Homeschooling Kids (on top of everything else) During Coronavirus

Are going a little crazy trying to be your child's teacher, as well as parent during the Coronavirus shutdown. Check out this interview with Heather Forbes, a licensed clinical social worker, the author of the bestselling book Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors, the founder of the Beyond Consequences Institute, and author of numerous other books, including her newest release, Classroom180: Trauma-Informed Classrooms. 

Transcript

spk_0:   0:08
Note this is an automatic transcription.  Please forgive the errors.  

spk_0:   0:08
Welcome everyone to Creating a Family Talk about Adoption and Foster Care. Today we're going to be talking about home schooling kids on top of everything else during the Corona virus isolation. But before we get started, please do us a favor. I would really appreciate it if you would pop over to iTunes and give us a rating. We read every one. I promise you we do. In fact, we share them amongst our team here creating a family. And this is one that was just circulated throughout our staff from Nadine and is titled The Absolute Best Resource on adoption. She gave us five stars. This is what she wrote. Can't even begin to say how much this podcast has taught me when going through the adoption process. A must listen for sure seriously, thank you, Nadine from the bottom of my heart. And I also say that really from our whole team. All right. Many parents are stressed out right now and I am about academics and schooling. I am so pleased to welcome today Heather Ford's She is a licensed clinical social worker, the author of the bestselling book Beyond Consequences. Logic and Control, A love based approach to helping Attachment challenge Children with severe behaviours. She is the founder of Beyond Consequence Institute and the author of numerous books, including her newest release, which I think is just coming out. And it's called Classroom 1 80 a framework for creating, sustaining and assessing the trauma informed classroom. She consults and lectures extensively with both general and special education schools around the nation. And, by the way, the Web site for the new book is Classroom 180 dot com. Welcome, Heather. Thank you so much for joining us today to talk about this topic, which is you are uniquely qualified to talk about.

spk_1:   2:01
It was great to be here. Thank you for

spk_0:   2:02
having me so many parents. Let's be honest or stress because they feel the burden of trying to keep their kids caught up with school during this time of isolation. And on top of all that, they have worries about trying to work at home or having lost their job. They have financial concerns have been help us don't even look at what the stock market's doing and general concerns over the health of of no no themselves, their Children, their parents, their sisters or anyone. It's a lot. We're all dealing with a lot. So we're here to help. And I think the first question would be having balance it all. How to balance expectations with what's realistic in our lives at at this particular time as well as our personalities are temperaments. And, let's be honest, our patients,

spk_1:   2:47
you know, I think that when you say all those things that were going through, that just the list gets you dis regulated and get you stressed out. It does. So I think that. And I know that this is true that the number one resource we have is ourselves. For you to be able to give to your family to give to your Children to give to all these dressers and all these variables is going to take a lot on your part as a parent, your mindset in your heart. So I say the number one piece to be able to focus on is you. Now a lot of people will say, Oh, that's Elvish. No, it is not selfish. It is actually a vital you cannot give what you have not received. If you were worn down, if you were tired of you're resistant. Well, guess what? That is going to set the stage for how your family is going to unfold now. I'm not saying you can just walk out your door and go to a spot. No, that's not possible. But are there are things that you can do, and when you hold yourself as the in the light that you need in the love that you need first you will find that all the demands of your Children are making on you and they can be extensive, especially our Children who have been traumatized. This is a streaming hard time for them. They're getting trigger their at their break, their other winners of conferences that this is even more important for us to slow down and be able to take care of ourselves in the midst of all that as well.

spk_0:   4:14
And I would throw in there that, uh, it's not. There's nothing wrong with indulging in some in some of the snacks we bought in your pre Coppola apocalyptic shopping trip, but eating relatively healthy and the most important, making certain that you prioritize your sleep, which may mean that you have to do things differently and that you've got to That is just too darn important. So that's not being selfish. That's just being smart. Let's talk about the importance of a routine. I know we're talking about education, and we are going to be getting into home schooling. But just in general, let's talk about the importance of setting up a routine right now for our family, for ourselves and for our kids.

spk_1:   4:58
I think that's perfect. Then that goes right back to what I just said about ourselves, because we have a routine we won't that let the night slide away, which it can easily do and when. That way we'll get to bed on time. We'll be able to wake up on time. But let's talk about a little bit about why that is important. Why routine is so important. Our Children have been through experiences where they love. Our kids have lived in chaos, and the reminder of when things are not structured is going to trigger them to think that something bad is gonna happen if they know what's gonna happen next, and I live in. A lot of parents are listening to that because you know your kids are going to say what's happening next was happening next with him and you tell them was happening next, and they still ask you what what's happening after that and the reason that they're doing that is because they were scared. They are scared about something bad happened and it may not be just because of this whole Corona virus, but that's just the mentality that they typically live in it. Horses just heightened right now. So having that routine and I don't mean just thinking about the routine, I want you to put up a poster bored with the routine. And again, our resource is a little sparks. Maybe has just taken that brown paper bag that you have cut it up and making a poster out of it and writing down what the daily routine is going to be. Go over the night before that morning, go over it again and stick to the routine as much as you can. The reason I say to do visual is because our Children, as we know a lot of them, have a lot of auditory processing issues, and so when you make it visual, it's something they can see. It also makes it, really, it makes it concrete. And so a lot of Children are very black and white, and they're thinking because you might say one thing. But to them, talk is cheap. You put it on a absolute poster board with a Sharpie marker, and it's gonna happen. I don't try. I won't tell you. A lot of kids will hold you to that schedule as well. So be prepared for that as well,

spk_0:   6:49
and refer back to the schedule when the kids saying What's next? So let's go over to the refrigerator and see where we have posted. Let's take a look and and use pictures if, even if they're just stick figures, Um, if your Children are not reading

spk_1:   7:04
and I would add to that, have them participate in developing the schedule, Yes, get more buy in. Obviously you're in charge at the set. The absolute what happens. But get them to be a part of it.

spk_0:   7:15
Okay, Now let's move. Thio the $64 million question and that is schooling. Um, we're in a, uh, in the second part of the show. We're gonna be talking, taking questions, reading questions that have been submitted and we have quite a few that have been submitted. Uh, but let's start off with just some general guidelines for how much time should you be spending on in the schedule you're creating on academics on school? And and obviously it's going to depend on the age of the child. So let's say preschool K through first grade about how much time would you suggest should be spent on school?

spk_1:   7:54
You know, this is a hard question because there are some Children who, even with their trauma backgrounds, they love school. They find it validating that. Fine, though I can do this. I'm with some Children. Can't stand it because the work is being asked of them is challenging when Children are challenged, a lot of times it helps. It really ignites that negative belief system that says that they're stupid, that they're not okay. And so I have a hard time with actually giving a a time frame. What I want you to do is recognize your own Children. What is their timeframe now, the educators maybe asking you to spend two hours, two hours on this and two hours on that, whatever their breakdown is, and I think parents. You all know your Children best, and so think about how much of a tolerance I have. If it's math and they struggle with math, do not set two hours aside. That might be two minutes. Well, even though the educators asking for 30 minutes. So it's which is I talked about routine and being able to sit with it. I want you to first start with being flexible and recognizing How much can your child tolerate? What is their window of tolerance? And so, as I say that I I feel the negative and the resistance around that a little bit because our kids are being asked to do work. And as parents, you all are being asked to make sure they get that work done. But I'm saying be a little more free with it because you know what? They may not be able to do it. I the minute that there is resistance. The minute there there is a pencil being broken or a ah, you know, curse were coming. Our a paper being thrown. You know what? The lesson is over. I want us to be able to make sure that learning is fun learning is something that our Children can embrace and can engage in. So, uh, I guess with this also, I want us to recognize that most schools are gonna be out until the end of the school year. Listen, we also have summer if you take the pace at half. The patient still got the rest of the summer. I'd rather have two hours of work that is loving and fun, engaged rather than four hours of work. That is a fight in the struggle and tantrums.

spk_0:   10:03
You okay? So no, Your kid and also know you're know the realities of your life. If you are a single parent working from home with two kids who both have learning challenges, then that's just the reality of your life. And you're not gonna get us much done. And so what? Just, you know, the they're not going to school is not gonna fire you as a teacher. And if they do, you might say thank goodness, yes. Please fire me. Uh, this is not my job. So, uh, take into account the realities of your life. So let's just touch very briefly on what some of the challenges parents might face. Um takes stepping into the role of teacher, and and now that the schools have shut down and I will, I will throw one out, I'll start us. And that is one that we have heard a lot about. And that is power struggles where the child doesn't recognize you. I'm not asking us where to talk more specifically when we get started dressing questions. But let's just address some right now of the challenges parents were facing. So power struggles is one What? What are some of the others that you're saying?

spk_1:   11:08
You know, I think that kids they don't want to do bring this work at home. A lot of our Children know that when they go to school, they do the work. When they come home, they do something else. They relax. And so now, seeing that the conversion of both of these in one environment is very challenging, I think that the power struggle, peace is also a consideration of. Now the parent has to be in dual roles the role of a teacher and the role of a parent. And for a lot of Children that just doesn't work. The combination doesn't work, and so um can I just elaborate a little bit on that? Sure. Why that's so challenging is because when a child goes to school and I have a teacher, there is no risk, right? As far as that teacher loving them forever, that teacher seeing, you know, judging them, there's a risk in the classroom, but they know that they're gonna have a new teacher next year. Oh, well, don't get along. So what? But with a parent, this is a relationship that's a lifetime. Or, as with all of our foster Children, is all they have right now. And so the risk is really high. And to say that if I the child can't get this problem right, then my mom and my dad, they're not gonna love me. They're not gonna like me. They're gonna kick me out. And so all said now you have security looked in with academics, and that's why you will see the anger flare up in the resistance flare up because you now have combined relationship with academics with, and that this is just too much is too challenging. And I think that's why when the reason I say back off, you know what if that relationship is being compromised due to the academics. Guess what? Stop reconnect, build relationships and then maybe jump back in once you have a little bit of time to settle.

spk_0:   12:57
I think that's such good advice. All right. Now let's hit some tips for home schooling our kids during the Corona virus. Let's give people something they can quick at the beginning that they can be thinking about. Well, I'll start the 1st 1 we've really already mentioned and that is established a daily routine that includes time for academics. But define academics broadly,

spk_1:   13:21
absolutely, and be creative. Know it. This is a time for all of us to step back and kind of slow down and redo and rethink. And so instead of doing that work sheet of math problems, how about you go into the closet and you clean out the closet and you count the number of shoes and you have, you know, 10 pairs of shoes and you take away three pairs of shoes? How many pairs issues do you have? I want us to be able to just use our daily life rather than saying OK, now this is school time. Sit down. We got to go and learn because it doesn't work that way with our Children. Especially right now. How can you incorporate the learning with being able to build connecting order? The things you conjoined with? So you know what? The top of my head, I would tell you. I'm out of this. I home school, my Children 20 years ago. So somewhere these air not coming straight to me. But what the basic premise is this Because every family is gonna be different. Every solutions that we different. The basic premise is Adul. I create some learning around our family activities. How can we use what we have in the resource is off our home and still have fun? You know, Dawn does the piece of Smith's ing. We've lost the fund that lost the joy, and that's very easy to do in a time like this, but you can capture it. And so I think, just step back and we're told so many resources on the Internet. YouTube is filled with them. Have your Children do their I have your Children create a YouTube channel on how to do their homework, right? What? What can you do? That is different that would put them in the different light rather than they are demanded and commanded and required to do something. Step back, create. Have fun. Bring the joy back.

spk_0:   15:08
Well, that ties directly into our second tip, which is to relax expectations and give yourself some grace focusing which repeating what you just said attachment and connection is more important than the academics. So utilize this time to make that your focus and take the pressure off of yourself to keep them up in school.

spk_1:   15:29
And I will address that as well because I know when I did Holmes go my Children, I had to do that. And that was really hard for me. I come from a family of educators like my grandmother with the teacher, my mom to teach a twin sisters and teacher like education, and my family was number one. It was all about what college did you graduate from, right? So with that, like big load, I had to say, 00 about today we're good, you know, like it went against my biology. Stop the academics on. So I know that there are gonna be families out there that feel that and I will just say I feel your pain. But I also want to give you the hope that when you are able to step back and be able to de stress our Children brains, we're going to be able to learn the material in a different way. They're gonna go to retain the information we have to slow down. So I just want to put that out there as a as an empathetic heart to say I feel your pain. But also let it go. I totally agree with you. Let it go. You will be able to come back to it. I've seen this time and time again with other Children with my own Children. I will say both my Children between six years older, both college graduates and there was a time I absolutely stop every part of academics and kindergarten first and second grade.

spk_0:   16:49
Yeah, um, I said this last week, but whether your Children get into Harvard is really not going to make this next couple of months. Will have no bearing on that whatsoever. Eso Harvard or are there are even the community college down the street? Um, Arthur Tip is, if possible, set up a space to do schoolwork, and it can remain undisturbed. Um, I realize that that is not always possible. But if your child is working on something gets so that they don't have to reset up every time. It might make it easier and less resilient. Face less resistance. So having a space if you can. And the last tip is

spk_1:   17:33
can I just add to that is where your place? Yeah, Absolutely. Sometimes we think it has to be a desk with a chair. No, it doesn't. It could be very flexible. I don't care if it's underneath your dying new table with a cushion and a blanket, and that's the space they use. Allow them to be comfortable. And I've always said if they read the book standing on their head then yea, right. So, you know, just expand a little bit and maybe ask them Where do you want your space to do your work? And you know what it will be. I guarantee it will be different than a desk in a chair because they want to

spk_0:   18:06
know how uncomfortable. Yeah, that's a really good point. And get there by in a CZ. Well, in our last one, which is you've already stated. It is to de emphasize worksheets and and and school books and focus on helping our kids love books and love learning and learning for the sake of satisfying curiosity. That that if you take the focus off of the actual books, uh, workbooks or whatever and focus on using this time to help our kids fall back in love with learning, it will be time well spent.

spk_1:   18:38
I think that's a beautiful statement falling back on the lever, learning there are Children so that there's just so much resistance around it, and that pains my heart. That's why so much of the work I do now is with educators is to help Children. You'll find that sense of curiosity again. I'm a lifetime learner, and I want that for all of our Children. So we have to be able to give it back to them and our Children. Very experiential. Doing a worksheet isn't gonna work, and she'll maybe show them the worksheet and say, This is the content. How would you do if you were the teacher? How would you do it? Okay, let's create that. Let's go in the backyard. What can we do that is different. How can we create this in a different way? And so again, be very kinesthetic? Very hands on. Very You know, I I know that a lot of parents are tired. They don't want about your craft and everything. That's just one more mess to clean up. Uh, but I do thing is having a few more hands on tools without going too extreme will benefit everyone in the family.

spk_0:   19:39
I want to remind everyone that this show is underwritten by the jockey being Family Foundation. Post permanency. Post adoption support programs are vital to helping preserve families. However, the availability of these programs is not always communicated clearly during the adoption process. Legal professionals judges and are essential to encouraging the use of these service is as permissible by law. It's not all those mystical, but judges, court clerks and adoption agencies can order backpacks through the jockey. Being family would like to shift to the courthouse for adoption. To find out how to get your free backpack. Please visit jockey being family dot com slash backpack program or discuss jockey being family dot com and click on the word backpack. And if you're a parent. Listening to this let your agency know about the availability of joining the backpack program. It's free to them. It's free to you. And, uh, it's just a great resource, all right? We are talking with Heather Forbes about surviving homeschooling our kids during the Corona shutdown. Heather is the, uh, is the author of many books, but including Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control, as well as her newest book, Classroom 1 80 A framework for creating, Sustaining and Assessing the Trauma Informed Classroom. Well, we let our audience know that we were going to be talking with you. We got lots of questions, so I'm just gonna jump in with some of our questions. The 1st 1 is from Alexia, she says. How can I get through to my child? My daughter questions everything I say. If the teacher says it, it's okay, but when she hears it from me, then it's up for debate. We get her home work through the school platform, Emerita together, but she seems not to understand that assignments come from the teacher and not from me. Major communications problems that make homework hours very frustrating for both thoughts on that one.

spk_1:   21:42
You know, I feel the frustration here and I think began. It's so important for us to be able to understand why must always go back. Why I always gonna ask that question, which is driving this child's behavior. Why can this child do it for the T shirt? But not do it then for the parent and I always go back to that risk factor is that the parent child relationship is at risk. If the child has to do something, doesn't do it well, her in her mind, she's saying, My mom's not gonna love mejust. I'm gonna be, you know, rejected, abandoned. It's gonna hit every rejection issue. And so we're combining relationship deep, solid relationship. Where should be relationship with academics? And so we have to separate. The two are Children very visual. So you'll you'll see. The light of the answers I give are very visual answers. So first thing that comes to mind is take a picture of your daughter's teacher and print it out, and I know that was gonna color printers one of that luxury right now, but printed on a black and white picture. Put it right there was. She's sitting and say, I want you to act like you're talking to your teacher. I'm going to just step away. I'm just No, think of me as invisible. This is for your teacher again. I'm sure the parent has said this, but we haven't had the visual. And our Children are all about the now, like you're here now. Therefore, you're the teacher, so but putting a picture of the T shirt, it could at least start to make a little bit of shift here as well. And I again the the dynamic is so much different. If the parent is feeling frustrated, here's the other thing that we have to all be able to step back. If the parent is frustrated and you're getting to these arguments, I want to say at that moment, just stop. I want the parent instead of pushing and pushing and pushing and trying to convince this little girl that's not about her being the teacher and all the dynamics Just stop and just say, you know, sweetheart, this is really hard. I love you. And you know what? We can't jump into these arguments because we're continuing the momentum and we're continuing the resistance. We have to stop the resistance somehow and be able to shift, and you can do that. There's all sorts of things. You said. You know what? Right now there's a lot of tension, blood of frustration. We're both upset. How about we try on your favorite music and we just dance? I love the idea of using something like that to break the pattern to break the beam. Oh, Mental as well.

spk_0:   24:09
Great suggestions. Okay, we have two questions that are kind of similar moment. Rain read them. Both wanted from Melissa, she says. Any good tips for helping kids in a different in age ranges? First grade through middle school was in our house. And then a similar question from Sam. How to handle an occupy many ages so that all can focus on school. We have a two year old, three row, five year old six year old in 16 year old all our home constantly, Um, and let's say Baba 16 year old is easily distracted and needs guidance, but complains that she cannot focus one at the table when I home school of the younger kids. Ah, yet when sent to work independently in her room. Rarely she accomplishes anything, all right, so both Melissa and Sam are asking different variations of the same question. So you've got multiple angel rages and multiple involvement needs how much time it takes from a parent to help with it. How do you handle all those different age ranges?

spk_1:   25:10
My ideal answer would be to say, to do it at different times now, if you have a parent who is also trying to get their work done and all the other things air required. But let's just talk about first as that as a solution, we can add a few in, If that's maybe not. What's available is that maybe then the 16 year old, uh, maybe her task is to I'll be able to create something in the kitchen, right? Whether that's a snack or a lunch or something to go research a new recipe, right? So send them on a task that they enjoy. But it is still contributing to that household, while then the parent can be able to work with the younger ages around that, and then, when his time for the parent to be able to help that 16 year old, maybe that's, you know, especially two and three year old. Maybe that's during naptime. Andi. Just the quiet time, even or five and six year olds. They may not be taking naps, but certainly they need quiet time. And so that is the time that those Children are in their rooms or in the corner of the living room, waiting there. Books are coloring or something, and so I would make that very distinct. And you know what? This would also, especially with this home, where you have lots of little ones. And the 16 year old that's 16 year old, uh, needs wore one on one time with that parent. And so if you were able to somehow designed that, I think that you would see how that 16 year old then would be able to do a little more work independently. Once they dick it the attention of the parent. We tend to think that 16 year olds are totally independent. No, they're not even our, you know, our typical kids who are 16 especially our Children, who have that trauma there emotionally, much younger, and not to forget that they also need that one on one time. Mmm. Now let's address it. Let's say that's not a possibility. Um, then you know what I think it has to be, because even a six year old is gonna have a different bed time than the two and three year old right and the five and six year old. So I just think you have to split it up. One parent trying to navigate all these age ranges just isn't gonna work.

spk_0:   27:18
Yeah, and, uh, from Melissa, she's got all elementary school on. Some of those could be combined. She has up to middle schoolers. Um, if it were me, I think I would If I were Sam, I would probably not worry about doing education of the ninja's life for the 235 and six year old. Honestly, I would make education being reading a book are So while you're engaging your younger Children and say a book on tape or ah have their YouTube or authors or reading books. So letting those those four your 235 and six year old do something that is entertaining them and call it education. Ah, and it is education they're being read to on. Then work with your 16 year old and not expect the 16 year old have to be competing with it with the other kids and for the and some variation that could be adapted for Melissa as well. She doesn't say how many kids she has, but ah, have the ah, the oldest work with the youngest while the middle school. Or work with the first grader on the basics of reading and then work with the two third and fifth grader on whatever their assignments are, and then switch off and then work with the, uh, the older child one on one, something along those lines.

spk_1:   28:43
Yeah, you know, I think that we also need to look at here is that I have a little formerly when I work with families and it's called 10 2010 and it's 10 minutes in the morning with each child individually, 20 minutes after school to pick clay, ordering another and in the middle of the day, in 10 minutes in the evening with every single child. Individually, I think that our kids right now especially need that individual time and again this is a formula. It's ideal. It might need to go down to 5 10 5 it can be with each of the parents. That could be just what you pick it back with the parents. What does it take again As two parents. But if you have one pair, just the minimize the time we've got to be able to spend that quality time with our Children were asking them to spend time doing their work. And we have to, I believe, balance that out with one on one time in that time that we spend with them is their time to dictate what happens. And so that might mean that you're on the floor playing with, uh, with with Barbie. You're, uh no G I, Joe, I'm These were sold references. By the way, the RV is our hot wheels are Lian Avengers Area S O. But you spend time doing what they want to do, then your ability to ask them to do what is required for school at any level is going to be opened up just a little bit further.

spk_0:   30:11
National. We received another question talking about attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. She says that she has been struggling with ideas on how to get the wiggles out. It's been cold and raining where she lives and her child is really struggling with focus.

spk_1:   30:27
You know, I think that there's so many things on YouTube to be able to help us sell one that I love is called Brain Jim. So just go to YouTube Kaiping Brain Jim and what I love about this. It's very much designed to help Children be able to regulate back through their brains, just crossing the left and right hemispheres to be able to settle down their brains. But it's also being done through physical motion, and you can then incorporate this even with an academic lesson. And I saw in one video one time a teacher, she was doing the brain Jim, cross crawl and counting by twos. So physically you're moving about. But yet you're also then incorporating, you know, county by twos again. Whatever that lesson is, I'm sure you can be creative to create to find a way around that. So look on YouTube. I This is hard. I'm young in Colorado right now, are about to have some snow, So yeah, I get it. It's really hard in that cabin fever, especially with Children who have so much energy but push the couches back, create an environment where Children can move around and be old and move the couches back later. That's just again. It's movement moving things in. And now. And don't be afraid to do that. We have to really adjust to how our homes are, are become the environment that works for our Children. And don't be afraid to be able to do that. But, yeah, movement through the Internet through brain Jim, especially. I'm number one recommendation.

spk_0:   31:54
Okay, this is from Beth, she says. My kindergarten son, adopted at age three from foster care, is way behind his peers in school. And now this. The school has sent home worksheets, and I've ordered a big book of work shakes. I am so afraid that he's gonna fall even further behind.

spk_1:   32:12
So I hear a lot of fear out of this parent and, you know, rightfully so. But when a parent is in that type of fear, that is going to really be felt by that child. And as much as this is all about the intention of wanting to get this child caught up, what I feel is a lot of fear, and again that's going to create resistance and the inability for this child to be able to be open to those worksheets on Let's talk about the worksheets. I think that worksheets are half their time in place, but especially right now, when we have the ability to do things a little bit differently, I want the work should to maybe put aside, look at the worksheets and again think, How can I do this with more creative work? How can I do more hands on not to make that like one more thing to do, but to ask yourself the question, How can we have fun with this? How could this just be a little bit different? I also want to say this is that this is actually an opportunity for us to put some of these requirements of school on pause, even with the Children that are behind. So let me explain a little bit further, you know, the whole world right now is being asked to pause to stop, and what we're seeing with the world is a wow. You know, the pollution is going to help. The environment is coming back. I read somewhere that dolphins are swimming in Italy again, like it is a pause for things to come back into alignment further, the bounds to come back. And maybe this is exactly what this child needs is to stop the momentum of not doing well to reconnect, realign, allow your kids to take that pause also and then moved back into the academics and maybe some work. She's in some things, but I really want us to step back and say We're taking a pause. Can we allow our Children to take a pause? Maybe they're calling for a pause as well. If a child is further and further behind that, just say said, the momentum is so strong. Stop the momentum. I think about it as is is Boulder this rolling down a hill? And you hear this foster parent, you're trying to push that boulder back up the hill goes there further and further behind. What I want to say is, let the ball to roll all the way down the hill until it stops. Then get on top of the boulder, pull out the worksheet then, but let the momentum subside.

spk_0:   34:39
And I would think that also use this opportunity and we said it before the first part of the show to help our kids fall back in love with the idea of learning and help them love books and maybe may already love books. But even if he doesn't, it could be being read to. It could be looking at picture books, even though he's five, and you might think that she should be past that. Our books on a topic he's interested in, even if you can't actually read them. Uh, just enjoy books. And count that, as as an academic, and let him learn the basics of math by cooking with You are by, you know, counting the number of cracks in the sidewalk when you go for a walk or by whatever. Uh, you could teach babies, kindergarten, some basics, addition and subtraction just through every infractions, even through everyday life, and find out something he's interested in. Um, is he fascinated by trucks? Is he obsessed with the Avengers, finds something he's interested in and helped him learn how to learn more about it on his own. If our kids can learn howto learn, then they will be, as you said at the beginning of a lifelong larder, and that may be the greatest gift we can give our kids.

spk_1:   35:53
And you know, I love that about reading. I remember just talking to a mom whose child had so much resistance reading, and she finally just stopped trying to make him. And so she read to him. I mean, first and second grade. He still wasn't reading, and she just kept reading to him every night, every day. By third grade, that child picked up 1/3 grade book and was just reading on his own. And so it's just fascinating to me how Children do learn differently in that that relationship to be able to read with your Children. I One thing I loved when I did with my kids is I had a lot of resistance or reading with them. I would just read to to them, like I remember we read The Wizard of Odds. And then we watched the movie, and then my kids loved it because they're like, Well, that wasn't what was in the book. She didn't really have red shoes. She had sooner shoes. And so I knew that they actually listened. They got the content and so do things that could be fun like that and read to them. Uh, you know, you can also create things like puppet shows and act these things out again. More Candace. Take learning.

spk_0:   36:58
All right. Another question from Lauren, she said last week. I was loving all the ideas that people were posting for educational things you could do with your kids this week. I'm just tired. Everything requires my time to implement or do or supervise. I'm lucky to still have a job, and I want to keep it. So I'm working from home and cooking all of our meals. I have no time for myself, and I'm trying to find time in the early morning and late night toe work. How can we do it all? And what can they do by themselves when they are either too young to learn by themselves or too unfocused?

spk_1:   37:30
You know, this is so true. I love that, she says. I'm just tired and you know what? I think we have to honor that. Yes, Tired. Actually, She's drug ling everything so the expectations have to shift. And instead of cooking dinner that is a home cooked meal, you know what? Throw in the frozen pizza and be done and be good with it and not to require all these things that you may have been able to do in the past. And this is again just temporary. If you wanna have a pajama date, have a Pajama Day and maybe instead of if she's tired. You know, I'm not an advocate for TV, but let's do a movie day and we make popcorn and we relax. And if you're tired, allow yourself time to recoup with your Children. You're right, you're you're not trying to be Mom of the Year Lorne. This is You are already an awesome mom, and trying to do all the things that all the other moms and dads were doing can be exhausting. I think one of the things we have to stop doing is comparing this great to get on the Internet. Fine ideas. But don't let that make you feel like you're not up to speed. No, you honor ho. You are what your capabilities are, what you can do. And don't judge yourself. Validate yourself around that

spk_0:   38:48
and don't realize that people are put what they're posting online. Is there highlight reel. It's not their everyday life So

spk_1:   38:57
you didn't see him yelling at the kid right before they took the picture?

spk_0:   39:00
Yeah, yeah, exactly. All right. The next one is from Mike. My 16 year old son has decided, apparently to blow off the rest of the year. There are classes in assignments online, but he either refuses to attend or doesn't engage when attending. He has always hated school, and now he says, that school has invaded his only safe place home. How hard should I push? What is my role in what is the school's role?

spk_1:   39:23
I love this child. I will have everything he has identified. That school has invaded his Onley save place. That is so telling, and I think that he is reflecting so many of the same feelings a lot of our Children are. There is a separation between home in school, and that's a really important piece. So and what to do now? I think that you honor this. Do it this child and you said, You know you're absolutely right. This is an invasion. Let's pull together. Let's build more family. First, let's let's create some more family activities. You're 16 years old and you're funny things that you want to do? Probably not with me, but you're stuck with me as your parent I'll doing with you. You know, if you just sit down and you play that video game with them again, not all day long. But spend 30 minutes and you're finding out what's in his world, what game he likes to play or on tic tac talker on Snapchat or Instagram. Go on and say, I don't know how to do this, Setting up an account for me so I can get on and, you know, get into their world, have them show you. Allow some space around that and then to say, You know, we are gonna have to get back to school and but maybe we'll take a week off. Here's the other thing if you're tired, if your need to just stop, take a week off and allow your families to come back to that balance again, we're asking the momentum of this virus to stop. The reason we are all being answer stay home is we're being asked to get the momentum of this virus of this disease to stop. I think that is a great analogy of what we have to do. Also, while we're inside the home, we have to get that mo mentum of negativity to stop. And so that might mean taking a week off for two weeks off and to say But listen, after that two weeks, we are going to go back to school, so well, we're doing these fun things in the house. I want you to think about how you can be able to come back to school and be able to do it. It is gonna have to happen. So you put that boundary in place. We are gonna get back to school. But we're taking a two week break, just like the world is taking a two week cause. But you think about what's going on. What are your ideas? I haven't make that happen. And you know what? I think when you empower your Children to be able to do that, give a little bit of space to breathe, recognize that he's absolutely right. That school hasn't invaded his safe place. You validate you recognize you on power, but you set that boundary that says OK. But in two weeks, and in fact this is the calendar again, draw a calendar. We can't just go out and buy one right now. Draw a calendar and market. You say this is the day that will come back and do all this. You know, during the holidays, we have those Advent calendars. So when's the big day? I think we do. The same thing is not an anxiety provoking idea, but to say, Okay, we're down to day five now. We're gonna enjoy this day, and then we'll come back around,

spk_0:   42:17
okay? Yeah. Given to empower House or give him some space. And, uh, at some point, boredom may kick in. Yeah,

spk_1:   42:24
you're right. Exactly. But join them in their world.

spk_0:   42:26
Yeah. Okay. Perfect. Let me pause and tell everyone that this show is brought to you by the support of our partners. And these are agencies that believe in our mission. They believe in providing engaging pre and post adoption. Resource is support education and training for familes. One such partner is Children's connection there. An adoption agency providing service is for domestic infinite options and embryo donation adoption throughout the U. S. They also do home studies and post adoption support two families in Texas and we have Mr Domar. They are a license nonprofit adoption agency with over 65 years of experience helping to create families. They offer home study only surfaces as well as full serving, full service, infinite option international Home Studies and posted option Foster to adopt programs. And you can find more information about them at Vista del mar dot or GE. All right, we are talking with Heather Forbes about how to educate our kids now that they are home with us, which in most places looks like it may be for the rest of the year. Ah, all right, we have one from Chez. Have a question from Chez, she says. I am really struggling with my adopted daughter with special needs to lower my expectations for her, while tried to give her the structure and routine she desperately crazed. How did I strike that balance?

spk_1:   43:56
So when I read this, I hear the struggle about lowering expectations with a child with special needs. You know, I think that we have to recognize that our Children do have some limitations and it's okay to lower them. I think that we tend to want hurt our Children and again she I don't know if this is how you're feeling, but it just as a general, please, we tend to want our Children to be able to be more capable than they are able to do more things to be like the kid next door. Then we have to really step back and go, Oh, no. I adopted a child that does have some special needs. She is doing the best she can in these moments. And I can't. I can't put these expectations on her because, as we all know, that the doctor, parents, foster parents, if we put to have an expectation they woke not only crumble, they will collapse. And so, getting past that struggle and that recognition of understanding what are the abilities of your child? Stop comparing. Stop thinking. You want something different and I I hope that doesn't come off harsh. This is what I mean. I had to deal with it myself. And so making sure that I recognize where my Children's abilities were and they were met by my reality as well is unconditional. Love is accepting. Okay, this is who they are. I can't make them someone different if we're constantly pushing and pushing to create something different than who aren't Children are. Then we will stay in an absolute constant struggle. So it is a balance of its first recognizing. What can she do? What is she capable of? And here's the other piece. Most of our Children will be more capable when they are regulated when they are in balance, when they are calm when we reduce the stress. That's when we see Children being able to rise above what we thought they could. So the number one priority here is going to be making sure that we de stress that we create balance. We come back into alignment, and then when we can do that, you will see that even we lower those expectations are kids will meet and exceed them.

spk_0:   46:16
All right, Here's one from Laura. She wants tips and strategies for Tweens and teens who want to do their schoolwork independently but don't have the executive functioning ability to manage their studies. First of all, I'd say good. I'm glad that you're lucky that you have 18. I shouldn't say lucky when you're asking a question that doesn't make you feel good when somebody says, Ah, that's nothing

spk_1:   46:38
but good. Good for your Tween and teen

spk_0:   46:40
for wanting to work independently, because that's another problem. But that's not your. So we will address yours.

spk_1:   46:46
I think we look at what parts can they do independently? And what parts can they not? Executive functioning is definitely something that they're having to catch up on. So what can you give them control over. And that might be something as simple as Where do you want to do your work? You don't have to stay here at the kitchen counter to do it. Do you want to do it in your room? I'm gonna be with you, you know? But where do you want to do it? And so I think in a situation like this even just stepping back from a broader perspective, all of us have had to manage. What things do I have control over what things do I know how control over. And so if you have a Tween that wants that independence, decipher Okay, well, you know, maybe they do this on a blue piece of paper. And so the white piece apparently they used the peep instead of the blue pin. Right? Find the things you can give them choices that they can have that independence. So they feel that sense of empowerment, that sense of I'm choosing this on my own and then be able to Ben as the adult, go in and be able to help them with the executive functioning deficits that they are having. We gotta get, empower them. It's just some level and like you said, Don, that's something we want them to be independently want them to engage with that, and we can be able to pull back then on the things we have to when we're allowing the other things to be in their control.

spk_0:   48:12
And here's a question from Tracy, who is facing a different problem. And that is her child, who was a Tween is too wrapped up in school grades, really a CZ, her identity and she goes way overboard on time spent doing school murder, and I assume she's talking about even now, what school is home. She's she's still trying Thio be the teacher spent you know, to over to overachieve. Yes. So

spk_1:   48:38
we should get what to do about that. Yeah, that's our validation. Validation is schoolwork. And just so yes, she she needs that sense of. I'm all right. I'm okay. I'm lovable. So we have to help her be able to find that internally. This is probably a great, great time to be able to shift that for her. I mean, it's it's kind of her drug, right? It's a positive one, but it's not something that will serve her. She's the type of child who end up being the workaholic and not having fun in life. And so this is a great time to stop. And I think that through all my work, especially in the helper Billy. But there's a chapter. Chapter six is all about a child's belief system, and in that book I talk a lot about how we build our Children's sense of self, their self identity, their self esteem. And it can't be something that the parent does. That parent can just say, Oh, you're smart, you're awesome, you're dependable and give all these affirmations from us as parents that will never work, especially with between, and so we want to get them to be able to build their identity and to I love affirmations. I think affirmations are basically like programming at the mind to be able to love themselves. And so there's a lot of work out there they could look up affirmations for for Children. Uh, Louise Hay has a lot of information. I got some in my book and talk about then how to build the sense of self. And sometimes it can come through a story, and I don't think I don't think I know where all the top of my head. But most stories are books. They're gonna be about the main character who is trying to find validation. Trying to find love is probably pretty easy to find. So have a discussion about a book that maybe she has read and talk about her son. So because you don't want to address his point blank with that child, they're not gonna listen. Do it through 1/3 party, like a character on black and talk about Well, what are the things that this child needs to know about themselves? How can they learn to be able to build that sense of self? And so I think this is a great time to work on self identity. When you say

spk_0:   50:45
affirmation, give us an example of what

spk_1:   50:46
your information as far as like, um to be able to repeat in your head to say I am beautiful. I am lovable. I am awesome. Go through the alphabet. Here's a great one for adjectives. Go through a through Z a. I am awesome. B. I am brilliant. See, I am charismatic. D. I am dependable, right? So you can go through them Fine adjectives that are very self building based off of the line of the alphabet.

spk_0:   51:16
Okay, positive self

spk_1:   51:18
ness. Because I'm going to add to that. It's only a virtual, especially a doctored foster care. They're negative. Self talk is so ingrained they've had your biological parents and other adults in their lives point blank. Tell them you're the problem. You're awful, your horrible or they've experienced situations where they became the one that decided Oh, well, my parents couldn't get their lives together. They must not love me. That means I'm not lovable on the back. It is my fault. So our Children are walking around every single day with these negative negative messages in their heads. And so I see this Tween being able to feel better at school because she gets in and the papers she feels good with. They only last a little bit. So she's got to get the next day and the next day and the next day. And so it's almost like they are addicted to trying to feel good. And they are, because having that negative message in your head feels pretty bad all the time.

spk_0:   52:16
Okay? And our last question, I think, is going to be right down your alley. This is from Brian, he says. How do parents stay motivated? Especially when we're trying to juggle work, house work and our own sense of anxiety about the state of the world. And we don't get the lunch break, recess time and prep periods that teachers have. I am beat.

spk_1:   52:38
This is all my ill because I think I do it. Uh, this is my favorite work is working with parents and to help and sustain not just their sanity, but to find their way back to love and find their joy again. You know, I think we're just on this planet to have to find out what love is to find what joy is you. Joy is the absolute requirement for attachment for a relationship. So, Brian, I want you to step back and I know you have all these stressors. Obviously, stay away from the news. I step step into the news, find out what's going on in the world and then step out of it. That's the number one piece. I think parents after really recognized. Um, don't be oblivious to it. I think we do need to stay aware. But don't keep singing in on the background all day long and then to find joy. So Okay, well, what are the things in this household? Why do you have a family? Why did you create a family? What does that go back to? Some of the basics and realign? Reestablish yourself to say What is family about family is about fun. I talked about, you know, dancing and putting on music and creating music. If you have that ability singing songs, going back to board games and again, I know you've got work that is part of your requirement. But when we can pull back and during those times that we aren't filled with our work, make sure that you are filling those moments with joy. And Hannah said this over and over this this conversation. Step back with the academics if you have to. And I you know, I know there's gonna be some teachers. Listen to that. And I hope you guys understand why we're saying that because stressing out about school is gonna make it worse when kids go back to school. And so step back, realign, Find your joy. Understand why you have a family to begin with. What were those idealistic thought you had before you even started this journey? Go back to those They're still real. They're still possible. And just take that deep breath and know that this too shall pass. And I do believe that when we come out of this as a society, as a world, as even our individual families, we will be stronger around that. It is in the face of adversity that we find our strength. We find our meeting, we find our ability to move to that next level of involving and trust that just trusted. We're going to get there and ah, in the process to do that is going to be very important, you know, Here's the other piece. I wanna add into that just as, ah, little technique. So if you have all these things to do, Brian, think about every time you go to do something. Okay? Now we're gonna have lunch. Think about what do you want that lunch time to be like? Do you want it to be fun? You want to be joyful? What do you want to gain out of it, then? When you're done with lunch, Okay, I go back to work. But what I want on my work, okay? I want to have fun with my work. I won't be focused. I wanna be able to get this one task done. Okay. What's the next thing you do? My point is that every segment of the day I want you to be cognizant. I want you to be aware I want you to stop and sort of pre paved the way what that next segment is going to be alike. It's not always gonna be like that, you know, But we have to put the intention to it. We have to put the focus on. We have to create that before we join it. Otherwise, you kind of get lost and swallowed up into this. It's just stressful pieces, anxiety and all the things going on, segment your day piece by piece and put a intention for every part of that day. You know what I have in my in my office here and in my home are all around my home, our little post it notes, and some of those just say, Stop and breathe Or there's a smiley face or there's a a word that says, you know, segment right now and they're reminders me through my day to stop, take a pause, realign and then jump into the next segment.

spk_0:   56:31
Good advice Us in here, thinking only sticky note I have is one. It's on the inside of my medicine cabinet when you open the mirror in front of my sink and it says balance on one foot. Apparently, I decided that was something. Ah,

spk_1:   56:44
year or so ago, I needed to do it. I love it.

spk_0:   56:46
Done it Probably. I've only done it three times, I'm sure, but I do see it now. Go.

spk_1:   56:50
Oh, yeah. And that pick up one foot in balance. It stops. The negative momentum get you back to a place of balance. I love the foot because that means your half of the imbalance on they

spk_0:   57:00
exchange. I would like to think that it actually was deeper and balance in life. I actually think it meant just balance someone, but Okay, I'm gonna go there with it. I'm going to say that I was much deeper and I really met Balance. The flood foot part didn't matter. Thank you so much. Heather Forbes. Heather is the author of Beyond Consequences. Logic and Control and her newest book is Classroom 1 80 Let me remind everybody that the information given in this interview is general advice. To understand how it applies to your specific situations, you need to work with your adoption or foster care. Professional. Thank you for joining us today. Everyone. We will see you next week.