Creating a Family: Talk about Adoption, Foster & Kinship Care

Adopting Older Kids

• Season 19 • Episode 71

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Are you considering adopting a child over the age of 5? Listen to this interview with Sarah Hansen and Simi Riesner. Sarah is the Director of International Advocacy at the Gladney Center for Adoption, with over 20 years of experience supporting adoptive families and children. She is also an adoptive parent to an older child from Thailand. Simi is the Executive Director of Mazi Adoption and Family Services, as well as a licensed social worker and foster parent.  Simi also has lived experience as an adult adoptee, and is passionate about maintaining sibling relationships and promoting transparency within the adoption community. 

In this episode, we discuss:

  • What are the age ranges you see being the most difficult to find adoptive homes for?
  • Generally the greatest need in both international and foster care adoption is kids 5+
  • Why are many prospective parents are almost afraid of adopting a tween or teen.
  • What are the common challenging behaviors parents may face when adopting an older child: (keeping in mind that not all older children will struggle with these behaviors!) 
    • Lying, stealing
    • Lagging social skills
    • Acting out physically or sexually
    • Sibling rivalry
    • Regression of already developed skills (potty training, sleep, communication etc)
  • What behaviors might parents expect to see in the children already living in the home that are likely impacted by the behaviors of a newly adopted sibling? Or influenced by the new sibling?
  • Why do older children behave in some of these challenging ways? What’s driving them? 
    • Grief, loss
    • Trauma, abuse, neglect
    • Prenatal exposure to drugs/alcohol
    • Fear, unpredictability, Fight/flight/freeze response
    • Constant hypervigilance
    • Coping or survival skills
    • Mental health challenges
    • Undiagnosed learning challenges
  • What are a few specific strategies to build trust and felt-safety for a newly adopted older child?
  • What suggestions do you offer families who are adopting tweens and teens – especially when those young people have had very few limits or boundaries around them prior to adoption?
  • What are the signs that maybe an older child is not attaching securely or catching on to the idea that they are now part of this family?
  • Practical tips to implement today when considering Older Child Adoption

Resources:

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Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Welcome everyone to Creating a Family. Talk about foster, adoptive, and kinship care.
I'm Dawn Davenport. I am the host of this show as well as the director of the
nonprofit Creating a Family dot org. Today, we're going to be talking about adopting
an older child. We're going to be talking with Dr. Stephanie Bosco -Rugirio.
She holds a PhD in social work from Fordham University and is the co -author or
author of 10 peer -reviewed journal articles, most of which focus on child welfare
workforce issues or mental health. She works at Oasis Consulting and is the co
-author of the book, Adopting Older Children, a practical guide to adopting and
parenting children over the age of four. She is also the adoptive mom to an amazing
14 -year -old boy. So welcome, Dr. Bosco -Riderio. I'm so glad you're going to be
joining us to talk about this topic. - Thanks for having me, Dawn. I'm so happy to
be here to talk about older child adoption. - All right, so the greatest need in
both foster care adoption as well as international adoption is to adopt kids five
and older. And you know, adolescents have such a bad reputation in general in our
society. And those in foster care and National Child Welfare Institutions have even a
worse reputation. And these kids and youth may have challenging behaviors that will
be hard to parent. They also may not have challenging behaviors. I think we need to
acknowledge both. But I think that what puts people off is the fear that they are
going to have behaviors that they won't know how to help the kids with. So why do
we see what we euphemistically will call challenging behaviors in these older kids.
And remember, older kids can mean upwards of the age of five. We're not necessarily
talking about 18 year olds here. Yes. Dawn, first I want to tell your listeners
that I am so excited that they're considering older child adoption because it's a
very special journey. I am the adoptive mom of a 14 year old,
my husband and I have a 14 year old who we adopted at 10 days old. So he wasn't
an older child when we adopted him. But like any parent, adoptive or not,
we've had some tough times and some tough behaviors, but we're coming out the other
end of the tunnel, so to speak. And I can say that at this juncture,
I can look back a little bit, I can see the forest through the trees, and I have
a lot more wisdom to share now than when I started this journey when he was just
10 days old. But it's been, I wasn't actually sure I wanted to even be a mom,
But I want to tell people, please seriously, consider having a family in general,
right? But consider older child adoption. I think that you will grow so much from
the experience and it's so important. - There's certainly a need for sure. - Yeah,
there's certainly a need. So people are, they have questions and they are a little
unsure about older child adoption. So what can lead to some of the behaviors that
make people uncertain? Why have these kids developed what we would consider
challenging behaviors?
So older child adoption can either be through the domestic child welfare system or
what we call inter country adoption. And as you can imagine, these kids have had a
tough start because abroad there's more family foster care in other countries now,
but they may have been in an orphanage, right? They still have orphanages in other
countries. We think of that as like a century ago here. But the kids here,
they are in the system by no fault of their own, but they've experienced a lot of
things. So the number one thing that they have experienced,
almost everyone of them is trauma. And there's sort of theories that even children
adopted as infants also experienced a certain sort of trauma being separated from the
only birth parent they knew for nine months, right? So
It's abuse, which could be physical, sexual, emotional, and so they have been removed
from their home. Which, let's be honest, is traumatic in and of itself. It's
traumatic and they have had to adapt and they have a lot of grief and loss,
potentially grief and loss and definitely trauma. So, there's a number of issues that
arise when a child has experienced trauma and grief and loss, and those are mental
health, their attachment issues, there's defiance possibly.
So when we're talking about older child adoption, you're right, it really is like
five and above. - And there's a huge difference between adopting a five -year -old and
adopting a 15 -year -old. So with variations in the behaviors, because a five -year
-old will behave in some ways differently, but there are some similarities, struggles
with self -regulation. They might look different depending on the age of the child,
but yeah, we could definitely see that. Yeah, there could be developmental challenges,
no matter what age they are. And developmentally,
they may be one age, and that's different from their chronological age. So every
child is an individual, and you have to do your research in terms of speaking to
their previous foster, parents, the child welfare worker, in the case of inter
-country, the agency, and gathers much information as you can. But these behaviors
come from what they have experienced, and it's a natural reaction. And it's like I
said, it's trauma, it could be attachment, it could be a host of behaviors that can
be confusing. Some can be misconstrued for one thing or another. Mm -hmm. You know,
and sometimes these are adaptive behaviors where the behavior they're expressing worked
in their previous life. Exactly. Exactly. It's annoying as I'll get out in their
current life. It's not, it's not constructive for them now, but it was helpful for
them. And so it was an adaptive behavior that made good sense where they came
before. I mean, now we find it challenging, but in fact, we have to acknowledge
that it may have kept them alive. That's exactly right. And developing that stable
bond, becoming their parent, you have to figure out what these behaviors mean with
the help of professionals, right? But there was a function to these behaviors, and
your job is to give them the security and the routine and the love that helps them
move away from these behaviors and see that they don't need them anymore, that they
are something different, that they can grow and they can develop in a different way
and they're absolutely capable of that. And through therapy with an adoption competent
mental health professional, I want to emphasize that, they will receive the help they
need to move past those behaviors. But yes, there is a cluster of behaviors that
are common in older children who are being adopted. And you have to do your
research and understand these potential issues. And it's all in our book. Yes.
And the book is adopting older children. What are some of the typical behaviors that
you find that parents struggle with the most?
The oppositional behaviors, the defiance, the testing, there can be some aggression.
It's common that there's this honeymoon phase,
So you're developing a relationship with your kids, like you developed a relationship
with a spouse or a partner, not in the same way, of course, but there's that
honeymoon phase where things are great, and then the routine set in and the long
-term sort of reality of this, this is my family for good, I'm stuck with them now,
yeah, forever. And then things can emerge, right,
But with children, yes, it's different than with a spouse because with these
children, they're trying to be so good, they're trying to be their best, they don't
want to be rejected again possibly. Some of these kids have been moved a couple of
times from home to home. Many times. I'm glad you raised that issue because
sometimes we think more often of the defiant oppositional type behavior.
But One of the behaviors that are also not conducive to long -term mental health is
that I'm going to be perfect. I'm going to be really good. I'm going to be a
people pleaser. I'm just going to agree. These are also behaviors that you will see
when adopting an older child.
Yes. I'm glad you brought that up. So the honeymoon phase, they're trying to be
perfect and then they are just, then they're testing you and they're making sure
that this is permanent and this is, they're just going to be a kid, right? And all
that trauma is going to bubble up and you have to deal with all of that. But
there is something that happened with some kids and they're calling it disinhibited
social engagement disorder. And this is where they're like overly friendly to
everyone. No boundaries. They can trust anyone. This can get,
of course, dangerous for them. And it's rooted in certain trauma, certain experiences
in their past, but it's almost like the opposite of an attachment disorder,
right, where they're overly clingy to everyone and it's not a normal attachment.
Again, could have been a survival technique. It could have been. But, nonetheless,
not good now. Did you know that we can answer your questions individually?
If you submit them to us, we have a podcast called Weekend Wisdom where we take
one question each week and answer it. We need your questions, so send them to us
at info @creatingafamily .org or you can click on the link in the show notes.
Now back to the show. So what are some specific things that you would recommend as
a start with just talking about creating trust With an older child because that's
what the foundation is is trust that they trust you yes, yes,
so the trust is going to come from You keeping your word from the very beginning
about the small and the large things. So if you tell them we're going to go to
this supermarket, you know, life changes for parents, it gets hectic, but try to
stick with what you're saying. Establish your routine for all of the kids in the
family, and that will benefit all of them, but especially your new child who has
come home. Do fun things, laugh, spend lots of time together in the beginning to
the extent that they will permit and they're comfortable with, right? You don't want
to smother them in the beginning, but the trust also comes from the parent not
getting carried away with their own emotions, with their own anxiety, with their own
anger, and it's hard for all parents and we all lose it. Oh my goodness, do I
know that? But trying to create that stable environment where you're modeling good
relationships, you're not making threats in the heat of the moment,
right? When there's misbehavior, you're understanding, you're trying to be patient,
and you're trying to figure out what they need in terms of a listening ear or what
is the best thing for them right now in order to uncoil all of this trauma and
all of this grief and loss, it may look different for each child, but you're
developing trust because you're getting to know them as an individual and you're not
being authoritarian. That's not the parenting model we want to say. We want to say
authoritative, which is you set the rules and you be consistent and you try not to
get carried away with your own emotions, but you're not just a drill sergeant giving
orders and really you're not punishing to the extent, you know,
look, I've been there, it's hard when professionals tell you it's the rewards,
not the punishment, but I would not recommend the traditional punishment and rewards
with these children that you're bringing home that have so much trauma, but get to
know what they enjoy, engage in technology with them, watch the YouTube videos
together, play some games, play PlayStation, the console, whatever they have together
and accept them for who they are. You're not going gonna nitpick about their tattoos
or their piercings or whatever at this point in the game. You're going to instill
in them that especially with gender identity, sexuality, that you absolutely 100 %
accept them for who they are and you're not questioning that part of things.
But of course you're having rules, you're having boundaries, and you're being
consistent with them. That's something you said that I think is so important,
and we harp on this. And that is, have fun. Once a day, you should be doing
something that is fun for you. But you also need to engage with your children.
And this is especially important when you're adopting an older child in doing
something fun. And it should be fun for both of you. Now, as the parent, you're
going to have to be more flexible, but you absolutely can find something,
be it gaming, be it bike riding or whatever, going to a movie, or watching a
particular show, don't miss it all at once, but every night after homework and
everything is done, you sit down for 30 minutes and watch something together. But
when we're parenting, it's easy to overlook that which is really what bonds us as a
family and that is enjoying each other's company. And it sounds so easy and it
isn't because number one you're busy and now there's so much you got to get done
and some of the time you're really irritated at this person. And so that reminder
that you need to be doing something fun and then as a family do something fun at
least once a week have family movie night or, you know, go out to eat junk food,
you know, after church on Sunday or whatever, you know, just do something that
everybody enjoys. And that's how you're also teaching the concept of family,
you know, is that family is not just someone standing on high issuing the rules and
enforcing them, but that you're also somebody that cares about them and what they
enjoy doing? Yeah, I would add to that. Try to let the small things, the smaller
things go for a while. There's the big problems and there's the small things.
So when you mention the junk food, I'm like, yes, you know, I have engaged in a
tug of war with my son for years now about McDonald's, about Wendy's, all these
things. Oh my goodness, this is so bad. And Sometimes I just have to take a breath
and say, "Relax, just go to the darn McDonald's or Burger King and enjoy it and
let him have it." And you know, that can almost be a bonding thing for a new
child because that might be one of the few things, happy memories they have in
their life of like a fast food place or, so you're re -establishing some kind of
bond and activity there and you want to be like the best parent the perfect parent
when they come home and you're kicking yourself for allowing your kids to eat this
and that but relax don't harp on the little things which in the beginning food is
unfortunately the little things it could be harmful in the long run but it's hard
though because parents, oftentimes kids come to us with eating habits that we would
not want to encourage, that we don't think in the long run. But there is something
when we go back to talk about creating trust and attachment, is to understand what
it is, just something as simple as what are they used to eating and providing that.
Provide it and then if it's really something that you feel like that you need to
shift away from, give it six months, and gradually start introducing other foods
without taking these foods away. If they would only, you know, Kraft macaroni and
cheese or actually store brand macaroni and cheese is all that they have eaten are
the only thing that you can find that they will find out what it is. Okay. This
is the brand, then get it, fix it. Yeah. Yes. And then next thing you could do
is, you know, introduce maybe a higher quality if you don't want to eat the the
cheap brand. Exactly but of course there can be those problem eating behaviors and
I'm not talking about indulging in that because they can be dangerous right so these
kids may come to us malnourished even if they're obese you know they're not getting
nutrients they're eating the fast food they were eating the fast food every day for
three years right. It's hard you see a child who is significantly overweight and you
think, okay, we've got to help this kid, or you have a child who comes to you
with some hoarding issues and you think, okay, this is not acceptable,
but that desire to create attachment and trust, part of it's listening and meeting
their exact, their need, where they are right now, and then slowly but surely and
very gradually make changes. Yes. Yeah. One of the issues that we often will hear
is that, okay, this child comes in, they use curse words, or they don't obey,
or they won't go to sleep at night, or, you know, don't eat the food that is
prepared for the family or whatever. And parents worry, how do we prevent these
behaviors from influencing the other kids in the family? Yeah, because you don't want
to be too, you want to have a routine, but you don't want to Nick pick about
everything in terms of if they have to eat something a little different in the
beginning from the rest of the family. That's okay. And you can explain that to the
other kids. So kids picking up maybe some negative behaviors from their new sibling.
First of all, I would to commend that an older child be the youngest in the
family. So if you have a seven -year -old, you're not bringing in a 15 -year -old,
you're bringing in a four -year -old, right? - Well, I think there's some debate on
that now. I think you definitely have to, there are things that you can do, but
you need to be aware if you're disrupting birth order of some special, we'll talk
about that a little later, because the reality is oftentimes when you're adopting
older kids, you will be disrupting birthwater. So you need to go into it with your
eyes open, but we'll talk about that special circumstances. Yeah, yeah. In terms of
the siblings picking up behaviors, be clear with your existing children as the child
joins the family that they can come to you about anything they're concerned about.
So, any concerning behaviors or activities that their new sibling is engaged in,
of course, you have to gauge your child also, are they a follower? Are they someone
who will pick up on some bad behaviors, God forbid, substance misuse or aggression
or cursing or acting out defiantly with parents? Talk with them ahead of time and
explain why this child may be exhibiting. And that they can always come to you with
any concerning behaviors that they're seeing that confuse them or they're just not
sure about. So talk with your, if you're concerned about behaviors roping off,
talking with your kids ahead of time and saying, "In our family, we do not yell
curse words at each other." Joaquin may not know these, it probably doesn't know
these rules. So we have to gradually show him how to, but we're not going to
expect that he's going to understand this at the beginning, but reinforce your family
values as well at the same time. I would introduce them if it's an older child
coming home, not through foster adopt, where the existing children have already had a
chance to get to know them and you're adopting them not through the foster process,
they're available for adoption, they're coming home. You want to introduce the
siblings, the kids to each other and absolutely talk about the struggles that kids
who have been in orphanages abroad or in the U .S. child welfare system,
foster care have had and why they might be seeing certain behaviors, you must
educate your children and talk frank with them about what they might see,
what trauma is, what a developmental issue might be. And you're going to know at
this point some things about some health things about your adoptive child that you
can talk to your other children about before they come home. For example,
if they have a particular physical health issue, or if they have a history of a
certain mental health challenge, you can talk to the kids about that and educate
them so they understand. Let's talk about two special issues that we see specific to
older kids adopted from abroad. One, when a child arrives,
Most often there's going to be the lack of ability to communicate and if you've
ever been traveling in a foreign country and not speak the language you have some
appreciation for how hard that is. So suggestions for helping kids when they first
come home. Oh of course. So first of all I want to say about intercountry adoption
that it is become a lot less prevalent prevalent from when we were doing the
research and we rewrote this book and I got into the whole field and everything. So
there's a lot of a lot less inter -country adoption, but to the extent that you
adopt from a broad and older child, the communications that you can have with them
prior, integrate fun language learning activities,
you know, find out if they have ever spoken English and where and to what extent
and make it fun but of course you have to plan for when they come home and you
have to talk to the school district make sure they're getting all the services
bilingual education services that they need and again make it fun at home with other
siblings they learn their language, some words in their language, as your new child
is learning English. But that could imagine how scary that is, they're coming into a
new, no, it's a bit, you know, there's different ages, right? Regardless, it's scary.
Yes. You know, once we're past infancy, we are used to being able to communicate
our basic needs. One thing to consider doing would be to, before the child arrives,
find somebody in your community that speaks this language and have them at least
come over a couple of times in the first week. And then each week,
have them at least once come by so the child can express more complex thoughts
through the translator to you. I think that's something that you should consider
doing, especially when you're adopting an older child. But even if you're adopting a
five -year -old, they need to be able to say, "I don't know this food you're
serving," or, "I don't like this," or whatever so that you can understand it. Put
labels around the house, label things in English, make it fun. But pictures, if it's
something written and you have to come up with a picture to show them, yes. If
you're doing inter -country adoption, you must. You must become, I hope this is
common sense, but familiar with the culture of your child and I think it's critical
to build that community and even adopting children of a different ethnicity or race
within the United States, you want to consider the community that you live in.
Is it diverse? Are they going to have role models? Are they going to have people
to speak in the case of inter -country, perhaps their language, or there are a lot
of Spanish speakers, for example, in your community. Even if you have to, it's for
the translator, you have to find somebody who is not in your community but can do
it over the phone. I mean, it'd be worth it. Yeah. And then there's phones. There's
Google Translate now. Google Translate is a godsend, yes. So, So we should mention
that you can absolutely avail yourself of all the technology.
I'm glad you mentioned cultural differences, because that's another issue that we face
with older child adoption. We obviously face it adopting internationally,
but you also face these issues when adopting through foster care, because we can
also see cultural differences there. It seems to me that One of the basics is just
respecting that some of what we think of as air quotes around this normal is a
cultural thing and that some of what we see may be very culturally appropriate for
their culture. So understanding as you point out, learning as much as you can about
their culture through people in your community would be. Must. Yeah.
And if not in your community, then online. You know, you want to think about the
community that they're coming into, you may even want to change communities if you
feel that it's not going to be welcoming for your child if they're of a different
culture, race, etc. Unfortunately, that could be the case. So some older children in
the United States actually can have a say about the race or ethnicity of their
adoptive parents. They can express those opinions that they want. Yeah, you're right.
And even beyond race, ethnicity, they want a single mom, or they want two parents,
or they want an African American dad, the gender of the parents,
et cetera. So they're going to be thinking about this, and some older kids are
going to have opinions, and they may not want to be in a racial adoption
situations. So you have to figure out also learn how much say the teens,
the teens in particular, maybe 12 and up, 10 and up, to what extent have these
older kids expressed their needs in terms of the cultural makeup of their adoptive
family, the gender makeup even, etc. Because they're going to have some opinions. So
it's not just you going in there and you learning and you saying I want this child
or that child and I think it'll work or some kids are gonna have actual preferences
and it would not work. It would not work with your family to adopt a particular
child. So that's very important. I just wanted to mention real quick IqoA
requirements to Indian Child Welfare Act, if you are adopting a Native American
child, there are prescribed regulations, stipulations through this federal legislation
called IQUA around that, which you absolutely must be familiar with because it can
be more complicated. But again, you have the cultural competency and cultural learning
issues with Native American children as well. Indian Child Welfare Act for those who
are we refer to it as IQUA. Let me take a moment to thank the Jockey Being Family
Foundation. They have been supporting our non -profit creating a family .org as well
as this podcast for many years. We are very appreciative of their support and
through their support we are able to offer you free courses that can be used as
foster parent continuing education or can just be used as parenting, improving your
parenting skills. They're focused on those who are actively parenting, focusing on
those who are actively in the midst of either fostering or adopting or kinship care.
You can check out these courses at bit .ly /jbfsupport.
That's b -i -t dot l -y slash j -b -f support. All right,
I want to talk now about some safety issues to be thinking about and this is
especially the case if there are younger children in the family. The reality is that
with many older child adoptions we are disrupting birth order and an older child is
being brought into the family where there are obviously children who are younger than
them. One of the issues is sexually acting out.
The other would be physical abuse. I think we could talk about both of those,
things we need to do before the child comes that can protect all the kids,
both the kids who are existing in the family or already here, as well as the new
child coming in. Yeah. So what are some things that parents should specifically think
about doing, especially with the children already in the family to help them,
anticipate and handle any of the safety issues that may arise. So you should be
getting, you should be getting accurate information in the case of the U .S. Child
Welfare System about your child's very concerning behaviors, a prospective adoptive
child. There may be situations where the worker believes that them being an only
child is the best. And that's very important. The child may even have an opinion
that they want to be the only child or the youngest or the oldest or the only
child in the home. But more so, it's going to be about the professionals recognizing
that having siblings is not best for this child. Now, you should have accurate
information about the abuse or neglect and or neglect that they experienced,
and certainly any sexual acting out or physical aggression that they've demonstrated
in the foster home. And talk to those foster parents, of course, you're going to
get insight into these behaviors. Now, preparing young children for the possibility of
something scary, you want to try to avoid that situation. So if an adoptive child
has some serious behaviors and you know that, maybe disrupting birth order is not
the best idea in that situation. If you know in advance, the reality sadly is that
we often don't know. So here's some suggestions that we may want to think about.
One, make sure that all the children, including the children who aren't in the
family, know the family rules about nobody touches anyone without their permission.
That's how we are in our family. When we're angry, we talk, we don't hit. So
setting up boundaries, setting up rules that say your body is your body, nobody can
come in and touch, nobody should tell you not to tell somebody else about something.
So saying all this to the kids who are already in that family, as well as a new
child coming in and letting the kids who are in the home already know that you
will listen whenever they have a concern. They can come to you if something makes
them feel uncomfortable, even if it's not a physical touching. If it makes them feel
uncomfortable to come to you, you're going to listen. So setting those ground rules
very, very clearly, we strongly recommend. And the second thing is
and you may feel like there would be less need for that, but especially for the
first six months or so, it's a hassle. Having to constantly have eyes on a kid,
those are. You may have to put alarms on the child's door at night.
Anything that you could help do to kind of, if a child wanders in the evening and
makes other kids feel uncomfortable, all of those are things that you need to think
about before the child comes home, especially if the older child, if you're
disrupting the birth order and you have younger children in the home, because you
really have to protect all children. Yeah. Yeah. You know, there's a potential for
the sexual acting out for the sexual behaviors, which is not necessarily going to
lead to sexual aggression per se, but it's just weird appropriate behaviors.
I just want to say that certain sexual, even aggressive behaviors amongst children is
different from sexual aggression in adults. We understand this now.
We're not going to treat them like adults, like you have the brain of an adult and
you know morally certain things, right? So there's certain behaviors that are going
on that they don't understand themselves, that they're engaging in. And there is
evidence -based treatment for this. Physical aggression absolutely treatment for that.
Now, if a child is getting physically aggressive with you, walk out of the house.
Try not to engage in it. Show them that you are still in control.
You are not going to stand there while they throw multiple objects at you or dishes
or whatever you know some things are gonna get damaged but you don't want it to
escalate to the point of you're getting into a fist fight with the child I think
walking out onto the porch is a good thing and they they of course should
understand that none of this is okay physical aggression is not okay but they may
have a condition where it's not just as simple as a choice.
They're not being a quote unquote bad kid. These are symptoms of many different
things that we could get into. You know, on occasions you may have to call like a
mobile unit, counseling unit that comes to your home. I hope that people have these
in their neighborhoods. We have them. Where the counselor comes to your home and
calms the child down, it's amazing. these services and you want to try to avoid at
all costs, just calling cops, right? Calling cops for support, calling police to come
into the home to deal with this. You really want a social worker counselor to be
accompanying them for, you know, a variety of reasons. They may not have the proper
training and the child, their history, their trauma. They're not trained for that. So
yes, getting mental health support. And obviously it goes without saying that, perhaps
it shouldn't go without saying, we need to provide kids with counseling. When you're
adopting an older child, a child who has experienced trauma, we need to surround
them with all the supports that they need, including counseling. Let me interrupt
this interview for just a moment to tell you about our Facebook support group.
I mention it in this interview, but it is a terrific resource for adoptive foster
or kinship families. You can check it out at facebook .com /groups /creatingafamily.
Okay, kids who come to our homes through older child adoption, they have a family
before us. If it's international adoption, they may not have contact or the ability
to reach out. But they may also have the ability to reach out even with
international, but certainly with domestic. So what are some things that we as
parents need to think about contact with their biological family that could include
parents? It could include siblings, it could include grandparents, aunts, uncles,
things like that. Yeah, this is so important. You have to be thinking about this
during the process, of course. So inter -country adoption, there may be, the agency
will help you develop a plan, right? A communication plan,
it may involve sending letters once a month to birth parents or other relatives that
the child knows. Sometimes they may have no real family,
they've been in an orphanage, they've been, They may have been in family foster
care, same thing as U .S. adoption, and they have grown attached to the foster
parent, so it's not just biological, but you're developing a plan to keep up that
communication, inter -country, very far geographically, so you want to maybe send
letters, photos, that kind of thing, maybe try to make a trip once a year. That's
tough. But in the American system, you set the rules about contact with the
biological parents. Their parental rights have been terminated. You are now the
parent, and they don't tell you how often they want to see their child.
Ideally, there's a nice relationship where you can sort of talk about it, negotiate
it, but if there isn't, you decide what's best for your child. It's not about
what's best for them, for the adults. But of course, you want to try to keep those
connections if the child's very attached to a birth sibling, a birth parent,
a grandparent, and uncle. People do all kinds of things. I have a friend who
adopted at, the child was four, I believe, four or five, and she knows her birth
mother. They meet at a park or they go to the movies or something like that. And
it's a once a month thing. So it could be a regular meetup like that that's
planned once a month, this particular maybe date, first Saturday of the month,
something like that. We're going to do something together. Maybe perhaps part of it
is just recognizing that this contact, even if they're not asking for it,
they are usually wondering about what has happened to their bio family or as you
write former foster parents, I'm glad you mentioned that because that also is that
it's a natural desire. This is their family and not making that a taboo subject so
that they feel like they're hurting your feelings when they bring that up. It's not
about us. So knowing that our children are probably thinking and experiencing this,
we have the obligation to be the ones who talk about it. And is it important? Is
there a safe way in their safety concerns? Yes, but is there a way that we could
reach out that you perhaps we look on Facebook and we'll find out information that
way if we're concerned about having any direct contact? But they're understanding the
importance seems crucial to me. A topic I want to raise that often happens,
especially with older child adoption, is very often the kids come to us or the
youth come to us having had what in our families would be way too much freedom,
having had a lack of rules. It's hard, I always say in parenting, it should be a
V. As they get older, we have an inverted V where we have a lot more rules as
our children are younger, and then as they get older, we reduce the number of rules
and the ideas for them to start self -controlling and setting up their own boundaries
and their own rules. But with kids coming in who have adopted at an older age,
this has been turned on its head, because often they've had no rules. There has
been no bedtime. There may be no requirements for bathing on a regular basis.
There may be no requirements for going to school when you don't feel like it.
Things like that. And you've got rules in your family that differ from that. But
you're trying to impose rules on somebody who hasn't had them before. Just give us
some thoughts on how to do that. How do we then add rules when the kids have not
had it? Yeah, this kid is coming into a different, every family has like a culture,
right? A norm of how they operate. And they're coming into a new culture. So they
have to get to know your family culture. And if they're not going to get it at
first, they're just not going to understand if they've never had a lot of rules. So
again, the routines is important and constantly repeating the baseline rules and not
getting too upset at the small infractions of the rules, right, but trying to be
consistent. We have a couple of chapters about behavior. A lot of it was written by
Gloria, who's our licensed mental health counselor on the team of writers there, and
she has helped me so much as a parent. But she is an absolute adherent to the
rewards rather than punishments model. The sticker books, the small rewards when kids
are getting those rules, when they're following those rules, they're doing something
right. just go all out and make a big fuss. Oh my goodness, you did that so nice,
you decided to go take a shower without all of the pushing you to get in there at
a certain, by a certain time. Oh my goodness, you are doing so well with that
rule. So there's a method, there's a method that's better with the older kids that
are coming in without necessarily having had great structure in their lives.
And it's also helping them to see that things can be different and you're not being
mean or punishing them by having standards, by having rules. But it's just, it's our
family culture, it's our expectation and you can absolutely adapt. You can grow,
you can overcome. Gloria talks about the growth mindset. That's a whole theory in
itself. You can, you can, you can. And when they do, you make a huge fuss and you
instill in them. You did it. You did it. You're the one who is making this work.
And we really appreciate your behavior, you know. Exactly.
I think that it helps to think through what your rules are. Be clear to yourself
with yourself and if you're partnered with your partner. What are the important rules
in our family? What are the baseline important rules? All right, these we're going
to stick with these and some of the others we're going to let slide.
But these are the ones that are very important. And then try to explain the reasons
to the child coming to your older child as to why these are our family rules,
and then be very consistent with the application of those rules, and as you have
mentioned just repeating what you said, reward compliance with the rules. It's almost
crucial that we approach with older kids the fact that they haven't had to approach
it with this mindset of decide what's important, explain why,
be consistent, and reward compliance as much as we can. Absolutely. Oftentimes,
kids coming into our homes are going to be struggling academically, partly because
they have had sporadic attendance, some will have not had much attendance at all at
schools, so we can expect kids coming in, not all, some are doing extremely well,
in fact, schools where they excel. But assuming that's not the case, what do we
need to have in place or to be thinking about as parents adopting older kids to
help our kids thrive academically or at least survive? - Yeah, yeah, the laws around
making sure that kids can transfer from school to school if they've moved around
between foster homes is better. So Their continuity of schooling should be better
than it was in the past, but you have to find out. You have to get the school
records, education records. A lot of the kids, the older kids being adopted,
they have not had proper mental health care, proper attention to their physical and
mental health and that could mean, and our minds can be neglected, absolutely. And
they're academic health. Yeah, we're talking about academic health. So the academic,
not health, but their academic progress, right? If kids didn't have a whole lot of
attention in their homes, they may be cognitively behind. There's so many things that
could be going on. If you suspect something, get that neuropsychological evaluation or
get that developmental pediatrician. How do you do that through the Yeah.
A developmental pediatrician or through the schools. Now, the schools are going to do
the short, quick version of a neuropsych. I'm going to be completely honest with
you. Talk to your network of mental health providers and make sure that the school
is doing everything they're supposed to. Most schools will not do an evaluation for
autism, all right, which is not great because it's not good at all because you have
to look at the other cognitive markers and evaluate the mental health and behaviors
and all of that in concert with the autism assessment. That's really a complete
neuropsychological exam when something called ADOS, ADOS, is included and that's the
gold standard for autism evaluation. So you may want to get your child evaluated for
a number of reasons. - Who does a neuropsychological evaluation? - A neuropsychologist,
neuropsych. And they would be part of an office that has mental health practitioners,
most likely. They may be a standalone. The school will provide something and they
will pay for something, but it's often inadequate. So if you're noticing behaviors
and cognitive and learning issues, get all of this done because certain learning
disorders or being neurodiverse, which includes ADHD, can affect those behaviors at
home, the aggression, not just the learning and the defiance, right, either at school
or at home. Things can be very complicated, and when you get that neuropsych
evaluation, it can shed a lot of light on not just the learning, but the behaviors
that could be mistaken for traumatic reactions.
There's going to be trauma there, but it could be mistaken also for attachment
issues when, for example, if you have a mildly autistic child who is exhibiting
behaviors that seem aloof and maybe would be labeled an attachment issue, there might
be something else going on there. And then what you do is you get an individual
education plan based on the diagnosis, and schools are responsible for providing the
services and the support that your child needs based on their diagnosis. But helping
kids academically also cultivate that growth mindset. You can be smart, you can
achieve. Maybe no one expected any of thing of them academically in the past. You
have so much room to grow. Light that spark in them that help them find it.
Actually, you're not going to light that spark for learning in them, but recognize
their talents and their interests and just really cultivate that and show them they
are capable. Praise all the achievements. The chronic absenteeism,
they often have issues with that. A lot of kids are still having issues with that,
and there's a whole like sort of cottage industry of people studying school refusal
and chronic absenteeism now, and there's a lot of specialized help for that as well,
but it could be related to having a learning disability or being neurodiverse.
- Okay, a neuropsych evaluation, and then if warranted, an IEP, and I would throw
out, also remember, academics aren't everything. Make sure, find a place, if your kid
is not excelling in school, everybody needs to excel at something. So find something
your kid can excel at. Maybe it's acting, maybe in getting them involved in a play.
Maybe it's a musical instrument. Maybe it's working with animals, so you volunteer at
a shelter. Yes. We shouldn't get too hung up, particularly with older kids coming in
who've come out with such an academic deficit. They may be more career and technical
education might be better for them. So find out what their options are to the older
kids, the teenagers. Sure. Yeah. All right. Last word here. How can parents find
support? Because I so believe that if we can support parents, we can do so much of
a better job at stabilizing families and stabilizing these placements. The great thing
about older child adoption is you're going to have this community built in. The
agency, the child welfare agency or the private agency, if you go with it, is going
to have all of these contexts and referrals for mental health and family counseling.
And you will qualify for a range of services, even financial help. So we're talking
about your child having Medicaid, we're talking about respite care, and yes,
low cost or free mental health counseling. And of course, those who are adopting
internationally are going, "No, my kid's not going to get some of those." So it's
true, and that is a challenge. Yeah, it could be different, it could be different,
but there will be inter -country adoption too. There will be a network of experts
and support people dedicate their whole lives to helping adopted kids and adoptive
families. You want an adoptive competent professional to help you out. If someone's
not familiar with adoption, especially through foster care, they may not be the best
choice because they're gonna be viewing behaviors possibly in a more traditional way.
You want someone who has studied the particular issues of adoptive kids. I would
also put in a plug for the Creating a Family Facebook group. It is a large online
group. If you're experiencing something, I guarantee somebody in the group has already
experienced it and will reach out. You can find it at facebook .com /groups
/creatingafamily or just type in creating a family in the search box in Facebook.
Thank you so much, Dr. Stephanie Bosco -Rigeria, for talking with us today about the
ins and outs of adopting an older child. We truly appreciate your expertise.