Connecting with Teens

Do you dread the teen years? Or, if you're in the midst of parenting teens, do you struggle to find ways to connect? This week, we interview Dr. Melody Aguayo, a parenting coach specializing in working with at-risk children and their families and the founder of Real Child Consulting, LLC. She is the mom of two adopted kids.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Parents wonder why their easy and natural connection with their kids changed, and they now feel on the outs and have to work harder. What is the developmental stage that is happening between the ages of about 13 and 18 or 19?
• Teens act like they don’t need us, when I believe they need us even more, to be present, but in a distinctly different way. I think that our emotions as a parent can sometimes interfere with connecting with teens.
• Change our expectation of what “connection” means with teens.
• Parents report feeling powerless in parenting when their kids reach their teen years. What is the essence of our power as parents?
• Our goals for our teens are to become responsible and independent. How can we parent in such a way to foster these goals?
• Let’s address some common issues we face when parenting teens: 
  • Arguing. How to turn an argument into a conversation?
  • Spending too much time on technology
  • Running with the wrong crowd
• Tips for connecting and building trust and appreciation with your teen!

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Hello and welcome to Creating a Family, talk about adoption, foster care and kinship
care. I'm Tracy Whitney, the content manager at CreatingaFamily .org and your host for
today's conversation. Today we're bringing you a conversation from our archives between
our founding executive director Don Davenport and Dr. Melody Aguayo. Dr.
Aguayo holds a master's degree in marriage and family therapy and a PhD in
psychology. She is a parenting coach and specializes in working with at -risk children
and their families. She's also the founder of Real Child Consulting, LLC, and the
mom of two adult adoptees. I'm excited for you to listen to today's conversation for
a couple of reasons. First, the information that Dr. Aguayo shares is very practical
for anyone raising teens. It talks a lot throughout the conversation, you'll hear the
themes of how our kids are reaching for adulthood and some of the things that are
challenging for them and how we can come along aside them to do that. But the
second reason I'm excited about this conversation is that it's very practical advice
for forging connections with those kids while they're reaching for adulthood. The
adolescent years can be very unstable and confusing for our kids and more so for
kids who've come from a situation where they are maybe not able to live at home
with their birth parents any longer. So if you are a grandparent who has stepped up
to raise a grandchild or if you're an aunt or an uncle who is raising a niece or
a nephew, it can be jarring to all of a sudden have a teenager in your house and
not feel like you understand them. This conversation will really help kind of
demystify the world of teenagers and kind of the inner workings of their brains. And
it'll help you remember how much this child needs you, even though they may not be
able to express that in the healthiest or most pleasant of ways. And so I think
it's a really compassionate look at what teens are facing and how particularly
kinship caregivers and relative caregivers can step into that space and support them.
I'm really glad that you tuned in today, and I hope you enjoy this conversation.
Welcome, Dr. Aguayo, to creating a family. We're so glad to have you. Thank you.
It's such an honor to be here. You know, I think that many parents wonder why
their easy natural connection they have with their kids changes as their kids age
and reach their teen years. They now feel like they're on the outs with the kids
and they have to work harder and nothing they do is right. I think it's it would
help if we start talking about what is the developmental stage that's at play
between the ages let's say of about 13 and 18 or 19. What What are our kids
trying to do, developmentally? What do they need to do, I guess is a better way of
saying it. That's a great question. I think that it's sort of like a parent
teaching a child to swim. It's sort of like those phases where you start in the
shallow end with the toddler. The toddler at first hangs on to you for dear life
because you are the safety and security in that pool. But when you get to the
teenage years, you are the side of the pool and your children have to kick away
from you and then they come back to you. They always come back, y 'all, because,
you know, you can't swim, you can't tread in deep water forever. So they come back
and they land on you, but they kick away again. So a lot of times, you know,
you mentioned the ages of 13 to 18 or 19. I think it's important to distinguish
between puberty, which is two to four years, depending on females are shorter.
The physical puberty is only two years. For males, physical puberty is four years,
but adolescence is a process that's about 10 to 13 years. And I think that's what
you're referring to is the adolescent brain. The brain changes are, You know, that's
a long process of separating and connecting, separating and connecting.
So what you're saying is that you're making, as I understand it, the distinction
between puberty, which is a physical biological act where we're developing secondary
sexual characteristics where girls are starting menstruation. So those developments,
but you're separating the physical developments from the emotional and intellectual
developments that happen during adolescence. Is that, am I understanding you correctly?
Yes. The neurological developments are super complex and they just continue throughout
life. But this time, so the first year of life is the other time where the most
neurological changes within the first year of life. And then after that, the next
time is adolescence. So lots and lots going on in the brains of these kids that
create some different ways of needing to engage and relate.
Yeah. And you know, it's interesting, I have survived four teens.
When you say they come back, it is true. It feels like a wrenching at times and
it does feel personal because it's like nothing that I am doing I mean it is and
and but to understand that that is not only the natural but it's also what we want
And we don't think we want it it hurts when it's happening, but if our kids don't
separate from us That's not a healthy thing You might think it is because you think
oh gosh, they're my little clone, but we shouldn't be we're not raising clones We
want our children to individuate from us And it's interesting because I think that
teens have to and they do act like they don't need us. When I honestly believe
that they need us even more to be present, but it's that our presence has to be
in such a different way. And in a way that's honestly not always as satisfying from
a parental standpoint. Hence why I think that our emotions as parents can sometimes
interfere with our connecting because We get on our high horse because we're feeling
rejected and therefore we act based on our emotions as opposed to kind of trying to
pull back and say, "Okay, this is not only a natural but a necessary step and it's
not all about me." And they're just being little toots and you know, whatever else.
Call up your other parents, your other friends who have parents of teens and you
can commiserate. It's an important that We change our expectations of what connection
means as our children are in their adolescence. - Absolutely,
I think there's a few different parts of connection and one part is reaching,
another part is availability, and another part is receiving. And what happens during
the teen years is it does kind of feel like a dry season of your children don't
reach for you as often. So you need to really tap into the other two parts of
connection, which are you need to be available when they do reach and they reach at
the worst time. 11pm at night, 12pm at night,
always. It's always when you're in the middle of an important meeting that your 17
year old calls you, but they actually need you at that moment. So you have to
increase your availability and increase your capacity for receiving. And that's a part
that is hard for parents because, like I said, it kind of feels like a desert
sometime with teenagers. They don't, when I mean increase your capacity for receiving,
I mean increase your capacity for receiving some of the negative things that
teenagers say to parents. This is not a time that you're lavished with compliments.
That is true. Yes. That is so true. Yes. So you can't expect to be lavished with
compliments. This is a time where if your kid says, "You look pretty today, mom,"
you're like, "Oh my gosh, did I just get a compliment from my 14 -year -old
daughter?" At that, sons will tell moms they look pretty, but daughters, they're a
lot prettier. And so your capacity to receive what they have to give at that age
has to increase and you have to also receive the negative things that they say to
you because the truth is our kids know us better than anybody and they do need to
practice being respectful. I'm all about boundaries. I don't accept it because their
teenagers are allowed to be rude but go ahead. Right. Exactly. I'm all about
boundaries, they have to say it respectfully, but they are discovering with their
adolescent brain that is changing, they are discovering that you are quite imperfect.
Yeah. And that hurts. And that's where our parent emotions get caught up. Exactly.
Because when your child is eight, a healthy attached child at eight thinks their
parents hung the moon. Yep. A healthy attached child at 13 sees all the ways their
parents are inconsistent. And all the things their parents do that are wrong.
And we're human, we're both right, we both are awesome in some ways, and just
normal and ordinary in other ways. And they start to really see those things when
they get to be around 1213. And that's mostly what they want to talk about until
they're about 22. So you have to be willing to receive it,
willing to set a good boundary so that it's communication and not bullying. We don't
allow bullying, right? But our kids know us. And sometimes they know us in ways
that become embarrassing to us, because they start seeing the inconsistencies. And you
know what, in their adult but not adult brains. They are going to kind of throw
those out in ways that don't feel great. They're making their own choices and there
is a distinction between a 13 year old and an 18 year old but they're making their
own choices and sometimes their choices would not be choices that we have made that
we would have made or that we want them to make and it is hard to realize that
their choices are not a reflection of us or of our parenting, given extreme
circumstances where it might be. But in generally speaking, that our kids are making
mistakes and that is not us as a bad parent or they may not be making a mistake.
It may just be a choice that we wouldn't have made, but let's say it is a
mistake. That's not a reflection on us. If I see kids who are perfect, that could
be just a personality. There are some very compliant people and they're going to be
very compliant teens, but a lot of times if you see a kid who is just perfect,
that's not a healthy situation either. That's a child not either not being allowed
to make mistakes or being frightened to make mistakes or could just be a really
easygoing kid who is just not one who's going to push boundaries. But anyway, I
think that's the other thing that kind of gets in our way as parents because we
think, okay, the world is looking at me and judging me because of what you're
doing. Yeah, we really have to detach our expectations in order to keep our joy as
parents. And that becomes a bigger part of our journey in adolescence.
So if my expectation, and I have a child who has significant special needs,
if my joy was attached to that child's behaviors, I would have none.
I would have no joy. I would feel like I had no purpose. I would be in the
depths of despair. So a big part of having adolescence just in general,
but particularly adolescents who are making, and I say making choices, but I think
the greater the impairment, the less choices people actually have. - Yeah, true, I
agree. - Yeah, I don't mean to put it all on the child who is impaired. But yeah,
back to what you said about individuating is an important part of adolescence,
I completely agree. And you have to consider it this way. Do you want your child
kicking off the side of the pool when you're there, strong and steady,
you're lining the pool for them to come back to you? Or do you want your child
doing that when they're all alone? Because if you don't allow it to happen some in
that normal season where it's going to happen in the home, if you shut it down,
then it's going to happen when they don't have you to land on. And that's really
scary because they need us so much. I feel that way about making mistakes, which is
another way of saying the same thing. You want your kids to make mistakes when
you're there to help soften the blow, and they're going to continue to make. We all
do. I continue to make mistakes, But you don't want to be interfering so that
there's never a mistake made because you're basically hovering and making decisions
for them because eventually they're going to have to make them and they're going to
be making these mistakes at an age where the consequences are far greater. Yeah.
Such an interesting point.
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Help you enjoy it and let's get back to the show.
I think most parents' goals for their children are to become responsible, independent,
happy, healthy adults. So how do we parent in the tween in the teen years to
foster these goals? I think goals are good. And I also think sometimes goals get in
the way of our present joy and our present ability to manage what's happening today.
So I think goals are good, But at the same time, I think just understanding that,
okay, he's 13, he's not 27. We have some time to work on this,
because a lot of times parents get stuck in making decisions based out of fear,
and anytime we make fearful decisions in parenting, they're poor decisions anytime.
And that fear comes from looking too far into the future. That fear comes from,
he's 13 and he's doing this. What if he does it when he's 18? Again, what you
mentioned, you know, the legal consequences, all of that that come. And so we start
parenting out of a space of fear. And that's where I think we get caught up in
disconnecting with our kids as well. I think we need to stay away from that fearful
parenting and try to focus on today. Today, this child is 13. We've got a time
between now and 18. And we're going to learn what we need to learn or at least
improve our learning between now and then. The children that I work with have
really, really struggled during adolescence, much more than a typical kid.
So I'm also looking at kind of more extreme behaviors that we have to kind of deal
with day to day versus think too far out. I think that is much.
If I can find it, I will link it. There was a blog I wrote many years ago that
was talking about that. It is so tempting when we have kids with special needs to
jump into the future and say, "If they're doing this now, what will they be like
and what will life be like for them or what will they be like when they are?" I
call that the spin. We're in the spin then. We're spinning it way out of it. At
this point, He's 13 will deal with it as a 13 year old. Yeah, right. I think that
is such good advice. And we get fearful when our kids start kicking off the side
of the pool. It's a fearful feeling because they could drown. Yeah,
I mean, they're going out into the middle of that pool and they're not ready and
we know that. Well, or the interesting thing is they may be more ready than we
realize and that it's our fear that they could drown. But in fact,
hopefully, with many of our kids, we've taught them not only to dog paddle, but
we've taught them how to make, you know, they can do breaststroke. They can do the
crawl. There are things that our kids can do in the water. And I know I'm
overworking this analogy there now. But they may do better than we think. In fact,
that has been my experience is that they're actually more capable than we think.
And that's where I do think that us as parents, we want to continue to be the one
deciding. We also want to continue to be needed. We want to continue to be the
center of their lives. We want to hang the moon or at least be viewed that we
have. And that's not a healthy adolescence. - Right, there's this quote, and it's an
anonymous quote. I have no idea who said it, but I've based whole day's workshops
on it. And it says, "First children love their parents, then children are annoyed by
their parents, and then children decide whether or not to forgive their parents. And
those are actually healthy phases. Oh, gosh, that's powerful. It is very powerful.
So the teenagers are at that phase where they are annoyed by you. It's okay.
It's okay. It does pass. It does pass. But It's important to understand that that's
actually a healthy part of development. We don't want children to stay in the, "I
love my parents and they could do nothing wrong." That's denial, that's dissociation,
that's unhealthy immaturity. We want them to go through all three phases.
And then come back to the, "I love them," and not that their love ever stops, but
the hard part there is to accept But they have to forgive us for what we didn't
give and didn't do. That's hard. Oh, that's powerful. Yeah. It's very powerful. It's
very powerful. Yeah. I'm going to be thinking on that for the rest of this week,
for sure.
I'd like to move now to addressing some of the common issues we face when parenting
teams. Some of the more challenging issues. And number one,
I just have to bring it up is arguing. You know, it's the every darn thing turns
into an argument. Any thoughts on that, Dr. Aguayo? Well, I still think that parents
have to be in charge. They have to set the stage of what the home looks like,
what the rules are. And if you feel very strongly about something, it's okay to set
rules around that. And it's also okay to tell your teenager something along the
lines of listen Maybe I'm mistaken and if I am I will be the first to apologize
10 years from now But today I'm making the best decision that I know how to make
I'm also new to this. I used to say that to my kids both of my kids were
teenagers at the same time And I remember saying to them all the time guys. a new
teenage mom. I'm going to get some of this stuff wrong. And when I find out I'm
wrong, I'm going to apologize. You know I will. But I'm making the best decision
that I know to make for you guys in this moment. So don't compromise your values
because your teens are pushing those values. And everybody has different values.
You can't pick every battle with teenagers. You just have to have the big ones,
right? The little things you should let go. Things like what time do they go to
bed, right? I mean, you're not gonna be telling them what time to go to bed in
college. - And you don't have any control over that. - Exactly. - You cannot make
them sleep. And you're kidding yourself if you don't think that they're going to be
turning the lights back on or whatever. - Exactly, exactly. So that's just a silly
battle to pick because you can't control it. Other silly battles, and I know this
sounds, for some people, they're going to be like, what? Things like so many
teenagers are vaping these days, right? Can you stop your teenager from vaping
outside of the home? I don't think you can if your teenager wants to vape.
So that would be something where you could say, you know, this is not allowed in
this house. If I find a vape, I'm tossing it. And, you know,
this is why it's not good for you. But you can't stop them from doing it, just
like you can't stop a teenager from having sex if they want to have sex. You want
to keep communication open about all of these different things that teenagers are
going to be tempted to do and different teens, you know, your kids, you know, the
kids that are going to try all the things and the kids that are not going to try
all the things and you have to again just keep that communication open but don't
compromise your own values in your home. So like say you have a 15 year old child
who you know will get in trouble with a cell phone. There's no way that this child
can monitor themselves around a cell phone usage. I would not give that child a
cell phone. Now, will they get a cell phone from somebody? Maybe, but I don't want
to be the bearer of a bad gift for my own child if I know they can't handle
something. Or you might try a compromise, which you can find a phone that is a non
-smartphone or only allows texting. Or you can find a phone that does not allow
access to the internet. The gab, the pinwheel, there's some good phones out there
where you monitor a lot more. - Well, yeah, and they'll allow that texting and
texting only, and you can get into a lot of trouble with texting, but it does
control some of the other, perhaps worse things that could happen, yeah. And your
values are what I like. I also think that parents can demand a certain amount of
respect. I don't think that it is acceptable. - Absolutely. - Yeah, there is a
distinction between the parents and the kids, and there's a certain amount of
respect. But I also think that we as parents model that respect to our kids. I
would not tell my kids that, you know, you're stupid or something. I just wouldn't
do that. I would show them respect. And when they're upset with me, I expect
respect back, which means you could be angry at me. You could disagree with me, but
you can't call names, whatever your values are. Respect is really, you can't have
intimacy without respect. So respect is something that I'm not going to fight the
little battles with my kids, but respect is something that is worth fighting for
because you can't have intimacy without it. And I agree with you. I can tell my
children with 100 % certainty, I have never spoken to you that way. And I expect
the same from them. I've said those exact words. We don't do that. Yes, we don't
do that. I don't speak to you that way. My words are full of life for you life
and encouragement. I just need the same respect Mm -hmm, and this house we don't
talk to other human beings. We don't talk to our pets that way We don't talk to
yeah, right, right and our family. We don't do that within the family. Yeah So
about arguing I don't love the word arguing because it implies that we share
Authority with our children and I don't think we share authority with our children.
I think that we can respectfully negotiate some boundaries and we can respectfully
negotiate rules even as kids get older, but they don't hold the authority to argue
with us. They're not our peers. And so that's what I will often say to teenagers
and families I work with too, is you're talking as though you guys are on equal
plain here, but mom and dad always are gonna have more authority until you leave
the house. Now with that authority, so I love leadership books, especially when it
comes to parenting teens. I prefer leadership books to parenting books because I
think that they are so insightful and they focus on the leader, not the followers.
And like Brian Tracy, he said this quote that said be the kind of leader that
people will follow even if you have no title or position anymore. And I think about
that in terms of parenting. When I'm not mommy, why would they want to follow?
They would only want to follow me if they know that I'm a good, fair,
kind leader. And so I focus on that a lot as my kids.
My kids are now young adults. They're 18 and 19. And I just focus on how can I
be the kind of leader they want to continue to follow? Because I don't have
authority the way I did when they were five, right? Mm -hmm. It goes into the
collaborative problem solving. A leader can be collaborative. That's not saying they're
on the same level, but it makes sense. You get better solutions to your problem if
you're being collaborative. And we can be collaborative with our young people. We
absolutely see people. - Exactly, exactly. And you can still have the final say, but
they have to be part of a lot of this problem solving. Teenagers need to be part
of it. So if there is a cell phone issue, there's a curfew issue, I would always
sit down with my kids and say, how do you think we should handle this? Like, let's
talk about what do you think is fair? What do you think is right? Here's what's
hard for me, I, gosh, I can't sleep if I don't know where you are. But so then I
can't sleep for the next day and then the next day. I'm, you know, so we now I
have the final say, because I do believe you can take your kids car keys. It
doesn't belong to them. They didn't buy it. They're not paying for all of the
things more than likely in today's world. You know, you can do that, but don't do
it unless you have to try to problem solve first with the child and see if you
guys can come up with a solution together. I will give an example of my own life.
You talk about that. I can't sleep. What time is a reasonable time for you to be
coming home? And we sat down and I said, my problem is I'm not able to sleep
because I'm listening. I'm awake. I'm waiting for you. And so I can't sleep. And
then I'm tired. And so one of my kids that we were going through this with their
solution was that we would set up an alarm clock on the kitchen counter and they
would set it and I didn't I'm not saying other people would have the same approach
we didn't have hard and fast curfews it was what are you going to be doing what's
a reasonable amount of time wins a reasonable amount of time for you to come home
from this thing so we would set for that whatever time they chose and obviously
there would be some influence you know if there was it had to depend on what they
were doing or whatever. And then when they came home, they would turn the alarm
clock off and that's, it actually worked quite well for us. And that was what we
used the younger children all adopted. And that was their solution. And it actually
worked out fairly well. As far as I know, they didn't abuse the privilege they
might have, but I didn't go into the assumption that they were going to abuse it
because they were a part of the solution. And it was their solution. So anyway,
- That's as a practical example of, and when you said I can't sleep, it made me
remember that. - Yes, that's a great example. - All right, another common issue that
we hear over and over again is spending too much time on technology, be it gaming,
be it texting, be it their phones or whatever, spending too much time on technology.
Thoughts on that, how we connect with our teams through that. Yes, so I definitely
think, and this is some place where I do think exercising more control is important,
and I'll give you guys the reasons why I believe that's the case, because I really
think technology blocks all the kinds of learning we want our children to have at
this age. And so I do think there needs to be, for most kids,
if they're not naturally self -correcting. There are kids who auto -correct. I have
one of those. She literally auto -corrects and you hardly have to say a word to
her. But the other one does not auto -correct. So if they're not auto -correcting, I
do think some firm boundaries around, you know, at this hour, the phone comes by my
bed. These evenings, we put our phones in the basket, and this could be the entire
family. We put our phones in the basket from five to eight p .m. because we're just
doing family time. We're not doing screens tonight. I think you have to create
opportunities for fun things to happen in the family where technology is not the
center of it. And you can do that by asking for some of those things, but it's
easier to ask on the front end. It's very hard to do this after you've given your
child a phone and attached no rules to it. That's the mistake most people make,
is they're really, they're giving kids phones too early and then they're trying to
backtrack and figure out what are the rules for this device. That should all happen
ahead of time. That should all happen before the child gets the phone. Here's the
expectations. Here's where you will lose this privilege. And here's our priority is
that this does not become a substitute for appropriate connection,
you know, for connection that we believe is just more brainbuilding, maturity
building, that sort of thing. So it can be used in addition to those things, but
if your child's really isolating, not participating appropriate socially, all their
connections are through technology. Personally, I would form lots of strict boundaries
around that tech. - Yeah, in general, it's an interesting thing. When our kids are
little, sometimes, especially if our kids aren't pushing boundaries, it's easy to have
the inverted V when they're younger, where we let them do everything, and then all
of a sudden when they get to teens, we're wanting to tighten in. And it is much
harder to add restrictions after the fact than it is to start off with a not
inverted but a regular V where you start off with anything with restrictions and
then we're going to see how it goes and then we will loosen the restrictions and
then as long as where everybody is behaving in a responsible manner with whatever it
is then we can continue to loosen restrictions as opposed to having no barriers and
then all of a sudden trying to put the restrictions. Yes. No matter what you're
doing it just feels like they're not they feel like they're being punished. Yeah, it
feels chaotic. It feels chaotic. And you're so right. It has to start this starts
in childhood. You know, I always feel badly when parents are like, well, when he's
bored, he just grabs his iPad. And I'm thinking, why does the five year old have
an iPad? And why can he just grab it anytime he's bored? Like, that's not
appropriate boundaries around technology. So yes, it starts earlier. I'm pretty anti
-tech just because of all the things I've seen Technology all the dangers that it
brings. We had iPads that we used only for trips But the kids never they never had
access to it at home and I had a child with learning disabilities Honestly, he
would have never learned to read He would have never graduated high school if he'd
had technology at his it is fingertips all the time. Just because it would have
blocked that learning is so much easier to just engage in technology than it is to
learn the hard way. So starting off with the guardrails on and then gradually
reducing them. But it is important to gradually reduce, obviously, not just with
technology, but in everything because we're parenting for independence. Yeah. They're
going to be on their own. A parent's job is planned obsolescence. Exactly. We need
to be parenting with the idea that we're not going to be around, nor should we be
in the future. We're having to work ourselves out of a job, and it was a job I
liked. I didn't want to particularly work myself out of it, but that was it.
Another common issue that we hear parents raising is running with the wrong crowd.
Our kids' peers are just hugely important. They are hugely important. They are hugely
important, and it It's terrifying from a parent when you see your kid, or as a
friend of mine once said, she goes, "I have to admit, I think my kid is the wrong
crowd." You know? Yeah. She goes, "The other parents are probably thinking my kid is
the wrong crowd." So thoughts on that. Yeah. So even more dangerous than running
with the wrong crowd is being lonely. I do want to emphasize that because a lot of
times parents will come to me with that exact question. My daughter has these four
close friends, but none of them share our value system, none of them go to church.
They'll have this list of kind of this litany of reasons why this is the wrong
crowd for their daughter, but me knowing their child you know,
the children that I work with knows that this crowd is protective of that child,
that that child would be alone without this crowd. And being alone is the worst
risk factor. It's the worst risk factor for human beings,
for addiction, for early death, for suicidality, for all of it. And so be careful
not to strip your child of all of their friendships. And I don't know what that
looks like for your specific child, but I do think that if your child has three
crowds and one of them's the wrong crowd, then it's easier to redirect that child
to the other two crowds, right? To say, "Listen, honey, I, you know, I've just
noticed this, this, and this when you hang out with these people and I can't
support that, I get really concerned. So here are the parameters for this crowd, but
the parameters for this crowd are a little looser because I trust them, right? You
can have that conversation when a person has multiple options. But if a person has
no options, then you bring that crowd into your home. - Exactly. - You get to know
that crowd. You get to love that crowd and you start creating some community with
that crowd because that is less dangerous than your child being alone. And you might
just find out that once you get to know them, they're not as much of a negative
influence as you feared. Because the things we're really concerned about as parents,
I mean, there's, you know, maybe they don't share your values, maybe they don't
share your community, maybe they don't go to church. But my biggest concern is, does
your child feel a little bit better, a little bit smarter, a little bit prettier,
a little bit more wanted after she hangs out with these friends? Or does your child
feel worse about every part of her life? That's how we know if they're friends that
are supporting the esteem of your child. And that, I feel like,
is more important than nitpicking every little value. I mean, this is just an age
of kids are exploring all these things, and a lot of them you're going to be
uncomfortable with. But if they're people who love your child, support your child,
and encourage your child, then I really want to get to know those people. What if
it's the opposite, though, where you feel like your child is not being enriched in
all the ways. I love how you said that. Is this crowd uplifting your kid, even if
you don't approve of the uplift that they're giving? - Exactly, exactly. - But what
if it isn't? What if your child is feeling worse about himself? What happens then?
- Yes, then you have to work really hard to help your child find their people.
And if that means that you start driving an hour and a half to go to Magic Club
and Hendersonville once a month, then you go to Magic Club, Pokemon Club,
anime conventions. You help your child find their people. And typically this is a
situation where, because I see this happen a lot, where kids are isolated because
they're often quirky. They have quirky interests. They are not into you're leading
gymnastics, all the things that other kids are interested in. Maybe they just really
love to draw anime and they love to watch anime, or they're 17 and they love
Pokemon. They're obsessed with Pokemon. So it's that kind of kid that needs very
specific crowds and you can find clubs for almost anything and clubs are a great
place for those kids to find connection. And the age of the people doesn't matter
as much as the connection y 'all. So sometimes kids, particularly kids who are on
the spectrum who are very quirky, if you go to an astronomy club, and trust me,
I've been to lots and lots of clubs, as a parent of a quirky child, I would say
probably three out of 10 of the people there were probably on the spectrum of most
of the clubs that I visited, but they all had this common interest and it made
them a really good community for each other. And that also often takes growth from
a parent standpoint. A parent who is sports is the obvious. I'm trying to think of
something that's not just very academic, let's say, let's say not there in a parent.
That's what they value. That's what they were. They were in the chess club. They
were in the math club. And you can say the same for sports. That would be the
obvious one. And they have a kid. And quite frankly, our kids, adoptive and foster
kids are more likely to have talents and strengths that differ from their, because
there's a certain biological connection. So we are as a group of parents more likely
to find, and we can't expect our kids to adapt to us. This is a case where we as
parents have to, okay, I don't know the first thing about theater. But if I got a
kid who is acting theatrical, and that's if I think that's that's where my kid,
then I become the theater parent. Yes, I've always been the sport parent. That's
where I would shine. But by golly, I'll learn how to paint a set, you know, or I
can sell tickets, or I will be out in the lobby selling the drinks to the families
that are coming in. So you can't expect your kids to change to fit you,
particularly your quirky kid. - Yes, yes. And you have to become really good at
creating. If your child cannot create their own community, you need to do it for
them. If they're in a community where, and that's a great example of theater or
things like that, if they're in a community where they're being abused or bullied,
even if the child does not want to leave that community, I would find a new school
for my it. Because children always fear change more than they fear wherever they are
right now. They're babies. They don't, even if they're 15, they don't understand the
long -term consequences. This is why I do not leave children in bad situations.
Childhood is literally the formation of possibilities. And if you let a child stay
in a toxic relationship for four years, they are not learning to avoid toxic
relationships. they're learning to survive them. We don't want that. We don't want
that. So if we have the power to find a better group, then I'm going to be
investing a lot of time in that. If that is my kid, I'm going to be working
really hard at that. Yeah, that's such a good point. That's such a good point
because the devil you know is always better than the devil you don't. And so
there's something in that school, it's always going to be a castle for the parent.
I mean, there's yeah, there's no way around that. Yeah. And we all know if we're
parents that different kids need different things. I thought my kids were going to
be public schooled from kindergarten through 12th grade. One of my kids couldn't
survive publics. So if that's your kid, you just keep having to go back to the
drawing board and it's okay. It's okay. Yep.
I'm sorry to interrupt one more time but I wanted to remind you about our free
library of courses. There are 15 courses, all of which are free. You can take one
or all 15 and each course is designed to meet a need in your family and help you
strengthen your parenting toolbox and give you insight and encouragement and
understanding about the kids that you are raising in your home right now. You can
find it at bit .ly /jbfsupport. That's B -I -T dot L -Y slash J -B -F support.
Thanks so much for listening and let's get back to the show.
All right, now we're going to the part of the show that everybody likes best and
that is the tips section. So tips for connecting and building trust and appreciation
with your teen. I've got some and I know you've got many. I'll let you start off.
And it doesn't have to be your number one tip you begin with. These are not
necessarily in order. I'm taking the pressure off. - Yes, so definitely be available.
Again, I feel like that's the part of connection that we need to practice the most
as parents with our teenagers. So be available. Be available for the laughter when
it comes, for the silly video that they want to show you, for them to jump on
your bed at 11 p .m. at night and tell you all about their day. Like your
availability is a huge currency for teenagers. And I get to hear teenagers talk
about their moms and dads a lot and trust me when I say they want your
availability, they all want that. - And you mean their physical presence, as well as
when you're present to actually be paying attention, not to be glancing at your
phone every second. Physical and emotional availability. I can remember my daughter
was really upset with me one time because I did not remember who her biology
teacher was, and she'd been talking about him all year. So like my attention was
really not, it was just not there. It was not on the, I didn't think he was that
important. At least his name wasn't in that board. Yes, exactly. I mean, I was
listening. I was here every afternoon from four to six, right before her practice.
And, you know, I wanted to be available, but I wasn't receiving the information with
the value that she was giving it to me. When she got upset, I was like, you are
right. You've been talking about him all year. let me make a list of your teachers,
let me make a list of the classes. Girl, I'm gonna memorize this. - Yes. - And this
won't happen again, because she was right. I was paying attention to what I thought
was important, but not the details I didn't think were important, but they were
important to her. - Yeah, yeah, been there, done that, yes, got it, yeah. - Yes,
yes. - Okay, I will give a tip. Create rituals that They could be anything.
I mean for us we are I'm a big believer in family night and we continue that as
our kids were teens In fact college. We always had a family night. I love it and
it had to change a lot of times It changed the things that I didn't enjoy as
much, but that's okay We continue to do it your rituals can be things like the
first Saturday or the month you get a mani -pedi with your daughter You know one
night a week is a dad cooks with each of the kids or whatever, something along
those lines. Hours at family night was that we would get, this was with one
particular child, we would split one of the Ben and Jerry's ice creams, but neither
one of us really cared for the ice cream. We only wanted the mixings or the things
that were in it. And we would each fight to get the biggest hunk of the mixings
out. And we, to this day, and she is significantly older, she's in her 20s, if we
are together, We'll always buy that and we'll sit there and we'll fight and try to
dig and dig and dig until whoever gets the biggest is the winner. We were
connecting at the time over competing about getting the biggest hunk of chocolate
chip cookie dough out. But I also think we were connecting on a different level as
well, so creating rituals. I love that. My next tip would be have fun and try to
do novel things because novelty is such a hit for teenagers. And it can be like,
I would pick up some really, really strange snack, something like a dried chili
shrimp at the Asian market. Let's all try this and let's record ourselves trying it.
Okay, teenagers love to record themselves doing everything. They especially love to
record me doing things for whatever reason, because I'm hilarious or something. I
don't know, but they love to record, right? So you want to bring some novelty. So
it might be trying a new food. That's just kind of that game, the jelly bean game
where you try the different jelly beans and some of them are really awful. Oh,
yeah, yeah, like awesome, like snot, flavored or whatever. Yes, exactly. Oh my gosh.
Play that game with your teenagers and record the entire family doing it. I'm
telling you, it will provide words of entertainment. So basically, just bring some
novel things into your life because teenagers, they have lower dopamine than any
other time in their life, but when they have dopamine surges, they're fantastic. And
you experience a dopamine surge whenever you're doing something new or exciting or
fun. And so I really encourage you to do that kind of stuff with your team. So my
teams loved finding new river spots where we would go swimming. They loved,
you know, just kind of any kind of water fun thing that we would do. And they
didn't like theme parks. That kind of thing was not their thrill. But yeah, just do
novel things with your kids. That's really important. Okay, the next one, I'll
piggyback on that. Try to learn something new with your kid. I think there is
something Realizing leveling when you're learning something new and it's especially
interesting if say your kids better at you You know, I think that is good Your kid
is better than you at this learning this new thing You may have to you know suck
up your ego, but try cooking together try cake decorating together Try I don't know
some type of sport together pick up pickleball if you've not played that do that
together But it's good. I think for our kids to see us not be all that great at
something, you know, yes, okay, I piggybacked on yours. So now it's your turn. I
love that. I love that. That's a great one. I also think just when you are
connecting with your kids, I think one mistake that parents make is we ask too many
questions and that shuts down connection with teenagers like nobody's business.
So I encouraged parents too. And this is fun too. This kind of goes in that fun
category where you start a chart for yourself of all the questions you're asking
your kid or something else. Start a chart for yourself. It's like the opposite of a
sticker chart, right? And then your kid gets a reward because mom asked 15 questions
today. So then you run out and get ice cream for your kid or you run out and And
so, again, you're just making something really fun and you're also retraining yourself
to communicate differently. Questions really increase expectations. If I ask my
husband, if he's coming straight home from work, he knows I want him to stop at
the grocery store. He knows I need him immediately. He knows I'm expecting something.
In my case, he would be expecting to. You are coming home immediately because, yeah,
you are. Because I need you, exactly, because I need you. So kids feel that same
thing and sometimes, you know, they come home and parents will pepper them with 20
questions and it's just too much. They feel, you know, do you have homework? Well,
how'd your English test go? Was your math teacher mad that you missed? Well, all
these questions, it's just, it's just a lot of pressure for kids. Honestly, though,
I'm not sure sometimes I would have had much conversation going on if I hadn't
asked questions. questions. Oh, you will. If you start noticing, yes, if you just,
instead of asking questions, I recommend like just notice, gosh, I notice that every
time you hang out with Johnny, you come home in the silliest mood. It makes me
think you'll have a blast together. Or I've noticed that you wear that shirt a
couple of times a week. Is that just like your favorite shirt? And so you like
start it a little differently. You just start noticing things and they will come
again, they will approach you and you can receive the conversation at that. - Notice
rather than ask, yes. - Yes, yes. And there's so much to notice. You're the parent,
you know all the things. Just stop asking questions unless you have to have the
answer. - Yeah, and you don't know the answer 'cause sometimes we ask questions that
we already know the answer to. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. I mean, if you really
need to know, ask the question, but most of the time it's not like that. You're
seeking conversation and your hope that the question will elicit the beginning of a
conversation oftentimes. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Okay. My next one would be look for
ways to continue to give physical affection. And I think that we have to sometimes
be flexible as our children get over. They may not want a hug. They may just want
a high five or a back rub or a pad on the head, not a pad on the head, a pad
on the shoulders, definitely not a pad on the head because you mess up the hairdo.
So a foot massage or rubbing their bano at night when you go in to say good
night, asking their permission, can I give you a quick foot massage, something along
those lines. It's easy to forget that our kids still need the physical affection
that we parents can bring. Okay, your turn. I love that. I'm big on physical
affection and I'm thankful that my kids still receive all the hugs and kisses and
all that stuff, but you're so right. It's so important for kids, especially kids
that are avoiding it. You need to figure out ways that they will receive it because
touch is such a big part of healing, Connection health it's such a big part of
that so I really like that point another thing that we kind of already touched on
but is You know be a fun place for your kids to hang out with their friends Be
the person who says I will set up the outdoor movie We will be in our bedroom y
'all can just hang. I'm gonna get the best snacks I'm gonna be the person who says
yes and we've never lived in a big space but we've always been the family with an
open door policy of we want y 'all hanging out here. I think that's really important
for teens. Now your teens might want to hang out everywhere but at your house but
their friends will appreciate that your house is open and they will end up there
more frequently than you think. If the door is open and if you get food food food
food food food food food food. Offer to order the Jets Pizza, trust me, long term
benefits of you paying for those good snacks, having those kids at your house are
really precious benefits. I've given this before, but a pro tip that you can use is
always serve the best snacks in smaller containers because then you have a reason to
go into the room and refill the M &M's or refill the Doritos or whatever.
So that's a pro tip. I love that.
Let's see. So it's my turn. I was going to say that the other one of my tips was
getting to know their friends and that ties in beautifully. That is one of the
reasons, there's a couple of reasons why you want them at your house. Number one,
you know that there is some vision, although loosely perhaps, but you also have the
opportunity to get to know their friends. And that goes back to what we were
talking about before, the importance of peer group. And you also see your child in
a different light when you see them interacting with their friends. You learn
something about them that you might not know. So yeah. So I'm going to give you
the final tip for parents. I guess the final tip would be, don't be so fearful
that you're not enjoying the present joys that your children bring you.
I love that. Oh, I am so glad. Yes, you said that. Yeah. Yeah, go ahead. Because
children, you know, they want to be delighted at every age. I want to be delighted
in as an adult. And sometimes I think we're so bent on what they need to do that
we just forget to delight in their little personalities and their evolving minds and
their sense of humor and the quirky people they bring to the house. I mean, we
just need to delight in them because they are who they are at this age. I don't
believe we change too much. (laughs) - Yeah, I agree. - Between adolescence and
adulthood. So they are who they are. So if they don't feel completely seen and
loved by you now, they probably won't feel completely seen and loved by you when
they're 30. Teens get such a bad rap and parents, we work with parents of all age
kids, but parents who have younger children are fearful of the teen years and I
just, I love the teen years. I truly, I didn't love every moment of the teen
years. I will be totally honest, but their thought process, their ability to engage
in really interesting discussions. Their view of the world. It is such an exciting
and fun time. And I liked my own children. I worked in youth at our church for
many, many, many years. It is not an age to be feared. It is an age to be
honestly looked forward to if you, if again, if we shift our expectations, as you
had said, you know, and the way we connect. So I'm so glad you said that of all
the tips we gave, your last tip was the most important. And I loved how you said
it. We all want to be delighted in it. We want to bring joy, delight. We want
somebody's eyes to light up about us. And we, as parents,
are in the unique place to be able to have the opportunity for our eyes to light
up. So I just love that. Thank you so much, Dr. Melody Aguaia for being with us
today to talk about connecting with teens. You've given me a lot to think about and
I appreciate it. You're welcome. Thank you for inviting me.