Helping Siblings Separated by Adoption or Foster Care - Weekend Wisdom

Question: How can I support siblings who have been separated by foster care or adoption? How can I help them build long-term secure attachments?

Resources:

• Sibling Relationships (Resource page)
• Working as Part of the Foster Care Team (Resource page)
• Creating a Family Online Facebook Group

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.
Welcome to this week's Weekend Wisdom. This is our opportunity to answer your
questions. So please send us your questions. You can send them to us at info
@creatingathamily .org or there is a link in the show notes that you can use as
well. We have a regular podcast which is about an hour in length where we interview
an expert or someone with lived experience But this one is shorter. It's usually
around five to ten minutes, and we answer your questions. So without further ado,
let's jump in. This question is, "How can I support siblings who have been separated
by foster care or adoption? How can I help them build long -term secure attachment?"
This is a great question and a great topic. Let me start at the beginning, and
there are any number of reasons that siblings will get separated when they're
involved with a child welfare system. Perhaps when the children come into care, a
placement wasn't available to keep the siblings together. Or one sibling is in foster
care while the other remains with their biological parents or with another family
member. Or one sibling may have aged out of the foster care system and their
younger siblings are still in or adoption can sometimes separate to where one sibling
has been adopted by a different family. And let me be very clear that professionals
should work hard to avoid this situation if possible. But your question is how do
you support siblings who have been separated to build long term secure attachment?
And the nuance of the answer will depend on the specifics of your situation. And
some of the factors to consider is communication between the siblings an option or
visits an option. How close in age are the siblings? Did they have a deep bond
before they were separated? Do the siblings currently even know each other exist? Are
the parents or the caregiver of the other child on board with forming and
maintaining a connection? Now, there are strategies that are helpful, but they often
depend on all the adults in the children's lives being on the same page about the
importance of sibling connections. And sadly, this is not always the case. And in
some instances, it may not be in one child's best interest to have connections. But
even when that's the case, the adults can keep the lines of communication open so
that in the future, if the children want to reestablish a relationship, the adults
are there to assist. So you specifically ask for strategies. So there are eight
strategies that I want to give you for maintaining sibling connections. First, when
the child first comes into your home, find out who the siblings are and where they
are, and make it a priority to ask and to get contact information as possible. As
time goes on, it is sometimes harder to get this information, so do it at the
beginning. Two, foster communication between siblings. Encourage regular communication
through phone calls, video chats, FaceTime, letters,
emails, things such as that. This can help them stay connected and maintain a sense
of closeness. Three, foster communication between the adults. Reach out to the other
parent of the caregiver. Express your belief that it would be best for the kids to
have contact and do your best to establish a relationship. Four, share photos and
updates regularly. Find out how that other caregiver best communicates. Is it through
text? Is it through email? Is it through phone calls? Or is it through, you know,
messages on a social media app? Find out what there is most comfortable and you be
the one who starts sharing photos and ask for photos in advance and share those
with your kid. Arrange visits whenever possible. Let them have visits with each
other. Now, geographical distance can complicate this for sure, but if possible it is
so beneficial and Someone has to take the initiative. That's kind of a theme
throughout all of these strategies. Someone has to take the initiative to set up the
first text or make the first call with the other child's parent or caregiver. And
you can be that person. You can invite the sibling to sports events or a school
play, or you can be at the park for an hour for playing. And if the other parent
is comfortable, you can have a sibling over for a sleepover. Six, look for shared
interests between the siblings. For example, maybe they're both good at basketball.
Can you get them on the same team? Or maybe they both have a shared interest, say
photography. Could you offer to pick the sibling up to take her to a photography
class together? So shared interest in activities create a common ground and makes
connection between the kids more organic and easier. So number seven, include your
child's sibling in family events. By including your child's sibling and his new
family in your family events, you are helping your child recognize that their sibling
is family. So, invite the sibling to birthday parties and send gifts to the sibling
for their birthday and gift -giving holidays, and have your child be involved in
picking out the present. And look for other family events that you can get the kids
together at. And eight, and this one may be the hardest, recognize that it might
not be in the sibling's best interest to have contact. As hard as it is because
you believe it's in the best interest of your child to have a sibling connection,
the other child may be processing life and her trauma at a different pace, or the
caregiver or the parent of the sibling might be in a different headspace. And one
of the hardest things is to allow them the grace of time and to let them set what
they see as necessary boundaries. The best you could do is try to keep the lines
of communication between the adults open so that it makes it easier in the future
if a relationship needs to be re -established. I hope these eight tips have been
helpful and thanks for a great question. Before you go, let me remind you that
creating a family has a Facebook support group. You can dot com slash creating a
family. It is a terrific place to share. It's made up primarily of adoptive foster
and kinship parents but we also have first families, birth parents as well as
adopted people and former foster youth as well. So join us over there at the
Facebook group and I will see you next week.