Raising Resilient Kids

How can we raise children who are resilient and able to bounce back from the ups and downs of life and move forward with optimism and confidence? We talk with Dr. Ken Ginsburg, the Co-Founder and Director of Programs at the Center for Parent and Teen Communications, a Professor of Pediatrics at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) and The University of Pennsylvania's Perelman School of Medicine, and author or "Building Resilience in Children and Teens" and "Raising Kids to Thrive".

Transcript

spk_0:   0:07
welcome everyone to creating a family. Talk about adoption and foster care. Do us a favor and let your friends know about this podcast. I like to say that friends don't let friends wander in the dark when it comes to searching for good information or good podcast. It's Elektra friends who are involved in adoption or foster care or are just interested in that or are interested in parenting. Let him know about this podcast creating a family. So thanks today we're gonna be talking about raising resilient kids with. Dr. Ken Ginsberg is the co founder and director of programmes at the Center for Parenting Team Communication. He is a professor of pediatrics at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, better known as Chop, and the University of Pennsylvania Perlman School of Medicine. And he is the author of Bill Building Resilience and Children and Teens, as well as the book Raising Kids To Thrive. Welcome Dr Ginsburg to creating a family. I am so looking forward to this.

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* Note that this is an automatic transcription, please forgive the errors.

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spk_1:   1:03
I'm so glad to be here and happiness a session with you.

spk_0:   1:05
This is resilience in general and how to raise resilient Children. I don't know if it's it's it's beyond a buzzword. But it is certainly something that I know. It's a parent I have spent a lot of time thinking about and creating a family. We have a huge online support group, and it is a subtext for so many conversations that we, as parents have really, regardless of how our kids join our family, be it through birth, adoption or foster care S. So I guess we should start by saying, How do you define resilience? So we all know that we're talking about the same thing.

spk_1:   1:42
Resilience is being able to bounce back from challenges. Um, but I look at it a little bit more broadly because it's not just about bouncing back. It's about being prepared to get the most out of life during good and challenging times.

spk_0:   2:00
Yeah, because we we know that our kids are going to have that mean It doesn't mean that if we do with all the right things, our kids will never experience. Problems are never experience adversity.

spk_1:   2:12
You know, I think if every parents, uh, kind of could push a magic button and bubble wrap their kids, they would do it. Yeah, I would, too. You know, if you could wrap them in a downy quilt and just make life picture perfect. But let me let me say a couple things first. You can't. It's not possible. So the best thing you can do is to make it so that they can navigate life with whatever curveballs their throne. But it's more than that. You know, when we think about who we want our kids to be, we want our kids to be kind and compassionate and giving and forgiving. We want people to see human tragedy and rather than a ver theorized Teoh, want to be part of the solution. That's who we want. And the reality is that if we're gonna build those kind of young people, we can't shelter them from the world. The world's there. The question is, how do you navigate and how do you grow from it?

spk_0:   3:13
How does your idea of resilience fit in with the idea of success? I think a lot of parents confused the tour. They're thinking in terms of, well, any number of things they think in terms of what my kids to be successful or I want my child to be happy, have this all of of those kind of nebulous ideas fit in with the idea of resilience.

spk_1:   3:36
So I think resilience is a piece of it. But let's go back to what authentic successes, because that's really where you're asking and you actually right, you're absolutely right. Parents look at two things. Is my child happy? And is much child doing well in school because of the belief that if my child does well in school, life is gonna be handed to them on a silver platter? These air short term issues you got to be parenting the 35 year old. You got to be looking at the child in front of you and imagine them as a 35 or a 50 year old because things look differently, right? So happiness to your four year olds. Easy, Give me a cookie. It's too easy. It's too easy. Happiness is a 35 year old is it's having a sense of meaning and purpose in your life. It's knowing you matter. It's knowing you have relationships and you know what. Having a cookie doesn't help you survive difficult times, but if we redefine just happiness and understand that it's a sense of meaning, and purpose and having meaningful relationships. That's also the ingredients that's going to help you bounce from difficult times so I could go on and on about all of the things the ingredients we need that 35 year old toe have. But I just wanted to underscore for you why happiness is not in the moment. Is not your goal, your plan for meaning and purpose and satisfaction throughout life that's going to give you a long term happiness and let you bounce?

spk_0:   5:14
You know, one of the things that parents who who come to parenting through adoption or parenting as foster parents one of the hard things that they often face when it comes to your issue that you raised about academics and doing well in school, there is a fear there because oftentimes our kids have come to us with the deficit. Either they have. They've come to a set at an older age without having had the Foundation Academic Foundation being late. They come to us sometimes through international adoption. They come without having are the language, the length of the basics of our language. Laid Children may come to us with prenatal exposures, which has caused brain damage or trauma, which could absolutely impact their ability to learn. And we see our kids really struggling in school. And there is something that you were, you think, Oh, my gosh, they're never going to succeed because they're barely reading in there 12 or you know they're there. They're flunking out of school, so they're gonna end up dropping out. How will they ever succeed? And it's a It's a fear based approach, often times for parents, and it's hard for them not to focus on the academics.

spk_1:   6:27
Eso raising adolescents in general is a fear based. If you If you Google how doe I talk to my kid, the word most likely to come up with is survival, and I want to know how much I reject entirely that approach to adolescence. I think adolescents are amazing human beings, amazing, and I also want us all to celebrate the possibilities in youth. So it is true. I heard you and I know that people can have been through difficult times. I work with kids who have had the most difficult lives imaginable, and I know that that changes so many outcomes and the way you navigate the world. I know that. I'll tell you what else I know. I know that the presence of a loving adult alongside of a young person is the most impactful and meaningful thing in their lives. Number one number two I know that even when young people are navigating the toughest of times, the presence of that adult helps buffer their experience. Number three I know in the about the potential of healing. See, development is on our side, right? And the brain, even though is changed through experience, and it is heart through deprivation. The brain is also plastic, and the opportunity for it to grow and change and reshape. When there's a loving adult, a nurturing it don't alongside you is profound. So here's the thing. I'm not gonna lie to you rate. No parent can undo the past entirely. No amount of love can undo tremendous harm, but buffer that harm and, yes, make it so that it's less impactful. I'd stake my life and there's a whole literature behind it right and experience, but also we can make a difference. I can't guarantee they're your kid's gonna end up exactly where your dream, but I can guarantee that your loving presence is going to get him closer to being his best self. Someone who cares about himself and cares about others. I can guarantee that.

spk_0:   8:37
Yeah, and how you define success now at for your child at 12 and 13 is going to change and grow as they grow. And we often don't realize that when we're stuck in our fear based approach when our Children were younger. Yeah,

spk_1:   8:52
it's also critical because remember, what we're doing is we're launching kids into adulthood, right? And so it's critical that as they launch into adulthood and they have a sense of confidence rate and that might mean looking for another source of success and intelligence other than academics, of course we want to optimize academics. Of course, we want our kids to do well in school. Well, we really want to do is launch them into adulthood, feeling good about themselves, not because we've showered them with false praise, but because we've authentically seen all that is good and right. We've seen what they bring to the world. We celebrate, we elevate fat, and then our kids are gonna be okay. Even if academics is not their greatest strength.

spk_0:   9:39
Yeah, yeah. Amen. Let me pause for a moment to remind everyone that this show is brought to you by the generous support of our underwriter, the jockey being Family Foundation. Their mission is post adoption support. They want toe every adoptive family to thrive, and one of the ways they do that is through there. There. Jockey being family Backpack program. They want every new a newly adopted child have their own backpack, and it comes with a bear and a blanket and, most importantly, apparent toke some information for their parents for being the best parents they can be. Any newly adopted child is eligible for this program. If you are a parent and listening to this go ask your agency to enroll in the jockey being discovered. Their site. Jackie being family dot com on dhe Go that side. Enroll in the backpack program. It's super easy. It is free to your agency and it is free to you. So pop over there and let your agency know about this. All right, so let's now talk about how to foster resilience in Children. So you talk about the two fundamental principles of building resistance and our kids and I'm I'm a person who loves to have things simplified. So when somebody tells me to principles, that just speaks to my heart. So what are the two important things that we need to Dover before trying to build resistance? One of our kids need

spk_1:   11:03
So we're building resilience. You slipped and said, Resistance, that's done. But we want

spk_0:   11:09
everybody. I am struggling with this now. So you're exactly right. Resilience, not resistance. Reason.

spk_1:   11:16
Because I have to tell you something. I can tell you how to build resistance to it by doing everything wrong by you want. We want to build resilience and their two things. And I'd love to really dive deeply into both with these. If you're okay with that, you're the first is loving without condition, and I really want to talk about what that means. And the second is holding toe high expectations. And we have to understand what both of these ideas really mean to do them well. And I think that they have, in many ways a very special reason to be fleshed out and understood for the parents who are listening to this podcast.

spk_0:   11:57
Yeah, I absolutely so let let us dive deep because I think this is it is so crucial to know, to really focus on both of them. So what do we mean by loving our Children unconditionally? I mean, it seems easy enough to think about, but But what do you mean by that?

spk_1:   12:14
It's actually very hard. It's really a process. It's not an event. And the first thing we have to understand is that when we're saying unconditional love, we're not saying that your kid can come home doing drugs and you're like, That's okay, darling. That's know what it is you're allowed to not like and disapprove of the behavior. And when we say unconditional love, it's really important to understand that were not saying like right, Especially when you're welcoming a new child into your home. There might be some behaviors you really don't like. There might be some attributes of a child or my God, your spouse or even yourself that you don't like. Liking is hard because it's so subjective, right loving ISS, This active process I see loving as seeing someone as they deserve to be seen as they really are, not based on the behaviors they might be displaying and not based on a label they might have received, but as they really are the most protective thing in a young person's life, and this is going to get to expectations. But the most protective thing in a young person's life is to be seen, to be known, to be valued in all of your goodness as your best self, and that is so important that we work hard to see that. And for the people listening to this podcast, who might be fostering someone who might be adopting a kid who's had a hard life, Let me tell you, those kids often come with labels. They often come with labels that in my mind or unfair and inaccurate and their labels, they're put on a kid because of what happened to them. But it coming out in their behavior. So they're they're given a behavioral label stop that see the kid as they deserve to be seen, Understand why that behavior is happening that will change that kid's life is if we can see kids as they deserve to be seen in this way and the UN conditionality. It's really about being unwavering in your presence that matters for every human being. When you are going through like there isn't anybody is gonna navigate middle school in adolescence without I'm some people saying they're not good enough for their abnormal or they're not fit again. Parent's job is to say, you're OK just the way you are. I adore you. I cherish you just the way you are. But for parents who are adopting a young person or welcoming a foster child into their life, they have to know that they're going to be tested. They're gonna be tested. And the way to pass that test is to be unwavering in your presence, unconditional in your love. And that's not always easy. But by gosh, it's what matters.

spk_0:   15:05
Yeah, our Children often come to us with behaviors that have worked in their past. They are compensatory behaviors. They are, but that But that doesn't make him. And just because we understand where these behaviors may come from, doesn't make them easy to live with it at all.

spk_1:   15:22
Of course not. But the question is, how do you change it to make it so kids can self regulate, which is what makes it easier for them to live with and I'll tell you what isn't gonna work. What isn't gonna work is saying. This kid has this label, and therefore I know the answer is for me to control them for me to just, like set down the solid, solid rules. Do you want rules? Of course you do around safety. Do you want guidance? Of course you do around morality. But for kids who have had the hardest lives, what they need is to be seen and to be valued. That's what's gonna make them feel safe learning self regulation. So what makes it hard for them to live with you is because they've been through so much that they're always scanning the environment for danger or for rejection. And when they sense danger or rejection, they lash out. They're always they may not have had control over their life. And when we try to control them, I put by telling them, I'm the adult. You'll do as I say. That just reinforces their powerlessness. What they haven't had is someone who sees them. Who knows that that's what protects my daughters. That's what should protect every child. So, yes, they might be hard to live within the beginning while they're testing you while they're not knowing safe, knowing if they're safe while they're not knowing if they can have any control. But give them the time and offer the security. And then remember this self regulation is something that is learned and practiced. It's not something you have. The absence of being able to regulate your emotions is not a character flaw. It's that you haven't had the opportunity. When we give kids the opportunity to learn to regulate in a nurturing and loving home, that's when things get easier.

spk_0:   17:27
Is it? So now let's talk about the high expectations. What do you mean by that? I mean, should we be expecting high grade? Should we be expecting obedience? What? What do you mean by high expectations?

spk_1:   17:41
Well, thank you so much for asking it that directly. So do we expect high grades? Well, that's an unrealistic expectation, right, Andi? I would say the same thing to the mother who has a child who's always gotten straight A's, I would say to them, and who has never had a hard day in their life. I would say high expectations is not about grace. It's not about scores. It's not about trophies, it is right effort. The most you can kind of demand of a person is that they put in an effort because an effort is how you learn what is your strengths and what are your limitations and how to overcome those limitations. But you can't be demanding a result because people are uneven and learning how to be your best self is a process. It's non event, so we care about an effort, but what we are and we also care about obedience. But can I tweak that word a little bit mad? Permission to play with words? Sure well, we want is for kids to be disciplined, being disciplined. The word discipline, you know, has the same root is disciple. It's about learning. It's about being able to be guided. Ideally in a loving way. Obedience is about control. I want my kids to be disciplined so that they can learn self control. So it's not about obedience to my demands. It's about learning to navigate the world with self control and because you're learning it. My job is to keep you safe and because my job is to keep you safe I'm gonna determine where you can fall down where you can make mistakes and where you can't stray because it's a safety issue. And for a safety issue, you'll do as I say. But the biggest issue around high expectations we discussed under love rate, I expect you to be your best self. So these two things go completely together. The most protective thing in my daughter's life. There now 24 right? But when they were teenagers, you know, we had our moments. But the most protective thing in their lives was that I saw them. I knew who they were in all of their goodness, in all of their commitment to pleasing me and to making the world a better place. And when they straight away from their better sells the most powerful tool I had to bring them back. Was that unconditional love?

spk_0:   20:08
Yeah, you know, you raise a point that it seems to me that, and I speak is is a mom of four as well. And so my house is made of glass a bit on this, but I think that sometimes we parents are afraid of our Children to allow our kids to make mistakes. Because if we were being honest, we're afraid that their mistakes reflect on us.

spk_1:   20:29
Oh, there were two really important points you just made. You just really hit a home run with that say right? So, yeah, we're afraid to have our kids make mistakes. But remember this, You know, there's so many different phrases from so many different cultures. You know, I think there's a Japanese phrase that says Full down seven times Get up eight, Right?

spk_0:   20:50
Exactly. That's a great one.

spk_1:   20:51
The idea is that with each time you learn and you grow, we learn about our unevenness. We learn about our strength. So we learn how to recover by falling down. And we don't build resilient kids when we don't let them fall. Because you know what? Here's the reality. You're not gonna be able to watch them all the time. Yeah, better. They should fall under your watchful eyes, right? Better. They should fall under your watchful eyes where they can learn to get up and and learn the lesson. And you can reinforce that lesson. Now, the other piece you said Wow, that was a doozy. Thank you for that Honesty, right? You're like you're saying like part of the reason that makes us uncomfortable with kits failing is because it's a reflection of us. Um, and I'm guessing that in some ways you might have to double down on that statement for parents who are such extraordinary human beings that they're opening their homes. Two kids who have been through difficult lives, right? And we really kind of measure our own success by what the kids under our roof, how they perform. And, um, that, I think is part of the problem with it with, uh, fearing kids falling down is that it becomes a reflection on us. In fact, the bigger reflection on us is whether or not they learn to get back up on their

spk_0:   22:19
own, is it? Yeah, I could not agree with you more on. I say that with with sympathy of knowing the, um, and there are times when people do judge you. But it's I think it's important for us to realize what are I like. The part where you said about our long term goal is to be raising 35 year olds or 55 or whatever. I mean, that is our goal. And if you take that long term approach. It takes some of the pressure off of the of perfection in the short term.

spk_1:   22:48
Absolutely. Because if your parenting the 18 year old, you're always gonna be thinking like just, you know, not to run with scissors like Did I teach a man? And when your parenting the 35 year old you realize that what you're trying to parent for is someone who has values, someone who knows what he's worth, someone who can, Um, who cares about other people And they're capable of, you know, performing well in the workplace and becoming a father, mother or lover or friend. And and it means that we're really trying to teach them to be good people, whether under our roof and teaching someone to be a good person is actually easier than teaching someone to get straight A's, you know. And it has a much higher yield.

spk_0:   23:34
Yeah, this show is brought to you by the partnerships we form, creating a family with agencies that believe in our mission, providing unbiased, accurate education to both adoptive parents, pre adoption and post adoption, and foster parents again both before they foster and enduring while they are fostering. One such agency is Children's connection. There. An adoption agency providing service is for domestic infinite option, an embryo donation adoption throughout the U. S. They also perform some studies and post adoption support. Two families in Texas and we also have spent strengthen. They are in licensed, accredited nonprofit organization In the New York City metro area that's been offering adoption service is for more than 100 years. They have a very robust post adoption service is providing to affords all parts of the adoption triad birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees on that really does set them apart, right? We are talking about raising resilient kids with Doctor Kim Ginsburg. We are we have talked about in the past about the unconditional love and high expectations being some of the principles to developing resilience. Now I want to talk about the seven key ingredients of building resilience and our Children. So it's they have a handy acronym. It's the seven seas of which is helpful on, and I kind of group them. But feel free. Dr Ginsberg. If you want to separate them, I thought maybe it would be helpful. Let's talk about connection and control, Um, or we could talk about them separately. But let's start with those two C's. Uh, and I'm assuming connection. This is the reason I chose that. To begin with is, that's a topic that, as adoptive and foster parents, we talk a lot. Ah, here, a creating family about creating attachment. And when you have a child from birth, which can, of course, happen through adoption or fostering as well, you have all those beginning years to build this connection. But if you adopt a child at 8 10 6 12 whatever, 16 you know you have fewer years to develop some of these connections. So let's talk about let's start with connection and we'll move into control a CZ two of the first to seize for the ingredients for a 1,000,000,000 for building resilience.

spk_1:   26:03
Eso started with connection is actually a good place to begin because that is the most important ingredient of resilience for all young people, no matter how they meet their parents, right? Um, and it's what we already talked about, really. More than anything, it is about knowing you're cared for in about without condition that there's someone who is an unwavering presence, someone who has a desire to both develop you and to protect you from yourself and from the environment. But it's also, you know, there's a lot off tricks to it in the sense tricks is prying on the good work. But there's a lot of strategies on how to do it. I build connections with you, not the connections of being a parent, but connections with young people all the time. It's about listening, really listening to people and letting them share who they are with you and seeing them in the best light. That is a really powerful way of building a connection. And we also have to understand how to maintain connections because to some extent it really is about caring deeply without reacting to every stage mint. When you react to every statement, you're unintentionally creating judgment. Perfect example. Maman. Ethics Girl. You're too young today. Mom and friend Paul. He's using drugs. Never hang out with Paul a Gap. Those are examples where this was an amazing opportunity first, to share your adult wisdom without judgment, but instead you jumped in right so we can undermine our connection with overreaction. We can also believe it or not undermine our connection with Preysing in the wrong way. Let me give an example. Now let's talk about those kids. So again, I'm not talking about the babies you adopt where the Children you have naturally. But if a child comes into your life and an older age, whether it's early childhood or whether it's adolescence, um, that child, more than anything, wants to know they're in a stable relationship. And if you ask them as I have thousands of times, what is the most important thing that there they need an adult relationships? They say, I need someone who has my That means they're gonna be there even when times were rough. So let me give you a communication toe. A real simple one that can literally change your relationship. So someone comes to me, for example, and says, Hey, Dr Ken, I got straight A's and I go, I'm so proud of you for having a cz looking you. I'm so, so proud of you. You work so hard you could become a doctor. Then what happens is the next time that kid gets A's, I'm gonna know about it right the next time After that that kid gets A's, I'm gonna know about it. But when that kid had something devastating happened in their lives, they weren't sleeping well. They fall asleep in class. They're getting C's and G's. I'll never know because I praised the content of why that person was talking to me. And that's not the best way to build connection. Let's flip the script. Instead, someone says, I got straight A's and I say, I'm so glad you always include me in your life. Thanks for letting me know the meta message there is. Tell me what things were going well, but by the way, I'm always there. And then you're gonna know when the kids messing up, too. And once a kid trials that a few times and learns that you're there during good times and during challenging times, you're not going anywhere. You're gonna give advice for you, an honor, their intelligence, that connection bills.

spk_0:   30:16
Okay, so that's the first C, which is connection, and we have two more actively cultivated, I think when our Children are coming to us at an older age, Um and that's a great suggestion of how to do it. Um, the second C is control, and that's a hard one, because the truth is, sometimes our kids all kids do this. But kids again, who are adopted an older age, are behaving in ways that make bring out the control freak in a lot of parents.

spk_1:   30:50
Yeah, so here's the great news. The great news is that we'll actually me back up before I say the great news. Here's what we know we know. For the kids who have had a hardest lives, control is a big issue for that because they haven't had the ability to control their own destiny. T even sometimes control what happened to their bodies, right? So it's a really big deal, So we've got to do this right now. Let me get to the good news. The good news is we have research since 1963 1963. That's like almost how old I am, right? There is solid research on how much control parents should have over there a lot over their Children's lives. The balancing act between expressing love and warmth and being demanding, controlling and having rules and boundaries. And there is so much research. So if you come too, parent and teen dot com. You will learn so much about being a balanced parent. So when I parented this way and I say you'll do what I say, Why? Because I said so. Loss of control, Lots of rules. Not very much warrant. What kind of kids does that produce that produces kids who are very, very good and proper until they rebel, which is in mid adolescence? In terms of outcomes? Those kids don't have very good relationships with their parents. They act like they're listening to them in front of their face. But in terms of risk behaviors, they engage in a lot of risk behaviors. Some people went equal and opposite, and they went too permissive parenting. Darling, I love you so much. You know, I I didn't have a good relationship with my dad. I want to be your friend. Comey can, and I'm gonna give you good opportunities. Thio to be role models. But trust your gut. Do will you say Do what you want. That's permissive parenting. Those kids are incredibly neurotic because they're so scared of disappointing their parents. They engage in lots of risk behaviors, and they never tell their parents about things that aren't about. Um uh You wouldn't tell a friend if you're not gonna please your parent. If they're not gonna like you, you're not gonna tell them. The worst kind of parenting is neither controlling nor warm. It's kids will be kids. They'll figure it out. Right. You do not have a single parent listening to this podcast. Who has that style? Because they wouldn't be listening, Thio.

spk_0:   33:19
They wouldn't. They wouldn't care enough to be listening here, right? Yes,

spk_1:   33:24
but the kind of parenting that works best is balance parenting. I call it a lighthouse. Parroting parents. You should be like a lighthouse on the shoreline. A a stable force from your kids to measure themselves against, Look down at the rocks and make sure they don't crush against them. Look into the waves. Trust that they're gonna learn to ride them one day, but prepare them to do so. The balance parent is warm and loving and has rules and boundaries. It's I love you so much, but I'm not your friend. I'm your parent. And that's way better for you. I'm gonna let you make mistakes. Someone would be there as you learn to stand up. But for the things that really matter and those things that involve your safety, you will do what I say. And if you knew what was your morality? We're gonna talk about it because my job is to raise a good human being. Balance parenting. You have less drug use. You have later. First, sexual experiences, less bullying, less violence. My own research. Half is likely to be in a car crash, right? You have better academic outcomes. And most importantly, let's tie back to that other C connection. You have the best relationships with your parents because kids want parents to be involved. I'm not to be controlling your personal life, but to keep you safe. And moral Kids want that,

spk_0:   34:47
and they respect that. Ultimately, absolutely. All right, that leaves well into the character and contribution. And I must say, I personally am so thankful that there was two. We don't talk about that enough. It feels to me, uh, and I think that it's so important again. When you're thinking about who's the 35 year who are my raising what type of 35 year old Joe. I want this child, this this child and I am raising to become. We want them to be people of good character and who are contributing to our world. So let me stop it, let you talk. But so tell talk to us about character and contribution.

spk_1:   35:23
Character couldn't be more important, right? Think of character as what would you do if nobody was watching rain? And so having a good character at its core is about being your best self and being committed to to being a good person for others as well, right? It's everything. And if we raise the 35 year old who's gonna have integrity, who's going to care about other people, and he's gonna want to contribute to the world, which brings us to the next C right? We've done a really good job. We have to double down on character development. We have to understand that it's our job to raise kids who are who are moral and you were caring. And in this world that is a fairly complicated world. It's in our homes that we have to really be talking about integrity and honesty, the importance of justice, the importance of caring for and about others, and respecting differences These are the things we have to be talking about our home Because the public world isn't always talking in this way.

spk_0:   36:29
So give us an example of how to as as parents how to, uh, how to talk about her, how to instil character in our Children. You just said one which is talking about it. So that's ah which bring it out into the open on dhe. Talk about what are some other ways that we have.

spk_1:   36:48
I want you to understand how much this all ties together. You used a really interesting phrase. You said talk, Orin. Still, So let's do it in still first. Because instill is so much more important than talking right. Telling a kid they oughta have character if you're implying they don't have it is no good. How do you instill it? So let's go back to what we talked about when we talked about love. Seeing a person is they deserve to be seen as they really are. All of their essential goodness. We instill it by noticing it, congratulating it, magnifying it, and we instill it by modeling it. This is one of those cases where words matter less than what you do right when you are a good person. When you care about other people, when you are helping the lady across the street because she just lost her husband or because there's in a terrible snowstorm and you're checking on her, you don't have to say to the child, This is what a woman of good character Because you do it, they notice, and they noticed something else. They noticed that it makes you happy that you're not doing it because there's pity or their shame. They noticed that it makes you happy. That's how you do it. And then you have conversations. But the conversations happen when you notice all that is good and right in the world, and you call out when things are not good. You know, we live in a world where we love gossiping on talking about the people who are messing up. But we forget toe act to notice the accent loving kindness that surround us. Our heroes are people who are, you know, intensely wealthy or beautiful, are great athletes. How about letting our heroes be our teachers? How about letting our heroes see the woman across the street who takes care of her mother with Alzheimer's disease harbor noticing those people who serve and gives. When we do this, we re instill what really good character is

spk_0:   39:00
all right, and then contribution is is it seems like it is so well tied to that. But let's talk about it separately.

spk_1:   39:08
It's totally tied to it, right? It's about wanting to make the world a better place. But let me tell you how it's tight to resilience. You know, the ultimate act of resilience is to turn to another human being and say, Sister, I need a hand. That's the person who survives, right? You don't survive on your own. That's not not talking about the worst God forbid of times, but the worst of times. You don't survive on your own. You survive when you can reach. Then the question becomes, what allows you to reach and what allows you to reach is knowing there's no pity on the other end. This is especially. I hate to be to make any gross statements about gender because they're always wrong. But this is especially true between men, right? Men don't like to reach out to other men because somehow they see it is this display a weakness when in fact it's the greatest display of strength possible. And what is it that's gonna allow me to reach its when I know there's no pity on the other end? What is it that allows me to know? There's pity, No pity on the other end, when I've given when I give and I know how good it feels, then when it's my turn, I can receive. So I see contribution is almost like almost like preparation or an immunization for when life gets hard, you

spk_0:   40:34
know? Yeah, yeah, I I absolutely do know And we model that as well as parents, I would assume

spk_1:   40:43
absolutely. We we might everything there's like there's literally knew nothing you could say to me that I'm not gonna say modeling is best. Let me point out one other thing. You know how we talked about how adolescents are held to low expectations and how so many people think of adolescence. And then they think of the word survival. Let me until you know the reason I want our Children out there contributed, because it's gonna make them be surrounded by gratitude rather than condemnation. It's gonna earn you those eyes. That lady across the street who you shoveled or snow? Just what she's gonna be looking out for your child, she's gonna be She's gonna be baking him cookies So protective.

spk_0:   41:28
Yeah, amen. And I I will say I so agree with I think we as a society have such a negative attitude about adolescence in general. And adolescents are just I think it's just the greatest stage in the world. I really do. There, they're they're so full of wife and and curiosity. It's, ah, I agree with you. Now let's talk. Let's move to the fifth C, which is coping. What do you mean by coping? I mean, is that the bounce back part you're talking about

spk_1:   42:00
it's not coping is not just bouncing back. Hoping is absolutely about preventing risk is well, remember we talked about surviving. You are thriving. Excuse me, driving through good and challenging times. So life is hard on dhe because life is hard. It could make you uncomfortable. The question becomes, What are you gonna do with that discomfort? That's what Kobe it's and there are negative ways of coping. But they work really well taking drugs for example in the moment is a fabulous way of Kobe, but it is so destroyed. It's literally only good in the moment. But it is so destructive in the long term, even because it increases more stress because it destroys your life well. Do is raise kids with a wide repertoire of positive coping strategies so that when life gets tough, they'll know exactly where where to turn to positive, life affirming, community building internally. Strengthening ways of coping. Great news for you is that on parent and teen dot com, we absolutely prepare parents on how to build coping strategies and kids. And we have four teams themselves, an interactive tool that will allow them probably anyone starting in nine or 10. I might do it with your child after nine or 10 but to build there own coping plan so they won't know a wide variety of coping strategies because let me tell you a little secret. Telling kids what not to do around drugs and things like that is not your most effective means of ah, of drug prevention. It's telling kids what to do when life gets hard, and that's where it ties into resilience.

spk_0:   43:46
So This is an interactive tool that they that parents and teens are parents and Children of all ages. Well, you said starting around nine or 10 with a parent?

spk_1:   43:55
Absolutely. So it's on parenting team dot com On the tab under Fourteens, they could build it themselves that learn so much.

spk_0:   44:03
Okay, excellent. And we will link to that in the show notes as well. All right, now let's talk about I think this will be the Final Two C's and that's competence and confidence. No eso

spk_1:   44:16
start with those? Yes. So those air tied together a CZ. Well, she really did a very nice job of grouping, right? So confidence we used to think was about self esteem. And we still just shower kids with praise. You know, your specials. A butterfly, your unique as a snowflake. Look, you're coming down the sliding board. You're so brave, right? Without giving kids on understanding that gravity was helping them, right? It was all about the kids. That wasn't the way to build confidence. Confidence is needed. Self esteem is valuable. Confidence is what allows you to kind of take the chances in life that are gonna make you succeed. But confidence is built through existing skill sets. It's but that's where competence comes in. When I noticed what skills you have, I build upon them. I noticed what skills you don't have. And I helped build them for you or with you, not for you, with you. Then I did it. Then you're gonna like, ERM, confidence. It's not gonna be something I just said to you. It's gonna be you're gonna actually have the confidence because you know what? To d'oh. That's skills in human communication. It's skills in knowing how to navigate pure pressure, it skills and knowing how to study. Right? There's so many different kinds of confidence is that a human being needs toe have that will make them successful and build a real sense of internal confidence.

spk_0:   45:51
And in our job as parents is, if I'm hearing you correctly is to notice the things that our kids are doing well, the things and then they end their competencies and then to give them opportunities to build more.

spk_1:   46:04
That's absolutely correct. But I just want to point out that I also said noticing their deficits and and then filling them in, especially can't people are gonna be uneven, but you build upon everything that is good and right. You celebrate it. But you also notice where they need to learn. And you focus your energies on filling that hole to whatever. It's impossible.

spk_0:   46:27
And that's and so that it's in summary. The three days three. Listen to me. The seven Crucial sees our competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping and control. Um, yeah, and let's talk a little about how trauma impacts those seven seas when the Children come to us and our Children's ability, ability to be resilient.

spk_1:   46:58
Right? So, um, we've actually talked about it a lot, and I'd liketo underscored in this particular context. So I've been working with street and homeless youth for about 35 years. I'm through a covenant house, and so I've worked with some of the most traumatized human beings on Earth. And at its core, if you're gonna look at, um, which of the seas trauma always hurts, trauma hurts human connection because it means that the people were supposed to protect you didn't, And it also affects your sense of control because you weren't able to protect yourself, right? So so that our big challenges the question is, how do you heal? You heal by understanding all that is good and right. You know, when I tell people what I do in terms of working with Covenant House, they, you know, congratulate me for being a good person, and then they walk away because they don't know how to do the second sentence. Right? But what they're missing is that I actually work with the best kids on earth. Can I tell you the science behind it? Actually,

spk_0:   48:05
I'd left him.

spk_1:   48:06
So Yes, these kids are reactive. Yes, that's true. And they act out sometimes. But they're also the most compassionate human beings on earth. Right? If my car broke down, I want my covenant House gets to be out there because they're gonna stop for may. Let me tell you what's actually going on. You could look at this on two levels. You could look at it on a spiritual level that people who have had hard lives often want to prevent other people from having hard lives. But even from a scientific nure oh, anatomical level. In other words, the brain, when you are have been traumatized even in infancy. The part of your brain that is reactive. Um, which is called the amygdala, or the limbic system, is extraordinarily brilliant. You have a brilliant Michaela, and that means that you can see danger before other people do. You're always scanning the environment, expecting things to go badly, right, and you're brilliant in this way. And the danger is that sometimes you'll see danger. That's not really there, right? And you'll go off when you shouldn't. What I teach kids is that they have protectors brains, right? Their brains have learned to protect themselves and others, right, Um, and they're always scanning for danger, and they're also always wanting to protect themselves and others. And if I was on a desert island, I'd want them with me. It's like a superpower. Their challenge in life is to figure out, um, ah went to keep their cape tucked in right because they see dangerous. Other people don't see, including some that aren't there. Well, when we know that and we know that they're reactivity is not about us, they're reactivity, isn't directed, even even if it's directed towards us. It's not about us that allows us to be stable, to be calm, to co regulate with them. Our calmness will teach them that the environment must be safe. Then what happens is they're brilliant image. Ulla stops firing danger signals, but it remains brilliance. What else is theme? A Jawa four is the root of all emotions, including human compassion. And that is why that people who have been through the most when we surround them with messages of safety and security are the most lovely human beings that walked the Earth. And that is why I'm the luckiest guy to work with him.

spk_0:   50:50
What a beautiful way to end this this interview on and such a hopeful way. Because when we talk about Children who have experienced trauma and abuse and neglect every so often, I don't recognize the beauty that is in them and the and the capacity to heal.

spk_1:   51:08
Yeah, Amen.

spk_0:   51:09
Amen. Yeah, let me remind everyone that the views expressed in this show are those of the guests and do not necessarily reflect the position of creating a family. Our partners are underwriters. Also keep in mind that the information given in this interview is general advice. To understand how it applies to your specific situation, you need to work with your adoption or foster care professional. Now I know everyone is going to want to get more information about Dr Ben Ginsberg. He first of all, I I highly recommend his books. He's written quite a few, and you could get more at his website. But more information about the books on the website. But I also want you to go to this website parent and teen dot com lots and lots of really good information there. Ah, and including some that Dr Ginsberg told us about earlier about interactive that you can your teams can do on their own. Arkan work with it through you. So again, that is parent and teen dot com. So, pop over there you can see more of the resources they have, including the books on resilience as well as as teens and living and loving teens and all of that. Thank you so much, Dr Ginsberg. This has been terrific. I I I'm really honored that you are here because I love your work. And I love your philosophy. So thank

spk_1:   52:31
you. It was a privilege talking to you, and I mean that very genuine, like,

spk_0:   52:35
thank you