about resources and tips to help her foster child,
who is being bullied for being part of the system. And I first want to acknowledge
how painful and real this is, both for this foster mother and for this child.
So I think it's real important that the foster mom and the foster child takes some
time to kind of sit with how that feels, acknowledge the injustice of it,
acknowledge the meanness of it. And I want to take a minute to expand this a
little bit because it occurs to us as a team that if foster care is a reason for
a child being bullied, that it could also be expanded to the fact that some kids
may be bullied because they can't live with mom and dad and instead are now being
raised by a grandparent or an aunt or some other relative. The truth of the matter
is kids can be really mean to each other and they can look for those vulnerable
kind of tender spots that our kids have, which would certainly include being a
foster child or being raised by a relative caregiver. So today's focus on answering
this question about how to help a kid who's being bullied for being in foster care
is going to be some three or four practical tips to keep the child safe and to
communicate underneath it all that you are valued, you are cherished, and you are
not alone. And that's a message that every child needs to hear, but especially a
child who feels as if they're being bullied. So the first step that I would
encourage this foster mother to consider is to stay present and vigilant.
That means you're going to be watching and listening a lot. Take the time to
observe and listen to what else might be going on in this child's life.
It's really important to remember that most kids don't report bullying and certainly
many foster and kinship kids won't report bullying because it is such a tender
vulnerable spot for them. But you are going to be watching for signs of struggle,
signs of challenge. And those signs could include mood changes. They could include a
reluctance or a refusal to attend school. They could include sleep disruptions or
significant changes in sleep habits, significant changes in eating habits. It could
also include an avoidance of social media or other online activity that they
previously enjoyed. And so you're going to just be watchful for those things. If you
notice those things and you are aware that bullying is happening, then you're going
to want to, in that sense of presence that you're offering, approach the topic very
gently. I noticed that you've been really quiet after school. Do you want to talk
about it? Or, hey, I noticed that you don't do gaming anymore with Billy.
Is there something going on? You want to talk about it? And just kind of give them
space to process your inquiry, but also process how they might respond to you.
And in that presence and in that vigilance, you're going to want to do everything
you can to communicate that you believe them. Keep in mind how hard it is for kids
to report this stuff. And so if you communicate immediately that you believe them
and you keep your heart open to whatever you might hear, you're reassuring them that
their voice matters and that their experiences matter. Step two, this is a little
bit harder because it requires some documentation. You want to document and partner
or advocate with allies who will help you solve this situation for your foster
child. So you're going to be gathering information, the who, the what, the when,
the where, the how, and get the child's permission to get this information into,
you know, a documented email or things like that, a letter to the school. I find
it most beneficial to keep things by email because it develops that paper trail that
you may need. If it happened at school or on the school bus, you're going to be
emailing the school staff and keep a trail of that information that you're sharing
with them and who you're sharing it with. If a phone call comes to you instead of
a response to an email, then my recommendation is that you summarize everything that
happened in that phone call in a follow -up email later. Keep your notes and
documentation of the who, the what, the when, the where, and the how in a secure
place, whether it's a binder or a secure digital file somewhere that you can rely
on to be accessible for recall and problem solving when it comes to that.
It's really important that you know the school's anti -bullying policy if this
bullying is happening at school or on the school bus and follow their reporting
procedures formally and make it known to whoever it is that you're emailing at the
school that you are following the procedures. Supplying that documentation of the who,
the what, the when, the wear, the why, the how, you can request a safety plan that
addresses how your foster child or kinship child can be protected at school or on
the bus should bullying happen again. So that would include identifying a safe adult
for them to go to. That could include recess adjustments or lunch adjustments.
It could include like a guide for the safe transition between classes. It could
include a bus schedule change or busing changes like from one bus to another.
It's important if the bullying does occur on the bus, that you also loop in the
bus driver and the head of transportation in your emails, not just the classroom
teacher or the school principal. Then in this documentation process,
important to inform the child of all the steps you're taking to protect them. Here's
what I've asked the school to do. We'll check in again to see what progress they're
making to provide that for you. And keep the child informed, but also give the
child permission to let you know if things are not happening the way you've informed
them that plans should be happening. And then just keep in touch with those adults,
but also keep in touch with that child and find out how they feel about how things
are going, regularly offer them space to give their voice to the situation.
Step number three, we want to talk about how to build their identity and their
belonging and their resilience in safe ways that encourage them to own who they are
and celebrate who they are. You want to talk openly about their foster care story,
about their birth family, if you know anything about their birth family, talk about
their cultural and racial differences, celebrate those things. All kids want to feel
like they belong. And so if you can create and maintain a space for those
questions, for learning together, and for building up their pride in who they are,
you can help them find that path for who they are and build their confidence,
and then they're less vulnerable to being hurt by ugly, mean things that other kids
say. You can celebrate their story as a tool of understanding that differences can
be strengths, that they don't have to be like everybody else. They can take pleasure
and pride in being different than their community, but also inside of them maybe
feeling different than their community that they're surrounded by, connect them with
safe communities where they do feel like they belong and where they do look like or
have similar stories to people like them. That would include support groups for kids,
that would include peer mentors, maybe at school or in the community. It would
include maybe a cultural community group, a faith -based group, peers who understand
what they're experiencing and can help them find reasons to celebrate.
It's so much more impactful when kids hear it from other kids like them than it is
when they hear it from us. And through it all, as they're finding their little
community and their niche where they belong and where they have sense of community,
you want to keep reinforcing. I am proud of who you are. I'm with you in this all
the way. And I will do whatever I can to help you find your niche. Here's a quick
recap of those three steps. First, stay vigilant and emotionally present.
Second, document, document, document, and advocate through the school's systems or
policies if the bullying is happening at school or on the school bus. And third,
build their sense of belonging and resilience by exposing them to lots of different
opportunities that will help them find and celebrate their identity. All the while,
through all of this, your core messages for this child should be you are seen, you
are valued, you will never face this alone, we cherish your voice and your identity.
This works because your actions are grounded in guidance that is well researched.
And again, I mentioned that there's tons of resources out there on the internet for
helping a child face bullying, more particularly helping a child face bullying as a
result of being in a foster care placement. It also works because you're creating
safety for this child. And when we build up their sense of safety internally, their
physical, emotional, and mental safety, you're building their ability to trust you,
to care for them and help them navigate these difficult situations. This also works
because you're affirming and empowering them by believing them. And when you're acting
on their behalf, because you believe them, you are demonstrating to them that they
have intrinsic value and dignity. And we want our kids to know that their value and
their dignity comes not from any label, but just purely because of who they are.
And I hope that this kind of summarizes it well for you, I'll list some resources
for you in the show notes to help you dig a little deeper and do some research on
your own and find some tools and tips that work for you. And we hope that this
helps other foster and kinship families who are struggling with their kids being
bullied. Not living with mom and dad for whatever reason, whether it's foster care,
kinship care or whatever, can be a really tender, vulnerable place for a kid. And
so we want to make sure where they
use strengthening information like this. I appreciate the opportunity to help you and
to support you. And I love bringing practical tools like this to you.
So we hope that you would consider sending a question to info at creatingafamily
.org. Thanks so much for listening and I'll catch you next weekend.