Creating a Family: Talk about Adoption & Foster Care

How to Juggle Kids, Schooling & Work During Coronavirus Shutdown

April 24, 2020 Creating a Family Season 14 Episode 17
Creating a Family: Talk about Adoption & Foster Care
How to Juggle Kids, Schooling & Work During Coronavirus Shutdown
Show Notes Transcript

Most of us are trying to juggle so much during this coronavirus shutdown: homeschooling, work, cooking, and so much more. How can we do it all? We talk with Julie Beem, Executive Director of Attachment and Trauma Network, an author on trauma and attachment and frequent workshop presenter. 

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spk_0:   0:06
  

:   0:08
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spk_0:   0:06
welcome to creating a family. Talk about adoption and foster care. Today, we're going to be talking about how to juggle kids schooling and work during the Corona bars shut down without losing our minds. This is the third in a five part series we're doing on surviving and hopefully thriving during the Corona virus shutdown. The 1st 2 were surviving, being cooped up with your kids during Corona virus isolation. On the second room is home schooling kids on top of everything else. During Corona Virus, you confined both of those at our website. You could go to creating a family dot org's hover over the word resource is in the horizontal menu and click on the word podcast or the easier way is just to subscribe to our podcast, creating a family. Talk about infertility and adoption on whatever podcast app you prefer. Whatever you're listening to it now on, there is a subscribe button. Click it and then all of our you could access in our entire library. So that's the way to do it. The next two weeks, we're going to be bringing you building resiliency in your child and your family. During the Covic crisis, And what does connected parenting look like during the shutdown? So that there you have it. Those are all five parts. And ah, again, if you're subscribing, you will get all of them. Today, we're gonna be talking about how to juggle kids schooling and work during the grow Navarra shutdown without losing your mind. That last part is important without losing your mind. We're gonna be talking with Julie Bean. She is the executive director of Attachment and Trauma Network. She is the author of a book in the adoption Parenting book on Trauma and Attachment. And she frequently presents workshops on attachment in trauma toe local and national groups welcome Julie to creating a family. Thank you so much for joining us today.

spk_1:   2:03
Thanks for having me, Donna. I'm excited, Teoh, to get to talk about this very timely issue. There were all facing.

spk_0:   2:10
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We want you to know everyone who is listening that we are in this with you. Yeah, I feel like there are so many plates that are I just feel like I juggling is the right word. I have so many plates that are up in the air and I live in fear of dropping them. You know, I really do. It's like I think, Oh, gosh. And I wake up at night going. Did I do this? Did I do that? You know, and and and how am I going to get that done? So it's Ah, it is a juggling act. Yeah, I just That's how it feels. You know, to say that this is a stressful time is probably the biggest understatement of the year. And I think what's adding to some of the stress is that we're trying to do it all. And, you know, I thought about this. What we're being asked to do is impossible. We're trying to be asked to teach our kids every subject in school, get them outside to exercise at least once a day, but preferably twice provide food for them. And it seems like they eat all the time. I mean, I know it. We're supposed to be doing it three times a day, but quite frankly, that wasn't what I was usually doing. And you know, when they were in school. So now I'm doing it all the time, and I'm doing all this with no extra help for sure, and I'm animal trying to do stuff that were already supposed to be doing such as Worker are other stuff clean the house? Heaven forbid that hasn't happened. Um, and this is just a set up for failure and certainly for for a failure, if it's not failing an actual fact, a feeling like we're failing. So I hence why I wanted to talk with you about this topic today because I feel like parents need help in realizing that juggling, to a certain extent seems to me like it's not an apt analogy, because the truth is we can't juggle it all.

spk_1:   4:00
Exactly. I'm I'm a prime example of the person who fills myself with doing things to even compensate further thinking about things. And right now that the paradigm is that we've all made an incredible change in our lives, nobody has not. You know, everybody's been impact. Everybody's life has shit have been dramatically, and we didn't have control over that at all. Right? So it happened to us. And so we feel out of control and our Children feel out of control. Our spouses feel out of control. Our pets aren't quizzing. Why were around all of the time, so

spk_0:   4:45
no, no, my pet is enjoying this.

spk_1:   4:49
My pen Haven't The cats are going? Why are you here?

spk_0:   4:53
I do have a dog, and she is living her best life. Let me just tell you this is like if her dream, this is her dream come true. Everybody is out. The

spk_1:   5:04
dogs love it. The cats are a little problem, but, um, its changes hard and change can really ping on every anxiety at every stress level that we have, even when we're not acknowledging it. And if you're like me a caretaker at heart, um, you want to try to solve the problem, You want to try to fix everything you want to try to make sure that it's all happening. So you are trying to juggle all of these plates and and then you feel like a giant failure even when you're not failing because of all of that stress and anxiety and because a lot of times our Children are reacting in those very anxious ways. Those of us at the Attachment Trauma network know that a lot of our Children have an underlying baseline us some early rough beginnings and that causes them to feel the stress is bigger a lot of times, and then we, you know, just by trying to parent that also feel the stress bigger and we're trying young and way just can get into that vicious cycle that we have to stop and say, Okay, what's really important here? What? You know what what matters in this world? And I know that we've had a lot of families coming to ask point. I think I can do this. I can't school that the Children. I can't figure out how to cook. We're not used to having you home your home cooked meals from scratch 100% of the time, and it's just over whelming and my I guess my biggest advice is back off to what's important. And what's important is to be a family and to connect and to obviously you have to eat everybody because nobody can go without food, but start shifting away that you that you're thinking about your day, Yeah, and doing what's absolutely necessary. But making sure of that what's absolutely necessary is in that relationship in that connection, back to your family and all of the other stuff doesn't matter. I mean, so you got a part of the laundry there. It's probably not the first time you've had a pile of laundry. Maybe it happens to be higher. And maybe at some point, you, as a family can figure out how to do that laundry, you know? But it's But for the time being, the focus is, what can we do to help everybody connect to help everybody check in to help everybody figure out a new level of of calm and and safe de in this new environment? Um, one of our members suggested a wonderful idea of just having everybody lives, things that haven't changed or things that you feel safe and secure about right now. And keep that list somewhere where you can see it when you're starting to not feel that way, which is most of the time. I mean, if your like me, your mind rambles to whatever the crisis is in your life, whether that somebody that you know ill, whether it's your financial issues, whatever is happening right, you know, because truly it is happening right now. But if you know if you have this other list, it's as well I'm in my home and it's safe. I'm, you know, in my home and where were warm and snugly And you know, we have. We have family time together and there's more connection. My daughter made a list, and it was things like I have my pet and I could watch my favorite TV show. And so is things that we take for granted that need to sort of come to that 44 friend. And then we can start my words so that all of those plates that air spinning some of them, we might just have to not spend them for a while. Does that make sense?

spk_0:   9:03
It does in the world won't fall apart. I love what I love. The focus on relationship. Start the day when you're when you're feeling overwhelmed by all the plates in the air and everything that you feel like you must do the way that you prioritise. What gets done should be, ah, relationship. What is connecting you to your family? What is is strengthening the relationships within your family and what is not in the things that are not may have to just We may have to let some of them go. And you know what? That's hard because the truth is we want to do it all. And it's not like some of that stuff is an important, you know, that's just the truth. It you know, all those plates that you have in the air have some degree of importance. The problem is, we have to prioritize them. Some are heavier than the other two to overwork this analogy. And so those are the ones. And so when making your decision, focus on the relationship, focus on the connection. Ah, and that means that means some things won't happen. All right, let's start with honestly, this is surprised me somewhat, but by far what we hear most that the most stressful aspect of this for many parents is school work, keeping up with school work and one of the people in our community common. And she said, You know, my child goes to a school where they have Fort five teachers and, you know, once focusing on math, once focusing on science ones, focusing on English ones, focusing on P. Now, all of a sudden I am all of those, and I'm having to focus. Not only I'm not, Am I not a teacher? But I'm having to focus on trying to teach five subjects of which least four of them I don't know anything about. So you know that it helps to think in terms. So if you're trying to lower the pressure, well, I think about that. You're really you can't do. I mean, that it's not possible to do what you are being asked to do, not to do it completely and thoroughly. So let's talk some about schoolwork. First of all, let me ask. Are you also seeing that families are stressing about keeping their kids caught up in school?

spk_1:   11:14
It's the biggest dresser. What do I do about this whole school thing? And especially with Children who who have that underlying baseline of trauma? Because changed generally throws them way off and, you know, Jim role. And then to try to do school in a new way and to try to become the teacher. And there's there's so much dynamic there, Dawn that, um, I think I'm gonna just I don't know that you and I have shared this about me, but I virtually schooled my daughter for a decade, so I have done? No, an online public school, if you will. I know how hard it was for us initially to adjust. It took the better part of a school year. And now people are trying to do it in a week, right on and to figure out that new environment. And it was it was a learning curve, and it ended up being the right environment for her, for a lot of different reasons. But it wasn't, you see, And I was beside myself because I had this high expectation of how important education waas. I mean, I just like I I, um, come from uneducated family. I want my Children to be educated, so I was highly motivated to make that happen. And I was in constant, um, dismay about how poorly I could do that and how poorly it was working out in the beginning until I realized that, um, Children are learning all of the time. And just like we teach our teachers at 18. Won't teach trauma insulin education. Children can't learn when their brains are stressed out. The brains are off line, and they can't. So if you're stressed out and your Children are stressed out we're really not learning anything anyway, So it is. You know, it sounds very, um, opposite of the intensity of which we should try to be making our kids do the school work. But I would say, Yeah, you may have to turn this on your ear and let up on your expectations about how much work is going to get done or how much know that art were driving that education into their heads. Because the other thing and schools are probably gonna hate me for saying this to you about education is that that information is is usually presented in a curriculum spiral. So if your child doesn't learn it now, they're going to get another chance to learn it with extra added information on top of it and metals for math. And that goes for science. And that goes for history. I mean, you could easily see it in history like you cover in this in Georgia. Anyway, we cover the Civil War like in fifth grade and then again in eighth grade and then get a certain love one high school, and it's just layered on top of itself. So, um, you might have to lower your expectation right now because of where everybody's lines are with our with the change and with the worry and with, and instead figure out other learning things that you can do. It's okay. Toe play, board games, that interview Use math contest instead of doing the math work shin, it really is. You know, there's a lot of you. It's okay to use cooking as a man lesson. You know, if that's and do it in a casual, family connected way, because then your Children's brains are calmer. And so they're They're thinking brain is able to take in that information. And who doesn't need cooking as a skill, you know, when they grow left. It's something we don't always actively think about teaching. But you know, why not use? Use your brain to figure out what kind of things could I do that might introduce them to concepts that have to do with where they are active. Daringly, the challenge is depending on what the teachers expectations are, because that's the other level of pressure that comes on right solution. You've got to get this done, and you've got to get this done in this way, and, um I. I'm amazed because I have a lot of connections to trauma and for educators across the country who are trying to make their schools more trauma, informed most more social, emotional, learning based facilities. And they are reaching out to us about how do we do that in the distance, way? And a lot of what we're talking to them about is just what I talked to you about is to figure out ways to keep that relationship going and to keep those keep those connections alive. So they're doing very creative things in online classrooms that aren't necessarily curriculum driven. There more connection room. Let's do a group project. Let's do you know, make a fun video and share it with the rest of your classmates so that we can remain connected. All of those wonderful films of people doing parades past the kids houses or past their teachers. How all of that connection is really what everybody needs now both the teachers and the parents and look and the Children so that we all remember. We're in it together and there are a lot of them. They're saying, Look, you are the way we're going to great this is that it's only gonna make your great better if you happen to turn in work that it that raises the great and otherwise we're just well, let it go on. And I hope that most of you have have that kind of a situation with the teacher with your schools. And if you don't maybe maybe part of what you could spend your energy on is talking to the school. Can we know it's just impossible here, especially if you have multiple Children to juggle their multiple explain expectations. And if they happen to be struggling in an area, I know that when my daughter reached the levels of middle school and high school, the math was way above me and she, you know, So she needed tutors and other supports. You know, if you can find that, that's great. But right now nobody's really optimally teaching. The teachers are optimally teaching because they they're still learning the platforms and the connective it ease. The parents can't optimally teach. Cousins were not Matt. Teachers were not science teachers, and so the best thing we can do is, you know, is build. Relationship is built, that whole connection that whole calmness around this so that our Children don't don't start to feel like failures themselves. They will start to feel ANC three about, you know, about schoolwork. Angry about this situation. No way. We want them to be willing learning participants. And we sure don't want to squelch, perhaps by you know. But the bad experience of all of this makes sense.

spk_0:   18:06
It does. It makes a lot of sense. I was talking with a friend who is a grandmother to, ah, 13 year old and raising her. She is She is the kinship Grandma care. She's primary care of this of this daughter and ah granddaughter. And she said that she was saying, She's got a 54 in science. I've got to catch her up. I mean, I've got to do something. She's got a 54 and I said, No matter what you do, OK, so you work your hardest. You get her up to a 60. Is that worth the stress you're experiencing right now? No matter what you do, she's failing and probably is going to be failing science. That's a problem. And that's a problem that you can't really solve right now. And There's nothing you're going to do right now other than stress her and stress you and ruin this time. Uh, completely what more than it already is by worrying about it. So I do think that people feel the need to OK, all of a sudden I'm realizing that my kid is struggling. So I've got I've got I've got to be the hero coming in here and making up for everything, and that's probably not realistic.

spk_1:   19:18
And you can't be the hero. I mean, if you're if you're realizing for the first time because you're sitting next to your talk out and realizing that they aren't up to grade level and they aren't up to par, that's that's kind of Ah future problem toe solve with the school when things calm down, as opposed to know. Right now, I have to make sure that that they learn everything that they were supposed to learn in this great level of of science this year. Not gonna happen. It's just what you might be able to do is figure out, um, ways to show your child how science is useful. I mean, and right now, with this virus going on, we got lots of ways to find the right hand winking out that science. This is how science is applied, these air things that you can use science for in the future. Mind sparked your curiosity and there, um, desire to learn more. If that's if it's a motivational thing that's going on a lot of times, it's not. And a lot of times is no. You realizing that and recognizing that might might be able, might be able to go back to the schools when things are a little back to whatever the new normal is going to be and suggest that they need extra help in that maybe the teacher hasn't moved that I mean, the teacher has and is giving them that extra help in some way that you're just not able to do. So. I It one of the things that we encourage the parents and the teachers both is that now, more than ever is the time to be talking to each other. If you don't have a relationship with the teacher where you can call them, text them, interact with them, now is the time to ask, want and the teachers in the same way It's like me. You need to be checking with appearance as much as you're checking with Children, even if Children are high school age. And I'm pretty independent learners just to make sure you know what's going on in the house. Yeah, so that you rather you know somebody's sick. They're of you know what, what the situations are so that you can help support that in a more social, emotional kind of way. And the same goes for parents. You've got to just say, Look, I don't know how to help We're here. This is too much for us. It's overwhelming because the teachers don't know how to gauge how much work together unless the parents give them that. See that

spk_0:   21:39
there's also a little bit of a sense of competition. Um, I see that in our online support group, not our Facebook of support group. I see that the well, you know, his best friend is there making a video they've done. They turn their entire living room into a ah, a stage set or whatever. You know, uh, they set up an entire physics lab or what? So there's a I'm I am. I am being the slacker parent here. I'm not. My kid is going to be hurt because I'm not able to do it all. So thoughts on that?

spk_1:   22:15
Um, yeah, that's it's really hard, isn't it? And especially if you have Children who are not weathering the storm so well, I mean, the families that that, um, that join a team that become parts of our network are families whose Children have been significantly impacted by trauma. A lot of them carry diagnoses like reactive attachment, disordered developmental trauma disorder and there and and this situation can not always can make their, um, their behaviors. Their responses magnify. So, Urinson, you're watching Pinterest and you're seeing all these beautiful me Easter decorations that your neighbors have put up on the on their windows, air out.

spk_0:   23:01
None of their kids made it. Their kids made these wonderful things. Yeah, it

spk_1:   23:05
went out into under the sidewalk and made this big mural or whatever it is that they that they did. And they all seem really happy and connected and like they're just breathing through their days. And my first advice would be Get off yourself to me because because that's just making you feel bad. And what you're not seeing the other 23 hours of those kids lives. You really don't know what's happening next door at the house. And is this really a competition with all? I mean, my family can't be in competition with your family. It just really you know, that's that's staja. I don't know. It's hard because it really is embedded in our parenting is like that. We have that that gut level of of. To be a successful parent, we have to do a, B, C and d two more

spk_0:   23:57
debates. Successful parent. Our kids need to be a success as and by success being defined and how other people defiant so that what are kids do and how they behave. And how they learn is a reflection on our parenting skills. I say that as a za falsehood, not as a truth, but it's ah, that's how it's very easy to slip into that. That that we're doing. How we're parenting is how our kids are doing this

spk_1:   24:24
now during the quarantine is the first time that that feeling has overwhelmed you. Then you have never getting some pretty tough waters. But, um, I you gotta That's the thing you gotta let go right now. What's right for my family is right for my family. At this point, I mean, it just it really is. And I would rather have a connected, loving relation als human being as my grown child, one that could that could have, you know, to go one and have their own family go on and connected to society in a positive way, even if they weren't a map ace. Even if they've never been a star athlete, even if they for an award winning actor or artist or any of those things if they have, um in language and language that I would use healthy attachment style if they are able to really connect and are are folks who are emotionally strong and able to emotionally connect with others and tick, do you realize what their own emotions air doing and be healthy? In that way? It's 40,000 times better. And so if I'm at home working on just being a good family, being a strong family, being a family, that now that is connected in that way, um, and letting all of that other stuff go, I am being the best parent you can be. That's my A young man, and that's a paradigm. That's a huge paradigm shift, because that's not what the world was gonna major you on. Except no, because we don't way don't often think about that. We don't often sit See a person who we think is, is, um, highly emotionally put together. I'm going in. He must have had some really good parents. You know you don't think about that, But it's true. I mean that the brain science tells us that that is exactly the parents input or the the one person who is poured into the child The most that's their input is, that is, is whatever the child is able, however, they can function emotionally, if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And that's and SCO now, in a way, we've been given this special time that if we can keep our own emotions at bay, if we can take care of ourselves enough, if we can recognize what's important, we have some extra time. When the business of the world is not making us renda to basketball practice, our girl scouts are church activities or all these other things we've got this concentrated time to really pour into our Children if we are able to from the emotional skim, Yeah, so we might be able to turn out on the ear. Does that also mean we could go out and do some of those things that we put on social media and look good as a family? Yeah, if we're there. But if we're not, it's much better to just do whatever that connect. Playful kind of thing is that we that we should be doing.

spk_0:   27:32
So let's summarize some of the tips we have given so many good chips on had a handle the the juggling, that aspect of the ball that is school work in your in your juggling. Um, how to handle that? I will start I'm gonna combine to one is to decrease the pressure on yourself by lowering expectations of what you can do what you're going to get done, what you should do. Just drop some of the pressure. Uh, this is not the time to, uh, try to surge ahead and not drop the pressure. That's Ah, decrease the pressure. That would be my 1st 1 So what would be your second tip? um, you said a lot already, but

spk_1:   28:19
I would focus on the, you know, I was focused on the emotion that was in the room. So in other words, if I'm helping helping my child do school work or if we're trying to get house work then or whatever, whatever we're doing, if it's working and we could be playful and we can have positive interaction around it, then we should build on that and and not so much on whatever our time schedules. Um, if it's not working, we should call it just like you said. Don't you know we have lower expectations? Were saying, You know what? Math class is not working right now, so we're walking out will come back later when we're able to do that and we're going to go do something that is more connected. That is more that that is more emotionally calming that gets us all that into that regulated state.

spk_0:   29:10
Okay, third tip would be, um, education takes place in a lot of different ways and doesn't necessarily mean filling out the working on the software that the school has sent home that you must do are filling out the the worksheet that is has been sent home. There are lots of different ways that learning can take place and utilizing this time to focus on learning by listening to a podcast by cooking by gardening by doing other things and trying to focus on what you could learn from those activities. All right, so what would be another tip that you have shared with us already?

spk_1:   29:50
Um, I don't know that I said it exactly. This would play, but because you're the parent, you're the leader of the homes. So that means you have to monitor your own emotion and your own mood and that naming, getting off of that social media So you don't feel that competitive this with, um, whatever has been posted on Pinterest or whatever. Your your neighbor just tweeted to you. But instead you're staying focused on what you need and what your family needs and how you're how you're providing that level with care to yourself into them.

spk_0:   30:26
Okay, uh, another tip would be talk with the school if your kid is struggling. And let's face it, a lot of our kids come with an underlying level of stress that other kids don't have because of early childhood trauma. So they're starting on a different playing field. And if all of the school work and all of the expectations around school work art too hard for your kids, sending the men to meltdowns, ruining the making it difficult to focus on relationship talk with the school and say, OK, this is what we're experiencing And this is how we're I'm going to we're going to do rather than 20 math problems a day. We're going to do five or whatever it is and talk with the school and initiate a discussion with the school about what you're experiencing and what you're what you're going to do about it as a family. All right, So what would be another tip?

spk_1:   31:20
I think it's important. We really didn't talk about that, but I think it's important to celebrate anything that any positive things that are happening. I mean, where were were talking a lot about all of the stress and how to mitigate that handle that how toe overcome that. But you overcome it by the positive things, and so you know, if your child does those five math problems, then you should have some kind of a little mini celebration, and it could be just a simple is running around, giving everybody high fives. Well, whatever it is that that's that's playful and joyful and you know, and and celebrating, you know, whether you at night at the dinner table, everybody says the one thing that they accomplish, that they're the proudest of, and then you all have some kind of some kind of a a big celebration about that. I'm you. I'm a big believer in that that the positive reinforcement of parents, the positive acknowledgement of something that a child does that has a lot to help build their own resiliency, their own relationship with you noticing the good things instead of being focused on the bad things, are Children known that they're having that they're spoke meaning school. So if you see them do something that's positive on, I would magnify it in this time is not just you can

spk_0:   32:47
perfect. Yeah, I believe we need to celebrate Mawr in our family and in our life and in this world, and and that's never more important than right now. During this time, let me remind everybody that this show is underwritten by the jockey Being Family Foundation. This year, they jockey, Being Family Foundation is celebrating 15 years of providing post adoption support. Resource is to help strengthen families. Please join them in celebrate 15 years of the jockey being Family Foundation. With your help, they can continue to provide post adoption support. Resource is to adoptive families. They believe through education they can build strong families for successful futures. You can find out mawr and you can donate to help contribute to their work at jockey being family dot com slash donate All right, another of the balls that we are juggling or plates. I guess that was my analogy that one of the another big play that some of us are juggling eyes work, you know, It's a funny thing that seems like we're in a feast or famine world in that that some people have been furloughed or laid off and they're struggling with you know what, how do they will financially and then and how do they adjust to having a whole lot more time on their hands? But for others, it's a It's a mixed blessing, but they're fortunate to just still have a job, but they're working from home, and they're working from home at the same time that they have kids in the home and that they don't have childcare for these kids. So the kids are there on, and they've got there also schooling. They're also having to figure out how to get meals they've got to get, you know, the lawn Dreev. Perhaps even heaven forbid cleaning the house. So all of this is the work itself can put a huge amount of stress on families during this time. And it's hard cause you don't want to complain because on the other hand, you've got a job and you have a job that's allowing you. Some of the people have jobs that are having to go into their jobs in being exposed, and there's that additional worry. So what right do you have to complain because you're able to telecommute and you're able to work at home? But that is not an easy thing to do with kids around. It just isn't so. Let's give some some tips for families on how how would you cope? What would you suggest for families to do to be able to cope with working from home uh, and being productive and trying to really give give it your all. Well, perhaps natural, but three able to actually be a productive worker because there are people who are concerned, you know, and it's my job going to still be there. So I I want to perform. So yeah. So what can what would you suggest for families who are parents who are struggling with how they can work from home without childcare available for their Children?

spk_1:   35:53
Well, um, there there, I can give you some specific tips about that, but it also is a little bit like the relationship with the teachers. I think you need to talk to your employer about exactly what the expectations are right now. It's not gonna be the same. It can't be the scene as the expectations are. No. When I'm in the office, when I'm when I'm doing what I normally do in the environment, I normally do it at. So what? What is the critical path of what it is? I need to work on it work. In other words, whether the meetings, I absolutely have to be At what time are they gonna be so that I know what you know what what goal specifically do I need to meet and by win. So then I can get really creative if but if my goal is next Monday and here we are, I hope it's love next Monday, since right now we're taping on a Friday. But it's next Tuesday or Wednesday that I know I have all of those hours. Tau Tau work towards that goal, so I may have to work on weekends. The weekends may start to look exactly like, do we days you're saying because they're gonna or I may have to be. No evenings or mornings reflects my availability, depending on what the Children and everybody else in the house needs because I may have a spouse at home is working or a young adult child who's quarantine with me, who was also working from home, and we may have to share devices, and there may be all of those aspects that the scheduling becomes that becomes critical around. So I need to know what the end game is for my were and what their flexibility is in that at HN all we'll have worked from home from the get go. So my entire staff isn't home. But what I noticed when we get together for meetings is that we're not initially being as productive because we can't be. Our minds are, you know, off on something else. We each have our own worries in our own house balls. So we have just decided that we're going to start our our meeting times and not expect that level of productivity. Instead, just expect that level of letting it out. How are things really have you in your world right now? And people just have got that two or three minutes of letting and go before we can get down. So I'm hoping if you have control over the workspace that you're in, that you're doing that with some of your co workers that you're allowing that that relations stuff to come out because that's that's so important. Um, and then you just have to you have to critical path the things. So if I have a 10 o'clock zoom meeting that I have to be at and it's critical, then I've got to figure out what everybody in the family is going to be doing. A 10 o'clock right that keeps them from running through the middle of my zoom, you know, with the dog barking in the kids screaming and And Mom, I need you to tie my shoes and all those other interactions and so I'm gonna have to find something. And again, it's a whole despite by age. And if you're lucky enough to have another adult in the house, you just sort of do that tag team thing where I need 10 o'clock. You can have 11 oclock it. You go back and forth. If you're not that lucky, then you're gonna have to figure out, you know, specifically what it is. And then I would also make sure the kids were in on the game plan. Today's game plan Is that a 10? What? Mom's not this meeting now. Some of your gonna go? Yeah, and then my kids been sabotage everything. Well, maybe. But it's, you know, we're in a crisis time, and the best thing we could do is be real honest with our kids about this is this is mom's work and it's just a Zim Porton as yours schoolwork. And so while you have the long hunt and see the teacher or you have these certain past that you're supposed to do. I got to do this, so we're going to do, you know, whatever. I mean, right now I have nobody in my household but glow naps. I have a young young adult daughter who lives with us at and my husband, but I still have the door locked in A big sign on this is recordings, and nobody's, you know, even if they jiggle the handle, that's the most. Get out of him. So, yeah, it's hard. It's hard to figure out what, that you know what that is for your kids, wherever you park them in front of the device or TV or a movie. If that's all you got, that's all you got. If you've got over kids that you can say, Look, I need you to take a break at 10 o'clock because I've got Zoom, call and play a game with your brother, and if you do that, then I will know. Do let's let's negotiate about something that all do for you, whether it's take over one of your tours or you know or or you'll pay. You said that you've got money to buy something. Whatever it is. Let's figure out a negotiated bar bargor thing unless the child was willing to just do that for you, which would be a nice a nice relation thing for them to do. But it isn't always realistic, Um, but I would just plot it each one of those things just like that. Um, and it's and it is. It's all about that negotiation, which does sort of feel like juggling. And you've got to be candid with your boss. I mean, some people are working from home and they have no Children, and they probably can figure out how to keep their productive the level of bounds, the same as when they were working in the office. But there's a lot of us who can't do that. And so including our bosses, probably. And so you've got to negotiate. What's the most critical things for me to get done? And here are how everything on getting those things done in my current situation. And then you got to not built it about that because that's the big thing is we start feeling like a failure of feeling guilty. It's gonna adjust Kikkan something productive. I mean it really is gonna weigh you down.

spk_0:   41:45
Mm, No, it's makes perfect sense there. There was so much you have said. And one is to figure out what the critical deadlines are and and work towards those because you are an employer employee, what might be an employer to. But you're an employee. You are being paid, so it is important that you get the critical things done. But not everything is critical. So figure out during this time what must be done and what's important that you be a part of for the team that you're working with and then take a look at the whatever period of time, the week most of us are still functioning on weeks on. And yeah, Ah, we can always tell you what day it is, but the were functioning on weeks and say, All right, I have got to get in 25 30 hours of work. Now how am I going to realistically do that? And if you're if you're fortunate to have somebody another adult in the house are an older teen, you should all be working. But even younger Children should be a part of this conversation, so they realize that mom and Dad's work is important. And we have to, as a family is important for them. It's important for us as a family. So this is what we're gonna have to do. And so when can we get this done? All right. Um, s so and so is Ah, they're doing their schooling during that time. So that should be open. Except for one child who doesn't have schooling. So what can we as a group think of to do with that child? Can somebody else help pitch in to entertain that kid during Mom needs? Ah, uninterrupted hour here so that she can get this project off of her plate into somebody else's, uh or, uh, do be talking with friends. I know a lot of them have shifted. What? Who's ah, who's partner is still going out in the day is they have a central jobs that they're leaving when they come home. The partner, one of them, the their spouse, comes home at four o'clock. And so she works from 4 to 8 every day, and he does dinner. He does bad as he does. The whole thing does the story, and she usually leaves and they do prayers, and then the kids are out of their hair. And she and her husband had some time and she schedules. Ah, she gets up earlier in the morning and gets in two hours there. So she has scheduled a six hours in her day that she is, because what she does needs to be done and uninterrupted for the most part on. Then she checks emails during other off times, so she's been able to figure out other people I know are working on the weekends when they have a partner around our spouse around to be able to help. Ah, so they're working their treating Saturday and Sunday as if they were Monday and Tuesday, and they're just getting up, getting in eight hours in eight hours. So that's 16 hours. There's a lot of of creative ways that you can come up with getting time done, so that's so being creative and coming up and working as a family. Ah, that's probably the most important thing. Um, I also think another tip is to set expectations for behavior and not interrupting. I think that's an important thing to do, and that goes back to having a discussion is a family. Ah, but setting expectations and say, Ah, when mom has this sign on her door, it means that, uh, has one of my friends says unless there's blood involved Yeah, don't don't interrupt me. This is my hour and yeah, and and usually So that's that's how I'm defining whether you can interrupt me. Ah, and talk to them about why it's important. Talk to him about how you get distracted, and so you really need to have to be able to focus in. And and that's important for them to, um so that's another

spk_1:   45:41
could even be a negotiated thing with. Okay, so Mom's gonna have this evening, and this is what the sign means. And then after the sign, we're gonna do 30 minutes of something fun together. All of us. You be thinking about what that is. You know what? Like in other words, you guys can call the shots on that, whether we're gonna have the shaving cream fight or whether we're gonna make a snap or whether we're going to do whatever it is when I'm done. Yeah, so that s so that the expectation is you're not gonna interrupt that interrupt during this time Gonna hold all of whatever it is you need from me until that time. But be thinking about what that iss so that every time, you know, and and that works really well for Children, a lot of rich, we're gonna have a little impulse control problem. Right? So they're saying that question about their school worker they have or they're playing a game where they think of something. And they're like Mom, Mom. And during the course of the day, we probably stop that email and go, What? But if that if we need that concentrated in time, we have to sort of train them than entering them toe Hold that expectation. With my daughter, there was a certain stage of her development where writing down that mom mom thing was what said we have a big whiteboard on the wall and if she thought of something, I it she knew I was uninterruptible during that time. She write it down so she'd remember what she wanted to say or ask for. So you might have to get clever with that to help them, because part of it is is, you know, setting the expectation. But another part of it is helping them need that X vacation. They if they emotionally and socially aren't quite there yet. Like if they just second, we've got a child in your home because I had one for sure that just, you know, a lot of times, if I said okay, I'm going to go in this room and shut the door. That was enough to make her wanna interrupt. You know, this is that was like a Pavlov's dog. She just could not, you know, could not control that. So we had this sort of that that up into steps. Okay, these are the things you're going to do when this door is shot. Because I really cannot stop and come and come deal with whatever's happening on the other side of the door at this school. And it took us a while to practice that, but, you know, these are good. And now the sign on the door right now, while we're talking and I'm Lucien will not be the person that tries to walk in because she's learned that. But that's probably gonna be a list of things from what you do is go

spk_0:   48:05
on I. That leads us to another tip, which is setting our kids up for success with this, and you just gave some great advice on how to do that. Another way to help set our kids up for success is to save activities that they like for the critical path for the critical times where you need not to be interrupted. One tip is to make certain that you have got some toys, if depending, of course, the age of your child that they only get to play with nearing that time and have them high value toys and the toys that they enjoy playing with. And let's be honest screens. This is maybe a time when you utilize your screens, you don't let them get up in the morning and play screens while there are play video games or something, or watch a movie while they're eating breakfast. You save the screens for when you need that screens that your computer in your TV, in my opinion, can be used now as a baby sitter. But you need to be selective about because if they're watching it all the time and are they're playing on their video games, all the time. It will have less power, less entertainment value for when you really need it. And when you're finished with your meeting, whatever those high value be, they screens or be they a toy, be they, Ah, Lego new Lego set or a play movie or whatever those then get put away for the next time so that the kids have something that they're actively looking forward to during that time. So that's one way to ensure success.

spk_1:   49:42
Yeah, and that's and that's the the other reason for coming out of this meaning or this whatever you focus, time of work that you were ready to engage with your Children. I mean, if you're like me, first of all, I like to work so that so I get done with meeting, and then my typical work day would be acting on whatever was just done in that focus time, or you doing some other work keeping right on working. I'm highly motivated, ready to work. But remember, I've put them out there in from their screens or with whatever their activity is. And I promised them that you know, when I'm done, we're going to do something fun. We're gonna do something connected we're gonna really get. Now we're gonna have that close relationship time that they're waiting on and we can't disappoint our kids. Can't then go. Oh, well, I just need to make one more phone call or which the truth is, we've carved out that time. We've set that expectation, and we need to meet it, too. So whatever it is that we know just need to go ahead and follow through and stop and play knowing that no, for the has grown up a lot of times, stopping and playing felt like I was wasting my time. But that's not what's happening here at all. I mean, we're building that relationship with them and that that playtime is as important as what we just did. It work.

spk_0:   51:06
Yeah, that having specific times where everyone knows that you are working, it is good for your kids. But it's also I'm so glad you pointed this out. It's also good for you because it is easy when you're working at home to never have time that you aren't supposed to be working. So defining times that are this is work time, and when it's not work time, it's not work. And that means you can't be. Don't be checking your emails. Don't be. Don't be trying to, you know, sneak in. Ah, one more thing that you could get done, really be really be committed to the Yeah, So, yeah, let me pause for a moment to remind you that this show is brought to you by the generous support of our partners and these air agencies that believe in our mission of providing education and support to pre and post adoptive and foster families. One such partner is spent shape, and they are a license and accredited non profit organization in the New York City metro area. It has been offering adoption services for more than 100 years. They're robust. Pre and post adoption services provide birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees, a supportive community and a connection to professionals who understand the unique aspects of adoption. Coaching and counselling services are available nationwide. We also have adoptions from the heart. They were founded by an adoptee, and they're celebrating 35 years of bringing families together through adoption There. A full service domestic infant adoption agency specializing in open adoption. They see adoptive parents and birth parents share their stories on a F T H TV airing Tuesday mornings follow adoption from the heart on Facebook and YouTube to catch every episode. All right, in the time we have left, I wanted to just give some general tips for setting up an environment that will ensure that your family is focusing on relationship and decrease some of the fighting in the whining and all that and increase make us all feel like that were being more productive and mawr family more of a family during this time. Some of this much of what we have already said has been is relevant to this and and the and I will say the first thing that you started Ah, this this this interview together focus on relationships, Make that be your primary. If you were to look back on the however many months, weeks, whatever this is going to be and you're gonna look back and judge, success or failure, make it on what happened to the relationship in the family, so that one seems like such an important one. I was going to say it again, right. So Ah, what are some other things that we can do to set up an environment in our days that will help us not just survive this time, but deep in our, uh, deepened help us juggle for one and also deep in our relationships.

spk_1:   54:13
Well, I think the other important point is toe Let go of our expectations around. Some of some of the things that are stressing is out. We know we can't do everything you can't. You can't do 100% perfect work. We can't have our Children to 100% perfect at school and still deal with all of the other stressors that are coming adults in this quarantine time. So we need to We need to be constantly aware of that and say and constantly sorting out, Is this an important thing I have to address right now? Or is this something that we can let go on weight, wait to another time and that's around school, work around our work around other decisions? You have long term decisions in the family. I think that that's that's a big tip is to constantly be sorting that out because we're not gonna look available to do it all when we just accept that, folks, somethin.

spk_0:   55:08
Is it? Okay? Another tip that I would throw out would be Everyone in the family needs a break from each other at least once a day. Ah, that's just no matter how much we love each other. Ah, and And that that break all needs to happen at the same time, because otherwise the parent is not the one get is not getting a break, and the kids honestly need a break from each other, and they need a break from you. So figuring out a time that and again you can go back to having if if they're not napping and their and their if they resist reading, you can do audiobooks on. Audible right now is offering a lot of Children's books free, a swell all about Children's and adults all the way up way the whole bit. So that's an option. Ah, toys that only come out during quiet time and are put away afterwards. Crafts that are not to mess it if they could do by themselves. But each person needs to have a place to go that they are separated. If your Children don't have separate rooms, you can be creative something that I have done in the past is take a huge sheet, put it over our dining room table, and the kids called it a tent. And one of the quiet places that people could go and it was assigned and head to rotate is it was actually turned out to be the most popular was under the dining room table in the tent eso that's there. But everybody has to have a place they need to be all right. And that taste consistency from a parent standpoint, because if the kids get out and leave their rumor there, they're quiet place and they come and you start interacting with him than your training them. That this is not a quiet time, right? And it's willing. You

spk_1:   56:51
think it It's, I mean, interrupt you, please that that one of the things that you're doing is that your modeling, the idea that everybody needs self care. So he embraced one with them about what they want to do. You know, maybe they want a color instead of read. Maybe they want on a whatever it is, and you could introduce ideas about. This is what I do as a room This is what this is what myself here is so that it becomes you're modeling for them that act like all human beings. Do it. I mean, it's not that is not that they don't know what you're doing behind the door. You're gonna tell them that you know why I go to my room. This is what I'm going to dio and then you know, and and throughout the day could even come up with ideas. Because if you know, then you're teaching them a skill. That and then it doesn't feel so much like you're making them stay in this but that you're teaching them that now is the time that we do this just like now is the time we brush your teeth or go to bed or have a meal or whatever. Now is the time we take a quiet break from each other and you need to figure out what it is you want to do, whether it's music or, you know, like there's a whole gamut of things and each person is different, right? So exactly they could they can figure that out, and it keeps it with a real positive spin and hopefully helps them. You know you want to be in the tender, want Teoh, do whatever whatever that is,

spk_0:   58:14
it is not a punishment, and that's why it's important that it be as regularly as you could do. It is a regular, similar time. Ah, it's not a punishment. It is. Every person needs some time where they're not interacting. And oftentimes our kids don't recognize that they need that as well. And that's why we have our kids who are, you know, fighting at the end of the day with each other and just fed up. But they're just tired of each other. And this even having a quiet time, I'm not gonna and I'm not gonna like. It's not going to make them not fighting between five and six.

spk_1:   58:48
Sure, it's not because you're tired and hungry, but it also teaches them the art of reflection. So maybe what you introduced to them, as you know, draw a picture of what you're thinking about today or write a poem or write down something. Keep your own little journal. If you're a writer or, you know, model something out of clay that you're that you're thinking or how you're feeling today, and I'm going to go off to my room in journal, whatever it is, and it teaches them that valuable skill that a lot of times we don't think about teaching our kids of that. How do I What do I do in my quiet time? And how does that re energize me? You know, like, how does that fill me back up? Because I'm reflecting and being calm, and you know all of those things.

spk_0:   59:36
Yeah. And what a valuable lesson that we're giving our kids. By doing that, we've

spk_1:   59:41
got more time to do that. Now that maybe we did before,

spk_0:   59:45
you know, it won't happen automatically. And you need to adjust the You're not going to start off with an hour and 1/2. Ah, you may never even make it to an hour and 1/2. But so you've got us again. Set him up for success by being realistic is into your which your expectations, given the age and whether they're napping and things like that. Well, thank you so much, Julie. Being for being with us today to talk about this very important topic. Very relevant topic of how to survive all the juggling. Julie is the executive director at the Attachment and Trauma Network. You guys can get more information by going to their website attachment trauma network dot org's. The views expressed in this show are those of the guests and do not necessarily reflect the position of creating a family out partners are underwriters. Also keep in mind that the information given this interview is general advice. To understand how it applies to your specific situation, work with your adoption or foster care professional. Thanks for joining us today, and I will

spk_1:   1:0:44
see you next week.