How Do I Handle Shocking Information My Child Shares With Me? - Weekend Wisdom

Question: I want to know how I can help my child/foster, or adoptee with issues that arise out of the blue. There are things that happen that you’re not aware of, and it just shocks you and throws you off. As an adult, it’s hard to know how to handle some of these things because you can make it worse for the child. Sometimes I feel like I need a therapist to help me navigate being a foster parent.

Resources:

• Creating a Family Online Support Group
• Helping a Child Heal from Trauma
• Therapy Resources

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

- Welcome to this week's edition of Weekend Wisdom. If you're a regular listener,
welcome back. If you're new to Weekend Wisdom, I'm Tracy Whitney, the content manager
for creatingafamily .org and I'm excited to be here with you today. Weekend Wisdom is
our short form podcast that answers your questions and offers practical information to
strengthen your family. You can send your questions to info @creatingafamily .org and
we'll do our best to find the answers and resources that meet the need you're
expressing. Tell your friends and your family about weekend wisdom and share it from
wherever you get your other favorite podcasts. Today we are answering Rose's question.
She says, "I want to know how I can help my child foster or adopted with the
issues that rise out of the blue. There are things that happen that you're not
aware of and it just shocks you and throws you off. As an adult, it's hard to
know how to respond and how to handle some of these things, because you can make
it worse for the child. Sometimes I feel like I need a therapist to help me
navigate being a foster parent. Well, we agree. Thank you, Rose, for sending in your
question, and I'm sure that all of the listeners can relate to this in some way.
No parent loves that dear in the headlight feeling that we get when we learn
something unexpected about our kids. I would guess that many of us in the fosterer
adoption community also feel like it happens more than we expected it to. It's hard
to know what to say or do when a child that you're supporting drops a
conversational bomb in your lap. And to be fair, it does also happen with our bio
kids. But certainly when you are raising a child who has come to your home with
memories and experiences that you don't know about yet, these unexpected disclosures
can take you by surprise. It seems to me that planning how to handle the unexpected
is going to take some practice. And here's a few suggestions that you can try for
practicing and easing yourself into it. These aren't sequential steps,
but I'm numbering them to help everybody keep track. And let's be honest to help me
keep track. So first, learn how to practice the art of the pause. You need to
release yourself from the pressure of having the right response or even an immediate
response. Instead, take a deep breath. Let them know you're taking a deep breath.
Ask them if you can sit for a minute or two with them to process any information
that they just shared with you. Ask them if you can take 10 minutes and get back
to them after you've thought about it for a few minutes. Second, make sure you
thank the child for trusting you with this information and tell them that you
believe them. It might be easy to assume that this child is lying to you or
exaggerating, especially if there's some history there. But if this child trusts you
enough to tell you something really hard or shocking or painful that is a disclosure
to you, do your best to assume that this is their truth. There will be time enough
later to handle things if that is not the case. Third, do everything you can to
validate their feelings. Say things like, "Wow, that must have been so scary for
you." Or, "I can tell that that really upset you, and I'm sorry that you felt
scared or angry or hurt." Fourth, assure them that they are safe with you.
Whether this disclosure is of a physical nature, emotional or mental health issue or
sexual nature, they need to know that you will be present and protective of them
while they work through what they shared with you. Fifth, do your best to keep the
conversations appropriate to their age or their ability to understand you. And don't
forget that sometimes when are in the middle of a meltdown or having an emotional
outburst, you should probably aim it a little bit younger than the child's typical
everyday abilities. The brain kind of regresses a little bit when they're having
those big emotional outbursts. So when you're doing that in an age -appropriate way,
offer some simple, concise, straightforward wrap -up of what you heard them say.
Something like, so what I'm hearing you say is that you think that your father
stole money from your mother before you were removed from the home. And what you
both need to agree on, as the next steps should also be kind of summarized as
clearly and simply as possible, which brings me to number six, giving them a voice
and a choice. What do they want you to do with this information? You should be
able to help them kind of think through what the next steps are. They might need
suggestions or options to consider. And depending on their age or their understanding,
you can talk through what they want to do next with what they've shared with you.
However, please make sure that if you are a mandated reporter like a foster parent,
you have to let the child know that you are required to report the information if
it is of a reportable nature and assure the child that even if you do have to
report it, you will continue to protect them and guard their dignity and their
privacy to the very best of your ability. Seventh, try to offer an opportunity to
re -regulate and connect with some sort of physical activity. Whether it's a firm
deep hug or holding hands while you go for a walk around the neighborhood or
shooting hoops together in the driveway, try to find some sort of reconnecting
activity that tells them and their brain and their body that they are safe and
cherished. So often these hard or shocking disclosures can come with a lot of shame
for our kids. So you want to refocus your time and your attention on a connecting
activity that will level out that shame. You want them to know that nothing that
happened to them and nothing that they will tell you will change how you feel about
them. And finally, try to stick close for a bit. Your presence and your safe
reassurances will give their brain in their body the message that they're safe, that
you're not put off by anything that they shared, that you are with them, and that
you're covering them with your safety and your authority. Rose, I hope these ideas
helped you navigate the experiences you're having with your foster kids. You mentioned
in your question that you feel like you need a therapist to help you do this
fostering role. And you're right, you do. You deserve a safe space to learn some
new tools for how to navigate conversations with your foster kids and to offload
some of the hard stuff that you experience while you're helping these kids heal. If
you can find a counselor or a therapist to be a safe space for you, do it. If
you don't have a therapist or a counselor and it's not really in the budget right
now, try to find a safe friend who can just handle whatever it is that you might
offload. that's a form of self -care that you really need to employ in order to
keep yourself stable and be that safe, stable place for your foster child. We also
have an active, supportive online community which will welcome you with open arms if
you're interested. You can find us at facebook .com /groups /creatingafamily.
I hope we see you over there soon. If you liked what you heard today, please
consider offering us a rating or a review wherever it is that you listen to your
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information out into the hands of other listeners and followers who are looking to
strengthen their family also. Thanks so much for listening and have a great day!