What Foster Care Alumni Want You to Know

Join our panel of four former foster youth to learn what they wished foster parents and others knew about being in foster care.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Tell us the story of your involvement with foster care and the child welfare system.
• What was something that your foster parent(s) did that helped you cope?
• What did your foster parents do that made things harder for you?
• What are some of the myths that you hear about kids in foster care?
• If listeners are considering becoming foster parents, what should they consider to help them decide if they are the right fit to be foster parents?

Resources:

• The Faces of Foster Care Volume 1, 2, and 3 

Resources - Dave Armstrong

• Why Me My Fight For Life (Book)
• From Gangs To Greece (Book)
• www.SenseiDave.com (Speaking page)
• www.upna.net (Coaching/Mentoring)

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.
Welcome everyone to Creating a Family. Talk about foster, adoptive, and kinship care.
I'm Dawn Davenport. I am the host of this show and the director of the non -profit,
Creating a Family dot org. Today's show is going to be about what foster care
alumni want us to know. Needless to say, they are the true experts on what being
in foster care is like. We will be talking today with Dave Armstrong, Shalina Tate,
Dr. K. Kaiser, and Dr. Sarah Dyson, all are foster care alum.
I thought it would be best if we start by letting each of you tell your story of
your involvement with foster care and the child welfare system. Dave, let's begin
with you. How did you become a foster care alum?
Well, I was actually in the juvenile justice system before the foster care system.
So I'm one of the rarities that were dual -headed as a kid, so to speak. And so
my first arrest was when I was 11 1 /2 years old for felony arm robbery. So that
kind of paints a picture of the environment that I grew up in. My mom was never
around really. She was usually drunk and high. My stepfather was always abusing her
and myself. And so joining a gang, running the streets was just an escape for me.
And so I got picked up when I was 11 and a half years old, sentenced to two
years at a boys' camp. And while I was at my mom was my only family member other
than my stepfather, who obviously I wasn't going to go to because he was abusive.
So after the two years began my journey in the foster care system, where I was
just shuffled from one home to another. I was very defiant. I was very abusive.
I was physically and verbally just a torture to everyone around me.
And of course I would be. I hated everyone. I hated life. I hated God. I hated
the universe for doing this to me. And you look around and you see other people
with what you call normal lives. And you go, well, why me? Why am I the chosen
one that has to have this type of life? I didn't want to join a gang. I didn't
want to be homeless. I didn't want any of this. But guess what? You're thrusted
into that. And so that was kind of the beginning of,
you know, group home, foster home, juvenile detention, that cycle, a lot of our
youth suffer even to this day. That's true. Yeah. Okay. Thank you.
Dr. Kaiser, I've asked your permission to call you Kay on this. So, Kay, can you
tell us what is your involvement with foster care of the child welfare system? I
was born into the foster care system. My mother had, she was attending school,
learned that she was pregnant, had three older siblings, sisters. And in the 1960s,
the early 60s, that was not, I'll just call it a no -no for mothers to be pregnant
and not be married and so they gave her advice to place me for adoption and so
she went and stayed at like a mother's home where she would stay there until she
gave birth and then I was automatically just handed over to the Michigan Department
of social services and grew up in that system until I was 18 years old.
>> So you were never adopted even as an infant? >> I learned after I came back
from the military that I was adopted. Nobody ever told me. It was a secret.
I learned accidentally through someone that shared the information with me that
apparently was supposed to hold on to it. - So you did, just to make sure I'm
clear here, that you grew up in changing foster homes or were you placed with one
family and stayed with them for the entire time? - I changed foster homes. - Okay.
- Yeah, so I moved quite often. - Okay, gotcha. So at some point you were adopted,
so you stayed with that family or did you continue to move? - Yes, ma 'am, I stayed
with that family until I graduated from high school and then I joined the military.
Okay. Sarah, Dr. Dyson, I've gotten your permission to call you, Sarah. What is your
involvement? What was your involvement with the foster care system? Yeah, I would be
curious if Dr. Kaiser also shares this really strong dual perspective of her
experience. I was in and out of the system probably from age four to 17 when I
just left. I was, I come from a long line of generational poverty and generational
abuse. I've never met my mother. She was, you know, out of the picture immediately
after I was born. And my father, I believe suffered from some learning disabilities
and, you and some issues with his cognitive functioning. And so I had a very
abusive step mom. I was often removed due to severe physical abuse or neglect.
We were often homeless. It was very difficult for my father to keep a job. He
couldn't read or write very well. He didn't graduate high school. And so I mostly
bounced back and forth between a kinship placement and reunification or a foster
placement and reunification with an incredibly high degree of mobility.
I was just in and out all the time. I think for me I can't and most of us
probably don't look back on those experiences with like positive feelings. You know
some of some of my worst days were the ones where the social workers would come in
And then they would leave without me. And then, you know, on the other hand of it,
they would drop me off with various strange family members I've never met or,
you know, complete strangers I've never met. And so, you know, while technically
safer, not a whole lot better from, you know, an emotional standpoint as a kid. And
now this is what I research, right, for a living. So I'm deeply invested, you know,
when exploring child welfare issues. So I carry with me the systems level researcher
lens. And I think maybe that's why I do what I do to try to understand my own
experience and how could those things happen to me and to the people sitting here
with us today and to children today, tomorrow and in the future. I never imagined
that I would be in this position. So - It's been a really tough experience for
sure. - All right, Shalina Tate will round it out with you and then we'll go into
some other questions. So what was your experience? How did you come to be involved
with the foster care and the child welfare system? - Yes, and hello everyone. Thank
you for having us as well. I'm Ston. It's good to see Dr. Pinscher and Dave
Armstrong. I know both of them. Sarah, thank Rich and Age Generational, that's
another video. For me, I basically was removed by age three from my situation where
both my parents lost their parental rights. Growing up later on in my research, my
mom was classified as schizophrenic. My father was, they called it normal in the 80s
to be 25 and she's 16, I don't know, but it was a lot of that and I was removed
for Nicolette. But much like my fellow colleagues here, I've experienced my own
trauma, different forms of abuses and just neglect, which if as we go through the
foster care system and then Dr. Kay, she went through adoption and not knowing about
that, that could be very traumatic as you get older. But as I've progressed into
adulthood, I wanted to, Sarah, you know, and Dave and Dr.
Kaiser find out the why. And to put a twist on it, you always hear the negative
and the you can't achieve and what you can't become because you come from these
situations. And I started asking leadership and people around me, well, what's the
achievement? Where's the achievement storylines? And so long story short, that's how I
delve into my podcast, foster my stories. It wants to tell those achievements side
and help us find healing. I know that Kaiser through her writings, her anthologies
want to help others like myself find healing. I'm also one of her authors, Dave
Armstrong, he's a coach. And so we bring him all of our resources and knowledge
together from our experiences to help those that still going through and those that
have gone through. Yeah. Let me mention that in the show notes, we will be linking
to the anthologies that you just mentioned. The faces of foster care, this is Dr.
Kaiser's work, and she's got a number of volumes, one, two, and three, and we will
be linking to that. Also, I'll mention that at the end again. Let me take a moment
to remind you that we need your questions for our Weekend Wisdom Podcast. That is a
short form, usually around five to 10 minutes where we answer one of your questions.
So please send us your questions to info @creatingafamily .org and then listen to the
Week in Wisdom podcast to hear our answers. It's a really fun podcast and it's
short, so check it out. And now back to the show. All right, what I'd like to do
now is talk about, because our audience is primarily going to be foster parents or
adoptive parents or kinship parents. And so I want to start with something that your
foster parent or parents did that helped you cope, something that was good,
that was helpful to you in this experience. Okay, I'll let you start.
Tell us something good, and then we could come back around if you've got a number
of things. We'll start with one and kind of move through the panel. Creating
friendships, the friendships that I had, you know, making sure that they stayed in
place. Frenches with other foster parents or with foster siblings or friendships in
the foster care system in what way? I would say primarily just like my high school
friends, making sure that I would stay connected to them. So your foster parents
helped you stay connected to your high school friends or friends that you had made
when you made changes in placements. That is great. Honoring the importance of
friendships. Yes. Yeah, that makes great sense. Sarah, what about you? What was
something positive that your foster parents or kinship parents that you had both
placements that helped you cope? I think For me, I had one amazing foster family
that I got to spend I think about two years with. And I still consider them my
family today above anyone else. And I think the number one thing that they did for
me is that they exposed me to a different way of living. Everything that they did
was so different than my family of origin did or even in a lot of my kinship
placements, 'cause again, there's very much a generational, there were a lot of
shared commonalities. - Generational trauma is real, right? - Yes, absolutely.
So just showing me that there's a different way to live life, I was able to
observe them and how they interacted. They valued things like education and autonomy
and empathy. They gave me this roadmap to living a different life.
I'll share an example. I changed high schools four times in four years. - Oh, man.
- My father couldn't for the life of him understand why I wanted to finish high
school. He was like, you need to drop out, you need to get a GED, you need to go
start working. That's just what my family of origin did. Education really wasn't
something that they valued and it really was very much the opposite, I think, often.
And so my foster family didn't even have to tell me, hey, that's not a great idea.
You should finish high school. You know, they were there to help me with my
homework. They were there to talk to my teachers. They were there to make those
connections. I saw them support their two older children going to college and making
sure that they were on track to do what they needed to do. And so I think I
really quickly made a lot of connections. So I would say to foster parents, you
know, these kids in your home and I'll speak for myself, but I think it's generally
shared are such amazing observers and we have to be. We are constantly scanning our
environment. Our very survival depended on our ability to read a room and predict
behaviors quite often, right? So they are sponges and they are taking it every tiny
thing in you do. So even the smallest acts that you can make are really going to
have a big impact. Beautifully said. Okay, Shalina, you share your experience or
something positive that happened. Sure. Thank you, Sarah. She said a lot that I
couldn't relate to as well. My very last foster home. She's no longer with us,
but a dynamic family as a unit, they basically showed me what it meant to be a
family, like a real family, meaning they included not just myself,
but my other foster siblings and really anybody from the neighborhood to really have
a sense of belonging. So I would say for perspective foster parents that's watching
the importance of meeting your foster youth right where they are. I hear so many
people say they want the babies but they don't remember that the babies come with
their own forms of trauma and a lot of people say they don't want the teenagers
because they're too difficult but they need loving homes as well and for people to
meet them right where they are so I would just say just day by day bit by bit
trying to meet your youth right where they are also really getting a grasp of what
they're coming in with, the traumas they're coming in with, because that's going to
help shape how you help provide for them, especially if you have your own kids.
The biggest thing I could say is a form of trauma is getting the kids and making
them feel as if they're completely separated from your biological kids.
If you find ways to include them, I was on my very last foster home, I was,
um, I got a chance to go on my very first cruise. I got to go on family reunions
and that's rare in foster care. A lot of times you're put in a respite care
provider or a shelf somewhere. So the biggest thing is making them feel like they
belong bit by bit, day by day. That's it. Words of wisdom. Uh,
yeah. Dave, what about you? What was something positive that either one of your
group homes or a foster home did that help to you cope?
So, yeah, Don, I've been a motivational speaker, so I go to different non -profits
that are involved with youth that are involved with justice in the justice system
and as well as youth that are in foster care and I always say you are the one.
And what that means is any caring adult that is working with a youth that is
experiencing foster care or is in juvenile detention or in a group home or a boys
camp can be the catalyst to change within that one person.
Can be the one that sparks something. And I was fortunate enough to have two of
the ones. My CASA, my court -appointed special advocate, Ron Barnick. And then,
since Otto Johnson, my martial arts instructor, who happened to be a therapist at
one of the group homes that I was at. And they both sparked a 24 -year career in
the Air Force that Ron was a pilot in, my CASA. And then sparked three martial
arts schools and thousands of youth and adults mentored and taught by me because of
Sensei Otto Johnson. And so what they both did, and this is for every caring adult
out there working with youth in any capacity, you have to show that you care.
You have to really understand and try to empathize. And it's very difficult sometimes
because - Thank God, there's not a lot of people that have been in our situation.
There's not a lot of kids. There's 400 ,000 in the United States, but compared to
the millions of kids in the United States, that's not a lot, which is good. That's
what we want. We want people, children, youth, to be brought up in a good
environment, right? And so those that are working with the youths that are displaced,
that are in group homes, foster homes, juvenile detention centers. Understand that you
are the one. You can be the catalyst. And Ron, all he did was show me trinkets
from around the world, stuff that he collected on his trips as a pilot in the Air
Force. He brought me over to his house when Casas were allowed to do that back
then and showed me stuff on his, you know, I love me wall like I have behind me
now. And I bring some of this stuff to my speeches to just emphasize the fact that
you have no no idea what the one thing is that's going to spark everlasting change
and in my case not just change within myself but the thousands and I don't most
fully say that of people that I've been able to impact so I'll end with you are
the one Did you know that creating a family has a interactive training or support
group curriculum? It could be used either way for foster, adoptive and kinship
families. It is a really terrific resource. Each of the curriculum is separate.
We have 25 in the library. They are turnkey. You take them off the shelf and have
everything you need to run a high quality training or group. It's Video -based and
interactive comes with a video, a facilitator guide, a handout, if you need a
certificate of completion, not everybody does, but if you need that for a training,
you have that too. So, check it out at parentsupportgroups .org,
that's parentsupportgroups .org. Thanks for listening to me, and now back to the
interview.
The one side is the positive, and I wanted to start there because I think that
there are so many wonderful foster parents who are doing good things. But what did
your foster parents do that made things harder for you? Sarah, let's start with you.
And with you, I will also include kinship. So foster or kinship parents. Absolutely.
I think for me, often it was that some really lacked knowledge around adverse
childhood events and the impacts of trauma on children, you know, both our mental
health and our physical bodies, you know, I had an aces score of eight before I
even turned eight years old. And I'm not sure that all of my placements knew that
they were taking in a young child who suffered from complex post -traumatic stress
disorder, you know, and I think there was a lot of the lack of empathy and
willingness from my perspective to truly understand why I might be displaying or
externalizing all of these behaviors or, you know, why I might be so anxious,
withdrawn, or, you know, just overall very distrusting of others.
And so, you know, for me, I've accepted that I'm going to carry the weight of that
my whole life, right? And I'm okay with that. And I even celebrate some of my own
resilience in that. But I do wonder, you know, maybe I wouldn't be sitting here
with quite so many of my laundry list of issues, you know, well into my 40s,
if there had been more education and training around ACEs and trauma -informed
approaches, really pointing at that early intervention around some of my medical,
mental, and educational needs. Mm -hmm. Yeah, the understanding that behaviors are
often a symptom, very often a symptom, and that the real finding out the root cause
rather than dressing the behavior is in an effective way. Kay, what about you? What
is something that you would wish that your foster parents had done differently?
I would say discipline rather than punishment.
I encountered severity when it came to punishment,
like being incarcerated in my bedroom every day after school,
after I did all the chores. I would also say food choices, being forced to eat,
clean off a plate, eat everything. You didn't even want to eat it, but I have
grandchildren now and I don't make anybody eat anything that they don't want to eat.
Not being included, foster children, having to go and sit somewhere else instead of
being included with the family. Like you sit there and enjoy your food while we sit
here and we enjoy our meal with our family. - Our together time and you are not
us, so you sit separately. - Certainly, Shalina also talked about.
but I've had a few that basically dove into the,
you're clearly the outsider. And if you're treated that way by the foster parents,
then it stands to the family and then it will stand to church and then it stands
to school. So much like what Dr. Kaiser would say is my trauma extended that way
where like Dr. Like Dr. Cavusay, when family comes over for the holidays, you're
seen as a prize, but when it's time to eat and participate, you go sit over there.
You're clearly separated. If we're at church, you know, you're clearly the foster
child. It's never you're the daughter. And so I think what I would like to say to
prospective foster parents, and I said it earlier, just finding a way to meet your
youth right where they are, because that clear separation to them,
whether understood or not, adds to trauma that they're already coming in with. And
so it's much like Dr. Kaiser's nonprofit organization, Case Carry On. Through the
foster care system, we were given trash bags to put our stuff in. But she has this
wonderful service that basically meets foster youths aging out and transitioning with
luggage and the luggage replaces the trash bags to help bring back dignity, to not
feel like you're below trash and that goes back to what she was saying and we were
saying about feeling included, not feeling like you're an outsider. It feels like you
have worth even. Dave, what about you? What is something that if you could go back
and talk to a former foster parent or group home staff that you would want them to
know that they could have done different. - Yeah, you know, something that
unfortunately, I still remember is more than one caring adult looking at me and
saying that I'll be dead or in prison before I'm 18.
You'll be dead or in prison before you're 18. And this was true,
but our words matter, right? What we say to our youth matter and you're fulfilling
a destiny for this person when you're saying that. - And would that be the case,
even if they say it in context of saying, you'll be dead or in jail before you
turn 18, if, unless you, because I suspect they would have the unless, but I'm
guessing that that's not particularly helpful. Yeah, I mean, think about how that
resonates with, with you, if I say Don, you know, I don't think you're really worth
a lot. And I mean, maybe if, if you change some of your behavior, you'll, or all
of your behavior, change everything you're doing. Yeah, maybe, maybe, maybe, but you
know, I don't think you're, you know, you're not this podcast thing. I just don't
think, you know, with that microphone and that background, I just don't think it's
going to ever really be successful. Well, I mean, how impactful is that to you as
an adult? So imagine a developing team, you know, saying things like that.
So I don't think that that many were ill intended, but it it matter if you're ill
intended or not. I'll share a very brief story that I have in my book. I have an
autobiography out there. What's the title? Go ahead, give us a title before. I
didn't know that. I have two of them from gang's degrees and why me my fight for
life. Okay. And I share this story in both of the books. And so there's a young
man, a kid, and he's always wanted a pet turtle and on the way to school one day
he finds a turtle and he says oh my gosh I have a turtle I'm gonna I'm gonna
take this turtle and I'm gonna take him home so he runs he runs to the house and
he puts the turtle in the bedroom and he closes the door and he says okay I I'm
so excited I can't wait oh wait wait before I leave I gotta feed the turtle so he
goes into the refrigerator he grabs a piece of meat and he gets some water and he
gives the turtle meat and the water and he closes the bedroom door and he says
okay the turtle's secure my room I'm gonna go to school and he runs the school and
he's so excited he can't think of anything else anything else during the school day
except getting home and playing with his pet turtle and so he runs straight after
school back home and he sees his turtle there and he's like yes I got a pet
turtle and he plays with the turtle and he's building obstacle courses for the
turtle and boy he just has a fantastic time with his turtle. So the next day same
thing he gets up he says okay let me feed my turtle, he goes grab a piece of
salami, grabs some water, okay runs to school, comes back, he plays with the turtle
again, obstacle course, all this stuff and he's just still elated that he has a pet
turtle. Well, day three, same thing, day four, same thing. He's just so happy.
Well, day five comes and he runs to school after feeding the turtle. He's still
thinking about like, "Gosh, I'm gonna teach my turtle a trick, how to roll over."
No, I'm kidding. So he gets home from school, he goes into his bedroom and the
turtle's dead.
And he goes, "What in in the world happened, how did my, and he can't figure out
what happened to the turtle. And he goes to mom, he says, mom, I had the pet
turtle. I was feeding the pet turtle every day. I was taking care of him. And then
he's dead. I don't know what happened. And mom goes into the room and she's like,
well, there's no signs of anything that happened to him. Well, let's go through your
day. What were you doing with the turtle? And I, well, like, you know, I created
this obstacle course. Well, you know, was he okay? Did he fall? No, everything was
fine. And then, you know, I go to school, I give him some water, I give him a
piece of salami, and then I close my door so he can't get out. And mom says, wait
a minute, turtles don't eat me. He died of starvation.
And he's like, oh, my goodness. Now, why do I tell that story? A lot of us are
feeding the youth that we're trying to help the wrong thing. A lot of us don't
understand that we have to meet our kids where they are. We have to be there for
them. We can't take our experiences as a child, our experiences,
even if we're somebody that was in the foster care system and apply them 100 % to
each kid that we're working with, each youth that we're trying to impact. So
understanding that you have to feed the kids, the youth, the right thing for them.
If that turtle was a rabbit or a mouse or some other animal,
it might have been okay.
- Exactly. And it goes back to what Sarah was saying, understanding that often what
you see is a result of behaviors that may have served them well in their previous
life and protections that they have built up. And you've got to know that and
recognize that. So, Charlene, if you could go back to a foster parent that was
either one of the good ones are more likely perhaps one of the ones that could
have been better. What would you say to them if you could, now as the adult,
Shalina? - I would say to the that I feel could have done better.
Now as an adult and a growing adult, I now understand that you were doing the best
with what you thought was the best. And at the time, as a youth, I couldn't see
that. Whether it was right, whether it was wrong, I've grown up and I'm growing up
to be on the healing journey, which is another thing that I feel with foster
parents, with respect to foster parents, you have to understand and take time when
they're taking time with the youth they're dealing with to know that it's a healing
process coming from trauma, going through trauma, revisiting trauma.
For example, much of us, Dave is one of the authors as well for Dr. Kiser's Faces
of Foster Care, and much like our writings, we tend to rehash stuff that's like
from the past and what we've been through, but I know of late, we've been on a
moral focus of let's find ways to teach somebody something or help them progress
forward. Or, Yes, this happened here, but how are we growing with it?
How are we finding purpose in it? How are we killing in it? And so they've come
done better. I can now say that it was necessary. My journey with you was necessary
because it added to my progression. - Interesting. - And then the same thing for the
group that I felt did phenomenal. Same seeing my season with that group,
also it was necessary because it creates what I like to call your perseverance
creates your story. So it created chapters in my life's book that I'm carrying forth
to then help those that's beside us around us in front of us. So always necessary,
always necessary. And I've learned a lot, and I'm going through a lot.
- So Sarah, what are some of the myths of foster care for children?
- So that's a good one. I think about that quite often in my work. And I think
people assume like we're just so broken, we can barely function, right? That we are
gonna come into your home and just turn it upside down with all of these bad
behaviors that we have. We're a child, but we're also this package of damaged goods
sent to your doorstep. That's the one that I can't help but to wear my research
hat there. Research tells us, we know that there's evidence that says that a belief
in some version of that myth, we've heard that said 800 different ways,
not only does that discourage potential foster parent recruitment, but it impacts
retention as well because, you know, perceived bad behaviors, right? In my work at
BASIS, you know, we're working with counties and I think one of the things that
we're trying to do is equip our counties for their foster parent recruitment with
the evidence to refute some of these this and to support foster parents in this
exact area, Shalina I think you're so much more mature than I am because for me
it's like hey knowing is half the battle and now it's time to do something about
it like do better like we we are equipped with what we need we just need to move
forward. Yeah I think Shalina may be more evolved than me as well that the
forgiveness there was impressive. No let me let - Oh, let me say this, all of what
y 'all said has been necessary because it adds to your story. No one up here so
greater is just that we've all had different experiences. And as of now, I could
say now I'm dealing with it. Now I'm trying to see killing in it. But it hasn't
been easy for me as well. Like there's been years where I would have cycles of
stuff. And now that I'm facing that stuff, I can then progress in my healing
journey. So I appreciate everybody, but no, I'm like you on a path.
Yeah, we'll take you off of our pedestal. Okay.
Dave, what about you? What's a myth about kids in foster care that you would like
to dispel? Wow. I mean, I'll kind of piggyback off of Sarah a little bit and say
that everyone's one's not broken. There are some youth that are fine, that are,
you know, probably struggling a little bit with the feeling of rejection because
they're in the foster care system somehow some way. But, but everyone's not a kid
like me that, you know, will come in and break windows and punch walls and beat
your, your biological kids up and stuff. I mean, everyone's not violent. Everyone's
not so damaged that they can't be fixed. But to caveat that a little bit,
no matter how how damaged they are, how traumatized they are, how hurt they are,
they can be helped. I mean, I've seen some, I've seen some horror stories,
you know, working with youth in the foster care system. You know, One young man
comes to mind where I won't go into too much detail, but he was removed from the
home because he was being sexually molested by his parents, one of his parents.
Only to be placed into a foster home that he was being sexually molested by both
of the foster parents and recorded. These things happen. And you know what?
This kid is doing great. We still keep in contact after 20 years and he's had
plenty of therapy, plenty of mentoring, plenty of good adults in his life,
but he's an EMT, he's training other EMTs right now.
So I'm really proud of him. But yeah, I mean, there's some pretty bad situations
sometimes they end up they're not they're not so destroyed that they can't be
helped. Goes back to your saying all they need is the one one caring adult.
My signature speech.
Right we weren't broken we were just traumatized I love that you said that it's not
bad behavior it's trauma. Yeah behavior is should be viewed as a symptom and when
you view it as a symptom, it shifts the way you approach the behavior, which as
Dr. Kaiser was saying, or Kay was saying, is that punishment versus discipline. The
heart of discipline is to see the root cause and to instruct the heart of
punishment is punishment. Kay, what myths would you like to dispel about children and
youth in foster care? I'm going to say teenagers that they still need love and that
a lot of foster parents don't want to bring them into their home because someone
has probably created a picture that they're not easily to care for or to parents.
And so those children just being, I would say in a sense discarded or they're like
way down on the list, like, no, I don't want to bring those children into my home.
So that feeling of rejection, to me, that's just so unfair, you know,
not even giving a child a chance. I know of children right now, actually adults,
but they're like 17 and 18 years old, and they still want to be adopted. Yeah, I'm
so glad you raised that I think that our society in general, regardless of whether
a youth is in foster care. We have such, talk about myths, we have such a negative
myth associated with adolescence. And, you know, adolescence are troubled. They are
going to be a pain in the rear. They're going to challenge us at every turn. Oh
my gosh, just wait 'til their teens, that type of mentality. But then you add on
to that, the fact that the kid is in foster care. And you're right, so many people
are afraid to foster teens. And I love what you say, these kids want and need love
just like any other child, if not more. Even in somewhat adoption, but some just
want permanency, just a safe understanding place. - Yes, and I wanted to share
something too about when I teach, I've noticed that when students come into the
classroom, there's always a class clown. But to be able to turn that class clown
around and to put them on the straight path, once that student,
and most of the time when they behave like that, I can figure out something's going
on at home or maybe they are in foster care. But all I do is I just say, well,
will you be my teacher's helper for the day? All of a sudden, the class clown,
Clown, no longer Class Clown. Yeah, that's because he's a helper. Because it's like,
okay, and then I tell them that I'm going to leave a good note for them, for
their teacher, to let them know that you will help me today. Yeah. Yes.
For this kid, it may be one of the few good notes he ever gets. Let me interrupt
this interview one more time to tell you, or to thank, actually, the Jockey Bean
Family Foundation for their support for this podcast and for their support for our
free online courses. The courses are terrific. They are one hour. They're
asynchronous. You take them online by yourself. They come with a certificate of
completion if you need that. And they're really focused on parenting. So check out
these courses at bit .ly /jbfsupport. That's www .bit .ly /jbfsupport.
So I would like to end by assuming that our listeners are people who may be
considering being foster parents. What should they consider to help them decide if
they are the right fit to be foster parent? What do they need to look inward to
themselves to say, "Is this something that I can do. Shalina, take us off. Two
things. I believe if the youth is not in a place to talk for themselves,
then really getting with their guardian at light on their social worker and really
sitting down to really understand the dynamics and assessing with your family and
individually how you can be the best fit for that youth. If the youth is of age
and of course, present with the social worker and our cost of representative,
potentially doing an interview, allowed the youth to ask their questions and have a
friendly sit down and interview each other. The reason why I'm saying that is
because, once again, my very last foster home, when I came in there, I already had
walls up 'cause of whatever I just came from. And already in my I was defeated
thinking, oh, she's going to think all this crazy stuff about me, this negative
stuff, because this is where I just came from, and it was none of that. She looked
me in my eye. She told me to walk around the house to see if that's somewhere I
wanted to stay. And she said to me, quote, whatever you've done is in the past.
And if you choose to stay here, that's in the past. And that started my journey
You diving into school, finding achievement, going to college, finding achievement in
others. So many of you said y 'all had like a, when we was going through the
rounds of what positive, that was my positive, like the speaking life, the words
that we use, speaking life with someone. I like how Dr. Kodra says the class clown,
she basically finds a way to utilize them in a positive way, because then that
allows them to then say, hey, I'm, you know, I'm not at the now because I'm one
attention. Somebody's actually paid attention. And now I'm having a good report. So
yeah, Sarah, if you could speak to what you are speaking to potential foster
parents, what do they need to look inward and saying, what do I need to bring to
this table to know that I can be the best foster parent for any children coming
into my home. - I'm glad you said that. That was like my number one note is self
-reflection. So, you know, I would say to them, spend some time in self -reflection
thinking about, you know, what are my motivations? What do I hope to achieve out of
this experience? And am I willing to put in the work? And it does take work,
right? To create a trauma -informed home and environment. And think about,
do I want to build lifelong relationships? And can I adjust to the ebb and the
flow of that relationship? Because there is a lot of uncertainty from the foster
parent's perspective. And I would also say that I think, while those things sound
heavy, they're very worthwhile. You have to spend the time thinking about that. But
also, on the other hand, know that parenting, no matter the circumstance requires
resilience. I have a 15 year old who has experienced zero trauma so far on this
planet and I promise you, she gives me a run for my money on the daily. Like no
matter what, as parents, we need to build resiliency and that's the best part.
It's a skill that we can help each other learn. It's something that we can develop
over our lifetime. And I would say, you know, if you've ever thought of fostering,
I really hope that you will. We all have a part to play in this system. We share
this community around us and with that comes a responsibility to support our most
vulnerable members. And then also I would put in a plug, if you feel like fostering
is not for you for whatever reason, I encourage you to accept that. I wouldn't want
someone to go into it not fully prepared, but think about other ways that you can
help. How can you support a foster family in your community? Could you maybe be
someone to provide extra mentorship or guidance to a foster child in your community?
There is space for everyone in the field of child welfare. On that note,
which was a wonderful summation, Thank you so much, Shalina Tate, Dr. K.
Kaiser, Dave Armstrong, and Dr. Sarah Dyson for being with us today. I so appreciate
your wisdom. I truly do, and I hope that this reaches a lot of would -be foster
parents as well as encouraging those who are currently foster parents. Thank you all
so much for your time with us today. I truly appreciate [MUSIC]