I Really Don't Want an Open Adoption! - Weekend Wisdom

Question: We have applied to adopt a baby. We’re more or less being told that if we don’t agree to an open adoption, we’ll never get chosen by a birth mom. But, I really don’t want an open adoption. I think kids need just one mom and dad and opening up our family to others will just be confusing for everyone. But, I’m afraid that we’ll never get chosen if I say this.

Resources:

• Open Adoption (Resource page)
• Listening to Adoptee Voices
• Understanding the Birth Parents' Experience

Transcript

Please pardon any errors. This is an automated transcript.
Welcome to Weekend Wisdom by Creating a Family. This podcast is our chance to answer your questions. So please send us your questions and we will answer them and we drop on the weekends,
as is obvious by the name, and I'm going to jump right in. Here's the question. We have applied to adopt a baby. We more or less are being told that if we don't agree to an open adoption,
we'll never get chosen by a birth mom. However, I really don't want an open adoption. I think kids need just one mom and dad, and opening up our family to others will just be confusing for everyone.
But I'm afraid that we'll never get chosen if I say this. All right, well, first I'm glad you asked this question. You need to get comfortable with this decision,
because if you agree to openness, or to some degree of openness, you have an obligation to honor that agreement. So first thing I want you to understand is that openness means different things to different agencies,
but also quite frankly, different expected parents and different adoptive parents. Fundamentally, it's an attitude of acceptance that your child has two sets of parents and that both sets of parents add value to your child's life and your child will naturally want information and connection with each.
There's been lots of research to show that this is not confusing to kids. One way to think about this is to be thinking about why you might want to have an open adoption. So one,
it's good for the kids. There have been a number of studies, one of the best ones was in Minnesota, Texas adoption research project. No, there's the MTART and they followed kids and open adoptions for many,
many years. And they continue to, in fact, some of the kids that were following are now adults and parents themselves. And they know that it is good for kids. It is not confusing for kids and that it is good for adopted kids to have access to both of their families.
It's also good for birth parents. Knowing that their child is okay, knowing that they can still play some type of role in the child's life if possible, or at least just knowing that they're whatever your definition of openness is,
that they have access to information about their child. It is very important. You're not necessarily doing open adoption for them. You're doing open adoption primarily for the child,
but the biological parents will benefit. But you know, bottom line, open adoption is good for adoptive parents. This information also comes from the M -TARP study.
They went into the study believing, of course, that open adoption was going to be primarily good for the birth parents and then for the adopted kids, and then they didn't really think too much about the adoptive parents.
But they found just the opposite. They said that the one member of the triad that benefited the most from open adoption were adoptive parents. Some of the reasons for this are as follows.
One, the adoptive parents have less fear of the unknown. They know the birth parents, they're less fearful of them and what their influence might be. Another thing, they have someone to ask questions to.
They could say something about, you know, Kamar is struggling in reading. Did anyone else in the family have these struggles? There's just something reassuring to know that you can ask questions that could help you be a better parent to your child.
Another thing, they have someone that they can brag to. You know, at some point your friends and sometimes even your family get tired of hearing you brag about your kid, but I guarantee your child's birth parents will not ever get tired of hearing you brag about them.
Another, and perhaps lastly, reason that open adoptions are good for adoptive parents is, it allows you to be better able to answer your kid's questions.
Almost all adoptive kids wonder why they were placed for adoption, why my birth parents are not raising me. Well, you've got somebody who can actually answer that question as opposed to speculating.
And that's a wonderful gift for an adoptive parent to have. So don't go into the idea of open adoption because you want to get chosen. Do some research,
read, talk with other adoptive parents, talk with birth parents, and especially talk with adoptees so that you can grow in your understanding. And if you don't know where to find these,
you can go to the Creating a Family Facebook group, which is facebook .com /groups /creatingathamily. We don't have a huge number of birth parents.
We have a few. We have a lot of adoptees and a lot of adoptive parents there. And I think you will find a tremendous amount of reassurance. So thanks for being brave enough to ask the question.
I do appreciate that, truly I do. Now before everybody goes, let me tell you about a workshop that creating a family is running right now. It is a prenatal substance exposure workshop.
It is three sessions. It's interactive. It is facilitated. It is all about prenatal substance exposure to drugs or alcohol, I cannot recommend it enough.
It's one of the favorite things we have ever created here at Creating a Family. We have run two randomized control trials. We were able to show significant improvements in the outcomes we were tracking,
which is parental confidence and parental ability to feel like they can successfully raise a child. So if you're considering adding a child to your family through adoption or if you're currently parenting and you suspect that your child may have been prenatally exposed,
check it out at bit .ly /prenatal -exposure -training. That's bit .ly /prenatal -exposure -training.
And thanks for listening to this week's Week in Wisdom. If you liked it, tell a friend, and you can subscribe to the Week in Wisdom by subscribing to the regular Creating a Family dot org All righty,
that's it. See you next week.