Coping with Stillbirth After Adoption Match - Weekend Wisdom

Question: I've been an adoption social worker for almost seven years and just experienced my 2nd situation where the birth mother in a match had a stillbirth after selecting a family through our agency. Both situations were such a difficult loss for both parties. I'm curious if you've heard of others who experienced this unusually tragic type of loss during adoption. I'm not sure how common it is, especially given the rate of stillbirths is 1 in 175 births in the U.S. How can adoption professionals (on the adoptive parent AND birth parent side) best walk through such a situation with their clients? 

Resources:

• Creating a Family Online Support Group
• How can you deal with your feelings of grief after a stillbirth? (March of Dimes)
• Stillbirth: Surviving Emotionally (American Pregnancy Association)
• Find a Local Chapter - The Compassionate Friends

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Welcome to Weekend Wisdom by Creating a Family. Weekend Wisdom is the podcast where
we answer your questions in about five to ten minutes. So send us the questions you
want us to answer to info @creatingafamily .org. Without further ado,
we're going to jump right in to this week's question which is from Tina and it's
about coping with stillbirth after an adoption match. Tina writes, "I've been an
adoption social worker for almost seven years and just experienced my second situation
where the expected mom in a match, adoption match, had a stillbirth after selecting
a family through our agency. Both situations were such a difficult loss for both
parties. I'm curious if you have heard of others who have experienced this unusually
tragic type of loss within adoption. I'm not sure how common it is, especially given
the rate of stillbirths as one in 175 births in the U .S. How can adoption
professionals on both the adoptive parents and birth parents side best walk through
such a situation with their clients? Thanks in advance for at least considering
tackling this question. You're right. This is a unique and tragic loss for both the
mom and the prospective adoptive parents. Keep in mind that I am not a mental
health professional, but this type of loss falls under what's called ambiguous loss.
And I'm gonna talk about it from the standpoint of both the parents, the expected
mom, and the professionals. So when a pregnancy ends in stillbirth, everyone
recognizes the loss. Now, we have a ways to go with miscarriage, but with
stillbirth, There is a ritual set up to recognize and help families cope with their
loss. You know, there's the community coming together, grandparents flying in, meals
are being brought, friends circle around the greeting, parent or parents. At the
hospital, nurses are trained to help the parents cope. The baby is often held by
the parents, photos are taken, counselors or social workers visit the parents in the
hospital. There may be a funeral. All of these rituals help people cope with a
loss. With the ambiguous loss in this situation, the loss and the grief are just as
real, but we don't have the ritual set up to help us cope. So I'm going to start
with talking about what, from the mom's perspective, we can hope that she's receiving
the services that should be available for all moms who lose a baby through
stillbirth, but that might not be happening. Friends and family may or may not have
encircled her with support. Some may feel like she wasn't planning on parenting this
child, so that minimizes a loss in their eyes. And as misinformed and callous as
this thought is, some might even think that this is punishment for her, quote, not
wanting this baby. And even if they don't say it, they may be giving off the vibes
that they think it. And sadly, in her grief, the mom may also feel this on some
level. So how to help? One treat her as the grieving mother she is and advocate
for her at the hospital to receive the same type of grief counseling and support
services as other moms who have lost a baby and then continue to support her in
her grief preferably in person and provide her with places and resources for long
-term support like the March of Nimes. They have specific resources on child loss and
stillbirth. And the organizations like Compassionate Friends that some may even have a
local chapter near you that she could connect with. And there's a great article by
the American Pregnancy Association on stillbirth surviving emotionally that could be
provided to her. So for the adoptive parents, you know, in the eyes of many,
the baby wasn't theirs yet. But in their heart, they've already made room for this
little being. They've dreamed of a life with this child and all of these dreams and
all of this love for this child and yet to most of the world, this loss is
invisible. They weren't pregnant. The world doesn't know and the baby wasn't really
theirs. They also likely grieve for the mom who is suffering. To put it mildly,
this is a lot to deal with and people are not meant to carry grief alone. Most
need others to help them work through their feelings and move forward. You know,
family members, friends, social support groups, faith community, all of these are good
resources to help you work through your feelings. A couple of tips for adoptive
parents going through this and for the professionals working with them. One, name the
loss. This is a way to validate that indeed they have experienced a real and a
painful loss. One way to do this is to write down everything in your life that has
changed or will change due to the loss of this baby and nothing is too small to
include. Second point, don't compare your loss to the loss of the mom or to others
who have lost children. Acknowledge and honor that you have experienced a significant
loss that is worthy of recognition and grief. Third tip, create a ceremony or a
ritual. You could write a letter to the child telling them of all your hopes and
your dreams for your life together. Some people save the letter, others let the
letter go by burning it or burying it or tearing it up and scattering it to the
wind. You could also plant a tree in honor of this child or plant a bush or
something along those lines. Seek support. In order to receive support, you have to
let others know how you're feeling and that can feel scary because you may be
afraid of not being understood. So Let me suggest that one safe -placed event is the
Creating a Family online support group. There are people through adoption there,
adoptees, adoptive parents certainly, and birth parents, all of who have been touched
by adoption and will have some appreciation for the magnitude of your loss.
You can find that at facebook
creating a family. Tina, I hope that this has helped you both professionally, but
most important, I hope it helps the families that you're working with who have
experienced this. And before everyone leaves, let me remind you that creating a
family has an interactive training and support group curriculum for foster, adoptive
and kinship families. This is intended to make it as easy as possible to run a
high quality training or support group. There are 25 of these curriculum. Each one
is turnkey. It comes complete with a video, a facilitator guide, additional resource
sheet, a handout, and if you need it, a certificate of attendance. You may not need
that, but if you do, it's there. You can get more information about this at
parentsupportgroups .org. That's parentsupportgroups .org.
And thanks for listening to this week's Week in Wisdom. If you like it, please tell
a friend to subscribe to thecreatingoffamily .org podcast. And I will see you next
week.