Adopting Siblings: Issues to Consider

Are you considering adopting a sibling group? Join us for this interview with Deborah Bass Artis, MSW and Senior Program Director of Foster Care to Permanency with Children’s Home Society of NC.

In this episode, we discuss:

1. Why is it important to keep siblings together when placed for foster care or adoption?
2. Advantages to adopting siblings.
3. Special issues to consider
   1. Thinking About Adopting a Sibling Group? Things to Consider First
   2. Practical Tips for Fostering a Sibling Group
4. Integrating siblings with children already in the family
   1. Involve children already in the family
   2. Get your support network in place before you adopt 
   3. Suggested books for helping siblings understand adoption. 
5. Parentified child
   1. Tips for handling a parentified child. 
      1. Parenting Tips for a Parentified Child
6. Overcoming unhealthy dynamics from their past
   1. One child was the favorite in their previous family or families.
   2. Sibling rivalry 
7. When is it not a good idea to keep siblings together?
8. Consider your motivation carefully- be honest with yourself and your partner about your desire to adopt a sibling group. 
9. Tips for parents adopting or fostering a sibling group 
   1. Educate yourself before opening your home to a sibling group- it always helps to have realistic expectations
   2. Be patient with yourselves and the children- it’s a big adjustment for everyone.
   3. Develop your support system ahead of time.
   4. Take care of yourself. Spending time on things that are important to you is not selfish!
   5. If married, ensure your marriage/partnership remains strong- it is the foundation of your family’s health.
   6. If single, maintain your friendships. You need to have a life outside of your children.
   7. Find individual time with each child in the family 
   8. Pay attention to each child’s interests and personality and create opportunities for those to grow. Don’t treat the sibling group as a unit.
   9. Seek out professional support for the family when needed.

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.
Dawn Davenport  0:00  
Welcome everyone to Creating a Family. Talk about foster, adoptive and kinship care. I'm Dawn Davenport. I am the host of this show, obviously, as well as the director of the nonprofit creating a family.org Today we're going to be talking about adopting siblings, issues that we need to consider if you're thinking about adopting a sibling group. We'll be talking with Deborah Bass Artis. She has her master's in social work and is a Senior Program Director of foster care to permanency with Children's Home Society of North Carolina, where she's been employed for over 30 years. Prior to that, she was employed for 10 years with a public child welfare agency in North Carolina where she served children and families in the foster care and adoption areas. Welcome Deborah to creating a family. We're so glad to have you.

Speaker 1  0:47  
Good morning and thank you for having me. I'm glad to be here. You

Dawn Davenport  0:52  
know siblings are available for adoption in all types of adoption, foster care, international and even domestic infant, although rarer in private, domestic infant adoptions, in fact, honestly, in foster care adoptions, as well as in some countries, in international adoption, the greatest need is for adoptive families, for sibling groups. So why is it important to keep siblings together in place for adoption or foster care for that matter? Yes,

Speaker 1  1:18  
Don I certainly agree with you, the greatest need right now, and the need that we're seeing are large sibling groups coming in together. And when we say sibling groups, we're talking about 234, or more children that are blood related and need to be placed in the same home. I think the benefits of placing siblings together is, for one thing, it eases some of the transition for the children, because they're being placed with individuals that they're familiar with. They're being placed with someone that they have a connection already with. So it allows that transition to be much easier for them, which will make it easier for the adopted family as well. Also it's just those lifelong connections. It promotes healthy relationships. It promotes belonging. It shows kids that there's someone here that looks like me, talks like me, and that I've seen before, rather than a total strange environment.

Dawn Davenport  2:18  
And share some of your history. You know, do you remember when this happened are do you remember this person? Just the things that we all think of. You know, for many of us, our relationships with our siblings will be the longest relationships in our lives, even longer than our parents and longer certainly, than our spouses. So yeah, what are some other advantages to keeping siblings together.

Speaker 1  2:43  
I think siblings place together. They often thrive better. They are able to quickly adapt. In some cases. It also allows for them to have someone, as you said, Dawn, that they can relate back to and remember their history and know where they came from, and they often talk about relatives and birth parents and others from their birth families. It also allows for families to really look at individual children yet grow their family much quicker. We'll

Dawn Davenport  3:20  
swing back to that, because I do want to talk about the advantages to the adoptive family too. Because I do want to talk about that as well. One thing I think about is, when adopting across racial or cultural lines, would there be additional advantages for the child or children, if the parents are one race or ethnicity, and the sibling group is a different what are some of the advantages, then, for adopting siblings, that

Speaker 1  3:47  
cultural connection, you know, understanding where each one of them are coming from. Again, having someone in the home that looks like me, that is not of a different race than myself, and it also allows them with some of those challenges that they're going to face, because they will face challenges in the communities, in schools, they're able to be able to share that with someone that they feel will understand and be able to listen and hear,

Dawn Davenport  4:13  
yeah, and older siblings can act as a guide in helping younger siblings understand how To navigate the world as a person of their race or ethnicity, that makes great sense. So now let's shift to talking about some of the advantages to the adoptive family who is thinking about adopting and is considering a sibling group you were alluding to that earlier. Now, can you share some of the advantages that you see, I

Speaker 1  4:41  
think the advantages of bringing on this child in your home through adoption, it allows you, first of all, to meet a need, to meet a need of our community, to meet a need of the children that are in need of permanency, but it also allows you to give back and to be able to model. For children, what healthy relationships may look like. I think it's an advantage for the parents as well as an advantage for the children. Adoptive parents say I want to help a child, but in so many cases, it's helping us as individuals and as adults. It's giving us the opportunity to love someone. It's giving us the opportunity to kind of feed in and to nurture those little souls that may need us. But it also allows you, as an adoptive parent to make a difference. A huge difference in the lives of children in our foster care system.

Dawn Davenport  5:35  
Is there, generally speaking, a shorter weight if an adoptive family is open to adopting a sibling group of of any size, most definitely,

Speaker 1  5:45  
I challenge families, and we challenge families as an agency, as they're coming in, when they say we only want one child, we are very transparent and said many, in most cases, it's a sibling group. It's at least two children coming into care together, so we need you to be open to that. Right now, we're having challenges as an agency finding families that want siblings, especially three or more, and that's what we're seeing with we're seeing sibling groups of three or more, and we're also licensing our families for foster care for sibling groups and asking them how they feel about that. But we also have a lot of families that are open now. They're willing to open that window, willing to have those conversations. So if a family is open to a sibling group, in most cases, their weight will not be that long, depending on what other criterias are out there, as far as the child that they can parent,

Dawn Davenport  6:44  
you know, and often, adoptive parents are approaching this because they're wanting to parent that they're wanting, yes, sometimes they're also wanting to give back. There are other reasons. But they also want a family. They want the experience of parenting. And one of the advantages with a sibling group, let's say a family. Ultimately, they think three children would be the perfect family size. They have no children. Well, if you adopt a sibling group, then more quickly, you have reached what you perceive to be your ideal family size. You have your instant family without having the to go through the process of slowly but surely adding which is the more typical some parents would perceive that as an advantage too. Do you see that as well? I

Speaker 1  7:26  
do, and we have many families that want more than one children, so it gives you the opportunity to, okay, I want three kids in my life. Let's go ahead and get them all at one time. We're going to parent them, raise them, and then we're going to start over again. And we see that, we see families starting over where they have adult children, and now they're bringing sibling groups of children into their home as well. Yeah,

Dawn Davenport  7:49  
especially if you're of an older age. Then if you wanted three children, if you are starting later, you will be much older by the time the third child arrives, if you adopt them all at once, then you have the advantage of not being 65 with a high schooler. Yes, ma'am, yes. All right. Excellent. And then you mentioned earlier that another advantage to the adoptive parents is that the children have each other to help them with the adjustment, or this can happen, and so a smoother adjustment period is another advantage. Let me pause here for a moment to tell you about one of our sponsors, but make sure you come back after this break, because we're going to now start discussing some of the special issues that you need to consider before you adopt a sibling group. But first, let me tell you about Vista Del Mar. Vista Del Mar is a licensed non profit adoption agency with over 65 years of experience helping to create families. They offer a home study only service as well as a full service infant adoption program and international home studies and post adoption support. They also have a foster to adopt program. You can find more information about them online at Vista Del mar.org/adoption, thank you, Vista Del Mar, and now back to the show with all the advantages we talked about, there are also some special issues we need to consider when you are bringing in more than one child at the same time. One of the challenges is, how do you form an attachment with both children separately? First of all, let me ask, Is that a problem that you see? And then second, what do you recommend for parents?

Speaker 1  9:46  
One of the special considerations that need to be made when bringing more than one child in, you have more than one child to focus on. So, as you said earlier, making sure that you're meeting the needs of each individual child as well. As that sibling group as a whole. So giving yourself the opportunity to bond, to connect, spend quality time with each child individually and also as a sibling group, because children will feed off of each other, they will respond differently to each of the parents as well. They'll respond differently with you individually, as they would in a sibling group or as a in a group. So given that opportunity, and being intentional about making sure that you're looking at each child individually, not that this is a sibling group and they're both going to behave the same way or act the same way or do the same things, because it's totally different. All kids are different. They have their different temperaments. One may wear their heart on their sleeve where the other one is a tough little cookie, and they usually balance each other out in that with siblings. We see it all the time, so just making sure that you're maintaining that relationship individually as well as a family group,

Dawn Davenport  11:01  
another special issue to consider when adopting siblings is the possibility that the children maintain their primary attachment to each other, rather than to their parents. The new parents coming in, they've already established trust with their sibling. The siblings may have been parenting each other, and honestly, usually parents are less trustworthy in their experience. So let's address that special issue, special concern. And

Speaker 1  11:30  
I think one of the things that we've seen, and I've seen is sometimes when you have a sibling group, the older child, or maybe not necessarily, will continue to align with the birth parents. So we often have situations where one child is still very, very connected to their birth parent, and that's what they talk about, that's what you hear, that's who they're missing, that's who they're grieving, whereas another child may grieve differently and is ready to move on and call the new parents mom and dad, while one of the other children may not be in that spot, and that's okay. It's appropriate to give each child their space for grieving, because everyone grieves differently, and we see that as been a challenge. Some families will be challenged with that, and we've had families to say we don't feel that this child is attaching to us. So we we will keep the younger child, or we will keep this child, but this child just isn't attaching to us, and we have those conversations about over time, each child had a different relationship with their birth family and their birth parents, and they'll have a different relationship with you as as their adoptive parent. So there's nothing wrong with that. It's normal. You just have to continue to nurture and grow and talk about those feelings well.

Dawn Davenport  12:51  
And parents can also feel more connected to one child over another. As you say, siblings are not homogeneous. Anybody who's had children will will know that and and so each child coming in, we have a you may have a different relationship with what do you do when the parents themselves are bonding and attaching more to one child over another, resources

Speaker 1  13:13  
on top of resources, on top of resources, and also just knowing that in a couple, one parent may attach to the children where the other one does not, and that becomes a source of communication, talking about it, adoptive moms may feel that they're not attaching to the male child that comes in their home, whereas that male child is attaching to their husband more strongly, you know, but that's typical. That's normal. It's just a different type of relationship. So working with adoptive parents to have them understand what attachment looks like, what bonding looks like, what kinds of resources can we put into place? And you know, in our child welfare system, we're all about resources and making sure that kids have what they need and that families have what they need, whether that's individual and or family counseling to address many of those issues, but normalizing some of those feelings is very, very important, that there's nothing wrong, there's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing wrong with the child. It's a process.

Dawn Davenport  14:19  
I think that's the perfect way to say it. In fact, I would almost say that it is not abnormal. It is normal to have different feelings for each of the children coming in and to feel more connected, especially initially, with the child that either is more similar, personality is our temperament is, is more aligned with yours, or is more comfortable for you. So I think that normalizing it, as opposed to making it feel like this is a problem, as you say, it's just a process. Let me take a moment now to tell you about some prenatal substance exposure training that we have make sure. You come back and join us after this momentary break, because we're going to be talking about tips for integrating the new siblings you're bringing in with the children who are already in the family. Creating a family has a wonderful workshop for parents, for those parents who either know or think that their children have been exposed to alcohol or drugs during pregnancy, you can get more information at Bitly B, I T, dot, l, y, slash, prenatal dash exposure, dash training. This workshop is over three sessions. It's a tremendous resource. So if you are in that situation where you think your child may have been prenatally exposed, please check it out at Bitly slash prenatal dash exposure, dash training. And now back to this interview. One of the greatest risks we see when adopting, in general, when their children already in the family, but especially with sibling groups, is that oftentimes the parents are struggling the most because of the relationship between the children, the kids who are already in the family, and the new children they are bringing in. So I'd like to talk some proactively of what we can do to help integrate siblings with children already in the family to help ward off some of the conflicts that will come. So do you have suggestions for what to do to help kids already in the family? Because bringing in 234, additional kids is an adjustment, not only for the parents, but for the other children in the family. Plan

Speaker 1  16:40  
ahead. Think about during the process of preparing to bring children in your home. Please involve the birth children in the home, or other children that may be in the home on some level, granted, they have no control over making the final decisions or anything of that nature. But they need to be involved. They need to be looped in. They need to be able to understand what this process will look like. And any children that you add to your family, they're not there temporarily. They're coming to stay. They're not visiting. So helping them understand what the process looks like, what adoption is. There is so much information out there for children, whether it's books or videos or movies or anything of that nature, that can help them understand the process of adding additional children to the home. But also be intentional. Start thinking about grooming situations. Start thinking about how you're gonna split your time, not only with the new children coming in, but the children that are currently in the home, making sure that the children that are currently in the home do not feel displaced with the new kiddos coming in. We know that there's going to be many more needs of those children entering because of the traumas that they may have been exposed to, the newness, the adjustment, but be intentional about making sure that you're continuing to spend that quality time with the existing children. They're not missing out on things. You're not canceling their extra curriculum activities. To do something different. They need to know that they still fit and that they're a part, but also those children can be mentors. They can be models, they can be little helpers in little bitty ways, and they feel valued in this process, that they're part of this, and they're a part of bringing other children into their home. One other thing is be aware of triggers. What do you mean by triggers? Often we don't think about bringing new children into our families and how it may trigger a child that's already there, whether that's a birth child, or whether that's a child that you've adopted previously. We just had a recent situation where we placed a child in a home, and within days, you could just see the triggers. It brought back memories of that other child that was in the home of when he came into the home for the purpose of adoption. It didn't work. It wasn't a good fit. Those triggers sent him over the top. So look at your kids. Make sure that the existing kids in the home you understand who they are, how they function, how they process things, so you can start to see if they start to act differently. So be aware of any triggers that may come into place,

Dawn Davenport  19:30  
and expect that that's going to be a rough adjustment. Better to be prepared. My grandmother always said, prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and settle for anything in between. One thing I did want to mention you talked about books creating a family. Has a terrific list of suggested books for helping siblings understand adoption. You had mentioned that one thing that occurs to me, Deborah, when you're talking paying extra attention to the children in the family, making sure you don't come. Out activities that are important to the kids, just because you're so busy with bringing in additional children into the family, it occurs to me, as we talk about this, that all of this takes time. All of this takes if you're trying to have time with all the children, if you're trying to be able to be a resource and pay extra special attention to all of these kids. All of this takes a lot of time, so when you were talking about planning ahead, an additional thing to plan ahead for is, how can I simplify my life? How can I carve out some extra time? Do I need to get extra help? Do I need to go to my faith community and say I could really use a meal train? Right about now? Would anybody be willing to come in and wash clothes three times a week? More importantly, fold and put the clothes away. The washing is the easy part. So things like that, setting up things in advance, so that the parents for an extended period of time, not just a week or two, you need to have extra help. Ask the grandparents, can you come in and take our oldest child to soccer practice, or can you stay with the kids here so I can take the older child to soccer practice and have extra time with her in the car as we're driving things like that. Figure out your support system and get them activated. And don't think short term. Think long term. Have you seen that being helpful in your practice?

Speaker 1  21:34  
Most definitely, I think the most successful families are those families that have folks wrapped around them. It's a village. But it also continues to build that connection of those children to their grandparents, their family system, their friends, having those folks that can come in and just give you relief. You know, I think the other thing is making sure that you create activities that involve all the children, that build connections. That's a great one, so that the children are connecting to each other. We also talk with adoptive families. Be careful of language when you're in the presence of children you know, not referring to the existing child in your home as my child, or my real child, or something of that nature. So just be aware of language and how language can make the world of difference. Just the tiniest of word can make the world of difference and interrupt that connecting process and that bonding process, because the kid may hear it differently than what you needed,

Dawn Davenport  22:46  
well exactly, and when you refer to my child, that's such a good point. And yet that is, there is a distinction between the children coming in and in your mind you're trying to speak to that distinction. But language matters. It matters a lot. The children already in the family are really the experts on the family, or could be the experts. That's another way that parents could allow children who are already in the family to participate in helping with the adjustment. What are the family rules? How do we set our table? How do we take turns in helping with cleanup things like that? Are things that your kids could be the experts on? And let's be honest, most people want to be experts on something children included. Do you think that having children already in the family can be an advantage? We've been talking about some of the negatives associated with bringing a sibling group in when you have children already in the family, are there also some advantages to having children already in the family, when you're bringing in a sibling group, most

Speaker 1  23:50  
definitely, I think having children already in the family, children like to see other kids. You know, as you were saying earlier, Don the other children in the family can be an example, they can say, I might not, wouldn't do that if I was you, yeah,

Dawn Davenport  24:04  
that's really going to take mom off. I'm just telling you, yeah,

Speaker 1  24:09  
you know. And they'll have some alliance with each other. And we do have children that request that they are being placed with other children in the home. They want to be there with other children in the home as well. I think the other advantage is you have experience. You have had experience with kids already in your family system that oh, I've seen this before. I've seen this behavior before, regardless of whether it's a birth child or an adopted child or a previous foster child. You've seen some of the things that you may see with bringing other children into your family system, and in some way as a parent, it eases that stress. You know, you can take some things a little bit lighter than you naturally would if you had not had the experience of parenting before. It's not

Dawn Davenport  24:59  
your. First rodeo. You have seen tangents. You have seen people balk at bedtime. You have seen people get up at night and get on their devices when they're not supposed to be. You've seen it all. Are you seen most of it so it's hopefully easier to not overreact to behaviors. You might see Deborah as we're talking, it seems to me that one of the most important things that the underlying thing you're saying is that it's important for parents to recognize that when they bring additional children into the family, it's going to be a challenge at times for the children already in the family, they're going to get less attention, no matter what you think. The reality is, time is a limited quantity, and so your children will likely get or not likely they will get less attention, and they're going to be moments of jealousy, and their lives absolutely are going to change in real ways. I think it also helps, in addition to also realize that the kids in the family are also going to benefit. What are some of the benefits? And they're actually there has been research on this as to some of the benefits. The research that I've read is more in foster families, but it would, they would hold over. So what are some of the benefits you see to children who are in a family that adopts a sibling group and brings more children into the family.

Speaker 1  26:25  
In many cases, those children want siblings. You know, when we see children that are already in the family, the the family will say, Oh, my kid wants a brother or sister. You know, they want to be able to have someone to connect to. They want to have someone to have a bond to. They want that sibling relationship as well. You know, I think the benefit for the children and the family is they get to have and reap the benefits of having someone that may be similar to them in some way they will have a connection with for the rest of their life. They're creating another sibling group. They're creating that lifelong connection with someone that they will call brother or sister. And that's one of the things, as you mentioned earlier. Don that siblings relationships are the longest when folks search. When adult adoptees are searching, they're searching for their siblings. In most cases, very often, they're searching to see if they have brothers and sisters out there, because they're missing that. So I think those children that are already in the home, it allows them the opportunity to continue building relationships, to establish sibling relationships, and in some cases, it allows their parents to take some of the spotlight off of them and not be as hard on them. Sometimes they're sharing that whole parenting experience with someone else that's in the home. It's it's wonderful. I grew up an only child, but I have many, many friends that are siblings to me in one way or the other. So it allows me to have those relationships and those lifelong relationships. I

Dawn Davenport  28:06  
always told my kids I had way too much parental energy to have just one child, and the greatest gift I gave them was to kind of spread out some of that energy over multiple children. I'm not sure they always would agree with that, but that is when I say, you know, I also think that when we are bringing in a sibling group, and there's research that supports this, that the children already in the family grow in other ways, grow in compassion, grow in learning to compromise, but also understanding that life can change in ways, and that short other people who have had much harder experiences. And we see that even into adulthood, of kids who have had either adoption or parents fostered, and they often are more giving as adults, they see their need, they see and they had an example of how you meet needs and for others. So I think that all of those are possible benefits. And so going in, knowing that they're going to be challenges to the kids already in the family, but also that there will be benefits to the children already in the family, I want now to talk about something that we often see in sibling groups, and we call it the parentified child, which is a fancy way of saying that the reason that children have been removed is most often neglect. So there was a need in the family for some for to parent these children, and often the oldest child in the family, or one of the children in the family, will step up and meet that need. In essence, they have become the parent to the younger siblings in the family, and the term for that is a parentified child. Why is this a problem? Because I can see that a parent would say, oh, somebody comes in and they want to help them get dressed, they want to put them to bed at night, and they want to fix their meal and all this type of stuff. Well, that sounds great to me. Why is that a problem? When adopting siblings,

Speaker 1  30:02  
I think the role reversal. You know that Coronavirus child, as you mentioned, there's been a role reversal. They've had to take on, rather by choice, or rather by force. They've had to take on the responsibility of caring for their younger siblings, in some cases and sometimes vice versa. Is the younger sibling taking care of the older sibling. Especially,

Dawn Davenport  30:22  
I've seen that not to be a gender stereotyping here, but if the second child is a girl, sometimes that child then takes over the the parenting role. Yeah, go ahead, yes. And

Speaker 1  30:33  
they've taken on that role of making sure that their sibling eats and is fed and is clothed and diapers are changed. You have little ones that are six and seven changing diapers of 18 months old and 12 month old children, and it's because they've had to because of the neglect or the background or the trauma that they've been involved in. We've had children left alone, sibling groups left alone, and they've had to care for each other. That becomes an issue, because our children have ages and stages that they must go through. We all must go through those ages and stages in order to be healthy as we come into adulthood, and things of that nature and that that child having to take on the role and take on the role of the parental person in that family system, it interrupts, it disrupts them growing in that normal, healthy way that we want them to grow. And it can become an issue for families, for parents, in that they will come in. You know, I've had a family system. I remember a while back where every morning, when the adoptive mom got up to get the younger child dressed, the child was already dressed. The sibling had gotten up very, very early and dressed the child and what she wanted her brother to wear, and all of those things. And it became an issue for the adoptive mom, so we had to talk about that. And as we said earlier, everything is a process. Let's start to change this around. Let's slowly start to give this older child permission to be a child, permission to do nothing but dress yourself and no one else. I got this. Let me be the parent, and let's start you being a child. So it does become an issue on two levels. For the children, it means that they've lost stages of their life,

Dawn Davenport  32:27  
for their child who is taking over the parenting role. They've lost for the child

Speaker 1  32:30  
that is taking on the parenting role, they have lost stages of their life. Their life stages have been interrupted, which may impact them as they grow older. For the adoptive parents. They came into this to be parents, and that's what they want to do, and sometimes they feel as if that parentalized child is taking on their role, so helping them understand why that child had to take on that role at that moment in their lives. And let's start to change that. Let's start to switch that up for this kiddo, so that they understand how to be a kid and go back and you may see some regression in them trying to regain what they lost.

Dawn Davenport  33:11  
And another concern when we say, Why is it a problem is that if the older child, or the child who's taken on the parenting role is continuing to do that. It can interfere with the bonding, certainly, of the child who is parenting because they're not being parented, but also it takes over. It could interfere with the bonding of the younger child because they're not relying on the parent. That's part of how we attach and bond with children is by we care for them, we provide for them, and that is a strong element of creating attachment. And if the parent is not the one doing that, that could interfere with that, we've already given some tips. Let me mention that creating a family has a tip sheet on tips for helping a parentified child, and that will be linked in the show notes the outline. However, let's give some now here. What are some tips so you have a child who is taking on the parenting role for the younger children in the are the other children in the sibling group? What are some things that you would suggest that parents can do to help ameliorate this

Speaker 1  34:28  
communication, communication and talking with the parent five child about their role, their age, what the expectations are of them, and the expectation of them is not to care for another child in the home. That's your role as a parent. My role is to love you, take care of you and give you what you need. Your role is to enjoy life and do the things that Children your age will do. So I think really communicating with that parenterized child and giving them from. Position to take a step back from being that caretaker, but also showing that child that you're there to take care of their younger child. Trust is a major issue for the parentalized child. They need to be able to trust that someone's going to take care of their younger siblings or their sibling and that's how that comes into play, that was not there when they had to take on that role. So now they need to see that the new parents are going to be there. They're going to make sure that the needs of all of the kids are met and that they don't have to. So I think just showing and modeling and giving grace on some level, and letting that child grow into being a child. One

Dawn Davenport  35:42  
thing that I have seen be very effective, especially at the beginning, is respect the expertise that the older child has. What does your brother like to eat, or what songs or books does your sister like to have before bedtime? Or what's the bedtime routine are. Do you have an idea why he's crying when I put him in the car seat? You know, respecting their expertise at the same time that you're easing them out of this role makes it easier for them to trust you, because they know something that you need to know. And if you want them to trust you. You need to have their information and they need to implement it. Any other tips that you might have for helping a child who has taken on the parenting role release some of the responsibility.

Speaker 1  36:35  
Involve them in activities, age appropriate activities. Involve them in sports and dance, in whatever they have an interest in, whether that's arts, involve them in activities. Get them busy in other ways, change their focus.

Dawn Davenport  36:51  
Yeah, if you're at soccer practice after school, you're not going to be having as much time to parent the child who is at home exactly. Let's talk about another concern, a potential concern, the siblings have been a unit in a family before they came to you, and in that previous family unit, the birth family unit, unhealthy dynamics could have developed. For example, one child might have been the favorite in their previous family, in their birth family. I've certainly seen that. I'm sure you have as well, and everybody likes that role. So that's a hard role to give up when they come into your family. Suggestions on how to handle that,

Speaker 1  37:34  
I think, again, is just absorbing it, being aware, being intentional, about making sure that there's fairness, making sure that we understand that siblings are going to fuss, fight, yell, that's what they're going to do. That's what kids do, you know. So it's not unusual, and that child that may have been the favorite and wants to be the favorite, now you're going to have to make sure, and we're going to have to make sure that you're giving yourself to each and every child, as we were saying earlier, every child is different. Every child's needs is different. So making sure that you have a clear understanding and process what the needs of each of the children are, and you may be spreading yourself then on some days

Speaker 2  38:18  
you will be yes, you know, but you gotta make it

Speaker 1  38:23  
happen, you know, yeah, you know, be as tired as all get out when you go to bed at night, when the when the head hits the pillow, but you know that you've met each one of those children's needs. And also give yourself grace. Mm hmm, because as parents, we don't do everything right. We never have, we never will, you know, so give yourself grace, because there's a new day coming, but also helping children understand that there's more than one of you, and we're going to make sure that everybody's taken care of. But it may come in a different way.

Dawn Davenport  38:56  
You know, when we go back to the the situation where one child was the favorite in their birth family, giving that child grace as well. Yes, it may look like their behavior is selfish. It may look like they are spoiled, but in fact, they're dealing with the hand they were dealt, just like all the other children in that sibling group are dealing with their it's easy to say that I'm going to over Correct? I'm going to favor the child who was overlooked or was put upon or was abused in the family, and recognizing that the child who was the favorite is not the bad one here. Give that child some grace too, and understand that there is a loss when you are not the favorite. Well, that's not a good place. That is a loss. And understanding that, I think, goes a long way. At the same time, you're easing them out and you're saying, Well, no, here you don't always get to choose first or here you don't always get to sit in the front seat first, but you will get will take turns, and you'll get to sit in the front seat when it's your turn, things like that, but not painting them as the just because they were the little prince or Prince. This before, that doesn't make them a bad kid. You know, we've been talking Deborah about the importance of keeping siblings together, but sometimes it's not a good idea to keep siblings together. Can you give us some examples where it's not in the children's best interest for the siblings to be kept together

Speaker 1  40:20  
when there's a safety issue, whether that's a physical safety, medical, emotional all children are different. Their needs are totally different. And it may be a situation that was based on why they came out of the birth family, that they may not be able to be together, but that is a decision that is made by a strong, strong professional team. It is not a decision that's made lightly. It is not a decision that's made quickly. As I said earlier, siblings don't get along often. They fuss, they fight, they get in trouble with each other. Just because that happens don't mean that they don't need to be placed together. It would be an issue where there is a safety concern for one or more of the children that you start to consider whether or not they need to be separated, and in most cases, it's after many conversations, many efforts put in place to ensure that both child can be safe in the same home, that that decision is made, it's tough, it's tough, but when making that decision, we've also found what are the other options? Is there another family that you can do close, shared parenting with? Is there another family that you can keep those connections, making sure that each family is committed to maintaining some type of sibling relationship, whether that's cars letters. Now, everything can be done virtually. They don't have to be in the same room in the same space with each other. There's so many options of keeping siblings connected to each other if they have to be physically separated in separate homes.

Dawn Davenport  42:05  
The decision is sometimes made, but it's it is a hard decision to make, and as you say, trying to at least maintain connections, even when the child can't one thing, I want to caution families who are thinking about adopting a sibling group, we don't see this often, but we do see this, and that is the family, for example, really wants a newborn. The newborn has a two year old sister, so adopting the sibling group because they really want to parent a newborn. And the problem with that is it that it's easy, then, to not be as committed to the ups and downs that will come when adopting the two year old, or it could be vice versa. We do see it with teens, where teens are adopted because there are younger children, but the parent's true desire is to be parenting the younger children, not the teen. Anything you can say to address that situation as well

Speaker 1  43:02  
be honest, make sure that the decision that you're making is in the best interest of each of the children. If you know that you want to adopt an infant and you're necessarily not wanting to be the parent of a toddler, please be honest and share that. It will not benefit you as a parent. It will not benefit the children. There will be losses there, as Don you said earlier, the commitment, the bonding, will not occur. And often, what we will see is that that that other child will end up disrupting out of that family and end up in another placement. There are so many options out there for parenting, and if an infant is the child that you want to parent, let's go for that goal. Let's see how we can reach that goal. But with siblings, you have to be committed to each one of the child children equally, and be committed to the challenges and the difficulties that parenting sibling groups may bring your way. And again, give yourself grace and give these children grace, because it will be a process. It is not for the faint of heart.

Dawn Davenport  44:19  
Before we continue. Let me thank the jockey being Family Foundation. Through their support, we are able to offer you 15 free courses. If you're long time listeners, you know that in the past, we've just had 12 courses that were free supported by jockey being family foundation, but now we have 15. They are a tremendous resource for families. I cannot recommend them enough. Check out the courses at Bitly slash JBf. Support, that's the i, t, dot, l, y slash j, b, f support. And now back to the TIPS section, where we're going to be talking about tips when you are considering or when you. You are adopting a sibling group, we always like to end with some tips, so let's give some tips for parents who are considering adopting or even fostering a sibling group. I'll start with one that you have talked about throughout and that is educate yourself before opening up your home to a sibling group. And by educate yourself, set realistic or have realistic expectations. So I will start with that one, because that's reiterating what you said throughout any other tips you would have for parents who are considering adopting a sibling group.

Speaker 1  45:36  
As I said earlier, what motivates you? What's your motivation? You know, what are you wanting? Be honest with yourself and with others around you as to what you want that will alleviate any possible disruption of siblings and maybe some of the difficulties that may be faced. Be patient. Be patient with children. Be patient with yourself. As I said, My My word is grace. We have to as a country, as individuals, give people grace,

Dawn Davenport  46:09  
including yourself, including yourself, yes, not always,

Speaker 1  46:13  
is it what it seems? You know, ensure that you have a strong, strong, supportive and solid support system. Know who you can go to, know who you can do those drive bys and drop off the kids. Beep, beep, I'm here. Here you go. I'll see you now. You know, make sure you have those support systems, because you will need them at times that you may never, ever understand when or why, and also self care is important. Think the major thing is self care. Sometimes we run off adrenaline and we wear ourselves out, and that shows in our parenting, that shows in our interaction with others, so making sure that we have healthy self care and know what triggers us as individuals, and that we can we can relieve some of that pressure and some of that anxiety. I'll

Dawn Davenport  47:10  
give you an example of that of a family who had adopted two children and already had four children, and for her, the thing that recharged her, that she really hadn't given much thought to, was going to the gym. That was her thing. It really was what she did. But she had to completely stop when the two new children came in, and she was totally wearing herself to a frazzle. And then was able to at some point identify what recharges me, what gives me joy? What do I look forward to? And they had to completely re shift their their whole day and how they were working. Her husband had to everything had to be shifted. But she started going to the gym, and that made a huge difference in her ability to cope. So that's an example of of self care.

Speaker 1  48:00  
Taking that 30 minutes a day to re, rejuvenate yourself, to reset, can make the world a difference.

Dawn Davenport  48:09  
It's not selfish to do that. It is actually selfless to do that. We've already talked about getting help, you said, set up your support system. Think through practical things ahead of time that would free up your time and get that in place. Another one, if you are married, ensure that your partnership and your marriage remains strong, because it really is the foundation of your family's health, and that's a challenge when both parents are under stress,

Speaker 1  48:37  
and also, if you're not married, making sure that you have adult conversation with someone, Amen, yes, you have relationships outside of your children.

Dawn Davenport  48:46  
Yes, exactly. Even if they're not your support system, they are your because we'd already talked about support system, but just making sure you have a book club, or if you're part of the choir or at church or whatever, keep up those activities and keep up your friendships. That's for everybody, but particularly for singles. Anything else that you'd like to add? I mean, we've talked about making individual time for the kids, and one thing I would throw out there is that when we say making individual time, I think that we need to be thinking out of the box. Individual time can be having one or maybe two children accompany you to the grocery store. It could be helping you load the dishwasher at night. That counts as individual time, because if you're focusing on the child and talking with the child, so it's not just a Okay, we have to have each child has a mommy date every day.

Speaker 1  49:38  
It could be as simple as putting the younger child to bed at seven and having 30 minutes to cuddle on the couch with the other child just watching a movie, or, you know, just talking, you know, so really simple things. You know, in most of our families right now, we stay on the go. It can just be sitting still, you know, for a moment, Yes,

Dawn Davenport  49:58  
amen. Okay, well. Deborah artist, thank you so much for talking with us today about adopting siblings and the issues that we need to consider. We truly appreciate your time and your expertise. Thank

Unknown Speaker  50:13  
you for having me. You