What Do I Call My Child's Birth Mother? - Weekend Wisdom

Question: My husband and I are in the process of growing our family through adoption. It would be a domestic infant adoption, and we are hoping to cultivate a long-term relationship with the future baby’s birth family. I noticed that whenever I feel hesitation when thinking about openness, I can bring myself back down to earth by recognizing that any hesitation results from making things about ME, not the baby or birth family. 

The one question I can’t seem to navigate on my own is this...what do adopted children call their birth mothers? How do I, as a future adoptive mom, refer to the baby’s birth mom? I want to respect the baby and birth mom; any insight on how families handle this would be so helpful! 

Resources:

• What Does Your Child Call Her Birth Mother?
• 5 Tips for Navigating Sticky Situations with Birth Parents
• Positive Adoption Language & Why It Matters 

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Welcome everyone to Weekend Wisdom by Creating a Family. This is our opportunity to
answer your questions. So everyone, send us your questions. You can send us your
questions at info @creatingafamily .org or there's a link in the show notes and you
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what five, ten minutes to answer your questions. So today we have someone else other
than me answering your questions. We have Tracy Whitney. Tracy has been with Creating
a Family for nine years. I'm blown away every time I think about that,
Tracy. Tracy is here because she and I are going to start sharing the weekend
wisdom duty. And that's because at some point in 2025, I am going to be retiring
and Tracy will be taking my place. So send us your questions and you will get
either me or Tracy and take it away Tracy today. What is the question and share
with us your wisdom? Thanks for having me Dawn. So today we're going to be talking
about what adopted children call their birth parents and our question comes from
Rochester, New York. Hello my husband and I are in the process of growing our
family through adoption. It would be a domestic infant adoption and we are hoping to
cultivate a long -term relationship with the future baby's birth family. I noticed
that anytime I feel hesitation when thinking about openness I can bring myself back
down to earth by recognizing that my hesitation is a result of me making things
about me and not the baby or its birth family. The one question I can't seem to
navigate on my own is this. What do adopted children call their birth mothers?
How do I, as an adoptive mom, refer to baby's birth mom? I want to be respectful
of baby and birth mom, so any insight on how families handle this would be so
helpful. Thank you for all that you do and your guests do to provide education and
insight. - Well, Rochester, New York, thank you so much for your question and for
your very kind words about our work. Hearing that from our listeners is the fuel in
the tank that keeps us on our mission. I wanna start by saying how much I
appreciate the thoughtful and intentional way that you're approaching the whole idea
of a relationship with your future child's birth family. I also deeply resonate with
the self -awareness that your hesitation about openness is about you making this about
you. Trust me when I say that this self -reflection is a great tool that you will
appreciate when you are in the thick of adoptive parenting down the road. As to
your question about what adopted kids call their birth mothers, I have to say that
I don't think this is going to be quite the answer you're looking for. But in my
experience with the many different family members and the many different members of
the adoption constellation in the creating a family Facebook group, it seems like
every family has their own way of answering this one question. So when adoption
involves some level of openness, such as domestic infant adoption or foster care
adoption, we quite often hear about kids calling their birth moms by their first
names like Jane. Some variations of that would be like mommy Jane or mama Jane,
anti -Jane, even some people go by. I would also expect that asking the expectant
mom if you are building this relationship with her would be a way to take her
preferences into consideration and it would communicate deep respect and honor for her
place in this child's life. When you are raising a child who is not in contact
with birth parents or the birth parents are unknown, such as a situation like
international adoption. The kids are more apt to use a more generic term like my
bio mom or my birth mom. Sometimes families through international adoption add the
country of origin to the mommy label, landing on China mom or Columbia mommy. How
you refer to your child's birth mother will also depend on whom you are speaking
to. For example, if you're talking with your child and your immediate family,
it's likely that you will end up calling her Jane or mommy Jane, especially if the
child's within listening distance. But if you're speaking with extended circles or
acquaintances or like the school office when you go to enroll them for kindergarten
or something like that, referring to her as my child's birth mother or Johnny's
birth mom is pretty much the norm. Of course, some families develop their own cute
little nicknames or shorthand for their children's birth parents and while we would
never say that this is absolutely right or absolutely wrong, we do recommend that
you get the birth mother's buy -in to something like that before settling on it. And
sometimes, just like the efforts of picking a grandma name, which I just recently
had to do, you get whatever comes out of the baby's mouth and that's what sticks.
So the bottom line to all of this is that it's useful to hear what other families
are doing. But it's our best recommendation that you have a conversation with the
expectant mom before the baby is born and feel her out on the topic. See what is
comfortable for her what she prefers, especially if you're all already working towards
a long term sustainable and open -hearted relationship, you can significantly
communicate how you respect and honor her when you do so. Thank you,
Tracy. And you guys are going to hear more from Tracy as time goes on. And before
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