Should We Adopt Again? - Weekend Wisdom

Question: My husband and I adopted our now seven-year-old son from South Africa two years ago. He is the best. We cannot believe how lucky we are to have this joyful little boy in our family, and we owe much of our success to what we've learned from your show and resources, so thank you. Although our son feels pretty easy compared to some of the challenges we hear about, he still requires a lot. A lot of time, patience, energy, school appointments, doctor's appointments, therapy appointments, etc. In any case, we are now considering whether to embark on a second adoption of an older child three to six years old from South Africa. While I see a lot of resources for preparing siblings and managing birth order disruptions, which is not the case for us, we are wondering what parents of adopted kids should consider when deciding whether to adopt another child. For example, is it better for our son to have all of the resources, meaning time, patience, energy, et cetera, and stability we can provide an only child given his needs and the fact that he was adopted later? Should we expect more of the same with a second child or are there different challenges to raising new siblings who both have trauma? What should we be aware of or thinking about when making this decision?

Resources:

• Sibling Relationships
• Parenting Adopted Children
• Self-Care for Parents and Caregivers

Transcript

Please pardon any errors this is an automated transcript.
Welcome to this week's Week in Wisdom. This is where we answer your questions.
So send us your questions. You can send them to info @creatingathamily .org or in the
show notes, there should be a link there as well. Now, jumping right in, this
week's question comes from Sadie. She says, "My husband and I adopted our now seven
-year -old son from South Africa two years ago. He is the best. We cannot believe
how lucky we are to have this joyful little boy in our family, and we owe much of
our success to what we've learned from your show and resources. So, thank you.
Although our son feels pretty easy compared to some of the challenges we hear about,
he still requires a lot. A lot of time, patience, energy, school appointments,
doctor's appointments, therapy appointments, etc. In any case, we are now considering
whether to embark on a second adoption of an older child three to six years old
from South Africa. While I see a lot of resources for preparing siblings and
managing birth order disruptions, which is not a case for us, we are wondering what
parents of adopted kids should consider when deciding whether to adopt another child.
For example, is it better for our son to have all of the resources, meaning time,
patience, energy, et cetera, and stability we can provide an only child given his
needs and the fact that he was adopted later. Should we expect basically more of
the same with a second child or are there different challenges to raising new
siblings who both have trauma? What should we be aware of or thinking about when
making this decision? We would love to And we can wisdom on this topic with more
older child adoptions happening. I would imagine that we are not the only parents
grappling with these questions. All right, Sadie, it seems to me what you're really
asking for is a crystal ball. And boy, do I get it. I often have wished,
especially with big decisions, and this is a big decision, of course. I've often
wished for that crystal ball. The decision of whether to have another child,
regardless of how that child comes into your family is huge. And then you throw in
adoption and the likely early life trauma for both kids, and it gets even more
complicated. So some things to consider when making this decision. First, what are
you and your partners, if you have one in your case, you do? What are your desires
as far as having another child? What have you always dreamed of as far as your
family size? Did you have close relationships with your siblings and want to recreate
and give that as a gift to your son? How much time do you have or can get? Are
you both working at busy demanding jobs? Can you both afford to take parental leave
consecutively to have more time for the kids? Can you afford a second child and
childcare? Is your child a different race from you and your husband so you see an
advantage of providing a same -race sibling. I'm going to caution that I personally
don't think this should be the only or even the most important factor to consider,
but it is a factor to consider. And how did your marriage handle the addition of
the first child? Is it strong enough to add another child and the complexities of
another child to the mix? There is no question that there's a synergistic impact
when you have two. It is significantly harder than when you have one. Would your
support network be stretched too thin with the addition of another child? And do you
have a strong desire to have a child of a different gender? You have a son, have
you really always long to have a daughter or your husband long to have a daughter?
Those are things to consider if you are allowed to specify a gender, which is not
always the case. I really think it comes down to how you envision your life. I
believe your son is an only child. So do you see yourself having more than one
child? Have you always seen that as a possibility? There are definitely advantages to
both having just one child as well as to having two. I don't necessarily think one
is better than the other. There are advantages to each. And, you know, making a
decision to adopt again is scary. I can attest to that personally. And I think that
probably everyone who has ever adopting more than one would say the same thing. It's
like jumping into the unknown, and you did this the first time around, but now it's
not just you and your partner's life that you have to take into consideration, but
also your son's. This new child will not be the same as your son, and I realize
that's obvious, but it's worth stressing that this new little fellow or fella will
have their own strengths, their own behaviors and coping mechanisms, their own trauma,
they may be easier than your son and they may not. So you may have to take making
your decision following my grandmother's wisdom. Hope for the best, prepare for the
worst, settle for anything in between. Sadie, I hope this is helpful and I'm glad
to hear things are so wonderful with your son. Before everyone leaves, let me
mention that creating a family has a wonderful training for parents raising children
who have been exposed prenatally to alcohol or drugs. It is a facilitated,
participatory, interactive, four and a half hour training. It is absolutely wonderful.
If I do say so myself, you can get more information about it at bit .ly /prenatal
-exposure -trading. That's B -I -T dot L -Y slash prenatal dash exposure dash training.
And thanks for listening today and I will see you next week.