Taking Care of Yourself When Parenting Harder to Parent Kids

Do you sometimes feel that self-care is an impossible goal when you are parenting kids who have experienced trauma? There isn’t enough time in the day to do it all, much less take care of yourself. Or is there? Join us to talk about how to find time to take care of yourself. We will talk with Angelica Jones, MSW, Program Director of Intercountry Services and the Intensive Service Foster Care Recruiter and Trainer at Vista Del Mar Child and Family Services.

In this episode, we discuss:

• “Selfcare” or “take care of yourself” are overused but still vitally important terms for foster, adoptive, and kinship parents.
• Why do all parents but especially parents of kids who’ve experienced trauma need to practice self-care?
• What is secondary trauma?
• Why are kids who’ve experience neglect, abuse and other childhood traumas harder to  parent?
  • Challenging Behaviors
  • Learning disabilities
• The busyness of foster and adoptive parenting.
  • So many appointments (therapy, OT, tutoring, doctors, IEP meetings, social workers, birth family visits, etc.)
  • Helping with education-homework struggles.
  • Dealing with the emotional fallout from early life trauma.
• What are some of the barriers to taking care of ourselves as adoptive, foster or kinship parents?
• The importance of respite care and the barriers to parents using it.
• Practical ideas for providing self-care.
• Think small when thinking self-care.
• Ask for help and accept it when offered. If someone offers to help, say “yes” and suggest something specific.
• Parent Support groups

Chapters

• 2:12 Why is self-care important?
• 4:19 What are some of the things that make parents of adoptive or harder-to-parent children so busy?
• 6:49 What are some of the barriers that parents of harder-to-parent children experience?
• 9:20 What are some practical ways parents can get help so they can make time for self-care?
• 15:03 What’s the importance of physical self-care, such as exercise?
• 17:52 What are some other ideas for getting alone time for self-care?
• 25:59 Why do foster parents sometimes hesitate to utilize respite care?
• 30:27 How stressful is parenting harder-to-parent kids on marriage and partnerships?
• 33:27 How important is it to find a support group?

Transcript

Please pardon any errors this is an automated transcript.

Do the holidays make it impossible to find a moment to yourself to just breathe and
decompress a little? Do your child's behaviors, sleep changes, or classroom conduct go
a little crazy this time of year? Parenting a child with a history of trauma or
learning challenges or diverse needs can be consuming, exhausting, and overwhelming.
Hello, I am Tracy Whitney, the content director of Creating a family and this is
creating a family talk about adoption foster care and kinship care i'm so glad you
joined us today and i'm excited to share this interview from our archives with you
today as we are gearing up for the holiday season this conversation between our
founding director don davenport and angelica jones msw from vista del mar child and
family services is just in time for the holiday season. When we are in the trenches
of parenting through unusual routines, extra lights, extra noises, and lots of sugar,
it's easy to forget to take some time for ourselves, isn't it? Self -care is very
often discussed in terms of pampering and luxurious spoiling of oneself,
but in reality, it should be so much more than that. Fueling yourself and allowing
yourself to enjoy the things that refresh your spirit means that you can show up
more fully for your children and for your whole family. It also means you can
buffer yourself against some of the burnout of secondary trauma. And so we would
like you to take a moment to yourself, put your feet up, maybe pop in some
earbuds, grab a cup of tea or a cup of coffee, and listen in on this conversation
about self -care. You deserve it. You
And it's especially important to the parents that we seek to serve, foster,
adoptive, and kinship parents. So let me start by asking you. I just said that it
was important, but why? Why do all parents, but especially parents of kids who have
experienced trauma, need to practice self -care? Yeah. Well, thank you so much for
having me. You know, there are many reasons why, right? And I think one of the big
reasons is vicarious trauma. And you are truly listening to these kids' stories and
bearing witness to the pain and fear that they've been through. And so that puts a
toll on you, which then I think connects to compassion fatigue. And in that sense,
you're absorbing that trauma. And that could create a secondary response within you
as the caregiver. If for nothing else, you're less effective as a caregiver because
it leads directly to burnout, the secondary trauma does. Exactly. Exactly.
You know, and in addition, you know, I alluded to this at the beginning. And it's
not that it's these children's fault, but often they are harder to parent because of
behavioral challenges, emotional health issues, school, learning disabilities.
disabilities.
layer there for you. Yeah, absolutely. You know, there is probably not a resource
parent or adoptive parent out there who is it secretly on some level rolling their
eyes at the thought of, oh yeah, somebody's going to tell me that I've got the
time to practice self -care. Being a foster or an adoptive parent,
especially if the children have experienced trauma, there's just so much to do.
They are just, our lives are just so busy. Let us count the ways,
you know, on one hand, can you just name off some things that is a, in the
typical life of a foster parent or an adopted parent who's adopted a child at an
older age or a child who experienced trauma? Yes. So there are therapies,
physical therapy, occupational therapy, dentist appointment, regular doctor's
appointments, school, if they're school -aged. I mean, there are so many different
things. And then coupled all with challenges that, you know, that could go into,
I don't want to go to the doctor's appointment. And what does that look like for
you? Yeah, especially with the foster parents doing visits with the biological family,
visits with social workers, there are other, you know, other professionals that you're
meeting, especially if that child is a part of a wraparound team, they have
different professionals that come in and then you have child and family team meetings
where you're meeting with all of them, you know, at least once a month and it can
happen way more than that. So there are definitely a ton of meetings and
appointments weekly and monthly. Yeah. And throw on top of that because this is so
relevant, has been so relevant in my life. Homework. Homework. Not in addition to
everything you just said, there's some of the additional parenting challenges and then
just that normal parents are facing. But ours are harder because if our kids have
got learning disabilities or any of the other educational challenges,
having a child refusing to do homework and having to navigate with the school about
how much homework is fair and then trying to get them cajole and trying to come up
with ways to make it less onerous for the child to get their homework done, I'm
tired just talking about it. Yeah. And I think adding to that is not every child
learns the same. So trying to navigate, how does my child learn and how do we get
that properly assessed at school and how can they get through this process? Yes.
And then we're adding IEP meetings onto everything else. Necessary, but still just
one more darn thing that we parents are expected to add to our schedule,
at the same time, we're being told that we need to take care of ourselves. But,
you know, in addition to the general business, let me ask, what are some of the
barriers that you see foster parents or adoptive parents or any parent raising a
child who's experienced trauma? What are some of the barriers to taking care of
ourselves? So I think a big one that I've been thinking about a lot is as a
parent who's doing the foster situation or an adoptive parent,
you think this was my choice. So why am I going to put the burden on anyone else?
But you also have to remember that you have community here, right? And and your
friends and your family. And I think going into that, just basically knowing that,
Yes, you are a caregiver to this harder -to -parent child, but you are worthy of
that help. And that's something that, you know, it's hard to ask for with parents
and caregivers. And, you know, a lot of the, you know, your friends or family could
say, call me if you need anything, you know, and it's like, oh, what do I need?
Just thinking of those small things that you might need and being specific. I also
wonder if some of our identity is not just tied up in the idea that we are
caretakers, not care receivers, you know, and it's often,
we're uncomfortable being on the receiving end of care. Yes. Yeah. Feel weak or
needy, and that's not how we identify. And so I think that adds an additional
complication to being able to receive help. Yes, definitely.
I'm sorry to interrupt this important and valuable conversation about self -care,
but I wanted to give you one more tool to fuel yourself. Do you know about the
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will fuel you up for what might be a challenging holiday season and they will give
you just a little bit of time to yourself to refresh your mind and your body while
you listen. All right. Now let's get practical. So what are some practical ideas for
foster, adoptive, kinship families, those families who are doing the hard work of
helping children who've experienced trauma heal? What are some practical ideas for
getting help. I think the first step is really asking for permission,
right? And, you know, asking yourself for permission and saying, like, I do need
help. And what does that look like? So I think a lot of, a lot of things,
like those daily tasks that you have, you know, maybe a friend can come over and
do a load of laundry for you. Maybe a family member And maybe they don't have a
whole day to spend with the child, but maybe they can go and take that child
around the block, right? And so you have 10, 15 minutes to yourself there.
And just knowing that you are already a super parent and that you don't have to
take on everything. Yeah, you had said it earlier.
You were worthy of being cared for. So basically you're saying you could say no.
In fact, should probably exercise the use of the word no. Exactly. Yes, definitely.
And I think another big thing is setting that routine for the day because you know
your child best. You are the expert. And I think knowing that your child has a
tantrum at 6 p .m. is really important there, Right? Because you're like, okay, I
need to prepare myself for this tantrum that's coming every day at 6 p .m. So
setting that routine is really important as well. Yeah, I can speak for myself and
say that when I was younger, I totally did not appreciate how much I personally
needed routine. I actually didn't identify as somebody who was very routine. I was
much more Yes, I didn't really think I needed routines. Now, I was blessed with a
child who desperately needed routines. And that really helped me. It helped me
realize how much it was very self -nurturing for myself to know when I would have a
break and to make sure I scheduled breaks into the routine. And it really took me
by surprise, as I said, because I didn't think of myself as someone who needed it.
But I've become convinced that it's not just a,
Yeah. And so I think in knowing that, you can take that extra 10 minutes in the
morning or 10 minutes at night to do something for yourself so that it can get you
through the day. Yeah. You know, amen. Yes. You know, I often will tell parents
that I think sometimes when we say the word self -care, we are just so general that
it just doesn't have any meaning. So I try to break it down when I'm working with
a foster or adoptive parent or a kinship parent. And I will say, do one small
thing or one thing every day that you look forward to. It could be a cup of
coffee with the really, you know, a decadent creamer that you've added. It can be,
it doesn't have to be big, but do something every day that you look forward to.
I think that may be easier said than done. I don't know. Yeah, definitely. I think
a ritual is something, but I think also I like that. Yeah. I like rituals. Yeah.
And I think you were right, pointing out what that one thing is, because we can
say all day, self -care, self -care, self -care. But self -care looks different for
both me and you and for parents out there and for the parents that are parenting
those harder to parent kids and that have tons of trauma. So really pinpointing what
it is for you individually is really important here. And the importance of joy,
just something that you are looking forward to. And I would go one step further and
say once a week have something bigger that you're looking forward to. But on the
daily basis, it can be pretty small. I talked with a mom last week who was her
self -care was come heck or high water. She got into bed 30 minutes earlier than
she had been. And she got her tablet out and she bing on, I wish she was binging
on nightly on a show on Netflix, 30 minutes. And she said that just doing that one
thing made such a difference in her, in her outlook, and she'd find herself at 6 o
'clock when, you know, we were reaching the hour where no household is sane, she
would start thinking about, okay, I'm going to be watching my show in exactly two
and a half hours or whatever it was, and probably three hours, but she was looking
forward to it, the entire, during the worst part of the day, she had something she
was thinking, okay, it's got to make it until 9 o 'clock, and then I'm going to
cuddle up with my tablet and Netflix. Yes, exactly. I think that's really important.
And some people may think maybe the night is not great for them, right? Because
they know it's hard to sleep their children. So maybe that morning, you know, maybe
you're waking up 15 minutes, 20 minutes before you know your kids wake up and
you're taking that time for yourself and doing whatever, you know, praying,
meditation, working out, any of those things, fits for you. Yeah, let's talk a
little about the importance of, we talk about self -care. We have been talking about
self -care with an emphasis towards giving yourself something pleasurable, but what
about the idea of self -care and the needs of our physical health? So literally self
-care, and you mentioned working out and exercise, I think one of the challenges is
that that's not always enjoyable for everyone. That's true. It's not. And I think it
goes back to that self -care piece and knowing that that's individually for you.
So if working out is not your thing, totally fine. We'll just have to figure out
something else. I mean, I think it's also, it's like parenting, right? It's not
everything is going to work for the same child. So you just got to figure out what
works for you. And some people maybe don't like running, but they do like yoga or,
you know, anything, anything like that. Or I think going to bed early,
that's huge. Sleep is so important. And having that, you know,
20 extra minutes is really going to help your health in the long run. I know.
I worry I worry when, and I have both done it myself as far as gotten up early
to have time alone. But I worry about that because I think one of the things that
almost is universal with parents, parenting kids who have experienced trauma,
is the struggle to make certain that we get enough sleep ourselves. And so the
getting up early, although I have absolutely done it because I've been so desperate
for alone time. The problem is then we're giving up sleep. And that's a,
that's a tough trade off. Yeah, definitely. And I think everybody has their own
sleeping. Like, I need a full eight to nine hours. Other people need six to seven
hours. So it really just depends how your sleeping habits are. But also,
too, depending if you have school -aged kids. If you have school -aged kids, you can
maybe invite a friend over to have coffee with, and then that could be your time
where, you know, it's self -care for you. Yeah, absolutely. When we're going back to
the child care issues, and this doesn't work for all families and it doesn't work
for all kids who've experienced trauma, but many exercise facilities, health clubs,
have child care provided. So that would be a way to combine having somebody who is
watching your
Well, you just mentioned one about inviting a friend over so that the kids are
playing. So you are creating alone time for you because the kids are occupied. Any
other ideas about how to do that? Yeah. I mean, and this is where I think the
community really comes in and your friends and your family. And I think I mentioned
this before, having them take the child around the block, having them take the kids
to the park for an hour, 30 minutes even, that kind of gives you that time to do
your thing, you know, do what you need to do at the house because a lot of
people, they want to clean up right before they can like fully relax. So I think
those are really big things. And creating time and having that routine and knowing
that I have 15 minutes when Nancy comes over to,
you know, hang out with the kids or, you know, the next door neighbor hangs out
for an hour outside after class. Those things are what you have to kind of take a
handle of because sometimes it doesn't happen, right? It doesn't happen every day. So
also being mindful of that. Like, I know on Wednesday I'm going to have two hours
after 3 p .m. to myself. Yeah. And then just knowing that that's coming helps you
like the oak.
kids for an hour on Saturday morning so we can go for a cup of coffee. Or I
could really use somebody from two to three so that I can do anything,
just be alone or I could clean up the house without the kids or whatever. So
that's a specific thing. Our friends often want to help, but we have to be able to
tell them what it is that would be helpful for us. Yeah. Yeah. And I think friends
listen up because dropping off a meal, right? You know, that's,
that's so helpful in taking care of your, you know, your friends and family that
are doing this hard work is dropping off a meal. Like I said, coming and doing the
laundry, hanging out with the kids, that community is huge in this, this self -care
piece. Because sometimes there are single parents, right? And so it's only them.
And so having a support system is helpful. Absolutely. I'll tell you a story.
It was a single mom. She had adopted one of her foster children and she was
fostering two others. So she was parenting three. And she said something at her,
she was just tired, just not surprisingly. And she said something at her Sunday
school class about, they said something about, well, what can we do? It was again,
it was a vague offer of help. And she said, you know what? If I had just one
week where my laundry was folded, I can get it washed. I can usually get it
somewhat dry. But then it sits in a basket. And I stare at that basket every time
I walk by and I think, just one more darn thing I'm supposed to do. And the kids
are having to go in there looking for their clothes in the morning and everything's
wrinkled and she goes, I just can't keep up with the laundry and specifically it
was the folding. So they came up with a round robin where they had somebody come
three times a week and she actually ended up doing most of the washing and the
drawing, but she would stick in it. They would fold clothes and put it up. And she
said it was this single, and they did this for a while. It wasn't just a coming
in one week. And it gave, it brought the, the class together because they were
realizing that they were doing something very tangible to help her. And she said it
was a lifeline, not seeing that pile or worse yet, she said she would dump it on
her couch in front of the TV. And so her couch was covered with, I mean, I so
appreciate that because I know what my couch looks like right now. And I thought,
what a wonderful story of community. Yes. Laundry. I mean, who can keep up with
laundry? Yeah. Really? Who wants to fold clothes? I mean, you know.
Exactly.
Yeah. You know, it's also sometimes parents don't know what they need.
And so that's big too. And so being that friend and just going over and saying,
hey, I'm taking them for 15 minutes. Hey, I brought over a casserole. You know,
those are really helpful things because they're like, oh, I didn't even know that I
needed to make dinner tonight or I didn't know that the dishes were so bad and
piled up that it was really bugging me. Yeah. And when you bring a meal, don't
bring it in something that has to be returned, you know, the pot or whatever, the
casserole dish. Bring it in something that is disposable because often,
I mean, just don't add one more thing that somebody needs to do, which is to get
your pan back to you like that. You know, another idea, and again, this doesn't
work for all kids or all families, but is to hire a teenager to come over if your
house is like mine between the hours of five and six 30 there is really no strong
parenting going on having somebody else come over to be at your house during that
time and it could be a teenager because you're going to be there it's just another
set of hands another somebody to sit at the kitchen table helping with homework
somebody getting the younger children into and out of the bath you know those things
It's not for everyone, and it will cost something, but the person you're hiring
doesn't have to be, doesn't have to be 18, depending, of course, if you're fostering
children, you'll need to get permission from the caseworker for this. But often
that's, that would be permitted because you're going to be there at the house during
that time. Exactly. Yeah. That's a really good point. And just remembering those
little things, the dishes, the laundry, They may seem little to you,
but to them, it's going to mean the world. Yeah. Well, hey, that's true. You could
hire somebody to just come over and, you know, a teenager, although my experience
with teenagers is that's not a job that they would rather come play with the kids.
They don't want to fold laundry. Washing dishes and folding laundry. Perhaps it was
just, it's just my teens, but that's not something that I have to pay a whole lot
of money. So let's go back to other practical ideas that any other practical ideas
you can think of that would be helpful for families who are struggling to take care
of the parents who are taking care of themselves. Yeah. So I'm thinking about two
things. And I think you mentioned it a little bit, respite care. And a lot of
caregivers, they don't want to use respite care, but it's important. And if you need
it, you are that person that's giving this child everything you have and you need
to be 100%, 110%, 130%. So using respite care is,
you know, for the foster care families out there, really, you know, it's not
something saying you're a bad parent because a lot of people think like, oh, I
don't want to do that. That's no. No, you should do it. And when you have that
opportunity and you take a few days off, it's going to, it's going to revitalize
you and recharge you. What are some of the hesitancies that you hear from foster
parents, resource parents, about accepting respite care, asking for respite care.
What are some of the barriers? So with respite care, the families are hesitant
because it's another placement. It's another caregiver taking care of this child.
And as we know in the foster care system, these kids have multiple placements. So
that's a big barrier for foster parents and resource parents that they don't want to
create more trauma by, you know, sending them to another home for a few days,
especially if they're the little ones and they kind of don't know what's going on.
You can't really explain, hey, I'm going to be, you know, you can reach me by
phone. I'll be here for three days by phone and I'll be back. Like they don't
really understand that piece. So I think it's a fear of creating more trauma in the
child. And is that a realistic fear? So again,
I think for the little ones who don't really understand, it can be, right? Because
they don't know. They don't know why they're going somewhere for three days. And I
think starting to talk to them about it once you know, like, okay, I am going to
do this for a couple days. Let me just start saying like, hey, so and so is going
to watch you for a little bit, maybe showing them pictures and like knowing that
that caregiver will be a safe place for them for a little bit of time and that,
you know, they'll be back right to you. So preparing them in advance. Okay.
I also hear what you're saying from parents who are hesitant to use respite care.
And I will be frank, not all agencies are particularly good at providing respite
care because we hear from foster families who say, I'm begging for respite care. And
either it's not available or the caseworker is not getting it for me. And if you
want to predict burnout, it's a huge predictor of a family that's going to quit
fostering. Is it if they're asking for respite care and they don't get it, then
that's just a guarantee for problems. But you're saying that even when it's
available, that some families are not taking it. So I hear you. Exactly. And I
think a little tip to what you were talking about, just piggybacking off of that is
your, your
the support groups. And so that might feel like a more of a better fit. And
they're already background checked and all that stuff, right? So they don't have to
go through all that to do it. And then sometimes family members do step up and
friends do step up that can get background checked and all of the, all the checks
that they need to be able to watch the child for a few days. Yeah,
absolutely.
Let me just pause here for a minute and say that being connected to other pair.
communities specific to host adoptive slash foster families and then a second one
specific to kinship caregivers and you can find out all of the information about
those smaller groups within the larger group over at Facebook those groups all
function on the curriculum called interactive training and support for foster adoptive
and kinship families and we have facilitators that run you through the curriculum in
those small groups and we would love to
to the interview.
So in addition to talking about self -care, I think it's helpful if you are in a
partnered relationship to talk about couple care, the taking care of the unit,
the either marital or partnership unit. Do you see that in your work?
How stressful is fostering or parent and kids have experienced trauma.
How stressful is that to marriages or two partnerships? It can be very stressful.
I think the benefit of having a partner while you're doing this work is if you're
very stressed out, then your partner can take the children, right? And so you don't
really have to rely on family and friends or, you know, somebody who the agency
finds. But then also having that time together. And if you didn't have to,
parent is working and the other parent is taking the child to doctor's visits and
biological parent visits and all these things. So then you maybe don't even see each
other until you go to bed. Well, and even just as commonly,
both parents are working. One parent is taking, and usually it is one parent who is
doing most of of work as far as taking the kids to appointments or whatever. And
then you come home and you still are working because you're parenting these kids.
And at some point, you can go days without passing more than a few words other
than you do this, you do that to your partner. And that's just not good in the
long run. You want to talk about burnout. That will be the top reason you end up
quitting. Definitely. Definitely. And I think that that can create a lot of friction,
especially in your parenting, right? Because if you're not good with your partner,
then it's not going to relay into the parenting, right? Because you're so mad that
they didn't take out the trash or you're so mad that they didn't, you know, do
whatever that they, you know, didn't do that it does create a little friction there.
So. Oh, yeah. Because it puts more work on you and you're already feeling overworked
and you're feeling that there
who understand and can help nourish you is because you don't have to explain what
you're going through. How important do you find support groups? So important. I mean,
and sometimes it takes families a while to kind of get into it like, oh, we got
to go to that support group on a, on a Wednesday night. And sometimes it's hard to
make it to that, right? When you're parenting these kids. But support groups are so
important. And I think having some sort of connection to somebody who's also going
through the same things as you are. And you don't have to say like, oh, I'm so
tired because of this. It's just kind of, it's there. And we know, we know
everything that's happening. So going to those support groups and creating a little
village within the foster care resource parent, adoptive parent world is so important.
Yeah, absolutely. Support groups don't have to be. I think there is a place
certainly for in -person, but they don't have to be in -person to provide the sense
of community and that sense of normalcy that somebody gets my life experience.
Yes, yes. And when we were speaking about the couples, I think another practical tip
for couples would be to,
partner and you can read a book. You can watch something on TV. You can talk about
your day. So it just, it creates, you know, open communication and kind of a
quality time, even though the children are still in the room. Yeah, that's a,
that's a very good suggestion. And even though this is not the supposed to be what
we say, and this is not the general party line. I say one of the main reasons
that you should be very selective about screen time and TV time for your kids is
that I think it can be used as a babysitter when you do it selectively.
So don't do it indiscriminately. Know that you're going to need a break. And if you
have a child who loves, you know, we'll watch something, we'll watch a cartoon and
sit there and actually get engrossed in the cartoon or will play a game and you
can count on that as a 30 minute break. Use it for that, which means you don't
use it at other times because it won't, number one, it won't work as effectively if
they have it all the time. And number two, we don't want our kids to be totally
inundated with screens. Yes, exactly. And I think another big one is music.
We have a big music family. family. And I think putting on some great music and
dancing to the music can create that time with your partner and with the kids.
And then it'll also tire them out so they can go to sleep on time. A tufer. Wear
them out and get a little screen time. And also just a little enjoyment.
You know, that adding music and dancing just brings a spark of happiness to the
whole family, which is we're talking self -care for parents, but self -care for the
family unit is something to say as well. I think we don't do enough of that when
we're in the midst of what I call hard parenting. We forget about nurturing, just
having fun. Agreed. Yeah. That's definitely something that gets lost in translation.
Yeah. Well, thank you so much Angie Jones for being with us today to talk about