My Child Tells Others We Aren't Meeting Her Basic Needs - Weekend Wisdom

Question: I have a daughter who has dealt with trauma from consistent experiences of neglect and abandonment. While our home is loving and supportive, she continues to exhibit a victim mentality and has a hard time taking responsibility for her actions. She's a sweet girl, but she makes comments to others that insinuate she is not having her most basic needs met, which is simply not the case. How can we help her, and how should we be responding to her self-victimization? 

Resources:

• Creating a Family Online Facebook Support Group
• Helping a Child Heal from Trauma
• Self-Care for Foster Parents

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Welcome to this week's Weekend Wisdom. Weekend Wisdom is where we answer your
questions. So every week we take a question, one question, and answer it in about
five minutes. So do us a favor. Do yourself a favor. Send us your questions. You
can send them via email to info @creatingafamily .org or you can click on the link
in the show notes and send them that way as well. This is a question we receive
from Georgia. Hi, I have a daughter who has dealt with trauma from consistent
experiences of neglect and abandonment. While our home is loving and supportive, she
continues to exhibit a victim mentality and has a hard time taking responsibility for
her actions. She's a sweet girl, but she makes comments to others that insinuate she
is not having her most basic needs met, which is simply not the case. How can we
help her and How should we be responding to her self -victimization? Well, I decided
to outsource this. I went to creating a family's Facebook support group. It's a
great place. There are so many people there who, whatever the question is, we've
definitely got to been there, done that experience. So I'm going to rely on them
and then I will give some of my thoughts at the very end. This came from one of
our group. They said, I think that this parent should engage in purposeful self -care
that is self -nourishing. It is hard to live with and care for a child who is so
vocal in her belief that her basic needs are not being met. That kind of
conversation between a parent and child can tear at the fibers of a parent's heart.
I also think that this parent should surround her or himself with safe adults who
will support and encourage them that parenting is a long game. They can be lifted
up by friends and family who will remind them that they can and should stay the
course of consistently meeting their child's needs in a loving and therapeutic way.
What we do as parents and how our kids receive it aren't always on the same
wavelength. When our kids are hurting or wounded, they don't always understand the
value of our consistency, persistence, and repetition. I've heard it said that 90 %
of parenting is repetition. I'd wager it's higher for kids who have experienced
trauma that impacts their development of identity and worldview. When our kids feel
their needs are not being met, it's crucial to acknowledge to the child that we
hear them and then express curiosity about what might work better. Some kids can't
handle the intangible of those questions, so listening to what's under what they say
is a highly prized skill we must develop. If this parent can get a sense of what
this child perceives as an unmet need, they can brainstorm together what meeting that
need would look like in everyday life. This is an example. I don't think you care
about my friends. My friends are the most important people in my life. It can
become, "Hey, how's John doing this week?" You mentioned earlier that he was mad
about having to take the SATs again. Why do you need to know where I am every
second of the day? It can become, "Have a great day of work, Sarah. Please text me
if your plans after work change." Without checking in on Sarah while she's at work
and when they know she is leaving work, trusting their ability to manage those
transitions can be hard. But doing so, and starting small, will speak to their sense
that their needs have not been met well thus far and that the parent is trying.
Here's another comment. "As a counselor, I always encourage parents to be curious.
Ask open -ended questions. We want you to feel safe, loved, and cared for in our
home. Is there anything we are missing or could do better in those areas? I also
want to encourage parents to find time to connect with their kids and just delight
in who they are. Put aside that parenting hat for a while and just be with your
kids. Meet them where they're at and let them lead the time. Another comment. Does
she feel like her needs are being met? Sometimes we try our best, but they don't
feel it. In our case, a dog helped tremendously. She had always wanted one and
couldn't have one. For her, the dog meant that I was serious about keeping her and
paying attention to her needs. And here's another comment. Teaching self -advocacy is
key. We had this come up last night. My daughter is home from college, so our son
was given a choice of room with his brothers or have a temporary room to himself.
He chose the latter, which we tried to make as comfy as possible. Last night he
had a blow -up. One comment he made was that he was tired because the bed wasn't
comfortable. He said, "How could you not know? I said my back was hurting." We
explained that, "Well, you do martial arts and soccer, which could hurt your back.
How are we supposed to know if you don't tell us? We aren't mind readers. So I'm
hoping he's learning clear communication. And here are my thoughts. I was focusing
more on the fact that the child was telling others that their needs weren't being
met, their basic needs weren't being met. You know, it's embarrassing when a child
tells others that you aren't meeting their basic needs. I don't get enough food or
they won't buy me new clothes. You know, I think most adults realize that there's
probably more to the story when a child says they don't listen to me, but maybe
not when they talk about other more basic needs. And this is hard. I think that
taking all the steps that the folks in the group mentioned is crucial. But I would
want to address her assertion of not having her basic needs met head on. What do
you think is underlying her need to say these things? It's possible that she doesn't
see that her needs are being met. It's also possible that she enjoys the attention
that she gets when she says these things. And in the past, getting this attention
was probably what got her out of her bad situation. So it was a very good skill
to have. Unfortunately, that skill has outlived its usefulness. Maybe try having a
conversation something like this. Your teacher told me that you said, "We didn't feed
you at home and that you were always hungry." Are you always hungry? I bet it felt
good to get all of her attention when you talked about this. I can understand that,
but it didn't feel good to me when she asked if we were feeding you. It made me
feel like I was a bad parent. How can you get attention without telling untruths?
Something along those lines, and you will also need to work with the adults in the
situation where she is telling these stories to figure out what needs she has that
is not being met. And also, how could she get positive attention in those
situations? because the need for attention is real, and it's primal. We're not going
to get that out of her, nor should we. And let me point out that this dialogue
assumes that you believe that she is telling these stories to get attention. There
may be other reasons. She may really feel that she isn't getting enough food because
she isn't in control, making sure that she has the food. If that's the case, the
two of you could brainstorm how she could get more of a feeling of control, maybe
perhaps a special place in the pantry where she can store extra food that is only
hers that she can access whenever she needs it. So it feels to me like there's a
lot at stake here. You've got to figure out the reasons behind why she is saying
this, and it could be that she truly believes her need is not being met, but it
also could be that she is seeking the attention. I hope that helps. And before you
go, I want to remind everybody that creating a family has a Facebook support group.
I mentioned that I go to them. That's where I hang out online and I go there to
get recharged and also go there to get their input on to questions like this. You
can check it out at facebook .com /groups /creatingafamily.
Thanks for listening and I will see you next week.