Tips for Transitioning a Child from Foster Care to Adoption - Weekend Wisdom

Question: Do you have trainings for children transitioning from foster care to adoption?

Resources:

• Transitioning a Child to Your Home
• Welcoming an Older Child to Your Family
• Helping Your Child Transition Smoothly from Foster Care to Adoption
• Using Lifebooks to Explain Complex Issues in Adoption to Kids
• Books about being adopted from foster care

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Hello and welcome to Weekend Wisdom. My name is Tracy Whitney. I'm the host of the
Creatingafamily .org podcasts, this one and our hour -long weekly podcast on Wednesdays
called Creating a Family, talk about adoption, foster care, and kinship care. We love
Weekend Wisdom because it's an opportunity to bring very practical tips to strengthen
your family based on the questions that you ask us. So if you have a question
about adoption, foster care, or kinship care, please send it to info at
creatingafamily .org. We'll comb through our archives, listen to guest experts,
and put together an answer that we think will help your family with the question
that you pose. Today's question is from Mary. She wrote to us recently asking for
tips or resources to help transition a child from a foster care situation to an
adoption placement relationship. I've put together a few tips that I think will help
her, and I hope you other listeners find them helpful as well. So here are our
five tips for transitioning a child from foster care to adoption. When you are
adopting a foster child, whether they've lived with you for a while or you're now
adopting them from foster care without fostering them first, preparation for the
change and the time period of the transition is key. For you,
for them, and for the family members who are already living in your home. So tip
number one, sounds a little counterintuitive, but it's to go ahead and slow things
down. It's totally okay to slow your role. Even if you are eager to adopt this
child officially, remember that they might have some pretty big feelings and thoughts
about the process. It's okay to slow down things to accommodate their hesitance or
their questions and make sure that everyone involved is ready to handle the changes
that are coming. It might be helpful for you to consider this transition, Mary, as
a change in mindset, not just a change in status or change in location.
So if you go from fostering and questions about end dates to family and permanence,
it can be a tough transition for a kid to make. Taking your time to help them
understand and reframe what is happening will set all of you up for success.
For example, you know, one reframe could be being a foster child is one mindset and
now being a legal son or daughter is another mindset. And so you want to make sure
that you're taking things slowly and thoughtfully and intentionally enough that they
can kind of keep up with you in that transition. Again, this child may not have
lived with you for very long or lived with you at all. So you have to work with
the caseworker to set up that transition properly. If the child is not living with
you, you want to start slowly with short visits and phone calls or face times,
schedule a night out for an ice cream date or schedule a visit with the foster
family, and then just gradually increase the time that you spend with this child,
leading to maybe one or two overnights or a weekend visit so that the child has
time to kind of step into this new status and this new role carefully and slowly
with space to ask all the questions that they have. Whether they are currently
living with you or not, you can use that transition time to also educate yourself
and other family members on issues of trauma and the impacts that trauma might have.
You can discuss with the kids who might already be living in the home what it's
like to be a foster child versus what it's like to be an adopted child, help them
understand the difference between the two mindsets, if you will, and then be really
sure to speak specifically to your family members who are already living in the
house about what difficulties the transition might bring for this child,
like difficult behaviors or sleep disruptions, acting out, control issues are common,
sibling issues are common, self -isolation is common. So you should talk with the
people that are already in your home, whether they're adults or children, to talk
about how you're going to handle those things if you haven't already faced them in
previous adoptions or previous placements. So discussing how things might change in
the child's mindset and what that might look like is important. Also,
if you've not had this child in your home before, you should help the children
already in your home or the adults already in your home understand what a big shift
this mindset can be for a child who's moving from fostering to adopting.
So use the extended time as you're slowing things down to think about the issues,
to create a safe space for everyone's questions, and to take your time to discuss
the things that your family has questions about or wants to learn more about or
needs to learn more about. And remember, this transition can be as long and slow as
you need it to be, regardless of how quickly or how slowly the system is
progressing through the process, because the transition, if you're treating it as a
mindset, the transition is more in your control in that way. Obviously, the physical
placement of the child can impact that. The second thing I would recommend is to
create a life book with them or for them. So during the transition, while you're
waiting for the child to be placed in your home, or while you're waiting for the
adoption to be finalized, you can work on a life book, which we will link in the
show notes for you. The book doesn't have to be fancy or a big overwhelming
project. It's really just kind of a visual timeline of this child's life and their
story that can help you help them process their story. So you're going to be
compiling important information and photos. The caseworker or former foster families
might be able to inform this lifebook project with you. If you have access to the
birth family, the biological family might be able to supply information. Ants,
uncles, cousins, grandparents, those kinds of things could help contribute to the life
book. Creating it with the child, if you can, or in preparation for the child, can
show this child how much you value their story. It can also help them make sense
of their story, and it can help them figure out where you fall in their story and
the timeline of everything that's happened. Timelines can be really fuzzy for kids,
especially in foster care when they're moved frequently or when they've had multiple
placements. You can build trust.
can be a real conversation opener that makes them feel safe. And that leads me to
tip number three, you want to make space for their mixed feelings that come with
going from being a foster child to being an adopted child. You love this child and
you're excited about this child's arrival and permanency in your family, but this
child may have, and quite likely has very mixed feelings about all of this.
They could be afraid, they could be confused, they could be excited, but they could
also just have all of that going on inside of them at once. And that's a hard
place for kids to be. So you want to try and take stock of things like how
they've handled big changes in the past. And if you don't have firsthand experience
with that, you'll want to get that information from former foster workers or former
case workers, things like that. You want to learn and observe and connect with their
natural temperament and how you think they're handling their feelings. Some kids are
introverts and they will process this kind of stuff internally. Some kids are outward
external processors. And so they'll be looking for another safe person to process
this information with. There's some significant changes coming their way. And so you
want to observe and prepare yourself for how they might handle those significant
changes. For example, consider how you plan to acknowledge the child's adoption
finalization. Planning a huge celebration for this child might be really overwhelming
for them, especially if they're new to your family or new to your family dynamics.
You want to sound them out if they're old enough to have a voice and a choice,
sound them out on the ideas, observe their reactions to your suggestions, and figure
out what you think their coping skills might be. Remember that they may be tempted
to say yes just to please you or because you may expect it of them or they sense
that you expected of them. So instead, again, you're moving slowly, maybe consider
delaying any celebration until you sense that they can participate in the conversation
about a celebration, honestly, and with their full truth. It may be more subtle.
You could do a quiet, more intimate way to acknowledge their adoption that might
suit them better. And so this is something that you'll have to just kind of
observe, get their voice, and allow them the space to share their voice honestly.
Another example of the big transition ahead of them is how you observe them coping
with the actual process of the adoption. It's, again, normal for them to have mixed
feelings about the adoption process and the finality of adoption,
they may feel excitement, happiness, grief, loss, anger, confusion, all of the above.
And when you make space for those emotions and make space for the mixed nature of
those emotions, you're giving them time to process and you're telling them that they
are your priority, that you value their voice, that you value their experiences and
how they're processing these experiences. It's pretty common for them to have all
these mixed emotions, but it's also pretty common for them to be looking for a safe
space and a safe person to process those with, and you should be that person for
them. You and your partner, if you have one, you might also, you know,
offer them another safe adult if it's hard for them to process with you, plenty of
safe adults in their life is a good thing. And so giving them permission to process
it with another safe adult is honoring of their voice and tells them that you care
about them and how they're processing. A third example of the transition and change
that's come in their way that they might have mixed feelings about is changing their
name. and this can be a really touchy topic.
in this transition from foster care to adoption. Leaving room for that tells them,
again, that you honor their experience and that you honor their identity and you
want to hold space and value for that in this relationship. One way to handle it
is to wait until they're older and give them time to process their thoughts and
feelings about it. If they are already older, it's helpful to ask them what they
think or how they can come up with a name that suits what they think is who they
are at this time. Honoring that communicates tremendous value to the child who just
wants to be seen and heard and valued for who they are. Keep the dialogue open and
keep revisiting all three of these issues while you're making space for the child to
move from foster care to adoption on the timeline that feels right to them. When
you honor and value their processes through all of these things, you're building
trust and respect between you that is the foundation you need for a healthy,
attached, connected relationship for life. Tip number four is very practical in
nature. It's to know when and where to seek help. It is not uncommon for families
with new adoptions to experience a honeymoon period and new behaviors start to crop
up kind of when that transition period is over. So a common challenge that this
child might experience when they move from foster to adopted is like a regression in
their ability to regulate their emotions. Everything that they've got going on inside
of them during this transition, it feels big. It can be confusing and it can be
scary and it can be joyful and helpful too, but it's a lot to contain inside one
kid. And so no matter their age, we have to be calm, we have to be willing to
share our calm, and we have to focus on the needs that are underneath the behavior
to carry us through this transition period, but also into a solid foundation for a
trusting, loving relationship. Releasing yourself from the pressure of knowing the
right answer to every dilemma will help the child see that you are vulnerable and
willing to learn. It will help them understand that they can trust you because they
don't know all the answers and it will feel safe to them to know that you don't
know all the answers either. You can't get caught up in questioning everything.
So it's going to have to be that you kind of selectively think about really what
is the child expressing, even if the behaviors are really challenging, what is the
child expressing or trying to express with that behavior that might involve getting
help from others? And again, you don't have to know all the answers all the time,
but you have to know where to get the answers or who to go to for support. So
want to have like a village around you that will support you, other people in your
life who get it. We have a very active support group on Facebook at facebook .com
slash groups slash creating a family. And that community of folks over there are
very supportive and encouraging. They love sharing their experiences to help other
families. But we also offer post -adoption support groups to learn about managing
difficult behaviors, to learn about challenges that kids might face, or how to parent
in a way that respects and honors the experiences they've had so far. And you can
learn more about those by emailing info at creatingafamily .org.
I would also highly recommend that you set up some adoption incompetent therapy,
either as a whole family, or you and this child, or this child alone,
depending on their age and their preferences, because you all want to learn some new
tools and new ways to cope with the feelings that come with this big process.
Respecting and honoring this child's experiences before joining your family and during
the transition builds trust between you and gathering all the tools around you for
the long, slow transition and for the after of parenting them as your adopted child.
These are all things that are crucial to building the trust and deepening the
attachment between you. And these are things that will give them the foundation they
need to thrive in your home, but also as they launch towards adulthood. No matter
what, through this whole process, taking your time, educating yourself, giving space
and voice, all of these things will communicate how deeply you value this child's
thoughts and feelings, and it will all help them understand how crucial their well
-being is to your whole family's well -being. So whether they're making small decisions
or navigating significant life changes during this transition from foster care child
to adopted child, they deserve to stand on a sturdy foundation of your love and
your commitment and the sense of belonging that you can cultivate with them during
this process. I hope this answer helps you and helps others like you who are moving
from foster care to adoption wherever you guys are in the process. I mentioned
challenging behaviors earlier, and they are bound to happen, and I want to tell you
about our brand new downloadable guide called Navigating Challenging Behaviors,
Practical Strategies for Families. It's chock full of practical supportive tools and
strategies that will help you learn to see what's under the behavior and learn how
to manage the behaviors so that the behaviors can improve. If you go to
creatingafamily .org slash newsletter, you can choose this resource as our thanks for
subscribing to our free monthly newsletters. You will find it full of great
information and very practical help, like I said. I love the section on self -care
because self -care is one of my favorite things to talk about, but I think that
self -care is a crucial element to successfully managing challenging behaviors in our
families. Thanks so much for listening. I hope that this was helpful to you,
and I look forward to seeing you next week.