Grandparents Disapprove of Our Adoption Plans - Weekend Wisdom

Question: We are planning to adopt our third child. We have reason to believe that my husband’s parents will oppose this idea. Do you have any advice on how to approach them?

Resources:

• Transitioning Your Child to Your Home
• Winning Over Reluctant Extended Family to Your Adoption Plans
• Sibling Relations (Combing Children by Birth & Adoption)

Transcript

Pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.
- Welcome to Weekend Wisdom by Creating a Family. Weekend Wisdom is our opportunity to answer your questions. So every weekend, as the name implies,
we will do a short podcast answering your questions. So remember everyone, send us your questions. All right, we're gonna jump right in. Today's question,
we are planning to adopt for our third child. We have reasons to believe that my husband's parents will be opposed to this idea. Any advice on how to approach them? Well,
it is both disappointing and frustrating when your parents don't share your excitement over your adoption plans. You're excited and of course you want them to be excited with you.
So one of the things we suggest is to really think through what could be driving their concerns or their opposition and really think through this and giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Don't automatically assume it's just because they're negative nullies or just because they don't approve of anything they do or just because whatever. Try to really think what could be driving them.
One thought would be there are your husband's parents and even parents regardless of the age of their child still worry about their kids. And in this case,
y 'all are getting ready to make a huge life choice that can significantly impact the whole family. They may have heard horror stories about adoptions or sensationalized media coverage or something about the dismal prognosis about,
you know, international adopted kids or foster kids or babies who are affected by prenatal alcohol or drug exposure, and when they consider their child taking on this weighty challenge, it's natural for them to worry about the child.
And also, they don't have the benefit of understanding or they may not have the benefit of understanding about adoption. You have done a lot of research. You have learned a lot along the way that your husband's parents haven't had the benefit of,
and they haven't been on this journey with you. So kind of go back to your earlier days when you were first considering and the two of you were talking about adoption and think about what you didn't know and also remember your own concerns and fears.
So my first recommendation is to control your expectations. Do not expect them to be as excited as you are. They may work their way to that excitement. Chances are good they won't but they might But don't go in expecting that.
You have made this decision. You have done your research and remind yourself that you have thought through this and that you don't need to have them be as excited as you are.
Try to set your expectations for the grandparents as well as any other significant family members for that matter. Set them reasonably and give them permission in your mind to grapple with their own fears and the reservations.
Remember, you probably had them at the beginning too. The second step is share your process. When you feel confident about what you're doing, which path forward you're taking, which type of adoption, then go ahead and talk to them about their adoption process and bring them along with your experience and share your plans.
You could start by explaining why you want to adopt, help them understand the different types of adoption and why you chose the type you did. However, in this point, I think it needs to be made very clear,
and that is when you speak with them, make clear that you are not asking for their permission. Instead, you chose to share your decision and the process with them because you love them and that they're essential to your family.
The third thing I would recommend, explain the impact of trauma. Explain to the grandparents what you have been learning about trauma, collect or parental exposure from the child's developments,
help them understand the preparation you are making to meet the needs of this child you're going to adopt, and prepare them that you will very likely be parenting this child differently than how they parented you.
And sometimes grandparents may need assurance that this difference is not a reflection on them. Instead, you're choosing to parent in a way that meets this kid's specific needs.
And four, set expectations for their relationship with your child. Once the child is home, watch how your parents treat their new grandchild. Now I am not recommending that you go into every interaction defensively looking for unfairness.
That is not productive at all. However, you must enter this new dynamic with your eyes wide open. And it may take some time for everyone to adapt to the new normal. But don't let it slide.
If they're treating your child unequally, you need to say something. For example, you might say, from the outside looking at it appears that you are favoring the biological grandchild,
whatever the child's name is, over the name for the newly adopted child. I'm concerned about the effect this is having on both children, something along those lines. Please leave space for their feelings about your observations and discuss them together.
It will help if you assume the best about them, that they are likely unaware of what they're doing and they want to fix it. And if they prove otherwise, you will know it's time to handle it differently.
And try not to make demands for equality 'cause after all, they don't know this new child as well as the other grandkids. However, you should expect them to interact fairly with the new child while they are getting to know them.
For example, you might say you are whatever the new child's name is you are let's say It's Bobby you are Bobby's grandparents and you owe it to him to show interest in him Even if you don't know him very well yet You should be asking about their activities or school group friends,
etc. Just like you do the other kids in our family if you need help finding connection points with Bobby I'm happy to give you some ideas. And the last piece of advice is make peace with what you can control.
You are the adults, you and your husband. You're making decisions for and with your family. It's normal for you to want your parents to accept and approve of your decisions and enjoy being a part of your family.
However, recognize that you ultimately have no control over how they're going to respond. Before I let you go, let me remind you, Creating a Family has a monthly free e -newsletter.
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