Surviving Being Cooped Up with Your Kids During Coronavirus Isolation

Are you stressed trying to figure out how you are supposed to do it all now that we are in self-isolation due to the Coronavirus? How do we deal with challenging behaviors and try to work, cook, teach, and generally survive. We talk with Carol Lozier, a licensed clinical social worker with over twenty-five years’ experience counseling children and families. She specializes in adoption and foster care issues, and is the author of the book The Adoptive & Foster Parent Guide.

Transcript

spk_0:   0:08
welcome everyone to creating a family. Talk about adoption and foster care. Today, we're going to be talking about something really relevant to almost everyone who is listening, surviving, being cooped up with your kids during the Corona virus isolation. We're getting a lot of emails and social media messages and post from foster parents and those who have adopted kids who've experienced early life trauma. We have also been getting e mails and social media messages imposed from just all types of parents. So we're gonna do this a little different. We're going to address some of the specific concerns of Foster and parents who have adopted older kids or kids who've experienced early life trauma. We're gonna do that at the first part, and then the rest will be for all parents. However, I suspect that all parents, regardless of where they're kiddos, regardless of whether there kiddos have experienced early life trauma, will benefit from the first part because we're going to be sharing tips that gonna help all families. So without further ado, let me just say, I am so happy to have with us today. One of my favorites, Carol OSHA Harold, is a licensed clinical social worker with over 25 years, variants, castling, Children and families. She specializes in adoption and foster care issues, and she is the author of one of the books. I Always recommend. It's were truly one of my favorites, and it's the adoptive and foster parent guide. She also has a new book that will be coming out within the next couple of weeks, called DVT Therapy and Activity. Ideas for Working with Kids and Caregivers. And that's basically aiming for kids between the ages of six and 12 and what that is is coping skills for parents. So we're gonna talk more at the end about those about the books, because I'm really excited to hear about the new one. But oh, without further ado, let me say, Welcome, Carol,

spk_1:   1:57
Thank you. Thank you so much

spk_0:   2:01
during this strange time how we are all living in self isolation, no school. And for many of us working at home or being out of work. Ah, we're not. Surprisingly, we're getting a lot of questions from parents on how to survive and how to cope with challenging behaviors. Uh, so we're hearing a lot about families, Carol, who are struggling with acting out. But also we see some kids who whose behaviors are improving. And some of the reasons we know that Children are acting out is there has been a disruption in their schedule in their routine. No school parents at home. Just everything feels and quite frankly, is different. And let's be honest broom stress. We know that parents are stressed, and that's not only foster parents, but also their biological family. Their birth family is also stressed. Ah, and then there's just kind of this general anxiety in the air about health, about they're they're worrying about their parents and their siblings, who may or may not be living with them. They're also wondering and worrying about when things were going to return to normal. Are we all right? And honestly, especially with foster Children, there is very often a disruption in the visitation with your birth family, our birth siblings. So for all of these reasons, we know that kiddos are struggling and often times Children are struggling. They act out. But we're also seeing some kids, quite frankly, who are doing better. Why is that?

spk_1:   3:29
Yeah, I've been really surprised, I think. What What I've come to after talking to so many parents is that kids are doing better because they don't have the stress of school and the stress of Pierre navigating those pure relationships and also because their home with their family and most of the kids that I work with seem to really be doing pretty well. The teenagers were having a hard time because they want to be out there friends. But the Youngers are really overall, doing pretty well,

spk_0:   4:04
you know, And and I think where we're hearing from course, I think we're probably drawing from the audience. Who is? They're reaching out to guess because they are struggling. So we're hearing probably from more of those who are struggling right now. Carom. Let's give some general tips for parents right now during this time that are on. I know when I say easy to implement that, that I can almost feel the eyes rolling. So let me just say relatively easy to implement their doable and things that every parent should be thinking about right now to help them get through this period, that we honestly don't know how long it will last. So the 1st 1 I wanted to talk to you about is routine. Uh, how important is routine?

spk_1:   4:49
I mean, I think it's super important for parents and for kits, and, you know, it doesn't have to be, um, quite as tightly scheduled is what we're all used to. But having a general structure to the day is extremely helpful for everyone.

spk_0:   5:05
E. I agree. Kids need to be able to predict what's going to happen in their day. And let me just throw out that if your child is particularly struggling with this, consider either writing it down. If they're able to read or creating a visual picture chart, stick it to refrigerator. It does not have to be pender interest worthy on, and just so that the child knows where to go. All right. Our second tip is to give you and your child a break. Give ourselves a little grace. Let's talk briefly about that,

spk_1:   5:37
right? Well, I mean, um, you know, any time we run into difficulties in life, it's important to give ourselves a break in our Children. And so knowing that this is a tough time for everyone keeping that in mind, keeping that grace in mind.

spk_0:   5:53
Yeah, you know, and I will throw out and we'll talk about this more in the second half of the show. But, um, relaxing expectations on schoolwork. People are getting just very stressed out about that. And I think that's the first place to cut yourself some slack. Definitely. Yeah. The third tip is to find an activity or a project that you are interested in maybe really interested in and that your kids can get interested in. Some examples would be cooking, gardening, planning, your next vacation photography. I don't know, learning about African animals or something that you actually are birds of prey or whatever they have an interest in and get your kids involved. So why would that be important right now? Why would we way we add that is one of our top five tips?

spk_1:   6:39
Sure. Well, I mean, I think every day So So my busy practice hasn't changed much other than I'm completely online. Um, so every day this week, I've heard from different families how they're all cooking together and the kids love it. The two things they first want to tell me when I see them online is they want to introduce me each other pet way. Want to tell me what they're making or what they have made with with somebody in the family,

spk_0:   7:06
huh? Yeah, it's a way of of connecting. It's a way of passing the time. It's a weight of having something to look forward to. Sure, Yeah, they love it. Um, our fourth tip is to get outside whenever possible a couple of times a day. I think we don't even need to explain that. And we also you and I have discussed. We realize that that is somewhat dependent on where you live. But our list everyone eyes able to get outside and the benefit of fresh air and sunshine cannot be overstated. Ah, and our last of our top five tips is going to be on scheduling a quiet time every day where every family member is alone and quiet. So let's talk a little about that.

spk_1:   7:53
Sure. Well, of course, as a therapist, you know, the thing that I would encourage to is, um, during that quiet time would be great if everybody kept a journal and wrote about how they're feeling. And, um, you know, even for the real Littles who can't write yet, they can draw pictures about their feelings because we want to look for lots of healthy opportunities to get their kids to get kids feelings out. Because what we know is if kids aren't finding a way to express their feelings, they're going to show it in behavior,

spk_0:   8:23
okay? And for a lot of parents to their using this time to either work, to be honest, because they're trying to work from home or to recharge just the constant demands, especially if you're not used to being with your kids 24 7 The constant demand of of being on, um, can really we're hearing from so many people who say I'm just worn out. Uh, you know, my talks all the time or whatever. I just need any day. I need a break, Uh, and it's hard to get a break right now.

spk_1:   8:57
Yeah, it really is. And I think on top of that, I know for myself and talkinto lots of other therapists, you know, we're all used to doing our jobs with people, not online. And so now that we've all switched online, and I'm sure this is true for everyone, online's more exhausting.

spk_0:   9:15
It is, isn't it? I agree. Really? Yeah. And you're not used to trying. It's hard. You're trying to. You're even when you're online working, you're also multitasking. We also don't know that that's not terribly effect for one. And number two, it's exhausting. So for all those reasons, and then ties into our earlier one, which is give yourself a break. A little grace during this time. All right, so now I want to ask you, we're getting down to the nitty gritty. All right? We have We pulled our audience and found out the top four behaviors that they are finding the most annoying, shall we say right now with their kids. So if you could pull from your wonderful bag of tricks of two are two or three. However, many want ideas that families could implement this week right now, to deal with these four things. And the 1st 1 I'm sure, is gonna be a total shock to you tantrums. No, e no. That was a shocker, huh? All right. What would you suggest?

spk_1:   10:27
You know, my first suggestion is that if your kiddos prone to tantrums anyway, sort of piggyback piggyback on what one would you already mentioned? And that is outside time and not just outside time, but active time. Kids who have a lot of energy or high emotion need to find some physical ways to get that emotion out. So go outside, go on a walk. And if you don't feel like you can walk in your neighborhood, go outside and in your backyard, make a little mini obstacle course. You know, um, dumped through the hula hoop, um, put out some string and, you know, tiptoe on that, you know? Then put out Ah, Jumper, you gotta jump five times, then over on this spot, you do 10 jumping jacks. Over here, you do three Burpees like the's super creative and come up with a little obstacle course for your Kato to do. But twice a day, 20 minutes of exercise is gonna be super helpful,

spk_0:   11:29
and I would throw in. Also, you do it even if you don't do it very well are even thoroughly. Kids love it when adults participate. And to be perfectly honest, you could probably also use a stress reduction. Oh, absolutely. Okay. Anything else for tantrums?

spk_1:   11:45
I would say the other thing is, is to do maybe a reward chart reward charts are so much more effective than consequences and discipline. So you know you could break it up to a whole day or half a day. So from breakfast till lunchtime and then lunch time to dinner or the whole day. If the kid I was able to go that day without or that period of time without having a tantrum, then they earn a little sticker. And at the end of the two days, three days, four days, five days. If they have enough stickers, they can earn a reward. And, you know, for these times, like let's keep it to something they don't get to usually do that. They love to do, like, play a board game of their choice, or do an art activity that you've put on forever because it's so messy. Um, you know, allow them to do something that's a relationship based thing, because that's what we've got right now.

spk_0:   12:35
Okay, all right. Not necessarily the second most common problem, but one that we're hearing. It's one of our top four, and that is sibling arguments fighting, grumbling, sibling issues, right? Thoughts on that one. I

spk_1:   12:51
think the you know, the first And most important thing is if kids are at home a lot during the day, which we have probably are right now, there's going to be more time to squabble over things. Eso One thing would be to sort of structure time. Meaning? Okay, we're only gonna watch TV during this time. So we're only gonna have iPad during these times and so really kind of forcing them somewhat to do other activities, like do a puzzle, draw pictures, read a book, let's get them involved in activities and that aren't so much activities that they're competing for. The other thing is, make sure for parents make sure that you're not inadvertently choosing sides. Um So if there's you know, even if you feel like that, what you know, probably the one creating the problem. You know, if there's difficulties, then you know both kiddos need to go to the room for a little bit. And again you can use that behavior chart there, too. Hey, if we've got, you know, days or periods of time where you're using your worst to solve problems, right and so we always want we always want to use the way we explain things and what we want them to do versus what we don't want, right? Cause then you're kind of letting them know, Hey, this is what you need to do. So if they're using problems using there were there were solving problems, using their words Great. They they get kudos for that. They get little stickers on their chart. And if they have enough of those stickers, then they also earn a token or award or a little coupon that says, Hey, you get 30 minutes of Mom's time alone, something like that.

spk_0:   14:26
And I would go out that also another tip. We are two gay. What? Sorry, one of our top five. And that is a lone time. Kids need time away from each other just as much as we need time away from them so that they can also help. All right. Ah, a Another of the top four Biggie's arguing over screen time. Good help. I cannot wait to hear what you say. Please help me out here.

spk_1:   14:49
Yeah, well, I think some people aren't gonna like what I

spk_0:   14:51
say. Oh, I might be one of them. Okay, go ahead.

spk_1:   14:56
What we What we know is that screen time needs to be limited, and that's even during this. And I know that so hard for parents because they're at home working. Yes, and it's I mean, I get it. It's really hard. Um, you know? So let's say we give him a little extra screen time than we normally do. Um, what we know is that 45 minutes every day after homework, when we're in typical life mode and then an hour each day on the weekend. So we double that time, you know, an hour and 1/2 during the week, and then maybe up to two hours each day on the weekend. But no more than that.

spk_0:   15:33
And choose wisely. If you are working from home, then to screen time to coincide with when you need to be getting some work done or you know you're stressed to the max. I mean, for me personally, the hours between five and six are really just not my highlight, you know, they just are not. They are neither. I'm tired, and that's a good time for me to think of screen time, because on this side there's no really high quality parenting going on in my house. different people different times, but nonetheless.

spk_1:   15:59
All right, let me let me just add, I guess what I'm talking about. Screen time. I'm talking mostly about video games. Like if the family wants to sit down in the evening and watch a movie together, I'm not really counting back.

spk_0:   16:10
Oh, excellent. Ok. OK, good. Oh, thank goodness. Okay. All right. I'm feeling a little better about myself, All right? And, ah, there. Last of our top four is the need for constant parental attention. The inability to do anything by themselves are toe work by themselves. Constantly having and demanding are seeking our attention.

spk_1:   16:35
Sure. Yeah. So I think you know what we have to figure out is what's the motivation for that? Is that because they're feeling anxious? Is that because they're, um, you know, they're they're having a difficult time coming up with an idea, like, you know, or is. It just kind of goes back to They have a really short attention span, you know? Which thing is it? It's Ah, it's an issue that the child's feeling anxious and you keep saying Okay, go do this. Go do that. Do this next. You're sort of missing but they're needing. So we want to check in and make sure. Is it an anxiety issue? So if it's an anxiety about what's going on that needs to be addressed and ask them, Hey, how you feeling? What's going on? How can I help you with your feelings? What can I do to help you feel better? Um, if it's boredom, one of the things you could do is list, you know, get a paper and just list a bunch of things that they can do. One of things I know I saw, um, one parent did was she had index cards and with different colors wrote different activities that the child could do so that visually, when the child looked at the different activity cards, they could see different things, you know, just making the word a different color. Sometimes it's helpful to kids sometimes that they look at something and they've got sensory issues they don't really see. The difference is there, so they're only in their little mind. They're only seeing one thing, Um, or for Littles, of course, you would draw pictures with different colors. Um, in short attention span is short attention span and So, um, you know that that's not anything that we're going to immediately change. Um, And so that's where that physical activity is so important. So when kids, you know, we're a little more on the hyperactivity end with short attention span impulsivity, they really need that 20 minutes, twice a day of physical activity.

spk_0:   18:32
If it's raining outside, do your obstacle course inside. You know they're they're absolutely outdoor outdoors. Good. But if you can't get outdoors indoors, I would like to let you guys know about the underwriter of this show that is, the jockey being Family Foundation. Their mission is to strengthen adoptive families through post adoption service. Is, which is, you could imagine, speaks to the essence of my heart and what we do here. Creating a family and one way they support adoptive families is through their Fruit Backpack program, which provides newly adopted Children with their own backpack personalized with their initials and filled with a jockey being family cute stuffed bear in a blanket. And there's also a tote bag for parents, and it has resource. Is that air really useful for your post adoption journey? So if you are a newly adopted family are you? No. One? Please ask your agency to join the jockey being Family Backpack program. You can do it by going to their website jockey, being family dot com and just click on backpack. So all those Children who have experienced early life trauma are struggling. We know that all kids are struggling. Uh, it's a It's a disquieting time, to put it mildly. And quite frankly, kids pick up on our own stress, and and most of us are stressed to some degree or another. Um, I wanted Carol to talk with you about the how do we talk to Children about the virus without without overly dumping adult concerns on them. But on the other hand, they know something is going on, and I know it depends on the age of a child. So let me just give you some age ranges and get your thoughts on how to explain what's happened. Let's start with kids under the age of six.

spk_1:   20:20
It's under the age of six. Um, you know, I would imagine kids under the age of six aren't gonna know a whole lot unless they're hearing stuff on the news. Of course they will know that life is different right now.

spk_0:   20:34
They're not in school. Yeah, I'm right, right Going to school. So they know that. And they were hearing things from older siblings, and they're not allowed to go outside. And they can't hug Grandma so that something's going on,

spk_1:   20:45
right? Right. And, you know, to the same degree, they're not gonna understand nearly as much as the older kids. So I think, you know, we want to explain to them in childlike language that right now that, um no using the words you typically used with your kiddo. So maybe you typically say, you know, when people are sick with the flu, are you might say they have a bug or have the flu. You want to stick with the words usually use and explain to them that right now there's lots of people getting sick, and we all want to do our part to help not give that colder, that sickness or whatever the word issue other people. And so we're all going to do our part and help out and stay home. And and I would also then let them know. That's why right now, you know Mommy or Daddy is asking them to wash their hands and use their hand sanitizer because we want all the A team and work together and so that we can make the illness go away.

spk_0:   21:45
Okay, so keep it simple, and this is what we're here. And, uh, okay, So now what about older kids? Let's say elementary school age kids up throwem first through fifth grade.

spk_1:   21:57
Yeah. So, again, you want to stick with the language you usually use with the kids and again try to keep news to a minimum. Um, you know, we want the kids to be aware, but we don't want to produce unnecessary anxiety for them. And so it's a balance. Ah, um helping them understand the situation without creating the anxiety. And so again, you want to use the language you typically do for, you know, illnesses or the flu or a bug. Or, you know what I explained to them that right now there's a new illness, and the scientists and super smart people are working hard to figure out medicine. Thio help people who get sick and also immunizations to help people avoid getting sick in the first place. And of course, you know even with the immunizations boom, that also depends on the family, because same. Some families don't believe in immunizations. Um, and that we're all working hard to be a teen. The whole United States and the whole world is working together and that each of us are going to do our part. And so when your family you're gonna describe to your kiddos what that means, what's up? What does that look like? Well, that means only Daddy's going to go to the grocery or right now, you know, Mommy's working from home or, um, that's why we're washing our hands a lot. And that's why we're not going out with friends. And so, you know, we're explaining to them what the plan is. Kids need to know when there's a problem, what the plan is and how we're going to work on solving it, because that also helps reduce the anxiety.

spk_0:   23:34
Okay, so the plan and this is why you know, we're not having sleepovers were not having play dates, and so we give them the idea, the reason behind it, and we set up a plan that might be a good time to talk about, uh, how we're going to structure our day, huh? Yeah. All right. Now, we could move to, uh, Tweens and change our middle schoolers in our high schools. And if you want to divide those because of their maturity level, then do

spk_1:   24:00
where I write. I think they're similar in that, you know, with betweens. I still wouldn't let them have much access to news. Where is the teenagers? Depending on the maturity of that teenager, you might let them watch a little bit to be informed. But not a lot. Um, and still, you know, talking to them about what? The problem is, why it's a problem in the world right now that again emphasizing that, you know, there's extremely intelligent people all over the world working on this so that we can solve it and how important it is in every family, in the whole United States and in the whole world to do our part. And so our family's gonna pitch in and help do our part. And this is what we're gonna do. This is this is what our plan is as a family. And this is how we're gonna help to make things better.

spk_0:   24:52
I do think with high schoolers, You have to assume that they're hearing more than you think they are. If they've got a phone, they're they're hearing at all. So don't underestimate that and make it make you a source of information. If they have heard something, have them come to you and ask questions and be open Jack admitting what you don't know, but also trying to get information for him. Because I certainly know that, uh, high schoolers in my life, uh, are up and getting the same rumors that that adults are you. Yeah, Exactly.

spk_1:   25:26
Yes. And you know I want to add to the important thing For every a child is to let them know if they're feeling worried or anxious or have any questions to come to you to let you know in tow. Asking that you will answer is honestly and his, um you know, clearly as you can and that you're you're there to help them, that you're one of the people. That's you know, So whoever the whoever the parents are in the family, that we are here to help you. And so if you're feeling upset, come to us.

spk_0:   25:58
Okay. Okay. We got a question from Bethany, she said. What we made what I now see is a mistake of letting our rules and expectations go for the first couple of days that we were all at home, my husband and I were just trying to figure out how to work from home, buy enough food, find toilet paper. And she says, We were almost out. We were not hoarding terms with what all this means. So we kind of let the kids Finn for themselves and do what I want. Now they're resisting our efforts to establish a routine and meet our expectations. They are nine and 11 and right now I really don't like them very much. Her. So she says, Help, What do I do? How do I get back in control?

spk_1:   26:38
Right, right. I love her honesty.

spk_0:   26:39
Yeah, me too. I appreciate it.

spk_1:   26:42
Yes, so you know I love when parents make mistakes because it's a great opportunity to show kids. How do you manage a mistake? Because, let's face it, we all make them. And so what I would suggest is for her to go back to the kids and have a family meeting with her spouse and to say to the kids. Oh, wow. I made a mistake. You know, when this first came out, I was overwhelmed. We were overwhelms. We didn't know how long it was gonna be. We weren't sure how to handle it. And so now we as a family need to regroup and come up with new rules. And I'm super sorry I made that mistake. Sometimes those things happen. So let's let's talk about what our new plan's gonna be, and then we can move forward.

spk_0:   27:27
And that agent's nine and 11 involving them and coming up with the plan to which may mean a little more. You know, they may be some giving on your part, but allowing them to be involved with the plan because they're old enough, I think. Absolutely. Yeah. You know, at the, uh, beginning, we talked about the importance of alone time, quiet time. But we didn't get into the spits. The specifics of how you find I mean, how do you have? Do you? How do you do? Alone time? Let's say you've got three kids and Ah, and you're a home. And perhaps your spouse is at home. So, uh, do you have some ideas just kind of some practical brainstorming ideas of how people can enforce a long time. And while you think, let me just say I'll begin because I was I am a big believer in regardless, I mean, not just because of the Corona virus isolation, but for other times. Perhaps it's because I'm enough of an introvert, and I just But we need it. Um, so one of the things is to pick a time of day that for us it's after lunch because people are already a little lunch kind of makes you a little more sleepy side. Ah, and people are usually satiated and relatively content at that point. Um, so picking a time and having it worked into your schedule with the expectations that this is what we do during this time and that everybody does it, we all are going to be by ourselves, eh? So that's one thing I don't know what your thoughts.

spk_1:   28:56
Yeah, well, and I also want to mention, you know, single parents out there because I know most of the time when my kiddos were growing up, I was a single mom. Um and so you don't have the tag team you know, especially, I know, for me my parents were immense help. But, you know, during the current virus, people can't maybe rely on grand parents or other people to help them because we're all at home. So I would say What we want to do is everybody has a certain time and, you know, again, this can be discussed as a family or just the parents decide. But everyone decides on what's the time gonna be for a long time. And we spend that time either in a particular spot or in their own bedroom. If and if everybody doesn't have their own bedroom than it would need to be particular spots in the house. And, you know, for little kids that might be or those who have a difficulty with attention span, that might be a little bit difficult. And so what we want to do is try to work on shaping their behavior. And so what that means is, let's say that we know that kiddo can do 10 minutes alone. So what we're going to do is start with that 10 minutes and then work toward 15 right once they've been able to stay alone for 15 minutes. Then we work toward, you know, 17 or 18 or 19 minutes. And so, um, with the end of that time, once they've been ableto, you know, have that a long time for the allotted amount, Then I would say it's a great idea for everybody to come to the kitchen and have a snack, because that's that positive reinforcement of being able to maintain that time.

spk_0:   30:41
Great idea about having a snack or something fun, going out, snack and going outside afterwards. A trick that I used that worked so well is go through your kid's toys and craft activities and things such as that select a few, not more than a few select those that they can do by themselves and that they really like and remove them from the general toy circulation. And those toys are set aside and can only be played with during alone. Khan. And this is assuming that a child is not napping. Ah, so they could only be played with during that time, and at the end of the a long time the toys get packed back up and put up for us. It was an upper shelf in the closet. Um, I have a friend to put things on top of a refrigerator. She lived in the apartment, so wherever it was put away and they did not come down again. And then if we're if we continue to be isolated for a while, then to rotate those stories Ah, and if anybody wants to, uh, if you have extra money buying something special, that's only on Lee used during this time. And it has to be, since I think the kid's conduce by themselves and they don't need help with. So that should a tried and true trick as well. All right, um, something that a lot of parents are really struggling with right now is howto work at home when you have kids in the for most of all for all of us. Because even if even if you work at home and your job is normally from home, you don't have kids around because that's it's impossible to hurt from hungry Children. Eso are without without having coming up with a very specific plan. So any thoughts on how to balance working from home, um, with also having Children in the house,

spk_1:   32:29
right? Yeah, it's not easy thing is it, Um, I think one of the things we want to look for two is other ideas that maybe we haven't used in the past that are now available to us. Like, for example, there's lots of online things that really weren't even available before the Corona virus, for example. The Cincinnati Zoo does a daily, um, I forgot what it's called, but they bring out different animals each day and introduced the animal to the Children watching. So it I believe it's a three o'clock every day. I think it's on Facebook. Um, where they do? Ah, basically, Hey, virtual be it Be at the zoo. Um, there's also online that air free art classes for kids dance classes. Um, right now, I know Amazon Books is, um, offering free books for, like, I think, three months. So use some of the other things that are out there right now to keep the kiddos occupied a little bit, Um, during the time that you have to work and you know, I mean, the bottom line is, I think for some, this is this is gonna be a challenging time and so, you know, can you put extra breaks in your day. Um, toe. Also take care of yourself.

spk_0:   33:56
Yeah, I think that's self care. It cannot be overstated. It's also cannot be overstated. How difficult it is when you're so difficult doing everything. Goodness, yes, some of the tips people are using and have shared in our community is getting up earlier. Which means going to bed earlier. Esso going to bed when the kids are going to bed, even though that's not your normal routine and getting up earlier so that you have uninterested time in the morning. Ah, time after dinner, if it's if it's urgent and that's not exclusively family time. If you do have a partner doing trade offs and having saying specific, defining, specific times that are traded off, all right, you'll have from, Ah, 9 to 10 in the morning, and I'm gonna have from 1 to 2 and you're gonna be the parent in charge. And I am not going to be doing, you know, and so the kids can't come to me and or whatever so being very defined with it, So it's not just, ah, amorphous. You need to help out more being very specific with your expect stations. Those were all tips that have been that have been stressed in art with our group that it seems to have that seems to be working. Um, one of the main stressors, Uh, and we will be doing a show next week talking about this and it's on home schooling or schooling your Children during this time. But I wanted to bring it up Now a cz Well, that seems to be stressing. A lot of people out that the feeling that there have become their child's main educator on number one, they're not trained for that. Number one, number two just the stress of it's got to be me about it. I know. Do this. Well, my kid's gonna get behind just all of that. How do we deal with that anxiety?

spk_1:   35:43
Well, uh, you know, I know one of the things I'm talking to the families that I work with a lot is, um, if possible. And it also depends on the child's learning ability. Some kids, really? Right now, this is a really big struggle for them. And so what I've been talking to families about is modifying the schoolwork. Um And so, for example, if they have, you know, a math paper and they're supposed to do 10 problems, you know, asking the teacher or the regular school teacher it's okay to do all the evens air all the odds instead of all 10. Um, you know, lessening the load because, honestly, the child emotional health and the family's emotional stability is a lot more important right now.

spk_0:   36:32
If we go back to one of our top five tips, cut yourself some slack. This is a great area to cut yourself some slack. I think it is. We just the world our Children's entire future is not dependent on what we were able to do right now, Whether your kid goes to Harvard is not gonna be dependent on what you do during this period of time. And, uh, teaching your kids is, uh is not your it's not should not be your major source of stressor. Let me remind everybody that this show, as well as all the resource, is provided by creating a family and keep in mind. We do have tons of resource is on our website creating a family dot org's way have resource pages, foster and adoption, and under that just about any question any topic you've ever wondered about. We have all sorts of resource is free for you to go. So all of those resource is would not happen without the generous support of agencies who believe in our mission providing post and pre and post adoption Sporkin and care and training for families and these air agencies that are putting their money where their where their mouth is. They not only believe it in theory, they actually believe in it enough to support it. One of those wonderful agencies is pinched shape, and they are a licensed accredited month offered organization In the New York City metro area that has been offering adoption service is for more than 100 years. They're robust. Post adoption service is provide all members of the adoption triad birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees, a supportive community in a connection to professionals who really understand some of the unique aspects of adoption. And we have hopscotch adoptions. They are a Hague accredited international adoption agency, placing Children from Armenia, Bulgaria, Croatia, Georgia, gone Guiana, Morocco, Pakistan, Serbia, Ukraine, Andy and Ukraine. And they specialize in placement of Children with down syndrome and other special needs. They also are a go to place for kinship of the international kinship adoptions, and we thank both of them for their support. All right, here is a question we got from Debbie, she said. My kindergartner is so focused on all the things he isn't getting to do. He's incredibly social. And this lack of friends is killing him. Today would have been his class field trip to the zoo. Tomorrow would be his school fund fun run fundraiser. He won an award last year for the most laps and is very upset that he can't do it again. This year. His birthday party was canceled and he didn't get to be star of the week. The list of thing he cries over and I do mean literal tears is overwhelming. He won't be returning to that school in the fall, so he's also accept that didn't really get to say goodbye to his friends. You didn't get to have his kindergarten graduation. So how do you help kids cope with all of these losses? And let me add that I would add in there that although Hearst Debbie son is in kindergarten, I know there are a lot of older kids and teens that are especially missing their school graduations and all. They're all the experiences that go with that that event. So let's talk about helping our kids cope with the loss. Is associating with with all this Corona virus isolation?

spk_1:   39:47
Yeah, it's I mean, gosh, it's it's affected. So midi important days, you know, for the kids and for us. And it's good, it's a huge loss. So I think you know, the first thing that you always want to think about whenever you're kiddo is sharing their feelings with us to validate them, right? Whether you agree or not with what they're saying, you want to find that piece of truth and what they're telling you invalidate them, saying, I understand why this is hard for you. Gosh, yeah, it sounds like this is so upsetting. Let them know that you hear what they're saying and that you understand where they're coming from. So I think the other thing is again. It's an opportunity to show the child how to handle adversity. And so what we how we guide them through this? It's so important. So for example, I guess One of the thoughts that first comes to me is toe explain to the kiddos. This is hard. It's hard for all of us. You know that validation and then saying, How can we spend this time to create some memories together? And, you know, I think the other thing that really comes to me is I'm aging myself, but kind of thinking about some of the things we did before video games like coloring together, making doodles together, telling a story together like one person starts the story and another, the next person you know adds to it, and the next person adds to it. The next person adds to it until the story ends. Another thing is, remember that that riddle, Um, I see something you don't see and then you describe it and people have to guess what it iss doing that, um, you know, really thinking about thinking outside the box here, what are things that possibly could entertain us as a family and that air difference that maybe, you know, pull from your own past? You know what something I used to enjoy doing as a kid that really my kids haven't experience because of all the technology and not to, you know, I mean, thank goodness for the technology, because I don't know where we'd be today if it worked for it. But, you know, another thing is there's an online jeopardy game that, um, you can make yourself so the kids could even make it, and then everybody could play it. I think it's called jeopardy lads dot com, I believe is where it iss Okay. Yeah.

spk_0:   42:21
All right. So let's let's focus on one of the things that that we know is that our Tweens and our teens, in addition to suffering like the rest of us, that is a time in their lives when they are more friend focused and their defining themselves often times through their friendships on these, these relationships are taking on greater importance in their lives. So how could we help them cope with being isolated from their friends?

spk_1:   42:47
Yeah, I'm hearing about it a lot.

spk_0:   42:49
Yeah. And the cavalry off part of that, not only being isolated from their friends but being stuck at home with their parents.

spk_1:   42:56
Right. Um I have ah dvt group for teens, and they were all talking about it this past week. I think they're all you know, Really? I've heard. So I've heard some of them say, You know, I'm surprised. I really am enjoying doing some of the things with my family, and they're talking about board games and going on hikes and making things together. And so they're doing more of that which they they are enjoying And, you know, again the goodness for technology because they're able to see their friends on, you know, Facebook or their face. They don't really do Facebook, but they can, you know, face time for you. You know? I mean, you know, they are staying connected with their friends, and that is it's extremely important for them

spk_0:   43:44
that we have heard of a family that was, they have a very strict screen policy and they were forbidding their Children to face time. Ah, and and not to be critical, but that just feels that there were their teens. It just feels that that maybe now is not the time to well, may ask, Would you encounter? Would you count face timing a screen time?

spk_1:   44:11
You know, I think that again. We don't want kids constantly on their screens, right? We want them were interacting and doing other things. And so, um, you know, again. And we also want to think about life in balance. So you know, if that's how they want to spend some of their time connecting with friends and they'd rather do that than video games. I think that's fine. And at the same time, I agree. Right now is the time when it is important for kids to be able to connect, especially teens with other teens. And so I think, allowing that grace of okay, I know we usually don't let you face time, but for right now, as long as you use our you know, our computer in our bedroom, if that's what you want to do, that's fine.

spk_0:   45:02
Yes, so that you were keeping it reasonable. Now do you count in your mind if screen time is educational? Ah, the Cincinnati Zoo or there's, you know, the doodling and there's so many. There are so many online things that kids can do now, going back to the idea of balance as well as it seems like we have two competing things. One, we want to be balanced, but we also want to give ourselves Grace s. So how do we, uh, Do you have a you count scripted educational things that we do,

spk_1:   45:31
right? O people who study the brain and how you know electronics affects the brain may not may not agree with me, and so I'm just putting that little disclaimer out there. But I would say I would say that does not count if you are. You know, if your kiddos we're watching the Cincinnati Zoo and they're describing the animals and showing the animals that to me would not be considered part of their screen time. That to me would be considered educational. And especially with what's going on in our world today, all the limitations that we have that to me would be an okay thing. One

spk_0:   46:06
thing I would say, though, is make certain that that if let's say your set up a schedule in the time you're going to say from, you know, 9 to 10 we're doing something educational broadly defined, its educational. I wouldn't make all your education screen time, because if for no other reason, you need to keep the entertainment value of screen time as much as you can, especially for your ties when you're just kind of fed up and you need it or you're tryingto you've got a conference call scheduled and you don't need to be interrupted or whatever. Uh, so keeping balance and, um, s o that not everything you do that is considered educational. And for that top period of time in your day, it is all screen time, but it sounds like relaxing and and, uh, our rules a bit to allow for it. Uh, just to give ourselves a break, if for no other reason. Absolutely. All right, so now I want to circle back to tips. Um, now, if we started the we started the show with the five top tips, and I'm gonna circle back to re meant to mention them again. Just briefly, um, and Carol stop me if there's some things that you specifically want to say, but then I'm gonna open it up. Subversive. More general tips that that you might have. So our first chip was to establish a routine for your day. And if you've got a child who struggles with that to make it either make it, make it in writing or with pictures are something um, we keep coming back to the second tip, and that is give yourself in your kid's ah, break relaxing beaver expectations, especially as it relates to school work. Ah, number three. Find something that you and your if your partner, your spouse are your partner is interested in or wants to do. Ah, and that the kids would could and would get involved with And use this as an opportunity a za family, too, to grow and learn something. Uh, number four. Get outside when possible and try to do something active for 20 minutes twice a day with your Children. And the 5th 1 that we've talked quite a bit about is scheduling a quiet time, uh, every day that for every family member and kids separated from each other as well. So, Carol, any other things, Any other tips for helping that you've seen families do that? It's helping them during this time?

spk_1:   48:43
Well, I think, um, probably the most important thing is just keeping the body balanced, because if we're not eating well or a big foods and we're not, you know, making sure t breakfast, lunch, dinner, a couple snacks in there. Um and this is true for us and the kids. Or if we're not sleeping well, then those those two things really and make it difficult. Who are the emotions to stay in balance? So healthy food, balanced meals, sleep? We're not able to do those things. It makes things very difficult. And I think the other thing is if anybody in the family is taking medicine, whether it's, you know, psychotropic psychiatric medicine or health medicine, making sure that we stay on track with that because I know if you miss, like if someone's on antidepressant and they miss a couple days a bat Oh, my goodness, you know that can cause all kinds of trouble.

spk_0:   49:46
Yeah, and now is not a time where you need that additional stress of being off balance with your medications or your kids medications for the for the dryer and all. Yeah, I'm really glad you two and you and I'm very thankful that you mentioned sleep. I almost hesitate when I said earlier about getting up early in the morning because now is not a time for many reasons to say nothing of your physical health, but also your emotional health to be getting behind on sleep But it may mean that you don't binge watch at night so that you can schedule a time. It's so that you could set her alarm earlier and have some uninterrupted time to work or two. Just do something on your own. But, uh, yes, sleep. It's so important. How about how that help our family members, who we are not you can't be in contact with? I know a lot of families are not going to visit grand parents because they don't want to exposed there. Um, they're older relatives. Thoughts of how that impacts both the parents and the family. The grand parents and the family as well as the Children are the grandchild.

spk_1:   50:58
Right? Right. Well, I mean, I know from personal experience. I mean, my granddaughter is almost two, and, um, my daughter and son in law and my granddaughter live out of town. So we've already been in the habit of face timing every night. Um, but for those who are used to being in person, that's super hard. So taking advantage of the fact that we do have online ability two face time with people. Um, and even if you haven't done it before, go ahead and take that leap and try to figure it out. And if you don't know how to do it, see if the purse, the loved one that you want to be in contact can do it. I know I have face time. My mom and dad, they're here in term with me, But my mama's autoimmune and, um, you know, so nobody's going over. And so I have face time with them more in the last week than I probably ever have. Yeah, so you know, and I know last night my sister and my daughter and my son, we were all in a face time together. You know, make sure that you're reaching out to people, you know, it's it's important to feel connected.

spk_0:   52:11
And a suggestion that is particularly, I think, useful for single parents, although it could be used for anyone, is to ask your parents if they would be willing to, uh, the grandparent's face time alone with the child. And that's a way of giving you a break to absolutely great idea until the Children that you know, you've got to be sitting still and face timing with Grandma and, uh ah and as long as you're behaving and doing that, you get to talk with her and ask Grandma to be thinking of some ideas that some of the games you mentioned. You know anything, that and use that as a especially if you're you know, regardless of whether your parents have have been your support network in the past when they could start being it now. And I think you're doubtful for everyone. So yeah, ee

spk_1:   52:59
Yeah, and I want to add, um I know even when you face time, there's all kinds of things that, like, for example, that grand parents could do with the kiddos. For example, they could have the same book and take turns reading Oh, nice idea. Or they could play a checkers, gave her a chess game. Or, you know, there are all kinds of things that you can do through face time that that you can also do in person. So, you know, it can be creative and think about OK, what could we do? Um, that I love to do with my grandchild or my You know, me, sir. My you know, Bye, child. That's a foster child with my my neighbors. That I really loved that child. You know, stay connected to people.

spk_0:   53:43
Yeah, I love that idea. That something that you could ask your parent. Thio, choose a AA chapter book. Depending on this is obviously depending on the age of a child or Children. But none of the Gary Pulse in the, you know, the whole cash. The far north. You know, the any of those books or the Narnia Siris are? Oh, gosh, there's so many Ah little house on the prairie and every night, read a chapter through face time. I can show the pictures and that gives. And the parents can use that time to be fixing dinner or cleaning up or reading their own book or catching up on e mails or something so that you're spreading out the the parenting grandparenting. I love that idea. That's a great one. Ah, I mean, adopt that one myself. Somehow, I've got to think of that one. All right. Okay. Now we have been talking today with Carol Loescher. Carol is the other of one of my favorite books, the adoptive and Foster Parent guide. And I think one of the reasons I love that book so much is that it doesn't feel overwhelming to me. I feel like it's it's written in a way that you can pick it up and and gather really useful information from it. Tell me a little about the difference now. I don't know anything about your DBT activity. Ideas for working with kids and caregivers. I know nothing about that one. So how so? I want to recommend one of your books, but which, which should I recommend to our audience, uh, range of the two? Well, our three, I think you have another one out there.

spk_1:   55:15
Yeah, um, I think it just depends on where the family is in their journey. If if it's a family that's new to adoption, then they need to read about adoption and become more familiar with the different issues and concerns that happen for kiddos who have a trauma history. Um, if you're not new to adoption or, you know, have already read the book or other lots of other adoption books like, you know, go ahead and read the new book, the, um DVT activity, ideas for working with kids and caregivers because it gives you hands on tools to work with your child. And also some ideas about handling behavior for yourself and working with your child.

spk_0:   55:59
And don't you have a deep DBT book for teams as well? I'm I'm I'm not sure, but Okay, so if you've got teens or so she has another book, that but the new one that's getting ready to come out is for Are school age are limiter school educated eyes? Oh, excellent. Well, thank you so much, Carol. Closure for being with us today. This is a time where we really needed your wisdom. And thank you so much for sharing with us how we can cope and survive. And maybe maybe even thrived during this time. A so long as we stay healthy. So everybody wash your hands social distance. And thank you so much for being with us today. Thank you and everybody. I will see you next week. We'll be talking about schooling your kids during this time. So join us then. Yeah,