How to Connect with an Expectant Parent During Pregnancy - Weekend Wisdom

Question: I have listened to hundreds of adoption-related podcast episodes, but very few of them have talked about talking directly with a potential birth mother. We were matched with an expectant mother who wanted to be able to communicate with us directly. We agreed, believing that it would help us form a better relationship. However, we were mentally unprepared for the wavering she expressed to us. Despite being so certain when we first met with her, as the pregnancy went on, she then had thoughts of parenting. The match ended with disruption, but I would love to hear a podcast about how to handle oneself in that situation. An episode of another podcast talked about how to handle that situation at the hospital during birth, but I felt something dedicated to communication throughout the pregnancy would be helpful.  Thanks for such a helpful podcast!

Resources:

• Our #1 Secret Tip for Navigating Open Adoption
• Signs that an Expectant Woman May Change Her Mind About Placing Her Child for Adoption
• Understanding Expectant Moms Who are Considering Adoption

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

- Hello, and welcome to Weekend Wisdom. I'm your host, Tracy Whitney. Weekend Wisdom
is the short podcast of CreatingaFamily .org that focuses on answering your questions
to strengthen your family. If you have a question about adoption, foster care, or
kinship care, send it to info @creatingafamily .org and we'll put you in the queue.
Today, we're talking about domestic infant adoption. Jen wrote in to ask us the
following question. I have listened to hundreds of adoption -related podcast episodes,
but very few of them talked directly about talking directly with a potential birth
mother. We were matched with an expected mother who wanted to be able to communicate
with us directly, so we agreed, believing that it would help us form a better
relationship. However, we were mentally unprepared for the wavering she expressed to
us. Despite being so certain when we first met her, as the pregnancy went on,
she then had thoughts of parenting. The match ended with disruption, but I would
love to hear a podcast on how to handle oneself in that situation. An episode of
another podcast talked about how to handle a situation at the hospital during birth,
but I felt something dedicated to communication through the pregnancy would be
helpful. Thanks for such a helpful podcast. Well, thank you, Jen, for sharing your
story and for this question. I'm sorry this match didn't work out for you and for
your partner. I hope that you are taking some time to process it and to prepare
your hearts and minds for the next steps in your journey to building your family. I
love that your premise for communicating with an expectant mother during her pregnancy
can help you form a better relationship with her. And it's true, forming that
relationship can become the foundation for ongoing connection for both you and the
child that you adopt. We are big fans of openness and adoption whenever it can be
done safely and whenever relationships can stay healthy. Research shows us that
openness and adoption is good for the children. And this means it can also be good
for the birth parents and the of family too. So to your question about building
that relationship with an expectant parent, I think forming this kind of relationship
with an expectant mother is pretty much like forming any relationship that you are
invested in and that you desire to be long -lasting and ongoing and healthy. It
takes an openness and a willingness to know her and to be known by her. It takes
curiosity, it takes compassion, and it takes time. So while the length of her
pregnancy may not be enough time to form a solid, lifelong bond, it certainly can
give you plenty of time to start forming a good foundation if you are both
interested in moving forward with that. However, it's crucial to remember that an
expectant mother is in a very challenging season. She's facing what might be the
very most difficult decision she's ever made in her life. So while you're ready to
go, dive in deep and form a relationship with her, she might need to kind of go
at a slower pace. She's definitely going to need your empathy and your compassion,
and she may need some time to picture what this might become over that mutual
bonding and connection over the child that you hope to adopt. Her Flavoring in this
instance is only natural. Many expectant parents experience doubt and confusion about
their plans. And when you put her first in this dynamic of your ongoing or building
relationship, as opposed to putting your interest in adopting her baby first, you can
approach her and be someone who helps her feel secure and confident no matter what
decision she makes. If you are treading lightly and letting her kind of take the
lead in how much connection she wants and how deeply she allows you to form that
connection, then you're showing her that you value her and that you see where she
is and what she's facing. Focusing on what she's ready for and what she's willing
to offer and who she is as a whole person, not just as an expectant mom that
you're hoping to build an adoption relationship with, will help her and you be
equipped to handle what's coming next. So speaking of what's coming next,
you mentioned wanting to know how to handle yourself when a disruption occurs. When
a woman changes her mind and decides to parent instead of place for adoption,
she needs to know that her decision is respected and valued. Even if you're
disappointed at her change in plans and it's natural to be disappointed about that,
she deserves to know that you get it and that you get her and that you value that
decision even in the midst of your own disappointment. If you've spent time building
this relationship by focusing your time and efforts on seeing her and knowing her
and letting yourself be known by her as a whole person, it gives her space to do
what she feels is best for her and for her child. And it gives you space to
support her. And then even if it's painful to do so, release her to do what is
the right thing for her and for her family. Yes, you'll be sad. Yes, she may feel
guilty. She may feel sad, But it'll still have communicated to her along the way
that she's not just the mother of a child you hope to adopt. She's a whole person
who has a lot of context that goes into whatever final decision she makes.
I hope this helps, Jen. It can be very painful and we are very sorry for your
grief. We do have many resources on our website regarding open adoption and working
with expectant parents if you have more questions, and we'll link those in the show
notes for you. We wish you luck on the next steps of building your family, and
thank you so much for writing in. And to the rest of you listening in on this
conversation, thank you for listening today. Could you please leave us a rating or
review wherever you're catching this podcast? We are committed to bringing this kind
of helpful information to as many families as we can, and your feedback helps us do
that. Take care and we'll talk to you next week.