Is It Possible to Raise a Well-Adjusted Adoptee? - Weekend Wisdom

Question: My husband and I are nearing finalization of our five-month-old adopted son. We don't currently have any other children. Throughout our time in the adoption process, I have spent time learning about adoption trauma and the complexities of adoption. I want to be well-informed as our son grows up and aware of the difficulties he may face. However, my question is, are there stories of adoptees, especially males, who have experienced emotional health and emotional success in life? I have heard many stories, both about and from, adoptees who have challenges with identity, maladaptive behavior, and experiences with other trauma, which make them at risk for suicide, addiction and depression. Are there any adoptive parents out there who are doing it right, whose adopted kids grow up to be well-adjusted adoptees, emotionally healthy adults who can form good relationships? Is our child doomed for a future of emotional trauma and struggle? I would love to hear their stories and learn from them as well.

Resources:

• Adoptee Voices
• Parenting Adopted Children
• Talking with Kids About Adoption

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.
Welcome everyone to Weekend Wisdom by creating a family. This is our opportunity to
answer your questions. We have two podcasts. We have the long form one where we
interview an expert or someone with a lived experience once a week and that's
usually around an hour. This one is shorter and this one is directed to your
questions so please send us your questions. Submit them to
afamily .org. All right, today's question comes from Stephanie. She says,
"My husband and I are nearing finalization of our five -month -old adopted son. We
don't currently have any other children. Throughout our time in the adoption process,
I have spent time learning about adoption trauma and the complexities of adoption. I
want to be well -informed as our son grows up and aware of the difficulties he may
face. However, my question is, are there stories of adoptees, especially males,
who have experienced emotional health and emotional success in life? I have heard
many stories, both about and from, adoptees who have challenges with identity,
maladaptive behavior, and experiences with other trauma, which make them at risk for
suicide and addiction and depression. Are there any adoptive parents out there who
were doing it right, whose adopted kids grow up to be well adjusted, emotionally
healthy adults who can form good relationships. Is our child doomed for a future of
emotional trauma and struggle? I would love to hear their stories and learn from
them as well. Well, Stephanie, this is a tricky topic to address as an adoption
professional and let's be honest, as an adoptive parent. Many in the adult adoptive
community, don't want professionals and adoptive parents to speak for them, and
they're right, of course. On the other hand, you have asked me, so I'm going to
answer, with the caveat that this is a question you should also pose to adult
adoptees, and I'm going to talk more about that in a minute. So it seems to me
that you're basically asking about the emotional health of adoptive people. There are
several ways to answer this question. One through looking at research, and the second
is from talking with adoptive people. I'm going to start with research, because as
you guys probably all know, I love research. So I'm going to start there, but we're
not going to end there. All right. So the mental health of adoptees is a hard
subject to research. First, adoptive people aren't like one big monolithic group. Each
is unique, just as with non -adoptive people. Also, there are many different types of
adoption with different pre -life or pre -adoption life experiences. First,
you have infant adoption, and you're comparing that to adopting a five -year -old from
foster care who was neglected and /or abused, versus adopting a six -year -old from
Columbia who spent the last 10 years in an orphanage with no information available
on her first six years. And you compare that to adopting your one -year -old
grandchild who you've known all of his life. So another difference is adopting a
child of a different race from the rest of the family, or adopting just one child
versus adopting several kids, or adopting a child who is exposed prenatally to
alcohol or drugs, and also adoptees who are raised, say, in an open adoption where
all the parents respect each other versus those raised in a closed adoption or an
open adoption with fear and animosity. All of these differences could potentially
impact the mental health of the adoptee, and most research doesn't separate for these
differences. And research is also complicated because it's hard to tease out whether
any mental health differences between adoptees and the rest of the population are
because of the act of adoption itself or the many other factors that can impact
mental health such as possible genetic predispositions to certain mental illnesses or
disorders that they may have inherited from their birth parents, or the adoptive
family environment or parenting style, or the child's pre -adoption life experiences,
like I mentioned previously about, you know, say, even like prenatal exposure to
alcohol or drugs. Also, the willingness of adoptive parents to seek and afford
counseling. And then we have to throw in poor interuterine conditions, or nutrition,
or maternal stress during pregnancy, or really, let's be honest, some combination of
the above. And another problem with research is that some adopted people feel like
research doesn't capture the whole of their personal experience. And people like me
who quote research can feel dismissive to them. And I have to acknowledge that is
totally fair. But because I am a research geek, I am going to go to the research.
So the truth is there are inconsistent findings on the relationship between adoption
and mental health. Some studies of adoptees suggest greater self -reported drug use,
antisocial behaviors, negative emotions, and other behavioral problems, compared of
course to the non -adoptive population. But other researchers report that adoptees
engage in more pro -social behaviors than non -adopted adolescents, such as helping
others and things like that. If we look at the meta -analyses, which is always a
good way to how to take the 30 ,000 foot view of things. There is one meta
-analysis of 66 studies and they found that adopted children score higher than non
-adopted children on measures of maladjustment, externalized disorders, and academic
problems. But another meta -analysis of over 25 ,000 adoption cases and 80 ,000
controls, meaning non -adopted children, found only a small difference in behavior
problems between adoptees and non -adoptive persons. A number of studies have found
that adoptees are more likely to be in counseling than non -adopted individuals and
there could be multiple reasons for this. One, adoption brings unique issues and
developmental issues across the lifespan and adoptees encounter different issues from
children born and raised by their biological families and as such adoptees may need
counseling more often than non -adoptive people. Two, most adoptive families have had
contact with social service agencies in order to adopt. So perhaps there's less
stigma about going to counseling and getting social service assistance. For instance,
we here at Creating a Family encourage all of our adoptive families to seek
professional help if they need it and certainly do our best to destigmatize getting
help. Three, adoptive families as a whole have more money and can better afford to
get their child into therapy. And four, and I don't know if this is true, but I've
often wondered if it's easier for an adoptive parent to seek counseling for their
child, because of the general perception that whatever the problem is, I didn't cause
it. So there is a fear that I think is not uncommon that therapists are going to
blame the parents, and perhaps it's easier if there's another set of parents that
you think will get the blame. It is important to note that several studies suggest
that adoptees are more likely to attempt or complete suicide. Keep in mind that the
actual number of cases is actually quite small, but the difference is statistically
significant. So this is an issue that all parents, but especially adoptive parents,
need to be aware of. Alright, so I'm going to stop now talking about the research.
Now let's get to the second, my second suggestion, and that is start talking to
adoptees. My first suggestion is to get offline and start talking to adopted folks
in your real life. I may be wrong, but from my experience, adopted parents that
worry the most are the ones who are getting most of their information in online
groups. And you have to be careful because some groups exist to be a place where
adopted people can feel free to express the full breadth of their experiences. And
they need this place because our general non -online society overemphasizes the view
that adoption is always a blessing to the adoptive person and that adoptees should
never complain and should feel undying gratitude to their adoptive parents. And you
got to admit, this expectation has got to feel wearying. And it overlooks that
adoption carries with it some good things and some hard things. And hanging out in
these groups is life affirming for many adoptees and can provide adoptive parents
with insight into the full breadth of adoption experiences. However, it can also
leave parents feeling like you do. So in my suggestion is to ask your question to
the adopted people in your real life. And if you think you don't know some, you
are wrong. Just ask around. You're going to be surprised at how many adopted people
you actually know. And I realize that this next point is gonna sound a little
hypocritical, after what I just said about getting offline. But if you are a member
of our Creating a Family Facebook Support Group, you can post this question there
and ask that only adoptees answer. And I think you may be surprised about the
breadth of answers you're going to receive. So as to your specific questions, so you
ask, are there adoptive parents out there who are doing it right? Absolutely. This
doesn't mean that they're doing it perfectly and it doesn't mean that their kids
will never have struggles. But I'm not even sure that that's what we should be
seeking for our kids. What we hope is that our kids can experience struggles and
bounce back and be resilient and survive. So your second question, are there adopted
children who are growing up to be well -adjusted, emotionally healthy adults who can
form good relationships, you bet there are. And your last question is,
is our child doomed for a future of emotional trauma and struggles? Well, as a mama
for, I'm gonna tell you, there aren't any guarantees in this world, but your
willingness to be open to learning and changing how you parent to fit your son was
gonna go a long way to helping assure this outcome. Stephanie, I hope that this has
given you some assurance. It sounds like you are on the right track to being a
great mom to your boy. And good luck with finalizing your adoption. For everyone
else, thank you for tuning in today to Weekend Wisdom. Before you go,
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