Creating a Family: Talk about Adoption & Foster Care

How to Do Connected Parenting While Quarantined

May 08, 2020 Creating a Family Season 14 Episode 19
Creating a Family: Talk about Adoption & Foster Care
How to Do Connected Parenting While Quarantined
Show Notes Transcript

How do we apply TBRI during this time of high stress caused by the coronavirus pandemic. We talk with Amanda Purvis, a training specialist with the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development about connected parenting during the shutdown.

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spk_0:   0:07


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Note this is an automatic transcription.  Please forgive the errors.

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spk_1:   2:26
I feel the same way. I feel like it's coming home. So yeah, yeah.

spk_0:   2:32
Um, well and never is there more appropriate time for us to be thinking about connected parenting? Because parenting right now is is harder because of so many reasons, not the least of which is that we're being asked to be a teacher and not a teacher to just one subject, mind you, but every darn subject our kids have, we're also having to be the chief cook and bottle washer for all the meals. And our kids seem to be eating so much, and we're parenting all the time. I mean, it's 24 7 even though we we were, but we had breaks before. We really aren't doing that and and add on top of all the fact that, I mean, we are being isolated for a reason. There is a pandemic going on. So we're worried about, of course, our health and the health of our loved ones, but also the loss of jobs or if we're fortunate to have our job trying to keep it by being able to work at home. So for everything we just mentioned, this is is a stressful time, and connected parenting is more important than ever. So let's zoom. So why? I just said it was more important. Let me give you the opportunity to tell us. Why do you think it's more important right now than ever?

spk_1:   3:41
Well, you're exactly right. An intro ing it that way. With everything that everyone's got on their plate, I think that it can seem like one more thing that we have to do. And in reality, that's not the case at all. Um, I I like to think of connected, parenting assed kind of the foundation for all of those other things that you just talked about for, you know, the foundation for school, the foundation for work, with the foundation, for all of those things. And so I think, really, ultimately, why do we need to do this? Is because when we're connected with our kids and with each other in reality, it's it reduces stress. It reduces anxiety on it, reduces fear. And when we have those things reduced for our kids, then we do see better behaviours, better learning better comprehension. Um, and all of those things that probably most of us are struggling with right now with our kids reduce the more connected that we are.

spk_0:   4:44
And it's circular because when we see our kids doing better, that reduces our stress and and we're able to do better. So it's a It's a circular thing.

spk_1:   4:55
Yeah, you're exactly right. And when when we feel more connected. Ultimately, connection is kind of this kitschy word. But when we're talking about connecting with kids, what that means is having fun. I mean, ultimately, that's it. If you are having fun with your kids, then they feel safe and they feel connected on DSO. Really, What I would say, the most important thing is like, How can we have fun right now on? But what does that look like in this new normal that we're all in on? How do we reduce that stress, anxiety, fear school? You know all of that stuff, and it's by having fun.

spk_0:   5:36
So would this be a recommendation for all? Kids are just kids who have experienced early life trauma.

spk_1:   5:43
That's a great question. I think any time someone hears about T. V. R. I and connected parenting trauma informed all of those things kind of initiates this thought process that this is for kids who have experienced trauma on. And in reality, I think we've done ourselves a disservice in that way because ultimately, what all of this research in science is about is about creating healthy brains and healthy relationships. So, um, it's targeted at kids who have experienced trauma teams who have experienced trauma, but ultimately it works for everyone. It's just that those of us who haven't experienced trauma have most likely already, you know, had all the things that we talk about in trauma, informed parenting or trust based relational intervention. So, uh, that's kind of the difference here. If you do some of the things that we're talking about today with kids who have not experienced trauma, you will only see great results. Eso it's not. And we actually really encourage people that you don't just do this stuff with, You know, let's say if you have multiple kids in your home, some bio and some not you don't just do this with your non biological kids, right? Thank you. This goes across the board. I like to say t beer. I works on anyone, whether it be your spouse, the grocery store clerk, your dog, your kids, that teachers, because in reality, It's just this relational way of doing business.

spk_0:   7:14
So the Okay, so let's talk about. Tell us some of something. Simplify it for us. What are some of the founding principles of connected parenting, as envisioned by Dr Karyn Purvis and her wonderful book, The Connected Child and everybody, if you have not read it, now would be a great time to purchase this and find a time during the shutdown to read it, cause it really would be, ah, bomb for, ah, restless soul right now. But what are some of the founding principles that is not only about in the connected child but also incorporated into trust space? Relational intervention? Which people? Ah, have heard it called t b r I, but that's what it stands for.

spk_1:   7:54
Yeah, so, TVR, I has three principles. But those three principles are built on this foundation of understanding trauma, right? Which I think most people who listen to this have an understanding of what trauma is. Um, we've kind of narrowed it down to these risk factors that kids have experience. So those could be prenatal. If, you know, my own mom had experienced stress or drug abuse. Homelessness, right? Anything that would change the chemicals in biological mom spraying and body. Therefore effects on the growing fetus. So prenatal at birth, uh, and then early hospitalizations like pre verbal early hospitalization and then abuse, neglect, trauma and system effects. So that's kind of what we we define, is trauma and that has a ton of research in history behind it with the Aces study, which people can look up, Um, and that's the adverse childhood experience study. So with all about in mind, um, when we understand that those experiences change the brain, the body, the biology, the behavior and the belief system of kids, uh, then and only then can we utilize the principles of TV awry. Because if you don't understand that those things have been changed in your child as a result of the trauma they have experienced, then you won't buy into the principles of T B R. I. You know, when you have a kid throwing a fed and we say sit down next to them, put an arm around them and see what do you need, buddy, and get them a snack. You're gonna think we're crazy, unless you understand that their brain looks different because of X, Y and Z. Therefore, a dose of protein will change the neurotransmitter levels in their brain, which will then help them to calm down and will help their learning and comprehension around whatever you need to teach them or help them through in that moment. But if you don't understand that that trauma has changed that brain, then you're not. You're going to say, I'm not gonna get my kid a stack right now. That would be, you know, encouraging the

spk_0:   10:05
exact right, spoiling them rotten. We're not going to do that.

spk_1:   10:08
So there's kind of that foundation first is understanding that there they are working from a different place, then people who haven't experienced trauma. Um, so once we are at that place together, then we can talk about the three principles which are the connecting principles, which are our foundation and those air based in attachment theory and understanding. Attachment research shows that most kids who have been in foster care or have been adopted have attachment stuff, and so understanding attachment is vital to building a healthy connection. When we think about and Norm like the normal way a baby comes into the world. We spend at least two years just connecting with that baby before we ever begin really correcting their behavior. Right? And when there, too. And they first grab that toy from another friend and we say, No, no, no, right. We've already had two years of falling in love with that baby on and connecting at a deep, deep level on dso again, thinking through what is attachment look like with our kids on. And we do that through the engagement principles and then through the mindfulness principles and very quickly the engagement principles have to do with, you know, I contact touch, voice, all of those things, and they look different if you're talking to a teenager or a six year old. But the principles are still the same. So how do we do that? How do we know all of that stuff is explained in the book, like you said? Or in our resource is, um, and then I think we'll probably get into some of it today as well, and then the mindfulness principles. And that's a huge piece of T. B. R. I, um, is understanding where we're at as caregivers and what we are seeing the behaviors through, because what we say is we see the child in front of us through our own history. And so it's really hard for me to be able to identify your needs if all I can see is my past and what my history tells me about the situation in front of me. Um and so we talked about being present in the moment and then understanding what we bring to the table based on our history and also based on our current circumstances, which is a huge piece of what we'll talk about today with Corona, right? Our current circumstances look different than they ever have. So, you know, you mentioned in the intro about losing a job or having your job, but now, having to do it while teaching your Children at home, right? Um, just that alone. But if we don't talk about the pandemic, if we don't talk about you know this dress, just that piece alone is effects. All of us, whether we wanted to or not and therefore affects the way that we're seeing our Children, Um so that that is foundational for TB. Rise owning are part of every interaction that we have with Children.

spk_0:   13:13
I think that it's so fun. I think owning what we bring to the table is is so crucial and it's so easy to overlook because it's we live in the world, we live and we live in the body in the mind and the in the mind set in the temperament in the personality, uh, that that's where we're coming from and we see in our history, and we see it all from that perspective and being able to step out of that and recognize that part of what we're seeing is because of our history and because of how we respond to stress or how we respond to the stress of of finances, how we respond to the stress of of of possible illness or of loss of life, which is something is unnatural. But there's some of us who have had past histories that make this time particularly stressful. And so we're bringing additional stress and how we view success like all of a sudden, are we being judged is apparent because, you know, our kid is the one kid who the teacher is calling, saying, you know, Johnny is not paying attention an online class or Johnny didn't come in or John. He's not doing his assignment or or whatever. And, uh and how does that reflect on us? And how does that how is our How do we view it as reflecting on us?

spk_1:   14:30
Yeah, yeah, you're exactly right. And that really is the definition of mindfulness, right? The ability toe step outside of ourselves in the moment and perceived. You know, the entire interaction from different people's point of views. So you're absolutely right. Um so that's that's our foundation. Is that connection? Peace and mindfulness and engagement. Then we move up to empowering Onda. We believe that we have to empower kids, brains and bodies through our physiological strategies. And then we have to empower their environment through ecological strategies. So that has to do with understanding sensory needs, sensory input, understanding, you know, hydration, blood, sugar, you know, food and nutrition. How all of that plays into effect for our Children. When we talk about how it trauma changes their bodies and their biology, a lot of that comes into effect here on and then, you know, empowering their environments. How do we create an environment where they can succeed based on their individual needs. So that's our empowering principles. And so when we again think about, you know, being on lock down in our homes and, you know, not able like all of you know what that look looks like, uh, knowing that we have kids who need to move their bodies who need to be outside, you know, all of that. Um, And then we get to our correcting principles, so we know that there will be behaviors that we have to deal with. But how can we first of all, do it proactively? And that's where we put a ton of emphasis and TV era is our proactive teaching, right, because discipline means to teach. So how can we teach, uh to these behaviors? And then we do have to respond. And so when we respond to behaviors, this is how we do it. So that's kind of in a nutshell. TVR I

spk_0:   16:26
And you know, one of the things that that I will put it as as in the side. I think there is a lot of misunderstanding between that that connected parenting or attachment parenting or t b r. I means basically living. The kids do whatever they want to miss it. It's it permissive and I will say 100%. I was fortunate enough to interview Dr Purvis a number of times. I can't remember how many now, three or four, and that is so not what she is saying. Um, if there's nothing permissive about it, it's just a different. But it's the foundation is teaching and but still having expectations. So,

spk_1:   17:09
yeah, you're exactly right. We talk about the structure, nurture balance, Andi. I think that often times we as parents are pretty high structure, many of us. But then when we were in my hair, I yeah me to throw. Then then when we hear t bear I for the first time, we just all we hear is the nurture aspect of it. But really, what TV rise? This balance, we say. You know, if you take one, if you lead with structure, that's fine. But the next step has to be nurture and then structure and then nurture. And it's this dance that we're doing all day long on, and kind of my note is that's why we're exhausted every night, right? Because we're dancing all and I heard all day long on were structure. Just think about getting like a three year old to get his shoes on and get in the car, right? You're like, No, you can't bring 75 stuffed animals. No, we're gonna put on the shoot notes that got good darn socks on. Yeah, we're just dancing. You know, that's a 39 step dance to get their shoes on rain. So, uh, and

spk_0:   18:19
when they're three, sometimes you just picked their little butts up, slap him into the car seat, strapped them in and say I'll deal with it later. But not so easy when they're 68 10 12. Whatever. So you're dancing harder as a oh, as they age. Yeah,

spk_1:   18:35
And then they learn how to dance. Right? So darn it you got That's, um that's part of the fun eso all that to say is TV rise really high structure and we're also really high nurture on dso Those have to come evenly if we lead with too much nurture, we impede growth. If we have too much structure, we impede trust. And so, you know, it really is this balancing dance that we're doing and Some of us are really good at one of those and we have to be more proactive and doing the other one.

spk_0:   19:13
I think most of us have one side that we do better at. And ah, yes. So we have Teoh. One is more natural to us. Ah, and it probably has a bit to do or not a bit, but probably a lot to do with how we were raised. Exactly. Yeah, that coming back into the mindfulness part.

spk_1:   19:31
Yeah, And then we can even get into in this time. You know, if your co parenting, what does it look like? You know, when one parent, you know, moves into the high structure and then the other parent, you know, gets nervous and moves into the high nurture and you know, so, yeah, there's a lot of dynamics that play,

spk_0:   19:48
All right, So let's apply it to some specific situation that our communities, that situations that our community has sent in All right, the 1st 1 kids fighting with each other constantly, but especially at the end of the day.

spk_1:   20:05
So with each of these problems, when I would encourage everyone to think through is through those three lenses of How can we connect? How come we empower and how can we correct in each of these situations? So, um, for me, when I think about kids fighting throughout the day and at the end of the day, it kind of gets, you know, to its peak when they're little, we call that the witching hour, right? That's

spk_0:   20:29
one way to say it. There's other words, but go ahead. I think I called it the arsenic our but go ahead.

spk_1:   20:35
OK, uh, but with that in mind, you know, how are we connecting with each of our kids individually throughout the day? What does that look like? Some of our kids need to start off their day with a point of connection. So, like I have one, kiddo, who, if I don't greet him in the morning a specific way and spend even if it's just two minutes of one on one, you know, nurturing time with him than that, does it? No. Then our day gets off to a terrible start. So what does that look like? Um, so how are we connecting throughout the day when we think about kids fighting? What I think about is a lot of energy and not a good place to put it. Um And so what? What are some structured activities that we can do, um, to get these kids moving their bodies physically on and it might be separate. That's okay. Uh, when When we talk about understanding our kids and how they're history plays into this whole game, sometimes they're gonna be siblings who are butting heads all the time. And I often find that those air kids who have differing usually opposing sensory profiles So we might have a kid who's really, really touchy feely and always wants to be next to someone and touching them. And, you know, all of that physical contact stuff is really life giving to them. And then we might have a sibling who that is life sucking, right being touched, being, you know, is really alerting to them and sends them kind of into that doubtless stairs, fight, flight or freeze Spring. Uh, it could be one kid who's really, really loud because since three wise, that helps them to process. And one kid who hates loud noise or constant noise. So sometimes even just understanding our kids better will help again us change our freedom of thinking around the behavior. If this is a sensory issue where I have two kids butting heads, is there just opposing and how they process the world, then I need to respond to that differently than if theater to board kits. Right? So, you know, really getting up the why behind the behavior are these kids who are driving each other nuts because they look at the world differently. And if so, I need to give different activities for those kits, right? This kid might need to go outside and have some quiet time Read a book in the hammock. This kid might need to go downstairs and jump in the jump castle. Um and and that's okay. In those times, they don't have to be together. Or if they're bored, what activity can we do together and and how much can I be involved? Slash Do I want to be involved? And that goes into that caregiver piece of, you know, what are we doing for ourselves and how are we balancing all of this?

spk_0:   23:22
And quite frankly, parents, especially at the end of the day, don't want, for the most part do not want to be. I used to always say that there's no quality parenting going on in my house from 5 to 7526 after you after dinner, you would kind of shift into better quality, but yeah. So, yeah, at that point, I don't really want to. OK, so keep going. Walk us through. So you've identified what the issues are, right?

spk_1:   23:46
Right. So one thing I would say to what you just said is that's okay. I think that we all have in our mind this idea that we're supposed to be parenting at 100% 100% of the time. And that's why we all feel like failures. So I just first want people to hear me say, uh, that's not a good bar for yourself. You need to lower the bar.

spk_0:   24:09
Oh, don't worry. I definitely lowered the bar

spk_1:   24:13
on. So, like, maybe it's like if this is the hard time in your kid's day, Maybe the answer is this is when we do electron ICS.

spk_0:   24:21
It says that was my answer. Yeah, yeah, I said TV are our computer games are video games. There is. They are an effective baby sitter and we don't use them and other times in our house. But between five and six that screen time.

spk_1:   24:39
Yeah, and that's perfect. That's a perfect example to me where everybody is feeling successful and happy about it. No one's feeling like the bad kid or the bad parent at the end of that, right? You gotta break. They got a break from each other. Maybe this is the time when we use that. I don't think that electron ICS are evil. If we're, you know, using the proper amount of time and all those things. And guess what the proper amount of time might be different during Corona.

spk_0:   25:07
You know, I'm so glad you said that, and we will we will actually will come. But we're gonna wait, cause that's I mean, that was one of the situations that can

spk_1:   25:15
Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so, so connecting. You know, have we connected with these kids? Do they feel connected to us? And do they feel connected to each other? Does there need to be some sort of relational repair that we need to maybe help them through in that moment? Sometimes just us coming in and for 3 to 5 minutes. Kind of not refereeing, but helping kids to communicate to each other. You hurt my feelings an hour ago in the pool when you call me a name. So now I'm refusing to play soccer with you just to make you mad because I'm still hurt, Right? So that's something that I can fix, and then they can go on about the soccer game. Um, so helping, you know that connection, if that's it. Right. So we check with we check in with ourselves and with each of the kids, Have we connected where we at with that? Um and then we empower them physiologically so where their brains and bodies that this might be a time when they need a snack. Uh, if just like electron ICS can sometimes be an easy answer, so can a protein rich stack. Sometimes it just takes some peanut butter pretzels or, you know, some avocado dip and, um, carrots. And then suddenly they've come up with a new game and off they go. Eso Is this a time when I can either increase their protein intake or their hydration levels during this time? If we want to think about it, through the correction lens being proactive. Hey, if we're realizing at 4 30 or five every day, just we are all tanking than at 4 15 I'm gonna be serving up a snack and making a plan with everybody, right? Hey, while we eat our you know, guacamole and carrots. Do you guys want to play soccer before dinner? Do you each need, you know, 45 minutes on a screen? You know what are what are your choices and giving choices? So that's when we get into that Proactive peace is giving choices to kids and adding in some structure to what the next hour and 1/2 before dinner is gonna look like.

spk_0:   27:18
Where is it? Okay, excellent. All right. You ready for the next situation? Okay, well, this is a big when we have quite a few ah, different ways that this plays out. I'm sure this will come as a total surprise to you. Meltdowns over schoolwork. So Ah, we're all home schooling. Our kids. Ah, at this point. So Ah, we have a number of different scenarios that have been situations that have been sent in better, particularly stressful one, not finishing assignments. And we did not put toe ages around this. So if you need to qualify ah, feel free to anyway, not finishing assignments. So the school has set up assignments and the, uh this in this case, it is a ah ladder Elementary age or beginning fifth or sixth grader. Eso not finishing their assignments.

spk_1:   28:17
So, uh, a couple things around that before I say anything about school, I just want to say that I have five Children who were currently home schooling from middle school to elementary school age. And three of them have diagnosis like extreme learning things happening. So I am speaking from someone who is in the trenches with you all s o my ideas. I hope they don't sound Teoh Hadi your high flying because I'm literally trying all the things today. So with that in mind, in terms of later, later elementary school specifically putting that age range on this the first thing I would say is again taking our trauma informed lens most of our kids, even if they hadn't experienced trauma up into this point, we're now nationally globally experiencing a trauma so understanding that one of the first things that we lose when we're stressed is our organizational thinking and our strategic thinking. So I currently have 1/6 grader who his teacher gives them assignments on Monday that are due on Friday. And he just gets, you know, a big list of assignments better than do at the end of the week. And he absolutely does not have the ability to figure out what each day should look like or how to complete any of those assignments. Uh, I have a second grader who can do that on her own, so I have to have different bars for each of my kids for him. I literally need toe walk through. Okay for this project, here's what we're going to do on Monday. Here's what we're gonna do on Tuesday. Here's what we're gonna and I have to do that piece for him right out because my bars at a different place for him than it is for my second grader, Um, and and that's how it ISS on. And if I didn't do that, he wouldn't complete that. I do that and there are still assignments he doesn't complete. And so just to kind of give my overall thing about school and If my kids are not connected to me at the end of the Corona virus, I will have a lifelong issue with my Children. If my if their attachment is not healthy and they do not feel safe in my home, we will have lifelong ramifications. If he misses the last six weeks of school, we will not have lifelong remember nations. Um, our our school sent out a video, and the principal has a ruler, and it's, you know, the 12 and Truell Er, and she said, You know, this month and 1/2 this two months is literally a centimeter and 1/2 in the 12 years of your Children's learning. Please give yourself grace a

spk_0:   31:12
very wise principle.

spk_1:   31:14
She I love my Children school. Uh, but all that to say this is I cannot stress enough that if it's too hard, don't do it because life is too hard right now and we have to keep living. So

spk_0:   31:29
I said, I want people. I could not agree with you more, and I feel sometimes, like I'm beating my head against a wall when I keep saying so. Don't do the assignments just and talk to the schools and say My kid is really struggling right now. We're not going to do I'm going to do. We will do 1/3 or 1/2 or five or whatever. You know, we're gonna we're going to set our own. I'm gonna set my own bar here and it's not going to be where yours is,

spk_1:   32:02
and I'm gonna change it every day. Yeah, exactly. There are some days when you know we can get a lot done and everybody is doing great. And then there are other days where it's like, never mind. Let's go play outside because we can. We can actually make up for this all in an hour of not fighting for the next four hours. You know, like if we go out and have fun in the backyard right now and come back and three hours, we can get done what we needed to in a very short amount of time. We're all connected and in a better place and also like, there's something called the School of Life. So if my kids aren't going to do math, like sometimes my choices are, Hey, if you don't want to do Khan Academy today, then you can help me make the brownies at dinner. And that means you're gonna be measuring. You're gonna be figure. You know, I'm only going to give you 1/2 cup, and you need 1.5 cups until you have to figure out. Right. And we just think, and that's their math for the day. And I'm not going to tell the teacher anything.

spk_0:   33:02
Well, unless, of course, then you may have to, because if the teacher can see that the assignment was not done then Ah, and you're the one who said to the kid, Yeah. Okay, we're doing the brownies tonight. We're gonna blow this off you, then. Yeah, but I'm finding that teachers are much more accepting than people that parents are anticipating.

spk_1:   33:21
I haven't had one teacher pushed back on anything, and I think that honestly, I feel for teachers right now, so I cannot imagine what they've gone through, you know? So just even that in and of itself, like I think they are expecting us to give them grace right now. And so they're really welcomed. Yeah. That's great.

spk_0:   33:46
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Okay, let's talk about, uh I'm going to say it both ways not being able are not being willing toe work independently because sometimes it's hard to tell. Are they not working independently because they're not able are because they would rather just have a sit there with them when, honestly, we would like to be doing something else while they're doing this. Their

spk_1:   34:10
school? Um Yep. I have some of those s o. Here's Here's what we've done with that is when we are able and willing, we sit there, and when we aren't, we don't, um and we get done What we get done that a, um and sometimes that means, like I have a 14 year old who is a biological child who will not complete an assignment unless I am sitting there making sure otherwise he turns in blank assignments so that all I see is that he turned it and but then when I open it, it's blank, Right? Unless I've been sitting there and so because he's figured out how to skirt the system, Um, so, like, if I'm not sitting there, So I told him I will give you an hour a day, um, to sit here with you and help you through some of this. And he's like, I don't need your help. I I'm fully aware. That's why I'm only going to give you an hour. Day. Um so, like the structure there is, I'm going to give you an hour. So you pick what you need my help with or don't need my help with and want me to just sit here and watch you dio uh and the nurture is, but I'm gonna be there right on. And so that's our structure. Nurture balance with him. Um, with my third grader, he he needs me to turn in the assign. I can give him the assignment, and he'll do it, but the actual i e t around turning it in and write all that piece I need to do so It's again structuring some of our time and expectations of our Children. End of ourselves. So if you have multiple kids in your home, we have found we first started doing this where we were all trying to do it at once. It was too much for that. My husband and I way we couldn't balance it all in our heads because we have five kids who each have eight subjects, right? Do the mass. We couldn't figure it. I

spk_0:   36:08
can't do the mass. And that's the problem. That's why I'm struggling with doing that. Help. Go ahead.

spk_1:   36:15
I definitely don't know how to do the math. The correct way

spk_0:   36:19
to come up with an answer? Yeah. Thank Miss. You have to go back to my multiplication tables. Go ahead.

spk_1:   36:25
So all that to say, like we realized. OK, we're going to do these two first and we sit down with two kids for an hour and we can almost get them done the next to take a couple more hours. But we sit there for an hour with them and the other our we don't. Then we do our, you know, And so for us. But then in four hours we can get it done. But we're not trying to do everybody at once. It was too much for us. We were too stressed. We were yelling at the kids. The kids were fine. We were not So So we you know. But it's gonna look different. Give yourself Grace. Give your kids grace. They don't wanna learn online. Just like you don't want to teach them online. Right? like this is not their preferred learning method either. If you do have a kid who this is their preferred learning method Congrats, Eyes

spk_0:   37:17
just going to say we just don't say anything right now, okay? Because, well, you know, And it also changes as to what's happening in your house. If you are both your you and yours, your partner do. You and your partner are both trying to work from home. It's going to look differently there, too, because you might be using time when there you might be having your computer sitting there doing checking emails while they're doing again. You're going to have to adjust what your expectations are for everybody.

spk_1:   37:49
Yeah, way. Always say, you know, fast, fluid and flexible like you have to be those three things when your parenting kits from drama the flexibility piece could not be more important right out. We have just got to be flexible. And luckily, most of our work, you know, peas. I think employers are really being flexible right now understanding that parents are doing the best they can. So just allowing yourself some grace,

spk_0:   38:19
Okay? Another situation was brought up, was resisting the parent as a teacher hearing from them. You're not my teacher. Not as good as Miss Jones. You're not. You're not, as you know, you know, do it the right way. You're not saying it the right way or whatever.

spk_1:   38:33
So, um, what I would say is, if this is bothering you, it's all about you. And you just have got to get that off for your, You know, Um, there, Right. Mr Jones is better than you at teaching the mask. She is probably better teacher because she signed up to be their teacher. And you did it. Um, So if they're saying that the best thing you can do is just agree you're right. I wish that this wasn't but like, this wasn't our reality. And

spk_0:   39:03
I am baking Miss Jones a pie. And as soon as I can get it to her, she's going to get it. Okay, Hats off.

spk_1:   39:12
Yeah, I just I think, um, that is a part of kids expressing how they feel. And we have to be okay with negative feelings and positive feelings and the negative feelings air. Okay. Just like you're mad that you have to teach them right now, they're mad. That you have to teach, so be okay with it. Don't take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. And the way we learned masses way better. Wait. No, they don't care. They do not hear that that we can do it much faster and much easier. Yeah,

spk_0:   39:52
and it makes a lot more sense. Okay, way. Just

spk_1:   39:58
have toe. Let that stuff go. Um, and whatever that looks like for you if that means you need to go for a run halfway through school toe, let it go or go for a walk or go, you know, have a beverage in the backyard alone. You know, whatever that looks like for you as a parent to just let some of that go cause it's so not personal, Just like 90% of things that teenagers say aren't personal. It's, you know, this isn't personal. It's not about you on it has everything to do with their frustration with the system right now, or

spk_0:   40:31
they're smart enough to know that you're going to take the bait and and then they won't get in, and then they are gonna have to be doing their work because they're going to be discussing how they shouldn't be telling you You're not as good. So yeah, they've either outsmarted you are. They're just expressing their frustration. And either way, it's not that there's no win in this for you.

spk_1:   40:50
Yeah, Yeah. If that becomes a button for you, they'll push it because, yeah, because buttons equal power. And when they're feeling powerless, all they have to do is push your buttons, and then they're in control of this situation. So don't don't let that be a button.

spk_0:   41:05
What about, um, the resisting or tantrum ing when it comes time to do schoolwork?

spk_1:   41:14
So what I would do is after that's all over, I would proactively So going to our correcting principal proactively make a plan for the next day around. What is it gonna look like using your child and their voice? So saying, Okay, listen, buddy, we're not gonna do school today. Let's make a plan for tomorrow, and you get to tell me what do you want to have for breakfast? Here's your choices. Maybe after breakfast. What if we did? Right and whatever. I'm making this up as I go a lot. You don't have to do it this way. but making a plan with the child where they have a voice. That tantrum has everything to do with them feeling completely out of control. All you know, all of the regularly scheduled life husband cancel. And so they are feeling completely. And for our kids, especially, that is so, so trickery. And so giving them as much voice is possible around what the schedule will look like. So, uh, okay. Tomorrow, what do you need for breakfast? A or B? Okay, then we'll do, Let's say an hour of work. And then where do you wanna play soccer In the backyard. Or do you want to go to outside the fence to the green space? Okay. After we do that, we'll do an hour more of school, and then I'll make lunch. Do you want this or this? Right? And giving them a voice in what the schedule will look like, I think will greatly decrease that. And then again, just letting them express themselves. I don't want to do school. I don't wanna learn online. I hate this. I hate that. You're my teacher. I hate you, E. I hear you. I hear you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that this is the way the year has had to end. I'm so sorry when we think about for our kids how transitions air so important. There was zero transition to this right? And so we just triggered everything for them. They don't get to say goodbye to their teachers the right way. They didn't get to say goodbye to their friends the right way. We have no time bring to give them around what this will look like when this will end, when life will return to normal. So of course, our kids are being triggered off course. That's why I'm saying, like the bar has to be so low for our kids right now when it comes to school, because every fear of theirs has just been triggered. And so what can that look like moving forward

spk_0:   43:42
and that it won't. We won't always let us hope be in this space. So a low bar now does not mean a low bar forever. Right? All right. The next situation said you have a fortune yearly. May appreciate some of this teen staying up all night and then sleeping all day.

spk_1:   44:02
Um, so some of my answers probably Arnas as gentle as they should be, but

spk_0:   44:10
it's getting a little too close to come

spk_1:   44:12
here, man. Well, here's what I mean is if they're staying up all night, you know, if they're staying up all night, um, they obviously have access to things to keep them up all night. And if you're not okay with that, then change that. Um, if if you are OK with that and they want to flip their schedule right now, let them. But, like for me, like, my teenager does not have a phone or a computer after 8 p.m. At night. So he's really bored by about 9 30 so that's not gonna happen with him. If he did have his computer or phone, you better believe he would be up all night mind games, talking to friends, you know? Of course he will. Uh, so you have to decide how much power you want to give them around that. And if you do decide that in your family, that's okay. And that's a a battle you're not gonna fight. Then you have to live with the consequences. Like what I say is choose the hell you want to die on because once you choose that, you will die there, right? So So if that's you know, if that's not important to you, then let them put their schedule, let them stay up all night and gets another if they're getting their schoolwork done, whatever that looks like for them. But if they're not or that is important to you, then don't allow them access to the things that are keeping them up all night cause like my you know, my 14 year old has a novel in his room, and that's it. So you know, he falls asleep around 9 30 or 10 every night, reading his book

spk_0:   45:39
better. OK, excellent. Let me pause here and say to you that this show is brought to you with the support of our underwriter, the jockey Being Family Foundation. Hope for the future is what drives the mission of jockey being helping to provide crucial post adoption support to all adoptive families so that they can remain strong and together forever. They believe that every child deserves to experience unconditional love of a family, and they aim to make that dream a reality for all help support them and their mission. Please go to their website jockey being family dot com slash donate All right, we are talking today about how connected parenting looks in during this time of shutdown, and we're going through scenarios that have been suggested by our community. And so ah, what in the next one that comes up and we started talking about it sooner. How do you deal with battles over screen time? Ah, we've been told. I mean, you can't pick up a magazine and not read about how damaging screen time is and how we should be limiting it. And ah, and yet, right now we're our kids, and we're all under a lot of stress. So what? Where? Discreet, Where do screens? And then that would include video games, any type of screen, their phone? Quite frankly, um, TV, the whole thing. How does that fit into parenting? And how do we deal with battles that become enraged over screen time?

spk_1:   47:16
Right now, I think that maybe the the message of this whole call is that we're lowering the bar, right? So what is what is screen time look like for for us in our families and creating maybe a new normal during our new normal. So for us before the this whole episode on my kids had one hour of screen time on Wednesdays and Fridays and Saturdays. So three days a week they had one hour of screen time. Right now, they all have at least an hour a day. And there are some days when I have extra calls or I have, um, a ton more work to do or my husband is gone. And so I have to do everything where they're getting more than that on. And I have just for us. I've said for now that's gonna be okay. That is not our long term goal is a family. But from now, that's that's what it's gonna be. Um, obviously, there's tons of safety protocols and you know all those things in place around screens for our family. But I have lowered the bar there on, and there are days when they get more because I need them toe, have more

spk_0:   48:33
use it. What I say is, use it judiciously. Don't just allow it to happen anytime and whenever, but when you need it, use it and because you're not giving it to him, all the time when you need a break because you just really are what we've got to work. Let's say you've got a project that has to be finished that day and you need time to work. Well, because they haven't just They didn't start the day with screen. So then when you offer it to him at one oclock, it still has its entertainment value. Ah, and yeah, and then I don't think screens are the enemy. And I don't think what we do now is necessarily going to be reflective of what we do. Hopefully next month,

spk_1:   49:11
right? That's exactly right. And I originally when all this started I because school is online, I was like, Well, they're already on screen so much, you know, we're not gonna have any screen time after school. And then what I found happening was they were rushing through their school to say, Look, I was only on the screen for an hour and 1/2 for you know, so So could I still have 30 minutes or, you know, And so then I realized, like, I can't count that against them. That there on the screen for school, So I mean when we do it normal in normal life, when they come home from school, everybody needs a reset. So, you know, you have a snack, and then you have 30 minutes on the screen. You watch a funny you know, sitcom, whatever it is. And then we go on about our lives. Eso Now, that's what we've done. Like when we're done with school, you go outside and you have a snack, and then you come in and you can have, you know, your screen time, and then we go and have fun. Yes. Yeah, just be We have a lot to stress about. Yeah, this I don't think needs to be one of them right now.

spk_0:   50:18
Yeah. And the other thing you know, as your as your your Children's principal said this period of time in our Children's life is a millimeter, you know, in their life and the doubt of damage that that extra screen time is going to do is it's not going to kill him.

spk_1:   50:36
Well and honestly, if it's with more damaging, if we are losing our cool with our kids and, you know, causing relational riffs. So if that means that you need them to have more screen time that day because that's how you're taking care of you that is actually helping your kids. So look at it that way. Tell your you know, your mother in law you

spk_0:   51:03
don't tell your mother in law or your mother. Uh, even that you're doing it. Just Yeah, they know if our kids don't have screen time, huh?

spk_1:   51:12
Yeah, but that's I mean, if that's how you take care of you, then I am 100% for it. Because if you're not taking care of you, your kids will deeply, deeply suffer.

spk_0:   51:22
Yeah, and that's a perfect Segway into, you know, you had talked about we also, we have to recognize what we as as the parents are bringing to the table and that includes the stress that we're under right now. And if we're stressed about our job or were stressed about ah, a looming recession or depression or whatever or you know, or the second wave or whatever it is that that is that is stressing us out. We are our abilities to cope. Our ability to be connected with our Children is lowered because we're walking into this with ah high level. And if anything else, that should give us some appreciation for our poor kiddos who have come from trump traumatic backgrounds. And you know their level of stress and is set at a higher level. So use if nothing else, try to have a little self awareness to realize that this gives us it an inkling in tow what they may be experiencing on everyday basis. But ah, so how do we take care of ourselves? Ah, and I love the fact that part of it may be lowering your rules as far as what the you know, the the amount of screen time your kids have, because if they are absorbed in screens, it gives you a break and ah, do it judiciously so that you're choosing when it happened. So that's really nourishing to you, if that's why you're doing

spk_1:   52:47
yeah, yeah, um, I feel like we could talk for an hour about this because it's so vital and written in reality, it's really foundational toe everything else that we're talking about, because if you're not okay, your kids will not be OK and their gun and and that's just the bottom like I mean, that's neuroscience that's attachment research. You know, everything says that if we is the caregivers. Air stress, tired burnout, scared, fearful. Whatever it is, our kids know that, and they feel that, and then they respond from that place. That's how they're designed to be. So maybe, you know, maybe here, self care plan is realizing that everyone is operating in your home based on you know, where you're at. And so what? What does your whole house need to do to get you to a healthy place? Um, and that might mean a week off of school, right? Like we're going to take a vacation, tell, you know, email The teachers were on vacation next week. Um, and you know, and that's what you do to get yourself in a good place. My husband and I talk a lot about, and this idea came from Bernet Brown's family Gap plan. But this idea is when you are co parenting. There are days when you absolutely cannot bring 100% of yourself to the table. And that's okay if your co parenting than you have that discussion about, you know, Hey, here up today I can bring 50% and you know your partner might say Good cause I got I only got 50% today to perfect. Then we're good to go. But if I'm coming to the table with 20% and my partner's coming to the table with 20% and that means we have a 60% gap, right? And so what are we doing about that and making a plan? Maybe that's the day when we're doing extra screen time writer. Maybe that's the day that we're having a Star Wars movie marathon more. You know what is what does that look like on DWhite? Is your plan for that? And along those lines as well In T Bear I we talk a lot about passing the baton and the idea that there are times when your kids will be pushing your buttons because you're not in a good place, your because of your history or whatever it might be, and that it's OK to pass the baton if you have that. The ability to do that, meaning you do have someone else to pass the baton to, um, and as long as at the end of it, you come back around and circle back and reconnect with that child. So, um, you know, doing that, And then what are you doing When either you've passed the baton or you've, you know, taking a time out yourself and you're in your room. What are you actually doing to feel better? Because if if scrolling social media doesn't help you to feel better, let's not just veg out for 30 minutes and scroll social media, right? What is it that helps you to feel better on being really honest with yourself? You know, does that mean taking a walk? Does that mean calling a friend or a family member? Does that mean, you know, going out, like, for us? You know, going for to me. Ah, hike is there's nothing better in the world. And I can still do that right now. So what that looks like on some days for me is saying I need that afternoon to myself and going for a hike on. Sometimes I'll bring one or two kids that that feels really different than the seven of us going on a hike. Uh, and so what does what does What do you do to fill your bucket? First of all, if you don't know. You need to figure it out. Second of all, most likely many of the things you used to do you now cannot. Or or that's changed, right? Like so my husband our gap plan was you know, when he when he needs a break, he goes to the gym. Well, there's no gym anymore. So, um so what does that look like for him Now, um, for me, you know, it's it was going to see a friend. Well, I can go for a walk and talk to my friend on the phone right now. So I will do that, huh? But what are those things for you? Do you have a safe place to that? Because if you don't, then you will Then to your Children, right? It's okay to vent out. It's not Kate. Event that. So you know, who is it that you're calling and saying I'm a terrible teacher. Hate teaching? I don't write or

spk_0:   57:12
us. I have terrible Children. I want you to know I would be a better teacher. Didn't have terrible total right. It's them, not may. Yeah, right. That's venting out. Not down.

spk_1:   57:23
Right. So exempt out. That's fine. Who is that person for you? Um, and do that. And if you don't have that person call someone and say I mean I mean, I had someone called me today and say this is event. Please listen. Domer spot. And I was, like, got it right. Like, don't hold me accountable for anything. I'm about to say I probably don't need it, But right now I really need it, you know, and having those relationships. So figuring out what that looks like for you on and giving herself a lot of, you know, I was talking to my grandma who is 93 on the phone and she said, Oh, um, and I bet she could hear me doing dishes and she said, Oh, I bet you're in the kitchen all day long from cooking, you know, all day for the kids. And I said, I don't cook anymore on. And I love to cook. I love to cook, but I'm not doing that right now. All I'm doing is preparing meals. I'm preparing frozen pot stickers. You know, turkey and cheese Sandwich is cutting apple. I'm just like a sushi chef, right? I'm not actually making any good food because that would be too stressful to me. Toe. Have to go to the grocery store and figure out the ingredients and multiple stores right now. And and for many people right now cooking. Is there relief in their outlet? For me right now, that's not. It's too stressful and overwhelming with the amount of kids I have to feed and how quickly they're going through food. So I am buying a ton of frozen food and hot dogs, and you know things like that. Um, and thats I've had to lower the bar there because I would rather heat up 10 hot dogs for lunch and throw away seven paper towels as their plates. Then I would, you know, Teoh to make a meal, and that's taking care of me, and

spk_0:   59:17
that's OK. And that's goes back to saying what you're doing now. So hopefully come June, you can get back in cooking if you want to. You may actually get used to this and say, You know what? There's something to this, but and so give you that's that is the giving yourself grace, which is to say, we're all coping right now the best way we can How can I take care of myself? What can I let go of? And if If cooking gives you pleasure, or if eating you don't want to eat the hot dog, you know, it's like, OK, no, thank you. I'd rather spend the time to cook because I really want a you know, a chickpea stew or whatever. Then fine. But that's not you. So you're not doing it

spk_1:   59:56
right? Oh, no. My husband is buying us really nice food out and getting it delivered. And we have really great.

spk_0:   1:0:05
Now I like you all the more a man. That's what I would have done because I really liked good food. But, you know, Yeah, I would absolutely, in fact, have done that in the past because we didn't have Lunchables often that when I would buy my kids thought the biggest treat in the world was a Lunchables. So we were on vacation. They would get Lunchables in the evening and we would get take out of a really nice meal.

spk_1:   1:0:31
Yeah, that's that's exactly what we do. And they my kids are loving it cause we don't eat hot dogs and, like I bought pop charts, the other day and like my kids, really? I've always heard

spk_0:   1:0:41
of these. These armies, if you want the best mom in the world

spk_1:   1:0:47
and that's, like, totally feeding their souls right now, I'm just letting it. Yeah?

spk_0:   1:0:53
Yeah, and it'll just be honest, and you could spend more money on your really nice meal that you're getting, you know? Yes, we probably sound like, really not too good parenting expert right here. But I actually don't agree. I think that knows good parenting. That's taking care of nurturing. We've got to be self nurturing now, so I actually think it's brilliant, so

spk_1:   1:1:18
Well, I'm with you then. Yeah, me too.

spk_0:   1:1:23
Well, thank you so much for being with us today to talk about this. Both is really important topic and also cause I just really enjoyed talking with you. Uh, this is I do think this is something that that this is a topic that we absolutely have to. We have to get the message out for let me pause and just thank tomb or of our partners. These air agencies that believe in our mission of providing interviews like this to you both for pre adoptive families, but also posted option in pre foster and post foster eso. These agencies believe in our mission and are willing to support us. One of them is Children's connection there in adoption agency, providing services for domestic infinite option. An embryo donation adoption throughout the U. S. As well as providing home study in post adoption support to families in Texas. And we also have adoption from the heart they for the past over 35 years. Actually, they have helped create over 7000 families through domestic infinite option adoptions from the heart can also provide home study only services. They work with people all across the US and are fully licensed in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York, Delaware, Virginia and Connecticut. Now Amanda. For people who want more information about connected parenting and about T b R I, which is trust based relation Elin Prevention, where would they go to get that?

spk_1:   1:2:53
So you can go to our website, which is child dot TCU, Texas Christian university dot edu On that website has a resource is link. We also have a YouTube channel that Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development, with lots and lots of videos and things on there and right now for the next. I think 60 days you can get a bunch of our resource is on our website for free that we're offering. So t beer. I wanna one, which is like an online classroom for TB. Rye for free. So there's a lot of there's another one for teachers called Trauma informed classrooms. That's free right now. So there's some great resource is out there for free on our website.

spk_0:   1:3:39
The T B r I one No. One is superb. So just ah, I mean, I don't know the others. I'm sure they are as well, but I Yeah, if that's free guys pop over there and don't let that one go by. Thank you again. Amanda, let me say that the views expressed in this show are those of the guests and do not necessarily reflect position of creating a family. Our partners are underwriters. Keep in mind that the information given in this interview is general advice. To understand how it applies to your specific situation, you need to work with your adoption or foster care professional and thanks for joining us today, and I will see you next week