How to create a successful adoptive parent profile that will appeal to expectant moms making a decision on whether to place their baby for adoption? What to include and what to avoid? What type of pictures to include and how many? What do expectant women or couples want to see? Our guest expert is Madeleine Melcher, an adoptee, an adoptive mom, and the author of How to Create a Successful Adoption Portfolio: Easy Steps to Help You Produce the Best Adoption Profile and Prospective Birthparent Letter. She is the owner of Our Journey to You, a company dedicated to designing adoption portfolios and adoption profiles.
Please leave us a rating or review RateThisPodcast.com/creatingafamily
How to create a successful adoptive parent profile that will appeal to expectant moms making a decision on whether to place their baby for adoption? What to include and what to avoid? What type of pictures to include and how many? What do expectant women or couples want to see? Our guest expert is Madeleine Melcher, an adoptee, an adoptive mom, and the author of How to Create a Successful Adoption Portfolio: Easy Steps to Help You Produce the Best Adoption Profile and Prospective Birthparent Letter. She is the owner of Our Journey to You, a company dedicated to designing adoption portfolios and adoption profiles.
Please leave us a rating or review RateThisPodcast.com/creatingafamily
[inaudible],
Speaker 2:welcome to creating a family talk about adoption and foster care. Before we dive into the show and we're going to in just a sec, do me a favor, tell a friend about this podcast posted in on Facebook or Twitter or Pinterest or wherever you hang out online or you know go the old fashioned way and tell somebody in person. Um, most people hear about podcasts from other people that they know and uh, we would really love for you to tell us
Speaker 3:buddy cause that helps us and it helps them as well. So thank you. Today we're going to be talking about a topic that is relevant to anyone who is considering domestic infant adoption and that is the whole idea of how to create a compelling adoptive parent profile. We'll talk in a minute about what that is about. It is a crucial step for every adoptive parent. Today we're going to be talking with Madeline Melcher. She is an adoptee and adoptive mom and the author of how to create a successful adoption profile, easy steps to help you produce the best adoption profile and prospective birth parent letter. She is the owner of our journey to you, a company dedicated to designing adoption portfolios and adoption profiles. Welcome Madeline to creating a family.
Speaker 4:Oh, thank you don. I'm so happy to join you. You're always such a great resource.
Speaker 3:Oh, thank you. And thank you for doing this interview. Uh, it is a, it's a topic that we get a lot of questions on because people are anxious. They want to put their best foot forward when they're considering a, an adoption profile. Let's start off by saying it's called any number of things. Adoption profile, adoption portfolio. In the old days it was usually referred to as a birth parent or birth mother letter. Uh, it, that's a little less common, although I think it is. Uh, there are some agencies that still use that terminology, but it all means the same thing. And what is that? What is an adoption portfolio profile or whatever and, and, and how is it used
Speaker 4:essentially? And it, it can kind of run the gambit from being, um, four pages long to some agencies and attorneys require a whole, like 20 page hardback book. But it is a snapshot of who you are and the life that you hope to share with the child. And so it is to be a true reflection of you and who you are through photos, through texts, through captions, and you send that out into the world and hope that someone is able to connect with it. That's why it's so important that you really be you and you not try and be every other profile you've seen. As you glance through trying to decide what you need to do is you create yours. It's really important that you be who you are because it's those little things about you that someone will be able to make a connection with. It's not how you look like everyone else through your profile. You, um, may be chosen solely on your profile and that does happen sometimes. And um, but mostly it's to make a connection with someone and hopes that they'd like to hear more or they'd like to meet you in person and see if you're truly the person you were on paper. That's why another reason why it's super important that you be you and also you a are not only answering to yourself and of course you want to be at the call and honest and, and all those things through your profile. Um, you deserve that. The expectant parents deserve that. And one day you'll hopefully, um, be able to answer to a child that you welcomed through adoption and you know for them as well. For all those reasons, it's so important that you, um, really be you. When you put the profile out there, it will behoove you in every way.
Speaker 3:And it's important to note at the beginning that each adoption agency or an adoption attorney has their own unique way that, that they want their profile to look and they will tell you, but you should ask specifically and some won't care at all and some will have very detailed instructions of what they want you to do. And like you said, it varies in length. It varies in the actual format. Some go, some actually have an outline that they want you to follow. Um, and another don't care at all. So you need to ask your adoption professional, uh, what it is that they're wanting. All right, so parents are doing the profile then. How is it used by an agency? What is the, and of course that varies as well. So an agency or an attorney receives the profile from you. And then what?
Speaker 4:Well, generally a, whether it is something that, uh, there have been some agencies of, of families that I've worked with that no longer even want a print version. They just want the pdf of the uh, profile and others want to hard bag books. So again, before you start on anything, um, and I know you're in a super big curry to take, um, whatever moves you can make to make this happen for yourselves. Um, but before you do anything, do talk to your agency because you may be doing it off or not. It may not be what they're looking for from you at all. So, um, generally then agencies, once you, once you're finished, um, with your profile and your homestays completed, they will either send your actual book, um, booklet, uh, your profile off to, um, expectant parents depending on, you know, how big the agency is. They'll have to send them that way or they may send them electronically and they then pore through the expectant parents pour through, um, however many books they've received. I, I always hope they are not sending out more than four at a time because it can be very overwhelming, particularly if they're the longer ones. But, um, again, that's something that, that varies by agency. It may be that they are posted online and they direct them to their website to get a look and, and kind of narrow down, um, some of the options. But generally, uh, for the most part, the agencies and attorneys that I've spoken to or read the parameters of, we'll send to expectant parents who kind of match up with, uh, the things that the hopeful family has filled out in their paperwork regarding things like drug exposure or ethnicity. Uh, you know, there's anyone who's filled out adoption paperwork, knows there's so many things. Um, and so they're kind of looking to make a match and, um, in that respect first and see who's aligns best with that. But sometimes you never know. Um, there are cases where everything doesn't line up. Um, you may already have children in your home and they may have said they don't want anyone who has, um, children that they're already parenting. But if you match up in many other ways, they may be open to, um, to seeing yours. So, uh, it's not always going to be 100% match. I think anybody who's ever been married knows that you can match with someone without, uh, every, every single thing lining up. So, uh, so then that is, um, what they're going to take a look at and then they'll decide from there if they'd like to meet you or again, um, sometimes there are, um, expecting parents who don't want to meet with the hopeful family and they do cho choose directly from the profile. So, you know, we're all human beings and we all have different feelings and different ways we want to handle things. So, um, the exact way, that's why all these adoption stories are so different is because, um, you know, we just don't know how I went to all going to come down. And, um, and so then that, but uh, you know, for the most part I think people then either speak to or, um, meet with, uh, the expectant parents and then move forward from there.
Speaker 3:We have received a question as to, um, she's wondering why do you do, why do we need to do a profile when we already have a home study? Why don't agencies use the home study itself and give that to the, uh, expectant parents?
Speaker 4:I feel like the home study, um, it's almost like if you were going to read someone's medical records, like you can read my medical records and you're going to know, um, you know, the basic parameters of me as a human being, but not me, the person. So the home study I feel like is a check of health of all parts of your life. Like, can you in a healthy way, um, mentally, physically in a way of safety, all those kinds of things. Financially. Thank you. Care for a child and provide, um, a life with this child. And that's very different than saying, what would my child's life look like with you? And I think, uh, when someone opens your profile, they should get a peak at that. What, what does your life look like? Who are you as a person? Are you the organized one? Are you the, uh, the funny one? Will you be the one on down on the floor? We would be the one reading the book and the rocking chair will, you know, will you be the one organizing all the snack bags in the pantry? Like who, who are you? And, um, where will my child be in your life? And so that's a lot different than uh, the look that the, the agency is taking. They're almost like pre certifying you with your home study. And so that's very different than um, the story you're telling to the expectant parents.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I like how you say that, that what you're trying to do really is paint a picture so that the expectant parents can envision what it would be like for their child to be raised by you because they're making the most important decision of a lifetime. And they, they want to be able to think through the type of parent that they want to raise their child and the type of home and, and all the nuanced things that we think about when we think about a child being raised. So I think that's the, that's the goal of, not to put pressure on you, but I think about the pressure there. Exemplify your life in three easy pages, a are five or whatever. I mean that is the pressure of course as well, but we're going to dive into more details to help figure out exactly how to do that.
Speaker 2:Uh, let me pause for a moment and tell you that this show is underwritten by the jockey being family foundation and they want all adoption agencies, our families to tell their adoption agencies about their a backpack program. They jockey being family backpack program. It is a free program to both parents and agencies and it provides a newly adopted children with their own backpacks, personalized with their initials and filled with this adorable little bear and a soft blanket as well as a tote bag with parenting resources for their parents. If you are an agency representative listening to this, then you go to their website, jockey being family.com and click on backpack program and it will provide you all the information. If you were a parent, let your agency know about this. It's free, it's awesome,
Speaker 3:wonderful resource. And it is a keepsake both for you and for your child. So please pop on over there@totalkyoubeingfamily.com and click on the backpack program. All right, so what is the, before we go into the details of, of exactly what is covered, what should be covered, what type of pictures, x, how many et Cetera, what is the experience like? You've talked with a number of expectant moms or dads. What is the experience like for them when they go through the profiles?
Speaker 4:It is interesting that, um, they have many of the same feelings as the hopeful parents. And so this is a place where we can, can really empathize with one another. That while we have, you know, hopes and, and things that may be, um, are in a bit of a limbo that we do share a lot of the same feelings in terms of wondering if we're good enough, if someone's going to like us, if someone's going to match with us. Uh, because a lot of the expectant moms that I had spoken to said, well, I wondered if they would choose me because of x, Y or Z. And I've spoken to some expectant moms that said, I was really afraid to say anything about, you know, fill in the blank in my life because I was afraid then they would not want my baby. And
Speaker 3:both sides, both sides are afraid of being rejected.
Speaker 4:So that is something that you definitely have in common. Uh, and so there is a lot of reticence and they do just as you're wondering if they're going to tell the truth or if they're going to follow through with an adoption plan, a lot of times they're worried about the exact same thing and, uh, if you may change your mind for one reason or another after you've met with them and, and all those kinds of things. So we're kind of going into it, um, much like, uh, I guess the best way I can kind of, uh, explain it is like a first date. Both sides are worried. Both sides are wondering, you know, it was just something that's going to work out. Is it going to turn out like it was in my head. Um, which we all know a lot of things don't turn out as exactly as we imagine them, but, um, they can work out, but everyone is worried about those same things.
Speaker 3:All right, well let's start at the beginning. Um, and that would be the cover. I'm assuming that you're, well, even if you're doing a digital only, um, but I think for, uh, let's assume that in addition to a digital, you're also doing a print. Um, but either way you've got to cover what should be on your cover.
Speaker 4:It really depends. Again, I hate to harp on it, but it is so important. It depends a lot about your, uh, what your agency guidelines are. And some agencies do want you to put a brief one to like maybe short two paragraph letter right there on the front. Um, cover for the most part, the agencies and attorneys that, uh, my families have worked with tend to not require that, but there are some who do. So that is something you do want to check in on before you have your, um, cover just the way you like it. But generally you'll have your, um, first names. You do not include your last name on your cover, just your first names, a really great picture of the two of you. And by great, I mean, you look like yourself, you're smiling. I like see eye contact just as if you're, you know, meeting someone for the first time and a good lighting. We don't want it to be real pixilated and you may put something like hello, we are, whatever your first names are, uh, greetings from Sunny California or, or whatever it is you or you might just have your names. Um, and occasionally if there's something really interesting, I know, uh, particularly if there is a member of the couple that was adopted themselves, you may just put a little, uh, for lack of a better word, like sticker on it, uh, digitally that says, you know, Sarah was adopted or, or something like that. Um, that way right off the bat, that's something that unexpected parent would like to know. That is an automatic connection you would have with that child. And, uh, so that would be something nice to put on there. But generally it's just mostly your names, perhaps a greeting and, uh, that really great photo.
Speaker 3:And if the photo can, if you are able to have a photo that kind of captures the essence of you and your life and if you're partnered you and your, your relationship, that's, that's important as well. I mean not as Zany one but one that Kinda captures something about, about you if possible, if not just a nice smile. Um, and like you say with icon, you know where the eyes are actually looking into the camera.
Speaker 4:Oh, sure. And if it's something that somewhere you feel comfortable with that would make a nice background. I know I had a family where, um, they actually did the pictures for their cover in front of the barn where they were married and so it was just a nice happy place when was kind of bringing their story around, um, in a circle. And um, so they felt happy there and comfortable there. But again, like I don't want to see the picture of you being the bridesmaid and your best friend's wedding, you know, three years ago as your cover picture. That's a mean dressy as doesn't mean your best photo, your best photos, like your most genuine photo if you're most comfortable in jeans and a plaid shirt. Awesome. Where that, um, in your photos, if you are, you know, a person who wears a lot of dresses, that's fine. We're address. Um, but it's mostly about being you because that's that first feeling, that first impression someone's going to get and they may not turn the page further than that depending on how they feel just in that second. And I think we all know that feeling when we first walk up to someone before we've touched their hand yet with the handshake, we have a little bit of a feeling about them. And so we're going for that feeling of who you really are. And so we need to start that from that very first page.
Speaker 3:Are Most, uh, agencies and attorneys still requiring a letter, uh, to the expectant parents, what we used to call a dear birth mother letter now more often called a dear expected parent letter. Um, if that still required.
Speaker 4:It's interesting. I like to see a letter at the beginning just because I feel like you need to say hello, you know, here's who I am and, and introduce yourself before you just kick off and be like, here's my house and cat. Um, but I don't know so much that they look at it the same way I do. Like I want to see it really be something addressed those issues. And I do feel like some agencies and attorneys look at the full book or booklet, however long it ends up being as your letter. Like in it in its entirety, it is the letter and to say a letter like we're not writing a three page letter, um, you know that hopefully. Yeah. So we're, yeah, we, we're not even doing a complete page of text once you've added, you know, some decorative elements and things to the page. So, and we don't want it to feel overwhelming and, and something that would probably fit in here is that you don't want to use a tiny little font to squeeze in everything you wanted to say. That didn't apply on another page. You know, we want to use a good size font on this and so that it doesn't feel overwhelming. You do want to leave some, some white space there so somebody doesn't glance at it and go, well, I'm not going to read. Let me see what pictures they have on the next page. Um, so if you want somebody to read it, don't ever put so much tech that it's going to be too overwhelming to, for verbose. And I find a lot of pee, a lot of people who do have longer texts, about half of it's not really saying anything about them anyway, or it sounds kind of generic, a little cookie cutter, like probably 50 other people I could, um, scroll through on any given profile page right now. So again, we're really going for who you are and, uh, not so much, um, generic information that I could literally look at the next person in line and say, and they feel that way and they feel that way and they feel that way. So add some, some specifics, some uniqueness to it. And that's not a pressure of, you have to be super interesting. Um, to yourself or that you have the most money or go the most places, that just means they want to hear about you and your, you know, pancake breakfasts on Saturday mornings piled high with whipped cream or you know, whatever it is you do, you raise rabbits, you, whatever, whatever your thing is. That's what you need to be telling them about. Um, not the same as everyone else.
Speaker 3:So in your letter, um, are you trying to also say something about, thank you for looking at this profile? Um, some people want to say, I understand what you're going through, but that seems like if you really don't understand what they're going through, uh, and it would be very hard for somebody who is not in the position of choosing a child, a family for their child to place with her for adoption, it would be really hard to know. So in addition, telling about yourself,
Speaker 4:should you say anything about the, uh, expected parents? Um, I think it's nice to say that you are hoping to hear more about what their expectations, hopes, you know, whatever they have for the future are you know, to hear more about them. Honestly you don't know anything about them. I have met with expectant parents who felt really good about their um, making an adoption plan and had plans for themselves afterwards. There's others that it is devastating from the second they have to even consider making an adoption plan. You have no idea why the reader is even considering making an adoption plan. If it's something they're, they're going to follow through with. Um, any of those things when you go into it. So we really don't want to assume anything about that person. If, um, you want to say you appreciate them reading it, that's fine. But I hate to see that, uh, as the first sentence in someone's letter because there's other places you can put that and you may only get four or five lines of someone reading your letter before they put it in one pile or another. Like the country read more. So it's really nice if you can go into it. And you know, these letters have evolved obviously over time from the dear birth mother letter times, um, to where we are now with sometimes full page full books. And then, you know, just the degree that the, the things are done. And I feel like some of my feelings have changed on this as well is that you sometimes can be shown with a lot of other, uh, hopeful parents. And so if you can get that information and at the beginning, because you are saying, hi, here we are and, and here's who we are. If you can see some that in the first sentence rather than, hi, thank you for reading our letter. We appreciate it so much. We understand how you feel and you've spent almost your entire first paragraph with all of these things. And you've literally said nothing that anybody else might also be able to say. Um, you've said exactly what everybody else might be saying. So what you could say instead is introduce yourself, list a few things about yourselves and that sentence. We're a family who were a couple who, you know, x, Y and Z or pancakes, your, you know, horseback riding or whatever it is you do in your we garden, you know, then, and literally in your first sentence they've learned your name and like three or four different things about you. Um, um, they aren't the same things everybody else is going to be saying because there are things that are specific to you. Uh, so that way immediately they have another feeling for you. So they've gone from the sea feeling on your cover photo to in your letter. Now they have the feeling of the pictures you've created with your words. You just gave them three mental pictures of you doing things in their head. Um, and just your first sentence.
Speaker 3:All right, so we've talked about the cover and we've talked about a letter and again, each agency or attorney may have their own things that they're going to specify that they want. But just in general, those are very common things that we have. What are some of the other sections that would be in a profile that most people include?
Speaker 4:Well, if you think about the, the general parts of, of your life and you think about expectant parents and the things that are, you're going to add the specifics to it, but the general things they'd be interested in. Uh, obviously they'll meet you in the cover and then the letter and then you may introduce yourself as a couple and some type of, um, about us page. Um, if you are not a part of a couple and you're a single person who is adopting, you can, this is a spot where you can bring in friends and family to give quotes about you and the kind of person you are and the kind of mom you'll be, those kinds of things. Um, in lieu of that. And uh, then a page just about each of you, if you're in a couple or about you, um, specifically your ideas on parenting is always a great, uh, section to include or why you're adopting. Um, if you have not answered that in your letter, that is a question I've heard quite a bit from uh, expectant parents who went on to be a birth parents and had placed was they had, they came into it with either a specific idea of what kind of couple they wanted to place with and sometimes as specific as why they had chosen, um, to adopt. But also it's important for, for them to know some of them really feel strongly about placing with a family that otherwise could not have children. And so it's better a lot of times in your, um, letter or your profile if you can answer questions like that rather than leaving them lingering that you just go ahead and answer them and you please don't go into every bit in detail about, um, you know, all of the fertility procedures you had been into and two and all those kinds of things. But, and in a more general way, they do want to know and I feel for everyone who's been down that, uh, the road of infertility and that can be a really long road, but this is not the place to go into the great depths of that. But, um, then, uh, additionally after you've gotten out of those kinds of pages about you as a couple of your couple, your yourself as an individual, you'll put something about your home. Um, for sure your, um, community can go on in that home section. And, uh, likewise family, friends and uh, if you would like to include pets. And, uh, I always like to include a closing page cause I feel like you should come full circle you said hello. You also need to, um, say hope, you know, hope to talk to you later and, and thank you. And when somebody has given me my their time, I always say thank you. So that it's your opportunity to, um, to say that they're at rather than filling up your first paragraph of your letter with that. Uh, so, uh, those are kind of the core things I like to see people include. You can also include like hobbies, vacations, but the kinds of things that we would find you doing on any given week are the kinds of things, you know, do you go to summer concerts in the park? Do you spend time with your nieces and nephews? You know, what are the things you do in the evenings? Do you have a special place in the house? Do you cook dinner or do you like to go out and try, you know, different restaurants. Like those are the kinds of daily things we sit at this kitchen table and, um, do math homework, so patiently one day. And uh, you know, like those are the kinds of things that we want to include as we go into it. The things that give people those snapshots of our life and then how to, how you plan on including a child in it. There's been some people that come into it and they have really cool lives and I'm like, holy cow, how are they going to include child into all of these things that they have going on? Um, most of them don't even look like activity, like family activities. So you, you do have to also always make that connection as you are putting your profile together. And I'm not saying those people should have, um, in any way. And obviously we worked it out. Say, you know, things that aren't true about themselves and lean those things out of the profile, those things did go, they're the ones that would apply to how they were going to parent and how they were going to be a family and what they'd actually still do. Obviously before we have kids, we do some different things. Um, then maybe after we welcome children, we might not do the quite those same things and then we're, we might be watching Dora, um,
Speaker 3:what you're basically saying we become boring words in that is true. We do. Thinking for myself, I used to say, you know, I used to be, I used to be really interesting. I'm not sure if I was interesting, but I'd like to pick out, it's more interesting. Um, but yeah,
Speaker 4:hi. You want to be able to bring the things that you're including in your profile back to the family. You hope to be the parents, you know, you plan on being and all those kinds of things and not just look how cool we are. Um, so no matter what you include in your book, those are the, that's kind of that circle you have to come back to is, you know, here's who we are and then how, how would you include a child in that?
Speaker 3:And I've heard agencies say, well, don't include things like, um, if you're a motorcycle enthusiasts, you on a Harley or, or skydiving, but, but in a way, if that's who you are and you enjoy motorcycles, it's not saying that you're going to put an infant on a motorcycle. Um, so I, yeah. What are your thoughts on that as far as whether they be pictures or whether they just be inclusion of activities that are not child centered, but the parent would not be doing them with a child. Right.
Speaker 4:Well that's why if that's truly a part of who you are and you're not something you always plan on doing, the people who are going to read your profile are just as varied as those who put together profiles. And so there's going to be some that are like, awesome, I, I have a tattoo I'd like to, the person that I choose, I might kinda connect with that if I saw somebody who had a tattoo or I, um, I have a motorcycle and then they'd be like, oh, they like motorcycles too. That's something I share with them. And then my child would still, you know, that's like something like me. So I, I don't think that you don't include those. I almost feel like that is, um, being kind of disingenuous to yourself if you are not including things that really are a part of your life that you know, you'll continue because some people may look at it as that's really dangerous. I don't want to take the chance on my child having a parent, you know, in an accident or something. And then others may look at it as, that's awesome. I love that. Um, maybe they'll let you know my child on the back of an airplane for their 18th birthday. Like you just don't know how people are, are going to manage those things cause we are individuals. So no, I wouldn't say that you shouldn't include those things. And, and I've had families who have, have done things like that and um, my own husband spent years jumping out of an airplane, uh, as part of his job and it, it is what it is. Um, you know, he lived to tell the tale so it must be good at jumping at it. How many pictures should you include in your, uh, in your profile? Um, well it's kind of hard to tell you like overall how many pictures to include, cause again it would depend on the, the length that you have. Um, but I would say that most pages, um, to truly get a feel for the picture, I would like to see like three to, at very most seven pictures. But that might be just like with a few smaller pictures in a text block somewhere on the page or something like that. We don't want the pictures to get so tiny that no one is actually feeling what you have in the photo. Otherwise. What was the, even the point of putting it there if it's going to be, you know, an inch and a half tall. Uh, so I hate it when I see them all scrunched up because then you don't feel anything. You can't really look at anybody again. Totally see what's going on. Like you, you're kind of like, you can see that's part of a bike in the picture. But uh, you know, like we want to feel things. We are going to feel where you are. We want to, you know, when you put these pictures in there, you have a limited amount of space. The pictures you choose need to tell a story and they can't tell a story if you can barely tell what the photo is. So, um, enough that you are telling more than a couple of stories. But, uh, not so many that it doesn't do any good. What about the importance of captions for the pictures? I am really thankful for captions because when we don't want to overload a page with text, then we rely a lot on our pictures to tell a story. But rather than including that particular story in the space we have in our regular text, we can have a caption tell the story for us. Uh, and so if you put something on there, like I have had a number of families that enjoy biking or running or things like that and they have great paths or mountains or whatever it is near their home and they, you know, are like, yes, when we're a family we're still gonna do this. So if you have something you're going to do like that. We really enjoy, you know, going to Mt. Blah, blah blah to hike. And I plan on getting a backpack for our child so they can start joining us early. Or I'm gonna push the jogging stroller, whatever it is. Boom. You've told a whole story, something about you, you've drawn a picture about them and they see your great picture there. You make gingerbread houses with your mom every Christmas. Got that awesome picture with you and your mom and you put something about how, you know, two or three generations get together and you are, you know, ready to make that rain, deer, Ham, print apron, you know, for your Kiddo to join you. I'm making gingerbread houses so you can tell a whole lot and really paint a picture with something that is, you know, literally a line, maybe too long. Have we started with the digital? I'm starting to include videos. Are, is that frowned upon? Um, I do see people doing the videos. I never would have. Um, but that's me. I don't know. I just think that's, that feels really overwhelming. I think for some people it really works. I think for other people it's a little more challenging, but I think it depends on how you go about it. If it's like a live video, like it'd be like, Hi Madeline, you know, that kind of stuff. I'd probably get the giggles and I'm not sure I can make it through, you know, those nervous giggles. Um, I, I don't think that type of video would have gone well for me. I have seen people also do the pictures going through with either, um, about ground, um, of someone kinda talking you through the pictures or captions with music behind it. Um, that works for some people. It's also sometimes it's nice to see just maybe some home video type of things kind of laced together. But you a lot, a lot of people need some help, um, doing things like that. Uh, so there are many ways you can do a video. I just, um, B in particular would not have felt, uh, as, as comfortable with that. And I know some, given the way some of my, uh, families have felt about, uh, just their photos. I don't know how they would ever make it through a video.
Speaker 3:A lot more opportunity to screw up. Yeah. And a lot harder to correct. Yeah. Yeah. I can see your point on that.
Speaker 4:I don't like how I look in that picture. It's a, you know, and really when you choose your photos, um, feel good about it. Um, don't put something in there that every time you look at that book you're like, Oh, I don't know why I put that picture in there. That's why no one's going to choose me. You know, I literally, people would say things like that, linkedin loves change that police, let's change that picture. Um, you want to feel good about it because you do have control over so little in this process. Um, once you hand that book over that you really, um, need to feel good about it. When you finish it,
Speaker 3:are there any type of pictures that you would suggest avoiding just in general?
Speaker 4:Um, agencies prefer not to see any pictures of not only you not drinking, but even when wineglasses are on the table. Um, even if they are water glasses and look like wine glasses, I've had agencies, you know, say no, that's no good. So hopefully that's something you could crop out or um, find something else to tell your story. Things like, um, smoking, uh, even people around you smoking in it, photo that is, uh, also frowned upon. Um,
Speaker 3:I would hope however, if you do smoke that you are honest with the expectant parents unless you're planning on quitting.
Speaker 4:Yes, I um, I totally agree with that. But that is, um, not something, a lot of agencies with let you through a, um, check of your profile before you,
Speaker 3:oh, it's important during number that the profile, the, the intent is to get a meeting or a phone call and, and it's during that interaction that you can share more information. Most of the time a decision is not being made exclusively based on the profile alone, but it's the first step for them to narrow down their choices. So it's a, I could see how you might say, don't put that in the profile, but yes, if you smoke and, and you know, you've tried to quit but we're haven't been able to, and then that's something to say during your meeting.
Speaker 4:Yes, I agree with that. And that's the, some of those things also will come out in your, in your home study. And, uh, I know there's a good amount of agencies. My families have worked with that to kind of have a checklist, uh, as a part of some of their paperwork that sometimes they even kind of talk behind the profiles and things that have your ages. There's even a standard page that I've done for several agencies that they want included in the actual pretty profile. Um, so we pretty their xerox up of, um, you know, like, do you smoke? What religion are you, how old are you? Those kinds of things. So, uh, agencies are, we'll also share this information. So you just need to be honest in every, every facet. But again, most agencies are not going to let you print your profile with a picture of the smoking in it anyway.
Speaker 3:So we're all, people are often told to make certain that they include pictures of extended family, grandparents, aunts and uncles and important people who will be a part of the child's life. But what about if you don't have close family either through death or estrangement? Um, how do you, how do you deal with their absence?
Speaker 4:Well, if it kind of depends on the absence. I know, um, my mom died the year before we began that I'm some process and the, she was my person so there wasn't going to be any way. There's going to be a profile without her anyway. So I addressed it with how I would be a better mother because of who she was and the mother she was. And the things I, I took away from that. Um, people can handle it many different ways if that is not your situation, which I do think is, is a good one. In the case of, you know, loss of a, of a parent, um, or someone close to you. And you know, how they enriched your life and, and how that will make you better in specific ways, not just that will make me better. Um, but you can also, if you have an estrangement or something like that, listen, again, these are all human beings. We're, we're dealing with. People have dealt with estrangement laws, friendships, divorces, you know, death, all these kinds of things. And so what they're really looking to see is do you have a circle of people that you have real relationships with that you can sustain a relationship with that love you, that care for you, that would do things for you and will love care for and be a part of the life of the child that you hope to welcome. And so that's really the most important aspect. And you know, these kinds of issues also go to, I know sometimes when I have, uh, same sex couples or things like that, they're also like, well, there's not a, you know, a guy at our home. So I'm kinda concerned, you know, that they're looking for a, um, someone to be the dad. And I said, well, we're not looking so much for a dad, but what positive male role models the are in your life that are really going to be a active, important, loving part of this child's life. So these types of things go much further than just a strange mint or death. But again, the main, the most important thing is they want to know that other people are gonna love this baby except this baby unconditionally without a doubt want to be a part of their life and, and create these memories, whatever they are in your family or your circle of friends or tribe or whatever it is, they want to know that their child is going to receive that. And, and it's nice to be able to show who they're going to receive that from.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I understand that. Yeah, that makes sense. So show who your, um, your chosen family is. If you don't have family by biology or adoption, show you your family is by choice.
Speaker 2:All right. Let me pause for a moment and tell you that this show would not, and could not happen without the generous support of our partners. And these are agencies that believe in our mission of providing unbiased, accurate information to pre and post adoptive and foster families. One such partner is hopscotch adoptions. They are a hae accredited international adoption agency, placing children from our media hook area, Croatia, Georgia, Ghana, Kiana, Morocco, Pakistan, Serbia, Ukraine. And they also do, uh, kinship adoptions from, uh, other international countries as well. Another partner is Vista del Mar. They are a licensed nonprofit adoption agency with over get this 65 years of experience and they offer home study only services as well as full service, infant adoption, international adoption and foster too. Okay. To adopt
Speaker 3:programs you can get more information of FMF their website, Vista del mar.org. So what format should your adoption profile are your portfolio? Be? It, it feels like we're kind of at a time of change because it used to be just sheets of paper and then it became where everybody was going, you know, and having bound books. Um, and now it seems like a lot of people are going digital and yet I can't tell if I'm just old school, but I think if I were going to be making this type of decision, I think I would want to, I don't know why, but it seems more real if I have it in my hand in a book form. Again, this I could just be showing my age and this in this case. So let me ask, so what formats are people using
Speaker 4:really? It runs the gambit. I have only come across to a handful that I've seen not want the printed, which that's great. I like to have something in my hand, but I'm somebody that's would rather have a real book than read off a iPad or something. And I don't know if I'm the best. I'm with you don. I'm not the best judge of that, but I like to be able to touch and feel and you know, look at again later without, you know, going to a bookmark on my laptop. So I do feel like, uh, for the most part it is still the printed profile is there. I do think sometimes they differ if it's in a hurry or far away they will defer to online profiles, um, or emailing PDFs of profiles if need be. But I think it runs anywhere from four pages, which is a little less common for me. I think probably what I do most, um, is like a 12 page booklet or a, um, up to 20 page book. Those are really the two that I do most often. So again, that's why it's so important to talk to your agency before you start on something. If you want to start on something before you get to the point that your agency's going to talk to you about guidelines and things like that, the best thing you can do is take pictures of everything you really do because the things you're taking pictures of now are probably not the picture you will need for your profile. It's those things you, you do every week. Those things, you know like the family movie nights they used to have with my kids with tickets and movie candy that I never had a picture of. Um,
Speaker 3:it's so true. We take pictures. I mean, I, when I, I'm better now, but, uh, in the past you could go through our photo albums online or well, mostly online and you would see pictures of vacations, kids' birthdays, Christmas and Thanksgiving. And that's pretty much it. I was always the parent who would forget to take pictures at the, uh, school recitals and things such as that in the soccer games or you'd take pictures of soccer games and we'd just be a blur of, of moving bodies on the field. So you're right, I would have no good pictures, none whatsoever. Um, that which shall reflect my life.
Speaker 4:Well, and people are taking pictures more than ever before now on their phones, but they're not often the kinds of pictures we need on there. Like, I don't need 10 selfies of you and your best friend that are showing nothing about what you're doing. Like, I need to look, let's see. You, you know, having fun out in the garden or you know, cooking or on that bike rider who's stopping and taking a picture in the middle of their bike ride that would, you know, like tell a story or being like, Hey, could you take my picture while I'm down this path? Um, so those were the
Speaker 3:why did you go wrong with you and take a picture of you riding yes. And that, and normally you don't do that, right?
Speaker 4:Yes. And please, if you're going to, there's nothing wrong with staging photos for those kinds of things. We don't normally have pictures of if you, um, if you need to do that and have someone come out and follow you and stuff. But please pulleys, change outfits between pictures. I A did have one lady that sent me like 30 pictures all in the same outfit doing like getting of different things. So just be sure you change outfits if you're going to do it all on the same day, but we want to see what you, what you really do and show it in a, in a quality way. And so if that's the kind of thing that you need to do to make that happen, that's fine. As long as it's something you really do. Again, we always want to go back to honesty and being ethical and being who you are. You deserve that. Um, so
Speaker 3:and so do they expect it, parents. And the truth is you are more likely to be chosen because you are uniquely you than some type of imagined version of you that you want to present to the world. So, uh, I can remember, uh, seeing a profile of, um, and there were two dads and they always dressed up in matching pajamas for Christmas Day. That was their gift. One of their gifts to each other was matching pajamas, which they gave to each other, I guess on Christmas Eve. Anyway, part of their tradition was always to have a picture of themselves in these silly matching pajamas. And they were silly looking at allowed, you know, and, and, and yeah, I don't know if they slept with them year round or not, but they were definitely, you know, of the season and that was there. Uh, and it really captured something about them, their silliness, their love of tradition. They're, uh, you know, their, their willingness to be made a fool to, to poke fun at themselves and they included that on their cover. Uh, and I thought that was a[inaudible] I just thought it was a great, uh, example of expressing who they were and it did capture who they were in such a wonderful way.
Speaker 4:Yeah. I love that. That's so cute. Oh, I hope that they got some matching jammies for the baby.
Speaker 3:They did, right? Yeah, exactly. And they said in their profile that they wait to have, I don't think they had a matching pair for the picture, but I think they said they couldn't wait and a, and they do it every now and then every year they now have two children and they, their Christmas card is them and they're matching pajamas now when they're kids or teens, I'm thinking that net might not go, but who knows. Their kids are not, teens are right now. They all think it's fun and cute and that's what they do. So
Speaker 4:it's awesome. Yeah. You just, you have to be yourself and not be afraid of like, maybe somebody won't like that. Well then maybe they're not the person for you that you cannot be like everyone else because then if you are, you're lost in a pool of, of people, you know, people come to me and say, I saw this profile online, I want one exactly like this. And you know, they were chosen, well, no, I'm not going to do you one. Exactly like that. Then you have to do your own. We want something that looks like you, something that feels like you, like there's a process to that. And so you can't just go around and pick someone else's cause that worked for them, that worked for them because that's who they are. And so I'm that same reason yours will work for, for you is authenticity makes such a difference.
Speaker 3:How many copies of the uh, portfolio are you hearing agencies want now? Cause it's not cheap. I mean, if you're printing one off, it's not a cheap thing to do. But on the other hand, if they're being mailed, uh, to, uh, to it parents, it's not necessarily coming back.
Speaker 4:Uh, I've seen anywhere from two to 50, which is a lot. Um, but I would say on average between five and eight. Uh, but again, this is something you'll ask from the beginning, um, because if you have the option of, of choosing how you go to print and things like that and it may make a difference and what you choose, um, which way you decide to go in terms of how many copies you have to have printed. So I do always encourage folks when they do their printing to have a couple of extra copies made for themselves. Um, always send the agency a couple more than they asked for because you don't want to not be shown because all of yours were out. Um, but also keep some for yourself and make sure you keep one at a glance. Yes. And when you're, um, when your child is placed with you, it's always a nice, um, it's especially easy when you have something like, uh, uh, Shutterfly book or something like that. But it's always nice to go in and add a page. Like I always tell people, even if you just want to leave a blank page at the end on your copy, um, so you can write the rest of the story. It's always nice to, to add, um, there at the end and um, and share that with your child. So yeah, I again so much goes back to what your agency is asking of you, even in terms of how much you include on each topic. You know, some, if you have 20 pages you have a lot more room to tell about yourself and you know, add pictures and make your pictures bigger and things like that. Then if you have, you know, four to eight, so, uh, a lot of that will will change depending on what the guidelines are.
Speaker 3:Well thank you so much Madeline Melcher for being with us today. Madeline is the author of how to create a successful adoption portfolio, easy steps to help you produce the best adoption profile and perspective birth parent letter. Thank you so much. Madmen. Let me remind everyone that the views expressed in this show are those of the guests and do not necessarily reflect the position of creating a family, our partners, our underwriters, and keep in mind that the information given in this interview is general advice to understand how it applies to your specific situation. You need to work with your adoption professional.
Speaker 2:I also know that people will want to get more information about Madeline and her services. You can do that by going to her website, our journey to you, adoption.com that's all one word as you would imagine. Thank you again. See everybody next week.