Creating a Family: Talk about Adoption, Foster & Kinship Care

Preventing Sexual Abuse

• Creating a Family • Season 19 • Episode 85

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What strategies can parents and caregivers implement in their homes to help reduce the risk that their children may be sexually abused? Learn practical parenting tools from this conversation with Dr. Eliana Gil, the founder of the Gil Institute for Trauma Recovery and Education. She specializes in the assessment and treatment of trauma in children, especially those who have been sexually abused.

In this episode, we discuss:

  • Why should adoptive and foster parents and relative caregivers learn about the risks for sexual abuse of children in our community and how to prevent it?
  • How can parents or caregivers tell the difference between normal childhood curiosity and behaviors that may signal a problem?
  • What are some warning signs that might give parents or caregivers a clue to dig deeper into problematic behaviors they observe?
  • If a child is showing some of these concerning behaviors, what are some practical and supportive ways caregivers can respond?
  • Why is it preventative for parents and caregivers to use correct anatomical terms with kids?
  • Can you offer a few practical suggestions for parents and caregivers to get more comfortable with correct terminology, if they find this an obstacle to equipping and educating their kids?
  • What signs should parents and caregivers be on the lookout for – things that may suggest a child has been abused?
    • 5 categories: fear/anxiety, depression, sexual acting out, attachment
    • Emphasize that no single sign proves abuse but patterns and context matter.
  • If a caregiver suspects abuse, what steps should they take?
  • What is the parents’ or caregiver’s role once they have reported to the proper authorities?
  • What are some everyday preventative practices families can put in place to keep kids safe while also allowing them to grow in healthy ways?
    • Protective, not paranoid
    • Open communication in the home
    • Supervision by safe adults
    • Safe boundaries in the home
    • Teaching consent and respect
    • Modeling healthy relationships
  • Any last words of advice for adoptive parents, foster parents, or relative caregivers about protecting their kids from sexual abuse?

 

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Please leave us a rating or review. This podcast is produced by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them.

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Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Hello, and welcome to Creating a Family, talk about adoption, foster care, and
kinship care. I'm very excited about today's conversation because we are welcoming Dr.
Eliana Gill to the show to talk about how to prevent sexual abuse in children.
My name is Tracy Whitney. I am the host of the Creating a Family Podcasts, and I
am very excited about this opportunity to talk to Dr. Gill and support families who
are raising children who are at risk for sexual abuse and supporting children who
have experienced sexual abuse. Dr. Gill is the founder of the Gill Institute for
Trauma, Recovery, and Education. She specializes in the assessment and treatment of
trauma and children, especially those who've been sexually abused. She is a licensed
marriage and family therapist, a registered play therapist supervisor, and a registered
art therapist. And we're delighted to welcome Dr. Gill to the Creating a Family
podcast. Thank you for joining us. Thank you very much. Let's set the stage for
families right off the bat about understanding why it's necessary to learn about the
risks for sexual abuse and how we can prevent it for adoptive foster and relative
caregiver families? Yeah, it's definitely one of the most important topics,
I think, that exists because there are so many children who are not safe and who
are at risk from trusted adults, people that they may know, people that they may
have relationships with. And children basically go into life and relationships with
open hearts. And they do tend to be trusting of others. There's only so much that
they're capable of really figuring out on their own as they mature,
obviously. The cognitive piece comes much more into play. But early on,
they're really very innocent and susceptible to people who would want to do them
harm. And so it's interesting when I started working in child abuse prevention in
the 70s. And I remember the early efforts were really to educate and empower
children. And we went out to the schools and we were trying to teach kids.
Just some basic ideas about saying no,
running away, talking to someone, getting help. And while I think that that's
important for kids to have sort of as a backdrop of here are some things you might
try to do, I think that it also puts the burden on the children to protect
themselves. And so I thought that that was one of many things that needed to
happen. And the other one, which is a part of what we're doing here today is
really to educate adults about how susceptible children are and what you're likely to
see if someone begins to be inappropriate with children.
And so what we now know, I think, and understand pretty well is that it's very
hard for children to come and get help from someone. It's very hard for them to
reach out the way we would hope they would, like immediately come and tell us if
something's concerning them, what ends up happening is that how parents can become
aware of something going on is by looking at the child's behavior.
And by understanding that sudden changes in behavior really need to be identified and
understood. In other words, that you don't look away and say, oh, gee, they're so
quiet recently, or they used to like to come out and, you know, play with the
other kids or be with the family. Now they just want to be in their room. Anything
like that that becomes like a sudden change in behavior could be indicative that the
child's struggling with something. And then it becomes important for the parents to
really kind of sit with them not start building communication at that point,
but to already have kind of a foundation for having conversations with kids and
making that kind of a routine part of family life checking in with them maybe at
the end of the day, maybe just having a moment where each of them talks about the
kind of day they had and maybe happy things that happen, but also sometimes sharing,
oh, and then this difficult thing happened and here's what I did with that. Or I
had this big feeling come up and here's how I handle it. So that the parents are
constantly modeling and setting that foundation for, we can talk here.
Sometimes the child just listens and that's fine, but you're modeling that this is
what we do here. We want to have open communications. So if that's already been set
up, then it's a little bit easier to check in. And just to notice with children,
you've been really quiet lately, or we notice that you're wanting to spend a lot
more time alone and just interested in that, interested in what's going on in your
head or if there's something that you would want to share with me.
And so that's one way to do it. It's just to maintain the contact with the child
model and then have these little check -ins occasionally. I think if people can build
a routine around that, I know families are very busy. So maybe once a week having
a little get -together where everybody just checks in to see how the week is going.
Anything like that will help promote the potential of communication and how it can
be helpful so that if parents do end up seeing things they don't understand, they
can bring them up. That was a very long -winded answer. But I also just want to
say, and then in addition to the families, then there's the next layer and the next
layer is community. And that means people in church or daycare or wherever children
happen to go, also maintaining sort of a guardianship for children,
something that so that everyone is connected to the child and kind of creates a
safety net. And so if we can't continue to build those kinds of, I'm calling them
guardianships for lack of a better word, but some kind of protective net. Right. By
first. Yeah. Then I think the child might do better, especially when they're in
difficult situations. So that all is really great information for a family that has
had those ongoing habits of open communication and exposing your kids to safe adults
and safe community. We're talking to a pretty specific demographic of families who
may not have that foundation because this child is new to their family or this
child has experienced significant trauma and chaos before coming to this family.
Trusting adults doesn't come easily to some of our children, especially if they've
come to us at an older age and have had lots of experiences where adults were not
trustworthy. What are some of the healthy and typical developmental stages that we
can be looking at and observing in our children.
And then how do we layer on that conversation about our kids,
maybe additional risk factors like not trusting adults or not communicating openly and
clearly into this conversation? Sure. And I think what you say is really important
that in foster homes, you're inviting children in who come from families where
there's been just very different habits, very different routines, very different
patterns. Sometimes kids have been told repeatedly not to share information with
others, not to talk to to anyone that they shouldn't trust people other than a
family. So it gets very insulated at times in terms of the messages that kids are
sent. And so I think early on when kids first come into foster care, it's almost
like a process of being with and kind of just allowing the child to get the lay
of the land, see how communication occurs in the family. Notice how there may be
routines that they're not familiar with. It might have been they came from a very
unstructured family home and then to have like wake up time,
go to bed time, TV watching time may feel really unusual and different to children.
So there's a grace period, I think, where it's almost like being with them without
demands. It's almost like just showing them, kind of walking them through.
this is what we do here, or if they have other kids in the family, they can kind
of use them a little bit to show, you know, she also was a little bit confused at
first and now she understands or something like that. But to begin to build very
slowly, it's going to be very expectable for kids to try to manage that situation
in whatever way they can. Some of them are going to act out. some of them are
going to cry and withdraw. Some of them are just going to be observers and they're
just going to be probably cautiously aware of what might be going on.
Now, obviously, the younger the child, the more the needs are that need to be
addressed pretty quickly. So, you know, when kids are in those early zero to five,
they need a lot of direction, a lot of guidance. And also their basic needs have
to be met. Right. It isn't until they grow up a little bit, start going to school,
that they start figuring out that there are lunchtimes or that their hunger is dealt
with in specific ways or even if they have to go to the bathroom, that there's a
way they can ask for help. There's a way they can do that. So after they get to
be five, we always say five because kids go to school and that's and social
interactions can begin. And also kids learn a lot from peers.
Peers are kind of the safest group that they interact with. And so sometimes they're
picking up whatever their habits or norms might be. As the kids get older, you can
begin reasoning with them. And you can do logic and you can give examples and you
can tell stories. But that part doesn't really come into play when they're two and
three and four, and they may just need to be held or they may just need to be
left alone for moments where the parent decides to sit next to them and just be
present while they're going through whatever emotional upheaval they may be going
through. So it's a question of really introducing the child gradually, taking some of
the demands away and introducing them little by little so the child can get
comfortable and begin to, quote, trust the situation. There are also some kids who,
you know, trust is a funny thing. It gets shown different ways, but there's some
kids who come in and hold on to someone's leg and says, okay, are you my mommy
forever? And so they seem to almost want to trust someone immediately,
which also can put them in harm's way with others who are inappropriate. And so
there's a lot to sort out. Again, they're coming from maybe inconsistent attachment
experiences where the parent maybe was there some of the time, but not all the
time. Sometimes with drug addiction, the parents are physically present, but
emotionally not. So there's a lot of things that kids are going to have to check
out. I always think with kids because I've worked all my life with little kids. And
again, we over -rely on verbal communication. But they come in and somebody might
throw something at me the moment they come in the door. And I look at that and I
think they're asking a question. They want to know, is it going to be safe here?
Are you going to get mad at me. Are you going to throw something back? Can I hurt
you? And so all of those questions need to get answered slowly but surely without
being impatient with the child because that question is coming from deep inside them.
So I think again, being with them next to them, parallel to them initially is the
best approach. And then as kids start kind of letting their guard down. They start
coming towards you in a different way. Then I think opportunities for more
explanations or more communication might be appropriate. But initially,
it might really take a little bit of contact, physical contact. Sometimes just even
holding a child's hand can really calm them down a little bit so that they're less
worried and less frightened. Touch is a really powerful kind of regulator. And
oftentimes kids carry like, well, their central nervous system is all agitated in new
circumstances. So it takes a while for them to really begin to calm down. And
parents can help with that. They can say when I feel that, I tend to take deep
breaths or
crunch my face up and then relax it. Anything that begins to give kids things they
can do when they're feeling disquieted. Right. So what I'm hearing you say is one
of the very front line preventative things we can do is to be present with the
child, which that presence includes a lot of observation and a lot of learning that
child and maybe what that child's baseline norm interactive tendencies are,
but also that observation helps us kind of gauge where they are developmentally,
mentally, developmentally, emotionally developmental stage, their sexual developmental
stage, how are they understanding gender and their own identity as a separate human
being from the person they've been attached to prior to this, all of those things
that work together to create that readiness for further conversations about sexuality
and protecting oneself as we're teaching them along the world.
And modeling. The modeling is such a... Modeling is so important. And you know, when
we're talking about development as an example, when children are sexually abused,
their normal sexual trajectory is interrupted by these acts that are so inappropriate,
harmful,
confusing, painful. I mean, there's lots of words you can use there. And it ends up
for the child causing a lot of confusion what was that and and sometimes they start
for example touching themselves all the time and it may be because they've been
sexually abused there's an inordinate amount of attention placed on their genitals or
it may be something like acting out this is what happened to me and I'm showing
you or I'm not going to wait till somebody does that to me I can do touch myself.
And that might give the child for a moment a sense of being more in control. So
it's complicated because you have to sort of try to figure out what is it about
this child and this behavior that has meaning to them. What are they trying to
accomplish here? And you can hear everything in my, in my tone of voice, everything
that I'm saying is about acceptance of whatever the child brings, because that's what
they figured out in order to take care of themselves so far. So it is the behavior
that's designed to, you know, in any way be provocative to others. It's just that
it's a behavior that manifests that they have some kind of need that has not been
met. And we're the ones left trying to figure out what can we do and how do we
give them something that they need in a way they can basically welcome it.
Right. These challenging behaviors are often not just self -protective, but self
-survival. Absolutely. Yeah. So how can parents or caregivers start to tell the
difference between what may be normal childhood curiosity about one's body?
You mentioned touching themselves. And behaviors or expressions that may signal a
potential problem. Yeah, you know, there's been some research done on that.
Not enough. It seems like it's a topic that a lot of people are uncomfortable
about. But there is some research, and they show that, let's say, zero to three,
very self -exploratory. You know, you start changing diapers and the kids want to
touch themselves. And it's just kind of they're curious. They're curious with their
hands. You know, they want to stick fingers inside whatever holes they have in their
body. They suck their toes. Yes, absolutely. But we also can see, for example, that
you've got a two to three year old child. And let's say they're playing and they
don't happen to have any clothes on. They may play with something and go, oh, and
start sticking at different places, including in their genitals. But what happens is
that it hurts. And so it extinguishes that behavior pretty quickly. And so the child
may cry or be startled by that didn't feel good, but they stopped doing it. But
when you have child two and a half to three that continuously, repetitively puts
things inside their anal or vaginal opening, usually that's a sign that something's
wrong. So in some ways, if you see the behavior occurring over and over again,
if it's not responsive to directives, you know, because most kids, if they're
touching themselves and you come and you give them a ball and say, let's go play
catch, that's it. They're away from that behavior. But if you say, let's go play
catch and they go, no, and all they want to do is touch themselves, that
persistence, that repetition is kind of like a red flag that maybe there's some
reason something is going on. Typically, there are times when kids are masturbating
more. For example, masturbatory behavior increases between three and five.
And then the implication is it suddenly disappears. It doesn't disappear. It's just
that kids get more socialized. They go to school. They have guidelines. If they're
got their hands under the desk, the teacher is going to want them on top of the
desk. And slowly but surely, they learn that. But if they're not learning that, then
you would have to ask yourself the question, what's going on with this particular
child? What do we need to do to try to distract them from this behavior? Or does
it indicate some deeper concern, some repetition of behavior that they've experienced?
I always think that when it gets inappropriate is when children are crossing
boundaries. Sometimes with themselves, they can actually touch themselves so much that
they cause damage. They can lead and anything like that, pay attention to.
But if that's not the case and they suddenly start touching themselves more and more
and more and now cross the boundaries, want to touch other people, then you're
looking at something that's probably out of the norm. So I would always say to
parents just, is the behavior of your child different than their peers? Is it
something that is causing you to be concerned? And the main thing is don't look
away completely. that is don't ignore it, but also don't make it something more than
it is. Sometimes parents get afraid that this means, oh, this means something bad
happened to the child or this means they're going to grow up and have this behavior
later on. And we really don't have any evidence that shows that it continues over
time. But I do think that it rarely happens in a vacuum that a child develops
these inappropriate behaviors, and it can signal that something's happened to them,
or they're being exposed to something somewhere that's caught their attention. There's
access to laptops. There's access to television, films. There's so much inappropriate
stuff out there that kids can get their hands on, and that could have an impact.
And that's a hard thing to keep track of when you have multiple ages in one home,
access to an older siblings laptop, where you maybe weren't even aware that they had
access or knew how to get into it. It's sometimes terrifying how quickly these young
children are learning how to access devices. And it can be a potentially risky
behavior to do that. I would add that maybe when you see some secrecy around these
behaviors. That would be something to start paying a little bit more attention to.
And I also think, just from my own parenting experience, inappropriate or age
inappropriate knowledge is another warning sign, another thing that differs from normal
behavior, typical behavior. I'm sorry, I'll say it that way. So all of these things
kind of put together, again, leads back to parents being very diligent, very
observant, and very present when they're concerned about the risk for these behaviors
and what these behaviors might mean. Let's talk a little bit about what our response
as a parent or a caregiver can and should be when we do suspect that some of
these behaviors might be crossing those boundaries, as you mentioned. Yeah,
and I think that part of what I do with parents, foster parents and other parents,
is develop language that they feel comfortable with, because the reality is,
especially around sexual issues, that everybody comes with their own experience, their
own background, and for some people, It's nothing you ever talk about in public.
And for other people talking to children about it may feel acutely uncomfortable.
So it's coming up with a language and an understanding of what would you like to
convey to your child about sexuality in general. So sometimes people end up with the
statement that sexuality or sexual contact is something that happens when adults show
each other that they love each other. And so they tie it into love and affection.
I always think it's funny when I was talking to my mom about this once. And she
said, well, but you have to tell them it's only married adults. And I was thinking,
see, everybody brings their own kind of assumptions about that. But families have to
come to their own comfort level about what they do want to say. The other is
touching yourself. A lot of families feel comfortable saying it's okay to touch
private parts through your body because they belong just to you. However, they're
private, which means you have to touch yourself in private. You have to be in
private spaces. Some people are totally comfortable with that. Other people go, no,
we believe that it's a sin to touch yourself. And so we don't feel comfortable
saying that. So then it's coming to terms with what can you say. I really believe
that being non -punitive is really important. So it's not about punishing. I've seen
horrible things happen in the name of punishment around things like touching yourself
or exposing yourself. But I think the job of the parent is to set clear boundaries.
And simply saying in this family, we don't do that. Or in this home, we don't do
that. Or encouraging, you know, keeping your body private is really important to all
of us here. It's important at school. It's important in most places where you are.
And so then if you keep kind of coming back to that just as a simple statement,
that can go a long way because the child is getting reinforced for, okay,
I understand what the limits are here. If they can't use language and they can't
bring themselves to say anything, then the kids get more confused. And they get the
message, well, there's something embarrassing about it or there's something wrong about
it. And we want kids eventually to become health positive, you know,
sex positive. We don't want them to leave experience thinking sex is bad. And even
when they have been sexually abused and they've been exposed to inappropriate
sexuality, we try to talk about how the adults are the ones who had a problem in
their thinking and in their doing. And just like it wasn't okay for so -and -so to
touch you, it's not okay for you to touch someone else. And so just kind of keep
weaving in, separating always the behavior from the person. So you're not a bad kid,
you're a kid who learned, someone taught you this lesson and you learned it. And
now we're going to look at a different lesson. And I feel confident once kids have
that ability to discern that most of the time they want to do what's right. They,
you know, they want to be participating in society and getting good feedback from
people about doing the right thing. So yeah. Yeah, Dr. Ross Green always says kids
do well if they can, and it's up to us to provide the tools for them so that
they can. I love the point about non -punitive. I also think that that calm,
non -shaming response can open up the door to more conversations that can lead to
satisfying their curiosity in healthy ways, equipping them to be sex and body
positive, but also opening the door, if they do need to disclose something harmful
happened to them. They have that safe space between you and them to do that and
then to know that you are going to have their back and believe them when it's
necessary. Are you appreciating the information from Dr.
Gill, I find her so supportive and compassionate in this conversation.
If you are looking for additional ways to learn how to talk to your kids and keep
those channels of communication open and clear and trust building, we invite you to
check out our library of free courses. Thanks to Jockey Being Family Foundation,
we have 15 free courses that will help you meet your child's needs and strengthen
your family. You can find those courses at Bitley slash JBF support.
That's BIT .L .L .Y slash JBF support. Thank you.
Why is it preventative for parents and caregivers, going back to your points about
developing language, Why is it preventative for parents and caregivers to use correct
anatomical terms with the children that they're raising? Yeah, this has always been
interesting to me because I do think that kids come in and they call, I mean, I
think someone did research on this. There's like 87 different names for genitals that
children use. It was something ridiculous. Oh, my goodness. I read most of them and
I just thought they were hilarious. So for some reason, again, that comes from the
adults, right? That comes from our own discomfort, our own wanting to somehow cover
up or, I don't know. Honestly, I think the easiest thing for kids is to understand
what all the body parts are called. And then you just say the private body parts
in addition to everything else. And then they go to school and they're going to
counter kids or teachers who call them different things, but at least they know what
it is. And when you are wanting to know if they're safe or at some point,
someone may ask them if someone has touched their vagina, their anus, their belly
button, their whatever, that they know what that means and that they're able to
respond to it and able to be aware of it. And I think as we do talk about
different body parts, it normalizes things too. This isn't like a part of your body
that you have to be ashamed of. It is a part that we keep private. So even when
we go to the swimming pool, we cover our private parts. That's what we do. So
yeah, but it's, it can be confusing and it can be at times kind of humorous what
people end up calling. And I've also, I work in Spanish.
So in Spanish, oh my goodness, they call it little birds, little turtles. It's
really interesting how the lengths people go to to not use the correct language.
And then that puts kids in a position of being unsafe because someone might actually
begin using that different language, and then they're not aware that there's something
going on with, quote, private parts of their body. So it's confusing for the kids
and for the parents, I think. And I think it builds trust with our kids when we
give them the actual language and the tools to protect themselves when they
understand that you're going to tell them the truth and you're going to be straight
with them. And it builds like that credibility between you, especially if you're
welcoming a child that's not ever been exposed to that kind of frank, honest
language before this kid sees you across the board being honest about their open
adoption status or being honest about their court case status and honest about their
body. And when we can build any opportunity that we can take as parents and
caregivers to build that honesty and that trust and keep the line of communication
between us open and clear. It's just one more layer of reasons that our kids can
learn to trust us. Absolutely. Because I think left to their own devices too,
kids will make stories up and, you know, remain kind of confused. So I'm really
happy You said that even about their placement status or when they're going to have
to go to court or their parents are going to have termination of parental rights.
All of those are really big pieces of information and sometimes they're kept from
children. So I've seen people who really have so much discomfort. They think it's
going to hurt the child. And yes, there's always kind of emotional pain involved in
these big changes in their lives. But I think that the truth and them being clear
that they're going to know ahead of time from you, the trusted person, I mean, that
just goes a very long way in building attachment bonds and making sure kids are
stable and have the preparation to cope with whatever the truth might be.
Right. And the knowledge that you'll be with them to cope with whatever happens in
a court case or with their body or with their birth parents. Absolutely. So on the
topic of the discomfort around correct terminology, and we've all been there, it's
not easy to just decide to start using correct terminology. Can you give us a few
practical suggestions for parents and caregivers to help them get more comfortable
with using the correct terminology, now that they kind of know the why behind using
it, especially if they find it to be kind of an obstacle based on their own
upbringing or their own family of origin, some practical ways to start getting used
to using those proper terms. You know, I always encourage people to role play. And
that's probably from my point of view, that rehearsal, that getting the words out,
the noticing where you get stumped, where you interrupt what you're trying to say.
If you do that over and over and over again, you'll notice that physically you
start having a different response. Like when you first start out, you might feel
flushed in the face, especially if you're role -playing with another adult, let's say,
you might feel uncomfortable, it might be visible, but as you continue to repeat it
over and over again, it diffuses it. It loses some of its charge. So I would say
always find a friend, another parent, someone that you can practice with,
and then if it's at all possible to practice with an older child and say, I know
we did this when you were little, and I'm getting ready to talk to your brother or
your sister, and I thought I'd run it by you. What do you think? And so they can
do that as well. But I think that that goes a very long way. They can also
journal it, write it down, read it out loud, read it in a whisper. And I would
say just during the day, just go around kind of allowing those words to kind of
come forward. And eventually you're going to get comfortable with it. But you do
have to try with other people because that's the only place where you're going to
see where is the place that I really can't seem to get through and why is that?
And so that might lead to conversations about something they were never told about a
way a parent told them that was punitive or it could lead to any memories around
experience that they've had. So I would say to me that seems like the best thing.
I've done it as a therapist with families, like help them really role play. And we
play games, you know, that game where you send the message from one person. Whisper
down the lane. Yeah. And so it's really funny to see how people change it up and
that we can all laugh, but we're diffusing the tension associated with it. We're
trying to make light of it in some particular way. So all of those things,
I think, can be helpful. It strikes me as you're saying all that, that it also
diffuses the power that some of those words have maybe had over us in our life
story to this point. I would also add, if you are in a partnership, whether it's a
marriage or a long -term life partner, practice the language together as much as you
can so that you can be on the same page, it's so helpful and builds safety for
the kids to know that the parents or caregivers are both on the same page. When
they feel like there's not unity between both caregivers, if there are more than one
caregiver in the home, it can feel very chaotic and confusing to a child.
And this is just one more area where you can build trust by being on the same
page with your partner. Yes, and I agree with that, and I would even encourage
people to deliver the message together, and that way the child knows, I have two
resources. I don't just have one because it's, kids are interesting. It's like if a
child comes to therapy and I never say anything about why they're there, they might
imagine that why they're there is too embarrassing or too shameful or I can't talk
about it because it was such a big deal. And so I've got a model from the
beginning. You know, what did your parent tell you about coming to see me? And then
I sometimes hear funny explanations or real ones that make sense.
And I go, thank you. That's great. And also I did meet with your mom. So did your
mom tell you what she told me about what happened and the child may say yes or no
and then I say let me tell you what I know so far and this isn't something that
we're going to talk about right now we're going to get to know each other some
later time you can show me your thoughts and feelings about what happened or you
can show me by doing sand trays or art or telling me puppet stories whatever way
you want to do it but that's going to be later right now We're just going to get
to know each other, but I want you to know what I already know. And then that
just kind of sets a frame for the child knowing that I'm going to tell them the
truth. I'm not hiding anything from them. And I can say it out loud. You know,
when your grandfather touched private parts of your body, that was not okay. And
then a lot of the kids, obviously, have really loving relationships to that person.
So again, it becomes so important to not say the person is bad, but I always say
when your grandfather made that choice to touch private parts of your body, that was
not the right choice. He made a mistake in the way he thought about it, the way
he did it. But I can see you love your grandfather. I can see he was a really
special person to you. And then that way kids don't have to defend the But it is
confusing to them that this is the most insidious lesson of abuse is that people
who love you hurt you. And it's just horrible because they learn that in the
context of intimacy or when they feel that somebody likes them or loves them, then
it makes them feel like, uh -oh, that usually something bad happens. And for foster
parents, just really important concept because sometimes the kids are going to test
out that question over and over and over again. And by the way,
they've also learned certain interactions that they could repeat in the hopes of
getting a strong boundary. So I've worked a lot with foster parents and oftentimes,
let's say a child has been sexually abused by a male and there's a male in the
home, that child might sit too close to that person or might put their hand on
their knee. And I've had foster fathers say, I didn't know what to do. That was
really weird. I could feel there was something different because you can feel it.
And just to be able to say to them, you know, just in a kind voice, say, it's
not okay with me that you're touching my knee. But I can see you want to say
hello and we can wave our hands or something, but you set the boundary and you
tell them what they can do instead. And that's really important because eventually
then kids recognize, oh, this is not what's going to happen here. This is not what
this person wants from me. And that just brings a really nice calming effect on the
whole body. And they may need to ask that question many times. So it isn't just a
one time thing. They may bring it up over and over just to make sure we're okay
here. Yeah, rewiring their brain for healthy interactions and healthy perspective on
their body autonomy and other people's body autonomy. Those are repetitive
conversations. Even kids who've not experienced trauma, they need those repetitive
assurances of what's okay and what's not okay. Exactly. Yeah.
So let's look a little bit towards the warning signs that something might be wrong.
We kind of touched on them a little bit at the beginning, but let's kind of give
a list of the warning signs that something might be wrong when we are raising a
child who may have been abused sexually. Yeah. And again, there's been a lot of
research done on this. So you can feel confident that these behaviors are red flags.
And they may not always point to sexual abuse, but it may be something that the
child is trying. So I'm just going to talk about four categories. So the first one
is fear and anxiety. So kids who can't sleep through the night,
kids who are sleeping under the bed, kids who won't leave the house, any of those
kinds of, they almost feel like phobic responses. I can't go to school. I can't be
alone with another child. And especially if these are departures from what has
usually been the case, but even if they're not, if the child comes into a home and
this is a primary presentation, you know, they're just worried about everything and
bad things are going to happen. And they're sort of, you know, We talk a little
bit in attachment, in the attachment world about internal working models. And all
that means is that kids have learned what to expect from others. And so with kids
who've been abused, they've learned to see the world as dangerous. And so they kind
of feel like it's only a matter of time before somebody's going to hurt them.
Because of that, they have anticipatory anxiety, like when's it going to happen and
they have signs of anxiety like a child who hears a big noise outside and just
freezes in place and it takes a long time for them to reorganize that we're in a
safe environment. So fear and anxiety. The second one is depression.
And depression, again, looks many ways, but it sometimes is a withdrawal into self.
It's a wanting to be alone. it's a wanting to be in my room, not wanting to
interact, feeling sad, thinking, sad thoughts are saying them. Like I've had little
kids who say, I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. And that's kind
of a way that little kids start talking about suicidal stuff. And it means just
that that option has entered their world, that they're thinking it'd be better if I
wasn't here or things are never going to get better. So that kind of depression,
pessimism, lack of hope, that can be a big sign that something is really wrong. The
third one is sexual behaviors that are problematic. These are kids who, you know,
they're sort of tunnel visioned around sexuality. So they draw pictures of penises.
They say inappropriate, explicit things like you were saying earlier, they have
information that most kids their age don't. So they'll go and they'll explicitly talk
about or they'll show it with a doll like this part of the doll goes here and
then this happens. All that explicit information, the sexual preoccupation,
the constant crossing boundaries, all of that is indicative usually, especially the
explicit information can signal that this child has had an experience of some kind.
So I think, again, another big area for us to pay attention to. And then the last
one is dissociation. And simply put, it's just a way that kids kind of figure out
to not be there when bad things are happening. I had a little boy who was eight
and he was physically abused probably once a week really badly. And what he would
say to me is that when his dad was around, and he could almost know from the way
his dad drove the car to the driveway, whether he was upset. I mean, that's how
good he got at his little spidey senses telling him I'm in trouble. But he would
tell me that he'd put his fingers up against the wall. And then he'd say, And then
as soon as I touched the wall, I just went inside it. And then when my dad was
hitting me, I didn't feel a thing. And I've seen kids who are sexually abused and
they'll say, I went into a crack that was in the wall. And then I wasn't there
anymore. And it happened to that other girl. These become very confusing statements
in a legal setting. Because the kids are saying the opposite of what you want them
to say, they're saying, I wasn't there. Understanding this ability kids have to
dissociate, I think goes a long way to understanding that it's possible for them to
go on a light, a chandelier and look at what happened to them. And now they're
confused about who am I and who's that. And they don't remember it well because
dissociation by definition is an altered state of consciousness. Now, a foster parent
could walk in and see a child that's looking into space and they come right in
front of them and the person doesn't see them. That's a type of dissociation. People
go very deep into their mind and far away because they're feeling threatened by
something. Those four big categories I think are worth mentioning. And then the other
one that I think we need to pay attention to his attachment. And that is, do we
have kids, I've had kids come into the first meeting, put their arms around me and
say, will you be my forever, mommy, can I stay here forever? Can I come every day?
So there's no sense of what a relationship is and they want, want, want, too much.
Those children will be in harm's way with an inappropriate person who looks at that
behavior and says, the is coming on to me. So it gets really important for,
I think, all of us to make sure that the kids begin to get what is and is not
okay in terms of how you send signals for your needs, how you express affection.
You know, a kiss on the cheek is fine, but you don't put your tongue inside my
mouth. I used to have a kid who grabbed my breast every time he came in. And I
would say to him every time it's not okay with me that you touch private parts of
my body and I won't touch private parts of your body. I can see you want to say
hello and we can shake hands or slap five or whatever you want to do. And it took
quite a while and eventually he stopped and he I could see him.
He would go, oh, that's right. You don't like me touching your private parts. And I
would say no. And it's just not okay between people for that kind of touching to
happen. And it's, it's repetition over and over and over again. And you can hear my
tone of voice. It's never, that's gross. That's ugly. Don't that. It's wrong. You
know, if people interject that, then again, it can shame the kids. It can make them
feel like they're really bad. There's something wrong with them as opposed to just
you learn this behavior someplace. But we're going to try a different behavior, a
more appropriate behavior. So those are the big ones that I think. Yeah,
they're big. Yeah, that I think people can respond to and can notice and can say
the child needs additional help. And sometimes they bring them to therapy just to
make sure they're okay. And that's my favorite case is when I can say, well,
they're struggling with a few things. but overall, they're really doing very well.
And how about if you and I meet, and I'll just give you some coaching ideas,
and then you can go and kind of deliver those to the child. So it's my favorite
case. Oh, it's good to hear the hopefulness of that. Yes, exactly.
So if a caregiver or an adoptive parent or foster parent suspects abuse based on
those five categories that you just shared with us. What are their next steps? Where
do they go from there? Yeah. And this is interesting in that there are options,
but the first one I think is always the social worker that you're working with
because every foster parent has a social worker. And just to bring it to their
attention and to say, What are your thoughts? What should I do? How can I help the
child? Et cetera, et cetera. That's one way to go. I think if that person is
really convinced, and maybe the child has started saying, you know, I learned this
from so -and -so, and he was touching me. If you've got a reportable offense, and I
know foster parents always get that information, but if you get reasonable suspicion
that there's abuse going on, then it needs to be reported. And sometimes here you
get into maybe the social worker is going to say, yeah, let's not report it yet or
too soon. If that person still thinks that it's the right thing to do right now,
I would go ahead and do it because it's a different department that you would refer
to. It would be child protective services. And, you know, these are important steps
to take because it's the beginning of being able to look at what did happen and
what do we need to say to the child about what happened so that they understand.
Sometimes foster parents also talk to teachers and they check in with them and say,
how's you doing at school? Are you having any trouble? Sometimes the kids in school
settings are sent to the school bathrooms in duos, like they go two at a time.
And if a child has a sexual behavior problem and they're being sent to the bathroom
with another kid, that's very high risk. So I always encourage people to just let
the teachers know the child is exploring boundaries right now and we're working with
them on getting more clear boundaries. So as they do that, you'd appreciate it if
they don't send them except with a teacher. And so little things like that can
actually really be helpful if people are comfortable doing that. So if you're an
adoptive parent or a relative caregiver and you're not working with a social worker
any longer, where would you, where would you go to report? Yeah. I mean,
if you basically don't have that relationship to someone else and you feel reasonable
suspicion, then you do have to call child protective services and or police.
Sometimes they work together. Sometimes one call will refer to the other. And it is
a matter of someone who's trained to speak with young children to come in and do
an interview and try to find out what in fact is on their mind. And it's usually
once they start feeling trusting and comfortable. And they've also had a chance to
see that what happened to them isn't typical. And then they begin to go, huh, that
happened to me. And it doesn't happen here. And it might allow them to come
forward. But at that point, you really need to talk to a professional. The social
workers sometimes refer to therapists. And that's another step that an adoptive parent
could take is say, I don't feel like I am comfortable. I don't know exactly what
to do. Let me get a consult with someone and see what they would recommend. So
that would be another person. But the main thing is to do something because you
can, you know, spare the suffering of the child for a while here if you can make
interventions that work for the child now. And it doesn't matter how long ago you
suspect the abuse happened. If you suspect it at all. Yes. Go ahead and take the
steps to, if nothing else, it tells tells the child you believe them and that
you're always going to be there to protect them because that's your role and that's
your job. Yes. Once you've taken that step to report to the proper authorities and
you've got the process moving for what comes next, what is the parent or caregiver's
role in the child's life at that point? You know, again, I think of it as
supportive role as being with, as someone who somehow is a beacon of light in some
way, you know, that they're able to summarize things. I love that at the end of
the day, at the end of a session sometimes just saying, you know, we did this
today. And we did it because it's important for you to know that it's not okay for
other people to hurt you. And we did it so that that person can't hurt other
people. And so we also did it so that you're not confused any longer about what is
and isn't okay. And so if you can just say things like that and then just be
available to the child emotionally and send signals, we care about you that in a
way reporting does send that signal or can send that signal hopefully if everything
goes well. But I think you're the support. You're the anchor. You're the person,
the child eventually will start coming towards. Yeah. That was the, the anchor was
the word I was going to use. So you're protecting them. You're reporting the
information. You're supporting them and you're giving them that safe place to come
back to and say, here's what mom and dad did today to continue to protect you and
support you. And welcome back to home that's safe and secure and we will always
believe you and we will always take care of you. Absolutely. Yeah. What are some
everyday preventative practices that we can put in place in our homes to keep our
children safe while also allowing them to grow in healthy ways? Because we don't
want a parent from a position of fear, but we do want to protect them from sexual
abuse and as much as possible prevent instances of sexual abuse in the future.
Yeah, I mean, I think the most important thing is to be cautious and not paranoid.
And caution means that you know who the neighbors are that the child is going to
go spend four hours with, that you know who the family is where your child is
going to go spend the night, that if you're sending them to swim class, that you
know how they're getting in and out of the changing rooms and who's going to help
them with their clothes or all that kind of stuff. In other words, it's a
monitoring job. It's just anticipating that where there are other people, there could
be danger. Unfortunately, I wish it wasn't so. I don't think in the old days that
we worried as much, but now almost every position of authority has been abused by
someone. So it used to be, we would say they can go to church and pray. And now
there's so many priests and pastors who have been found to be pedophiles.
So we just have to be cautious. That doesn't mean you don't ever send them to
church. But it does mean that you're checking in how was your visit with so -and
-so. What did you all do today? And again, monitoring year old changes.
Do they come back happy? Do they seem care free? Or do they come back and do they
look stern and go into their room and don't want to talk to anybody? So you begin
to learn to read your child and the ways that they have of showing that they're
okay or not okay. But that's the role that we all have to take. Even for me and
I was working in child abuse prevention all my life, one of the coaches started
giving my son extra super duper expensive shoes. And that was a huge red flag to
me. And then the person wanted to take my son on a weekend kind of trip somewhere,
but there was no tournament. And then that's when I went, okay, and I went to
visit that person. And I told them who I was and where I worked. And all I want
you to know is by the next day, the person disappeared. So something was going on
there, but we just have to be attentive and as excited as he was for his new
shoes, I was going, who gives a kid $300 shoes? That's not okay.
So things like that. Yeah. So open communication, presence, supervision.
Yep. Safe boundaries in the home would include what kind of things? Safe boundaries
around privacy. There comes a time when kids are uncomfortable taking baths together
or when you notice that they're old enough seven to eight to nine to 10 where
they're starting to notice each other's body differences, where they sleep and how
they sleep together or not together. You just kind of want to careful and not over
-stimulate the children. And also in terms of older siblings, what's their level of
activity in the home? Do they have friends over? Are they drinking? What are the
kids exposed to? And so just kind of, again, keeping the spidey senses awake and
making sure that you're doing your very best to create the safest environment
possible. And that goes hand in hand with teaching conversations about consent and
respect and protecting your body, keeping your body private, respecting other people's
rights to keep their body private as well. And a big one that I think sometimes we
forget about the value of it, but it, because most of us are just living it, it's
the value of modeling healthy relationships, especially if they've got a history of
very unhealthy relationships. That's one of the blessings, I think, that foster
families can provide. It's like a gift to kids that they get to see what a healthy
relationship can look like because it provides them with a template that they haven't
had and some possibility. Once you have that template, you can imagine yourself or
visualize yourself in a positive relationship like that. So that is the gift that
many of the foster parents and adoptive parents do provide to kids. Yeah,
I've heard it said that kids can't dream what they can't see. Exactly. And that
doesn't just go for careers and callings and professions. It also goes for,
I can be a healthy, well -adjusted adult. I can be a healthy,
well -adjusted mom. I can be a dad. and seeing that lived out in front of them
gives them it just expands their ability to see what they can become absolutely are
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So I'd like to know what advice you might give to adoptive foster or relative
caregiver parents about protecting their kids from sexual abuse. Like what's kind of
the one thing that you see is the most practical advice they can hear?
Well, I think that being attentive, again, is probably the most important thing. Just
being cautious. And, you know, I think for all of us, we develop a kind of
skepticism about how safe other people can be. And we also have to work against
being too skeptical so that we're afraid of everything. So I just think, again, you
go to the park with the child, you keep your eyes on them. You don't drop them
off for long periods of time. If you know that they're going to spend the night
somewhere, that's a big deal. And kids do get abused in other people's homes that
you know who that family is, you know what their habits are. And even sometimes
when you do know, just making sure ahead of time that the child knows what to do
if they don't feel comfortable, that they can give a call, that they can have a
people set up these words. I forget what they're called, but that you can just call
and say, you know, subway. And that's no explanation needed.
I'll be there in 10 minutes to pick you up. So just always maintaining those
channels open so that kids know what they can do. Because oftentimes in abuse,
they're overwhelmed with not knowing, well, what can I do right now?
Can I run? Can I get out of here? Can I leave the house? Where do I go? So to
walk through some of those scenarios, should you ever feel uncomfortable? Make sure
your phone is always with you. Make sure that you can, here's a word we can use.
Anything that prepares kids for these strange, sudden, potentially traumatic
experiences, they know what to do. I think any and all of that preparatory work is
really important. Yeah. And learning the balance of being and then hyper -vigilant
when you need to be. Absolutely, yeah. Yeah.
Well, thank you, Dr. Gill for, first of all, your commitment to supporting and
caring for children who have experienced sexual abuse and for your time here today
to help us learn a little bit about preventing sexual abuse for the kids that we're
raising and caring for. We deeply appreciate your wisdom and the fact that you took
time to come with us today and talk on this conversation. Thank you. I appreciate
it.