Should We Move to Another Country and Leave Our Extended Family? - Weekend Wisdom

Question: My husband and I have two adopted twin boys who are 8 months old, and we've had them since birth. We've been on the fence for years about a big move outside of the country, but we're currently leaning towards leaving. My husband and, by extension, our kids have dual nationality with the country we'd go to. Thankfully, I'm also allowed to tag along.

We currently live near a large family and support network from both sides of the family and would be mostly on our own except for a few distant relatives after the move. We are also close and in frequent contact with our sons' birth family, but they don't live near us so that relationship has always been planned to be a mostly long-distance relationship.

We would plan on setting aside funds just for visiting our family and our birth family every one or two years, but ultimately all our children's family relationships will become long-distance. We worry about the move exacerbating feelings of abandonment or isolation from all sides of their family as they'd not only be raised in another culture but another language and continent. We all come from similar cultural backgrounds, so we aren't too worried about being able to keep them in touch with their birth culture. But we want to be sensitive to their particular needs as to how this could affect them as adoptees.

Is there any research on how adoptees are affected by being adopted into larger vs smaller families? Or adoptees who move abroad or are adopted into immigrant families? Or is there some advice to be gleaned from families adopting internationally that would apply to our situation?

Our children are our highest priority, and we want to set them up for success whether or not we move.

Resources:

• Open Adoption (Resource)
• Self-Care for Parents & Caregivers (Resource)
• Creating a Family Online Support Group (Facebook)

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Welcome to this week's Week in Wisdom. This podcast is our opportunity to answer
your questions. We have another podcast where we interview an expert or someone with
lived experience for about an hour. But this podcast is intended to be short and to
answer your specific questions. So please send us your questions to info
@creatingafamily .org or there's a link in the show notes you can use. All right,
let me jump right in. This is from Brandon. Hi Dawn, I'm a big fan of the podcast
and I always find it helpful and informative. My husband and I have two adopted
twin boys who are eight months old and we've had them since birth. I previously
wrote to you a few days before they were born and you answered on the podcast
about advice for traveling across the country with them. They're doing great by the
way and flew without a hitch. We've been on the fence for years about a big move
outside the country. We've been on the fence about whether or not to move for
years, but we're currently leaning towards leaving. My husband, and by extension our
kids, have dual nationality with the country we'd go to. Thankfully, I'm also allowed
to tag along. We were increasingly feeling unsafe as a gay couple with children
where we live, and would like to shield our boys as much as possible. We know
other gay couples who have already left the country for this reason as well. We
currently live near a large family and support network from both sides of the
family, and we'd be mostly on our own except for a few distant relatives after the
move. We are also close and in frequent contact with our son's birth family, but
they don't live near us, so that relationship has always been planned to be a
mostly long -distant relationship. We would plan on setting aside funds just for
visiting our family and our birth family every one or two years, but ultimately all
of our children's family relationships will become long -distance. We worry about the
move exacerbating feelings of abandonment or isolation from all sides of their family,
as they not only be raised in another culture, but another language incontinent. We
all come from similar cultural background, so we aren't too worried about being able
to keep them in touch with their birth culture. But we want to be sensitive to
their particular needs as to how this could affect them as adoptees. Is there any
research on how adoptees are affected by being adopted into larger versus smaller
families? Or adoptees who move abroad or are adopted into immigrant families?
Or maybe if there is some advice to be gleaned of the is adopting internationally
that would be applicable to our situation. Our children are our highest priority and
we want to set our children up for success whether or not we move. Well, Brandon,
I absolutely remember your other question because I had so much fun answering it.
Thank you for checking in and I'm so glad to know that your family is thriving. So
your first question about travel, I'm going to be honest, was a lot easier than
this one for me to answer. We specifically ask here about research on how moving
away from family, both extended adoptive family and birth family, impacts adoptees. I
don't know of any research that directly addresses this question. There is research
that shows that open adoption is better for adoptees, and open adoption could look
like many different things, but when possible, there are advantages to visiting
biological family in person and establishing relationships, and establishing
relationships requires some degree of frequency. As you mentioned, your kid's birth
family does not live nearby, but I would have to guess that it would be easier for
you to visit with them more often if you lived in the US. On the other hand, with
enough money and commitment, you could make it work. I would also add that I don't
know what your communications were with the birth family, but I throw it out there,
would they be accepting or understanding if you moved out of the country or would
they feel betrayed? That is something certainly worth considering. However, my greater
concern would be the separation from your large family and support network. You said
you have that from both sides of the family. You know, a supportive family is so
important to providing support for your family. They give your sons another caring or
other caring adults who are vested in them for life, you know, to interact with and
share interests with as they age. And they can also provide your boys with close
females to balance out having two dads. I don't really buy into that gender -based
difference in nurturing, but I do acknowledge that both boys and girls gain something
by being loved and nurtured by both males and females, as well as in the other
gender expressions. Your extended family can provide you and your husband with a
safety net, safe when one of the boys has the flu and is home from school for a
week, or when you two desperately need a date night or a date week, or when the
ballet is coming to town and neither of you can stomach the idea of sitting for
two hours and watching, but your son loves ballet. I so believe in the importance
of a village and helping to raise kids. And it sounds like you and your husband
have been really lucky to have such a village. And I can tell you for certain that
this village becomes more and more important as your children age. Now, I'm not a
member of the LGBTQ + community, so I can't really know the fear you are feeling.
So in some ways, I'm really not qualified to provide an answer. I also don't know
how important it is for your husband to move to this country, which sounds like
it's a country of his birth or at least his heritage. Or if living in this country
has always been a lifelong dream of his. And all of these factors are important in
making this decision. My only advice would be to not discount the value of what you
have in this extended family support network. And I wish you the absolute best of
luck in making this decision. And for everyone else, before you go, let me remind
you that creating a family has a prenatal exposure to alcohol and drugs training for
parents. It is a terrific resource with lots of practical tips depending on the
behaviors you're seeing and the age of the child. It's four and a half hours of
training and you can get more information at bit .ly /prenatal -exposure -training.
That's www .ly /prenatal -exposure -training.
Thanks for joining us and I will see you next week.