Adopting as a Single Parent

What issues should you consider if you want to adopt as a single person? We talk with Susan Fremer, a licensed mental health intern and a single mom of five adopted girls; and Lee Varon, a LICSW specializing in adoptive parenting, a single mom to two sons through adoption, and author of two books on single parent adoption.

In this episode, we cover:

1. Single parenting is common. Are there distinctions between becoming a single parent through divorce, conception, and adoption? 
2. How easy is it to adopt as a single woman or single man? 
3. Are there any additional requirements for single parents to be able to adopt? Any additional questions in the home study?  
4. Legal issues. Importance of a will and naming a guardian. 
5. What are some potential issues single parents should consider before they decide to adopt? 
6. Is there another single parent or family that you could partner with to provide mutual child care support either full time or babysitting type arrangement? 
7. Emotional support. 
8. Consider moving closer to family. 
9. Changes to your friend network after you become a parent. 
10. Finances. 
11. Costs for raising a child. 
12. Look at your debt. 
13. Will your housing have to change? 
14. Child care. 
15. May influence the age of child you decide to adopt. 
16. Finding the opposite gender role model for your child. 
17. Self-care.  
18. Dating. 
19. Are you ready to be a single parent? 
20. Are you ready to give up the fun parts of being child-free, like the freedom to do what you want when you want? The freedom to tackle a new time consuming work project, educational degree, hobby, travel, etc. 
21. Are you ready to feel the inevitable time crunch of single parenting? 
22. Are you ready financially? 
23. Annoying comments you may hear. 
24. You haven’t given enough time to finding a partner. 
25. Consider joining a single parent by choice support group. Online or in-person (check Meetup) 
26. Resources: 
    1. Single Adoptive Parents: Our Stories (Book by Lee Varon and Sherry Fine) 
    2. Adopting On Your Own: The Complete Guide to Adoption for Single Parents (Book by Lee Varon) 
    3. Single Mothers By Choice (organization and website) 
    4. Motherhood Reimagined (organization and website) 
    5. ChoiceMom.org E-guide: Finding Support (eGuide) 

This podcast is produced  by www.CreatingaFamily.org. We are a national non-profit with the mission to strengthen and inspire adoptive, foster & kinship parents and the professionals who support them. Creating a Family brings you the following trauma-i

Transcript

0:00  
Welcome, everyone to creating a family. I am dawn Davenport. I am both the director of creating a family as well as your hosts today. Today we're going to be talking about adopting as a single parent, we'll be talking with Susan firmer. She is a licensed mental health intern and a single mom of five adopted daughters. And we'll be talking with liberon. She is a single parent to two adopted sons. She is a Li CSW a licensed clinical social worker specializing in adoption. And she is also the author or co author of two books, one, adopting on your own The Complete Guide to adopting as a single parent, as well as single adoptive parents, our stories. Welcome Billy and Susan, to creating a family. We're so glad you're here to talk to us today about single parent adoption, a topic that we get a lot of questions on. So I'm so glad you're here.

0:57  
Thank you for having us.

1:00  
Well, alright, so single parenting is common. And are there distinctions, and there's so many ways that one can become a single parent? Are there distinctions between becoming a single parent through divorce, or a single parent through conception just by choosing to be a single parent, or through adoption? Lee?

1:20  
Well, basically, in my practice, I started back in my I brought my son home in 1984. And I started an agency and it was really focused on on single people who are considering parenting through adoption. So some of them had explored becoming a single parent through birth, but for the most part, they were focused on adoption. Mm hmm. I think that there are some distinctions. Susan, do you want to weigh in I, you know, in particular, I think that well, for all three, I think that becoming a single parent through divorce, you're not planning on it, you know, that's a life dream that has gone awry. Oftentimes, with a single parent through conception, you are planning on it, and adoption. So some distinctions that you might note between the ways people make become a single parent?

2:12  
Well, I definitely, unfortunately, have experienced with the first being a single parent through divorce, that actually just brings a whole new level of trauma for their children. So you're actually dealing with, you know, a decision that, unfortunately, most of the times the children are old enough to know how they became, you know, the child to a single parent. And that usually is associated with some type of trauma when it is a divorce.

2:39  
And, of course, with conception, you know, I don't want to say anyone can go out and get pregnant, but it's, it's a, there's a much less scrutiny there. When a single person goes out, a single woman goes out and decides she wants to become a parent through conception. And there's really no questions asked. And then, of course, through adoption, and I don't know how Lea went through how what experience she had, but I know that I, when I had my first four adoptions, I was married. And so we had our home study done, we went through all of the training, but when I adopted as a single parent, because my youngest daughter, I adopted her when I was single. And I felt like there was, you know, a little bit more scrutiny there. And I'm not saying that that wasn't necessary, but just, as far as, you know, having to explain how I will meet that child's needs on a continual basis when I'm working full time and, you know, raising four other children as a single parent, I think there's just a whole set of dynamics that goes with each situation. Yeah. And certainly the one that you mentioned, scrutiny is one that we hear very, very most common, because if you're choosing to conceive either, and whether you're doing it through donor sperm, whether you're doing it through a known donor, whether you're doing it through embryo donation, or whatever, you're no one for the most part is is questioning you or your capabilities or your suitability for Parenthood. But for adoption, that is not the case. So that is that is a distinction. And some could argue it's both good for the good and for the bad, meant to weigh in on that a little bit dawn, because as you might know, I adopted my two sons over a decade apart. So I realized that or one thing I was very cognizant of is that things changed immensely. From 1984 when I brought my first son home from El Salvador, and 1997, when I brought my second child who was two at the time, when I brought him home from Russia, because there was a huge wave of single people that became interested in adoption in the early 80s. And that's when we started running our groups for single people interested in adopting

4:57  
and things had changed at

5:00  
agencies were much more receptive social workers were much more open to single people who might want to adopt in the beginning, it was it was very difficult.

5:11  
Well, and that leads us into the next thing I want to talk about. And that is, How easy is it or not easy as the case might be to adopt as a single woman or a single man, I think we should talk about both. So let's start there, we're going to focus on the three major types of adoption, that leads into what Leah was talking about. We're going to talk about domestic infant, foster care, and then International. So let's start with domestic infant, Susan, how, how easy is it? Or how difficult is it to adopt as a single person, let's let's divide up between single woman and single man for domestic infant adoption. Sure, so I personally have no experience with single men adopting, but I have worked with several single women that have tried to adopt domestically, some of them have been successful in doing so. But there again, many times Unfortunately, when birth, parents are looking at profiles for the individual or individuals that will adopt the child that the birth mom is carrying, they tend to in my experience, what I've seen, they tend to lean much more towards, you know, a family unit where there's a husband and a wife in the picture.

6:26  
I think that is the reality, it is certainly possible. And we see it happening. And there's the way that domestic infant adoptions work generally, is it is what we call a birth parent Choice Program, or in this case, expectant parent because it's prior to the adoption. So the profiles of prospective adoptive people, parents, or parents are submitted in the expectant parent or parents make the decision. Many times these are single women who are expecting and are considering making an adoption plan, in my experience is that more often, they are they lean towards two parent households. Not always however, it is it is impossible to say what will attract an expectant mom who is considering making an adoption plan. There is it may be that she was raised by a single parent, and had a wonderful childhood and would like that for her child. So it is possible. But as Susan, I agree, I see it as usually they single moms, or single women who are interested in adopting have to wait longer usually. And with single men, we see that they have even a harder time adopting domestic infants. Now let's move to foster care. I have some experience with this. So I'll just If you want, I'll just chime in on what I know foster care, and then we'll move to international with foster care. The prevailing wisdom is that we always go by the best interest of the child. And there is absolutely situations where it is the best in the best interest of children to be raised by a single parent, be it a single mom or a single dad. And a fair percentage of people who adopt from foster care are singles. So it is absolutely possible to adopt. One thing to keep in mind with foster care is that the younger children and children with smaller sibling groups are single kids. And kids with fewer special needs are generally adopted by their foster parents. So if you had to adopt children that fit that profile, it is helpful to go in as a foster parent, not an adoptive parents. However, keep in mind that the goal of foster care is to reunify children with their birth family. So if you go in as a foster parent, you have to accept that your role is to try to help heal the birth family, and that you will have to take an active role in doing that. So that's something to keep in mind. All right now international adoption. Lee, how current is your knowledge on the field of international adoption for single moms and single dads?

9:23  
Well, to be honest, it's not very current. But I can say that when I began my adoption process in 1984, one of the reasons that a lot of single it's mostly women at the time very few men were interested in international adoption was because it was very difficult to adopt a younger child domestically. And that was true even if foster care those it's changed a great deal. And so one way to adopt a younger child was to adopt internationally and you know, there were many programs in Latin America in general.

10:00  
Well, America that were open, and single women tend to go in certain directions because of that. And as far as I know, you know, because like I have told you, I haven't really kept current with some of this in terms of placement. But I think it's still possible for single women to adopt internationally, with many agencies. And I know that single women are still doing that. Susan, this is your area of expertise. So let's turn to you. Internationally, I will say it depends on the country. So moreso than the agency. So how how readily available are, is it possible for single women or single men, let's start with single women to adopt internationally? Sure, so as you said, most of this depends on the foreign country. And we see that several foreign countries do allow for single women to adopt. And the programs are pretty successful with other countries. However, they are 100%, against singles adopting period. So typically, when a single female will call and want to adopt, we will research what countries are available that will allow a single to adopt, and then we move forward, we know then we go through those and see what the other requirements are. And we've had some very successful adoptions with single women. Let me pause here and mention that it creating a family. On our website, we have a comparison chart of the different countries, the top placing countries to the United States. And we analyze them for 10 factors that are really relevant for making a decision. And of the 10 factors. Certainly one of them is whether or not they allow singles to adopt, you can find that chart by going to our those charts, by going to creating a family.org that hover over the word adoption and the horizontal menu. And then you can click on adoption comparison charts, there's a host of factors that we compare countries with. Alright, Susan, Are there additional requirements? You mentioned that there were when you adopted and there still are? What are some of the additional requirements that single parents have to do to be able to adopt? Well, I think one of the biggest things that social workers look at at least that's what I look at when I'm working with a single applicant is their support system, especially for the single applicants that work and most of them do have to work. And so we look at their support system, and see, you know, if you're not available for one of the children, when the child gets out of school, who will be picking the child up, who will be taking care of the child, if you're not available for you know, whatever reason. So we really, really look heavily at the support system that these single applicants have. And then of course, income, and you know, what is the plan if your income is no longer available, if you get laid off from work, there's no longer you're not coming from a dual income household. And so, you know, what, what is your backup plan there. So we look at things like that just to make sure that the child will be able to live in a consistent environment where his or her needs will continually, you know, be met. Another requirement that we often see is that you have a will and you have appointed a guardian, in case something were to happen to you and you are not around.

13:37  
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14:34  
All right, Lee, what are some of the I want to now move into some of the more psychological issues that we that single parents should consider before they decide not just psychological but practical issues that single parents should consider before they decide to adopt? I think the first one I want to begin with is time because it's so easy to not realize how much time kids take

15:00  
So let's talk about time and, and and how that impacts your decision to become a single parent through adoption. Well, I think it's segues in some ways to what Susan was saying about support network. Because, you know, it's a question of time for yourself, you need to take care of yourself when you're raising a child, because it's, you know, if there are stresses that come and challenges and so I think it's really important, self care is very important. And part of that is taking time for yourself, and how are you going to do that unless you have some built in way of support for your child. So whether that's a babysitter or an after school program, or time you can take away from work when your child is at school, I think that's that ability to kind of recharge yourself is very important. I know, early on, when I became interested in adopting on there was a wonderful group called single parents for adoption of children everywhere. And that was a great resource. This was in the 1980s. And things were just beginning because you know, you'd have to single adoptive parents, and they would trade off sometimes weekends or nights babysitting, you know, so that you could get some free time or just time to do whatever. And that was one of my greatest supports. And you know, there were other things as well. But I think that's vital.

16:25  
And it's not just time that just so you can have some time to recharge, but sometimes you may need help with, you know, the child is sick, or you've got if you have more than one child, one child is, is needing a whole lot of care. And so even if the extra help around is not just for self care, although we're going to spend some time talking about self care, because it is really important. What are one of the things that I see repeatedly is that this is not specific to singles at all. But it is hard to ask for help. So first of all, you think you have a support network, you've got friends, you may have family or whatever. But how do you ask them before you adopt? You know, how committed are you to helping me? I mean, what are some? What are some practical things that you can do to try to move we all know that it's easy to say, Sure, I'll be there for you. But when push comes to shove, and and you haven't slept for two nights, because the baby is teething, or are whatever, and you're exhausted and tired? It's easy, and but they have other plans. It's easy not to show up. So what are some practical things lay that you could suggest for make certain that you're, you have a support network? Well, you're bringing up a really important thing, Dawn, because I remember when I first adopted, I was very naive, and I really didn't. I mean, I learned sort of by becoming a parent, in some ways with my my first son, and I had, you know, I was living a single life, and I thought, oh, I'll adopt and my son will just sort of fit into my life.

18:04  
Oh, bless your heart.

18:06  
We all think that, however, single or otherwise, we all think that I know. And I look back and I think oh my god, you were just

18:16  
unaware of so many things. But the thing was, is that, you know, I had single friends who were saying, Oh, that's great, you know, we're really behind you. But they had their own single lives. They were Yes. You know, you know, working, they had busy socialize. And one thing I really found out is that sometimes the people that you think are going to be there for you are not the ones that end up being there for you. And when I adopted my second son, I was like I said it was like a decade on and, you know, I was much more intentional about thinking, Okay, what am I going to need? Who Can I count on? Who will be there? What happens? If they're not there? What do I do? And so, you know, I think it does behoove people to really think about it very carefully. It's like, Who will you call? And one of the things I always remember to, well, this sort of touches back on the emotional piece, but I had a friend who I ran my agency with Sherry, and she said, You know, sometimes I just need to be able to pick up the phone and let out a primal scream, you know, just to sort of vent, and it's really important that you have your people that you can count on to be there for you. Mm hmm. Yeah. So true, is one of the things we encourage people when they're thinking of who their support network is going to be. Because your point is so well taken that that your friends it's easy to say in general, but you need to be specific, be very clear. Not would you consider babysitting sometimes but something more like okay, I need if I'm going to adopt I'm going to need a support system. one weekend, a month, one Saturday a month. I am looking for someone who will

20:00  
I take my child from, you know, in the morning, or in the afternoon or something so that I can get some things done. Or if I need to work late, no more than once a week, would you be able to have my child spend the night at your house. So be very specific as to what you're asking. And to give your friends and out, say, I understand that I'm the parent and that this may not be what you're signing up for. So it's okay, please let me know. But I need to know going forward, who I can call and who I can't. So be very specific. And even then you're still going to find that that some people who you think are going to help are simply not going to be be able to, Susan, any thoughts on from the help standpoint, we're going to move next to talking about emotional support. But from the help standpoint, any other suggestions for single parents who are thinking about jumping in to adoption? Well, again, and Lee mentioned this is having that support group beforehand, getting together and meeting other single adoptive parents, where you can tag team with one another. And, and, you know, they understand more than anybody, other single parents understand more than anybody. You know, I've been fortunate because my parents live around the corner from me, and I have older children. So you know, one of the things that I did, from very early on was I taught my children that from 7am to 8am. If the house is not on fire, or somebody, you know, not in big trouble here, then you come out at eight, but I need that time because I really want to be a good mom to you. And I need to start the day off with some quiet time. And then my girls also had very consistent, you know, bedtimes so that helped me but greatly just having family around and and meeting with other singers, other people that are like minded that understand, you need a break. And those are the those are the go to friends. Those are leaves. Absolutely right. Those are the go to friends. That number of singles who even though they don't they go into single parents who go into it, not really not thinking they would do this, I can't tell you the number of people I know who end up moving closer to family for those very reasons just to have a, a firmer support network. Because, you know, one of the things that also happens is that your friend network does change. This is what Lee mentioned, you know, her single friends, who are not choosing to become parents, we're continuing to have the head and act of life. And that doesn't always jive with a new parents life. So be prepared for your friend network to change. Absolutely, absolutely. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So it's not a bad thing. It's the other thing to realize is that it's a it's a natural thing. And it happens to couples as well. Once if one couple has a child and their friend that way nobody else in their friend network has children. They find the same thing that people who don't have kids leave this sounds so obvious, right? lead a different life. But it's really true. And it's something to be aware of, if you're considering adopting as a single. I mentioned one thing about family.

23:14  
I had a brother, I have a brother, he still is my brother, but he was single when I adopted and so for my first son, I mean we take vacations together It was wonderful. I mean, it was he was always there. And then he got married, how dare How rude

23:32  
child that's just adding insult to injury. I really like on it. And he moved and so you know, I mean things even within families can change. Yeah, if you have it I mean, I was very envious I remember feeling people who have this wonderful extended family you know, they could count on. But you know, even things within the family can change. That is such a good point your your parents you make move closer, but they get older, and are not able to be as physically helpful. So you are you're absolutely right. So that's the name of the game. As to continue to. I think though being aware of it going in is extremely helpful. I think it's really important for social workers. I know you know, to stimulate that thinking brain in the prospective adoptive parent Lee, I don't know if you do home studies, but for me, I always questioned families Tell me about your support system. And in when they say it's family, that's wonderful. But outside of family, we want to know more we want to we want to know your entire support system. Because that's part of the job is to help prospective adoptive parents think about the things that they might not think about because adoption is so emotional to begin with. Yeah, that's a really good point. And that is a great role for the social worker to help because we all go with with with rose colored glasses. Honestly, I don't know that any of us would have gone become parents. If we

25:00  
You know, that's just the truth. We there's a certain amount of optimism it takes. I love what Susan says about that. Because I think that is a role of a social worker, because I looking back, I mean, my first social worker really didn't do that, that sort of probing, you know, like, what if, and what would you do with? And I really think that's important, because I did go into it with kind of rose colored glasses. And I thought, well, you know, I'll make do with this and that, and something will work out. And some of that's good, because like you say, if I hadn't had that, would I have ever even started, you know, but on the other hand, I think it really is important to have someone ask you some of those hard questions, those probing questions. Have you thought about this? If you thought of it, what would you do in this case? You know, I think that's, that's really helpful. Well, another thing to think about, and another that if you're considering becoming a single parent through adoption, and one that your social worker will certainly probe and manage your finances.

25:58  
The and that is part of their role is to make certainly say, because there's a number of things that come into it. One the cost of adoption, unless you're adopting through foster care, but there's also the cost of raising a child and child care. And oh, gosh, just in your childcare in general, and, and then extracurricular activities. So Susan, what do you recommend for families, single families, single parents to think about as far as whether or not they can truly afford to add a child to their family? Sure. Well, I think one of the biggest things is, in addition to their annual salary would be the how much they're spending, what their expenditures are every month, just to see if there's a healthy command of their income, you know, are you spending more than you make? Are you just making ends meet? Do you have a cushion at the end of every month? And then looking at you know, what, I know, we did the Florida prepaid for my girls, and I'm very thankful that I did that. What is he I'm not familiar with it, Florida college prepaid program, though, I did that for four of the girls, and then you're right, the extracurricular activities are outrageous, every single one of my daughters took music lessons. So you know, having to to think about those things. And do you have that excess income to be able to, and don't get me wrong, I don't, I don't feel it's necessary for children to be involved in so many outside activities that cost so much money. I grew up, I adopted selfishly, I wanted children, I wanted to spend time with my children. So I I wasn't of that mindset, although the music lessons were great. But just I think money management, I guess that's probably the best term that I could come up with, how is your money management? I would also say look at your debt. Because if you're going into, and that's something that if you're just thinking about being a single parent, start addressing if you have debt, start addressing that now, because it will weigh heavily upon you, as you as you parent.

28:10  
I wanted to say one other thing about that on, please. Yeah, it was like, I remember when I was thinking of adopting and somebody said, Well, how much do you think it'll cost to raise a child and I threw out some figures, and they said, No, triple bad.

28:25  
You know, I use one of the things in the groups I ran. And so I thought I would talk about the special needs of the adopted child. And that, in a sense, every adopted child has special needs. But both of my children has special needs and learning disabilities. And, you know, just the cost of dealing with some of the upfront costs of that. neuro psych of ALS,

28:48  
special tutoring, special programs therapy. I mean, that's a tremendous cost. Mm hmm. Well, yeah, but some of the costs of raising children you work in to your into your finances, but those are additional costs that that that catch you. And another big additional cost is childcare. And it really does influence it. And that is a big influence, sometimes on the age of a child that people choose to adopt. Because you've got you need to and in varies depending on where you live. But one of the things you need to look into is how much is childcare for the age child you're considering adopting, in your wherever you're in your geographic area, because it's it can be mind boggling. Absolutely. Sure. And if I can chime in. There's one other aspect that I mentioned that I experienced personally is the whole health care. When one of my daughters has Dallas Samia and she ended up needing trans she needs transfusions every three weeks. And it was all great when the insurance was covering, you know, most of it with a small copay, but then they changed their insurance and

30:00  
Now all of a sudden, I was faced with $1,000 bill every month towards her transfusions. So those are things that we tend not to think about. Because if you have healthcare through your employer, not many people think oh, that's gonna change. It's Oh, I unfortunate I have health care, this is my copay, but that could change. And in fact it did for me. So those are other you know, that's another whole aspect that it's just worth visiting when you're when you're thinking about adopting. That's such a good point about if you are fortunate to have good health care through your company, through your employer, and you either voluntarily or involuntarily need to change employment. It can be a real, especially if you have to go into being self insured. Although our new healthcare system not new anymore. Old healthcare, the Obamacare has certainly shifted that. But moving into a high deductible plan, because it's the only one you can afford, can play havoc if you've got ongoing medical expenses. Absolutely. Yeah. Another thing to consider with your finances is, can you continue living in your same house or apartment? Or will you need to change if not immediately, but shortly after, you know, a year or two down the road, that's something to, to think about, if you're in a studio apartment, yes, an infant would work but after a while, is a five year old going to work in that environment. So that was also a a cost that could be to be considered as well, I was just gonna say about finances is that I was very aware that anything that stresses you out, as a parent is going to filter down to your child, you're stressed out about debt, and how am I going to pay for this, and oh, we can't afford this, I mean, those things will have an effect on your child. So it's really important, I think, to talk to really realistically Think about your finances and have realistic expectations of what you're going to be able to do in that realm. And perhaps a something that would be helpful would be to try to start living or what you assume the budget will be once you have a child in your home, find out what childcare is, start taking that out, put it into savings, but that you're now living on a increase your if you're adopting an infant, you know, add diapers and formula into your, what you're planning on putting aside for your groceries, and things like that help you take a more realistic approach and see how stressful it's going to be to try to live within that. Alright, okay, Lee, I wanted to talk something that I know that that you have given a lot of thought to, and that is finding the opposite gender role model for your child, if you're a single parent, you obviously are bringing that rub your gender into your parenting. But we believe that children benefit from having opposite gender role models in their lives as well. So what are some ways that in this case, single moms, but we could also say single dads, who would be looking for female role models and single moms who would be looking for male role models for their child? Yeah, I think it is important. And I remember when I adopted my first son, and I mentioned that we had this

33:22  
single parents adopting children everywhere, we would go on holidays together, we would go on picnics and and different events. And there were some men there. And they became the sort of male role models, so to speak for a lot of women who had single, you had adopted a single parents, I think I was very lucky to have my brother for quite a long time, and to some extent, my father as well. But people are sometimes not so lucky to have family. And so I think it's really important, oftentimes, other couples who you know, there may be a male that is important in in your family's life. I also had for my first son, particularly the big brother, big sister organization, he had a big brother for quite some time, who is very attached to he would see him for a few hours every weekend. And that was wonderful. And then there were unexpected things that happened because especially when I had my first son, I dated quite a bit and it didn't always work out. But there was a man that he became like a family member, we broke up. We didn't last as a couple, but he really was very attached to both of my children and throughout his life until he passed away sadly, so you just don't know sometimes where you're going to find those. But it is important.

34:47  
Susan, any thoughts that that? So I realized in your case, it's slightly different because four of your children have a father in their life, but any thoughts on finding opposite gender

35:00  
role models for your children. Sure, unfortunately, really, my daughters don't have a relationship with their dad. And that was one of the biggest concerns that I had, because they went from having a male figure in the home, although not always present, they went from having a male figure in their lives to not having one. And so I was very concerned about that. But luckily, I have my dad and I do have two older brothers, one lives far away, and one is close. And so they, they were always available. And then what I always recommend is for families to think about, if they're involved in church, or in a, you know, some type of religious organization, that there are opportunities, they are also. And for us personally, the men that have been in, in our lives have been my, my dad, my brothers, and then some of the men from the church that, you know, just stepped up to the plate on many occasions. And so, you know, but Lee, I hear you with the, with the dating it, you know, that's, that's a hard thing. You know, that's really hard. Let's talk about that. I mean, I think that is something that we laugh about. But the truth is, it's a challenge as a single parent. So let's jump in. And as soon as you get ready, because it's coming to you next, but let's talk about dating. If that is something, even if it's something at this point, you think I am finished with dating, I am not going to date anymore, you know that the reality is that that may not be something that you feel in two years or three years. So what are some of the challenges in dating as a single parent?

36:41  
Well,

36:42  
the size at all. I mean, like I said, I was 33 when I was working on the adoption of my first son, and I thought I could just go, you know, sort of merrily along and date and, you know, eventually, you know, I might find somebody to be with. And so I did continue dating when I when I had my first son, and like I said, there was one man I, you know, it didn't work out as a couple, but he, he stayed connected to my son. And, you know, it's a long story with my whole process, but I actually was married. And between my two adoptions, both were as a single parent, and then divorced, that was very difficult for my, my son. Um, however, you know, in the long run, it did turn out well there too, because the person I married did stay in touch with my son, and my younger son that I adopted after we were divorced. So you just never really know how things are gonna turn out. But I did want to say one thing, which was that my life was my second, adoption was much color. And I felt much more balanced and just present in a way because I wasn't thinking anymore of dating, I kind of had fully accepted that I was, raised my salon as a single parent, my second son, and that that was fine. And I had sort of made peace with that in a way that I don't think I had with my first son. And so you know, it was I didn't date at all, and my younger son is now 26. And I think it was a it was a calmer ride for my second son, actually. Hmm. Interesting.

38:26  
Susan, thoughts on dating as a single parent?

38:30  
Sure. So my daughters became very possessive of me and my time with them after their dad left. And so that was a challenge for me, because any time that I would even entertain the concept of dating, it was very frowned upon. And my daughters were 10 1112. And my oldest daughter was 15 at the time, so it's very difficult for her. That age alone comes with a whole, a whole bunch of complexities. So I I was afraid of upsetting the applecart. I just felt like we needed time to heal. And I did. I did go on a few dates and just decided not to do it at all. And then I was fortunate recently that I reconnected with a young man that I call he's not young anymore. But he he We grew up together in New York, and we reconnected and my daughters love him, he can cook, they love the food they love. He's got a great personality, he's very patient. But I think it's really, really important. If before you start dating, to you have to decide where you're coming from. Obviously, coming from a divorce situation is going to look very, very different than if you had been single from the get go when you first adopted. So I think those things play big roles in deciding you know when to date and I

40:00  
I would highly recommend that if you are single, a single adoptive parent and you do consider dating, I really think it's important to get to know that person without revealing too much to the children first, because you don't want them to become attached. Lee, we're very fortunate. And I think that's wonderful. But it doesn't always work that way. And so, you know, the trauma that they bring with them from their, you know, their history is, is enough. And I was very concerned about exposing my daughters to additional trauma by having them get attached to someone, and then if it didn't work out, then you know, then it was going to be an issue. They're older now they understand a lot more. And it was really just the right time for me now to date. And I, I think I hit the jackpot. So all the way around. That's wonderful. Yeah, I, I sort of wish I had been more aware of that when I was when my first son was young, because I think I do think it was difficult for him. And I do think both of my children came from had trauma in their history, and I didn't, I ended up I think it was really traumatizing in a way to have the loss for my son, my first son, and you know, I have regrets about that, actually. And I think what's insane is really, it's very important to get to know the person before you bring them into your family's law.

41:28  
Because the reality dating is in what you're doing is you're kind of taking a trial run, you're trying to that's the that's the essence of what dating is getting to know this person. And and the majority of people we date are not going to be people that we ultimately think we're going to try to make a life with. So keeping that keeping our children protected from the, the initial stages, because they don't understand that. And that's it. And we want to also have the freedom to be able to let someone go, who is not right for us, and not not have to worry about whether that's going to upset our child because our child has already formed a separate relationship with that person. So yeah.

42:11  
I want to take a moment to remind you that this show is brought to you by the generous support of our partners. And these are agencies that believe in our mission of providing unbiased education and support both pre and post adoption, fostering and kinship care. And they believe in it, not only just in Word, but also they're willing to put their money behind it. And that allows us to provide this show for you. One such partner is hopscotch adoptions. They are a Hague accredited international adoption agency, placing children from Armenia, Bulgaria, Croatia, Georgia, Ghana, Ghana, Morocco, Pakistan, Serbia, Ukraine, and they specialize in placing children with Down syndrome and other special needs. They also have a strong kinship adoption program.

43:02  
All right, I wanted to talk some about self care. And I have to admit every parent out there when they hear the word self care is probably snickering and going Yeah, right. And, and every single parent is in particular doing that. But the truth is, we all need time and care for ourselves. And when you are in a partnered relationship, it is easier. Well, not always, but it's in an ideal world, you can tag team and so that you can justify and get some time for yourself. Now the the the the other side is that not only in a partner relationship, not only do you have self care, but you also have partnership care. And that's can be done that should be that should demand certain amount of time. And with self care and the single as a single parent, you wouldn't necessarily need that. But how can then I'm directing this to you leave first, how can you find time as a single parent, to do things that nourish you, and and, and improve you and sustain you? Well, some of it we've touched on already, but I do think it's so important, you know, many of us wait so long to become parents, and you can just throw yourself 100% into parenting. But I think it's really important for all of us to serve, she pulled a part of ourselves that's, you know, our interests or hobbies, or whatever it may be, to not lose that completely when you become a parent. And the only way you can really do that is is that if you do think very intentionally about how can I keep that in my life. Susan mentioned her church and I found that was a very a source of

44:48  
great help for me in terms of doing that because I was involved in a church and you know, my son would be able to be sort of off with his group with church and then I could do my thing with him.

45:00  
Other people that was important to me, that didn't have anything to do with parenting. And so I was able to keep some of those things in my life that I really valued, that were important to me. And so it segues in or connects with this whole thing about support systems, you'll need a support system in order to find the time find the emotional space in order to take care of yourself. And

45:28  
you know, there's a there's an acronym called halt, hungry, angry, lonely, tired that it's something in the recovery community, but it's like you can see kids sort of regress and kind of lose it when when they have, you know, when they are hungry, angry, lonely, tired. And the same is true with parents. You know, the same is true with us is that you know, you need to take care of yourself, body and soul and spirit. And, you know, if you're getting tired, if you're getting run down, if you're feeling lonely, all those things, you know, you need a place to recharge your batteries. Yeah, absolutely. Let's talk about some of the questions that this that some of these questions should be asked for people who are, whether they're in a partner relationship, or whether they're single, but some of the questions to ask to determine if you are ready to be a single parent, one that we suggest is giving some real steady thought to Are you ready to give up the fun parts of being child free, because there are so many fun parts, there really are, like the freedom to do what you want, when you want with whom you want the freedom to throw yourself into a new time consuming work project or a job, or a degree educational degree or a hobby, or travel or things like that. I think those are things that are worthy of

46:47  
giving some thought, although honestly, most people by the time they are thinking about adopting as a single parent have given that one some thought, Susan, are there other questions that you think that people should think about to determine if they are ready to be a single parent? Well, we already talked about the finance. You know, that's that's definitely a huge factor. And Lee touched on this too, when there's stress in the home, it filters down, we all bring our IQ into our parenting, it just happens. So you know, aside from that, and then definitely the time management because that has been my biggest challenge. My youngest one that I adopted, I actually adopted her from a dissolution. She is from Colombia, she has cerebral palsy, and she has a whole lot of trauma. So we're dealing with behavioral, we're dealing with, you know, PT, OT speech, she has a private tutor. And it's exhausting. It's truly exhausting. So, you know, the self care and making sure you have that support system. And as you touched on earlier done, making sure that people that say, Yes, we will help you or I will help you really mean that they're that they will do that. Mm hmm. You know, and I think honestly, I really try to tell parents, I really try to instill in every adoptive parent, this is an investment, you're going to pay, whether you pay now or pay later. And when I say you're going to pay, it's, you're investing in this child. And if you invest and you're willing to give up a good you know, a good portion of that free time, and invest in the child and build the relationship and teach them and train them, then it's easier when they're older. And I can I can say that has happened here without a doubt. My children, no mom needs a break. I don't even have to say anything. And they know that mom needs a bit high stocking was filled with spa gift cards. This Chris.

48:48  
They know. And so you really as your and communication is so important. Now it's different when they're younger, it's different when they're babies and you can't reason with them. Then you have to have those, those other things in place so that you you're not exhausted. You're not you're not spent physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. Because that's the balance there. That's what keeps us healthy and able to parent.

49:16  
Yeah, I totally agree. Well, let's move to a slightly not funnier, but let's talk about annoying comments that you may hear as a single parent. Yeah. All right, starting with you, Lee, you want to start us off by if we all grow, but any anyone who has been in the adoption world and talked with single adoptive parents, or single parents in general, but certainly adopting parents. So what are some annoying comments you're bound to hear? Well, I think it's changed a lot from when I adopted my first son to my second son, because I think it was a lot less common than people would actually I can still remember these comments of like, what do you want to ruin your life, not beating around the bush where they know

50:00  
Not at all. And I think I remember thinking of getting the sense early on that there's, there's three people there, three groups of people, you know, there's the people that are going to be supportive and say, Oh, that's, that's wonderful. And there's the people that are going to be sort of hesitant and raise some good questions maybe. And they can be, you know, you can educate them and talk to them over time. And then there's the people that are never going to get it. And and you're beating your head against the wall to try to have them ever get it. And you're just going to have to let it go. But the reason I was laughing was I always remember, a friend of mine was talking about being in the grocery store with her son, and she's Caucasian, he's Hispanic. And somebody went by and said, he must look like his father. And my friend. response was, I think so. And I remember when we all heard that we laughed, because it was, sometimes you'd get these crazy people and you know, you just had to find a way to sort of like, laugh it off, or something, or work around it. But yeah, I mean, in the course of adopting my my two children, and, you know, my oldest son is 38. Now, so that's quite a while shows you how old I am. I mean, things have changed, society has changed, people have changed, people are much more open to the idea of single people adopting or having children by birth. But in the early days, it was people thought, I'll never forget the groups that we ran, I remember one woman coming into one of these, these support groups for single people thinking of adopting, and she said, it's so wonderful to come here, because it's the only place I can come. And when I say I want a child, people don't look at me as if I have two heads. I never forgot. Comment. Yeah, boy, well said, I think that our it has both changed now and not change. Now. I do think that because single parenthood is far more accepted in our society. But I think single parenthood by adoption is less so. And I think that oftentimes, when we say we are that single parenthood is far more accepted. It's single parenthood without marriage, it is a person in a relationship that is choosing to have a child and not be married. I think that has changed. And the acceptance of that has changed dramatically. One of the comments that it says an alternative over to you for an annoying comment, one of the comments that we often hear from single parents who are interested in adopting is the Oh, you haven't Wait, you haven't tried hard enough, you just give it a little more time you're going to find a partner, you're rushing things they are the perfect man is out there, or the perfect woman is out there for you. And so you need to you need to wait. So we certainly, I think that part, people still here, Susan, any other annoying comments that people are still hearing? I'm just gonna piggyback off of what you said. And when somebody says something like that, I usually ask them where they got their crystal ball from exactly that, other than a few racial comments that have been made that I just chalked up to ignorance. The only real hurtful comment that I have ever heard is, why would you take on someone else's problem? And I just simply respond? Do you have any idea what it feels like to lay your head on the pillow at night? And to know that you get to make a difference in the life of that child? Hmm. That's that's the only way I have ever responded to that comment. Yeah.

53:44  
Yeah. And that's, that's a comment very specific to adoption in general. Right. All right, we have talked some about the importance of finding other single parents, that and support groups is just invaluable. There are online groups. There are some there if you're fortunate, particularly living in a larger metropolitan area, there can be in person groups, check something like meetup are some of the other groups some of the other apps like that, that allow you to find people who have similar interest. There are a number of online groups that you can check out and we will list some of those in the in the handout and the outline for this. So any parting thoughts of becoming a single mom through adoption lay and then I will be turning to you, Susan. Well, I often think of it as the most rewarding and wonderful thing I've ever done and also the most challenging

54:51  
and I think both are equally true.

54:54  
I really, the challenges were sometimes the men's rewards were also in

55:00  
And I'm very grateful that I have both of my sons in my life.

55:05  
Susan, you'll get the last word here. And I think Lee said it Well, I think it's it's been challenging and rewarding. And I can say, without a doubt that I would do it all over again. Every bit of it. It was Yeah, it's all been worth it. It's been amazing, an amazing journey. I agree. Thank you, liberon and Susan, from her for being with us today to talk about adopting as a single parent. Let me remind folks, as we always do, that the views expressed on this show are those of the guests and do not necessarily reflect the position of creating a family, our partners or our underwriters. Also, keep in mind that the information given in this interview is general advice. To understand how it applies to your specific situation. You need to work with your adoption or foster care professional. You may know us by our podcasts, obviously, you do because you're listening to this. But do you also know that we have a website chock full of free, expert based trauma informed resources to help you figure out how to adopt and to be the best parents possible to your precious child once you get them home. You can find them all at our website, creating a family.org

56:21  
thanks for joining us today, and I'll see you next week.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai